01x01 - Susie Sings The Blues

[bunniefuu]

[ rock music plays]

♪ I'm the girl
you're looking for ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the girl
I'd be looking for ♪

♪ If I were you, baby, yeah.

[ dogs barking outside]

Quiet!

[ barking stops]

Everybody's a critic.

[ barking resumes]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

♪ O, say, does that
star-spangled banner yet wave ♪

♪ O'er the land of the free

♪ And the home of the brave?

Hang it up,
Susie.

You sound like Fluffy

the day after
she licked the tinsel

off the Christmas tree.

Oh, that's so sweet,
Screechelica.

WOMAN:
That is some voice
you have.

I'm Beverly Jones.

I manage singing talent.

It's a little rough
around the edges,

but you definitely
have something there.

Are you repped?

Thanks. Uh, repped?

You know,
do you have an agent?

Well, no, but...

If you're looking
for real talent,

plant it and dig it.

♪ I'm the girl
you're looking for ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the girl
I'd be looking for ♪

♪ If I were you,
baby, yeah. ♪

I used to like that song.

Well, call me
if you're interested.

MAN:
Pick up those feet, Alvarez.

Hands out of pockets, Boyer.

Pulaski, did I say
you can slouch?

Those are the guys who spread
the mashed-potato flakes

on the soccer field,
then set off the sprinklers.

Slam Bang Pangborn will put them
in evil holds he learned

when he was a pro wrestler,

like the inverted
double gut wrench.

Their detention's going
to be brutal.

Yeah, but it's proof
they took a risk.

Sure they're paying the price,

but they lived
on the edge.

Not me.

I make safe, boring choices.

Not so boring.

You got your
lactose-free
cottage cheese,

your white bread
with the crusts
sliced off,

your, uh, vanilla ice cream.

See? I'm vanilla.

Crustless Vanilla Finster.

I was going to get the
chocolate-mango swirl bar,

but no, I chickened out
at the last minute.

Story of my life.

Actually, you usually
chicken out the first minute,

but, hey,
be tight with that.

But I want to be tight
with a different Chuckie.

A Chuck!

A Chuck who takes risks,

a Chuck who flirts
with danger.

I'm going to start
messing up.

You with me, Tom?

CHAS:
Well, I crunched

and recrunched
the numbers, Betty,

and technically speaking,

unless we bring in more
customers, we're toast.

What you need is a gimmick
like weight machines.

[ gasps]

The Glutinator ,--

been using it
three times a week.

Go ahead, pop a cup of joe
on top of that puppy.

It won't spill a drop.

Oh, uh, thanks.

ANGELICA:
If you really want

to fill this joint,
hold a talent night.

People love
to be entertained.

You want to pack them in?

You need to introduce
a great undiscovered singer,

who, by the way,

you've known since she
was practically in diapers.

Hmm.

You're right.

We'll get
Susie Carmichael.

Huh!

I was talking
about me--

great undiscovered singer-- me.

Oh, well, uh, I suppose we could
put you on before Susie, and...

Before?!

I'm no opening act.

But I don't think...

Have you cracked
your nut?

Well, actually, Betty,
I think it was my spine.

This is Angelica
you're dealing with.

You really want
to shut her off?

Plus, if you put
her on beforeSusie,

there'll beno after.

Got it?

Well, how about I put
you on afterSusie?

Believe me, they'll be relieved
when I take the stage.

Nice work, Chas.

[ moans]

Oh, thanks.

Uh, Betty, would you mind
taking me to the emergency room?

Again.

RANDY:
A career as a pop singer?

Oh, Susie,
be realistic.

Your career choice
should be something

that puts allyour
talents to use.

It does.

I sing, I dance, and I think
I can really make it.

So do thousands
of girls, sweetheart.

But so much of it
is based on luck.

Look, Susie,
it's not like

we don't think you're
a wonderful singer.

We just don't want
you to get hurt.

These are the years
you should be devoting

to your
academic talents--

you know,
for a future

that will bring
you success.

But what if some
talent agent comes along

and says I have a future?

Oh, honey, we've
always supported

all that you've
wanted to do,

but I'm afraid
we have to insist

you focus your attention

on something more
meaningful and realistic

than being
a pop star.

SUSIE:
You don't think
it's a crazy idea?

No way.

You're a great
singer, Susie.

Yeah, you totally rock

for, like, around here.

What Philip means
is there are stars like you,

and starslike Emica.

You know, Big Dipper,
Little Dipper.

Oh, so basically you're saying
I'm a little dipper.

ANGELICA:
Emphasis on "dip."

Give it up, Susie.

If anyone's going to be
the next Emica,

it's going to be me.

I already have backup singers.

Oh, yeah,
and these guys.

I play electric guitar.

I got the dancing fingers.

Yeah, well, remember
to dance them

to rehearsal
tomorrow at :.

And don't be late.

Lil?

Uh, she promised she'd
introduce me to cute boys.

Phil?

Blackmail,
pure and simple.

Don't sweat it,
girlfriend.

If anyone has
what it takes,

it's you,
Big Dipper.

You got that right.

[ growling]

[ something crinkling nearby]

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow!

PANGBORN:
People, I've got

an entire basketball team
hopping on one foot.

Even if it takes the rest
of the school term,

I'll find those
sneaker snatchers!

This is it, Tommy.

We're going down.

No way, Chuckie.

[ sniffing]

I smell fear.

That's right.

[ screams]
Smell it.

So no one should think they can
put one over on Slam Bang.

Whew!

Man, that was close.

Yeah, but not
close enough.

I'm taking this bad boy
as far as he'll go.

CROWD [ chanting]:
Susie! Susie! Susie!

Susie! Susie! Susie!

Susie! Susie! Susie!
Susie! Susie! Susie!

[ phone rings]

Beverly, it's Susie Carmichael.

When can you start
making me a star?

♪ The road'll zig

♪ The road'll zag

♪ And, baby, that

♪ Ain't all bad.

[ tape rewinding]

Much better.

You're one of the quickest
quick studies I've ever repped.

Well, when I want something,
I want it.

By the way,
who have you repped?

Only the best.

And let me tell you,
I think you're going
to be one of them.

I didn't want
to tell you yet,

but I have some people
from Pouty-Girl Records

who want to hear
you sing.

Get out--
thePouty-Girl Records?!

Do things always
happen this fast?

Oh, they do
when someone is as talented

and hardworking as you are.

Oh, this is
a dream come true!

My parents didn't believe...

Now, Susie,
you do know

things like this don't
pay for themselves.

There's a studio to rent
and musicians to hire.

Oh, oh, of course, I know.

So I'm going to need $,.

Wow! Where are you
going to get it?

From you.

I'm going to need
$, from you.

A thousand dollars?

I know it seems like
a lot of money now,

but once you get
your record deal,

you'll be a huge star,

and trust me, money
will not be an issue.

Uh, we...

Look, if you're
not ready, that's okay.

I'll just cancel.

No!

No, I'll get the money.

[ bells chime]

WOMAN [ over P.A. system]:
Due to recent hallway
disagreements,

Assistant Principal Pangborn
will be sponsoring

a mediation session called
"Meeting in the Middle."

So please assemble
in the courtyard,

where you'll all meet
in the middle.

[ growling]

A thousand dollars?!

Uh-huh, and I can't
ask my parents.

There's no way I can earn
that much money.

I've got $ saved
I could loan you.

That'll pay for
a drumstick or two.

Hey, isn't your sister
looking to buy a house?

Yes, so...

BOTH:
She's got money!

She needs it so she
can rent the studio

and hire musicians.

Why don't you ask
Mom and...

They are so not down with this.

Alisa, I'll pay
you back

as soon as I get
this record deal.

Record deal?!

You still have
to audition.

They're going
to love me.

I know it.

Susie, you do realize

how long Ty and I have
been saving to buy a house?

Not as long
as I've been your sister,

who has never
asked you

for a single thing
in her whole life.

Okay, a couple of things,
but nothing this important.

Oh, all right.

But Mom, Dad and Ty
never find out

I'm doing this, okay?

Come on, before
the bank closes.

You still got that
sequined halter top?

Don't press
your luck, girl.

Come on, Chuck,
how long does it take

to copy your butt?

I wasn't sure
if I was letter or legal size.

[ machine humming]

Tommy, is it me, or does
this mole look like Phil?

I'll take your
word for it.

Let's get out
of here.

Oh, this is so great.

Pangborn's going to freak

when he looks up and
sees this hanging on his wall

instead of his diploma.

That's the plan?

No way, Chuck.

Posting your butt as
the lunch special is one thing,

but breaking
into Pangborn's office

is taking this
to another level.

Exactly.

Isn't it awesome?

So close to getting caught,
but free to carry on.

Always one step ahead
of Slam Bang.

I've never felt
so alive!

We're dead.

Perfect.

It'll be worth every
penny-- you'll see.

Here's the address
and the time.

I've never been
this excited.

Well,
you should be,

because this is
your last day

as the old
Susie Carmichael.

Tomorrow your life
is going to change forever.

PANGBORN:
So the whole point

was to take some risks
and break Chuck out

of some pathetic little rut
he's in?

That's right, sir.

I figured he'd chicken out.

But I didn't.

So whatever you do,
don't go easy on us.

Good one, Chuckie.

Pickles, did I say
you could talk again?

Those slightly irregular
basketball shoes

and low-fat,
soft-serve ice cream

were school property,

not to mention the abuse
of equipment

to photocopy
your dimpled hindquarters.

That looks like Phil!

I thought so, too.

Silence!

What painful punishment can I...

Oopsy.

You don't want
to get accidentally squashed

by mean Mr. Tape Dispenser,
now, do you?

Wh-what, you've never seen
compassion for animals before?

Now, where was I?

[ cracking knuckles]

You were going to lay

a gruesome,
painful punishment on us.

Might I suggest the cobra clutch
or the gorilla press?

"Oopsy"?

"Mean Mr. Tape Dispenser"?

Oh, all right, all right,
you caught me.

Maybe I have
this whole other side

yearning to take risks, too.

Thanks for the update.

Now, about
the spinning cobra clutch...

People think I'm this evil,
magnificent wrestling dude,

but there are
things about me

that no one knows,

like the fact that I spend my
nights curled up by the fireside

writing my poetry.

What?!

He means we
love poetry.

Do not!

You want to hear some?

No, I want to limp out of here
in a neck brace!

I call this one
"Sugar Rainbows."

"Sugar rainbows sparkle
in the light

"as leprechauns giggle
in their green tights.

"I sit at one end
and hold my pot of gold,

"which turns out to be
all the smart things

I've been told."

What do you think?

Well, it's, uh,
like nothing
I've ever heard.

You really think it's that good?

Totally.

In fact, you should
perform some of it

at Chuck's dad's
talent night.

Really?!
Tommy!

No, they'll love this stuff.

Well, Finster,
tell your folks to book me in.

Not until I'm twisted up

like a Bavarian pretzel
howling for mercy.

Redheaded freckle boy
crying out for attention,

though all that he wanted
was a little detention.

You're a little young
to be renting it,
don't you think?

I'm meeting someone--

Beverly Jones.

I have a singing audition
for a record company

at this address, see?

Record company?

Aw, jeez, not again.

Sorry to tell
you this,

but there's never been
a record company here.

This place has been empty
for months.

Should I call your mom and dad?

Oh, boy.

It was k*lling me
to wait,

but I didn't want
to jinx it

by showing up too soon.

So how'd it go?

Were tons of people there?

Did they sign you
to a -year contract?

It didn't.

There weren't.

No.

Okay, like,
please make some sense.

I let someone talk me
into thinking I had talent,

but what she
was really trying to do

was talk me out
of $,,

which she did.

No one showed up--
no one!

There was never
any record deal!

I got conned, okay?!

Oh, no.

She sure picked
the perfect person.

I was just
talented enough

for her to trick me
into believing

I actually had what it took
to make it big.

You still do.

She took enough money
for one serious shopping spree,

but she didn't take
your talent.

You'll feel better
when you sing tonight.

I am not singing tonight.

Maybe not ever again!

ALISA:
I should have gone with you

and checked this woman out.

I promise I'll pay
you back all the money.

The money!

Susie, worse things
could have happened to you

than just
losing $,, okay?

You hang out
with someone you
don't even know,

say yes to whatever
she asks you to do!

She could've taken it
a lot further

than she did!

Think about it!

Listen, as far as
the money goes,

how about you
pay me back

in ,
easy installments?

Thanks, Alisa.

At least you
learned your lesson

before this singing thing
totally messed you up.

You can get on
with the important
things in life.

But singing is
an important thing in my life.

I know, and it's a great hobby.

Hobby?!

Singing isn't just

some knitting-needle,
book-clubbing thing

I do in my spare time.

It's who I am.

It's what I've
always wanted.

And... and still do.

And I'm not going
to let some con artist

in a fake designer suit
stop me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a gig.

Dig?

CHAS:
And, uh, did you hear what
one eye said to the other?

"Don't look now, but
something between us smells."

[ chuckling]

[ coughing]

Smells... Nose.

Is this mike on?

PANGBORN:
"And the froggy slithered

"into my hat,
my hat on my head,

where the froggies
just dithered."

AUDIENCE:
Boo!

Boo!

Give the guy a break.

Hey, he's not
giving mea break.

Where's Susie?

She should have
been here by now.

Talk about unprofessional.

Face it, you're looking
at your warm-up act

and headliner.

Chas, you got to get him
off the stage

before furniture
starts a-flying.

You don't think they'd
throw furniture, do you?

Are you nuts?!

That's Slam Bang Pangborn.

He'd throw it at them!

AUDIENCE:
Boo!

Uh, Mr. Slam Bang, sir,
would you mind stepping...

[ ribs cracking]

...off the stage?

Take your mitts off that brave

and gentle distributor
of caffeinated beverages,

you big galoot!

[ groaning]

Let's go.

One, two, three, four.

♪ Can't help it, boy

♪ My heart's got call waiting

♪ Don't want you to be
the only one I'm dating ♪

♪ Oops, got to put you on hold

♪ Oops, got to put
you on hold ♪

♪ And when our cars
went bump, bump, baby... ♪

Oh,
I knew you'd come.

She didn't steal
my talent, right?

No, but someone
stole hers.

[ crowd booing]

ANGELICA:
♪ And when our cars
went bump, bump, baby ♪

♪ My heart went
thump, thump, baby. ♪

Ouch!

[ crowd booing]

BOY:
Give us our money back!

Get up there before
she incites a riot.

[ music starts]

♪ I was feeling real shattered

♪ But my dreams,
they still matter ♪

♪ So if you think I'm going,
baby, you're wrong ♪

♪ I'm so strong

♪ 'Cause there's no
getting rid of this dream ♪

♪ No getting rid of it

♪ How can I tell you
what I mean? ♪

♪ Sure, I took the wrong path

♪ But then I did
some new math... ♪

Sorry things didn't
work out, sir.

So I guess it's time

to be an evil wrestling
dude again, huh?

Oh, my naive friend.

And to think the new me
is all your doing.

Well,
I want to thank you.

You inspired me to reveal
the inner poetic me

with your whole
dumb risk-taking thing,

which reminds me,
tomorrow you hoodlums

will be chiseling off
the dried glue

from the boys' room ceiling.

That's it?

No spinning toehold?

No figure-four
leg lock?

You haven't gotten this danger
thing out of your system?

Not a chance.

I'm not finished flirting
with danger

and it's not finished
flirting with me.

Oh, great, what's next--
robbing a bank?

Something even
more dangerous.

I am going to
walk right up
to Marcy Mazerez

and say...

[ bashfully]:
Hi.

SUSIE:
♪ There's no getting rid
of this dream ♪

♪ 'Cause there's no getting rid
of this dream ♪

♪ No getting rid of it

♪ How can I tell you
what I mean? ♪

CHUCKIE:
No, I want to limp out of here
in a neck brace!