02x06 - The Substitute/Gretchen and the Secret of Yo

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Oof!

Ah!

[fizzing]

[burp]

And so, it turns out
that there is no homeopathic alternative

to bunion surgery.

My doctor assures me
it's a simple operation,

but will require me to stay off my foot
for a few days.

Uh, Miss Grotke,
should we be taking notes?

No, no, Gretchen.
I'm simply telling you all this

to explain that I'll be absent
from school next week.

-You mean...
-That's right, T.J.,

I've arranged for a substitute.

[indistinct chatter]

B-i-n-g-o!

[Vince] A substitute?

Oh, man, this is some kind of wonderful.

I'm almost looking forward to Monday.

I don't get it,
what's so great about a sub?

Sheesh, Gus!
What hole-in-the-ground school

did you transfer from?

Yeah, Gus, everybody knows

there are three things
every kid waits for all year.

Snow days, fire drills,
and substitute teachers.

It's like a little slice
of summer vacation

in the middle of the year.

I'm gonna get her
with the old chalk-and-eraser routine.

-That kills.
-I'm going to tell her

Miss Grotke lets us eat in class.

I'm going to reread w*r and Peace.
Only this time I won't have to rush.

Me? I'm gonna dust off
my old peashooter.

Whoever this substitute is,
the woman is spitball bait.

[laughing]

[yelling]

And remember our plans,
if the sub calls on you, use a fake name.

I'm going with "Hugh Belcher."

Excellent plan. She may even think
she came in the wrong room.

I'm calling a 10:00 a.m. book drop.

Good idea. And when I give this signal,

everyone get up
and move one seat to the right.

What have you got planned, Gus?

Me? Well, uh, I made a paper wad.

You're a madman, Griswald.

Good morning, pupils.

I'm here to introduce
your substitute teacher.

Bring her on, baby.

Our guest teacher comes to us

following successful stints
in Southeast Asia,

the former Yugoslavia,
and The Bronx, New York.

Please welcome your substitute
for the entire week...

This is gonna be sweet.

Mr. E.

[ominous music playing]

Hey, that's no girl.

They call me Mr. E.,
and I'm here to instruct.

Mr. E.? That's not a name,
that's a letter.

What's the rest of your tag, subbie?

[Mr. E.] That information
comes at a terrible price.

Are you willing to pay it?

Well, everything seems to be in order.

Have a great week, kids.

[laughs]

OK, one thing we're gonna do this week
is work on your vocabulary.

Today's word is "respect."

R-E-S-P-E--

This better be your homework.

[children gasp]

Whoa. Zero fear.

Your teacher left a detailed lesson plan,

but I'm gonna do things
a little differently.

[bell rings]

[Mr. E.] I don't recall excusing anyone.

Uh, Mr. E., it's recess.

-Your point?
-Well, it's time for us to take a break,

you know? Stretch your legs,
get a little exercise.

Get a little exercise, huh?

[everyone] 12...

-13...
-[groaning]

Oh, I shouldn't have had
that ninth flapjack.

This can't be good for my sinuses.

I haven't had this much physical activity
since...

ever.

[Mr. E.] OK, now let's have
some drop-and-rolls.

[children groan]

Oh, man, this whomps.

The one time of the day
that's supposed to be ours,

and he's got us acting like marines.

Hey, cool in, guys, maybe this is good,
I mean, face it,

if you were in better shape,

I wouldn't have to carry you all
at kickball.

Now, this young man has some stamina.

Watch and learn. He's got what it takes.

Let's show them some jumping Jacks, son.

Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!

[groaning]

Now, the rest of you, jump those Jacks.

You'll be proud to know
you're doing the same exercises

the Army Rangers do.

Great, and I thought we were preparing
for fifth grade, not w*r.

That's clever, kid, but not too smart.

Sorry, teach. The jumping Jacks
must have rattled my brain.

[children giggle]

Looks like you have quite a following.

Got a name, joker boy?

T.J. Detweiler.

Well, I got my eye on you Detweiler,
you got "trouble" written on you

like a vacancy sign on the nowhere motel.

If I were you, I'd watch my step.

-[chalk squeaking]
-[Mr. E.] Independent study.

It means you working by yourself
on a project you care about,

a project that stirs your soul.

I don't care what you choose
for your project.

I just want it done well.

On Friday, you'll make
a formal presentation

to me and your peers.

That gives you four days
to get the job done.

Until then, I'll be available
to help anyone with a question.

Does anyone have a question?

Yes?

May we begin now?

You'd better.

Oh, boy! A chance to pursue my muse.

[beeping]

I don't get you, Detweiler,

independent study is fun,
it's a chance to grow.

Why don't you get on the bus, boy?

Maybe I don't trust the driver.

Well, you better find some faith, boy,

because the clock is ticking,
and Friday's Judgment Day.

I heard he tore down the Berlin Wall
brick by brick.

I heard they tossed him
from the secret service

for using a steely gaze on the president.

Well, I heard
he made a kid repeat fifth grade

just for stammering during a book report.

[all] Oh!

Oh, you guys impress too easy.

The guy is just a sub, like any other,

I mean, what happened to "sub week"?

The old chalk-and-eraser routine,
fake names, the book drop?

You're going to let that get ruined
by some guy without a first name?

What's so great about him?

Look!

Where are you hiding
your lunch money, geek?

That's it, buster! I've told you
a dozen and a half times

to leave that kid alone.
Now, put him down before I--

-Huh?
-Stand down.

-But... But--
-I'll handle this.

If there's anything in this world I hate,
it's a bully.

Now, I'm asking you nice.

Return my pupil to his full
and upright position.

You need to change, boy.

And there's only one way
you're going to learn how.

What are you gonna do to me, mister?

It's what you are gonna do.
You're gonna write me an essay

all about how it's wrong
to lean on people,

unless it's in the direct
geopolitical interests

of the United States of America.

And you're going to write it
in the dirt with your finger

starting now.

Well, Clyde, what are you waiting for?

Son, you can't be a victim all your life.

You gotta learn to take a stand.

Now, if you're willing to put in some time
after school,

I can show you two simple moves

that'll disable any bully,
any time, any place.

I'm there.

Ah!

Problem, kid?

It's my poem.
I just can't seem to make it work.

Let me give it a once-over.

Hmm. Yeah. Nice imagery.

I like your pace, kid,
but the rhyme scheme

in the bottom half of the poem
doesn't match the top.

Hey, you're right.

Also, I like your use of creeping moss
to represent the passage of time,

but lose that "moon in June" garbage
in the second stanza.

-You're better than that.
-Really? You think?

Oh, yeah. You got some chops, kid.

Wow! Did you hear that, Teej? I got chops!

I've been telling you that for years.

Mr. E. fixed my poem.

Inside that stone façade
is a soul of a dreamer.

You mean dreamy.
He's, like, a total trendsetter.

A fashion icon.

A style visionary

for the new millennium and beyond.

[together] Scandalous!

Mr. E. seems to have affected everyone
in school.

Yeah, just like that flu bug last year.

What's with you, man?

-Nothing.
-Teej, you gotta start working

-on a project.
-Yeah, Mr. E.'s gonna cream you

if you don't have something ready
on Friday.

I might add, the probability
of you concluding fourth grade

without a completed project is low,
and very low, indeed.

Leave me alone, will you?

I don't need anyone telling me what to do.

Not you guys, and not some suit
with a letter for a name.

-But, Teej--
-Hey, I know what I'm doing.

So these pieces, I call them pugilists,

represent a marriage
of two of my greatest passions,

fighting and metalcraft.

Thanks for the opportunity, teach.

"Thus, dear buttercup, be thou free

to mend thy faithful symmetry."

[cheering]

Thank you, Third Street!

On the front of these trading cards
I put a picture of one of my friends.

On the back I put all kickball stats
plus an interesting fact

you might not know about the player.

Take T.J., for example.

Did everyone know that T.J. Detweiler

Is actually a really great guy?

Really, really great?

Hiya!

[cheering]

When I realized the key
was alternating magnetic fields,

well, the rest was easy.

I was able to invent this. It's a machine
that produces more energy

than it takes in and has the potential
to revolutionize the world as we know it.

[door opening]

Hey, what's going on?

Mr. E., I hope the fact
that the government

has quashed my research
won't hurt my final grade.

It happens, Grundler. Count on an A.

Well, that's everybody.

Everybody who participated, that is.

You've all done very good work.

I'm satisfied.

[all] Oh, yeah...

As for you, Detweiler,
I hope you find your seat comfortable.

You'll be using it for years to come.

-I don't think so.
-Oh, yeah?

Yeah, 'cause I have a project, too.

Then stand and deliver.

All this week, Mr. E. here
has been bossing us around,

taking away our recess,

forcing us to do independent study.

And I guess he won all of you guys over,
but there's something

I wanna remind you about,
and her name is Miss Grotke.

She did everything for us this year.

From teaching us about healing herbs,

to helping us with our times tables.

She's always there for us. Day after day.

Now, she's out sick for a week,
and you guys forget all about her.

Hey, that's your business,
but I can't forget,

so I made her this.

It's a "get well" card. It's from me
and anyone else who wants to sign it.

This is my independent study project,

and I don't care who likes it.

[cheering]

[Mr. E.] Detweiler?

That project you did? It touched me.

-It did?
-I had you all wrong, kid.

Sure, you're spirited, but you are loyal.

I respect that.

Well, I gotta admit.

I wouldn't have made this card
if it hadn't been for you.

It was one of the best things I ever did.

Maybe you're not such a bad teacher
after all.

Coming from you,
I'll take that as a compliment.

Hey, Mr. E.?

Think you'd like to sign my card?

"Grotke, you've got a heck of a class. E."

Say, Mr. E., there's something
that's been bugging me.

Could you tell me what the "E" stands for?

No.

You are so cool.

Ah, man, this is worse than the line
for The Decimator at the Gonzo World.

T.J., please, I'm calculating the angle
that will best deflect

the kinetic force of the oncoming ball.

I just swing from the heels
and m*rder the thing.

[Phil] Next victim.

[Gretchen grunts]

Are you OK, Gretchen?

Oh, I believe so.
No contusions or abrasions.

Great. Then I'm up.

Next.

[sighs]

There's gotta be some field
of athletic endeavor

in which someone like myself might excel.

[Ashleys] ♪ The new fall line
Is coming in ♪

♪ Polka dots and leopard skin ♪

♪ Mommy, see the nice barrette? ♪

♪ How many of them can I get? ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

Take a picture, Grundler.
It'll last longer.

Oh, excuse me. Do you think I could try?

Ugh. If you must.

[Ashleys] ♪ In the shopping mall I stand ♪

♪ Daddy's charge card in my hand ♪

♪ If some shoes should catch my eye ♪

♪ How many pretty pairs will I buy? ♪

-♪ One ♪
-One--

Whoops. No shoes for you, Gretchen.

And you could really use some.

[the Ashleys laugh]

So swinging is a result
of coordinated action

between legs and arms.

That shouldn't be too hard.

-Oof!
-Pff! Amateurs.

There's got to be some sport

I could be good at, but what? What?

Yo-yo? Hmm.

[bells dinging]

Eureka!

[kids] Wow! Wow!

Hey, what's going on over there?

Maybe some kid's throwing up. Come on!

[Gretchen] And I call
this particular piece

-"Splitting the atom."
-[cheering]

-Gretchen, you're... great.
-Thanks, guys,

but I'm not great, just good.

I still can't seem to master
"the Invisible man."

What's the Invisible man?

It's a classic yo-yo move.
Using two yo-yos,

you knock a pair of empty shoes
across the floor,

creating the illusion
of an invisible man walking.

It was last performed
In 1962 by Tommy "the Tickler" Tate.

Tommy Tate? Isn't that the name

of the old guy
who lives across the street?

Yeah, my dad does his taxes.
You think he's the same guy?

-Maybe.
-So you're saying this guy was good?

Good? He was national champ
seven years running.

Maybe you could get him
to teach you that trick.

Nah, I wouldn't try that if I were you.
I hear he hates kids.

[bell rings]

[Gretchen] Tommy Tate.

Could it be?

[doorbell rings]

[man] Whatever you're selling,
I ain't buying!

I'm not selling anything, Mr. Tate.

I was just hoping
you could teach me a yo-yo trick.

Trick? Yo-yo isn't tricks, kid.
It's hard work.

It requires extreme physical
and mental discipline.

But I still wanna learn.
Excuse me for being persistent, sir,

but I heard you were the best.

Yeah, that was a long time ago.

Now, you're barking up
the wrong tree, acorn.

-Now, skedaddle!
-But you don't understand, Mr. Tate.

All these years, I wanted to be good
at a sport, just one.

Then I found the yo-yo, and it felt
like magic flowing out of my fingers.

And I thought if I could just do
"the Invisible man..."

[sighs] What's the use?

To master the art of yo-yo,

you've gotta endure hours
of punishing practice,

string burn, swollen fingers,

arm fatigue,
and crippling bouts of vertigo.

You'll eat, sleep, and breathe yo-yo.

TV? That's out. Dulls the senses.

And, girly, you're gonna need
every last sense you've got.

-Think you are up to it?
-Yes, sir, I know I am.

You don't shake with that.
It's your instrument.

Go home and get some rest.
We start tomorrow.

Oh, and, kid, you got a juicer?

No, sir, Mr. Tate.

Well, get one,
and plenty of butternut squash.

Yee-hah!

No, no, no. You knocked all wrong.

It's this. See this?
It's this. Just like this.

Wow! Look at all these trophies.

Won that gold one over in Sweden,

and I took that lovin' cup
In the Tri-State Open in 1957.

But enough of the past. It's show time.

[clicking sounds]

Note where my plant foot is, huh, huh?

That is the secret of yo.

[Mr. Tate] Makes the fingers nimble.
Bottoms up, kid.

Nah, nah, nah. Anyone can walk the dog.

You gotta promenade,
little lady! Promenade!

But I-I don't understand.

Promenade, girlie,
like your life depends on it!

Promenade, right.

That's it! That's the tune
I was looking for!

That, young lady, is yo.

Really? So that's yo-o-o!

Faster, faster. Throw it!
You hate that yo-yo!

You want it out of your hands!

Arms straight, chin up, stay on your feet,
heels over heels.

Stiffen up that wrist!

[blows whistle]

OK, let's hang it up for today.

[Gretchen exhales]

You know, kid, you're good.
Best I've seen in a long time.

With a little more practice,
you'll be ready for the expo.

-The what?
-The Yappy Yo-Yo Pro Expo,

comes to town in a couple of weeks.

Wow! You really think I'd do all right?

I think you'd take home the trophy.

A trophy? Wow.

[Miss Grotke] Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone know the answer? Anyone at all?

-Yes!
-Yes, Gretchen? What's the answer?

Um, the Dewey Decimal System?

So you're saying the angry colonists,

dressed as Native Americans,

dumped the Dewey Decimal System
into Boston Harbor?

Gretchen, the yo-yo, please.

This is the sixth one this week.

You're the last person
I'd expect this from.

[Mikey] I just don't get it!

Why would the chicken
wanna make us think he tastes good?

Doesn't he know what happens
to tasty chickens?

It's just a commercial, Mikey.

But it doesn't make any sense.
What do you think, Gretchen?

Huh? What?
I didn't see the commercial, Mikey.

I was practicing.
Don't you people ever talk about yo-yos?

Sheesh, Gretch,
why don't you put that thing away?

Yeah. You've been yo-yoing all day.

All day nothing, It's been weeks,
up and down, up and down.

It's giving me a migraine.

Well, excuse me! For once in my life,

I'm good at a real sport,
a sport with trophies.

It's important to me, OK?

More important than any science fair,
quiz bowl,

or chess tournament I've ever been in.

If you guys can't support me, then sorry!

I was just asking about the chicken.

[Mr. Tate] We'll cut it short today.

You should taper down
for the big expo tomorrow.

Besides, you seem a little off.

I'm sorry about that, coach.
It's just I yelled at my friends today.

They don't seem to understand
why I'm doing this.

Listen, kid, there comes a time
in every great yo-yoer's life

when he has to decide
what's more important,

the yo-yo or everything else.

Gee. I guess I never realized

how much you have to give up
to be truly great.

Kid, let me show you something.

This baby was my favorite yo-yo.

She walked, twirled,
and around-the-worlded me

to every trophy in my case,

and, well, I want you to have her.

Gee, I don't know, Mr. Tate.

Take it, kid. You deserve it.

Thanks, coach. I won't let you down.

Atta girl.

Hey, let's juice some squash.

I still don't see why we had to come
to this goofy thing.

Especially after what Gretchen said
about the chicken.

Look, guys, Gretchen is our friend,
and if yo-yoing is that important to her,

then you know what we got to do.

Cheer our brains out?

Like our lives depended on it.

See that kid?
That's Alex Lorall, the reigning champ.

I've seen him in all the magazines.
They say he's the best there is.

He is, except for you.

Do me a favor, trounce him.

[announcer] Let the games begin!

[cheering]

Oh!

[audience] Aw!

[audience] Yay!

8.5? That's a joke, judge.

You watching the same expo we're watching?

[gasps]

[clicks tongue] Pathetic wannabes.

Just one point separates
Gretchen and Lorall.

It all comes down to this.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
our final round!

-Good luck, Alex.
-[scoffs]

Luck? Luck is for losers.
Good luck to you, though.

[announcer] And now our first finalist.

Undefeated Yappy Yo-yo champion

Alex Lorall!

[audience cheering]

[cheering]

She's doomed.

Let's see you b*at that, cookie.

[announcer] And now our second finalist

Gretchen Gondolier!

Excuse me, Grundler!

[gulp]

One yo-yo? Big deal.

Hey!

[announcer] She's got four yo-yos
going at once! Incredible!

She's walking a whole pack of dogs!

[cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen, it can't be!
It's an invisible man!

That move hasn't been seen
in sanctioned competition

since 1962!

-[audience cheers loudly]
-[fireworks going off]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Yappy Yo-yo Pro Expo

has a new champion!

Miss Gretchen Grundler!

Gretchen, your Cinderella story
has inspired millions tonight!

Is there anything you'd like to say?

Well, yes,
I'd like to take this opportunity

to retire from professional yo-yo.

[gasps]

I did what I set out to do.
I was good at the sport.

And now I've got some schoolwork to do
and some friends to catch up with.

But there is one thing I wanted to say.

This one's for the Tickler!

She can't do that!
She can't take my title

and not give me a chance for a rematch!

That's not fair!
I could lose endorsements!

[cheering]

-Hey, Mr. Tate.
-Hey, kid.

I guess you must think I'm a quitter.

No, I think you're smart
to go back to your friends.

Heck, by the time I got out of the game,

I didn't have any friends left
to go back to.

You probably want this back.

Keep it. Someday, years form now,
there will be a knock on your door,

and there will be a kid there
who wants you to help him.

And if you're lucky,

that kid will make you feel
the way I felt today.

Well, I better get going.

Hey, Tickler.

Yo.

Yo.

[bell ringing]