15x10 - Trophy Wife, Trophy Life

[bunniefuu]

Rog, I'm out.

I'll scoop you, and then
we're headed straight

to the Sharks Nest
for some laser hockey, baby.

Pew pew! My favorite sport!
Can't wait.

Check this.

We're sitting in the mayor's box.

d*ck's been moonlighting

as Mayor Garfield's
Chief of Security.

Yeah, d*ck, k*lling it!

You're coming as your
Pete Van Smash persona, right?

- You know it!
- Good.

All the guys from work think
Van Smash is a God.

He loves sports,
and he's always on the hunt

for new awesome p*rn.

Van Smash always brings the fire.

I'm going to slip into him right now.

[ Ring tone plays ]

Hell yeah.

What up, blowhole?

I hate to do this,
but I got to flake on you

- for that laser game.
- What?

Why didn't you just tell me
on the other line?

Van Smash doesn't make other
people take out his trash, bruh.

I got to go. I'm about
to get in an accident.

[ Engine revs ]

[ Glass shatters ]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Announcer: That's a laser goal!

Three points!

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!

How sweet is this box?

Stan, where's Van Smash?

- He totally flaked.
- Oh, man.

I bet he had something cool to do.

He's probably being
so funny right now.

That's too bad.
I wanted everyone here

so I could share some good news.

With the extra money I'm making
working for the mayor,

I finally bought that boat
I've been lusting after.

The one that's been rusting
in the Walmart parking lot

for the last three years?

Yep! But that's not the good news.

If I had not moved
out of my apartment

and on to that boat,
then I wouldn't have met

the love of my life.

Meet Becky Tenderhearts.

Goddamnit.

I got to ask, how do you guys
concentrate at work

with this tub of hot
roast beef slopping around?

Francine, I came across
a pretty troubling photo

from your bender last night.

Francine: Oh, God!

I made out with Tuttle?

- Ew! Mom!
- Get it, Mrs. S!

I wonder if I took a bite
or ate the whole thing.

I better pop a Plan B.

Got you! It's Photoshop, baby!

All: Ah!

[ Applause ]
Too kind, too kind.

Little light on
the cheering there, Klaus.

Now, to more important matters.

What the hell, Roger?!

You have to break up with d*ck!

I command it!

First, I'm not dating d*ck.

My persona, Becky Tenderhearts, is.

Second, I'm not dumping him.

Becky is in love!

All: Aw! Yes.

[ Applause ]

That is so sweet!

It isn't sweet, Hayley.
It's annoying.

Roger ditched me,
so there I was looking like

an ass kneeling during
the national anthem all alone!

Relax. Every once and a while,

my characters schedules
conflict, but don't worry.

I don't see any other conflicts
on the horizon.

Good because you and I have a big

Wheels and the Legman case to cr*ck.

The Legman is ready,
and, Frannie, Hayley,

I'll be there as Jeannie Gold
to help you plan

Nerfer's bachelorette party.

I can't believe Nerfer
is settling down.

She has such big tits!

And Raider Dave and I
are watching the game tomorrow.

See, Stan? Plenty of Roger
to go around.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
Becky has some planning to do.

She's moving on to d*ck's boat!

Roger, that's a big step!

Stop. It's just easier, Steve.

Sure, Roger. That's the reason.

Shut up, Steve!

Oh, no, bro.

That's my buddy
Raider Dave's lucky seat.

We're bonded in blood
as citizens of Raider Nation,

and he's going to be here any second!

- Awesome.
- Oh!

Damn it, Roger.

Where are you?

Jalapeño popper on the floor.
Don't do it, Klaus.

Oh, sick!

I caught this right before
it hit the ground!

The Raider game is about to
start if anyone's interested!

Who cares about football when
we've got this beautiful sunset

over the marina.

[ Sniffs ]
And that glorious smell?

What is that smell, d*ck?

Dead seagull.

Thank you for this life.

[ Both moaning ]

Mom, Nerfer's bachelorette
must be pirate themed!

Nerfer loves pirates!

That's why I've been saying
we should go steampunk.

It includes pirates
but has some gadgets.

If Roger were here, Jeannie Gold
would tell you to listen

to what the bride wants,

and Nerfer doesn't want
future pirates!

Jeannie Gold would
help me kick your ass

because she knows
that steampunk isn't future!

It's an alternate timeline
where technology

developed differently,
you piece of sh*t!

- Aah!
- Aah!

[ Country music playing ]

I love dancing barefoot here.

I can feel the peanut shells
crunch beneath my toes.

Hey! That guy pinched my ass.

He's going to eat some d*ck fist.

Ugh!

[ Grunting, screaming ]

Stop it! d*ck, stop it.

That guy didn't really pinch my ass.

[ Glass shatters ] d*ck, this guy

just threw a glass at you.

Hey, Jeff.
You here to ride Clip Clop?

Every Tuesday at midnight.

Clippy Cloppy, I've got
a dirty carrot for...

[ Gasps ] Oh, no.

Clip Clop's gone!

As soon as I bang my gavel,
you will be sentenced to death

unless, of course,
something crazy happens

in the next five seconds.
Five, four...

[ Door opens ] Steve: Wait!

[ Crowd gasping ]

This man is innocent!

Who are you?

We're Wheels and...

Legman?

He's supposed to be here
with the evidence.

Oh, well.

, volts for
Mr. No-Bicycle-Helmet here.

♪♪

Do you think this is
what Heaven's like?

No. Heaven's got way more birds.

The Smiths! As I live and breathe.

What has it been,

- years?
- Try a decade.

We're having one of our famous
all-family meetings.

Say no more.

I'll bring you each
a glass of marinara.

I call this family meeting to order.

Roger's relationship
with d*ck has consumed him.

He's flaking on all of us!

He's losing himself in d*ck.

We need to break them up.

But Roger will never
break up with d*ck.

We need d*ck to break up
with him, but how?

What if we bribe d*ck with,
I don't know, Kit Kats?

Klaus, I'm curious.

Why not money?

I'm curious, too, Steve.

If I know one thing about d*ck,

it's that he hates
getting cheated on.

Is there anything there?
Wait a second.

Klaus recently became
amazing at Photoshop.

He could make it look like
Becky has been cheating on d*ck.

Is this true, Klaus?

Is it true that you've recently

become amazing at Photoshop?

Let me put it this way.

I've recently become
amazing at Photoshop.

Perfect.

On to our next order of business.

Steven Smith is motioning
that his new nickname

is Bayou Billy With The Heavy Balls.

All those in favor?

All: Aye.

Congratulations, Bayou Billy
With the Heavy Balls.

On my way to work,

I bought a bunch
of new ropes for my boat.

I'm talking really good ropes.

Damn, d*ck.
These sound like great ropes.

Please tell me you got pics.

Better than pics, I have the ropes.

They're here?

d*ck, I've been really happy for you

over the last couple weeks,

over the Moon honestly,
but you're my best friend.

- I am?
- For this situation, yes,

and I can't lie to my best friend.

I was on the Googz doing some
"I Feel Lucky" searches,

and I stumbled across
a pretty disturbing image.

I don't know.

It's Becky, but this looks old.

I'm not naive enough to think
she never dated before me.

Wait. Look at the guy
holding the newspaper.

"Two Days Ago"?!

How could she?!

d*ck dumped me.

He stomped on my heart

and wouldn't even tell me why.

Do you think it was because I had to

stop sex once because I had
a hair in my throat,

and when I finally got it out,

it was a whole eagle feather?

[ Sobs ]

Well, we did an underhanded thing,

but I'd say it's
pretty clear that life

is going to go back to normal.

I will never, ever get over this!

Oh, hey, Francine.

I just wanted to make sure
you were doing okay

after Becky's big breakup.

Oh, wasn't that so fun?
She was devastated.

What a great ending to her story.

Whenever a character's
story arc is over,

I vacuum seal their costume

and store it in my character closet.

One thing they don't
tell you about these

vacuum pouches is
you can save a ton of money

by not buying the pump.

[ Inhales ]

One thing they don't
tell you about these

vacuum pouches is you can
save a ton of money

by not buying the pump.

[ Inhales ]

Well, I'm glad to see
you're back to your old self.

How can Mr. Taffarelli
not be an all-timer?

He was so shy.

Good to have you back, Legman.

So I ran that hair we found
at the scene of the crime.

You know how we thought
no man could kick that hard?

We were right.

It was a kangaroo.

You're a hell of a private...

[ Sobbing ] d*ck.

Jeannie, I'm glad you're here
because last night,

it hit me... the perfect thing

for Nerfer's bachelorette party...

strippers!

Ooh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Are we talking full frontal?

Because I want to see some...

[ Sobbing ] d*ck.

We have fun. Don't we, Clippy?

[ Grunting ]

Chargers are stupid.

Raider Dave, get in here!

I'm not in the right head space.

Just punch him in the balls for me.

It's the area right under his...

[ Sobs ]

What are we doing at BDB's?

We only come here
when there's a problem,

and everything's fine.

Roger, we need to talk.

We think Becky's breakup
with d*ck is affecting you.

Why would you think that?

Because all of your
characters are sad.

During our meeting, Jeannie Gold
recommended a stripper

who only dances to
Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car."

Jeff said Clip Clop cried.

Now he thinks horses
have human feelings

and should be allowed to vote.

[ Sniffles ] Becky was my most
vulnerable persona.

Her pain must be
affecting my other characters.

Oh, we would like to
offer you our authentic

Taste of Tuscany appetizer.

Taste of Tuscany? Wait a second.

Last year, my book club
tried to force me to read

"Under the Tuscan Sun."

Luckily, I found out
it was a movie just in time.

But it taught me a valuable lesson.

If you're down, go to Tuscany,

and you'll be magically fixed.

Do you think Tuscany's
magic can fix Becky?

- I do.
- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

[ Italian music playing ]

That house.

Stop the bus.

Stop the bus!

Sad lady, I will teach you Italiana.

Only then will you be able
to stop the bus.

♪♪

[ Bird squawking ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Tires squeal ]

Good thing you learned Italian.

♪♪

Francine, wake up. Wake up!

Last night, the most
wondrous thing happened.

I couldn't sleep,
so I went into town,

and you remember
that hunky single guy

who owns the Italian
soda shop, Marioigi?

No.

We've only been here for hours.

We fell in love!

And we screwed!

Bella, I love you!

I must go now.

[ Moaning ]

But then I realized
I'm a strong, independent woman.

I don't need to be defined
by a single man.

- Ciao, bella.
- Mi amore.

- Principessa!
- Mangia, mangia.

- Mi amore!
- Tutta bella!

- Principessa!
- Cara mia!

- Ciao, bella!
- Mangia, mangia,

che ti fa bene!
Mwah.

Did you sleep with all these...

[ Horn beeps ]

- Aye!
- Oh!

[ Horn beeping ]

[ All shouting in Italian ]

You were right to bring me here.

In Tuscany, I found the one thing

I was looking for... me.

I'm all better now.
Let's cream out of here.

[ Lasers f*ring ]

Van Smash, how's it hanging?!

To the left down my pants
and up the other leg.

Ha! If you speak true,

then you must have
the lengthiest of johnsons.

Good to have you back, Van Smash.

I'm glad you're here

because we've got
another special guest,

my new girl, Linda Vulnerabella.

Black bra, see-through
shirt, pure class.

Chic, chic, chic.

Like I always say,
nobody who lives on a boat

can stay dry for long,

and I mean that in two ways.
[ Grunts ]

How'd you two meet?

We met [laughs] at
the marina bait shop,

and he took me to this bar called...

Barnacles?! That was our bar!

I've never been to Barnacles
with you, Van Smash.

Yeah, Van Smash,

what are you talking
about, Van Smash?

Oh, yeah. I'm Van Smash.

Um, Linda, what's your deal?

You like p*rn? You like Deadpool?

You like something else?
Like all women,

I enjoy the wit and wisdom
of Chester Cheetah.

Isn't she great?
Mwah.

Did our time together
mean nothing? [ Grunts ]

d*ck is always getting it in. Ah!

I didn't realize you were
such a womanizer!

Ah! Womanizer? I hardly know her.

Ah! You're a snake, d*ck.

Ah! I'll show you a snake, my snake.

Van Smash is hilarious.

I had no idea he had
a personality disorder.

So funny!

Sorry I had to whack you, little guy,

but hopefully you got some closure.

Tomorrow, I'll take you
to the laundromat

and let you ride around in the dryer.

That always cheers you up.

Will you put a red sock
in there with me?

Maybe I'll come out a little pink.

No problem, buddy,

but you're not going to turn pink.

But maybe there's a tiny chance.

Maybe. Get some sleep.

[ Smooches ]

[ Door closes ]

Psych!

I ain't going to sleep...

until d*ck pays for what he did.

Sheesh, hope this hit man's
better at sh**ting people

than he is at being on time.

Oh, there you are.

Here it is.

I want him dead.

Consider it done.

Back of the line, buddy.

I just need to check on him.

He kind of freaked out when he saw

d*ck with a new girl last night.

I don't think he's awake.

I've been waiting an hour
to update the Legman

on the case of the unsolved mystery.

Together: We're meeting Jeannie Gold

to sample pirate cakes.

Something's wrong.

I'm going in. Follow me if you dare.

You came.
You're braver than I thought.

Smith, thank God you're home.

Last night, the world's
most dangerous assassin

landed in Langley.

He tried to go unnoticed,
but he can't get by our boys.

Our best guess is that he's been
contracted to k*ll

Mayor Garfield at his first annual

Mayor's Appreciation Parade.

Want to know how we guessed it?

More photos!

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

I'll head there right away, sir.

No need.

The mayor is safe because
d*ck is his head of security.

I was just passing by
on the way to steal lemons

from the tops
of all the farmer's trees.

Okay, Miranda!
It's lemon-snatching time!

I don't think Roger is planning
on k*lling the mayor.

He's planning on k*lling d*ck.

Yeah, that was pretty obvious.

That's what I would do.

Well, maybe you will be
surprised to learn

that it's up to us to stop him.

Again, totally expected.

Klaus already went downstairs
to warm up the car.

[ Cheering ]

Everyone I ever loved is dead!

♪♪

[ Tires squeal ]

How the hell are we
going to find Roger?

I have an idea.

[ French accent ]
What the hell did I do?

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Line ringing ]

Hello, Mr. CIA. That's right.

I know who you are,
but you'll never find me.

Yes, I will.

You shared your phone's
location services with me

that time you went
roller blading on mushrooms.

Damn it!

Fly.

Lead them to Atlanta.

They'll totally believe
I'm in Atlanta.

I've been dying to go.

[ Door opens ]

I'm in Atlanta.

Roger, stop.

Sorry, Mr. CIA.

I was hired to finish job,
and I always finish job.

You don't have to do this.

We tricked d*ck into dumping you.

What? How?

Klaus Photoshopped a photo

of you cheating on him.

We were annoyed at you
for ditching us

just so Becky could be with d*ck.

So we did something stupid,
but d*ck didn't do anything.

k*ll me instead!

No, no. Stop that.

Knowing all this,
it would seem silly to...

Do it, Rogertilda!

You dumbasses forgot one thing.

Always check for a cage in the air.

Welcome to Atlanta.

d*ck!

You look trim.

My secret, no bulletproof vest.

Wait! I changed my mind.

I don't want you to k*ll him.

You can't change your mind.

I have a strict
"no-mind-changing" policy.

But I love him!

And I love my job.

Stop!

You shouldn't have done that.

You don't have to k*ll d*ck.

Yes, I do.

Every persona has a story to tell.

But I don't want my story
to end like this.

Raider Dave!

My story ends when I finish my job.

[ Grunting ]

Please!

This ends now.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

[ Crowd gasping ]

Becky!

Becky, don't die.

I love you.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, d*ck.

This is how our story ends.

We'll always have Barnacles.

No!

No!

Stay with me, Becky!

Just promise me one thing, d*ck.

Promise me you'll mourn me forever

and never love anyone else.

Uh, okay.

And get a face tattoo of my face.

That way, everyone
will know you're taken.

Shh.

That's not a yes.

I'm not dying until I hear a...

[ Groans ]

[ Sobs ]

Is anyone else thinking this
was Roger's plan all along?

Like, d*ck was never in danger?

Yeah. Roger is weird.

What's shaking, blowholes?

You guys want to go to
my friend Brandon's funeral?

Dude bit it in an ATV accident.

They're getting a taco truck.

There's going to be
tons of chicks there.

I'm down if Bayou Billy
With The Heavy Balls is.

Oh, yeah!

Bye. Have a beautiful time!