01x07 - Still Cheating

[bunniefuu]

we need to have that discussion about

your worm pants in the kitchen again oh

I see so you want to [ __ ] in the

bedroom and a daddy in the kitchen just

get dressed we're meeting Linda and her

new boyfriend and a half hour all right

but I'm telling you this better be a

short night I don't care where we are at

nine-thirty the pants are coming off

fine just don't forget him like last

time no not enough your sister has to

date these losers why do I have to date

them to even has her family and that's

what you do for a family besides it

hasn't been that bad not that bad let's

take a look at the winners she's ticked

in the past it was the last guy she

dated huge beard the Civil w*r buff sir

sweats a lot and oh let's not forget

neck tattoo guy also known as can't

leave the state not easy out there no

but obviously your sister is give her a

break she's still waiting for the right

guys not willing to settle like I do how

did you sit does the man with no pants

and a raw wiener in his family better

come on

it got three minutes I only need to cuz

I'm half undressed

[Applause]

[Music]

so I keep trying to put my key to my

card re working and I'm like why was key

not working it's mike clark and then

this cute guy comes over and he's like

hey what are ya tryin to break it in my

car and I'm like breaking into his car

when talking about okay you both drive

the same kind of car what a great story

if it's done then the answer is yes

that's good wait a minute how did you

guys mean I was pretty much like your

story except we were both trying to get

in the same pair of pants pants 823 bill

and I met in high school it's a classic

American love story boy meets girl girls

kind of stoned boy had nachos well eric

has taken me to the symphony this

weekend yeah it should be fun my law

firm has a box there that's fantastic oh

you like the symphony no I thought that

was my steak coming well before dinner

does come I better hit the little boy's

room I'll be our back oh isn't it crazy

adorable oh yeah yummy although he did

call the men's room the little boy's

room so don't get your hopes up in the

down there department if you know that's

what I said get a beer now the waitress

will bring you into here not fast enough

Eric oh hey Bill I was on my way to the

bathroom and I got sucked in John

Mellencamp behind the music i love this

one yeah I'm a huge Mellencamp fan

really I remember seeing him concert at

U of I and 86 the opening act was a

young man named George Thorogood I went

to that concert i was there you went to

you of i yeah i was there from 86 to

about three weeks later in 86 good times

I just love going to that school did you

ever go to that bar that was done on

third yes no the waitress that worked it

always worthy yes well you know she and

I we know yeah oh you're my hero dog I'd

be honest I was not too thrilled about

mean another girlfriend's family but

you're all right you're not too bad

yourself we should get back to wait wait

Mellencamp's about to have his heart

attack so yeah yeah it really makes you

think you really got to watch yourself

why here butter says laying on that high

stakes race for the big

oh he's got him in a subatomic headlock

oh that's gotta hurt actually I can tell

you from experience it does hurt you

were wrestling no just married when Eric

seemed to hit it off you know it's

freaking me out that's the bill if

there's no Erica's a classy guy and

worry bill gonna try and teach him how

to burp the alphabet give me some credit

he's not that bad Judy do we have any

hot dogs Eric's never eaten one straight

from the package before see what he's

doing there now you don't have to cook

until they opened up this new barbecue

place in my neighborhood you and me she

goes something Wow guys night out it's

been a while all my friends are married

or have kids or I don't like we're

friends are we yeah I guess we are you

haven't seen a lot of each other we like

to say music same sports cryin out loud

we even finish each other's sentences

here

yeah but you know what sucks about that

now we're out of beer well maybe it's

just as well it'll give me some more

time to spend with my kids Brian what

come down here I want to talk to you

really yeah how you doing give me a beer

Wow bill that's not very nice no no hold

on Brian Eric's right grab him 12 when

he brings the beers don't open them

right away he usually shakes them first

you guys going out with Derek and Aunt

Linda again yeah and they're leaving me

in charge make sure your homework is

done okay so if i get done early do you

think she could teach me how to play

chess really that's great Lauren SF

checkmate loser funny Lauren we're gonna

need that sense of humor when you're

serving cocktails at an Indian casino

I'm sure where your sister winds up

serving cocktails it'll be plant Derek

here don't I heard him no they're not

here yet why you wearing that sweatshirt

that's where I went to college you went

there for three weeks yeah but I lived

in the dorm for six months besides Eric

went to you of i 2 i thought he'd get a

kick out of it are you one after she

well when I shave I put on after shave

you shaved at six o'clock at night why

is that so unusual you didn't shave on

our wedding day in all fairness neither

did you oh this is so cute you're

getting all dolled up for your new best

friend and excuse me aren't you the one

who told me how important family was

supposed to be well one day I hope to

welcome Eric into this family I'm not so

sure you should be our greeter I had the

worst day of my life where's the boot

what's going on I broke up with Eric

what

Oh what bastard cheatham oh my god what

happened oh I'm so went over there to

give him a little surprise and I

surprised he was with another woman

can't believe this guy did this to you

now now wait a minute before we jump to

conclusions maybe there was a perfectly

good explanation for the woman in the

shower with him maybe he didn't know she

was in there shut up honey I'm sorry I

know I am too just really thought this

car might be the one me too is it but

there will be others plenty of others

right bill not like him yeah yeah yeah

plenty of us lots of fish in the sea

couldn't you just knocked all right come

on we'll make a pitcher of margaritas do

our nails and we'll throw darts with the

picture of the guy who dumped you just

like me you make it sound so routine I'm

sorry honey change got something

underneath this outfit is very

uncomfortable well I'm very

uncomfortable that Eric is real Jaquish

I can't believe he did that he's really

gonna hear it from me when we go bowlin

this weekend you're totally empty or is

there like fruit punch what we can't go

bowling with Eric remember what we said

about family will he just screwed over a

member of our family can never talk to

him again but but he's my friend well

you're gonna have to find another friend

I don't want to find another friend I

like Eric what's you bad oh come on Judy

that's not fair first you make me be

friends with and now you say I can't i

can do what i want i'm gonna call eric

right now all right you know what feel

fine if you want to call Eric call Eric

really yeah he hurt my sister really

really bad my baby sister wife taking

care of my whole life but if you want to

call him go ahead there's a phone

you can get to that phone you could call

I hate it when you do that one watching

wrestling yeah are you okay bill you

haven't moved all day my move couches my

only friend well I know a toilet

upstairs that's gonna be very jealous

hello Eric the hell are you doing

calling here yeah yeah you're screwed up

you screwed up big time I shouldn't even

be talking to you how you doing yeah I

saw cops last night that guy did not

look like me all right maybe a little no

no no I'm pretty happy with the long

distance service I have right now sorry

two of us in the room look I gotta go

what Springsteen concert no I can't

luxury box no no there's no way because

family something about family backstage

passes oh man you're k*lling me oh how

can I say no to that many free weekend

minutes ok try I'll meet you in the

parking lot a lot of minutes that's a

lot a minute

man that was pretty good barbecue huh

pretty good those ribs were sex I'd be

asleep right now I'm grab a beer now I

got to be home for dinner you're gonna

eat dinner now hey man's gotta do what a

man's gotta do to be with another man so

you want me to drop you in and walk

again happy great I just need having a

sneak around like is to you ever gonna

cool off enough firsthand again I mean

it's been two weeks I don't know you did

cheat on her sister I know I'm an idiot

I didn't mean to do it it's just that my

ex girlfriend shows up right she's not

wearing anything on under her coat next

thing I know I'm in the shower with her

what are you gonna do wake up for my

dream and try and get some from Judy all

right well here we are oh by the way

that Hawks red wings game we were gonna

go to tomorrow night I can't make it I

gotta work plane man i really wanted to

go to that game i think i'm looking at

an all nighter so see that's why I work

at a department store no all nighters

well except that one time I got locked

in it was a bad night I slept on a

waterbed wore a tuxedo

oh hey look who's home for changes such

he had inventory every night for two

weeks oh yeah well we were counting and

counting and counting glam we decided to

just call it a butt load and go home

hockey game on his plan aux Red Wings

big game okay you'd really love to be a

bit what are you gonna do I told Linda

i'd go with her stupid pottery class or

maybe i won't watch it now maybe I'll

tape it can we watch it together later

yeah if I had not really slept with you

like a gazillion times maybe you could

make a little TV out of clay and watch

that oh what a check welcome to chicago

job doc clays getting right caller after

first period and make something up about

the case uh-huh that's why we had him

want a beer yeah get me one too Ryan can

we talk

I guess I should throw in an actual talk

every once in a while just to throw him

off there Derek clear hey berries at the

game hi not two guys checking each other

into the board that can't be yes well

the hell that guy with I don't know okay

I do I care what I just want to know

what's not a person would hang out with

a cheater a damn cheater what you doing

I'm online I'm a good guy right before I

go any further you and Mama breaking up

I'm going with her no no no what I mean

is you were my age we'd probably be

friends right hang out and stuff fine

with me but after a long hard day at

work what you really want to hang out

with your boss yeah that's a good one

how's the shaven coming I'm just

seriously if we were friends you

wouldn't blow me off right make other

plans behind my back hello it's kind of

a hypothetical situation it is not it

means a made-up situation now that I'm a

grown man Venus cracks me up dad you've

been moping around here for two days

what's going on nothing I just want to

hang out have some guy fun with my guy

oh sorry sorry maybe I should just go no

want to hang out that's cool right so

what are we up to I'm in the middle of

an online chat whoo what's the hot topic

symmetries and geometrical coordinates

ah see here's the tangent and here's the

x coordinates uh-huh and this number

works is slow haha so we were looking

for cosine haha you're trying to think

of a way to leave already did hey Bill

oh good Linda's here here's a surprise

for you she's leaving that's so sweet

hey Bill what's he doing here Eric and I

had a very long discussion yesterday and

Eric realized that he made a terrible

mistake and he's willing to fully commit

to making our relationship work PU what

a load of crap bill I'm sorry but this

guy is a cheater once a cheater always a

cheater you are a cheater mr. isn't that

right cheater please stop saying cheater

so we need to support this decision

besides I thought you lefty right I'm

sorry Judy but I can't just stand by and

watch Lynn to get my heart broken again

did you just say my heart no I didn't

say my heart he broke Linda's heart by

sneaking around with another guy you

mean other woman oh you picked a hell of

a day to start listening to me what was

that all about I saw you what I saw you

with the game with that other guy next

time if you want to be a liar and a

cheat don't get such good seats bill

there was a perfectly good explanation i

do i wanted to go to that game you know

it look I'm really sorry all right it

was a good friend and he was in

chromatic home really what was he

wearing under his coat let me tell you

something I deserve better than this

snuck around with you behind my wife's

back for two weeks what what you snuck

around with him behind my back to plan

that surprise party for you and this is

the I got nothing I can't believe you

will I'll but they're back together now

so everybody's okay no everybody isn't

your family obviously means nothing to

you and it you were supposed to go to

that hockey game with Eric that's why

you got so upset when we were watching

last night what what you were supposed

to go to my pottery class with me what

you said you couldn't go because you had

to go to laurens dance recital what

Lauren honey remember your dance recital

last night and how I was there but then

it started to rain and they told us all

to go home and watch hockey yeah like

you would lie for me sorry Linda but I

love hockey and come on pottery class I

can't believe you like me can't believe

you lied to me want to see what's on TV

sure oh that sounds great Linda yeah

I'll see you tomorrow night crap mother

to go with Linda to some stupid French

pastry class every thursday for the next

six weeks well you know she is your

sister it's important that your

supporter we don't get to bring any of

the pastries home when that blows

there's me right for lying and there's

nothing but trouble down that road

especially with family don't I know it

hey question I'm started chicken up some

college catalogs you guys are Finland

money for my college fund right yeah of

course every week great thanks a lot

okay that does it that is our absolute

last line

[Music]

I wouldn't have

way cuz you make me

[Applause]