03x05 - Partners in Crime/The Bet

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

Ah!

Ah!

[burps]

Permission slip accepted. Move along.

Slip accepted. Move along.

[Menlo] Thank you.

Now, this is gonna be a field trip!
Root Beer Rapids, here we come!

Ah! The rhapsody of a theme park,

where the names of the rides
are both fun and tasty.

Thank you. Enjoy the park.

[bell rings]

Sorry. I'm closed.

Closed! But we have our slips!

They're signed by our real parents
and everything!

The slips were due by : .
It's now one after : .

You mean we can't go?

For the love of humanity,

this is Root Beer Rapids
we're talking about!

Sorry, guys, but rules are rules,

and Miss Lemon counts on me
to enforce them.

But can't you break the rules
just this once?

Break the rules?

That would undermine the entire foundation
on which we build our society.

Why, without rules,
there would be no alphabet, no names,

no procedure by which
to organize those names

in a comprehensive filing system.

I'm sorry,
but there's nothing more I can do.

[sobbing]

Let it out, little guy. Let it out.

Someday they'll understand,
and on that day, they'll thank me.

[T.J.] Come on, Gus. Don't feel so bad.

Oh, sure! Easy for you to say!

You got your permission slip in on time!

But Mikey and me are doomed! Doomed!

Get your balls. Get your balls here!

Come on, Gus. Maybe a good ball
will help you feel better.

OK, OK. One kid at a time.

And no pushing
or you won't get anything at all.

Oh, man, this isn't a ball.
It's a rubber sack.

Yeah, come on, you little rat.

Where's the good balls?

The good balls?
Yes. Where did I put those?

Oh, I remember.

I'm saving them all for myself.

[laughs]

You're not a nice person,
you know that, Randall?

I guess there's only one thing
left to say, Battle Tag!

[all] Battle Tag! Battle Tag! Battle Tag!

Battle Tag? Hey! Wait up!

Ah! Break time.

Whoa!

[all] Battle Tag! Battle Tag! Battle Tag!

Battle Tag! Battle Tag! Battle Tag!

Team Blue, I pick Spinelli.

Team Red, I pick Mikey.

-Lawson.
-Gus.

What's going on?

It's Battle Tag.

I'm afraid I'm not familiar
with this Battle Tag.

It's only the greatest playground game
ever invented.

I played it once.

[children shouting]

[kid] Out of the way, weasel!

[grunts]

It was magical.

[Vince] I pick... Lazy Kid.

[sighing]
Oh, all right.

Just don't expect me
to run or jump or nothing.

Well, that's it. Let the battle begin!

[all cheering]

Hey! Wait a minute!

Haven't you forgotten something?

We get first up!

[all cheering]

[shouting]

Nine years old and I've never been picked.

It's because I'm too busy.

It's because I'm too important.

[both] It's because
they don't appreciate me!

You know, Menlo, I like the way you talk.

Likewise, Randall.

Say, it occurs to me,

why should those kids have all the fun?

Supposing we called the sh*ts
for a change?

I mean, think about it.
You have skills and so do I.

Why, with my knowledge of the playground

and your knowledge
of the office filing system,

we could, dare I say it, rule the school!

I'm afraid I don't quite follow.

Ah!

Hey! What's goin' on?

Listen here, Griswald,
you're gonna do what we tell ya to,

and you're gonna do it with a smile.
Know why?

Because my friend Menlo here
is gonna accept your permission slip

to Root Beer Rapids, understand?

Gee, Randall I'm starting to think
this isn't such a good idea.

The administrative handbook--

Do it!

Gee, thanks!
Well, see you guys at Root Beer Rap--

Not so fast, Griswald.

First, it's payback time.

Cinderella, dressed in yellow

went downstairs to kiss her fellow.

-b*at it!
-Uh-uh-uh! Not so fast. Menlo.

Spinelli, your records indicate

that you've accumulated a total
of tardies this year.

Yeah. So?

What would it be worth to you

if those tardies were to suddenly,
shall we say, disappear?

Yeah! I'm swinging in the clouds!
I'm swinging to Mars!

I'm swinging to the maximum height limit
recommended by the manufacturer!

Whoo-hoo!

Way to hop, man.

I'm invincible!

So, uh, Menlo, what do you say?
Are we even?

Sure, Vince, we'll just pretend
you never lost any of those footballs.

Oh, man! You guys didn't see me
hoppin' scotch, did ya?

It's OK, Vince. Gus and Spinelli
told us what was goin' on.

You two have had your fun.

I think it's time
you stopped trading favors

before things get out of hand!

He's right, Randall.

You run the risk of upsetting
the natural order of the playground.

Ah, Gretchen Grundler, the reasonable one.

What can we fix
for our fine friend Gretchen?

Any tardies? An absence perhaps?

The tormenting shame of an overdue book?

Nah, she doesn't have any of those.

I pride myself on maintaining
an exemplary record.

Although...

there is the matter
of a certain first-grade spelling bee

in which you and the judge
shared the delusion

that the word Mississippi was spelled--

Stop! All right. Name your price.

Yellow bike in the rack by the library.

See it gets a good washing.

Threatening to reveal
confidential information.

You've come a long way, my friend.

As I always say,
if you can't b*at 'em, join 'em.

If you can't join 'em, bribe 'em.

And if you can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em!

[laughing]

Boys, you won't believe
the dirt we dug up on you.

You never knew this, ladies,
but one of your fathers

graduated from a certain state university.

Shall we all find out which one it was?

[all gasp]

Excellent Thompson Seedless,
Upside-Down Girl, firm and succulent.

You've done well.

Very nice, but remember,

you can't just write
that you have a crush on me.

You have to tell people, too.

Ladies...

Randall-ous!

Very nice. Now get to work on my mural!

Your chocolate milk, sirs.

[slurping]

Blech! You call that chocolaty?

Take it back and don't return

till there's rich,
delicious fun in every sip!

You heard the man. More fun-liciousness!

I'd say we've reorganized
the playground quite nicely,

wouldn't you, Randall?

I don't know, Menlo.
I've got a bad feeling.

Like somewhere out there,

some kid is playing a game
or telling a joke

or maybe squirting grape juice
out of his nose,

and we're not in on it.

But we can put a stop to that.

[groans]

It's about time is all I can say.

[gasp]

"By order of principal Prickly,

no playing, no running, no fun"?

[murmuring]

Children of the playground!

Children of the playground!

Report to the jungle gym
for today's activities.

And welcome to the first recess
of the rest of your life.

-[kid] No, not there!
-Ah!

[all snickering]

-Who said that?
-Step forward, impertinent one.

Ah, T.J. Detweiler.

You talk big hidden anonymously
in the crowd of a Chinese checkers match.

But perhaps you wouldn't feel so brave

if I told everyone
what the initial "J" in T.J. stands for.

[gasps]

Back down, Teej. He means it.

We won't think any less of you.

Come on, Teej, walk away.
We'll get 'em later when they're asleep.

Go ahead. Tell 'em, I don't care.

You've already taken away my recess.

You can't do any worse to me than that.

[kids murmuring]

Hmm. He's a strong one, this Detweiler.

Yes. He doesn't bend easily to threats.

However, perhaps we can get to him
through the large boy.

All right, people.

Who can name the most powerful lizard
that ever ruled the earth?

-Randall.
-[all giggling]

[knocking on door]

Mikey Blumberg, I'm sorry to report
that a number of suspicious inaccuracies

have been discovered
in the ledger you kept

while manning the muffin booth
at last year's PTA fundraiser.

[all gasp]

Effective immediately, you are suspended.

[gasp]

I'm afraid it's official.

It's got principal Prickly's signature
right here.

Mikey, you'll have to go with Menlo.

[all arguing]

Do not weep for me, my friends.

Weep for the muffins whom I have failed.

This time they've gone too far!

Yeah! Ever since Menlo
started hanging out with Randall,

he went from being a dweeb
to being a creep, to being a jerk

to being a dweeby, creepy jerk all in one!

If only we could break 'em apart!

Gus, that gives me an idea.

It's not gonna be easy,
and it won't be pretty

but it just might be our only hope.

[trumpets music playing]

[all] Battle Tag! Battle Tag! Battle Tag!

Hey! You can't play Battle Tag!
You've seen the signs,

"no playing, no running, no fun"!

I pick Lazy Kid.

What, again?

Don't you people ever rest?

All right, fine!
You go ahead and play your game.

We'll have every one of you suspended.

Come, Menlo. Let's begin the paperwork.

Wait, don't leave yet.
We haven't finished picking sides.

Huh? What are you talking about?

I pick... Menlo.

-Really?
-Sure. Now, come on, the team's waiting.

Thanks!

That's it. Let's play!

[all cheering]

Menlo, come back here!

Are you crazy, Randall? I've been picked!

I've been picked! Whoo!
Boy, does it feel good to get picked!

But you can't just go!

Can't I?
Nothing in the rules says I can't.

But-but we're partners.
Bad boys to the end.

Without you, this whole thing falls apart!

But they picked me!

Y-you can't do this to me.
I made you what you are!

Before me, you were nothing!

Nothing, do you hear me? Nothing!

Hey, Menlo, for a lousy rat-fink dweeb,
you don't play half bad.

Why, thank you.

If you want, you can play again tomorrow.

I appreciate the invitation,
but truth be told,

now that I've actually played this game,
it's just too disorganized for my liking.

If you'll excuse me,
I've got some rules to revise,

some filing to catch up on,

and a certain special lady
waiting for me back at the office.

Ah, freedom, you taste nearly as sweet
as those muffins.

[all] Mikey! Hey, Mikey!
We're glad you're back!

The problem with Menlo is he's weak.

But not me.
They may have b*at me this time,

T.J. and his pals, but I'll be back.
They'll see. They'll see!

Ow!

Ah!

[cheering]

[cheering]

In your face, Austin, in your face!

You lose. L-O-S-E, lose!

Wait a second. Wait a second.
Did I forget to mention... you lose!

Yeah, you're hot today, LaSalle,
but you won't stay this hot forever.

And once you've gotten less hot,
you better watch out,

'cause I'm gonna be, uh... hot!

[hisses]
Ow! Could be months before it cools off.

Man, Vince, you've always been awesome,
but lately you've been even awesome-er!

I have, haven't I?
It's, like, I'm in this zone,

like, I can't be beaten,

like, my name shouldn't be Vince anymore.

It should be "In-Vince-able"!

-Now, Vince--
-Please call me In-Vince.

As I was saying, In-Vince,
there's no need to get cocky.

Hey, I'm just talking the truth.

I am Vince, winner of games,
beater of kids.

In fact, I gotta go b*at someone else.

But Vince, you already b*at
Phil at pickle, Lawson at tetherball,

and Joey, Mitch, and Leonard
at four square.

Who else is there to b*at?

Don't know, Spinelli.
But I'm gonna find 'em!

[Ashleys] Costume shopping for the ball.
How many fancy gowns in all?

One, two, three, four, five...

Let me have that.

Oh... OK.

Oh! A single rope!
That's, like, so impressive...

for a loser!

[Ashleys] Hey!

Slink like a cheetah, jump like a mouse.

Vince LaSalle is in the house!

Ah!

[Vince] Yes!

Sorry, Timmy, but it looks like you whomp!

[grunts]

And LaSalle is victorious again!

[imitates crowd cheering]

What do you say, Billy?
Best out of ? Huh, huh?

No, thanks. I've had enough.

That's right, Plaster Boy.
Run for your life!

'Cause the champ is on the loose!

Is it just me, or has Vince gone
way too far with this winning stuff?

Yeah! He scares me, T.J.

Oh, come on, you wimps.
Vince is just being Vince.

He's the man.
If kids can't handle taking him on,

they should shut up, get off the court,
and go play with their dollies!

Spinelli, you, me, tetherball. Right now.

Where you going?

Getting off the court.
Now, where'd I put my dolly?

OK, then. You, T.J.

Serve the ball and show me what you got.

Uh, I don't think so, Vince.

All right, then. Gus.

Uh, I'm new here. I kind of forget.

Is that the game
with the ball on a tether?

Oh, I get it.

You don't want the V-man to embarrass you

by kicking your sorry canastas
on the playground.

That's cool.
I might feel the same way if I was you.

Interesting theory, "V-man,"
but not entirely accurate.

Cool your burners, Gretch. I understand.

You're scared and you're jealous,
and you know why?

'Cause I'm the best! King of the best!

You just stop it!

Hey, come on. You know it's all in fun.

Yeah, fun for you! Misery for us.

When you were just being competitive,
that was admirable, Vince.

But now we've noticed
you're becoming, dare I say it,

unsportsmanlike.

What do you want me to do?

Act like I'm not better
than everyone else at everything?

-That'd be nice.
-Yeah, right.

Actually, Mikey's got a point.

I bet you can't even go one day

without having to cream somebody
at some game.

What? You don't know
what you're talking about.

OK, then. Tell you what, I bet you
, no, of my best Señor Fusion comics

against of your
Fearless Mortuary Kid Mysteries

that you can't go one whole day
without b*ating somebody at something.

Haha! You gotta be kidding!

Scared you can't do it?

As Señor Fusion would say,

Muchas gracias por los free comics!

[coach] OK, kids, fall in.

Today we're running a little something
I call the obstacle course.

[groaning]

Let's see if we can improve on
our times from last week,

which I might add were pathetic.

First up, Griswald vs. LaSalle.

All right, Gustav,
let me show you how this is done.

Oh, Vinnie, don't forget our little wager.

-But...
-[coach] Little hustle, LaSalle!

On your marks.

Get set.

[whistle blasts]

[cheering]

[Gus grunting]

Oh!

Oh!

[panting]

[gulps]

That's more like it, LaSalle!
That's how we're gonna b*at them!

Go on! Go get 'em! All right, all right!
Yes! Go, go, go! Huh?

You've done it, haven't you, LaSalle?

You went and became a vegetarian.

Hey, I know that was rough, Vince,
but it was for the best.

If you wanna quit, we'll understand.

Are you kidding? That was great!

It was?

Don't you get it?
I lost! I lost! Whoo-hoo!

I am a loser!
And I'm gonna keep on losing.

Sly made a loser out of you
and you, and you, and you, and you.

[laughing]

Hey, Mr. Big sh*t!
Think you could b*at this?

Not a chance.

Ah! Oh!

[all laughing]

Yes! In my face!

Oh, no. It seems I have lost.

Well, well, well, Vince.

It appears as though
the real whomper here is you!

[conga rhythm]
Whompa, whompa, whomp-whomp!

He even loses like a jerk.

Oh!

Ah!

[both] All right!

Haha! Whoopsy-oopsy.

Looks like I lost. I am bad!

And when I say bad, I mean actually bad!

Whoo-hoo!

Looks like he's gonna win
all your comic books, T.J.

And that'll annoy me, Gus,

but not nearly as much as Vince
is annoying me right now.

Yes, and if Vince wins this bet,
I'm afraid it'll only get worse.

Oh, when will this nightmare end?

Easy, when Vince starts
letting someone else lose, for a change.

I must agree. For our sake
as well as Vincent's,

we must stop him from losing.

The only question is... how?

If only there was someone
Vince couldn't stand losing to

no matter what.

Gus, I think I know just the guy.

[grunts]

All right. You pinned me.
Guess I had that coming.

Sorry.

Hey, Vince.

There's somebody here
who wants to talk to you.

Lawson!

You and me, LaSalle,
on the basketball court

for a game of Pig!

So that's your game, huh?

OK, Lawson, Pig it is.

[suspense music]

[all] Oh!

Come on, LaSalle,
even you can make that sh*t.

[all gasp]

Hah! That's "P", a "P" as in..."P"!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Keep playing.

[all] Whoa!

Yes! Beau-ti-ful!

Match that, Vincent Van Lame-o!

[murmuring]

"I"! That's an "I", LaSalle,
as in I am better than you.

One more miss, and you get a "G."

Pig, pig, pig, pig.
[snorts]

Oink, oink, oink, oink.
Oh, and LaSalle, did I mention, Pig!

Knock it off, Lawson.

What's the matter, Mr. Oinky?
Too much pressure?

Can't handle a little competition,
Mr. Oinky?

Just sh**t the ball!

Sure thing, Mr. Oinky. Mr. Oinky!

Oh, and did I mention--

Knock it off and sh**t!

Hey, it's OK.

So I missed one.
I got two letters in the bank.

You know, LaSalle, there's a rumor
going around the playground

that you've turned
into a little baby loser.

Couldn't even pin Cornchip Girl.
Am I right?

Am I right?

Hah! I am right.

You couldn't even pin
a little girlie-girl!

Only a little baby
couldn't wrassle a girlie-girl.

So I guess you're just a little baby!
[imitates crying]

And hey, guess what!
You're about to be a Pig!

You're gonna be a little baby pig!

Let me see,
that would make you... a pigette!

Piglet, Lawson.

Yeah, piglet, LaSalle.

Oh, look at the cute little piglet.
Isn't he so adorable?

Wah, wah. Oink, oink.
Wah, wah. Oink, oink.

Wah, wah. Oink, oink.

[Vince] Swish, swish.

Five hops on one foot from the sideline.

Jump and hook.

[gulps]

"P."

-"I."
-[bell rings]

Class bell, LaSalle. Out of time.

A tie? I don't think so.
We finish this now.

All right. You want another sh*t,
I'll give it to you. Sudden death.

You make this sh*t,

and I call you the greatest
Pig player of all time,

But miss the sh*t,

and you're known
as the biggest loser of all time.

Feelin' lucky, LaSalle?

Let's just do this.

Oh! And I forgot to mention,

you gotta make the sh*t from half court!

[all] Oh!

He's gonna try and make it.
We're gonna win the bet!

Don't you get it?
I got Lawson to b*at now.

Why should I care about your little bet

when I can whip someone
who really matters?

OK, Vince, go ahead. Make your sh*t.

Be a jerk hero,
but say goodbye to your friends,

'cause we've had it with you.

Or you can choose to miss.

You'll be the laughingstock
of the playground,

but I just bet
your friends will see you through it

because a friend knows what
and who really matters.

That's all I gotta say.

Yes! In your face, LaSalle!

I'm the greatest! You are a pig!

I am the greatest, greatest,
greatest, greatest!

Pig, pig, pig, pig!

Way to miss, man!

'Tis far better
to have a friend who's a loser

than it is to lose a friend.

You did the right thing, man.

Come on. Let's go to class
before we all get detention.

Hey, I gotta return the ball.
I'll catch up to you.

Swish, swish.

[bell rings]