Hey. Hey.
Check it out. I got a new phone with a built-in camera.
Wow, that is pretty cool!
Ah. Isn't it?
We should take pictures of our butts and send 'em to Dana.
Two minds, one thought, my friend.
I'm bringing it tonight to Cousin Sylvia's wedding.
Oh, right, another boring family wedding.
Oh, no, come on. It'll be fun.
Hey, we can take pictures of our butts next to the cake
and then show people the pictures while they're eating it.
Yeah, that's good for the first hour. Then what?
Come on, man. Why do you have so many cousins?
We're breeding folk, Jim.
Look at these hips.
Hey, Cheryl, wanna see my new phone?
Nope.
Hey, honey, I was thinking about what I said last night,
and I kind of overreacted.
I just want to say I'm sorry.
Well, thank you.
That means a lot to me.
Yeah.
What was that all about?
I have no idea.
Did you guys have a fight last night?
I didn't.
I mean, it seemed like a pretty normal evening.
You know, we had dinner, watched TV.
The girls did my hair. We had a tea party.
I prayed for the boy to get older.
It seemed pretty normal to me.
(SCOFFS) Well, aren't you gonna ask Cheryl what that was about?
Yeah, right after I call the IRS and beg for an audit.
Are you kidding me? Think about it.
I had a fight with my wife, I won, and she apologized,
and I don't even know what happened.
(LAUGHS)
That reminds me of the time I found a dollar in an egg roll.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah, rare moments. Rare moments, my friend.
Yeah.
Okay, come on. Take my picture.
Make sure you get my good side.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
Hey, Andy, give me the plans for that Nowak project.
Just a sec. I'm putting the finishing touches on my wedding toast.
Hey, if my Cousin Sylvia was a flower,
what kind would she be?
Oh, I don't know. What kind of flower is fat?
Well, have you written your toast yet?
I'm not gonna write a toast.
I don't even wanna go!
Jim, you have to write a toast.
It's family tradition.
The last person who didn't write a toast
was Great-Uncle Alex.
Seven months later, almost to the day,
they found him dead.
He was a -year-old diabetic with a bad heart.
(CHUCKLING) All right, if you wanna roll the dice.
I'll roll the dice.
Hey.
Oh, hey, wanna see my new phone?
It's always gonna be no.
Cheryl, what are you doing?
I was still feeling bad about last night,
so I made you a picnic.
A picnic?
Wow, roast beef sandwich, cake, grape pop!
Hey, you got anything in that basket for me?
No. I didn't hurt your feelings.
Until now.
Oh.
Anyway, honey, enjoy.
And again, I'm sorry.
Mmm. I love you.
I love you, too. Aw.
I mean, even with, you know, everything.
Yeah.
Yes!
How about that?
She thinks she owes me big.
Oh, you, my friend, are sitting pretty.
Oh, yeah, I got a gimme coming my way, a big one.
What kind of gimme you gonna get?
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Let me think. Let me think. Let me think.
Oh! I got it! I got it!
No. No, Jim.
You have to go to the wedding.
I'll be the only guy at our table.
What about your cousin Carrie?
She's got a moustache.
Hello, my sweet things.
Hi, Daddy. Where's Mommy?
In the living room.
What are you doing?
Tickling Kyle.
If we tickle him long enough, he farts. Watch.
Do it, Kyle. Do it. Come on.
Come on. Do it.
Okay, call me when it happens.
Oh, good. Hey, why don't you jump in the shower?
I laid your suit out on the bed.
Yeah, the wedding.
What? (SIGHS)
Well, Cheryl,
I'm still feeling kind of vulnerable from last night.
I feel like a raw nerve, you know.
Not really in a celebrating mood.
Jim, it's a family wedding. You have to go.
Oh, and I want to be there, I really do,
but you know, weddings are about fun,
and I wouldn't want to ruin it for, you know, Sylvia and Marlon.
Mike. Mike.
(STAMMERING) I just need to work this thing through.
Yeah. Jim, is there any chance that you may be milking this
just a little bit to get out of the wedding?
Cheryl, you know what you said to me,
and you know how it hurt.
Okay, so, if you were me,
could you just put on a smiley face
and pretend you were having fun?
Yeah.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Well, that's you, Cheryl.
That's not me.
I guess I have a little more integrity than that.
Look, honey, here.
Maybe it would help you to just talk it through.
Oh, I've talked about it enough.
With who?
Andy.
We talked about it all day.
And by the way, I told him the whole story,
and he agrees with me.
You talked about it all day?
Yeah, we even had some chamomile tea.
Wow.
It helped. It was nice. It was soothing.
It's a diuretic. Did you know that?
That's good to know.
Well, just stay here and do what you need to do.
(SIGHING) I suppose that would be best.
Listen, tell Cousin Carrie congratulations on the tractor pull.
Although Sylvia and I had that falling-out
over Grandma Bea's sterling-silver candlesticks,
which were supposed to be mine...
Dana, sit down.
I'm totally, totally fine.
I'm just wondering why someone who lives in a trailer...
Right? I mean, would want sterling-silver candlesticks.
I mean, who you gonna entertain? Oprah coming over?
Uh, I think what Dana's trying to say
is may you and Mike have one happy life together.
We love you.
(SIGHS)
So, Cheryl, you've been really quiet all night.
What's going on with you?
I'm still bummed about this whole Jim thing.
What'd you two fight about, anyway?
I don't want to rehash it again. Ask Andy.
Why would I know?
Jim said he told you all about it.
Oh! (CHUCKLING) Right.
Yeah, I believe there was some mention of it.
No, he said you talked about it all day.
Right!
Oh, my God, I ate shellfish!
I have to rush myself to the hospital!
One minute. Oh.
You're not allergic to shellfish.
What are you hiding?
(IN SING-SONG VOICE) I'll never tell.
Well, you know, I guess we can respect that.
Uh, thank you.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, Andy,
do you feel my hand on the top of your underwear?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Yeah.
Well, how would you feel if I pulled it up over your head?
(LAUGHS)
You wouldn't dare, not in a public place.
(GRUNTING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(COUGHS)
(DISHES RATTLING)
All right! All right!
(GROANING)
Jim doesn't even remember the fight!
Ow! Oh!
He just said it to get out of the wedding!
I hate myself.
This is the worst day of my life.
(BUNNY HOP PLAYING)
Ooh, Bunny Hop. That'll work it loose.
Wow.
And to think you made Jim a picnic.
Yeah, it's like a machine.
Food goes in, lies come out.
Yeah.
Well, I'll be at the gift table.
Why?
Well, Sylvia got the candlesticks.
I'm gonna get me a food processor.
Oh.
Hey, Carrie.
Hi.
Hi.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now more of our q*eer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon.
MAN: So, tell me something, handsome,
are you allergic to natural fibers?
Hello.
(CHANGES CHANNEL) Yeah, touchdown! Yes!
Thanks, Andy.
Yeah, no problem. Hey, Jim. Bye.
Wait, stick around. Why don't you watch the game with me?
I mean, I don't know what else is on,
because I've been watching this particular game all day.
Hey. (CHUCKLES)
Jim, it's too bad you missed the wedding.
They had an open bar.
Probably for the best. I would have just gotten myself in trouble.
Yeah, well, the night's still young.
(INAUDIBLE)
(MOUTHING)
Shin hose?
Yeah. Yeah. Shin Ho's.
Great Kung Pao.
Tomorrow afternoon, my treat.
Please don't kick my ass. Bye.
Hey. How was the wedding?
Oh, you know, it was great, but I was miserable.
Yeah? I just kept going over
our argument again and again.
Well, the good news is I worked through it.
So let's not talk about it ever again.
Yeah. You know what would really help me close the door on it?
If you could look me in the eye
and say, "Cheryl, it really hurt me when you said..."
And then just repeat the words I said last night.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Well...
There were so many.
And they're all so hurtful.
Just, you know, pick the ones that hurt the most.
Unless, you don't know what I said.
Shin Ho's!
Yeah, yeah, you bet shin ho's!
Shin ho's everything!
Shin ho's!
You have no idea what that fight was about!
Oh, come on, you telling me I don't remember what kind of conversation we had?
No, I have no clue what that fight was about.
I can't believe I have been b*ating myself up over
something you don't even remember!
Just because I don't remember doesn't mean it didn't hurt.
You have been lying to me since the minute you left for work this morning.
Have I been lying, or did I give you
the opportunity to unload your guilt?
Think about that.
And you're welcome.
Thank you for letting me b*at myself up
for the last hours. Thanks a lot.
Okay, okay, I'm sensing a trace of sarcasm in your voice.
So I'm guessing that we're gonna have this fight
whether I like it or not, right?
Yeah, we are.
Okay. Well, I don't wanna have this fight
until I know what the fight was last night!
All right, all right.
Try to pay attention this time.
I was doing the dishes, and you were sitting at the table.
-down. Five letters.
"'Book 'em,' blank."
Danno.
Yeah, I don't know either.
Hey, honey, would you hand me that plate?
Can you give me a kiss?
No plate, no kiss.
(CHUCKLES) Kiss first, then plate.
If I come over there to give you a kiss,
I can just get the plate myself.
Now you see what I'm going for.
Yeah, the plate is so heavy, and the sink is so far away.
Well, I don't ask you to do my job, do I?
Believe me, there are some days I'd love to switch jobs with you.
Oh, yeah, well, let me know,
because I'll let you go out and build buildings
while I sit around the house and paint my toenails all day.
But not during the busy season
when you got to clean out the lint trap in the dryer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!
No, let me finish!
No, no! There's no finishing here! What?
That wasn't a fight! I was just joking! Oh!
Come on, we were bantering back and forth
like those gay guys do on that show,
which I've never seen.
Yeah, but then you took it too far!
I didn't take it anywhere! What?
Because I was kidding!
Wait a minute, let's discuss the rules of engagement here.
The what? Rules of engagement.
You see, a fight isn't official
unless both people know you're having it.
Come on. That's why they plan boxing matches so far in advance.
They don't just lure some poor sucker into a casino
and b*at his brains out.
Look, I am not gonna be responsible
for something I said in a fight
that I didn't even know we were having.
So what? So, you get a free pass
for manipulating my feelings and blowing off the wedding?
(LAUGHS) Oh, come on, honey. This isn't free.
The last two minutes haven't been a vacation.
Come on.
All right, fine, but if we never had the argument,
I never should have apologized,
so I take it back.
Okay, that's your right under the rules of engagement.
Good.
Great.
So we're done.
Oh, wait a minute! Hold the phone here!
How dare you?
What?
I just remembered why you were apologizing!
Because I'll let you go out and build buildings
while I sit around the house and paint my toenails all day.
But not during the busy season
when you got to clean out the lint trap in the dryer.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, no, I'm busy all the time,
wondering why I married such an idiot.
Yeah, well, this idiot just got -down.
"Book 'em...Rondo."
You called me an idiot!
I thought you were kidding, but you were serious.
Yeah, yeah, I was,
and that "rondo" thing just backs me up.
(GASPS)
You just called me an idiot again!
That's not once, that's not twice, but...
Okay, it was twice.
No, no, no, I want my apology back.
You apologize for what you said!
(IMITATING JIM) "All you do is sit around all day and paint your toenails."
Is that supposed to be me?
No, it could be any idiot.
Three! You just called me an idiot three times! Well...
Come on! Besides, I was joking!
Rules of engagement,
you can say whatever you want, as long as you're just kidding.
Oh, that's right. So that's what we do around here.
We kid, so we can get a million laughs,
and nobody's feelings ever get hurt.
Well, that's just great.
You know, I'm gonna go upstairs, and I'm gonna paint my toenails,
because apparently, that's all I ever do around here!
(CHUCKLING) I know that tone.
We're still having a fight.
Right?
(SIGHS)
Dana, what's with your sister?
Well, she has self-esteem issues,
so she clearly picked a guy
whose failings make her feel better about herself.
Yeah.
Then why is she all mad at me?
Jim, you blew off the wedding.
Oh, I've done that before. That's not it.
(SIGHS) Well, I don't know, but she's still upset,
so there must be something else going on.
Like what?
Well, I don't know.
God, if only there was just some magical way of finding out.
Here's a thought.
What? Go ask her.
Yeah. Any other thoughts?
Look, Jim, she's hurt.
And she's a woman, which means she needs to process,
and whether you like it or not, you need to be there.
Oh.
Kind of like jury duty, huh?
Yeah, except this time, you can't get out of it
by showing up without your pants.
Here. Let me give you a hand.
No!
Oh, come on, I'm not gonna come on to you.
I just want to help.
Although if you give me the signal,
I can switch gears like that.
I can get it.
Okay.
I'm just here to help you process.
Process?
Oh, you're only here 'cause Dana sent you.
No, no, I also came up...
If you don't use the bathroom, my favorite crossword's in there.
Oh, come on, Cheryl.
Are we gonna be Mr. and Mrs. Serious from now on?
I mean, watch C-Span all day
and look up words in the dictionary?
No, we don't have to be serious all the time.
Well, then, what? What's going on?
I don't know. Maybe I just don't wanna be the butt of everyone's jokes.
Everybody? Who's everybody? Andy and Dana?
They're out. I'll change the locks on the house.
No, no.
It's not Andy and Dana.
Well, then, who else is there?
All we got left are the girls.
(SCOFFS)
What? You know what?
It's the girls.
Then don't be mad at me! Let's go wake them up,
tell them they can't watch TV for a week,
and hit the sack.
No, I'm still mad at you, but it's because of the girls.
Girls, I need you to clean up the mess you made in the living room.
Can't you do it, Mommy?
No, I'm busy.
You're not busy. You just paint your toes and eat bonbons all day.
Yeah, and Daddy brings home the bacon.
Are you saying they got that from me?
Yeah, along with Ruby's snoring and Gracie's fear of hoboes.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, come on.
When did this happen?
A few days ago.
Well, why didn't you tell me when it happened?
You weren't around, and then life takes over.
Jim, I didn't even realize how much it upset me till right now.
Oh, so, you needed time to process.
Yeah, don't make me hate that word.
I was just teasing you, honey.
Don't stop me from teasing you.
(STAMMERING) I know. Honey, look,
I love it when you tease me, I do,
but you've got to be careful in front of the girls.
It's hard to do.
I mean, they're around all the time, and I'm always funny.
Yes, honey, you're always funny.
(CHUCKLING) I am, aren't I?
Honey, you know, the girls just don't get sarcasm.
Well, maybe we should send them to a different school.
(LAUGHING) No, honey. No.
Why don't they get it?
They're just too young to understand it,
so when you tease me about being lazy,
the girls think it's true.
Really? Yeah. Honey, come on.
Jim, I really, really want them
to value what I do around here.
And what exactly is that? Hey.
Aw, come on! Come on!
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
All right, I get it.
I didn't realize the girls didn't understand that kind of humor.
(CHUCKLING)
I'll watch what I say in front of them.
Aw, thank you.
You're welcome.
You may now help me with my dress.
Yes!
Wow, this is nice. Thank you.
Nice material. Thank you.
You know what you should do?
You should put tissues on your hangers
so it doesn't get all bulgy here in the shoulder.
Where did you learn that?
Uh, football.
At halftime, they give tips, you know.