01x07 - The Two Faces of Dr. Cockroach; The Thing With One Brain

[bunniefuu]

Male announcer: And now,
nickelodeon and dreamworks'

Monsters vs. Aliens.

- ♪ mva ♪

♪ mva ♪

- ♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

♪ it's us vs. Them

♪ foe vs. Friend

♪ brain vs. B.O.B.

- ♪ it's a super-freaky job

- Oh, yeah,
it's freaky.

- ♪ mva ♪

- ♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

- [cackles]
- ♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

♪ mva ♪

[spools whirring]

- Fellow monsters!

Feast your eyes on
my latest scientific creation--

The teleportation machine.

[cackles]

- Teleportation?

Didn't this already,
like, not work?

- Yeah, didn't the aliens say

That teleportation
is an impossibility?

- An impossibility for them

Because they lack the vision

That comes from having
the perfect combination

Of "mad" and "scientist."

Aloha!

- Aloha?

Wait, he's going to hawaii,

And he didn't take me?

That's a muka laka right there.

- Guys,
what makes you think this is

Actually going to work?

[hissing]

- Aloha!

It also means "hello."

And hello,

A coconut from hawaii.

- I take it back.

- Of course,
any visionary super genius

With a four-digit I.Q.
Could have done it.

- Whoo-hoo!

Bring it, doc.

Let's hear
that triumphant laugh!

- My what?

- You know, that--

[cackles]

Thing.

- Maniacal laughter
hardly seems appropriate.

- [echoing cackle]

Whoo-hoo!

Look who just did
the blinkin' impossible:

Me.

What?

[scatting indistinctly]

Shave ice, mate?

- Mahalo!

- Obviously, there are a few
unplanned side-effects.

- What a boffin!

Are you gonna just
bang on about it,

Or are we gonna
have some giggles, eh?

Game on.

You three round up
the treats and beats.

I'll bring the party!

[lively funk music]

♪

- [grunts]

You buffoon!

Can you not see

I am trying to analyze

What went wrong
with the teleportation device?

- Wrong?

It's brilliant!

I'm as fun
as a bag of ferrets!

[laughs]

- Uh...

So which one is the real one?

- Imbecile!

You are interfering
with my scientific research.

- I need this fog machine
for my mad party!

[laughs]

- Oh, my gosh.

The laugh!

They're both the real him--

Just different parts of him.

Guys, the machine
split his personality!

- So party animal dr. "c"
over there got all the "mad"--

And I'm doing air quotes here--

And smarty-pants dr. "c"
got all the "scientist"?

- Exactly.

- Ooh! You know what
else is strange?

- Else?
- Yeah.

Am I the only one
that's noticed

That there are now
two dr. Cockroaches?

[straw slurping]

- [groans]

- Just spitballing here,

But what if we teleported you

Both at the same time?

That might combine
the two of you

Back into
one dr. Cockroach, right?

- That is a solid hypothesis,

But I have decided
it is not in my best interest

To be reunited
with that buffoon.

- Feeling's mutual,

Professor pocket protector.

- What, are you kidding?

The two of you belong together.

Literally.

- Hardly.

- Hey!

- Without his barking madness,

I can finally accomplish
serious scientific work

In my laboratory.

- One problem, egghead.

This isn't your lab.

It's my lab.

And guess what.

It's not a lab at all.

It's my party room!

Whoo-hoo!

Light show!

[both grunt]

- Get out of my lab!

- Get out of my party room!

[both grunting]

- This is definitely not good.

- Hey,
you know what I'm realizing

The real problem is here?

There are actually

Two dr. Cockroaches.

Anybody else catch that?

- Cool it, guys.

If you're gonna
stay in separate bodies,

You need to work this out.

- Technically, the lab belongs
to both of them.

So who gets the boot?

- I have an idea.

[squeaks]

- Yes, that is an idea, b.O.B.

- I think it can work.

You stay
on this side of the line,

And you stay on that side.

- Ooh! Yes!

And that way they can both
share the lab.

Hey, that is a great idea.

- B.O.B., this was your idea.

- You drew the--

- Racing stripe? Yes.

Looks pretty cool, huh?

- I guess it is kind of cool.

- Pbbt!

- Hmm.

[guitar riff playing]

- I had no idea
you could rock out, dr. "c."

- Oh, yeah!

All systems are a go-go!

[rock music playing]

♪

- For collinear "p"
and collinear "r,"

The intersections "pr"
are determin--

Trying to work, thank you!

Mwah!

- [yelling]
[guitar playing]

- Rock and roll!

Party on my side of the room!

I can play all night.

[heavy metal music playing]

♪

- Yeah!

- Well,

Since the ionic reactor

Is on my side of the room...

- [screams]

- Aww.

- You can't stop rock and roll!

- Apparently, I can.

- Okay, what was that?

[both grunting]

- Come here, you frighter!

- Ooh!

cr*ck!
- Ooh!

- I totally had my doubts
about the stripe.

- Yeah! Breakdance!

- [screams]

[both grunting]

- Hey!

Knock it off, you two!

- That rapscallion is a menace!

- If you could make rainbows
sh**t out your bum,

You'd still be boring.

- You know, you'd think having
two dr. Cockroaches

Would be twice as cool.

But it's not.

It's like...

Only / ths as cool.

- Not sure about the math there,
buddy, but I get the idea.

- We just don't think this whole
twin dr. Cockroach thing

Is working out.

- I concur.

What solution are you proposing?

- Well, it just feels like
there should really only be

One dr. Cockroach, you know?

- I could not agree more.

Will you hold
that coupler in place for me?

- Sure.
So we're on the same page?

We'll make
one dr. Cockroach again?

- Affirmative.

- So, um, if I'm catching
what you're throwing,

You think there should
be only one doc "c"?

- Yup.
- It's less confusing that way.

Otherwise, I can't remember
which one of you

Borrowed money from me.

- Oh...

It was the other bug-man.

I was thinkin'
the same thing anyway.

So smashing.

Let's go back to just
one awesome dr. Cockroach.

- All right. Cool.

Wow. That was easy.

- I know, right?

- Ahh!

- Scientific reason

Demands I must destroy you!

- Yeah?

Well, I'll dance me a jig
on your spleen, boyo!

[cackles]

[lasers exploding]

- You know,
I'm beginning to think

That what we meant
by one dr. Cockroach

And what they meant
really aren't the same thing.

- Yeah, I'm thinking that too.

- Or you know what I'm thinking?

Ice cream. Two scoops.

One vanilla, one chocolate.

Will I have
some whipped cream on top?

Yes, I'm not an animal.
[expl*si*n]

- How 'bout
we take care of that first?

- Okay.

But then right after,
ice cream.

- Will you dr. Cockroaches
knock it off?

You're going to end up doing
something really--

[expl*si*n]

- [squeaks]
- bad.

- [woman over p.A.] danger.
Breach in ionic reactor core.

Total reactor meltdown in
"t" minus minutes seconds.

[tense music]

[alarm blaring]

- We need to restabilize
the core.

- [grunting]

Too late. The heat has already
melted the hatch shut.

- Doesn't matter.

Even if we could get in there,

Only a cockroach could
withstand that much radiation,

And he's currently
b*ating the tar out of himself.

- [grunts]

- Wait!

I have an idea.

- Is it racing stripes?

'cause we already tried that.

[all gasping]

[both grunting]

- [laughs]

- Ow.

[both grunting]

- Hey, fun dr. "c."

You're the only one
who can save the day!

Forget about the scientist.

We need someone mad enough
to fix this!

- You are loco!

This is a scientific problem.

We need the boring but sensible
dr. "c" all the way!

- "t" minus minute
and seconds seconds

Until total meltdown.

- Oh, well.

No one is brilliant enough

To figure out a way to get into
that core in time anyway.

- I will adjust
the transporter coordinates

And beam myself right
into the heart of the reactor

In order to stabilize the core.

- Not if I get there first!

[both yelling]

- Whole once again.

- seconds until
full ionic meltdown.

- We shall see about that!

[cackles]

- seconds
until total meltdown.

Total meltdown in
, , ,

, , , ...

- A bit of chewing gum

And this foil wrapper.

- Ionic core stabilized.

Reactor meltdown avoided.

- Whoo-hoo!

Yes, that's right!

I did it!

[cackles]

- I guess there was one thing

Those two had in common
the whole time.

- [cackles]

- An enormous ego.

- Bingo.

[tense music]

- Somebody help!

We've got runaway missiles!

- [laughs]

- Hugs, everybody!

Whoo! Nailed it.

- All you need to do

Is disable
the triggering mechanism.

- Uh, yeah, triggering what now?

- Never mind.

[both yelling]

- At least tell me
it looked cool.

- It did.

- That's all I ask.

- I think it's dandy
that team monster

Stopped the runaway missiles.

If only team monster

Hadn't launched
the runaway missiles!

- [electronic voice] launch.
Launch. Launch. Launch.

- Come on. Where's my lunch?

I'm hungry.

Is anybody else having issues
with the lunch button?

- That is some classic b.O.B.

- B.O.B.?

B.O.B.!

B.O.B.,

Remember when we talked about
the big difference between

"launch" and "lunch"?

- Oh, yeah.

Now, that reminds me,

Has anyone seen my launch box?

- Son, if you had a brain,

You'd be dangerous.

- Oh, dr. Cockroach.

I was thinking--

Which, since I've got no brain,

Isn't easy,

Believe you me--

- I believe you, b.O.B.
- Right.

Anyway,
you've got so much brain.

Maybe I could
have some of yours.

- Ha.

My rather substantial cerebellum

Is safely housed
within my cranium.

Though you have given me

A rather intriguing idea.

[thunder crashing]

Monsters,
meet b.O.B.'s brain!

[device whirring]

- [chuckles]

Whoa.

- Let me guess.

You pulled the parts
from the vacuum cleaner.

- [sighs] I didn't think
anyone would notice.

Mistakes learned from.

Onto progress.

[device rapidly beeping]

- Doughnuts, doughnuts.

Sugary, sweet doughnuts.

Doughnuts. Eat 'em with meat!

- So this time
you used parts from the...

- Deep fryer.
- Because...

- Someone was using
the toaster oven.

- Doughnuts, doughnuts,

Sugary and sweet!

[echoing] doughnuts! Doughnuts!

Eat 'em with meat!

- So as you can see,

My plan to increase
earth's mugginess is--

- Eat 'em with meat!

- I-is on track to--

- Sugary and sweet!
- To, um--

[groans]

Let me put you on hold.

- Doughnuts, doughnuts!

Sugary and sweet!

- How am I to plan
planetary conquest

With all this confounding noise?

- What?
- Doughnuts! Eat 'em with meat!

- I said...

Um...

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

[chuckles]

Just one of my quirks,

Saying nothing, you know...

What is that?

An artificial brain?

- Go away.

- Right.

Oh, look at the time.

Bye, now.

Okay.

Forget the mugginess thing.

New plan.

- [humming]

- Oh, dear!

Someone sure spilled a lot
of malodorous garbage out here.

- Dibs!

- My, doctor,
how busy you have been.

Allow me to add
my own evil tweak.

[cackles]

- And now...

For real this time...

B.O.B.'s brain!

[slot machine dinging]

- Oh, I was pressing
the launch button for lunch.

Me, oh, my...

What a daft harlequin I am.

- Right.

- Tis I!

Though I must admit I feel

A rather strong paradigm shift

In my state of being.

- It worked!

You have intelligence!

- Such an obvious observation,
doctor.

To be expected
when one's phd is in dance.

- Perfect...

And so subtle.

Genius!

[cackles]

- You feeling all right, b.O.B.?

- B.O.B., b.O.B., b.O.B.

Ugh. So common.

B.O.B. No longer exists.

Call me...

Robert.

[cackles]

- Okay.

- Okay, practice drill.

Unknown object
entering our atmosphere.

Probably hostile. What do we do?

- Get ready for a smack-down

Before it hits ground.

- Use my repulser ray

To keep it away.

- Ask what qualifies you

To be leading
this ridiculous exercise.

- Excuse me?

- I mean,
I understand why you

As opposed to
fish-for-brains over there.

- Hey!

I vastly prefer you to the bug,

Who is clearly more
"mad" than "scientist."

Lol.

But as far as I can tell, susan,

You are an aggressively
average woman.

I think my high school
transcript

Says otherwise.

A.P. Trig.

In your face.

- Mm.

Your leadership
seems only to come

From your ability
to change size.

[air horn blowing]

[both grunt]

- And even that you can't
control very well.

[cackles]

[fanciful harpsichord music]

[record scratching]

Huh?

- Listen, robert,

I don't know exactly

How to say this gently, but--

- Take the stupid brain out!

It's turning you into a jerk!

- "gently?"

Anybody else hear me say that?

- Ah,

You feel the new me
has been unnecessarily brusque

And perhaps even a touch
impertinent with you.

- Took the words
out of my mouth.

- Well, I couldn't agree more,

Which is why I've whipped up
something special for you all.

Where did I--

Ah, here they are.

- Presents!

- Oh, I-I like presents.

- Come, susan.

I promise,

What's in this box

Is something
you genuinely deserve.

- Hmm,
I-I'm afraid I don't quite--

- [grunts]
it was a trap!

- [grunts]

This stuff...

I--I can't break it.

- You've reached into my head

And drawn forth
my greatest fear.

- General monger did say I'd be
dangerous if I had a brain.

How correct he was.

[cackles]

- B.O.B.--

Robert--whatever--

If you think
this can hold me--

Yeow!

You're kind of onto something.

- But why, b.O.B.?

We are your friends.

- Please.

I'm too smart for friends!

My new playground partner

Is "conquest of the world."

I'm off to subjugate
the world to my will.

Ta!

- You have done well, robert.

Together, our combined intellect

Will bring this planet to its--

[gasps]
for me?!

[cackles]

- So you knew he trapped us...

But you still opened
your present.

- And then put it on.

- I like hats.

How was I to know it was
an anti-telekinesis hat?

- Pardon me, but can you confirm

That this is indeed the location
of the death ray?

- It is.

- Duh...

I left my gum in there.

Can I go in for a sec?

I won't break nothin'.

I'm too stupid. Heh.

- Sure thing, b.O.B.

You know, if he had a brain,

He'd be dangerous.

- Here's what I don't get:

Why has b.O.B.
Suddenly gone evil?

- Easy. Smart equals evil.

- Ahem.

Certainly not.

Someone must have tinkered

With the artificial brain.

But who would have done
such a thing?

- I suspect the night janitor.

Oh, what's his name?

Doug?

I suspect doug.

Take a look at doug.

Doug.

Now, just how will we escape
these traps, hmm?

Any thoughts?

- I'm going to try something.

It might hurt,

But I'm trying it.

[yells]

- Ow!

Was that necessary?

- Kind of, yeah.

- Oh.

Oh, yes, I get it now.

- [grunts]

- Hold up, guys.

We're dealing with the smartest
being on the planet.

- [scoffs]
hardly.

- You put on the hat.

- Let's just bring
our a-plus game, okay?

- [cackles]

- Ooh!

A gift! Maybe it's a hat!

Both: No!

- My,
isn't this a familiar tableau?

[chuckles]

- Okay, you got us, robert.

We were stupid.

- Some of us more than others.

- [groans]

- You're really, really smart.

You know everything.

Except you don't know
that being smart

Doesn't make you special.

Being b.O.B.
Is what made you special.

Being b.O.B.
Was what mattered to us,

To your friends.

So what do you say, b.O.B.?

Why not just turn off
that old death ray

And come home to the monsters
who love you.

- Ah, susan.

You think you can just
slop on the sentimentality

And I'll go all gooey.

Cockroach didn't
make me a heart.

He made me a brain!

Ha!

[cackles]

Ooh.

Whaaa?

Hey, guys,

Remember that giant bubble
machine I wished for?

Here it is!

- Well, I wasn't thinking that.

- It works. Take it.

- Was that something special?

- Nope.

- But you are, b.O.B.

- Aw, thanks, susan.

Now, who's hungry?

I could really go
for some launch!