02x07 - The Girl Was Trouble/Copycat Kid

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Oof!

Ah!

[fizzing]

[burp]

OK, let's go! Line up, five rows of 20!

Move it, move it, move it!

[Vince] Man, someone
must be in big trouble.

Finster hasn't canceled recess

since Billy Stoler
short-sheeted her support hose.

She was limping for three days.

Ten-hut!

This week we've seen a crime wave

unparalleled in Third Street history.

Someone on this playground is responsible

for breaching nearly every rule
we hold sacred.

Even the cannibalism taboo?

Evidence connects a single mastermind
with these crimes.

One kid who's done it all.
Written graffiti mocking the faculty,

defaced restrooms,
stolen food from the cafeteria,

and made a complete mess of the mess area.

This someone will be going directly
to Principal Prickly's office.

This someone
will receive severe punishment

befitting these atrocities.

This someone is Gretchen P. Grundler.

[gasps]

Miss Finster, Gretchen's the best kid
in school.

Yeah, you're making a terrible mistake.

Tell her, Gretchen.

No, guys, she's right.
Take me away, Miss Finster.

Gretchen, what are you saying?

Don't worry yourself over me anymore, T.J.

I'm nothing but trouble.

March, young lady.

Gretchen gone bad? It can't be.

Down is up! Black is white!
The millennium approaches!

[Gretchen] I know what you're asking.

How did it happen?

How did Gretchen Grundler,
straight-A student,

end up taking the long walk
to the principal's office?

It's a story as long
as the lines at Gonzo World,

but without the free refills.

We've been expecting you, Grundler.
Take a seat.

Principal Prickly
will be with you in a moment.

Well, well,
if it ain't "goody-two-shoes" Grundler.

What'd you do, Grundler? Get too many A's?

-[laughs]
-I'm not in the mood, Murphy.

Oh, come on, Grundler.
Where's your sense of humor?

When you're about to face the man,
sometimes that's all you got.

So, what you in for?

It's a long story.

Pfft. Like we're going somewheres?

[Gretchen] She had a a point.

I don't know
what it was that finally made me spill.

Maybe it was Sue Bob's earthiness.

Maybe it was the clicketyclack
of Miss Lemon's typewriter.

Whatever the reason,
I suddenly felt compelled

to tell Sue Bob the whole sordid tale.

It all started
about a week ago on my birthday.

[Gretchen] It was a great day.
My favorite uncle George

gave me the best gift I ever got.

A Galileo hand-held personal computer.

Galileo was a dream come true,

a powerful multifunction PC
that fit in the palm of my hand.

It had 16 megabytes of RAM,
internet access,

and cute howdy froggy desktop icons
that made computing fun.

Hey, Gretchen,

don't look now, but you've got mail.

Whoa! That thing talks.

Don't feel threatened, Vince.

Computers are only as smart
as the humans who program them.

[indistinct chatter]

In fact, the battle of... oops, sorry...

The argument
they couldn't settle with words

of Bunker Hill
actually took place on Breed's Hill.

[Gretchen] Yep. Galileo did everything.

Thanks to a sophisticated spoken-word
translation program,

it even took notes in class.

Excuse me, Miss Grotke.

Could you repeat that last point?

And this time, please,
speak slowly and enunciate.

Oh, well, OK.

[slowly] The argument
they couldn't settle...

Mm-hm.

[Gretchen] Galileo even calibrated age,
skill level, and frustration factors,

and would let me win
at chess occasionally.

-Checkmate!
-Good move, Gretchen. you finally win one.

[Gretchen] That's right. I loved a machine
like a sister or a kind uncle.

Maybe that's sick, maybe it's twisted,

but love it I did.

And then one day everything changed.

[Vince] Gretch, you're up!

Excuse me, would you be so kind
as to watch this for me?

Sure.

[Galileo] You go, girl!
Kick it out of the park.

You're out of there!

[gasps]

Where... oh, where's Galileo?

I don't know,
it wasn't my turn to watch him.

[stammers] But, yes, it was,
and now it's gone!

I looked in Miss Grotke's class.

And I checked the P.E. room. Nothing.

This is a nightmare.

Let's go over this again.

You asked the Diggers,
you talked to the Ashleys,

you checked the lost and found.

You did check the lost and found,
didn't you?

I guess that was a no.

The lost and found box, Menlo.
I need to see it now.

That's not the way it works.
You tell me what you lost,

And I'll tell you if it's in the box.
Those are the rules.

[sighs]

One Galileo hand-held PC, model G-55,

serial number 76502.

Oh, yeah. Spiffy little piece of tech.
300 meg chip, voice-activated control,

-cellular e-mail--
-Yes. Yes. That's it.

-Is it in there?
-Nope, I just like asking.

[Menlo] I do remember seeing
something like that, though.

-Where?
-I don't know. My memory's a little hazy.

-Out with it!
-OK! OK! Just don't hurt me.

Yesterday at recess, I was...

[Gretchen] Menlo sang like an old guy
in the shower when nobody's home.

He told me who had Galileo.
It was Greg Skeets, the graffiti kid,

guy who couldn't spell "computer,"
much less use one.

Menlo told me where to find him.

I don't make it a habit

to slum
in the Third Street School underworld.

But if I wanted Galileo back,
I had to hold my nose and plunge in.

Nice work. You're a regular Degas.

What did you call me?

Nothing. Listen, I seem to have misplaced
my hand-held computer.

About yea big, matte-black finish,
soothing voice.

Maybe you've seen it around.

You mean that TV remote I found
under the bench by the kickball field?

I traded it for a stick of gum.
Stupid thing didn't even work on my TV.

Who! Who did you trade it to?

Hey! I'm no blabbermouth.
Now b*at it. I'm busy.

I need to write something nasty
about Finster before the bell.

Uh... how do you spell "meanie"?

You know?
Your writing will have much more punch

with a varied vocabulary.

Yeah, but I don't know any new words.

I guess I've taken my art
as far as I can go.

Skeets, I'll make you a deal.
You tell me who's got my computer,

and I'll give you some good words
to use on the wall.

-Words? Like what?
-How about "nefarious"?

Yeah, that has a ring to it.

Finster is a nefarious Degas.

Thanks, brainiac.

[Gretchen] Skeets gave me
a single name. Mundy.

He told me where Mundy hung out.

I was about to go even deeper
into the school underbelly,

to a place I'd heard about but never seen,

a place out of a nightmare.

This is all so ugly and wrong.

[running water]

Excuse me, Mr. Mundy. I believe
you have something that belongs to me.

Dang.

I said you have something that--

I heard you.
I ain't got nothing of nobody's.

-But Skeets said--
-Nothing of nobody's.

Dang. These suckers won't stick.

Mundy, I know this is highly unethical,
but what would you say if I told you

how to get those "suckers,"
as you call them to stick to the ceiling?

Depends. What's the catch?

A simple trade. My info for your info.

Well, deal, but you gotta go first.

Very well. See,
it's really a function of viscosity,

-or "v" in the formula of "v" over "H."
-Viscosi who?

[sighs] A little liquid soap
in your paper wad mixture,

and you'll have this place
looking like a bat cave in no time.

Wow. You smart kids
know some important stuff after all.

Now, what about your end of the bargain?

I, uh, traded your thingamajig
to Kirsten Kurst for a bite of her pizza.

[gulps]

You mean, Kurst the Worst?

[Gretchen] Skeets and Mundy
were one thing,

but Kurst... she was a force of nature.

Where is she, Mundy?
Where is Kurst the Worst?

[utensils rattling]

[gulps]

Kurst, I want my Galileo computer.

I know Mundy gave it to you
and I want it back.

That piece of junk? I traded it.
You can't eat a compu-thingie.

Now, bug off! I'm about to enjoy
an all-I-can-eat buffet,

courtesy of Third Street School.

-But... But--
-You heard me! Blow! Go on, dangle.

[Gretchen] Maybe
I should've just turned and walked away.

Maybe I should've gone to the authorities
and let the system do its job.

Maybe I should've done
a lot of things, but I didn't.

Before I knew what hit me,
something inside me snapped.

Kurst!

I want my Galileo, and I want it now!

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, that's too bad,

'cause I handed it over to señor pudding!

[grunts]

[screams]

I got Kirsten Kurst a couple times,

then she blindsided me
with a bowl of tapioca.

When I came to my senses, she was gone.

I managed to sneak out of there unseen,

but by the time I was done
wiping pudding out of my hair,

Finster was all over me
like a pig on sorbet.

But I don't get it,
how did Finster finger you?

It wasn't so tough, girlie.

Gretchen here, left a trail of clues
a mile wide.

"Nefarious" happens to be the word
she won last year's spelling bee with.

The viscosity of liquid soap
was the subject

of her blue ribbon science fair project,

and finally, here's a tissue,
for Pete's sake,

you missed a spot of tapioca
on your glasses.

Oh, you're smart, Grundler,
but it's all book and no street.

[laughs]

Anyway, I guess you could say
I got what's coming to me.

But I don't get it.
You're gonna take the fall

for those other kids? Why?

I didn't try to stop them, did I?

I could have, but didn't.
That makes me as guilty

as if I'd held the chalk, paper wads,
and pudding myself.

Grundler, you're all right. Here.

Galileo. you had it?

Yeah, I traded Kurst the Worst
a slice of pimento loaf for it.

I-I don't know what to say.

Hello, Gretchen, where have you been?
You've got stacks of e-mail.

And exactly who was that
who tried to take a bite out of me?

Gee, Sue Bob. Thanks.

[telephone rings]

Yes, sir? I see.

OK, Grundler. He'll see you now.

Wish me luck.

Well, well, Miss Grundler,

you're the last person
I would've expected to go rotten,

but facts speak for themselves.

As much as it pains me,
I'm afraid I must lower the boom on you.

I understand, sir.

First of all, you will clean up
every mess you made,

secondly, you can look forward
to no recess for quite some time,

-and thirdly--
-[beeping]

Oh, no. Not again!

This infernal cr*cker box
will be the death of me.

Problem, sir?

Oh, my computer keeps beeping,
telling me I've got e-mail,

and I can't, for the life of me,
figure out how to read it.

-May I suggest tapping the escape key?
-[beeping]

[buzz]

[Prickly] And there it is! My e-mail!

-How did you know that?
-Oh, you know, a little thing I picked up.

Any idea how to get my files to print
the long way across the paper?

Oh, landscape versus portraits?
It's quite simple, really.

Let me show you.

Hey, Not bad.
And how about getting on the net?

And using my CD-ROM?
And what's all this stuff about saving?

[Gretchen] It was a crazy end
to a crazy story.

Principal Prickly got so interested
in what I was showing him on his computer,

he forgot all about taking away my recess,

though I did have to clean up the messes.

Still, I got Galileo back,

I survived my sordid journey
through the underworld,

and I'm never going back there again.

[Prickly] Hey, do you know
how to program a VCR?

OK, Gretchen. Here comes an easy one.

Burn it in here, baby.

Ah! It's coming right at me!

Make it stop! Make it stop!

-You're out!
-You mean I hit it?

[cheering]

-[boy] Great catch!
-[Spinelli] Way to go, man!

Hey, what's Mikey doing out there?

I don't know. That's the way
he always plays right field.

Baseball, oh, baseball,
why art thou so fun?

Be it the peanuts, the hot dog, the bun?

OK. Zip up your parkas, boys.

I'm sending this one to Siberia.

Heads up, Mikey! It's coming your way!

Nay, nay, I say. That is not all.

The fun is in playing and catching the--

[everyone] Mikey!

Ah!

Got it.

You're out!

[cheering]

[indistinct praising]

Vince, you caught it.

He sure did.

Stoke and poke, that batter's smoke.

You... You saved my life.

Hey, all I did was catch the ball.
It was no biggie.

[bell rings]

He saved my life.

[Miss Grotke]
If one Earth's friendly electric car

saves 235 gallons
of fossil fuel every week,

then 30 electric cars would save...

Anyone? Anyone?

Come on, people.

This is our planet we're talking about.

Oh, yes, Mikey. Do you have the answer?

No, Miss Grotke, but if it's all right,

I'd like to make an announcement.

Well, free expression
isn't for another 20 minutes,

but OK.

[clears throat]

I just wanna say
that Vince LaSalle saved my life.

[chuckles uncomfortably]

Yes, well, Vince is a fine young man.

Now, where were we?

[groans]

You put your feet out like this,
then you hold the bat up like this,

then you bend your knees a little,

wiggle your feet, and swing!

Leave it to Vince
to improve on perfection.

[Mikey, through PA system]
May I have your attention, please?

This is Mikey talking.
I just wanted to say

that Vince LaSalle saved my life.

He's the coolest kid in school.
That is all.

[kids laughing]

[groans]

Hey, guys, did I tell you
that Vince saved my life?

-[everyone] Yes!
-Wow! How could anybody be so cool?

I mean, was he born that way or what?

An interesting question, Mikey.

The old "nature versus nurture" conundrum.

Is Vince's coolness innate,
or did he learn it along the way?

You mean a guy could learn
to be that cool?

Well, theoretically--

There he is! My hero Vince!

Wait, buddy. I wanna ask you a question.

Oh, hi, Mikey. I'd like to stay and chat,
but I'm kind of in a hurry and--

Here is my question.

Were you born cool,
or did you pick it up later?

Ugh, come on, man. You're embarrassing me.

Look. I'm just a regular guy like you, OK?

Hey, guys, did you hear?
Zack Ditta's frog d*ed,

and he's gonna cut him open.

And what are we waiting for?

Wow. And he's humble, too.

I wanna be just like him.

The chameleon is a lizard animal creature

that has the ability to change himself

to match his surroundings.

He may be spotted, or green, or yellow

with little red dots one minute,

but then the next minute
he can turn orange, or orange-brown,

or orange-brown with stripes,

or orange-brown with no stripes,

or yellowish-pink with spots,

or yellow-green, or green-yellow,

or no green at all, or back to all green,

or yellow with red dots, or whatever.

-[boy] Ow!
-[girl] Yes, the chameleon

Is an amazing lizard animal creature.

He is indeed one
of nature's greatest oddities.

Oof!

[whimpers]

Hey, that's my batting stance.

Wow. It works.

[Spinelli] Run, you big lummox! Run!

[sighs]

Stoke and poke, that ball is smoke.

Huh?

[Vince] I'm telling you guys,
he's doing everything I do.

He's become a total copycat.

Oh, come on, he's just trying out
a couple of your moves.

As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery.

No, you guys don't understand,
it's gone way beyond that.

The guy's stealing my heat.

Trust me, Vince, you're overreacting.

-Oh, yeah? Well, check this out.
-[clicking sound approaching]

[gasps]

Hey, guys, what's up?

Hey, did you see the game last night?

Overtime? Forget about it.

I'm telling you,

they never should have traded
Elwood to Cincy.

Uh-oh.

[cheering]

Good sh*t, Mikey!

You're the best, Mikey!

It's all in the wrist, my peeps.

-OK, Vince, you were right.
-Yeah, you gotta stop this thing.

-But how?
-Well, perhaps you could reason with him.

Yeah, talk to the guy, he's your friend.

[sighs] Well, it's worth a try.

[boy] Good sh*t, Mikey. all right!

-Hey, Mikey, can I get a word?
-Sure, man.

So, Vince, what's up?

Well, I don't know how to say this, Mikey,
but you've gotta stop copying me.

I mean, it was flattering at first,
but come on.

I hear you man.
It sounds like you are feeling robbed,

like I'm cutting your zone,
stealing your moves,

leaning too hard on the big "V."

That's it, on the nose.

You know what you need, man?
You need a little quality time alone,

a little one-on-one with the Vincemeister,

'cause when I'm around,
you can't be yourself,

and it's driving you nuts.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Don't forget. It's you, man. It's you.

[Mikey] OK, let's play some ball!

Uh, what just happened here?

I don't know,
but he owns the top of the key.

[sighs]

-[bell rings]
-[cheering]

Hey, Mikey! You up
for a little game of dodgeball?

-You know it.
-[boy] Yay, Mikey!

[boy 2] Let's play!

Dodgeball? That used to be my game.

[cheering]

[crowd] Mikey! Mikey! Mikey!

It used to be, "Vince! Vince! Vince!"

Hey, mister, get off my swing.

Oh, man, what a day.

Well, maybe things will look better
in the morning.

I mean, they can't look any worse.

Ahh... A new day.

Hey, somebody switched my shoes,

and they got them three sizes too big.

And, hey, somebody's been wearing
my shirt,

and they stretched it
all out of shape, and...

Oh, no! Somebody's been using my glove,

and they wrote poetry all over it.

Hey, mom!

Mom, somebody's been...

[gasps]

Dude, pull up a chair
and make yourself at home.

[screams]

What's eating him?

This can't be happening.
This can't be happening. This can't be...

Hi, guy.

No!

[panting]

That's it.
Tomorrow morning I'm getting my life back,

one way or another.

Hey, Mikey, we really need to talk to you
about this Vince thing.

Sure, but first, you guys want to see
my new kicking technique?

All you got to do is step,
step, and... Huh?

[everyone] Vince?

-Hi, guys.
-Vince, what are you doing?

Eating. Want a winger-dinger?

Whoa, wait, timeout. What's going on, man?

I mean, where's the jersey?
Where's the sneaks?

That stuff? I gave it up.
I'm tossing aside the life of the body

in order to pursue the life of the heart.

Hey, you can't do that.
You're being like me.

Oh, kindred spirit, must there be but one,

-Quit it!
-or aren't we all wieners

in this great cosmic bun?

-Stop that.
-Say, you ever wondered

how they get the white stuff
in the middle of these things?

[screams]

What's eating him?

Mikey, you hiding in the stall again?

[Mikey] Go away.

Don't be upset, Mikey.
I was just copying you to make a point.

Yeah, well, you made it.
You're cool and I'm not.

Aw, come on, Mikey. What is cool, anyway?

Being able to hit a ball into outer space.

Mikey, that's just something I'm good at.

Think of all the stuff you're good at.

I mean, you write poems better
than any kid I know.

They even rhyme, which, by the way,
is a lot harder than I thought.

If mom hadn't made hot dogs last night,

I would have never come up
with the cosmic bun.

You needed props to rhyme
"one" with "bun"?

Don't rub it in.

[Mikey sighs]

Look, man, you got your style
and I got mine.

What makes a person cool

is when they know their style
and don't care

what anybody else thinks about it.

You know, I gotta admit,

I kind of miss noticing
the beauty all around me.

That's because this is you and that is me.

I know, but it sure was fun
while it lasted.

Yeah, well,
it was pretty fun being you, too.

Now, come on, let's get to class
before Miss Grotke gives us both tardies.

It's a deal, pal.

[Mikey] Actually,
this is kind of a relief.

Your underwear is a little restricting.

[Vince] That's more
than I needed to know, Mikey.

The alfalfa, the chalk dust,
the oil in my glove.

These are the things
that remind me of, um...

♪ Spinelli's stealing second
Spinelli's stealing-- ♪

Say that again, pal,
and we'll be using your head for the ball!

[gulps]

Heads up, Mikey! It's coming your way!

I got it, I got it!

Mikey, you... You saved my life.

[gulps] Uh-oh.

[bell ringing]