07x12 - The Wrestler

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Straight A's, Daddy-o.

Nope.

I don't see any athletics on here.

Yeah, I'm not much of a sports guy.

I'm more of a good-grades guy.

That's who I am.

Hey! Son, good grades won't get you anywhere in life.

You only get places through athletic accomplishments.

Well, what about Bill Gates? Before he blew out his ACL and had to do computers, Bill Gates rushed for over 300 yards a game.

Uh, I don't think that's right, Dad.

And I don't know the recipe for apple pie, but that didn't stop me from making one.

Now, while that cools, come on, I want to show you something.

The Stan Smith Wrestling Museum.

Dedicated to the high school wrestling career of Stan Smith.

Um, I've lived in this house my whole life.

How long's this been here? Construction of the museum began in 1998.

I should know because, like Ross on Friends, I'm a docent.

But unlike Ross, I don't look like a Monchichi.

I take the tour every day.

Except for Sundays, when the tour is free and the place gets a little ethnic.

Steve, I was once a loser just like you.

Hurtful.

Then, in my junior year, I took up wrestling.

It changed my life.

I went from zero to hero to De Niro.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?" Uh And the ultimate testament to my greatness is the state record I still hold.

And no one's even come close to b*ating it.

Yep, that record there is the mark I've made on this Earth.

And when I'm gone, it will remain.

Without it, I am nothing.

I certainly wouldn't have a great piece of ass like this.

You know who else really appreciates my rump? Charlotte.

The point is, if you want to get anywhere in life, you have to join the wrestling team.

Gee, Dad, that sounds great.

Oh, no.

The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore.

Ah, squigglebottom.

What? I am outraged! Well, take your outrage elsewhere.

I have another group coming through.

We'll exit through the gift shop.

Make sure to check out our Stan Smith pan flute rain forest music.

Each song sounds the same, yet somehow manages to be worse than the last.

As many of you know, the wrestling program has been defunct for several years.

Ever since the former coach was caught teaching a style of wrestling that would perhaps be more at home in a prison between a prisoner and a weaker, prettier prisoner.

But now an annoying I mean involved parent wants to bring the program back.

I give you the most decorated wrestler in Pearl Bailey history, Stan Smith.

Thank you.

Anyone interested in joining the wrestling team, please raise your hand.

What if I said you get to do stuff like this? Aah! My back! How about that? Congratulations, Steve.

You and your friends made the cut.

So I give you your Pearl Bailey varsity high school wrestling team.

Um, just going back a sec.

Are you saying Coach Keegan, who is now the baseball coach, (bleep) his wrestlers? That was a long time ago.

All right, gladiators.

This is what we've practiced so hard for.

Our first meet.

We're going to k*ll them! Schmuely, remember what I taught you? Yes, Coach.

Good.

Now, get in there and destroy this guy.

Oh, my God! It's not going well for Snot.

Oh, my God! But don't worry, son.

You're a Smith.

You'll be fine.

He's lying! You won't be fine! Call my aunt! That tickles.

Tickles.

Tickling.

Ticklish.

Timber! Nice, Barry.

All right, Barry! I'm having trouble changing into my street clothes.

All right, Steve, the biggest myth in wrestling is that you need strong arms.

Like kangaroos and rapists, all your power comes from your legs.

I might have said frogs, but yeah.

That's why I'm going to have you run the Chimdale Stairs, the longest staircase in North America.

I was a child when I fell.

With stronger legs from the stairs, you can't lose.

Not to mention I dropped you into a lower weight class.

I am not showing improvement.

Uh-oh.

Who wants him to die? Your boy's doing great, Stan.

He hasn't won a single match all season.

No, I'm talking about Badass Barry the Butterball Bear.

Named him myself.

Took me 19 days.

He's undefeated.

Only three wins away from b*ating your record.

What?! Make that two wins away.

My God, I've been so focused on Steve, I I didn't even realize.

You know, maybe maybe Barry should sit out a match, get some rest.

No, no, no, no, no.

I got money on that belly.

I got a bookie who'll take action on anything.

Oh, my God! I just got my first period.

Ha! Earl, you owe me 25 bucks.

How'd you know? Always bet on red.

Anyway, the boy wrestles.

I-I I really don't think I said the boy wrestles! I spent a lot of time Photoshopping Reagan into that picture.

And for what? For nothing.

Stan, you're making too much of this.

Do you think Corey Haim cares that Corey Feldman went on to great success? No, Corey Haim's doing great.

But it's the foundation of who I am.

Without that record, I I'll have nothing.

Charlotte! Shut up, Charlotte! What am I going to do about Barry b*ating my record? There's only one thing you can do: sabotage.

You gotta take Barry out.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Were you videotaping that? 'Cause I'm sort of planning a crime against a child here.

I can't do that.

I'm his coach.

No, but I can.

You you'd do it for me? I'd do it for me.

I'm a docent, Stan.

If he breaks your record, I'm out of a job.

And I will not go back to Relax the Back.

I repeat, I won't go back to Relax the Ba as long as Douglas works there, and we both know Douglas is going to work there for the rest of his life.

All right, Roger.

Let's do it.

Roger should have been back by now.

How long does it take to maim a kid? Mission accomplished.

I did him Tonya Harding style.

With a and a and a Somebody b*at up Snot! Uh, aren't you Snot? I'm Barry.

Stan, I might have got the wrong one.

Why? Why? Why ask why? Try Bud Dry.

That's an old reference.

Not as old as the Nancy Kerrigan thing you're doing.

Hey, watch it with that thing.

You're the one who put me in this chair.

I crippled your legs, not your manners.

Where's my lucky butterball? He's up next.

I don't know.

He should be here.

Gee, I hope he makes it on time.

Dad, I got a good feeling about this one.

Aah! He's so nimble! That was my longest match ever.

Did you see how I eluded his hand-feet? Can I pick out one toy at Toys "R" Us? Well? This time, I got him.

Trust me.

Hey, ref, I don't know where my guy is.

I guess he'll have to forfeit.

Fire! Fire! Stop! Drop! Roll! Damn it! Now he's one win away from breaking my record.

Sorry, Stan.

I locked him in the freezer.

I don't know how the kid set himself on fire.

Small bills are in the safe.

The rest is in my butt.

I'm not here to rob you.

I'm here to sh**t a kid in a tree house.

You know what kid I wanted to k*ll? The youngest daughter in Mrs.

Doubtfire.

Hated her face.

By the time I could get a good sh*t at her, she had grown up and turned into nothing.

Barry's only one win away.

I will not lose my record! Well, k*lling him should do it.

I can't get a clean sh*t.

That damn oak tree is in the way.

On it! I never knew you had such powerful legs.

Really? Really? You didn't know I had powerful legs? You never stared at my legs before? Okay.

Okay, I'll just play along.

This is great! I can teach you how to wrestle.

You can pose as a student at a rival high school, defeat Barry and save my record.

So let me understand this wrestling thing.

The goal is to lie on top of another man, against his will, for three seconds, in a bathing suit.

Is this a high school sport or my trip to Cancun? I'm sor no, I'm-I'm in.

Next match.

Barry Robinson and Dimitri Krotchlikmioff.

Dimitri Krotchlikmioff.

New exchange student from Russia.

One, two Use your legs! I can't! I have really weak legs.

No, you don't, you have the opposite.

I know, today's opposite day.

No, it's not! That means it is.

I'm not playing! That means you are.

Roger, just win before the ref stops politely waiting for our conversation to end and gets to three.

Fine.

One, two, three! Winner! Yes! Yeah! I win! I win! Uh, Coach Smith, that's the guy from the other team.

Shut up, corned beef! I can feel your pulse in my thigh.

Uh-uh, Francine.

Allow me to take my dishes to near the sink for you.

Well, okay, mister.

You've been a pleasure since Barry lost his match.

Oh, are my muscles sore.

Tired muscles? What, you been working out? No, I've been wrestling.

Already won 15 matches in a row.

I'm going after the state record.

You're still wrestling? Why the hell would you do that?! Excellent question.

Here's my answer.

I don't want to work as a docent my whole life, unless I'm a docent in a museum dedicated to me.

Roger! I'm gonna b*at your record, Stan, and there's nothing you can do about it.

to go down in the egg toss.

Boy's got shaky hands.

His parents just got divorced because his mom banged some black dude named this big mamma-jamma right here! That Russian kid from Lanceton is gonna b*at my record.

I have to stop him.

You have to let me back into high school so I can wrestle against Krotchlikmioff and keep my record! I'll do it on one condition.

You buy some candy bars from me so that I stay off dr*gs and don't join gangs.

All right! I'm gonna keep my record! I can walk again! I can walk! You know, we always carry it this way and bad things happen.

Why don't we carry it this way? That's so smart.

I think we're going to get a promotion.

My legs! It's a fit! Stan, what are you doing here? You don't need to come to class.

Just show up for the wrestling match.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sure.

Hi.

Remember me? I just rented this half an hour ago, but it turns out I don't need it.

Yeah, sorry, you drove it off the lot.

B-But I don't need it.

Sorry, dude.

Still got to charge you for the day.

Just forget it.

Hi.

I just rented this, but it keeps pulling to the right.

I already told him no, Gary! What are you doing?! Erasing every trace of you.

By tomorrow night, when I pin you to the mat, all this will be mine.

My Russian drifted into a little Dracula at the end there.

I got to work on that.

Stan, come to dinner.

You don't want to be in the museum after hours.

That's when everything comes to life.

Francine, there's no way I'm giving this place to Roger.

Okay, closing time.

Everyone out.

Well, Dad, you got a gym full of fans waiting.

Get in there and b*at the alien that lives in our attic that's dressed like a Russian high school wrestler.

Listen to that.

These are some soundproof doors.

Stan, what's that thing they say when a play runs for a really long time? They say the play has Sizzle? No, okay, okay.

You know how when you're drinking a glass of wine and some of it sticks to the glass? They say the wine has Stickiness? - No! - Sizzle? Legs! I wanted you to say "legs.

" Uh, you have to pin him on his back.

Boo.

One, two One, two I want that record! It belongs to me! One, two It's been ten days.

You gotta give up eventually.

Never! Don't you have a job to go to? Smith, read this intel and give me a report by the end of the day.

On it, chief.

Hooper, I owe you a new headboard! I broke yours last night while I was banging your wife! You got me, Stan! Brought you two boys some soup.

What's going on at home? Not much.

Hayley is being a complete pain in the ass, as usual.

How's Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys been? You've been TiVo-ing it, right? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

You bitch, now I'm gonna be behind.

I'm doing this for you and this is the thanks I get? Roger.

What do you mean you're doing this for her? Francine, what does he mean he's doing this for you? Nothing! He means nothing! Oh, for crying out loud.

She put me up to this 'cause she wants you to lose your record.

What? I'm sorry, Stan.

I'm just so tired of that freakin' record.

What? But you always enjotouring my museum.

No, I pretend to enjoy it.

Stan, you got that stupid record over 20 years ago, and I've heard about it every day since.

But it's who I am.

No! It's who you were.

And if you keep living in the past, you can't fully live in the present.

Oh, my God.

You're so right.

I've been fixating on the One, two, three! Yes! The record is all mine! I'm gonna go tell Hayley what you said about her.

Let's go home, honey.

I'll catch up with you.

I need a moment.

"Longest Man-on-Man High School Sports Embrace.

" Well, look at that.

I feel sorry for the poor bastard whose record I b*at.

It was mine.

But don't feel bad.

Records were made to be broken.

Easy, easy.

Stay in the lines.

Ah, Suzie, you (bleep) piece of (bleep)! I don't think this is the right school for Suzie.

Easy, easy.

Stay in the lines.

Ah, Suzie, you (bleep) piece of (bleep)! I don't think this is the right school for Suzie.