05x08 - Bud, the Caretaker

[bunniefuu]

(theatrical music)

- [Narrator] Robert Young,

and Jane Wyatt,

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray, and Lauren Chapin,

in Father Knows Best.

(playful music)

(Bud sighs)

- Say, if you people are wondering

why I'm working this hard,

stick around, it's a grim story.

If you have any boys in your family,

tell 'em to gather around the set,

'cause I havesomething here that can

save 'em a lotta misery.

Well,

it's a book I'm writing.

(chuckles)

There, this is a book I'm...

It's a book I'm writing, it's called,

Rules for a Boy to Live HisLife by and Not Make a Mess of,

It.

See, these rules can help you guys avoid

the suffering that I've gone through.

For example, don't mess around and waste time at home.

Go someplace else to do it.

Don't, oh, this is the one I wanna tell ya about.

Don't make stupid mistakes,

especially if you have to pay for 'em,

which is what I'm doing now,

and it shouldn'thappen to a dog.

I wanna show you guys how easily

you can fall into a trap like I did.

Two weeks ago an acquaintance of ours,

Mr. Whitcomb, was going outta town.

Well, he said he'd gimmea few bucks for turning

his car motor over a couple times while he was gone,

which seems simple enough.

- THat's all youhave to do, Bud,

just start the motor every few days

to keep the battery charged up, okay?

- Well, that'll be easy, Mr. Whitcomb.

- And it might be a good idea to drive it

outta the garageonce in a while.

- Yeah?

- To the end of the driveway and back.

And that keeps the tires from resting

on the same side all the time.

You be careful when you back her into the garage.

Pretty narrow doorway here.

I know how you young fellas drive.

- Well, I'll be careful.

- Don't you let me find out that you've

been tearing aroundthe streets in the car.

Well, I guess that's,

that's about, oh, wait, here.

I wonder if you'd mind taking care of Doris.

- Doris?

- Yes, I've written out

some special feeding instructions.

Now, where in thedickens did I put that?

- Is that it?

- No.

Oh, yes it is.

I'm getting so absentminded lately

I can hardly remember my own name.

Yes, now, here are the feeding instructions,

and here's some special birdseed,

and if you run out, there's a whole case full in the garage.

Okay?

- Okay.- Okay.

Now, wait a minute here.

And, you might keep an eye on the place,

lots of vandals around.

Wouldn't hurt to rake up these leaves.

- Well, I'll take care of everything,

you have a nice trip.

- If we have an early frost, don't forget

to cover all these shrubs.

- Okay, have a nice trip.

- Oh, hey, wait a minute here.

Here's the house key so you can check

to see there are no faucets dripping.

Water the houseplants and air the place out

a time or two, especially the day I come back.

I hate to come into a stale house.

Maybe I better write all this down for you.

- Oh no, no, no, no, that's okay, I can remember it.

I got a friend waiting for me in the car.

Have a nice trip.

- Have Doris here waiting for me.

A man really shouldn't go away.

Many things can happen.

- Well, I thought I'dnever get away from him.

Here, hold Doris.

- Doris?

You gotta take care of this too?

- I gotta take care of everything.

What a worrywart he is.

- Are you gonna get to drive that jazzy car of his around?

- Oh, sure.

Clean out to the end of the driveway,

and back again.

He's so afraid I'll geta little scratch on it.

Hey, look.

- Oh, wow.

Like wow, man.

(gentle music)

- [Bud] You read any good books lately?

- Man, who is she?

- I don't know, but I'mgonna make finding out

who she is my life's work.

Well, there it was, fellas.

Or rather, there she was.

The first step leading to my downfall.

Now, suppose you'll agree that it would seem reasonable

to try and meet this girl.

I have a rule covering that.

Rule number , if a girl makes you think

it's reasonable to do something,

don't do it, it's the soundest rule in here,

but I didn't know that two weeks ago,

so I blindly plunged right ahead

trying to find out who she was.

Say, Betty--

- Did you read this list of instructions for Doris?

- No, say look, I wannaask you to buy some--

- He thinks we're taking care of a rare, sacred peacock

instead of a mole-looking canary that sings off key.

- Yeah, well--

- Listen, clean cage every day.

Wash drinking cup twice a day.

Disinfect every other day.

What am I supposed to disinfect, the cup,

the bird, or me?

- Yeah, well look, here's what I wanna ask you.

Let's say you're a girl and you're--

- Well what am I, a giraffe?

- No, well let's suppose you're a real,

you know, sensational-looking girl.

Which is what you are, and that's why I've come to you, see?

- It's too late, you've cooked your goose with me.

- Well, look, just tell me this,

what's a good way tomeet a new girl in town?

- Well, let's see,

have someone who knows her introduce ya.

- Well, I can't find anybody who knows her.

- Say, Bud, may I go toMr. Whitcomb's tomorrow

and sit in that fancy car of his?

- No, no, you stay away from that.

One jelly fingerprint onthat car and he'd flip.

- I don't get jelly fingerprints on everything.

I'm not a child, you know.

- Okay, but, well, with a guy like him,

I'm not taking any chances.

I don't want you within miles of that car.

Or no, that's, I might

let you earn your way into the car

by helping me over there.

- Doing what?

- Oh, just a minor little task.

- Just a minor little task, he said.

Hey wait, where are you going?

- No place, just out to the end

of the driveway and back.

We can't let the precious little old tires

rest on the sameprecious little old side

or they'd get square, like their owner.

Well, I'll be right back.

Keep raking.

(gentle music)

- What are you staring at, a girl?

- No, no, I, Kathy, oh kid,

why don't you go get acquainted with that girl

and tell her you want her to meet your brother,

the charming, good-looking fellow in the convertible.

- I'd be embarrassed to bits.

- I'll let you sit inthe car if you'll do it.

- No, thanks, I'm sick of this whole deal.

I'm going home.

(Jim laughing)

And then he tried to get me to race out

and get acquainted with her so I could introduce him to her.

- Oh, no.

- Well, I hope you didn't do it.

- Oh, don't worry.

Boy, he sure is lovesick, oh.

- Well, don't make things worse by teasing him about it.

- No, he's probably suffering enough as it is.

(playful music)

- Hi Mom, Dad.

- How's the, Whitcomb job coming?

- Oh, okay.

I decided I better goover there every day now

instead of just once in a while.

- Oh well, fine,I'm glad to hear

you're finding the job so attractive.

- Yeah, she's attra, I mean,

like you always say, Dad, if you're gonna

do a job, do it right.

Excuse me, I gotta call Kippy.

- I hope he doesn't get to fooling around over there

and neglect his job.

- Yes, if anything goes wrong we'll have a real job

trying to explain it to Mr. Whitcomb.

(Jim laughing)

- Hey, Kip, you shoulda seen the big smile she gave me

when she saw me in that car.

Oh, yeah, the car did it.

Hey, well look, so tomorrow you come with me

and we'll sit in the car, and when she comes by,

we'll communicate,man, we'll communicate.

- [Betty] Oh!

- See you tomorrow, Kip.

You know, when I close my eyes I can still

see that girl smiling at me.

That's why I hate to close my eyes now.

You know, I look back on it,

it seems kinda pitiful,

old Kip and I rushing over to Mr. Whitcomb's the next day,

running his car out tothe end of the driveway,

and sitting there waiting for her.

- [Kippy] I thought you said she walked by here every day.

- No, she did.

- Well, you probably scared her off by sitting here

like a dummy when she smiled at you.

(Bud hushing)

- Shut your big, fat mouth, boy,

look what's steaming adown on the river.

(gentle music)

Hey, let's don't be staring at her.

Let's pretend like we don't see her.

- I hate to be that deceitful.

Why didn't ya say something?

- Well, I didn't notice you getting up

and making any speeches.

- Well, I'm not the bigshot around here, with the car.

- Well, I'm,

taking my time, playing it cool.

- Yeah, and blowing all your chances.

- No, I'm not.

She'll be back by here in a minute

with an armload of groceries.

- You mean those dainty little arms

are gonna lug a big,heavy sack of groceries?

Now, if we were gentlemen.

- Oh, hey, now you're thinking!

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a guy

helping a lady in distress.

- None whatsoever.

In fact, we should consider her poor, tired legs

and give her a ride home.

- Oh no, oh no, I'm notdriving this car on the street.

- Well, it'd just be a couple of blocks.

- One mud splatter and Whitcombwould sue me for vandalism.

- Now, actually I was thinking

more the favor you'd be doing him.

- Favor?

- Sure, a car is much better off if it's being run.

You know that.

- Well, yeah, yeah.

- They get sluggish just sitting around,

fill up with carbon.

- Yeah, especially thesebig, expensive ones.

- They're the worst.

- If he came back and the car was sluggish, he'd blame me.

- Sure he would.

- You can't blame a fella for protecting himself.

But remember, just to the store,

to her house, and back again, that's all.

- That's all we need, let's go.

(playful music)

- My, this certainly isa lovely car you have.

- Oh, it's okay to knock around in.

On weekdays.

- I seriously thank you for the ride.

(brakes screeching)

He almost hit you!

- Oh, that's all I'd need.

- Bud needs a new car anyway.

The ashtrays in this one are nearly full. (laughing)

(Bud laughing forcefully)

- Well, I'll take my groceries now,

and thanks again so much.

- Oh no, this is pretty heavy.

I better carry it.

- You see, we're the official Springfield,

Springfield Leaders, and this is all part of our service.

- Well, my, you boyscertainly are friendly.

- Oh, we're friendly.

Heck, we're so friendly we might even

show you around the town tonight.

- Oh, I'd just love that!

But I'm leaving tonight for my home down in Florida.

- Home?

Don't you live here?

- No, just visiting,

and I have to get home in time for my engagement party.

If you boys ever get down to Tallahassee,

now be sure and look us up.

- Oh yeah, any day now.

So long.

- Oh, oh, my groceries?

- Oh, yeah.

- Well thanks again, and it was so nice meeting you.

Bye!

- Tallahassee?

Next time why don't you pick one that lives in Africa?

- Well, how was I supposed to know where she lived?

You know, if you were so smart,

how come you didn't notice she wasn't...

(gentle music)

Oh my gosh, look!

That dirty truck driver musta got me when he drove off.

(groaning)

- Uh-oh, what are you gonna do now?

- What can I do?

k*ll myself.

'Cause if I don't, Mr. Whitcomb will do it for me.

(groans)

Well, there it was.

My downfall was complete,

and all because of a woman.

I tell ya, guys, they're treacherous.

Anyway, Kip and I spent the next week

trying to raise money to repair the car,

but no dice.

And then disaster struck.

Whitcomb wired he was coming home three days early.

I had to get that car fixed before he got home.

Well, all I could do was swallow my pride

and go to my dad.

They want $ to repair it.

Now, I don't have $.

- You should never have driven that car out into the street.

You were given the responsibility--

- Please don't Dad, I get the picture.

- Well, I hope so.

And why didn't you come to me sooner

instead of waiting until the last minute?

- Well, I kept thinking I could raise the money myself.

Well you know, actually, it's Mr. Whitcomb's fault.

He shouldn't be coming home early.

- Bud, that's no excuse.

- When is Whitcomb arriving?

- Tomorrow evening.

- Oh, me.

Well, look, if you hurry you can get it

into the repair shop before they close.

I'll call 'em and tell 'em to get on it

first thing in the morning and work

like they've never worked before, now, hurry!

- Will you pay for it?

- Well, there's nothing else I can do.

Get going.

- I had a feeling something like this would happen.

- Why of all the cars in the world

did it have to happen to Mr. Whitcomb's?

- What, the car's not ready?

But, when I brought it in last night

you said you'd have it readyby five o'clock this afternoon.

- Okay, but one of my men's gotta virus

and the other's having a baby.

- Well, how much longer will it take?

- Oh, about an hour or two.

- An hour or two?

I can't wait that long.

Can't you speed it up?

- Doing the best we can, son.

- Well, do better.

May I use your phone?

- Counter.

(finger dial turning)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh hi, say, did you get the car?

- Oh, they're having viruses and babies.

Hey look, will you take thecanary over to Whitcomb's place?

Oh, and air out the house.

And water the houseplants.

No, I can't, I gotta wait here for the car.

Oh, and close the garage door just in case Whitcomb

comes home before Iget the car over there.

- All right, yes, yes, I'll hurry.

Okay Mother, take off your apron

and I'll get old Doris and let's go.

- Go where?

- To the rescue.

Lieutenant Bud just ordered the U.S. Cavalry into action!

Let's go!

- Betty!

Oh, I feel awful about this.

I feel sort of deceitful.

- Well, it's better thanspending our afternoons visiting

Bud in jail when Mr. Whitcomb gets through with him.

- [Margaret] Well, I doubt if it's as bad as that.

- Well, but as Father said, with Whitcomb

it's not worth taking a chance.

Oh, say, did you get the house key?

- Oh yes, here.

Oh my goodness, this placecertainly does need airing out.

- I bet Bud didn't air it out once

while Mr. Whitcomb was away.

- Of course he didn't, he was too busy

looking at that girl.

Oh, Mr. Whitcomb, what are you doing here?

I mean,

well, welcome home!

Welcome.

- Thank you, Mrs. Anderson.

What are you doing here?

- Well, we,

Betty and I,

well, you remember Betty?

- Betty?- Yes.

Well, we were sort of getting the place ready for you,

as a surprise.

- Oh, well, that,

that was mighty thoughtful of you.

But where is Bud?

He was supposed to do this.

- Oh, well, oh, he's beentaking very good care of things,

but, well, right now he's...

- He went out to get something.

- Yes, to get something.

- Oh, well then,

sorry you folks had to bother.

Oh, well, hello Doris, old girl.

Well, did you miss your old daddy

as much as he missed you?

Sure, sure, you're hungry.

Well, we'll fix that right up.

(loose rattling)

Oh, empty, well,

I'll go right out to the garage

and get you a brand-new package.

- Garage?

Oh, no, no, you don't want to do that.

Well, I mean, oh my goodness,

you're tired from your trip.

Why, let Betty do it.

Oh, she'd love, well, Betty,

run out the garage and get a fresh package.

- No, no, no, no, don'tbother, you don't--

- Oh no, no, don't worry, I'll find it.

- Now, now, now, you sit right down

and tell me all about your trip.

Well, I know it was fascinating.

- Well, actually it was,

pretty dull.

- [Bud] I'm sorry I had to call you, Dad.

- It's all right, I was leaving the office anyway.

- Look, I thought maybeyou could speed 'em up.

They just get mad when I try.

- I'll do what I can, where's the car?

- It's over there.

- My, you do make atrip sound interesting.

Omaha must be a fascinating city.

- That's why I cut my trip short.

- Oh, there you are.

Well, did you find it all right?

- Well, there are no packages of birdseed left.

- Oh, that can't be.

There's a whole case full out here.

- No, no, that's where I looked.

The case is empty.

- Empty?

Now, do you suppose I forgot to order any more?

It's getting to where I can hardly remember

to put my shoes on before I go to work.

(forced laughter)

Well, I'll just jump in the car,

go down and buy some.

- No!

Why, let Betty do it.

She can run down to the little store.

- Oh no, I'll drive.

- No, she needs the exercise.

She loves to walk and run, don't you, Betty?

- Yeah, I'm just crazy about it.

- That'll be $..

- Look, I'll call Betty andtell her to open the garage door

so I can zip right in.

- We'd a done a betterjob if we had more time.

- [Jim] I understand.

- Whitcomb just answered the phone, Dad, he's home.

- Oh no.

- What do we do now?

- Well, all we can do is hope

he hasn't noticed the car's gone.

I'll try to keep his attention

while you drive it in, come on.

- This is the only brand they had,

I hope it's all right.

- Well, it's not the kind Doris is accustomed to,

but I guess it'll be--

- Hello, anybody home?

Oh, Mr. Whitcomb!

Welcome home!

I'm so glad to see you again.

We've certainly missed you.

I wanna hear allabout your trip.

You went to, where was it?

- Omaha, it's a fascinating city!

- Wonderful.- I thought I heard the

garage door close.

- Omaha, huh?

I have a cousin nearthere in Council Bluffs.

Did you get through Council Bluffs?

- Sure I did.

Well, I guess,

you were saying something about Council Bluffs?

- Mr. Whitcomb!

- Bud. - Wow!

Hardly expected to see you home yet.

- Yeah well, how'd everything go, is the car all right?

- Oh, it's just fine, wanna go out and look at it?

- Oh, no, no, no, I,

wait a minute.

Do you know, I believe I left a package

of birdseed in theglove compartment once?

If you'll excuse me, I'll just go check it.

Doris does prefer her own brand.

You know, it was mightynice of you folks

to come over andwelcome me home.

It makes a man happy to,

feel somebody missed him,

wants him come back home again.

I hope this won't end, and I hope that,

that you'll come back again, often.

(gentle music)

I realize, this house needs,

well.

- Oh, I feel awful.

I wish now we had comeover to welcome him home

instead of to,

to deceive him, that's what we did.

- I feel a little ashamed myself.

- I think we better tell him everything.

- I don't know.

Why hurt him?

We accidentallystumbled into something

that brought a little joy into his life.

Wouldn't it be better to go along with that,

and visit him once in a while,

invite him over?

- Bud, come out here!

(theatrical music)

How'd the car get turned around?

I always back it in.

- Oh, well isn't this the way it was before?

- Well, no, no,

at least I don't think so.

But of course, the way I've been forgetting things lately,

I...

Wait a minute.

Now there's an odd thing.

About a month ago I backed into a truck

and dented that thing.

I didn't get it fixed right away on account

of an argument with an insurance company.

But you know, I don't remember when I did get it fixed?

Boy, I guess I reallyam getting absentminded.

(hearty laughter)

(everyone laughing)

- Well, it may be funny to them, but I gotta sl*ve here

to pay my dad back for the repair bill,

and I didn't even do the damage,

which leads me to my last rule.

Avoid stupidity unless you've got the brains to handle it.

- Bud, get up and get to work!

- Oh, okay, okay, Dad.

Now, listen, guys.

I've gotta raise $.

Now, this whole book will only cost,

will only cost you $.

Now, if I can sell books--

- [Jim] Bud!

- [Bud] Yeah, Dad!

(gentle music)