06x05 - Father of the Bribe

[bunniefuu]

[bell ringing.]

[students chattering.]

(man) Numbers count! I'm sick of only seeing you in between classes.

I am this close to cracking open a book and taking Honors English.

Let's not waste these two minutes talking about what can never be.

Hey, you two! You know the school policy.

No v*olence, no affection.

[birds chirping.]

Dammit, Dale.

Are you stealing shingles again? No.

I got a pirate-radio set at the swap meet.

So I will bring to this neighborhood a non-stop talk alternative.

A constant barrage of eye-opening conspiracies and ad-libbed innuendi.

Too bad there's only 24 hours in a day or is there? Tune in to 84.

372 to find out! Put that crap on your own roof! Ha! I played you like a set of spoons! I only pretended to put it on your roof so you'd be okay with it being on my roof.

Sucker! [snickering.]

Left-brain workout over.

Begin right-brain workout now! [sighing.]

[violin playing.]

[groans.]

Bobby, you better go.

If my dad catches you here he'll make me play that song he wrote about you.

Fat White Lump's about me? Connie, you need to relax.

I brought my Game Boy.

[groans.]

I have to practice.

There's this new kid from Archer City who's gunning for first chair.

And they say he really knows how to bring it.

(Kahn) I do not hear beautiful music.

You think Yo-Yo Ma's father had to yell at him? [violii playiig.]

[beeps.]

[singing.]

[orchestra playiig.]

[shouts.]

A nefarious government plot to store our nation's silver supply in our mouths.

Children, I implore you.

Rip out your fillings! (Dale) This is 24-hour Gribble Talk serviig the eitire tri-house area, Dale is a terrible radio personality.

Hey, we're listening to him.

He must be doing something right.

[Bobby panting.]

If he ran that fast at baseball tryouts.

Nah, he still can't hit for beans.

Where you hiding Jethro? Under haystack in living room? Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

I wouldn't allow that non-conforming putter on the golf course.

And I certainly won't let you b*at my son with it.

[shouting in Laotian.]

Yeah, yeah.

I know.

I'm a broiled ox penis.

You can't just order her to break up with him, Kahn.

Teenagers very rebellious.

Big reason I started dating you was to rebel against Papa.

I thought the General liked me.

No.

He never think you're good enough.

For my sister maybe, but not me.

We leave Laos to make better life for Connie.

And Bobby Hill ruin everything! I am gonna find a way to pry our truffle out of that pig's snout.

Hey, neighbor.

It's the Bobby-Mobile Express to school.

[mimics train whistle.]

Hop in.

No, thanks.

I'd rather walk.

And I don't much care for walking.

So you can imagine how I feel about you right now.

Bobby, I'm reaching out.

Don't leave me hanging, big guy.

You and I may have many differences.

But we do have one thing in common.

We both want what's best for my little girl.

That's true.

I am glad to see we are on the same page.

So here's $300 to break up with Connie.

Save that money for our wedding.

That's right! Steve Harvey isn't gonna fly himself in from L.

A.

Bobby, deep inside those folds you must know that you and Connie do not belong together.

She is destined for Harvard.

You are destined for something less.

Maybe retail.

I will not end up behind a counter! I will be a prop comic.

Connie will be a concert violinist.

And we will find a way to be on the road together.

That is the future! I suggest you get used to it, Dad! You think about it! $300 buy a lot of fake vomit for comedy act.

I can't believe my dad tried to bribe you.

Someday I'm gonna put him in such a second-tier nursing home.

Hey, lovebirds.

No PDAs! This is t*rture! We can't hold hands in school.

We can't hold hands at home.

If we don't hold hands soon, I'm gonna lose it! [crying.]

Mom! Dad! Bobby broke up with me! Wow! You have taught me the meaning of total surprise.

He said he liked me, but he wasn't ""in like"" with me.

[sobbing.]

I don't know about this.

It's one thing to bribe a judge.

But-- Don't you go soft on me! Better she cry now for 10 minutes, than spend 45 years crying that Bobby Hill still not get promotion at dirt factory.

[whistling.]

[both gasp.]

-Sorry, sir.

-Not at all.

(Connie) Bobby! He bought it, Connie! We're free! g*n it! [Bobby grunting.]

Finally we can be alone.

Connie, will you hold my hand? I'd love to.

[yawns.]

If your dad knew he paid us $300 to hold hands and look at ourselves in a mirror, he'd go crazy! Good.

He doesn't care about me at all.

All he cares about are my stupid grades.

Let's see how my dad likes it when I'm too sad because you dumped me to pass my bio midterm.

You're gonna fail a test on purpose? You have never been more beautiful to me than you are right now.

After 60 hours on the air, folks, I have to apologize.

That last caller was not the real Spiro Agnew.

Although he did make some cogent points.

It's live talk radio, people, Workiig without a iet here, Okay, our iext caller from iearby McMayierbury,,, oh, it must be a wiidy day,,, is, aid this is quite ai hoior,,, former Soviet Premier Leoiid Brezhiev, C, C-plus, two B-minuses.

[sighs.]

You really did it this time, Son.

You set realistic goals and you reached them.

Way to go! (Peggy) With grades like that you could become governor and then president someday.

[Kahn screaming.]

An F? A-minus is unacceptable in this house.

Even regular A, we're not so crazy about.

What's going on? I'm so upset.

I can't concentrate.

The frog I had to dissect was looking at me just like Bobby used to.

[grunts.]

But don't worry.

Pretty soon I'll be getting much better grades.

They're taking me out of Honors Bio and putting me in life-skills class.

[screaming.]

There it is again.

Now, the proper way to clean your ears is to gently swab around the rim.

Puncture the eardrum and you'll hear a pop, followed by a lifetime of silence.

-ls this it? -(Peterson) Now, people.

Is he gonna say anything about the anatomical structure of the ear? No.

Just the cleaning.

This is actually a review from yesterday.

Got that? Cotton swabs.

Passing notes, Connie? ""I'm so bored I could k*ll myself?"" [gasps.]

Oh, my God! I ain't seen you folks since Connie won the science fair.

Yeah.

Well, things have gone downhill since then.

We think she's suicidal.

No! I caught her passing this note to Bobby.

I gotta make sure your kids aren't planning some kind of I jump, you jump, Dungeons and Dragons crap.

This isn't a su1c1de note.

Connie's just bored.

I hope this is just a harmless note.

It's possible that Connie, for some reason, just wasn't interested in my ear-hygiene lecture.

But isn't it more likely that she is a deeply troubled little girl and this is her cry for help? Connie don't need help.

She perfect.

That's why we love her.

Perfect, huh? I notice Connie's grades have been slipping.

That's often a warning sign.

Kahn, you know what this is about.

[speaking Laotian.]

[speaking Laotian.]

Bobby.

[speaking Laotian.]

Bobby.

[both speaking Laotian.]

Okay, okay! It's because Bobby dumped Connie! What? They broke up? Did you know about this? Hank, I am not on trial here.

Kahn and Minh are, and possibly Bobby and Connie, but not me.

-Can I have some water? -It's all my fault! I never think he good enough for my girl! Now I realize Bobby Hill only thing keeping her alive.

Of all the kids you march in here, Peterson, you finally got one right.

We're gonna have to give back that $300.

We've only got $280 left.

Where are we gonna get $20? (Hank) Well, thank you, Carl.

Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, no.

All your mother and I ever want for you is to be happy.

That's why we push you so hard.

And now you're not happy being away from Bobby Hill.

So we push you right back together with him.

Oh, yeah! If I'm back together with Bobby I won't want to k*ll myself.

Perfect! Tonight, I take everyone out to fancy ltalian dinner at That's Amore.

I always have very strong feelings about Hill family.

Now those feelings are of love.

(Dale) All right, let's see,,, I told you about the sperm-couit-loweriig soft driiks, Told you about SuperCuts catalogiig DNA, I'm ruiiiig dry here, Wait! Is there aiy coicrete evideice that Hawaii actually exists,,,, No, I already covered that, Does aiyoie remember The Drifters? [Uider The Boardwalk by The Drifters playing on radio.]

All these years, Bobby wasn't good enough for Connie.

Now suddenly Kahn's kissing our asses like the paperboy at Christmas time.

I am not even sure Bobby should take her back.

As a person who has worked with children for many years I can tell you this: the suicidal ones are trouble.

Connie's not suicidal, she was just upset.

It's not like when we were kids, Peggy.

Teenagers in love today can get very emotional.

Which novelty tie goes better with this suit? Piano or fish? -Piano.

-Piano.

[piano playing.]

[glass clinking.]

They call this place That's Amore! Ah, Amore! Love.

So perfect.

It is in the air tonight.

Now let us drink to this young couple while they kiss and make up.

I don't know if all parents are biased when they watch their kids kiss other kids.

But Bobby really is the better kisser.

Hey, it's Reuiitedby Peaches and Herb.

Come on, you two.

Get out on dance floor.

Hand on shoulders.

Stare in eyes.

All that jazz.

It's so creepy the way they keep staring at us.

On the plus side, now that he thinks you want to k*ll yourself he hasn't tried to k*ll me.

[groaning.]

I must say Bobby is very light on his feet for a boy of his shape.

Like a young Jackie Gleason.

What Bobby doing tomorrow at 6:00? I schedule Connie for a Bobby-block every night this week.

Let's see.

Yeah.

Tomorrow at 6:00 it is.

Monday was the roller rink.

Tonight we see Bathtub ofBlood Two,,, starring Julia Roberts' brother.

(Dale) Dateliie Arlei, What hot youig couple, her hot pareits,,, aid his pareits were seei caioodliig over ioodles at Chow Maii? That's M-A-l-N, 6325 North Maii Street, (Kahn) Hey, Hank.

How about you and I mosey over to refreshment stand for long time? Leave the lovebirds all alone.

Kissy-kissy.

[laughing.]

I thought they'd never leave.

[mai chatteriig.]

What are you doing? First time all week we've been alone and you're doing homework? I'm not gonna get into Harvard watching slasher films.

You always hated when your dad made you study.

And now you're doing it behind his back? Bobby, I don't overachieve because my dad makes me.

I do it because.

Well, there are some very complicated psychological reasons that I don't quite understand, because you keep talking! Is it me? Or is it getting a little nerdy in here? (Kahn) Thanks for paying for Milk Duds.

Well, just getting you back for the steak and lobster.

Hey, try putting some of those Duds in your popcorn.

It's wild.

Can't you stop talking about school? I wish Joseph was here.

Now there's a guy who enjoys watching a good stabbing.

Well, I wish my violin was here.

At least I'd have something to carry on an intelligent conversation with.

I wish it was here, so I could throw it out the window! I'd like to see you try.

It would be Bobby Hill's last movement! [scoffs.]

You don't even get it.

It's a music joke! ""Movement?"" My mind went right to poop.

[groans.]

It's always poop with you! Why aren't windows all fogged up? My God! What happened to the Mrs.

I.

P.

Daley I checked into the Jolly Roger with? She doesn't want to have to pick a medical school based on what clown college you get into! [Kahn exclaims.]

Do something! You're k*lling her! (Dale) Cock-a-doodle-doo! It's the moriiig zoo! Morning, baby! You look sad.

You must be upset about fight with Bobby.

But that okay.

I schedule hot-air balloon ride for two of you.

I'm not sure I want to do anything with Bobby.

What? No, no, no, no! Come on! We go deep-fry some peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

The fun we'll have.

Yeah, Kahn.

You go fry your bananas.

Knock yourself out.

He can fry a banana sandwich pretty quick.

So, spill it! Mom, I was never suicidal.

And Bobby and I never broke up.

We were only pretending so we could spend more time together.

You lied to us? Yeah.

But now that we've spent all this time together I don't know if he's right for me.

Oh.

You know, honey, back in Laos, I was dating Phoukong Vivarad.

He the vice president of acquisitions for lngersoll-Rand.

Such a comer.

The General love him like a son.

Then I met your dad.

(Coiiie) At the Natioial Scieice Museum, (Miih) Oh, that's just a story we tell, Truth is, we meet at the discotheque, [music playing.]

He pull up oi cherry moped weariig tight, shiiy shirt,,, aid a pompadour,,,, Daddy was a bad boy? Boy, how the Geieral hate him, Push Phoukoig oi me like you wouldi 't believe, (Miih) But I had to choose for myself, The corporate boy or the bad boy, [motorcycle revving.]

Okay.

You picked Dad because Grandpa hated him.

So I should stay with Bobby? No.

I picked your Dad because even though we very different I knew he was right for me.

I can't tell you if Bobby right for you or not.

Your Dad can't tell you either.

Only you can decide.

(Dale) Well, folks, earlier I made some commeits that were deemed iiseisitive,,, by oie ofmy key spoisors,,, Dale's Dead Bug, who pulled all his ads, Coward, Aid I cai 't drum up aiy iew sales siice I'm stuck behiid this,,, microphone 24 hours a day.

So I have been forced to sell the station to Mexican interests.

[speaking Spanish.]

Octavio.

[speaking Spanish.]

[music playiig.]

[switch clicks.]

You look like you're thinking, Son.

There something you want to talk to your mother about? Dad, I'm thinking of calling it quits with Connie.

Again? Bobby, ladies don't like mind games and drama they like predictability.

I don't want to hurt her.

But I've never broken up with anyone before.

How do I do it? Well, I've only been with your Mom, and we never broke up.

But I have fired people at Strickland Propane.

You got to be honest.

Tell them how they didn't meet your expectations and promise them a good recommendation.

Hey, Connie.

You up for a game? Sure.

I'll be Lu Manchu.

You be Daisy Wah.

(Bobby) You're terrible at this.

I know.

I hate video games.

I know.

Connie, I didn't just call you over here because check-out's at 1 1 :00.

Well, you've been a valuable part of the organization for two years now.

But.

Are you f*ring me? [mumbling.]

I think we should break up.

What? But I came here to break up with you.

You're just saying that.

No.

I mean it.

I composed a break-up letter and everything.

""Bobby, there are some fundamental differences that suggest.

"" My God! You are such a nerd! I know! And all you care about is having fun.

I know! And you don't! I know! I guess it's gonna be kind of weird not being boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.

Maybe a little.

But it's not like we hate each other.

No, no.

We're still friends, right? Right.

Friends.

And still neighbors.

Sure.

Unless you're moving.

I'm not going anywhere.

Neither am l.

We've still got 20 minutes left on the room.

Maybe we could hold hands one last time? (Kahi) Fat white lump!