03x07 - Grandpa's Birthday/Road Trip

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

♪ Oh, bury me not

On the lone prairie ♪

Pookie, must you sing
at this hour?

That's Calamity Pookie
to you, Slim.

Grab a plate and get in line.

(MURMURING)

Good morning, Grandpa.

What's so good about it?

Here you go, Gramps.

Oh you got it all folded open,
I hate that and stop
calling me Gramps.

I'm not your Gramps,
you tiny little shrimp.

Touchy, touchy.

Eat up, Slim.

We got fifteen miles
of cow trail before we stop
for water.

Ah, I got no appetite, Pookie.

I'll take them, Grandpa.

Get your paws off my plate,
I said, I got no appetite,

not help yourself
to my flapjacks, you weasel.

Boy, the old man sure
is cranky today.

The old man can be cranky
if he wants to.
Mind your own business.

Who asked you, Hyunh?
Look, if the old man...

Aah, quiet,
stop calling me old man.

I'm not your old man.

If anybody needs me
I'll be in my office,

looking through my
old photo albums,

remembering times long past
and getting depressed.

Don't touch them pancakes.

What's wrong with grandpa?

It's almost
his birthday, Arnold.

I don't remember him
acting like this
on his birthday last year.

Yes, but this is
the big year for Phil.

He'll be 81, you know.

Grandpa?
The door is open.

Grandpa, what's the big deal
about turning 81?

It's the family curse, Arnold.

Family curse?

No one in my line's
ever lived past 81,
Arnold, no one.

Saturday's my birthday
and then I buy the farm.

We're buying a farm?

No, it's an expression,
you know, close up shop,
take a dirt nap,

wake up to the big sleep,
it's curtains for me boy,

it's all over but the crying.

I'm talking about larger
forces here.

Things beyond our control.
I'm talking about the majestic
clock works of the universe.

Grandpa, you're just
as healthy as you've
always been.

It's my destiny
calling, Arnold,
I just got to accept it.

Look, the only way to prove
you wrong is to go to
the doctor for a check up.

A check up? Oh, no.

I haven't been inside
a doctor's office in 25 years,

and I don't intend to go now,
let me tell you.

Aah.
Good, good.

Now, cough.

You're a pest.

Why'd I ever agree
to go through with it?

Cause it's the only way
to prove you're
healthy, Grandpa.

How many times do I have
to tell you, I'm not healthy,

I'm hanging on by a thread.

I'm knock, knock, knocking
on heaven's door.

I'm gonna croak on my
eighty first birthday,
this Saturday.

What do you think,
Dr. Steiglitz?

In my 81 years of practice,

I have never seen
a healthier man his age.

What are you two
whispering about?

I'm old enough to handle
the bad news.

Go ahead and spill it.

You're as strong
as an ox, Phil.

You could live to be a 150
at the rate you're going.

Don't sugar-coat it, Doc.

I'm finished, aren't I?

That's not what I said at all.

Yep, might as well put
on my funeral suite.

Take to my rocking chair
and wait for the Grim Reaper.

But, Grandpa...

But nothing.

Well, now that I'm a goner,
it's time to give away
all my earthly goods.

And as my only
begotten grandson,

I want you to have my
most prized possession,

the Packard.

But Grandpa, what will I do
with a car?

Why don't you leave it
to grandma?

Are you crazy, boy?

Would you trust your grandma
behind a wheel of a car?

♪ Oh he d*ed in the saddle,

♪ He went and bought the farm

♪ And then we tanned
his old hide

♪ And nailed it to the barn ♪

So I'm leaving you
the Packard, okay?

Howdy, Slim.

'Bout time for the last round.

That's right, Pookie.

In fact, Arnold and I,
we just now going over my last
will and testament.

Besides the boarding house,

is there anything
in particular you want me
to leave you?

Shucks, Slim.

I just need the lonesome
trail ahead of me.

The prairie wind at my back
and the mournful wail

of the coyotes
on a moon lit night.

But I'll miss you, Slim.

♪ Oh, bury me not
on the lone prairie ♪

Now I have to decide,
which of the

borders gets my matching
set of croquet mallets.

I'll take them, Grandpa.

Over my dead body, Kokoshka.

You're not getting
a single one, now b*at it!

Now, where were we, Arnold?

I'm old and feeble
and can't remember
what I was talking about.

You were kinda
summing up your life...

Oh, yes, the family curse.

Well, Shortman, it's been
a long, rich and happy life,

but now it's nearly time
to join the choir invisible.

Yes, I've had many
wonderful experiences.

I watched our home team win
the pennant.

I've sat through double
features at the Kiska.

I've tasted corn dogs down
at the rivers docks.

Now in the twilight
of my final days,

there's nothing left to do
but sit here in my rocker

and wait for the end.

(SIGHS)

GERALD: Family curse, huh?

It just doesn't
make any sense, Arnold.

I mean, I always thought your
grandpa was in great shape.

He bench-pressed 210 pounds.

Pretty good for an old guy.

This whole family curse thing
is crazy.

You know, Gerald, deep down,

I don't think grandpa
really believes in it.

Maybe, I mean, just maybe not.
He could be doing this
to get your attention.

Hey, maybe if I can take him
out for the day.

Get him away from
the boarding house.

He'll forget all about
this curse.

Take him to a ball game.

Or go ice-skating.

Or go to the movie.

I think this just might work.

See you, Gerald.

Oskar, Ernie, Mr. Hyunh
and all my friends,

it's Friday, my last day
on Earth.

The reason I asked you
all here is, well,

I thought long and hard
about it and I've decided

that I'm leaving each
and everyone of you...

absolutely nothing!

Now, scram all of you.

Vamoose!
(ALL MUTTERING)

Hey, Grandpa, how you doing?

Oh I'm tired and my bones ache

and it's getting
all dark, Shortman.

Come on, Grandpa,
even if you believe
in the family curse,

even if you really think
your life is gonna end...

Yep, midnight, tonight.

Well don't you think you
should spend your last day,
having fun?

Oh but, Arnold, I'm old and...

We could do all
the things you love.

Go to a ball game,
go ice-skating.

Please, Grandpa,
one last time, for me.

(SIGHS) Alright if it'll
make you happy.

(HAPPY SONG PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Well, Arnold, I haven't
enjoyed a corn dog
this much since I was a lad.

I know, these are great,
aren't they?

And how about
that sunset, Grandpa?

It's been the nicest afternoon
I've had in ages.

Thanks a lot, Shortman.

We could do this kinda thing
every day, from now on.

Don't you think, Grandpa?

Oh, yeah, sure we could.

Oh, except for one thing,
I'm croaking at the stroke
of midnight!

Kinda puts a damper
on your little plan
doesn't it, Shortman?

Well, I gotta get back to
the boarding house, so
I can say goodbye to Pookie.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh, Gramps.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

He was so good. (SOBS)

Well, the end draws
near Shortman.

Grandpa!

Now, now, Arnold,
we've all got to face
the music sometime.

Unfortunately, I have
to face this music.

So, sit here by me
and keep me company
in my final minutes of life.

Did grandpa buy the farm yet?

Not yet, but if he kicks
the bucket in the next
two minutes I win the pool.

This is ridiculous,
there is no family curse.

(CLOCK BELL RINGING)

I'm sorry Arnold,
but it's time for me to go.

(GRUNTS)

Is the old man...

Yes, he finished.

Hurray, I win
the pool, ha-ha-ha.

Well, that's it,
I must be in heaven.

Wait a minute.

Oh no, Oskar's here!
This must be the other place.

No, Grandpa,
it's the boarding house,
you're still here with us.

Oh, yes, but it's still
my time to go,

just like my grandfather
before me.

Born in 1830, d*ed in 1921

and his father, born in 1800,
d*ed in 1891.

Grandpa, that means,
they're both 91
when they d*ed.

(MUTTERS)

Oh, I'm an idiot.
That's right!

The family curse
is 91! Not 81.

That means I have 10 more
years before I'm worm chow!

I'm not going to die!

At least not now.

♪ Three Cheers for the red,
white and blue ♪

(HUMMING TUNE)

Oh great, now I lose
the pool.

You see, you see,
I all dress up
and nothing.

This calls for
a celebration, Shortman.

Let's go out for ice cream!

I'm not sure that's such
a good idea Grandpa.

I mean, you're 81 years old.

What are you talking about?
You heard the doctor, Arnold,
I'm quite a specimen.

I'm strong as an ox.

Now, let's go out and get
some ice cream.

GRANDPA: I wonder if we
can get a corn dog
at this hour.

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Helga, aren't you gonna make
a Mother's Day card?

I already made it.

It's rather plain, isn't it?

(CHUCKLES) In case you
haven't noticed, Phoebe,

Miriam isn't exactly
World's Greatest Mom material.

Well, I understand...

What kind of a mother packs
your lunch with plastic
silverware,

moist towelettes
and no sandwich,

or takes impromptu naps behind
the sofa while I'm starving
to death,

or constantly forgets
to pick me up
from soccer practice.

Well, no one's perfect.

Yeah, especially Miriam.

I mean, sure I'd like to have
a mom that did great things
all the time

or even just did the things
she said she was gonna do.

I'd love to have a mom
that wasn't always messing up
and making mistakes.

But I don't, I've got Miriam.

So I guess that means
you're not doing anything
special this weekend.

Well, not like it's
any business of yours Arnoldo.

But me, Mom and Dad
are supposed to go visit
my grandma in South Dakota.

Sounds like fun.

I'd rather have a root canal.

You should give your mom
a chance, Helga.

Have a little faith
in people.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Big Bob here. Uh-huh, yeah.

Oh, heck yeah, I can make it.

Wake up.

Have a little change of plans.

There's a big client down
in Dallas who wants

to buy a whole mess
of Beepers.

But...
I'm on my way to the airport.

Then that means...
That's right Miriam.

Just you and Helga driving
to South Dakota.

You're kidding right?

It's okay, Helga,
it'll be fun.

We never get to spend
enough time together.

What do you say?

(HONKING)

You are joking,
right Dad?

Miriam and me alone
on a road?

Please tell me
you're joking, please.

How are things going
at school, Helga?

Good.
Good.

How are things...
around the house?

Oh, terrific!

Yeah, how's
your little friend, um...

uh, Phoebe? She's still
your best friend?

Yep, still my best friend.

Well, now that
we're all caught up,

mind if I turn on the radio?

Okay, sure, yeah.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHOUTING) Do you mind if we
listen to some other music?

What?

I said, do you mind if we
listen to some other...

music?

(SIGHS) Fine.

Oh, I haven't heard
this song in years.

A stroll down
memory lane, huh?

Yes, oh, it sure is.

And then when I was 15, oh,
it was the summer of love.

Mom, I'm really hungry.

Oh look, The Wheeler Inn and
Herb's Big Guy Restaurant

with a karaoke lounge! (GASPS)

Karaoke? Uh, no, no,
mom please no,
I really don't think...

(HORNS BLARING)

♪ We got tomorrow

♪ Who needs yesterday?

♪ 'Cause, oh, tomorrow's
always just a day away! ♪

Yes, yes, hi, Helga, hi honey.

Please just take me now.

(SINGING STOPS)

(MURMURING)

(SNORING)

(CRASHING)

Oh, I slept so good,
I feel so rested.

Don't you, Helga?

Here, hold this.

Miriam!

Oh, I'm sorry
sweetheart, here.

That'll come out.

Mom, quit it.
Just leave me alone.

Don't worry, Helga.

It's a brand-new,
bright sunny day.

It's gonna be fine.

(GROANS)

You have
to think positive, honey.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Oh, Helga, how
about playing a game?

What kind of a game?

Oh, I know,
the license plate game,

or, or you pick a color,
like blue and I pick red

and then we see how many cars
of those colors drive by.

Oh, you used to love that game
when you were a little girl.

This just in, Mom.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

You're still
my little girl, Helga.

Oh, criminy.

So, do you want to play one
of those games?

No, Mom, I really don't.

MIRIAM: Do you remember
what road we're supposed
to take next?

How on earth should I know?

You're the adult in this car.

I wrote the directions
on the back of the envelope.

HELGA: Watch the road!

Oh, oopsie.

Great, Mom,
you've lost the directions.

Oh, well, that's okay,
you know, cause I have a map.

Mom, this is a map
of Wanky Land.

Great. We're totally lost on
the road to nowhere with
a map of Wanky Land.

Have a little faith
in me, Helga.

Truck!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(CRASHES)

(COW MOOING)

(SCREAMS)

Oh look, Helga, a cow.

MIRIAM: Well, now
that's funny.

I remember taking it with me
when we left The Wheeler Inn.

Mom, please tell me you didn't
leave your purse on top
of the car again.

Dear Helga, I think that
is exactly what happened.

Um hmm, so you doesn't have
any money hmm?

I've got $5.37.

Well, this here fix-it job
is gonna set you back
$497.98, um hmm.

You could determine that
just from...
Um hmm.

Helga, where are you going?

Don't worry Helga everything's
going to be fine.

Well, you've done a great job
so far Miriam.

You lost the map,
you ran us off the road,

you left your purse on top
of the car again,

and we're stuck in the middle
of nowhere.

I'm nine years old, Mom.

You're the parent,
you're supposed
to take care of me,

but you couldn't even do that.

Face it, Miriam,
you're a lousy mom.

Look, I'm starving, I'm gonna
go get myself a cheese burger.

Mechanical bull riding
contest, Saturday night.

(GASPS)

I'll take cheese burger,
large fries and
a strawberry shake.

Helga, look.

You, a mechanical
bull contest?

It's only five dollars
to enter and if I win
the contest,

we'll get enough money
to get the car fixed.

I'm getting a cheese burger.

Helga, I need your
five dollars for
the entrance fee.

Have a little faith in me,
I, I could win.

Fine, Miriam, you want to blow
our last five bucks,

so you can enter
a mechanical bull contest?
Go ahead.

You've messed everything
else up, we might as well make
it a perfect trip.

Sign me up, please.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Mom's gonna ride that thing?
She'll k*ll herself.

You think you're gonna win
that 500 bucks little lady?

Well, I'm gonna try.

I guess you don't know
I've won that contest
five years runnin'.

What do you say to that?

Ohh!
Mom!

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Now, get this contest rollin'.

Rules are simple,
I keep the time,

whoever lasts the longest
without getting throwed,
wins the cash.

Bill, you're up first.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Three seconds.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(CLATTERING)

Alright, Slim, you're up.
(LAUGHS)

Let her go.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Four minutes
and fifteen seconds.

That's the best time so far.

Alright, Miriam, you're up.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I can't even watch this.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

I reckon she's
not too bad. Um hmm.

Still on anyways.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

WOMAN: Come on, you can do
better than that.

(MIRIAM SCREAMS)
Mom!

Mom, are you okay?

That's invigorating.

The new bull riding champion
and winner of 500 smackers,

cow girl, Miriam.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

HELGA: But, Mom,
that was incredible.

I still can't believe
you won.

Well, Helga, I was state
bull riding champion,

when I was a girl.

You never told me that.

There's lots of things
I never told you about myself.

What else did you do
when you were a girl?

I mean, there's so much stuff
I don't know about you, Mom.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well,
I guess, it all started
when I was nine,

I wanted to ride horses
and my father didn't think
I could do it.

You know, he said I'd get hurt
and I said, "Daddy..."

HELGA: Truck!
MIRIAM: Oh, don't worry,
I see it.

HELGA: Oh, Mom.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)