01x11 - Can't Hardly Date

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dad.


Wow, you're going out again?
You went out last night.


Yes, we're , that's what we do.


We're going to Emmy's house.


Her sister's in eighth grade,
so we know it's gon' be lit!


[Sydney] Whoa, Grandma.


You know I don't believe in objectifying
women, but, girl, you straight fire!


Thanks, Noodle!


You're going out, too?
You went out last night.


I'm in college. It's what we do.


So, big party, huh?


Eight parties, actually.


All the sororities
are fighting over me to join them.


Life can be complicated
when you're this much fun.


Speaking of fun, and its opposite...


What's up with everyone's
favorite couch warmer?


Dad, it's Saturday night,
and you're not doing anything again?


The only people home
are you and grounded eight-year-olds.


Not doing anything? I'm doing
product research for the bike shop.


I'm thinking of carrying a new horn.


-[honking]
-No, no.


Dad, you can't spend another
Saturday night sitting at home alone.


Did I mention I am making
pasta sauce from scratch?


-[timer dings]
-Ooh, my roasted garlic's ready!


Dad, there comes a time in every
man's life when his daughter tells him...


You gotta get out there, dude!


-I can't, I'm busy being a single dad.
-But I'm not a little kid anymore.


Dad, it's been five years since Mom d*ed.


And we'll always miss her,


but she'd want you
to get out there and mix it up.


I do mix it up-- look.


I am mixing cayenne pepper
into my tomato sauce.


Things are about to get
real spicy around here.


Uh-huh.


Uh-huh.


-Uh-uh.
-Uh-- okay.


C'mon, Dad.


Look, Syd, I'm fine.


In fact, I'm in such a good mood,
how 'bout I pick you up at : ?


I know what you're doing.


You get me to stop bugging you
by giving me a later curfew.


-Is it working?
-At : , it will.


Sold!


[theme music playing]


Like father, like daughter
We don't always agree


But looking at you
Is like looking at me


The more things change
The more they stay the same


Like father, like daughter
From different times


Taking all the best
From your decade and mine


The more things change


The more they stay the same


The more they stay the same


You know the best part
about your dad owning this place?


The free smoothies.


Brain freeze! Brain freeze!


[deep breath]


Still worth it!


You know what, Olive?
I've been thinking about my dad.


There's no way he's not lonely.


Whoa... do you see what I'm seeing?


That woman is totally
flirting with your dad.


And he's totally not flirting back.


Look at him, he's clueless. Come on, man!


So, tell me, what made you
decide to open a bike shop?


Eh, it's a long story.


Well, I'd love to hear it some time.


Really?


Huh... Maybe I should type it up
and give it out with a free seat wrench.


-[laughing] You're so funny.
-[chuckles]


[Sydney] Oh, no... I'd better help him.


It's time to go full Cupid.


Ping!


Uh, Dad? Can I talk to you?


Uh, yeah, sure. 'Scuse me.


Oh, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.


-Yes, Syd, what's up?
-"What's up?"


Dad, that woman
is totally flirting with you.


What? No, that's just Maggie.
I've gotten to know her a little


because she's been in here three times
and still hasn't bought a bike.


Dad, did she laugh
at your "bicycle built for two" joke?


Yeah, but that's because-- ohh...


She is flirting with me.


[chuckles] Hi.


Stay calm, Max... I'm not calm.
What do I do?


Let me give you a hint... ask her out!


I'm a little bit rusty.


The last time I asked a woman out
is when your mother asked me out.


Here, we'll show you how it's done.
I'll be you and Olive, you're Maggie.


[imitating Max]
I really enjoy talking with you.


Any chance we could get
a cup of coffee some time?


I'm just trying to buy a bike,
okay, creep?



Olive!


What? It could play out that way.


Dad...


Go.


Sorry about that, I just...


Had to have a little convo
with my daughter.


Oh, that's your daughter? She's cute.


'Course, the apple
doesn't fall far from the tree.


-[both chuckle]
-Oh, boy!


[Max] So... um...
Maggie, I guess I was wondering...


if you'd...


like to discuss the sprockets
that we're going to use on your bike.


I recommend we go with a compact
drive train -tooth chainings--


-Would you like to go out sometime?
-Oh, thank goodness.


Yes. Yes, I would really like that.


Way to go, Dad! Ping!


This is the worst day of my life!


Really? Worse than that day in first grade


when you spilled apple juice on your lap,
and it looked like you had an accident?


'Cause ooh, baby, that was bad.


It was way worse... I broke my board,
and my mom won't even buy me a new one.


Why don't you buy one yourself?


Because I don't have any money.


You haven't saved anything?


I thought we had this conversation.


You sound just like my mom.


Oh, we've talked.


We worry about you, Max.


What's that?


It's the prize catalog
for the popcorn sale at school.


If I sell enough,
I can get this portable TV.


The Watchguy.


Whoa, that's pretty cool.


In a couple of weeks,
I could be living the good life


with a smile on my face
and a TV in my pants.


Whoa, Leo, look.


One of the prizes is a skateboard.


If we work together, we could sell way
more popcorn. Get both of our prizes.


Yeah, it'd be so much more expedient.


Efficient.


Fast, it means fast.


Why do they keep making big words
when the small ones are fine?


I thought Dad and Maggie
were just going for a bike ride,


but it's already : .
Sounds like someone's having too much fun.


You're quite
the little matchmaker, aren't you?


Well, I wouldn't say matchmaker...


but tell me what you're looking for
and I can line up some options.


Syd, please...


Make sure he's buff and not too chatty.


-[car doors close]
-[footsteps approaching]


-[keys jingle]
-[door lock clicks]


Oh, home so soon?


Maggie, you remember my daughter.


-Hi, Sydney.
-Hey, Maggie!


So, did you two have fun?


How could I not? I was out with the most
charming bike shop owner in Portland.


Go on...


No, seriously, go on,
I'll gonna grab us some drinks.


Mm, look at you, big date night.


I'm afraid the butt divot
in the couch is gonna be jealous.


-So, how was it?
-It was great.


Maggie's... smart, accomplished, funny.


There was just one little thing...


[baby-talking] Maxy Waxy!


Where'd you go?
I miss my wittle Maxy Waxy.


I'll be right out.


Oh, this is my mom, Judy.


[normal voice] Oh, nice to meet you, Judy.


Was that the little thing
you were talking about?


Yes, that's the "wittle, wittle" thing.


Maggie is a lovely woman,
but I can't take the baby-talk.


There is no way
I'm going on another date with her.


Agreed.


[baby-talking]
Because you already have a mommy!


-[both chuckle]
-[Maggie] Oh.


Max, you didn't tell me
your daughter was this delightful.


You didn't tell me
Maggie knows everything about fashion.


And art. And music.


She speaks Japanese.


Hai, hanasemasu.


Maggie's full of surprises.


Ah, it sounds like you guys
have really hit it off.


Oh, we have.


Maggie, I'd love to hang out.
Any chance we could go shopping sometime?


Oh, I'd like that, but...


I don't even know if your dad
wants to go out with me again.


Of course I do!


[laughing] Yes.


Syd and Maggie still aren't back
from lunch yet, huh?


No! I guess they're really hitting it off!


By the way, Mr. R,


my parents think it's terrific
you're finally dating.


That's nice.


Do you often talk about my personal life
with your parents?


Let's just say we have concerns.


So, how'd it go with Maggie?


Great, Maggie's cool, fun, interesting...


there's just one little thing.


[baby-talking] Wittle Sydney Widney
forgot her sweater-weater in the car.


No one wants a case of the McSniffletons!


Thanks, Maggie.


-This is Olive.
-[normal voice] Nice to meet you, Olive.


-You, too.
-Let me go say hello to your dad.


[baby-talking] See you waiter!


Oh, gag! She's a baby talker!


I know, it's awful!


I don't even think babies like it,
they just can't say anything.


What are you gonna do?


[sighs] Look at him. He's so happy...


Guess I'm gonna have
to wearn to wive with it.


Here's your dinosaur eraser.


May we interest you
in some delicious popcorn?


It's for a very good cause.


Yeah... I need a new skateboard.


And it raises money for our school.
So whaddya say?


No, thanks.


Come on! Do it for the kids!


Man! We haven't made one sale all day.


Gotta find some way
to get kids to buy this stuff.


Aw, come on!
I'm never getting past this level!


I wish I had the cheat codes to this game.
I would pay anything for them.


Max, I have the cheat codes
for all these games.


Well, that solves that kid's problem,
but what about us?


No! Didn't you hear him?
He said he'd pay "anything."


Maybe he'd buy anything.


Ohh! I know what you're thinkin'.


Cheat codes for popcorn?


Yeah!


Though, it is a little
deceptive and duplicitous.


I got big words, too.


Hey, guys.


Wow! Look at you!


Going out with Maggie again?


Yes, I'm a single guy, it's what we do.


You're really happy, aren't you?


Oh, yeah, Maggie's terrific... the best.


And you like her, right?


Sure! Yeah, she's great!


We're lucky...
or as you kids say, #blessed.


We don't say that anymore.


Really? I just started
using that yesterday.


Sydney, you've gotta tell your dad
how you feel about Maggie


before this goes any further.


I can't. You heard him.
He's crazy about her.


What am I supposed to say?


"Dad, you can't date her
'cause she stole my nose last night"?


She didn't.


She did. And then she went in for a hug
and I thought she was gonna burp me.


Okay, this is how it works, kid...


You put down how many bags of popcorn
you wanna buy and sign here.


Then I give you the code.


You only gotta ask yourself one question:


how badly do you wanna b*at this game?


I guess not that badly.


Now there's a man who wants to win!


By the way, this whole transaction?


Never happened.


[whispering] Keep it quiet.


Cheat codes for popcorn!


Get your cheat codes for popcorn!


[doorbell rings]


-Hi, Maggie.
-Hey, Syd. Cute outfit.


[baby-talking] You look so adorable.


Boop!


You ready to go, Maggie?


Uh, listen, before we go,
I have some big news...


I've been offered a job.
It's actually a big promotion.


-Wow, that's great!
-Yeah. Awesome.


Except it's in New York.


But that means you'll have to move.


I know...


and I've gotta let them know in hours.


Oh, man, um... can you excuse me a minute?


[whispering] This is perfect!


Maggie's moving to New York!


Wait, I thought
you were doing this for Syd.


I am! They can stay connected.
They can video chat, or text,


or whatever kids do
with their thumbs these days.


My point is, Syd will still
have Maggie in her life.


Congratulations, you'll be back
with your bike horns in no time.


-Exactly!
-I was being sarcastic!


How many years have
we been working on this?


So, this new job sounds great.


Oh, I'd be crazy not to take it.


Of course, if I knew this relationship
with your dad was going someplace,


it might affect my decision.


Well, I know he really likes you.


I feel ridiculous asking this, but...


[baby-talking]
...kinda wikes? Or wikes-wikes?


Trust me, Maggie, he likes you a lot.


Really? He does?


Yes, and I like you, too.


Which goes without saying,
which is why I didn't say it.


So, tell me more
about this incredible job.


-I'm not taking it.
-Huh?


I'm staying in Portland!


So, uh, what convinced you to stay?


A friend gave me a little tip.


Ping!



Okay, Maggie will be back in a minute.
I got her favorite, strawberry shortcake.


You know, for our little... celebration.


It's so great she's staying.


So great. There's not one little thing
I don't like about that woman.


Not one thing.


[baby-talking]
Aww, dare's my wittle muffin man.


And his wittle mini muffin. [chuckles]


[normal voice]
Aww, you got me strawberry shortcake!


It's for the "celebwation."
I mean celebration.


-[cellphone ringing]
-Excuse me, work call, I gotta take it.


Hi Jerry, what's up?


Oh, hold on...


[baby-talking] Oh, my wittle Maxy Waxy


got a wittle whipped cream


on his face.


[normal voice] Look,
Jerry, if they don't like it,


somebody else can to carry their clothes.


[baby-talk] Don't forget your nappy nap.
Wouldn't want an oopsie.


Hey! You wanna sh**t some hoops?


We can't, have to deliver
the popcorn today.


C'mon, how long's that gonna take?


Whoa... look at this!


It's like popcorn had babies!


How did we sell so much?


Again, nobody needs to know.


I gotta say, I'm really proud of you boys.


Now, get this junk out of here.
I want my house back!


Great, let's load up your car.


I can't! Engine fell out.


And after just , miles!


-How are we supposed to deliver this?
-Well, you boys have bikes.


-I can't fit it on a bike.
-Tie your wagon to it.


Maybe she's on to somethin'.


What is it with you and my mom?


Oh, hey, Big O, come on in.


-Syd's not here.
-She's not?


No, she's at the bike shop
celebrating with Max and Maggie.


Maggie's turning down
a big job in New York,


so she can stay here with them.


Ohh...


Good for them.


I know... right?


I'm so glad they met.


Yeah, they're so good together.


[high-pitched] Aren't they?


'Course, nobody's perfect.


No! Everyone has something.


That's why you've gotta take baby steps.


[baby-talking] Wittle, wittle baby steps.


What do you know?


Max is only dating Maggie
because Syd likes her!


But Syd only pretends
to like Maggie because Mr. R likes her!


[both gasp]


So, they're sacrificing themselves


because they want what's best
for the other person.


[gasp] They're such better people than me.


What're we gonna do?


We've gotta let them know
before she turns down that job!


[gasps] Let's go!


You'd better drive, because you can!


Well, the only thing left
is to turn down the job.


New York is gonna call me any minute.


So, if you guys don't want me to stay,
say it now or forever hold your peace.


I'm kidding!


That's a good one!


So good!


[laughing continues]


There they are.
How are we gonna get them over here?


I already texted them.


Good. I was gonna trigger the fire
sprinklers, but we'll go your way.


Guys, what's going on?


-Your dad's only--
-Your daughter's only--


-Mr. R. is pretending--
-Sydney's only acting--


Olive, you go.


Your dad's only dating Maggie
because he thinks you like her.


What?


And Sydney's only pretending to like her
because she thinks you do.


Sydney, is that true?


Yes...


Wait, you don't like Maggie?


No! I like her.


It's just...


-The baby-talk?
-Oh, it drives me crazy.


Why didn't you tell me?


How could I? You seemed so happy.


I thought you were happy.


I was just happy
'cause I thought you were.


Wow. I gotta say, you fake happy good.


Right back at ya.


Honey, I appreciate how much you care,


but you don't have to pretend
you're happy to make me happy.


I just don't want you to be lonely.


I'm not! I have you.


Thank goodness you have people


who don't know
how to mind their own business.


So, what are we gonna do about Maggie?


You're not going to do
anything about Maggie.


I'm a grown man, I can handle this.


[baby-talking] Hey, Maggie Waggie?


Is that it? Is that my new skateboard?


Yep, it's been waitin' for ya.


And you said I'd have to save money
to get a new skateboard.


Well, who's laughing--


What?


What is this?


There has to be some mistake.


All right, there's a catalog,
let's check...


Max, it looks like
you didn't read the fine print.


It says, "Picture actual size."


Gah!


Tell you what,
how 'bout I buy you a new skateboard?


You'd do that? Really?


Of course!
You worked really hard. Let's go!


Can we go tomorrow?


Leo and I are gonna go bike riding.


I had a ton of fun jumping curbs
and riding through alleys.


Got some serious skills.


Have fun!


Mom?


[gasps]
That was about something else entirely.


I just wanted to say thanks
for getting me to ride my bike again.


It's pretty cool.


Oh, and Mom?


Go ahead and laugh, it is kinda funny.


[door closes]


Well, that took all the fun out of it.


And then Maggie said
we can visit her anytime in New York.


Wow, she took it really well.


Yeah, we were both adults about it.


And then she booped me on the nose
and walked out.


You are awfully cute, Dad.


Boop!


Listen, Syd, I want to thank you
for pushing me out there, you were right.


I've been hiding behind
the single parent thing for too long.


It's time I started dating again.


I think Mom would approve.


She'd want you to be happy.


-Yeah, you're right.
-[door opens]


Look out, ladies,
Max Reynolds is back in the game.


Hi, I was wondering if you could help me.


I'm looking for a mountain bike.


Yeah, sure, they're right over there.


Um... okay.


-Uh, Dad?
-Huh?


Oh, right!


-Ping!
-[chuckles]


Excuse me. I think I can help you,
maybe narrow down what you're looking for.


Uh, do you like to ride with your husband?


-No, I'm single.
-That helps.


So... what made you open a bike shop?


Well...


it's a long story...


[man] Oh, yeah.