03x04 - My Funny Valentines/The Ratings Game

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

Waah!

Ah!

[burps]

Excellent use of glitter, Gretchen.

Nice frills, Gordy.

Wonderful pink and hues
combination, Ashley.

[gasps] T.J.!

Your valentine's day bag...
it's absolutely grotesque.

Well, thank you, Miss Grotke.

Are you sure you don't want to make

a more romantic bag?
I mean, Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

And others may not want
to drop their cards

Into such a scary sack.

It's OK, Miss Grotke.

I don't really want any valentines,

And I'm not giving any, either.

[children murmuring]

Center, class. Center.

T.J., are you sure?

I'm positive, Miss Grotke.

I'm not giving valentines on account

of how I think this whole
day is, well, goofy.

[children murmuring]

But, T.J., won't you feel bad

if everyone gives you a valentine

and you don't give any to anyone?

Um... nope.

[children murmuring]

[bell rings]

Man, that took guts, Teej, real guts.

It was nothing, guys.

I have the courage
of my convictions, its all.

Well, I think you're positively mad.

Valentine's day
is the most beautiful day of the year,

touching the souls of young and old alike.

It's the tradition that appeals to me.

And once in a while, there's candy.

He's got a point, Teej.

Yeah, yeah, they got candy
at Kelso's, too,

and you don't have to give
Mr. Kelso a valentine

to get some.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go.

Hey... valentines.

[Vince] Whoa. They got sports valentines.

And space valentines.

And look at this... Peewee McChimp says,

"Be mine, you big banana."

What a selection.

Can you believe these guys?

Pathetic, getting all excited

over a bunch
of dumb valentine's day cards.

Hey, Spinelli, they got wrestling cards.

What? Let me see those.

"You've got a headlock on my heart."

These are sweet.

[sighs]

Say, hey, T.J., what will you have?

Strawberry frap, Mr. K., extra syrup.

Extra syrup? Something eating you, boy?

Nah, it's just everybody's going ga-ga

over those cheesy little
valentines you're selling.

No offense.

Back in my day, we didn't buy valentines.

-You didn't?
-No, we made them ourselves by hand.

When you gave one of those puppies,
you made your point, that's for sure.

Made them by hand, eh? You know, Mr. K.,

You just gave me a great idea.

I'm going to make my point loud and clear.

[T.J.] Roses are red, violets are blue,

your hair is smooth and silky

like a bowl of cheese fondue. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, that was a good one. Man, I k*ll me.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Maybe later.

[laughing]

Normally I don't open up
a classroom early, T.J.,

but since it's for a good cause...

It's for a good cause, all right,

A real good cause.

Well, you did it, Teej.

You boycotted valentine's day.

-Did I, Vince?
-What are you talking about?

As we speak, every girl
in the fourth grade

is opening a handmade valentine
from yours truly.

T.J., you old softy.

Not quite, Vince, my friend.

You see, I used my cards
to have a little holiday fun.

"Won't you be mine? A land mine, that is."

Teej, you wrote joke cards. Cool.

When the girls read them,
they'll see how dumb

this whole valentine's day
thing really is.

Hi, T.J., thanks for the card.
It was really sweet of you.

Oh, you're very... did you say sweet?

Of course. After what you said yesterday,

no one thought they'd get a card from you,

but I guess you made
a special exception for me.

Oh, T.J., I'm so flattered.

Fla... fla... fla...

Good morning, T.J. I got your card.

Hey. Swell. No hard feelings, huh?

Hard feelings? As if.
But I do have one question.

When are you going to compare me

to that summer's day?

Um, next week?

Till then, T.J.

Vince, I think I'm in trouble.

You better come up with one
of your famous plans.

This was one of my famous plans.

Stupid. Stupidly stupid.
Majorly stupidly stupid.

Hmm, what's this? Handmade? Glitter?

Like, interesting.

"Your voice bangs into my ears

like a big honking goose

that's singing its springtime guts out.

Sincerely, your, like, pal, T.J."

[sighs]

Like, hi, and stuff.

Are these, like, the worst valentines
of all time or what?

You are so right, Ashleys.

By the way, I've been thinking.

Maybe we've been too harsh

on that T.J. Detweiler boy.

That's, like, totally weird

'cause I've been thinking the same thing.

You guys are, like, mind readers.

Maybe we should put his picture

on our cork board of acceptable boys.

Does anyone, like, have his picture?

-Either of you dorks seen Detweiler?
-Nope.

Well, if you do, tell him

I need to talk to him
about a certain valentine.

He's such a dear.

Thanks, guys. I owe you.

Yeah, just get out of our hole
before second recess.

This is bad, Vince, real bad.

Every girl thinks
I didn't give a valentine

to any girl but her,

and since I went and made
special handmade valentines,

they each think I did it just for them.

And now if they figure out
I gave the same valentine

to every other girl on the playground,

they'll... oh, man, I'm doomed.

Not necessarily, Teej. I got a plan.

All you got to do is go up
to every girl on the playground

and say, "glad you liked the card,

but let's keep this
between you and me, OK?"

And then wink to seal the deal.

Wink to seal the deal?

Wink. Right.
How do you know all this stuff?

My folks have got cable. Come on.

[Ashley] It's dreamy!

It's boy-tastic!

It's T.J. Detweiler.

[all sigh]

Oh, Ashleys, I'm so relieved

you all find T.J. acceptable.

Because, remember the stink he made
about giving valentines?

You're not going to believe this,

but he made me the most
adorable handmade card.

He used stickers, markers, and...

Ready for this?... Glitter.

But he made a glitter card for me.

And me. Mine's better.

[arguing]

Stop, Ashleys! Stop!

What are we doing,
fighting between ourselves?

T.J. Detweiler is the one who tricked us.

That boy is toast,

and not the yummy French kind, either.

Glad you liked the valentine,
swinger girl,

But let's just keep this
between you and me, OK?

What about him?

Him? Oh, he's OK.

He knows all my innermost feelings.

[Ashley A] Attention
girls of the playground,

Please report to the Ashley
Clubhouse, like, immediately.

The Ashleys want to talk to me,

got to fly.

Well, Vince, your little plan

is working like a charm.

Hey, man, from now on,
just listen to the Vince-ster.

My fellow girls,

if you received a special one-of-a-kind

to-you-only handmade valentine

from a boy named T.J. Detweiler,

you are not alone. We all got one.

He told me I was special.

He told me to keep it between him and me.

T.J. Detweiler is not only
a total fake, he's a phony.

And as punishment,

we say let's give him
a makeover he'll never forget.

[all] Yeah!

Hey, I wonder what those girls

are talking about anyway?

Got me.

[Girls] Get T.J.! Get T.J.!

Run!

There they go! Get them!

OK, now all we got to do
is get back to the hole...

Hey, Teej, I've been looking
all over for you, man.

Oh, hey, there, Spinelli.
Listen, I got to run.

Wait a minute Teej. I want to thank you

for the special valentine you gave me.

I mean, you even dotted
the i's "Spinelli"

with little skulls.

Yeah, well, let's just
keep it between you...

There you are, T.J.

I've been working
in the Science Lab all day

and I just got a chance to open my cards

and, oh, my, it's just beautiful.

Hold on. You gave a card to Gretchen, too?

-Well, uh...
-Gee, here I thought

you put a little extra
elbow grease into mine,

Sort of like I was, I don't know,
first string on your team.

You are, spinelli. You are.

Well, then what about me, T.J.?

You're first string, too, Gretch.

After all, a team
is made up of many people,

Isn't that right, Vince?

I know nothing about these cards.

[Girl] Where is that -Timing,

handmade card-giving little cheat?

Over here, girls.

[yelling]

[T.J. and Vince] Boys room!

[panting]

It's a tie.

What have you guys been playing?

Hide... from... girls.

Can we play?

T.J. tricked the girls
with fake valentine cards,

and now they're planning

to give him a makeover like a model.

You mean, like a male model? Nuh-unh.

Oh, my dear friend.

Well, it's been nice knowing you,Teej.

But we got to get out of here

before the girls show up
and trap us in here.

Too late.

Loving this?

Quite.

T.J. Detweiler, come out here,
like, right now!

Maybe if I can just wait this out,

they'll forget the whole thing.

My big brother says girls can stay mad

for up to seven years.

I can't stay in here for seven years.

What am I going to do?

You could always apologize.
It's a thought.

[Girls] Flush the boys! Flush the boys!

Flush the boys!

I come in peace.

Where's Detweiler?
He's the one we're after.

T.J. will be out in a moment.

He just asks that you hear him out

before grabbing him, holding him down,

and putting junk all over his face.

All right, girls, put away the lip gloss.

You're up, Teej.

"Girls of Third Street,

I, T.J. Detweiler, do hereby apologize

for any hard feelings I may have caused,

however accidental it might have been.

For, you see, even though
I delivered the cards

with disdain for the tradition,

the fact is during that one little moment

you opened your cards,
I made you feel special,

and for that, I am not sorry.

Today you have helped me learn,
as every boy must,

that it is not right to toy
with the feelings of others,

be they girls, little kids, or animals...

in this case, girls...

And I promise never to do that again

cause the thing is, girls,
you're all my friends,

and you each deserve
a real special valentine."

[Ashley A] Well, they are,
like, beautiful cards.

And it is pretty nice
he gave one to every girl.

Aw, heck, Teej, we forgive you.

Oh, thank goodness you guys understand.

I mean, I worked hard on those things...

Cutting all the frilly stuff,

putting on the glitter,

writing all those great jokes. Ha, ha.

You mean, these are,
like, funny valentines?

Heh, heh.

Moisturize him!

Maybe next year
T.J. will just buy his cards

like a normal kid.

T.J. will never be a normal kid.

And I pick Gus.

Yes! Gee, thanks for picking me, Vince.

Of course, man. Wouldn't be
a team without my friends.

Now come on. We got a game to win.

[cheering]

Don't leave without getting

your complimentary pink envelope.

Pour vous, et vous, et vous.

And you're Gus what's-his-name, right?

Gosh, thanks, my very own envelope.

And there's something inside, too.

Uh-unh-unh, not until we say so.

Aw, man, what are
those powder puffs up to this time?

I don't know, but they're giving

one of these things
to every kid on the playground.

[Ashley] Like, attention,
everyone, attention.

Over the past few days,

we Ashleys have been
watching you non-Ashleys.

We've studied...
from the distance, of course,

your quite classless ways,
and quite frankly,

we feel this playground could use

a little social structure face-lift.

In other words,

we Ashleys have come up
with another brilliant idea.

Et voilà, les envelopes...

Which you may, like, open now.

Inside each envelope is a card
with a number on it,

and these numbers are your ratings.

They represent how much you're worth,

you know, as people.

Whoo-hoo! I'm number ! I'm number !

With being the highest
and being the lowest.

Think of it this way... a is average

And a is an Ashley-minus.

Only special people get that.

Let's hear for those lucky few, shall we?

Any questions?

Yes, you, the .

Um, is it possible to improve our grade?

[laughter]

OK, seriously, any questions?

Good. Well, enjoy your ratings.

Man, leave it to the Ashleys

to come up with a new way to dis everyone.

Yeah, just when you think
their stupid slam scams

couldn't get any stupider, they come up

with the stupidest one yet.
I mean, it's just stupid.

You got that right.
Ratings are for losers,

and speaking of losers,
let's go cream Lawson.

What do you mean
you want to see our ratings first?

Oh, do I need to say it slower?

My loser-ese must be a little rusty.

Fork over your number, dip-weiler.

A ? You only got a ?

So? Big deal. We playing or what?

Hmm, let me think about this.

I'm a and you're a .

Yeah, sure, we'll play, Detweiler,

In your low-rated dreams!

[laughing]

[Lawson] See you later, cinco de lame-o.

Aw, jeez, Lawson and his g*ons

are actually taking
these ratings seriously.

They're not the only ones. Look.

[chattering]

.

.

See ya.

I'm a ! I'm a !

I think it's a .

Oh.

Excuse me, sirs.

Would there happen to be any s here?

[laughing]

s? We're s, loser.

Man, this whomps.

Everybody's going along
with these stupid numbers.

It's just elementary psychology, T.J.

The kids with high numbers are flattered

by the rating system,
while those with low numbers

lack the self-esteem
to speak out against it.

I'm glad the six of us
don't give these ratings any...

Hey, I'm an .

I mean, how insignificantly amusing.

Well, the evilettes gave me a... ?

? ? That's an insult!

Hey, you're higher than me.

Rub my face in it, why don't you?

The nerve of those girlies giving me a .

Like I want to be anywhere near that high

on the Ashley food chain.
I demand a recount!

Well, guess we might
as well get this over with.

Hey, they left the off my .

Yeah, and they left the off of my .

Actually, guys, I believe Mikey got a

and you, Gus, got a... a .

But the scale starts at .

Don't let them get to you, Gus.

These ratings are worthless.
They don't mean a thing.

Well, I wouldn't say
they don't mean anything.

What are you talking about?

Look, I don't agree
with what the Ashleys are doing,

but they pegged me.

Aw, come on. You're not buying
into this, are you?

You saying I don't deserve to be a ?

No, I'm just saying
these ratings are crazy.

Oh, really? So now I'm crazy, huh?

Well, maybe I should just
hang out with the other s

as they must be crazy too.

Yeah, maybe you should.

-Fine.
-Fine.

Who needs you, anyway?

You don't see Gretchen acting all snooty

and ditching her friends, right, Gretch?

Gretch?

I'm just going to meet the other s...

For sociological purposes only.

I'll return soon with my findings.

The Ashleys have threatened the fabric

of our playground society!

[chattering]

So you think the reason we s

is because we're tall and thin?

Or as they say on the runways,
we've got m.p.

Model potential.

Model? Me? Oh, certainly
there's some mistake.

I don't know. I see eightness
written all over you.

You do?

Sure... soon as you lose
the glasses and the baby fat.

[giggles]

♪ Welcome, Vincent,
To the circle of champions ♪

I'm in the right place.
Who else made the cut?

♪ Well, first there's me,
The statewide singing champ ♪

♪ And then there's her,
The statewide spelling champ ♪

Judy Wertz... w-e-r-t-z. Judy Wertz.

♪ And then there's him,
The statewide chess champ ♪

♪ And that's not all ♪

Uh, gee, maybe I...

♪ We've got a checkers champ,
A Latin champ ♪

♪ A fencing champ, a science king ♪

♪ A jump-rope champ, a drawing champ ♪

♪ A whistling champ, a hopscotch queen ♪

♪ And that's not all ♪

♪ We've got a poker champ, fishing champ ♪

♪ A models champ, a ping-pong king ♪

♪ A puzzles champ, a banjo champ ♪

♪ A skittles champ, a fish stick queen ♪

♪ And that's not all ♪

So, why don't you guys tell me
a little about yourselves?

[cooing]

My name is Gus. I'm a .

Gus, what are you doing?

Playing with my peers.

But, Gus, I thought we were your peers.

Not anymore,

not since I learned that I have no value.

OK, that's it.

This has got to stop right now.

Your majesty, you've got to do something.

The Ashleys' new ratings have messed up

everything up on the playground.

Sir? Sir?

Has no one informed this impudent

that only s and higher
can address the king directly?

The king says...

I heard him. Now listen here, Bob...

Hey!

That's for not knowing
your place, -weiler.

Uh! This is crazy.

[gasps]

And that's for major hat hair.

If I were you, I'd quit while I was ahead.

Ha, ha, ha.

T.J., me and Gus were talking, you know,

while you were busy losing more points.

And we don't think
you should hang around us.

The Ashleys will just
keep lowering your score.

We're no good for you, Teej.

We're poison, I tell you! Poison!

Guys, come back!

The Ashleys can't do anything to us.

They can't do anything!

Attention, playground!

T.J. Detweiler is now a negative .

Standing near him
is hazardous to your score.

[giggling]

OK, enough is enough.
Your stupid game is over.

Ashley B., did you hear something?

No, Ashley Q.,
I totally didn't hear anything.

Ah! He touched me! He touched me!

We need a cootie sh*t stat!

Kids of the playground,
don't listen to the Ashleys.

You can be friends with whoever you want.

I say we all throw down our cards

and join in a giant playground-wide
game of battle tag.

Now who's with me?

I'm with you, Teej.

Then SpinellI's also a negative .

And so is Mikey Blumberg.

And Gus what's-his-name, uh, Griswold.

Negative , negative .

And don't forget former
Gretchen Grundler.

Oh!

Or Vince "was a " LaSalle.

Well, Ashleys, looks like you got

a whole bunch of negative s.
What are you going to do about it?

Like, easy... make yu all negative s.

And whoever, like, even talks to them

will be one, too.

[laughing]

Hey, man, you got sand on my shoes.

Sorry.

Now dig. I want to get that gold
before the bell rings.

♪ And we are the s, but they are the s♪

♪ And they are the s, but we... ♪

Must you s-i-n-g everything?

Yes.

♪ 'Cause we are the s,
But they are the s ♪

Ugh!

♪ And they are the s, but we are the s ♪

So Cammy said that Tiffy said
that Muffy said that Megan said...

Please stop talking.

No. She said that Jesse got all nuclear,

But Jesse's, like, so not even.

So I said that Tiffy said
that Cammy said that Muffy...

Please stop talking.

Man, this whomps.

Yeah, we're supposed
to be out there playing,

not choking on the stench
of yesterday's fish sticks.

Hey, look at the bright side.
We're all together again.

Yeah, not like those other kids.

Look at them all,
separated from their friends.

Everyone certainly does look miserable.

They'd probably all be happier
if they were negative s, too.

You know, Mikey,
that's not such a bad idea.

What, you're going to go out there
and make everyone a negative ?

Not exactly, but, guys, I got a plan.

Negative alert.

Are you, like, brain-dead?

You are totally not allowed
on the playground.

We just wanted stop by
and give you your ratings.

Our what?

We're s? No duh.

But you don't understand. We're all s.

-Hey, I'm a .
-Me, too.

I missed you, man.

Yeah, same here.

♪ Hey, it's my backup group ♪

♪ A cappella no more ♪

But how? Why?

Because you're really good at being you.

Like, wait, if they're all s
and we're all s,

Then that means that we're
just like everybody else!

Yeah, equality whomps, don't it?

Totally.

Attention, kids of the playground.

Anyone for a game of dodgeball?

[cheering]

Oh, I'll play, Detweiler,
but only under one condition.

What's that, Lawson?

It's s only!

Fair enough, lawson, fair enough.

[cheering]

If I put the Ashleys' with this new ,

that makes me a . What do you think?

I think you're missing
the point, my liege.

Oh, yeah? What do you know?
You're only a .

Yes, sir. Very astute, sir.

I'm a ! I'm king of the world!

[laughter and shouting]