01x09 - Still Thankful

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

guilty as charged hello couch couch seat

of my pants I believe you two have met

don't sit dear I just pop those you

fluff them i paid for him oh I win 5-4

this is your funeral you're wrong if it

was my funeral my cousin Phillippe here

hitting on your mother no grandma and

grandpa come in right yeah tomorrow

tonight we relax and pray for a

snowstorm to knock out every brinton

roadway from here to Indiana know that

they decided to come in tonight okay

then tell your mom I had to work late

and i'll see you in the morning nope oh

crap okay uh sponge harmless sponge how

come I'm the only one who's not afraid

to use it honey calm down i heard your

parents are arriving early and I know

they're fighting drives you crazy could

just remember this is our house and

we're adults bill did you wipe your feet

Lauren said I didn't have to

[Applause]

well I think the house is grandparent

ready all the rooms are clean all their

bad gifts are on display and I'm still

not good enough to be married to you

suck it up it's the one thing they agree

on yeah they do seem to bicker more now

than they used to did they ever get

along well when I was a kid they were

both working and their marriage was kind

of distant a lot of things were left

unsaid boy those were good days know

when you get rid of everything they

could throw at each other this place

looks great I don't know how we get so

much crap in here hey we leave the door

unlocked harutora slob no help her hey

16 therapist couldn't how am I suppose

they'll be nice Linda's cooking

Thanksgiving this year why is she

cooking pathetic attempt to get mom and

dad to notice me do you want to trade

places clip and they can call you

morning noon and night to settle every

little argument they call you not much

here we go now Judy they're fighting

drives you crazy but just remember we

have one thing on our side time it's not

allowed to stop how is the dry whoever

sits next to your father during a long

drive did you ever sit next year mother

while she ate a bag of caramels what's

he insisted on taking 94 instead of the

tollway if you say it's up to me then

you got no right to criticize later you

see what i put up with Judy Happy

Thanksgiving hey Bill you got to lose

railing out there somebody could k*ll

themselves climbing those days I know

Hey look who else is here put your other

powder how's my baby girl all grown up

mom daddy

hey hey where are those sweater vests i

crocheted for you the only were those

two I got a little something for you

Brian if you'll go get the luggage okay

there you go thirty-five cents on fig

newtons Thank You fun that's the same as

money y know how the painting i made for

you I got a doll for anybody could tell

me what it is a dollar or a dollar off

dogs okay then bill watch out mom and

dad get their things up to Brian's room

and I'll start drinking I mean dinner I

mean drink thanksgiving morning it's so

great to get up and not have to go to

work their first gene they're not gonna

stop trippin cuz you open the window and

yell shut up I opened the window for air

the shut up 'let's for you

oh you are out Padgett leave terrible

your father's nose was whistling all

night I thought a train was coming if it

comes tonight get on it um ya head get

to cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year

hmm I'll give you a hint well I don't

know about that now it's gonna be really

great I've got a very special menu

picked out at Sage infused turkey yams

with bourbon doll that better be friends

for marshmallows that all sounds

delicious dear if you need help ask judy

she's a wonderful cook okay that's a

good idea if I need help with my wild

rice and blood orange confi I'll ask

duty maybe show of crumble some potato

chips on top listen Judy your dad and I

were thinking that maybe we'd stay a

little longer this year oh you gotta be

kidding me that great we only get to see

the grandchildren a couple times a year

and it's not like we got to get back to

work just for a week or so would that be

okay uh yeah why not that is if you're

sure you condo is safe and you didn't

leave the stove on go beyond right now

electric stove you two can stay as long

as you want uh-huh we could you help me

find the patch for the table yes that'll

do a week or so you're just gonna let

this happen I can't tell my parents they

can't stay with us it would k*ll him

well the loose railing didn't do it I

have to live with it gene all that

butter is gonna k*ll you I know but when

when

how can they not sell socks in a

drugstore is not the drugstores fault

that you forgot to pack socks I didn't

say it was their fault all I'm saying is

two aisles devoted to the foot and not

one her back hey Bill so day two on

the socks huh turn him inside out

they're fine but not feeling good well

I'll tell you bill she's my wife and I

love her but she's hell on the lining of

the stomach you forgot to pick up filled

for the camera

gene you would you mind if I give you a

little advice sh**t I'm all ears and

stomach acid this little trick I use

when when your daughter gets on my

nerves not the judy ever gets ya I got

ya quit sucking up with Eva she starts

yelling at me I asked myself what would

I rather do for the next half hour argue

with my wife or spend quality time with

the TV calmly say Judy you have a point

she walks away and I'm back to the only

button worth pushing but you lost the

argument no that's the beauty of it Judy

thinks she won cuz she heard you have a

point but in my head I was telling her

to quit yappin like a secret language I

call it wife away Oh Jean either up on a

window or put on some shoes we got to

eat in here tonight you know I like what

you have a point thank you did you see

that that's wife away does it always

work that well I have low blood pressure

Jean it ain't because of my healthy diet

and so I got up all my nerve and I

walked across that dance floor to the

prettiest girl there and that gorgeous

girl where's your grandmother six months

later we were married so sweet story

Jean but it was eight months later Helen

when you're right you're right except

when you wrong hasn't been the best

Thanksgiving ever what makes this year

so different Lauren what oh what a great

dinner you have made Aunt Linda

is so sweet honey Brian I would like

some more this really was a wonderful

meal at least I can do is clear the

table jeans get up and help me nothing

would make me happier except if you

would just my hat what's going on I

don't know but isn't it nice I've never

seen them get along like this but Linda

put something in the stuff well it's

beige mushrooms and a secret ingredient

I'll take to my grave this has been a

wonderful thanksgiving dinner and i

would like to make a toast to someone

who went out of their way to make this

night special oh yeah that is so sweet

my son-in-law bill bill must be

something today that I will never forget

really not necessary gene better left

unsaid he taught me that family is the

most important thing of all oh and to my

wife Helen who for 42 years has been the

apple of my eye you want to know what

that means

that was such a sweet toast fan that's

my Genie jellybean me what kind of

mushrooms did you I can't believe my

parents it's a miracle they didn't yell

at each other once well I think that

sometimes life hands you little miracles

and all you can do is be thankful for

them just like I'm thankful for you now

what do you say we go over the river and

through the woods what's got a great

idea but I'll second it one night gonna

get us some pie so we could eat it right

after just when I think I can't love you

anymore go and say something like that

not the pies Linda may disturb all

[Laughter]

[Applause]

what's the matter where's the pie so my

parents having sex on the couch please

tell me that's the name of a drink I

thought they were supposed to be in

Brian's room they were but for some

reason they were downstairs having sex

on the couch man I like that couch I

also like the whole first floor of the

house do you think they saw you oh they

saw me they saw me and they freaked out

and they jumped up a nobility don't ever

want to get all what are we gonna do I

don't even think I can look at them keep

seeing him with his tongue in her ear

judy judy you can't erase those memories

so don't give them to me morning morning

morning morning press the thanks

oh that's always nice to be welcomed I

come over and make everyone a morning

after Thanksgiving breakfast then the

honey that's very sweet oh it's my

pleasure mom now I know you may have

been stuffed last night oh that's fine

now you're ready for a little more

anything fun happen after a lot of sleep

in a lot of Z's okay hey I thought we

had sausage sausage do you have you seen

the saucers stop talking okay first

wanna see what's going on yes there is

that you're all acting weird you know

the family always keep secrets for me

it's like it's like I'm some sort of a

second-class citizen gently fair I

demand to know what's going on I'm not a

part of this fair last night I walked in

that mom and dad having sex okay I'm

different I'm sorry honey I know we

shouldn't have done that in your living

room oh okay mom we would have gone

upstairs but what's your father its use

it or lose it I am really sorry you had

to see us like morning it's just that I

had some wine and I've never seen your

father more charming he was sweet

talking me all day long and Jean do it

that's too much butter it's a sliver the

pad it's a sliver you know what I can't

do this anymore do what Jean pretend to

be nice to you pretend that's right I've

been telling you a whole lot of phony

crap just to shut you up wait a minute

so all those nice things you said

yesterday we're just a load of garbage

this time I can say it and mean it

you're right darling let me ask you this

gene if I'm so annoying how come you

were in such a hurry to get me on that

couch last night because you're a great

piece of ass

I could just never get you to stop

nagging me long enough for me to enjoy

it and I can't believe you lied to mom

that's terrible what do you mad at me

for I got the idea from bill it's what

he's done with you you're in sorry Wow

lovely no bill been telling me a bunch

of phony crash just to shut me up I

secret language he uses it he calls it

wife away Wow honey I know it's gonna

sound like I'm just trying to cover my

own but when I say this but I think your

father's had a stroke i nag you so much

you have to make up a whole language

just to be with me and then you teach it

to my father all right you know what

none of this would have happened if you

just had the courage to tell your

parents that a week is too long for them

to stay all right i took a superman

Linda's wine last night you'll never

happen again of I'm sorry to leave me

alone I had no idea he was such a burden

to you you're not opposed no no we get

it you don't want us around you could

have told the truth when we asked you

but this works too we'll have our bags

packed by noon i'll mail you the socks

well Bryan's drinking I'm not happy

about that

[Music]

Hey hi sorry i couldn't convince your

parents to stay oh they were pretty

angry judy judy couch couch couch Thanks

and i do mean thanks not like when you

say thanks which I recently learned

means shut up I mean I just told you

that that stuff to stop your parents

bickering I didn't mean any of it aha so

you've never used wife away on me okay

maybe a couple of times over the course

of 15 years but only one I really have

20 only when you really have to only

when I'm such a horrible nag you need to

use tricks to get me to shut up that is

so childish you know you're right I

shouldn't have done it it was a stupid

thing to do and I'm sorry feel better

now yeah toughest as I just did it again

and it worked we fight i tell you i'm

sorry and you feel better you may not

like it lady but it works that's what

our marriage is about lies deception

Judy honey don't cry I can't believe I

said all that stuff of course that's not

what's kept this together I'm so so

sorry really this time ha you're damn

right you're sorry oh wait a minute you

just think crying course I did that's

what I do what I want a real apology out

of you

so so every time you cry you just don't

it to get an apology out of me Oh

sometimes I cry for real the beauty of

it is you'll never know with the wrist

testing I called brilliant it's not as

catchy as wife away but it's very

effective wow you're evil I'm into you

I've already been over the river but we

never made it through the woods I'm not

sure what that means becoming more time

yes

[Music]

I wouldn't have it any

way comes back

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