03x17 - A Genius Among Us/The Spy Who Came in from the Playground

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

Ah!

Ah!

[burps]

So all one has to do is multiply
the integers by Y,

divide the result by Pi,
and the answer should be...

Oh, no, no!

Is there a problem, Gretchen?

Not a problem, Miss Grotke, the problem.

The integral equation
that grounded Gretchen Grundler.

Well, perhaps if you put the problem
on the board, I could help.

Excellent idea, Miss Grotke.

It seems quite simple at first
to be a quadratic equation,

but then there's this non-Euclidean twist.

There. Any insights?

Well, uh, gee.

Maybe someone else
in the class has an idea?

[all laughing]

Yeah, right, Miss Grotke. You k*ll me.

[bell rings]

There's got to be
a solution to our problem.

Correction, Gretchen, your problem.

Yeah, I got a problem of my own.
How do I get this maul ball

into the hands of someone I can smear?

Let's see.

[gasps]

Problem solved.

[sighs]

[bell rings]

[children gasp]

My problem! It's solved!

Well, look at that. Someone figured out
the answer to Gretchen's problem.

Uh, Miss Grotke, it was me.
I solved your problem there.

Phillip, how wonderful!

Why don't you step up to the board
and show us how you worked it out?

Uh, know what? I was just lying.

But if Phil didn't solve
Gretchen's math problem,

Who did?

Uh, Gretchen, you know that bell
that rang a while ago?

It means you can leave.

I know, guys, it's just my math problem
is solved perfectly.

Somewhere in this school
is my mathematical soul mate,

but for some reason,
he or she is hiding from me.

Well, you know what they say,
if you want to get your math mouse,

you need a big piece of math cheese.

There. If that doesn't tantalize
a mathematically gifted individual,

I don't know what will.

Someone's coming!

It's Randall!

Imagine, within that weaselly exterior
beats the brain of a genius.

What have we here?
Vince keeps gum in his desk.

Miss Finster will certainly be pleased
to know about this.

[cackling]

Why, that little creep!

Let it go, Vince.

Tomorrow at dodgeball,
not going to be pretty.

-[all gasp]
-[whistling]

Math. Yech. Glad school is behind me.

Now, where's LaSalle's desk?

That kid's usually good
for a stick of the sweet stuff.

Empty? Drat.

I'll have to waste money
on the vending machine again.

[sighs]
It's no use, T.J.

I'm afraid this stakeout idea
just isn't gonna work.

[all gasp]

sh**t, it's only Hank.

Sorry, Gretchen, we tried.

[T.J.] I guess we'll never find
your mathematical soul mate.

[Gretchen] Perhaps I should take out
an ad in the local paper

or post a notice
on alt.theoretical.mathematics.

[Spinelli] Or you can just forget
about math like us normal kids do.

Holy moly! Look!

Gadzooks! He's right.

Hank the janitor is a genius.

Huh? What are you kids doing here?

Hank, you solved
the Generalized Fermat-Wiles Equation

in five seconds flat.

Yeah, a janitor who knows math?
What's up with that?

-Are you a spy?
-Or an alien?

Out with it, man!

A spy? An alien? No, I just like math.
That's all.

Sometimes the teachers
leave these problems on the boards,

and I solve them, you know, for fun.

You mean fun like in fun?

Yep, nothing more fun
than a good hard math problem.

Well, you kids take her easy.

Well, another case solved.

Who's up for sweet-n-frosties at Kelso's?
I'm buying.

-I'm in.
-Me, too.

You guys go ahead.
There's something I need to attend to.

Excuse me, Hank. I know you're very busy,

but I was wondering
if I could talk to you.

Sure. Mopping leaves my ears free.

Well, I was wondering
if you'd like to join my new club.

Club? What kind of club?

A mathematics club.

A meeting place for frank
and open discussion of math theories,

algebraic formulas, exponential functions
and alike.

A math club, huh?
You know, that sounds like a real gasser.

Heck, we can meet down in the boiler room
after school.

I got a blackboard and chalk down there.

Great! I can't wait to tell the others.
Well, see you tomorrow.

Child prodigies, gotta love them.

[Gretchen] So you're saying
the formula for "A"

is based on the definition of area

in terms of arrived integral,
i.e. unlimited Riemann sums?

Bingo, and the formula for "C"

uses the definition of arc length
given a continuously differentiable curve.

Guys, is this great or what?

[snoring]

Man, that was harsh.

I hate midday naps.

I'm not going to be able
to get to sleep until : .

Hey, guys, great news!

Hank says we can meet
every day after school,

even the occasional lunch hour.

No! I can't take another minute
in the cold, unyielding world of numbers!

What? But, Mikey, I don't understand.

Look, Gretch,
we helped you find your genius.

We even joined the math club,
you know, in theory.

But we're kids. We belong in the wild
with the fresh air and asphalt.

[sighs]
Of course.

Far be it from me to force
my friends to endure

something antithetical
to their very nature.

Uh, yeah, glad you understand.

At the same time,
I hope you guys won't feel hurt

if I throw myself into the math-letes.
Some of the work we're doing--

It's OK, Gretch. We'll miss you, too.

Now go numinate some denomerators
and stuff. We'll be OK.

Thank you, T.J. You're a good friend.

Abstract fractals, here I come!

You guys don't know what you're missing.

Hank and I are having a verifiable hoot.

Hey, there, math-keteer.

Hello, fellow math-ronaut.

Hey, you never believed
the finger-paint spill

I cleaned up this morning
looked just like a Mandelbrot pattern.

That's rich! But get a load of this,

I ran those numbers
on the wacky Fourier curve and--

I did it! I did it! I ate puddings!
I ate puddings!

I am the pudding king!

I-I-I think I'm gonna be sick.

[pager beeps]

I can see that coming.

Well, got to go clean the hall.

[sighs]
You know, guys, I just don't get it.

Hank may possibly be the smartest,
most talented person I've ever met,

yet here he is, working as a janitor.

It saddens me to think
the world will never know

the singular genius that is Hank.

[sighs]

If you'll excuse me, I need to be alone.

She's right. With that hyperactive noodle
in his noggin,

Hank should be out making righteous bucks.

Yeah, but before he can make
righteous bucks,

he's got to get a righteous job.

And how's he gonna get a job like that
if nobody knows he's a genius?

Hey, guys, I got an idea.

My disinterested Gen X cousin Toby
runs a website.

I say we put Hank's notes on the Internet
and see if anybody's interested.

Hey, it's worth a try.

Look it there! Upside down
girl's swinging ponytail describes a curve

on the Euclidean plane of the playground.

[horn honks]

Are you Hank the genius?

Uh, yes.

I am professor Ugelstien
from the university.

May find, I saw your web page on the net

and if you are as talented
as your equations indicate,

then I believe you would flourish
in our math department.

Web page? Math department? I don't get it.

He's offering you a job, Hank.

Think of it as play, and your funnest toy

will be our massive supercomputer
housed in its very own campus building.

I call her Pippy.

A supercomputer?

Wow, what a fella couldn't do
with one of those!

[rumbling]

[kids scream]

An A- Tunnel-Boring Mole Vehicle!

Are you Hank the genius?

Uh, yeah, that's me.

Mister, your country needs you.

But I'm just a simple janitor, sir.

A janitor who's a genius.

And if you think cracking codes
and blowing stuff up is cool,

you've got a future in this man's army.

What on earth?

[echoed voice]
Do not be alarmed, we are from NASA.

Consider joining us, Hank.

With your math talent
and our space-exploration funds,

we can make
this intergalactic space transport system

a reality for the whole family.

Monkeyshines.
Hank, the m*llitary's where the action is.

Pippy is lonely, Hank.
Come be Pippy's friend.

Well, gee, I don't know what to say.

Go with the glowing bald guys, Hank.
They're way cool.

No way, man!
Go with the tunnel-boring machine.

No, Hank, higher learning
is pure and good.

What? You're nuts.

[children arguing]

[Hank] Stop!

Look, I know everyone's trying
to help me and all,

but this is something
I gotta figure out myself.

Gee, Hank, I guess word somehow got out
about your abilities.

Yeah, supercomputers,
intergalactic travel,

blowing stuff up?

These are the things
us number guys dream about,

But what to choose? What?

You wanna know my opinion?

Heck, yours is the only one
I'm interested in.

Well, it occurs to me
that in the equation of happiness,

there's only one choice:
follow your heart.

Follow my heart?

That's what I think.

Anyway, I just want to say,

well, whatever your decision, Hank,
good luck.

And goodbye.

Well, what did he say?

Is he going for firepower
or high-tech gizmos?

It's Hank's life,

and whatever he chooses,
we should be happy for him.

That's what a real friend does.

No what-ifs, no second-guessing,

no slipping into a deep dark fog
of bitter and relentless grief.

No, no. No need to do any of that.

-Hank!
-Tell us, Mr. Hank. What is your decision?

Out with it, man. We're ready to roll.

[echoed voice]
Help us, Hank. We need you.

Well, I've thought about it long and hard.

And the fact is I'd like to do
all the things you guys have offered,

but since I can't,

I've decided I'm gonna follow my heart.

I'm gonna stay right here.

[all gasp]

But, Hank, what about
all these wonderful opportunities?

I thought you loved math and junk.

I do love math.
And that's exactly why I'm staying put.

Look, if I go to work
for one of these fellas,

that would make math a job.

And then, what would I do for fun?

But what about blowing things up?

And the time-space continuum?

-Or Pippy?
-Well, sirs, there's plenty of guys

who'd love to mess with that stuff.

But as for me, I got a job already,
and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

Oh, balderdash. This is ridiculous.

Where's the draft when you need it?

[echoed voice]
You're making a big mistake, Hank.

You'll see. You'll...

Fine, sweep up.

That grand will go to someone else!

[cheering]

Well, Hank, if you're happy, I'm happy.
I say we celebrate.

Let's take a cr*ck
at the linear independence

of exponential functions.

Gretchen, that's the best offer
I've had all day.

Miss Finster! Miss Finster!
Some loser stole our precious Ashley flag

and, like, totally replaced it
with some sort of tent!

What the...

My bloomers! Good, sweet Mike!
Is there no end to the degradation?

[laughing]

Oh, man, we k*lled
five birds with one prank.

That was tasty.

Let's mail the flag back to them
one piece at a time.

Ix-nay on the ag-flay.

[chuckles]
How's it hanging, kid?

Cool prank, guys.

Who was that kid?

I don't know,
but he didn't rat us out to Finster.

Guys, guess what I just heard.

Superintendent Skinner is coming next week
for some kind of big inspection.

Excellent! We can pull off
the biggest prank ever.

Are you nuts? That's the one time
we can't pull anything.

Vince is right.

With Skinner here
the heat will really be on.

OK, then. We crank up the fun
for the next couple days.

You know, so we can weather the drought.

[bell rings]

And to this day, people who turn
on their friends,

family, or significant others
are called "Benedict Arnolds."

Funny. I thought
they were called "Randalls."

[chuckling]

[knock on door]

Hey, it's that kid again.

-May I help you?
-Yes, ma'am.

-I've been assigned to your class.
-How nice.

Class, meet your newest comrade
in study, um...

Stone, ma'am. James Stone.

Stone. How nice.

I always enjoy students with earth names.

Well, why don't you crash over there,
James, and let's learn?

Could I sit over there?

My skin doctor says
I should be near an open window.

Wherever your skin
is most comfortable, James.

T.J., can I count on you
to help your new study buddy get settled?

It would be my pleasure, Miss Grotke.

[bell rings]

Thanks for letting me hang with you guys.

Hey, I know what it feels like to be new.

Yeah, yeah. Feelings, feelings, feelings.
What do you guys feel like playing?

I'm sort of
in a baseball-card-flipping mood,

only I got no cards.

Hustler Kid's fresh out and says
next shipment's late.

Uh, I might be able to help out.

Here, Dad works
for Bubble Ball Trading Cards.

I got enough for all of us.

Tender.

Think of all the gum.

[Vince] Thanks, James.
I got some real collector's items here.

A couple of these rookie cards
just might pay my college tuition.

And this gum tastes
as if it might last all day.

Yep, bubble gum, sports heroes,

and lounging around on the jungle gym.

Recess doesn't get much better than this.

Yeah, only one bad thing about it,
far as I can see, it's too short.

If only there was some way
to make recess longer.

Hey, where there's a will, there's a way.

The suits don't know we know about this,

but I'll let you in on a little secret,
we know about everything.

Oh, you see, James?
I told you we could make a pyramid

with only six kids.

You think that kid suspects something?

I know he does, but don't sweat it.

Randall may be a snitch,

but he's not the brightest bulb
in the janitor's closet.

You mind hurrying up, Teej?
I got a knee in my back here.

Keep your eye on the clock, my friend.

Man, you guys know all the angles.

James, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Get a load of how Mikey
sweet-talks the lunch lady

into giving him extra food.

He gets even bigger portions
than prescribed by law.

It all starts with a little
covert flower picking

in Prickly's private garden, then he--

Psst. Snitch at twelve o'clock.

Thanks, James. That was close.

OK, so Mikey picks flowers
in Prickly's private garden. Then what?

Watch and learn.

Hello, lunch lady.

[sniffs]

My, today lunch smells
particularly satisfying.

Why, thanks, Mikey.

Would you like peas or carrots?

Hmm, such a brutal decision.
You make them both so well.

That's why I always remember
to bring you these.

Azaleas! Oh, them's real pretty.

They match my state-mandated hairnet.

Don't tell nobody I done this, but...

Savvy. Very savvy.

What do you say, James?
Is that rich or is that rich?

You guys definitely got flair.

-[bell rings]
-[children cheering]

Whoops, there's the bell.

Hey, not so fast
on a full stomach there, buddy.

But aren't we gonna be late for class?

Don't think so.

See? We like to avoid
that mad hustle and bustle at the door.

I'm not into the running-and-bumping thing
unless, you know, it's battle tag.

Yeah, but I don't want to get a tardy.

James, take a deep breath,
relax, then follow us.

This little secret keeps us out
of the rat race and perpetually untardy.

Mikey, would you do the honors?

I would be honored.

[bell rings]

James, we're going over to Vince's
to watch some TV. Wanna come?

Can't, but I'll catch you guys later.

Come on, James, Vince's mom stocked up
on those chips that come stacked in a can.

Cool breeze, but I can't.

We're having people over tonight,
and I've got to--

Get cleaned up? Say no more.

[Gretchen] We've all got parents
to deal with, James.

[all] Bye, James.

You missed it, James.

We watched three whole hours
of Ghost Pooch reruns.

Man, that dog is scary.

But very, very cute.

[thud]

[all gasp]

What the...

Maybe that Randall's a little smarter
than you guys thought.

[sniffs]
I smell succotash.

Excuse me, guys. Got to make a flower run.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm doomed to a single portion!

[bell rings]

Who would do it?

Who would surround beautiful flowers
with razor wire?

There's a lot of stuff
I don't understand lately,

but I'll mull it over in class.

Come on. Let's get inside.

-[all gasp]
-Going down?

-[Gretchen] Detention?
-[Vince] This is the worst.

Poor James, having to call his Mom
and Dad himself just 'cause he's new.

And it's all that jerk Randall's fault.

Yeah, he's always snooping around.

I am not! Whoops.

[screams]

Little jerk ran into the boys' room.

We'll get him. Come on, guys.

-[buzzing]
-What's that noise?

Don't know, but I've been hearing it
for the last three days.

Shh. It's coming from inside that stall.

[man voice] Superintendent Skinner,
Stone here.

This was a great idea
you and Prickly cooked up.

So far I locked the clock controller,
fenced in the garden,

and tipped off Finster
to the side entrance.

Nah, dopey kids got no idea
what's going on.

In fact,

[fakes kid voice]
we all get to spend recess in detention.

[laughs]

[normal voice]
I'll learn more of their tricks

and get a chance to rest up.

Not a bad way for a -year-old-dude
to make a living, huh, sir?

Yeah, I'll send
my next report tomorrow. Bye.

I-I can't believe it.
We treated James as a friend.

Took him so into our inner circle.
Let him hang with us.

And the whole time
he was nothing but a Benedict Arnold.

A grown-up Benedict Arnold!

Well, I say it's time we had
a little fist-to-gut talk with Mr. Stone.

No, wait. I got a better idea.

James doesn't know we know he's a snitch.

Maybe there's a way we can give him
a taste of his own medicine.

-But how?
-Well...

Uh, sorry, Randall. Cool kids only.

I can't be trusted. I understand.

For using unauthorized entry methods,

among other things,
you'll all sit this recess out.

I don't want a lot of chatter.

I'll be back to check
on the likes of you seven later.

Welcome to whomps-ville.

[kid voice]
You can say that again.

We got to get Prickly back big time.

But how, Teej?

Remember how we weren't going
to do anything to upset

Superintendent Skinner's visit tomorrow?

It seems like a smart thing to avoid.

Nah, no more. Now we're going to pull off
the biggest prank of all time.

Tomorrow when Skinner meets Prickly
in front of the school,

we're gonna drench him
with a hose from up on the roof.

Yes, a super soakie!

Skinner will look like a drowned rat,
and Prickly will look even worse.

Now, we all have important roles to play.

Uh, gee, T.J., I don't know.

I'm already in real big trouble as it is.

Yeah, Teej, let the poor kid
off the hook. He's new.

OK, James, I'll toss you a job
with some deniability.

Now here's what we're gonna do.

[whispering]

Now, don't worry, sir.
Superintendent Skinner isn't due to arrive

for another two minutes.

I know that.

[normal voice]
Superintendent? Stone here.

Listen, there's a disruptive cell
at Third Street School

planning an attempt on your clothing.

-Send security up to the roof and I'll...
-[phone beeps]

Hey, buddy. Rested and ready?

[kid voice]
Uh, yeah, ready as I'll ever be.

Great. All you have to do
is watch Spinelli for the signal

and quickly raise
the school flag as a diversion.

When everyone looks up,
we douse Skinner with the hose.

We get in, we get out. Nobody gets hurt.

Yeah, but somebody sure gets wet!

Cool, but a flag goes up pretty slow.

How is that gonna be a diversion?

That's where this little machine's
BHP electro-ridge comes in.

I'll attach it to the flagpole.

All you have to do is throw this toggle.

The flag sh**t up, everyone looks,
"oh my", and our destiny is fulfilled.

Yeah, this is gonna be sweet.

[normal voice]
Laugh now, Detweiler.

You and your little friends are doomed

to a childhood of detention
and extra homework.

[children laughing]

Superintendent Skinner, we're so happy
to have you here at Third Street School.

Yes, Prickly, I'm sure you are.

Uh, hello, students and faculty
of Third Street Elementary.

It's indeed a pleasure
to be on the lookout.

I mean, I mean, to be here today.

When principal Prickly
asked me to come here today,

he promised me
I'd leave even more impressed

than, uh, when I received
his embossed invitation.

I certainly hope this is true,

since your school's performance
levels this year

lag somewhat behind
the rest of the district.

Anyway, I didn't actually prepare
a speech, so-- Whoa!

[discussing]

You never have a camera when you need one.

Prickly, you idiot! Get me down from here!

[all laughing]

No one laughs! Not one chuckle!
Who's responsible for this?

-Randall?
-He did it! He did it!

-[all gasp]
-Thanks, man.

Stone!

Yes, Superintendent Skinner?

You're fired!

Sorry, I-- This isn't my fault.

It was these kids. They set me up!

You're blaming kids?
You're a -year-old man!

[children gasp]

[laughing]

You! I'll get you for this!

Oh, grow up.

Well, so much for James, but he did manage
to close up all our shortcuts.

That's the beauty of fourth grade, Vince.

We get to find new ones.

[bell rings]