10x07 - LGBSteve

[bunniefuu]

Roller derby is amazing.

I can't believe they were giving tickets at the Organic Juice store.

I didn't even have to buy juice.

I did.

They're good.

One tastes just like apple juice except it's really salty and has lots of scum on top.

Did you see that trip? That's bullcrap.

Somebody do something.

Don't worry.

Here comes the cavalry.

Whoa, that was awesome.

These women are warriors.

They live by the code of the ancient Amazon.

A sisterhood that had each other's backs.

Wow, I wish I had that.

You do! Hello? Right here? You know I always got your back, girlfriend.

- Hey! - Don't block the aisle, bitch! - Klaus! - What? Did something just Uh I mean, I caught the tail and the fat, but I don't want to get involved in anything if I didn't see the whole the whole incident, because, you know when I come, I come heavy.

But it's just irresponsible if I didn't see the whole incident.

You have any beefs going forward, I got your back.

Assuming I see the whole incident.

Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- good morning, U.

S.

A.

Excuse me, miss.

I-I got to say, what you guys do is incredible.

You're like modern Amazon warriors.

It's not "miss.

" It's iris.

I don't respond to gender-specific titles.

Love it.

If you're into it, you should try out.

Really?! [ Gasps ]

I'd love to! Oh, but can I play if I'm straight? Straight, huh? Not getting that from you.

But sexual orientation -- that's your own business.

You're so open-minded.

[ Horn honking ]

[ Loudly ]

Hayley, I'm sorry for earlier.

I did see the whole incident.

Geez, Klaus.

How much have you had to drink? One beer.

So, let's go find that bitch and kick her ass! Oh, God.

There she is.

[ Water splashes ]

[ Click ]

[ Insects chirping ]

Stan, you said you'd call the repairman to fix this.

Sorry.

I guess I got a little busy Going to work.

Remember? The only thing I remember is that you never do what you promise.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! [ Crying ]

This was once a house of love! You know how you guys always say I don't have a thing? I've found my thing -- roller derby.

Stan: So much female power.

Chickscrushin' each other, takin' back the night.

That's why I'm trying out.

I've never been part of a team like that.

They are modern-day Amazons.

Hey, stop saying "Amazons" like you made it up.

I was the one in the bathroom when the guy explained it that way to his buddy.

Me, not you! Me! [ Gasps ]

Steve, you want to go grab a beer? I'll put on coffee, Klaus.

Stan, do something! I just walked in the door! Hmm.

"Fold here.

" Ooh! The dark arts! You're gonna try out for roller derby? [ Chuckles sarcastically ]

I'd love to see that.

You don't even have your own skates.

Well, you can come watch if you let me borrow a pair.

In-line, roller, or sequined roller? [ Chuckles ]

That's a trick question.

They're all sequined.

[ Claw machine whirring ]

[ Gasps ]

I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win! Wha? Oh, honey, you were so close to winning an iPod nano.

Go tell your caregiver you need more money.

Hayley: Roger! What? If I let her win, everybody will know there's no iPod nanos in those boxes, just dried dog doo-doos.

Well, they should be dry by now.

What are you doing here? Oh, I'm the day manager.

Bit of a rink rat.

Hey! Hey, Steve! Your crossover's looking great! Thanks, man! Kid's always here.

I imagine he has a pretty tough time at home.

Skates like he's trying to outrun something.

I gave you a $5.

And I gave you four quarters.

Aah! Hey, sis! Hope your friends don't just eat sh*t because I'm about to sh**t the duck! Aah! I promise I'll get better.

I'll practice night and day if you'll just let me be part of this.

Fine.

You're in.

I am?! Shakin' the bacon! But only if you can get your sister to play, too.

She's a natural jammer.

My sister? Crisscross applesauce! [ Sighs, panting ]

Whoa.

This is not fixing the sink, Stan.

You tore up the roof! I needed wood to fix the sink, I thought! I swear, if our whole house doesn't fall apart, i-it'll be a miracle! [ Sparkle! ]

Maybe I can help.

Who the hell are you? I'm a simple carpenter.

Perfect.

You're hired.

Start with the roof.

Ah, the roof.

The roof protects the souls beneath from life's buffeting storm.

Shh.

I'm seeing this when I want to see this.

[ Sparkle!, choir vocalizes ]

Oh.

My tools.

[ Choir vocalizes ]

Ugh.

Come on.

I can only join if you play.

They think I look like a girl? [ Chuckles ]

That's crazy.

I know.

It's hard to believe.

But you're an amazing skater, and you'd get to show that off.

Yeah And you'd get to hang out with all those girls.

Right, sure.

Hold their hands sometimes when they fling you forward into other girls.

Well, that is how the game works.

And sometimes there are these big pileups where you can't tell where one girl begins and another one ends.

And in the middle of that pileupwill be you.

You've given me a lot to consider.

I'll do it.

I'll pretend I'm a girl.

Also, it might not be a lie 'cause that split just destroyed my balls.

All right, ladies, I want a good, clean match tonight, straight derby -- no hair-pullin', no clam-diggin'.

Now, I got to go take care of that rat problem.

I-I can't believe I'm asking this, but are you taped down there? Yep.

The beast is in the cage.

Hey, Iris.

Listen, rookie, on game nights, we go by our nicknames.

I'm "Luck of the Iris.

" "Stevie Wonderbra.

" I-I like it 'cause it's about tits.

"@8?47qq#"? That's what we had left over.

Well, I'm gonna pretend you put thought into it.

Aww.

Hey, Wonderbra, a little help? I taped my leg, but it's still real tight.

Help me stretch it? Uh, o-okay.

Come on, girl, lean into it! Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's the sweet spot! [ Moaning ]

Do you have any more of that tape? I need to, umre-tape.

[ Punches landing ]

Now, qq#! [ Thud ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Victory party at my place! [ Cheering ]

[ Screams ]

[ Women giggling ]

Good game! Oh, oh! That's my tush! You're one of the best players I've ever seen! I'm Devin.

"Seven Minutes in Devin.

" [ Chuckles ]

Good luck lasting that long.

[ Laughs ]

You are adorbs.

[ Smacks ]

That's two on the same cheek, Dev! I'm gonna have to explain the hand mark to my mom at bath time.

Uhkiddin', yo! [ Chuckles nervously ]

I shower now, solo -- just me and the baby monitor.

[ Electronic music playing ]

Here, Stevie, try the chicken.

Val raised it, humanely slaughtered it, and paired it with an amazing spaetzle.

Spaetzle -- h*tler's favorite side dish.

That's a good fact.

I know a fact! This place is made from salvaged train cars.

God! Why did I say that? I'm blowing it.

What? You're blowing it? I keep bringing it back to h*tler.

You're amazing.

What are you doing? I'm crushing it.

For some reason, as Stevie, I can't make a wrong move.

I've never felt this comfortable talking to girls.

I mean, Devin is all over me.

Uh, are you a stupid? Excuse me? She's gonna find out you're a guy, and you're gonna get us kicked off the team.

This is the first group of women I've ever hung out with who are as open-minded as I am.

[ Sighs ]

Fine.

Devin's off limits.

You're damn right.

Tomorrow, all of us gals are gonna go pickling.

That means maximum bonding.

[ Bouncing Souls' "We Love Fun" playing ]

We love fun we're going out and having some we love fun you know we're gonna have a ton put on your fun suit [ Music stops ]

[ Music resumes ]

Page news [ Smacks ]

Put on your party pants the time has come for us to make a stance we love fun [ Music fades out ]

Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure.

What's up? Whoa! Right? It's everybody's name in Chinese characters.

The whole team? Yeah.

I'm super into this.

I haven't had this many female friends since that bunch of popular girls in high school tried to trick me into k*lling myself.

Well, I'm just so happy that you and your sister joined the team.

This is the longest relationship I've ever had.

Excuse me? Stevie and I -- things have been going pretty well.

[ Chuckles ]

We've already talked about opening a butcher shop in Park Slope.

What?! Well, there would also be sandwiches, fresh ciabatta.

Will you excuse me? What were you thinking?! Hayley, it's not what you think.

There'll also be sandwiches, fresh ciabatta.

Look, you can't do this to Devin.

You have to tell her the truth, or I will.

I'm not gonna say anything to her, and neither will you.

If I go down, you go down with me.

Then all that ink on your arm -- it'll just be a bunch of nonsense no one can read, unless you move to China, but who are we kidding? You're not moving to China.

You don't have the guts.

[ Birds chirping ]

I'm just saying, as long as we've got him here, have him put in a garden.

That which we plant together, we reap together.

[ Sparkle!, choir vocalizes ]

Never in all my years of hiring help has one tried to touch me.

Mister bird-poo roof-hands over here.

Forget my hands! Look, just look behind you.

Where are the carnations? Carnations are so I see zinnias.

I see jonquils.

Look, I'm gonna assume you don't get a ton of play with the ladies, but carnations are every woman's favorite flower.

I'm 1,000% sure carnations aren't anyone's favorite flower.

Francine: Tulips?! Where did you find this assh*le?! Get me carnations! Come on, honey.

Noooo!! I hate this garden!! [ Whoosh! ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Sparkle!, choir vocalizes ]

Carnations.

So ugly!! [ Energy humming ]

[ Pow! ]

Greg: Oh, God, save the nude photos of Merv Griffin! Okay, ladies, tomorrow's the championship, and together, we're gonna win the whole thing.

Now bring it in! Hayley, bring it in.

I can't bring it in, coach.

Whoa.

You got to bring it in.

Sorry, but it can't be brought, not when somebody on this team is lying because one of those hands is attached to a body that's attached to a penis! [ Girls gasp ]

Stevie is a Steve.

I-I can't believe this.

Whoa, ladies, I-I-I can explain.

Not you, her.

Me?! But he's a boy! We know.

You do? D-did you know? Of course I did.

You've had a boner for like two weeks.

But having a penis doesn't make him a boy.

It doesn't? Are you positive? Obviously, Stevie is a girl trapped in a boy's body.

Uh, I'm not sure it's -- it's obvious.

Sure.

You're a boy on the outside, but on the inside, you're all girl.

But th-th-that can't be.

I-I like girls.

We all like girls, Stevie.

So, I'm a lesbian inside a boy's body? That's crazy.

Did you like pickling with us? More than anything.

Did you have fun at the Doc Martens store? They had a cut-in-half shoe! Y-you could see its workings! And haven't you felt more confident around women than you ever have before and, like, comfortable in your own skin? Oh, my God.

I need time to process this.

Wow.

[ Sighs ]

I thought we were both gonna get kicked off the team.

Nope.

Just you.

What?! Why?! You just pulled someone's pants down to expose their genitals! We live in a post-genital society, Hayley! I agree! I mean, I-I've never heard that phrase, but I'm one of you! No, you're not.

[ Cries ]

I thought you guys were my friends! Get! Get! Get! I said get! [ Crying ]

I'm going, okay? Hyah! Steve wait up! Ohh! Ugh! Can we talk about what happened in there? Yes.

Please.

My head is spinning.

I know.

I'm -- I'm in shock.

Am I really closed-minded? What? Who cares?! I'm a girl in a boy's body! [ Slow-tempo music plays ]

I thought I was open-minded acceptance was my creed but now I finded I've been a fool, indeed I thought I was a boy I forgot that inside we're identical even if we have different genitals I thought I was open-minded acceptance was my creed but I've been blinded better watch my downhill speed I thought I was a boy I'm having a crisis 'bout what's between my thighses I have to understand me so I can know to sit or stand when I pee-e-e-e I'm Devin who am I between my legs? My sack's filled with sperm but is my heart filled with eggs? I never knew what I didn't know is that his bulge down there, or is it camel to-o-o-e? I thought I was a bo-o-o-o-o-o-y I thought I was open-minde-e-e-e-e-d and I'm Devi-i-i-i-n [ birds chirping ]

It's beautiful.

The whole house is beautiful.

Everything's perfect.

I love you, Stan.

I love you, too.

How did this happen? A little help from a friend.

I also mended your fence.

What?! What have you done?! It was broken.

Yeah.

Steve broke it with his face when he was three.

It was hilarious.

Seeing that broken board always brought joy to my heart.

You stole my husband's joy.

Hilarious? Steve was running from a rabid dog.

He called for you, but you were both hammered.

Oh, we got a real Steve historian over here.

How does he know that? He must be some kind of pervert.

You're fired, pervert! Forgive them.

They know not what they do.

Oh, we know what we're gonna do.

We're gonna crucify you on Angie's list.

[ Soft pop music playing ]

I can take it Steve.

Hayley, I -- Steve, I-I have to apologize.

After some soul-searching and a-a pretty painful fall down a handicap ramp, I realized that whoever you really are, I support you.

Is somebody sexually confused? I was above you.

I was above you the whole time.

Okay, Steve, if you're looking for gender clarification, there's a number of things we can try.

First we raise some cash to get that d*ck off you.

Whoa! Comin' in hot! Look, I'm just saying, let's raise the money so we have it.

Worst case -- we use it for a big Costco run.

Now, you want to know if you're a girl on the inside, so let's see how you feel being a girl on the outside.

What are you, a size 1? I hate you.

I-I'm not -- I'm not feeling it.

It's like the dress is wearing me.

Pair it with some kitten heels.

Well, I can't argue with the lines this creates.

It's d*ck-off time! What?! No! I-it's just a nice dress! Still confused, huh? [ Soft music playing ]

The bath is a woman's secret sanctuary, a time for her to have a conversation with herself.

Ahh, she time.

[ Gasping, spitting ]

You just left me down there! [ Coughs ]

Now it's your turn, Steve.

You're gonna lie back in the water, feel it wash over your body, and ask yourself, "Is this the skin I'm comfortable in?" Are -- are we, um gonna give him some privacy? I feel like I bought the ticket, I want to see the show.

I'm so nervous.

Don't know if we're gonna have a boy or a girl.

Either way, we're gonna love it.

Yeeeeah.

I know what I am! I'm a boy! Are you sure? Positive.

I was lying in the bath, thinking about stuff, and then I saw the sexy lady on this shampoo bottle, and I realized it felt right to have this penis.

It felt right five times.

You gonna break it to the team? Guess I have to.

It's gonna be tough right before the big game.

Better go take the edge off.

After you, milady.

[ Whoosh!, water splashes, whip cracks ]

[ Clears throat ]

Gals, I got to say, my time with you has been amazing.

But I can tell you I'm not a girl in a boy's body.

I'm a boy in a boy's body.

Soyou're not a lesbian? Don't judge him! You should be proud of him! It's not every day that someone realizes that they were the person they always were, and that takes courage.

And, you know, maybe you don't want him on your team, but I'll always want him on mine.

Shame! Shame on all ya houses! I was just gonna say that I'm happy for him.

Damn it.

You're so brave, Steve, and you, too, Hayley, for standing beside him through all of this.

Steve, remember -- with us, you never have to pretend you're someone you're not.

Now, strap on your skates and pretend to be a girl.

Really? What do you say, Stevie Wonderbra? Tape it down one last time? Can I get a little help? You're gonna get a lot of help.

[ Rock music plays ]

[ Zip! ]

Aaaaah!!