05x03 - Driving, Dating and Deceit

[bunniefuu]

Hey, have you seen Ben's
nose-hair trimmer?

Oh, it's not really
a shareable tool, Dad.

I'm not gonna put it up my nose.

I need it to trim
the little bumps off my sweater.

I can't stop playing with them.

I-I'm gonna end up making a hole.

Hey, um, come take a look

at what I just found on Mark's computer.

You shouldn't be looking
at your kid's computer.

But if it's p*rn,
it's not that big a deal

to find sexy pictures of some guy.

Or Angie Dickinson.

No, it's not that.

It's a spreadsheet of his
top ten picks of colleges.

Don't tell him I was snooping,

but there's eight that are
on the East and West Coast

and there's only two that are close by.

Well, I don't know
how you feel about that,

but I think it's great
he wants to get away from home

and experience something new.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Well, I'm glad you see it that way,

because the more you try
to keep your kid home,

I promise you, that makes them
want to leave even more.

Yeah. Why would I do that?
Leaving home is healthy.

Exactly! And you know what's even worse?

Sometimes when you tell them
to stay, they do.

You know what? When you look at it...

New York, Seattle, San Francisco...

These are all fun cities.

I don't quite get Delaware,

but I guess what happens there
stays there

'cause no one really knows where it is.

- What you guys doing in here?
- Talking about me?

You got something to say,
you can say it to my face!

We weren't, but you're annoying.

There. You happy?

I just heard voices upstairs.

I thought maybe something interesting

might be happening without me.

Nope. Darlene was showing me
Mark's list of colleges.

Almost all of them are as far
away from Lanford as you can get.

[Quietly] And his mother.

Oh. Ohh. Is she okay with that?

She says she is,
but I see a huge asteroid

hurtling towards us.

Hey. What's going on?
I heard voices upstairs.

I thought something
interesting was happening.

That the last pudding cup?

Yes.

Thanks for bringing it up.

So, Dan was telling me about Mark

picking some faraway colleges.

What?

I didn't know he was
looking at out-of-state schools.

You okay with that?

I think it's great. Why?
Do you have a problem with it?

Because it's what nature intends.

I mean, you wouldn't know that
because you don't have kids,

but they're supposed to leave the nest.

It's a big, exciting world out there.

And don't stand in his way, Ben!

Phew. What was that?

The asteroid can now be seen
by the naked eye.

Well, that made even less
sense than what she said.

And you know what? I deserve pudding

as much as anybody else in this house!

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey. You have to tell your family

to stop using my nose-hair
trimmer for other things!

Sneezed out something
navy blue yesterday.

Hey, you guys, good news! I got a job!

- Hey! Alright!
- Wow!

A job?

Huh! You went out
and got one on your own?

That's unusual in this family.

Not, like, court-mandated or anything?

[Laughs]

Well, so, what's the job?

What, are you a ticket taker
at the movies?

Paper boy? A soda jerk?

I'm not a teenager in the s.

Yeah.

You do kinda dress like one.

I'm bagging groceries at the Whole Foods

- on the nice side of town.
- Oh.

All the customers wear yoga pants

and have tiny dogs in strollers.

Oh, yeah. You can tell
it was made for rich people.

In the bathrooms,
they don't even put locks

on their toilet-paper rolls.

Oh, they will after we hit 'em
a couple times.

[Laughs]

It's... It's gonna be great

for me to make money for college,

but I need to get my driver's license.

Wow.

College and driver's license and a job.

You're growing up a little fast,
aren't you?

Or it's the exact right speed. Beer?

Yeah. To growing up.

If you're worried about me, don't.

I'm gonna be a safe driver,

and you just have to
practice driving with me

so I can take the test.

We can make it fun, too.

We can drive around
historical sites in the city.

Yeah, that's a good three
or four blocks to explore.

[Silverware rattles]

Okay, driving buddy, it's a date.

Oh, I just gotta duct-tape
the side-view mirror

back on the car, and then
we are street-legal, baby!

Thank you.

Hey.

Somebody gave me tickets to
see Chicago tonight at Ravinia.

They're down to three
original members, some randos,

and a -year-old girl drummer
who's an Internet phenom!

Who wants to go?

I'm... busy.

Sorry, Becky. Ben and I
planned a date night.

Yeah, I'm out too.

Neville bought a pottery wheel,
so we're gonna...

We're gonna reenact
that scene from "Ghost."

Ugh!

What?!

I get a night with my man,

you guys get a misshapen
fruit bowl for Christmas.

Hey, why don't you take a date, Becky?

- [Doorbell rings]
- So, in your mind, I had a date,

but I'd rather go with you losers?

[Laughs] Okay.

Hey! What's up?

You want to go to a concert?

It might give the remaining three
Chicago members a reason to live.

I'd love to, but I'm just
stopping by on my way to work.

I brought you
some good news. Oh, I could use some.

These are divorce papers.

You got your green card!

I know. Isn't that great?

And now you don't have to tell people

you have a husband while you're dating.

Uh...

Oh, and look at this.

A save-the-date card for your wedding!

Right inside the divorce papers.

It's kind of like saying,
"Get out of my life

unless you're bringing me a present."

No, no, no, no. Gabriela
put on there "no presents."

We feel blessed just
to have your company.

You can bring someone if you like.

Uh, does it have to be a person?
Can it be a cat?

'Cause that's kind of where I'm headed.

Anyway, I hope you'll be there.

Thank you. But probably not.

Your wife would be jealous

because I'd be all hot and everything.

But I am gonna get you a present.

I already ordered
a one-of-a-kind fruit bowl!

You're doing great.

You mean that merge, right?

That was one hell of a merge.

Of course, this is Lanford.
Not a lot of cars to merge into.

Not like, I don't know, San Francisco.

Hills, fog, trolley cars,

you know, people diving off of bridges,

hearts that were left behind.

Now you're just saying a bunch of words.

And why'd you pick San Francisco?

No reason. It's just...

an example of a big city
with a lot of traffic.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
We're coming up to a stop sign.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready.

Okay, if you're so ready,
why are you looking at me?

Because you keep
talking to me. Mark, slow down!

Slow down! Damn it!
You just rolled through a stop sign!

If you'd have done that
in San Francisco,

you could've rolled right over a hippie!

Why are you yelling at me?

Well, I'm sorry, but if you're
so anxious to be independent,

then you have to pay attention.

People are crazy.

They're... They're
watching TikTok videos

and they're texting,
and then there are those guys

that are dancing and
spinning signs on every corner.

It's hard not to watch.
Some of them are really talented.

I know, but you're stressing me out!

You have to calm down.

I am fine!

I am fine, okay?! Now just drive!

And remember that any mistake
you make in this car

could be your last, okay?

And you could take someone with you.

[Quietly] I know who I'd like it to be.

If you're mumbling death threats,

then you're not focusing on the road.

[♪]

Well, finally did it.
I joined a dating app.

Oh, good for you.

Whose dog are you holding
in your profile picture?

Oh. I took that picture
down at the shelter.

They let you hold them and everything.

It's a good way to reel in
the nice guys.

And I'll adopt Lucky
if I find a guy with a house,

but it's got to be within three weeks.

There's a bit of a clock on Lucky.

Worst reality show ever.

"Marry Me or the Dog Gets It."

But I am happy you're
finally moving on from Aldo.

Yeah, it was hard, but, uh,

I've already been texting
with this one guy.

He seems cool. His name's Steve.

How old is this guy?

Late s. I think I'm gonna ask him out.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm giving a woman
a tattoo of Todd Rundgren

in a "Where's Waldo?" outfit
saying, "Hello, It's Me."

We've got a problem.

I know. Harris never pays for lunch.

No!

I went out with the guy
that Harris likes online.

I don't remember exactly how it ended,

but there was a lot of yelling
and it was really bad.

Oh, crap. You gotta warn her.
Why don't you remember?

Is that back when you were drinking?

I didn't black out
because I was too sober!

I better check him out before
Harris gets in any deeper.

Well, you know what I'd do if I was you?

I'd wear a wire.

Why? Do you think it's safer?

Ah, not really. I just wanna listen.

[♪]

- Ben!
- Hmm?

Get in here.

Where's my mom?

Oh, she's at the new house
micromanaging the electrician.

He's probably this close

to sticking his tongue
in the electrical panel.

I need you to take me
to my driving test.

Oh, Mark, now, I know your mom's
been kind of intense lately,

but being there
when you get your license

is important to her.

And I don't know if you've noticed,

but your mom's disappointment
rolls downhill.

And so, by the time it gets to me,

that ball is covered
in goat heads and barbed wire.

I-I know, but she'll make me so paranoid

and insane on the way over that
I'll freeze up and I'll fail.

Come on. You gotta help me... Dad.

[Laughs] Okay.

Oh, we're gonna play
that game, huh? Okay.

Well... look...

my youngest...

I am happy to deceive
your mother for a good cause,

but how are we gonna keep it from her?

Okay. Here's the plan.

You take me to get my license
in the morning,

and then both of you take me

to a different DMV in the afternoon.

You'll distract her while I go
outside for about minutes

and pretend to take my driving test.

Then I'll come back in,
say I passed because of her,

and the goat-head ball rolls
past you and hits Harris.

Ha. There is one thing
I can say about you Conners.

There is not an honest man amongst you.

Oh, hey. What's up? It's your day off.

I texted that guy Steve.
He's meeting me here.

Good idea. Vet him in person.
What'd you say to him?

I told him I'm sober now,
working my steps,

and I asked him to help me

fill in some of the gaps from that time.

Becky, come on.

He's never gonna admit
to the bad things he did

if he thinks you don't remember them.

Now, when I was on the force...

somebody wouldn't sing,
we'd take 'em in the back,

uh, turn off the cameras,

make him read the phone book
with his ear.

You know what I'm saying?

I do, after you acted it out.

- Hey, Becky.
- Steve!

Thank you so much for helping me out.

I gotta say, I was kinda shocked
when you texted me.

Oh. "Shocked" is an
interesting choice of words.

Why do you say that?

Well, you know,
'cause it ended so badly.

Yep. Crazy night.

But that's why you're here.

Uh, no judgment,

but I'd like to hear
how you remember that night.

Okay. Well, uh, after you drank
the half bottle of tequila,

you went outside and knocked
over a line of motorcycles.

When the bikers
confronted you, you said,

"If you don't like it,
take it up with my boyfriend.

He can kick your pansy asses."

Wow.

You didn't do anything to start that?

Because I remember you screaming at me.

I was screaming, "Becky, call the cops!

They're breaking my hand!"

Okay. That was the missing piece.

Oh. I am so sorry.

I can't believe
you even came here at all!

I really liked you before you got drunk.

Now that you're sober, I figured

I'd give you the benefit of the doubt.

I-I hope now that you've
straightened your life out,

you're happy?

Are you married?

Ha. Funny you should ask.

My second husband just served
me divorce papers yesterday.

And the first one's dead.

Sounds like I got off easy
with just a shattered hand.

[Laughs]

Hey, uh, what about a do-over?

Any chance you wanna grab dinner?

Wow. I'm flattered,
but I wouldn't want to

come between anybody you
were thinking of asking out.

You know? A fresh start
instead of a retread.

I'm texting a couple people,
but nobody serious.

Come on. I've had three
surgeries on my hand.

You at least owe me a meal.

Oh, I guess I do.

Great.

Uh, you know what we need?

Is some sugar.

We haven't ordered anything.

Oh, and, um, coffee to put the sugar in.

Be right back.

What's the verdict?
He a good guy for Harris?

I don't know. I was the one
who caused all the problems.

Mm. Okay.

I'm gonna try and act surprised
and make you feel good.

It was you?!

There's that love and support
that helped me get sober.

Anyway...

I didn't really get a chance
to feel him out yet.

He asked me out for dinner.
That's a bad idea, right?

Harris is really vulnerable right now.

Look, just because you were
a bad person back then

doesn't mean
that he's a good person now.

You got to check him out.

You got to help her make a good choice.

Oh, yeah. Good choices
are what I'm all about.

I'm your gal!

[♪]

I wonder how the driving test is going.

Mark was so confident
when he went out to take it.

Well, that's on you for being
such an incredible teacher.

Huh?

If I was you, I would feel proud.

And nothing else right now.

Oh, crap.

I just remembered
my left turn signal's out.

I better let somebody know

so Mark doesn't lose any points for it.

No, no. Hey, hey. Don't worry
about Mark. He's smart.

When he goes to put on that turn signal,

he'll just make that clicking
sound with his tongue.

Tck-tck-tck-tck. They'll never know.

Excuse me. Um, my son is taking
his driving test right now,

- and I'm wondering...
- What's your son's name?

Oh. Uh, Mark Conner-Healy.

Okay.

[Keyboard clacking]

Says here that your son
took the test at : a.m.

this morning and passed it.

How 'bout that, Ben?

I'm such a good teacher

that Mark passed his test
before he even got here.

Before you do anything, look around.

There's a lot of cameras in here.

I passed! Thanks for all your help, Mom.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Ben, stop gesturing.

I know you went to take the test
this morning with him.

God. You had one lie and you fell apart.

I am sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry I didn't lie to her better.

I'm going to the vending machine
to eat my shame.

Why did you ask him
to take you to your test?

Because every time
I got in the car with you,

you turned into the "Whiplash" guy.

It's like I was doing something wrong.

I'm just trying to
save money for college.

Well, you better get paid in euros,

'cause for all I know, your
safety schools are in Europe.

What are you talking about?

I saw the spreadsheet on your computer.

Most of the places you're applying to

are as far away from me as you can get.

Is... Is that why
you've been acting so crazy?

Was I that horrible of a mom
that you just have to get away?

No. No, no. It's not about you at all.

Mom, I'm a gay kid
in a tiny town in the Midwest.

It's not about getting away from you.

It's about getting away from here.

Didn't you move away to Chicago
to get away from Lanford?

Well, yeah, but my mom
wasn't as great as yours is.

And I always could
drive back on the weekends.

I feel like I'm never gonna see you.

Mom, you know, you didn't just
teach me how to drive away.

You also taught me how to drive back.

With flares and protective
weather gear in the trunk

and bear repellent
in the glove compartment.

Do you know how many people
get eaten by bears

on their way to college every year?

Alright. How about you drive us home?

Okay!

But if you start to make me
nervous, I will push you out.

Do you know how many moms
get k*lled every year

being pushed out of a moving car
by their son?

All of them.

[♪]

Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.

Sorry! Just going out! Can't talk!

You're going out now? It's : .

He works the graveyard shift.

At a fancy Italian restaurant.

- Night night!
- Wait.

I wanted to talk to you
about that guy Steve.

He started ghosting me.
Why do you think he would do that?

I mean, we were getting along great,

and all of a sudden
he just stops texting me.

I don't know what I did wrong.

Don't start blaming yourself.

Aldo's the only guy I've ever
had a real relationship with,

so maybe only stupid guys like me.

[Sighs]

Don't go there.

Okay? You're amazing!

Maybe he met somebody else.

Maybe somebody he has a history with.

I'm sure you're better than
whoever he shared dinner with.

Which was me.

I'm sorry. What?!

Steve and I went out a long time ago,

back when I was drinking.

And I knew it ended badly,

but I couldn't remember
whose fault it was.

I swear, I had the best of intentions.

Is that why you're wearing a dress

where your intentions are all
pushed up for everyone to see?!

Screw you.

You're gonna wake up Beverly Rose.

Aunt Becky stole a guy
that I was talking to online!

No. You're absolutely wrong.

Your aunt only went out with him

to make sure he wasn't a bad guy.

If you did something wrong,

now would be a really good time
to tell me.

Harris is right. I shouldn't
have gone out with him.

I am so sorry.

What were you thinking?!

I wasn't!

I got divorce papers,

and I guess I was
feeling sorry for myself

because everybody around me is in love.

Even Darlene, for God's sake.

You don't know what doing worse
than Darlene does to me.

Harris, uh, there's no alternative here.

You're gonna have to hate her forever.

I know what you're doing,

and I'm not gonna hate you forever.

Life coach.
You don't lose those muscles.

Look, if you want me
to stop seeing him, I will.

No way. I don't want him now.

I'm not taking your leftovers.

Then what can I do
to make this up to you?

That was a really crappy thing you did,

even if you are old and desperate.

So old, so desperate.

And, I mean, you see me

and I'm so young, I'm so beautiful,

and I've got my whole life ahead of me.

And I'm at the end.

I've got more yesterdays than tomorrows.

Tell me the truth.

Am I missing out on a great guy?

Well, I don't know.
It was only one dinner.

Fine. Go out with him.

It doesn't matter to me.

I've got a few hits on the app anyway.

Did you go out with him, too?

No.

Does he have a twin?

[Engine idling, door opens]

Drive, drive, drive!

[Tires squeal]

[Breathing heavily]

[Sighs] Ohh.

Oh, it's like a cloud.

I have shirts that aren't this soft.

This is our stash.

The rest of the family uses the one-ply.

Oh, yeah.

Just when you think you're out,
they pull you back in.

[Sighs]