04x01 - Separate But Equal

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ You.

Nothing will keep me
from the tomb of Daz.

Take that, you freaky bird!

The Atomic Mime card!

[ evil laughter]

You fool!

You walked
right into my trap.

The Saul-Cano?!

Yes!

Be very afraid.

For no single card
can take out the beast

which is half stand-up comic,
half volcano.

Princess Nioko can.

Princess Nioko is powerless
without the Third Eye card.

LIL:We know!

Oh, blast!

Boy, am I hot!

How hot are you?How hot are you?

I am so hot I need a potholder
to pick my nose.

[ groans]
[ groans]

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
You have successfully completed
level five.

[ cheering]

Wrap it up, folks.

We still have to hit
the festivity pavilion

to finalize plans
for your party.

Oh, we already
know what we want:

Red Mirror dragon napkins,

Princess Nioko invites...

And unlimited passes
for all rides,
including...

BOTH:
Saul-Cano's Head expl*si*n!

[ tittering]

This is going to be
our best birthday party ever.

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
I know you've got to go,

but please, come back soon.

You know...
I've seen her
a million times,

but I never noticed
until now...

that hologram is hot.

Oh, you kids
are growing up so fast.

Speaking of growing up,

Lil, you and I have
some serious business

to take care of.

Look at this selection!

It's like a smorgasbord of bras!

Keep it down, Betty.

I think the girls
want to keep

this experience
discreet.

Hey, I'm like that
-hour girdle over there--

"discreet's" my middle name.

KIMI:
Come on, let's get it over with.

It can't get any worse.

Ooh, look, Lil,
matching panties!

Lil?

Kimi?

Where'd they go?

[ over intercom]:
Lil Deville, please meet
your mother at Junior Bras!

How long do you think
we can hold these positions?

How about forever?

[ grunting]

Kids, do you have to make
such a scene?

LIL:
Man, this thing's like
a double-barreled slingshot.

[ snapping]Ow!

Are you wearing one
to school tomorrow?

I was going to wait
till your party,

which, by the way,
is going to be awesome.

Historically speaking,
Deville birthday parties
reign supreme!

Today...
is a joyous rite of passage.

You stepped into that
dressing room a girl,

but you came out... a woman.

TOMMY:
So we'll be able to go

on any ride we want

as many times as we want?

[ grunts]

That's the deal.

Ever since my addiction,

you might say I'm tempting fate
by going anywhere near

Yu-Gotta-Go anything.

But this party's
going to be epic!

[ grunts]

You guys ever notice

that Princess Nioko
is kind of a hottie?

Uh, with or without
her third eye?

[ hits ball]With!

Oh, yeah.

Very hot.

If you stand
on the third step

you can see through her robe.

Chuckie,
she's a hologram.

You can see through
her everything.

[ grunts]

It's weird-- you know,
up until a week ago

I always thought of girls

as boys
you weren't allowed to punch.

But... they've changed.

They haven't changed,
you've changed.

Me?! Naw!

I'm still the same old
Hit-'em-Out-of-the-Park Phil.

[ woman screams]

[ gasps; thuds on floor]

What are we going to do?

Vampire-proof the castle
immediately.

Now that your wife has been
bitten twice,

it's only a matter of time
before the return.

And if she is thrice bitten,
she'll become one of the undead.

I'm going to have
a vampire for a wife?

[ thud]

Well, look at the bright side:
She'll look young forever.

[ laughing]

This is the
cheesiest movie ever!

Keep it down, Dil,
you're going to get...

DIDI:
Busted?

Dil, what are the rules
about watching horror movies?

Uh... not until I'm ten.

Unless it's really lame,

in which case nine
is acceptable?

[ breaks wind]

TOMMY:
Spike!

Nope, that was me.

Yeah... that'll hold her.

Oh, I'd better go now--

give you two some time
to get to know each other.

Mom, I'm...

[ gasps]
[ yells]

[ screaming]

Good morning,
sunshine.

What's so good about it?

No sleep, eh?

I can't believe
you got so scared

at such a lame movie.

If you don't buy
the vampire angle,

what's your explanation?

I'm open to suggestions.

You drew it on
just to mess with us.

Would I do
something like that?

Of course I would.

But I didn't.

Hey, I'm as skeptical
as the next guy,

but these bite marks
are the real deal.

Two days to the big
blow-out, huh, Phil?

Yup.

I can't wait.

Hey, do I need
to RSVP?

I got it.

Everything okay?

You don't seem
that amped up
about the party.

I am, it's just that...

Nothing.

What's the deal, Phil?

We're more excited
about your party
than you are.

I'm excited.

It's just that...

Nothing.

Hey, where you going?

I've only been
bitten once!

Oh, you people are paranoid.

The Yu-Gotta-Go folks
need a decision by tonight.

I want
an ice cream cake.

Well,
I want cupcakes.

Of course you want cupcakes.

What's that
supposed to mean?

[ gasps]

Oh, grow up!

You grow up!

Both of you grow up

and make a decision
by the time I get back,

or it's zucchini bread
with the carrot frosting!

Why didn't you tell me?

Tell you what?

That you're a girl.

That I'm living
in the same house

with a girl!

You're a freak.

You're one to talk.

You're the one who's
wearing one of those...

those... girl things

that... that girls wear!

A what, Philip?

A what?!

A bra?!

[ yells]

My ears are burning!

BETTY:
That's it,
I'm picking the cake.

Then pick two,

'cause I want separate
birthdays this year.

Fine, and I want
my own party, too...

and my own cake,

with nice, pink,
lacy cupcakes!

[ Phil screams]

[ yells]

Does this girl thing
have anything to do

with this separate birthday
situation?

Which, by the way,
I'm still protesting.

Protest all you want,
it's a done deal.

But no Yu-Gotta-Go World,
no epic party?

How can you do this to us?

I don't even want
to be in the same
room with Lil,

much less share
a party pavilion.

Why?

It's just...

the other day I saw her...

Oh, forget it!

If that's
the way you want it--

but you're risking
your reputation.

That's true.

To date, no one else
has ever thrown a party

that lives up
to a Deville extravaganza.

Remember the
all-you-can-eat
taquito bash?

[ groans]

Like it was yesterday.

But who could forget
the m*rder mystery beach party

complete with
dismembered corpse?

Hey, not me.

I still have
my bloody foot.

Lil and I have had
some classic parties,
haven't we?

Maybe I'll reconsider.

[ snickering]

There's something

static-clinged
to the back of your shirt.

What is it, a sock?

[ laughing]

[ screams]

It's one of Lil's bras!

Get it off me!
Get it off me!
Get it off me!

[ laughing]

The separate-party
mandate stands.

Sorry, Pablo,
but it must be done.

The animals are always
the first to go.

[ grunting]

KIMI:
That box, Wally.

So, what are we looking for?

Sleeping bags-- my slumber party
is going to be in the house.

Freako's is in the yard.

Oh, I can't believe
you're going to deny me

my first Deville party.

Give it up, girls.

You're not talking me out of it.

What a shame-- you and Phil
used to be so close

you dressed alike.

Now you're having
separate birthdays.

[ screaming]

Check me out.

I'm going to catch it!

[ screaming]

[ laughing]

[ groans]

Maybe I'll reconsider
about the party.

[ bicycle bell rings]

Hey, Lil, cool T-shirt.

Thanks, Sammy.

Nice... bike.

Thanks.

Hey, stay away from my sister!

Whoa, whoa!

Phil, why did
you do that?!

Uh... I don't know.

But I'd do it again!

Kimi, I have reconsidered,

and separate parties
is the only way to go.

Don't you think
it's kind of weird

that Dil still takes naps?

Oh, it's weirder than that.

He stays up all night
and sleeps during the day.

He thinks
he's a vampire.

CHUCKIE:
He does look

kind of chalky.

[ gasps]

GIRL:
You're only supposed to leave

this clay junk on
for minutes.

How long has it been?

Two hours.

Why isn't this makeover stuff
as fun as it used to be?

[ laughing]

How about a game
of "Truth Or Dare?"

Okay, I'll go first.

Dare.

I dare you to merge parties
with the guys.

Not happening.

Aw... why not?

It looks like
they're having a blast!

I would, but the thing is,

Phil's been acting
so weird lately.

[ growls]

Ever since I got a bra.

It's, like, changed everything.

You got a bra?

Does it hurt?

Why would it hurt?

I don't know.

Shaving your legs hurts.

Your mom lets you
shave your legs?

My mom said I have to wait
until I'm .

Fourteen.

Married.

I'm really not
that into growing up.

But if we don't grow up,
we'd be freaks.

No, we'd be boys.

[ all laughing]

[ cracking]

Ow.
Ow.
Ow.Ow.

CHUCKIE:
Can we go in now?

It's too cold out here.

And too buggy.

And too cramped.

Bet you anything the girls are
having more fun than we are.

Why don't we swing
into Tommy's house,

watch his little bro
turn into a vampire.

Aw, come on, guys.

Hey, how about a game
of "Yu-Gotta-Go"?

Is it just me,

or is that Princess Nioko
hologram kind of hot?

[ all agreeing]

McT, you use deodorant already?

Since last month.

I've been using it
since last year.

Well, I've been using it
since birth.

[ sniffs]

I wish.

[ all laughing]

Well, I have an armpit hair.

No way-- let's see!

I pulled it out.

But, I'm keeping it
in a jar back home.

Ew!
Ew!
Ew!Ew!

Hey, come on, let's go see
what the girls are up to.

Give it up!
Go!
Yeah!

Okay, okay, wait.

I'll tell you what.

I don't want to party
with the girls,

but I am open to prankingthem!

[ all laughing and agreeing]

[ girls singing with song]:
♪ Baby, baby,
how can I call you ♪

♪ When I don't even
know your name? ♪

♪ Maybe you should-a
gave me your number ♪

♪ Baby, I'm not the one...

♪ To blame

♪ Not the one!

[ camera shutter clicking]

[ screams]

[ all scream]

Phil, I'm going to k*ll you!

[ screams]

[ thudding]

[ gently]:
Are you hurt?

No.

Too bad!

[ all laughing]

That was
wicked awesome!

Beats Yu-Gotta-Go World
hands down.

Oh, this is just a warm-up.

McT, you still have that
wireless Internet hookup?

Watch and learn, boys.

I'm about to out-prank myself.

Feel free to take notes.

I can't believe
he got pictures

of me with my hair
like this.

What a jerk!

Chill-lax, Lil,
so a couple of guys see us

with junk on our faces.

Big deal.

COMPUTER:
Mail call.
Mail call.

[ computer beeping]

Oh, no, your brother
sent out this file

as a mass e-mail
to everyone in school.

Make that every school
in the country.

Correction-- every school
in the world.

He spammed it
to the World Wide Pen Pal site.

This... means... w*r.

DIDI:
Dil?

Open the door, please.

DIL:Can't.

Don't worry,
you'll thank me later

when I don't
sink my fangs

into your
lily-white neck.

Oh, Dil Pickles,
open this door right now.

Last name, eh?

Guess you mean business.

[ latch unlocks]

It's for your own protection.

Is this one of
my tomato stakes?

Looks like somebody
watched a movie

he was forbidden to see.

Somebody who is also late
for Phil's party.

But if I go outside,

I'll risk being
thrice bitten.

Honey, you know there's
no such thing as vampires.

How can such a smart woman
be so naive?

Go on.

A social gathering's
the perfect thing

to take your mind
off monsters.

Fine. Send me out there.

I just hope you're satisfied
when you have a son

who's one of
the undead!

As long as you make your coffin
every morning,

I'm fine with it!

We can egg their tent!

Lame compared to what
they did to us.

[ doorbell rings]

Who is it?

It's Dil.

You got to let me in.

We can't trust you.

You're one of them.

I'm not a vampire yet.

No-- a boy!

It's an
emergency.

[ grunts]

Swear on the life
of your goldfish Pablo

that the boys didn't
put you up to this.

I swear.

I'm sorry I crashed your party,
but...

I got no place else to go!

Why aren't you in the tent
with the guys?

Can't be outdoors.

One more bite and it's open
season on anything with a neck.

In case things get ugly.

[ laughing]

See it and weep,
ladies:

fresh bite marks.

No doubt about it...

you've been bitten.

By fleas.

Those are flea bites,
all right.

Been hanging around
with any dogs lately?

Spike.

Best pillow a guy could ask for.

Oh, well, that's a relief.

Except... I was looking forward
to the whole

being-able-to-turn-
into-a-bat-and-fly thing.

So you're not
a real vampire,

but are you interested
in playing one for a night?

Color me intrigued.

Girls?

I believe we have found
our prank.

To the attic!

[ girls laughing]

And then, the old woman
came lurking around the corner.

And as she opened her eyes...

all the kids could see were
empty eye sockets.

The teenagers screamed in terror
and ran for their lives.

Until they came upon
a field of... ponies!

Sweet, friendly, nice ponies

who were waiting to carry them
all back to safety.

[ laughing]

DIL:
Knock-knock.

[ all scream]

Guys, it's me, Dil.

Can I come in?

Should we let him in?

No way!

You guys are being
ridiculous.

[ yells]

What's the problem?
They don't want to let you in--

in case you're a vampire.

Funny thing about
those vampire marks.

Turns out they were flea bites.

Man, if you could see
the egg on my face.

Told you so.

[ laughing menacingly]

[ all gasp]

[ bat shrieks; boys scream]

[ laughing]

[ screaming]

[ bat shrieking]

[ whistles]

[ boys screaming;
girls laughing]

[ screaming]

That's for the bat!

You okay,
Chuckie?

Sorry, man,
I meant to get Lil.

Nice going,
Philip!

You started it,
Lillian!

[ gasps]

I did not, you did!

I think I'm going to call my mom
and tell her to pick me up.

What do you say, Bat Boy,
want to head home?

Yeah, this party's like
my career as a vampire--

a total bust.

This is all your fault,
you know.

My fault?

You're the one
who wanted separate parties!

[ sighs]

[ glumly]:
Happy birthday.

You, too.

I guess I'm like...
you know...

sorry.

It's just ever since
the bra incident,

I felt weird around you.

Me, too!

I always thought you and me
were the same,

but we're not.

You're a girl.

I don't understand
girls.

I don't understand boys,
either.

But you know what?

Since I am a girl,

I could be your
girls-to-boys translator.

I never thought of it
that way,

but works for me.

And if there's ever
a guy you're into

and you need advice...

I don't want to know about it.

[ sighs]

Who knew growing up was
such a pain in the butt?

Tell me about it.

You?

Guys have it much harder
than girls--

our voices go whack,
we get nose hair

and we have to shave.

Please-- guys only shave
their faces.

Girls have to shave
two whole legs.

That's a lot more real estate
than a measly face.

Well, at least
we don't have to worry

about that junk
for a while.

Yeah.

There's really
only one thing

to worry about
right now.

What is that?

How we're going to eat
an entire cake by ourselves.

[ laughing]

[ both groaning]

I feel sick.

Maybe Mom has something
we can take.

Mom, Lil and I ate
too much...

[ screams]

[ gasps]

I'm blind!

I'm blind!

DIL:
You'll thank me later,

when I don't sink my fangs
into your lily-white neck.