01x05 - Diamond Fever/The Pet

[bunniefuu]

♪ One fine day
with a woof and a purr ♪

♪ a baby was born
and it caused a little stir ♪

♪ no blue bug
and no three-eyed frog ♪

♪ just a feline, canine,
little catdog ♪

♪ catdog... catdog... ♪

♪ alone in the world
was a little catdog ♪

♪ out on the road
or back in town ♪

♪ all kind of critters
putting catdog down ♪

♪ got to rise above it,
got to try to get along ♪

♪ got to walk together,
got to sing this song ♪

♪ catdog... catdog... ♪

♪ alone in the world
was a little catdog ♪

♪ catdog... catdog... ♪

♪ alone in the world
was a little catdog. ♪

( Growling, woman screaming )

( Chain saw buzzing )

( Screams )

( Woman screaming )

( Man laughs maliciously )

( Stammering )

Tell me when it's over.

( Growling )

( Panting )

( Heavy footsteps thudding )

( Screams )

Toothpick head!

( Growls )

Who bit my bologna?

( Screaming )

( Glass shatters )

( Laughing evilly )

( Door creaks, slams )

( Both panting )

( Growling )

Mold-- bread's worst enemy.

( Doorbell rings )

( Growling )

( Trembling )

( Both screaming )

It's toothpick head,
he's going to get you.

( Screams )

( Growling )

( Glass breaks )

( Gasps )

Back, evil sandwich!

( Laughing )

( Cawing )

The toaster-- it's the only way
to destroy him!

Dog:
Yeah, the toaster, the toaster,
the toaster!

( Growls )

( Muffled yelling )

( Zapping, sizzling )

( Laughs )

He's toast.

Whew.

( Coughing )

( Crashes )

It's over.

It's finally over.

( Giggling )

Cat:
But who will be
his next victims?

( Laughing heartily )

( Snoring )

( Thunder crashes )

( Clears throat )

( Panting, stammering )

Toothpick head!

Will you give me that?

don't be silly.

Toothpick head is just
a make-believe movie monster.

Now go back to sleep
and snore right.

Okay, okay.
Geez.

( Whimpering )

Relax, dog.

It's just
your imagination
running wild.

I bet you think
toothpick head

left these bread crumbs.

Uh-uh, un-uh.

Oh, and i suppose this jar
of mustard is for his bologna?

Ha!

Oh, and these, these...
Toothpicks.

There's hundreds and thousands

and millions
of toothpicks.

You're right, buddy.

I feel much better now.

Sweet dreams, pal.

( Snoring )

Garbage, garbage.

Truck, truck.

Garbage, garbage.

Truck, truck.

( Thunder rumbling )

( Teeth chattering )

Cat:
This is absurd.

This is positively ridiculous.

Toothpick head is making my life
a nervous wreck.

My life is a living heck,
is what it is.

I can't believe
I'm stuck doing this.

All right, let's see.

Mold, it's got to be
in here somewhere.

( Screams )

Oh, it's you.

You're always sneaking up on me.

Cat, what are
you doing?

Uh... well

i, I'm just making
a midnight snack.

( Laughs nervously )

Why are you wearing
a toaster

around your neck?

Duh! So i don't have
to walk to the counter!

Stupid question.

Mmm...

( Laughs )

Mmm, moldy.

Moldy toast, yum.

( Door creaks, slams )

Sheesh, this place reeks
of toothpick head.

I got to get out of here.

Winslow, there's nothing to be
afraid of.

Right, cat?

( Choking back vomit )

( Puking violently )

Yeah, right.

Uh-huh.

( Giggling )

Okay, it's your funeral.

Wait, wait,
wait a second.

Are you a-scared
of toothpick head?

No.

Yes!

( Screaming )

( Laughing evilly )

( Springs popping )

( Both shouting )

Who turned out
the lights?

Shh, shh, quiet.

( Soft skittering )

Did you hear that?

( Banging )

( Laughing )

( Growling )

( Yawning )

( Yells )

( Sniffing )

Cat, d-do you smell that?

Smells like... some kind
of a meat by-product

like olive loaf
or salami or...

Both:
Bologna!

( Both scream )

Toothpick head!

Who bit my bologna again?

Mold, bread's worst enemy!

( Footsteps approaching )

Back, evil sandwich!

( Laughing evilly )

att*ck, att*ck!

"Back in five minutes"?!

The toaster, it's the only way
to destroy him.

( Muffled yelling )

( Zapping, sizzling )

( Both gasp )

Winslow!
Winslow!

( Cackling )

Or is it?

Enough, already!

( All laughing... )

That was great.

( Laughing goofily )

Yeah, you got us,
but good.

( Snickers )

Well, he got you good, you mean.

( Clears throat )

Well, okay,
i admit

i was a tiny bit
scared

when you turned
out the lights.

I didn't turn out the lights.

( Thunder rumbling )

( All screaming )

( Cackling )

Oldest trick in the book.

( Door opens )

( Screams )

Second oldest trick in the book.

( Birds chirping )

( Schmaltzy polka
music playing )

( Yawns loudly )

( Engines revving )

Man:
...Tons of pure hopping power

that's guaranteed
to drive you out of your mind!

( Turns up polka music )

Man:
Hopping haunches is four
hydraulic-powered monkeys

capable of miles per hour.

And here comes the turbo hopper,
hopping horsepower.

He's a bad boy!

( Volume increasing... )

And there they go!

They're literally ripping
up the track.

Can you feel the power?

( Blaring polka... )

I said power, power, power!

Oh, hopping haunches!

( Engines revving )

TV announcer:
Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday!

( Rumbling, crackling... )

( Music, TV silent )

This is not working.

What do you mean,
cat?

We can't agree
on anything.

I disagree, i think
we can agree.

See, we can't even agree
to disagree on disagreeing.

Look at the two of youse.

You can't get together
on nothing.

Hiya, winslow.

You guys got to learn
to solve your problems

the civilized, Democratic way,
by voting.

I took the Liberty
of defining some
of your issues.

Hmm, classical polka
versus hopping trucks.

Classical polka, naturally.

Intelligent conversation
versus mindless drivel.

( Whining like jet )

( Dog imitates g*ns blasting )

Uh, kaboom!

Okay, you guys.

The polls are closed.

Let's see, the Democratic
process triumphs again.

Not! It's a deadlock.

You know what they say.

They say,
"what the heck's a deadlock?"

No, "a house divided
can't stand."

See you!

Huh. Deadlocked, huh?

Democracy.

The majority rules.

Dog cancels out my vote.

If i could vote twice...

Nyah-hah!

Yeah, if i could vote twice...

Oh, dog?

My dear old friend

i have a plan that
will un-skewer us

from the horns
of our seemingly
hopeless dilemma.

Huh? Uh, whatever.

Good answer.

( Creatures chatting )

Good day.
Please state your name.

My name?

Uh, yes, of course.

Uh, my name is--

( clears throat,
chuckles nervously )

Well, it's a funny thing,
uh...

( Clears throat )

It's, uh...

( Loud heartbeat... )

It's a tough one.

I can't remember.

( Whimpering )

( Yells )

Cat:
Thank you so much.

Next!

I absolutely, positively,
% am not a kleptomaniac.

( Buzzer, yelling )

My likes are like, you know

body piercing,
misspelled tattoos.

Um, my dislikes would be,
you know, like soap, uh...

Toothbrushes, personal hy--

( buzzer, yelling )

( Snoring, wheezing )

So Mr., um, pig.

You like
tuna blintzes?

Tuna blintzes,
are you kidding?

I mean, you
got your tuna

and your blintzes.

What's not to like?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, dog, dog?

Do you have any questions?

( Snoring, wheezing )

Okay, i guess not.

Table manners, Mr. pig,
do you value them?

Oh, how to hold a fork

is more important
than the air i breathe.

( Panting )

And, uh... cleanliness?

Next to catliness!

Oh, this little piggy
went to market.

Congratulations, pig.

You're in.

( Groans )

Holy moly, that's a big pig.

Dog, stretch, come on.

( Grunting )

( Loud snap )

Well, so long,
you guys.

Great idea, cat.

( Cackles )

( Clears throat )

Pig, welcome to catdog.

Now, how about that tuna blintz?

Or should we vote on it?

Or how about an oozey, slimy,
filthy mud bath?

All right,
all in favor

of the mud bath,
say aye.

Aye.

Aye.

( Yelps )

The ayes
have it!

Dog, pig:
Hooray! Okay!

Are you ready
to wallow with me?

Muddy, muddy mud.

I love mud.

Mud is on my hands.

It's in my face.

It's in my hair.

Hey, pig!

I thought you said cleanliness
was next to catliness.

Oh, no, dude, next
to impossible.

( Laughing )

( Eating noisily )

Dog, old friend.

How about a little game
of fetch?

Oh, boy,
i love fetch.

Yeah, yeah, fetch
is one exciting game.

It's great fun.

But, dude, let's do
something really rad.

Kawabunga!

( Cat screeching )

Cat:
I just... i feel trapped.

I feel, i feel...
I feel wounded.

I feel downright
betrayed.

You need to talk
to dog and pig.

You know, share your
issues with them.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

I need to share my issues
with them.

Okay.

( Clears throat )

Guys?

Guys?

Is it me

or is our new
relationship kind of...

Not working out?

Both:
Not working out?

This scene is
wicked awesome.

Yeah, wicked
awesome, dude.

In fact, we just voted
in three new members!

Three new members?

( Cat groaning loudly )

( Horse whinnies )

Okay, catdog-pig-horse-
gorilla-emu, suck it in.

( Groans )

Well, winslow..

Thank you so much
for all your help!

The pleasure was truly mine.
See you.

You know what time it is?

Half-past
chow time!

All:
Aye!

( Grunting )

No, come on.

What are you doing?

( Horse neighs )

( Noisy gobbling )

( Burping )

It is not fair.

Ow!

( Glass breaks )

( Whinnying )

Ow!

Oh, they're all against me.

You stupid majority!

Okay.

One, two, three, four, five.

Well, with only five more votes,
I'll be the stupid majority.

( Giggling maniacally )

( Yelping )

You've been selected
to participate

in an exciting experiment
in the electoral process.

Welcome to catdog-pig-
horse-gorilla-emu.

( Cat, dog groaning )

I think i just
pulled a muscle.

That was my muscle.

( Both groaning )

All in favor of getting out
of this mess, say aye.

Aye.

Aye.

Ay... ee...!

Cat?

Cat?

It's okay, we're
free now, free.

( Sighs )
Yeah, free at last.

Oh, but not them.

( Whinnying, trumpeting, etc. )

That foolish heap
of flesh and fur.

From now on, dog...

How about we
work things out

just the two of us?

Cat?

Yes?

I vote we listen
to classical polka.

Oh, excellent choice

but i think I'd rather
watch monster trucks.

You're so nice.

No, classical polka.

Well, i really must
insist on monster trucks.

Classical polka!

Monster trucks!

( Singing a polka )

Monster trucks!

( Singing a polka )

Stop it!

( Chuckling )

Pig:
Totally rad...!

♪ One fine day
with a woof and a purr ♪

♪ a baby was born
and it caused a little stir ♪

♪ no blue bug
and no three-eyed frog ♪

♪ just a feline, canine ♪

♪ little catdog ♪

♪ catdog... catdog... ♪

♪ alone in the world
was a little catdog ♪

♪ out on the road
or back in town ♪

♪ all kind of critters
putting catdog down ♪

♪ got to rise above it,
got to try to get along ♪

♪ got to walk together,
got to sing this song ♪

♪ catdog... catdog... ♪

♪ alone in the world
was a little catdog... ♪

♪ Alone in the world
was a little catdog. ♪