09x06 - Club Fred

[bunniefuu]

[ whirring]

[ snoring]

Whoa!

[ whirring]

[ kids laughing]

[ dog barks]

[ giggles]

[ whirring]

[ squeals]

[ wind whistling]

Oh!

A bit late in
the season for this,

don't you think?

What's the matter,

scared of
a little wind?

[ chuckles]

Oh!

Barkeques are fun

because you get to
play with your food!

Pass the potato-bug
salad, Chuckie.

Coming right up.

We're not really

going to eat you.

I am.

Ah, yeah!

Everything tastes better
when it's barkequed!

Huh?

[ laughs sinisterly]

[ Angelica chomping]

[ Angelica screaming]

[ all laugh]

WOMAN:
Hey, kids, feast your eyes

on what we found.

One jiffy little
vacation package.

It's an
all-inclusive trip

to the Caribbean.

And not just the Caribbean--
Club Fred!

Club Fred--
I heard of that place.

Trèsvery classy.

You mean très
very expensive.

That's the best part--
it's % free.

Wait a second.

It's not free.

These are two-for-one
coupons.

"One senior free with each
paid adult admission."

So... so... so
what do you say?

It'll be
a swell vacation!

Vacation from what?

You're all retired.

Well, Withering Oaks
is no Club Fred.

You got that right,
sister.

They say it's
the best place ever.

Wow, that's
the bestest place ever.

That sounds like a place
even I would like.

Maybe.

Club Fred does look like fun.

[ moans]

Ah, what the heck? Why not?

Hey, pups!

We're going on vacation,
and that means fun, fun, fun!

[ jet engine roaring]

Oh, it's so beautiful!

What's this place
going to be like, Mommy?

It's a club
filled with people
whose only job

is to make us happy and
give us whatever we want.

[ snaps fingers]

[ Caribbean steel-drum
music playing]

No, according
to this,

only the seniors and babies
are registered.

You're all welcome,

but there's a late fee,
and it'll be snug.

Hold on!

I personally sent in
those forms,

and I can state for a fact...

Excuse me.

What's that?

"Stu Pickles, Didi Pickles..."

Oops.

Heh, could have
sworn I sent it in.

Nice going, Louie!

Well, let's make
the best of it.

It'll be... cozy.

This is a vacation?

It wasn't this crowded
in the old country!

And we had a yak!

I never sawed a house
made of grass afore.

I wonder if
that's whats grows

if your mommy
don't mow the lawn.

[ people laughing]

This is the bestest place,
you guys!

Everyone looks really happy.

[ moaning, grunting]

Ooh!

Was that a little tight
in there,

or was that just me?

My shoe closet's bigger
than that hut.

Well, we're not here to stay
cooped up inside, anyway.

Cynthia says,
"So far, this place stinks."

I agree with the doll.

Some vacation.

I wonder why our mommies and
daddies don't look happy, guys.

They're not acting like
this is the bestest place ever.

They're sure not having
fun, fun, fun.

I'm going to need
a lounge chair,

a pitcher of iced tea,

hypo-allergenic exfoliate,
sun block

and a platter
of crudité.

ANNOUNCER [ over loudspeaker]:
Fred alert!

Mateys, it's time for you
happy Club Fred guests

to meet at the Pirate Cove.

See you there, mateys!

[ gasping]:
There's pirates?!

Pirates are scary!

Maybe there's
nice pirates, too.

No, sir!

Next, you'll tell me clowns
is supposed to be funny!

Argh, mateys!

I'm Pirate Fred!

Welcome all!

As ye no doubt know,

legend has it that Blue Beard
himself buried his treasure

right here in Club Fred.

He's not much
of a pirate,

but I like
his booty!

AUNT MIRIAM:
Whoo-hoo!

[ blows kiss]

Yee-ha!

[ sighing]

And the lucky mate or wench

who should find
the treasure,

gets to keep the priceless
bounty inside--

an upgrade to our five-bedroom,
island paradise, luxury...

Guys...

they gots treasure
in this place!

[ cheering]

PIRATE FRED:
So if you're brave enough

to look for
Blue Beard's treasure,

here are the clues
to bring you pleasure.

Once you find the coconut tree,
gold doubloons you shall see.

When a fork in the road you spy,

you'll find the lost booty,
"Aye," says I.

Argh!

Ha! Ha!

What's a guy with
a blue beard and
a jokenut tree

has to do
with treasure?

Uh, I don't know.

But if we find that stuff

and a fork on the ground

and a baby booty,

it'll take us to the treasure!

Or... we could
just sit here,

which would also be good.

If we could only find
that treasure.

The treasure?

Ha! I've been coming here
for years,

and no one's
ever found it.

Trust me, it's just a gimmick
to reel in the suckers.

Too bad, because
that treasure

would have been
the only thing

to make this vacation
fun, fun, fun.

Did you hear that, guys?

We gots to find the treasure

so our mommies and daddies
can have a fun bacation!

Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!

Come here, you little sand bugs!

We're taking you kids to a
special place just for babies.

And a big Kid Fred
howdy-do to you!

And you!And you!And you!

We're going to play lots of
Fred-tastic, funerific games

like peek-a-boo!

Hey, lady, I'm no baby,

so I don't want to be stuck
in no baby land!

I know, you're
a great big girl,

so we're going
to take you over

to where the other
big girls play.

About time.

[ children giggling, playing]

[ excited giggling]

Welcome to paradise,
babies.

You like story time?

Here, it's stories round
the block, whenever you want.

And apple juice -,
like it grows on trees.

This really is
the bestest place

in the whole
wide world!

Betterer than a mud puddle!

Or under the couch!

BOTH:
Or a mud puddle under the couch!

It's what I've been looking for
all my life.

But, guys,

we gots to find that treasure

so our mommies and daddies
can have fun, too!

[ bicycle bell dinging]

[ children giggling, playing]

Not bad.

When's ice cream time?

In about an hour.

Have fun!

An hour?!

That's going
to take all day!

Got to sneak out of here

and find that place
Mommy talked about,

where you can get
whatever you want!

[ babies cooing, giggling]

Guys, snap out of it!

We gots to find the blue beard
and the jokenut tree

and the gold balloons!

Oh... it's no use.

He's got his
"baby's got to do what
a baby's got to do" face on.

[ penguin squeaks]

Time to find us a blue beard!

Come on!

Whee!

[ giggling]

CHUCKIE:
I never saw nobody

with a blue beard afore.

He must look like
Santy Claus.

Only bluier.

[ door creaks]

[ phone ringing]

Club Fred, can I help you?

Hello.

I need a hugemongous
ice cream sundae right away.

Gift shop.

I need toys

for my wonderful daughter--
lots and lots of toys,

especially anything with
the word "Cynthia" in it!

And make it sappy!

Alberto Chi Chi,
"Hairs To Die For."

ANGELICA:
Yeah, Mr. Cheesy,

I want the same makeover as
with the Cynthia Salon Superset.

[ chanting to congo b*at]

[ congo line chant continues]

[ Tommy gasping]

Look!

It's the guy
with the blue beard!

Hurry! He's
getting away!

[ congo line chant continues]

Wait.

Alls we gots to do is follow
these blue beard drippies.

Whee!

[ giggling]

Must be a doctor.

And this is just the beginning!

PIRATE FRED:
Ah, yes!

One deluxe canoe reserved
for the Pickles party

when there were
just five of you.

No problem-- we can fit.

[ blows kiss]

So hows about a game
of shuffleboard?

[ children giggling]

[ tricycle bell rings]

Angelica?

Angelica Pickles?

Oh, great!

We're short five babies!

Security!

Check.

We're on it.

[ alarms sounding]

GIRL:
Excuse me, Ma'am!

Have you seen
a lost little girl?

No.

No one here
but us grownups.

Now, excuse me,
you're blocking my sun.

TOMMY:
And that tooked us
right to these trees.

The pirate said
there was a special tree, right?

Uh-huh.

A jokenut tree.

What's that?

Must be a tree
that tells jokes.

Trees don't talk.

They only listen.

Well, um, maybe we
gots to tell jokes
to the trees,

um... until they laugh.

I gots one.

Knock-knock.

He must've heard
of that one afore.

Let me try.

Uh... a dinosaur and a caveman
go into a toy store,

and then they come out.

[ silence]

Me?

Well, okay.

Let's see.

Oh, yeah.

The chicken crossed the road
because he looked both ways.

[ laughing]

[ laughing echoing]

Good job, Chuckie.

I didn't think
it was that funny.

TOMMY:
This gots to mean

we're getting closer
to the treasure!

Now we gots to find
some gold balloons.

Come on!

[ shouts]

Whoa!

[ cart rattling]

[ dishes smashing]

[ ice shatters]

[ balloon pops, air hisses]

Look, balloons!

Just like the pirate said!

TOMMY:
Let's follow them!

Come on, guys,
we got to get
to those balloons!

CHUCKIE:
I wonder what
that means.

I think it means
you're allowed

to color
on your clothes.

[ strumming guitar]

TOMMY:
Oh, everybody's all nakey!

They don't even gots diapies!

Maybe the pirate
stole all their clothes.

Then we got to be real
near the treasure.

Look! The treasure!

[ all exclaim]

[ hinges squeaking]

[ Tommy grunts]

Uh... you think
thisis the treasure, guys?

I don't think these

will make our mommies
and daddies have fun, fun, fun.

There's no
treasure here.

Let's go.

[ dishes rattling]

[ pings]

I don't think
we're ever going

to find that
treasure, Tommy.

[ stroller clanks]

[ gasps]

A fork on the road,
like the pirate said!

Look!

A bootie!

[ all gasp]

Great, Lil.

Now, we put the bootie
with the fork in the road

and maybe we'll see the...

Oh, no!

Pirate!

Wherever
there's pirates,
there's treasure,

so we gots to be close!

[ bubbles popping softly]

CHARLOTTE:
I didn't mean
to abandon the others,

but their idea of a vacation
and mine

were simply
two different things.

I'm sure you understand.

Don't you?

ANGELICA:
I do.

That's ridiculips, Mommy.

I mean... lady.

Angelica?!

I didn't sneak out!

I got lost!

I fell in here!

Back to Kid Fred with you,
young lady!

It's Mommy's turn
to play in the mud.

STU:
I can't believe we have to
watch a show about treasure.

They sure know how
to rub it in.

The kids should have

been dropped off
by now.

Ah, don't worry, Deed.

BETTY:
In a place like this, they can't
get into any mischief.

The treasure's
gots to be around here.

More pirates!

I'm too young
to walk the plank.

Argh, mateys, welcome to Club
Fred treasure extravaganza--

"The Pirates of Fredzance."

Whoo-hoo!

[ laughs uncomfortably]

AUNT MIRIAM:
Yee-ha!

[ Aunt Miriam shouting]

I bet the treasure's

near the leader pirate.

Well, I think
I'll just stay here.

So those other pirates
can get you?

[ gasps]

Okay, let's go.

PIRATE FRED:
Let's all give a big "Aye"

to the Club Fred Pirates!

ALL:
Aye!

[ crowd cheering]

[ chanty music playing]

PIRATES:
♪ When you're a pirate

♪ The sea, she is your lady

♪ And your lady
is someone you never see! ♪

♪ Every pirate

♪ Has got to have his matey

♪ And I found her,
she's a flounder from the sea! ♪

[ shouting and laughing]

♪ ♪

PIRATE:
I've hurt myself!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[ kids screaming]

PIRATE:
I've hurt myself!

[ Chuckie screaming]

PIRATE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[ audience laughing]

[ Dil laughing]

[ all gasp]

ALL:
The babies!

PIRATE FRED:
This isn't how we rehearsed it!

I think we'll
be okay here.

[ sighs, speaking gibberish]

[ lever clicking]

[ dial squeaks]

[ gears grinding]

[ gear pops]

[ all screaming]

[ ship rumbling]

Out of the way!

Hey, hey, let me go, hey!

[ stage creaking and cracking]

Whoa!

[ ship thuds]

[ shouting]

Whee!

[ giggling]

[ all gasp]

The treasure!

Open it, open it!

[ hinges creak]

Huh?

DIL:Mine!
[ chewing noisily]

Where'd they go?!

Why, I'd know

those little feet
anywhere.

[ all exclaiming]

Kiss your mama!

[ Chas laughing]

What were you doing?

Ouch!

STU:
The treasure!

The babies found the treasure!

It was under the stage
all along!

A person's supposed
to find the thing there?

That Fred's a big cheat!

[ Fred stammering]

Hey, I'm not really a cheat.

The clues were abstract.

I... took artistic license.

You ought to go
to jail, pal!

I'll wait for you, honey!

Ooh!

[ Aunt Miriam blowing kisses]

Looks like our
vacation is saved!

Ah, this is the life.

GRANDPA:
You said it, sonny.

[ children laughing]

I like this vacation!

And now our mommies
and daddies do, too.

I liked finding the bootie.

I like the pirate boat
ride being over.

Hey, where's Angelica?

You don't think
we're being too
harsh, do you?

Are you kidding?

Have you seen
what she charged?

I suppose you're right.

Angelica, we're waiting!

[ glasses clinking]

Thank you, Princess.

Oh, yes, Daddy.

Here's your juice, babies.

Anything else?

Nope.

We'll call you.

Guys, now,
this really is

the bestest
place ever.

Everybody!

[ all laughing]

[ screaming]

Wait for me!

Yee-ha!

PIRATES:
♪ And I found her,
she's a flounder from the sea! ♪

[ pirates laughing
and shouting]

PIRATE:
Where's my leg?!

PIRATE:
She's a flounder from the sea!

PIRATE:
Ahoy!

Yeah!

[ chanty music continues]

AUNT MIRIAM:
He's not much of a pirate,
but I like his booty!