[Music]
he'll have you seen my holiday to-do
list no I just put up the outdoor Santa
it was so heavy I had to pull it by its
feet across the lawn the neighbors
thought I was bringing you home from
your office party oh I love Christmas
break spending time with the people that
mean to most me oh my friends I'll be at
the mall minute honey I thought today
we'd go as a family to get our Christmas
tree dude even going to your parents for
christmas we don't need to get a tree we
need a plan we could smoke no we parents
are a drag car keys please no I'm sorry
your brother needs the car for his new
job brian is blowing his Christmas
vacation on a job could he be any more
lame that's hiding tall answer would be
yes well I'm off to my caroling job at
the mall our group is called the
Fezziwig two straight out of Dickens it
ain't straight you're gonna get the
Dickens me that in people I have to go
see you at Eventide little fiddle
people's life it'll prob dude a doozy oh
great so now I'm stuck here thanks to
the nerd full Dodger Warren you're not
stuck we could go Christmas shopping and
maybe skating can't down help you with
your shopping no your father has a
disability he's lazy I'm still waiting
for you guys to put in ramps at least
you can help me out by forging your
father's signature on these Christmas
card make sure you put something
personal on each one shows that I care
great so because brian has a job he gets
out of everything well I have to do all
the boring Carcosa but on my cape goosey
goosey goosey gum goosey go to
tiki god help us everyone
[Applause]
[Music]
hey man okay say I don't see you before
the holidays and got you a little
something oh oh I love it 16 ounces just
my side and here's the garden Oh to my
best friend in the world every morning I
wake up and thank the heavens who I want
to read that later I don't know glass of
wine and kind of let myself go Stetson
it is Christmas hell out there I've been
to three stores and I still can't find
penis crappy overpriced Daisy dumbass
doll which Santa is bringing I don't
care who brings it just give it here by
the 25th primary keep it down at p's and
eats and talks I swear I'm going to have
another child and let her race him isn't
that why we have Tina for Lauren to play
but it's like a vicious endless cycle I
am wiped out i still have a million
things to do i have to bake cookies for
the office party by a grab bag gift
finish shopping for the kids i have like
a thousand presents to wrap by the way
i'm planning to get you a really special
Christmas gift I just need to know what
you want where to go and money I have a
great idea let's not get each other a
gift this year it'll be one less thing
for me to do that it also give me one
less thing to do which would bring your
list 20 sweet you don't think she's
really serious about the no presents
thing do you I'm taking another word and
hoping to stretch it to Valentine's Day
dude women are complicated sure right
now she says no presence but then she's
gonna get off oh it's the holidays I
have to buy villa present cuz he's so
sweet and warm and the most wonderful
person in the well I covered some of
this is my card
my point is you do not want to show up
empty-handed maybe you're right I should
probably pick her up a little something
you know you seem to know a lot about
women after three marriages I am
sensitive to the fact that women be nuts
love the holidays crap i'm not a
cinnamon dot think anyone will notice
that the buttons on these snowmen more
advil no just tell them not to have more
than one cookie every four hours listen
I got some bad news I can't go with you
guys I mom and dad for christmas why not
well I got to do with parrying Reno he's
the MC of a holiday review called jingle
boots which is a lot classier than it
sounds it's not is it are you still
gonna make those side dishes mom
assigned to you oh yeah of course you're
not are you great add another thing to
my list oh sorry I just don't have time
to cook do you mind well since it's
Christmas and I love you I'll make
Lauren do it
whatever it is i can't i just got a job
waiting tables at platters they needed
some extra help for the holidays how do
i put you're not giving me money for
college we were going to see how high
school pans out wait a minute I'm not
sure I like you working all the way
across town and not coming home till
late I get to bring home leftover pie
carry mace and don't wake me when you
come in unless it's chocolate cream or
bury you know make it all pies Christmas
stuff what happened nothing we haven't
seen comments as he said turn off the
football game the tonys are on I just
couldn't believe it we were singing the
12 days of Christmas and people started
throwing food you know 12 mini hot dogs
11 frozen yogurts 10 will you get the
idea anyway them all fired us that's
wonderful honey you could be my holiday
helper it'll be fun man I thought mom
was taking care all the Christmas crap
around here yeah I got a job now for car
keys please we're about at Linda oh I'll
be with my husband having a good old
fashioned topless Christmas wait you
know yeah I try to spread a little
holiday cheer on what did it get you
some salted pretzels and a son that is
slowly k*lling me
hey welcome to splatters would you like
to hear the specials sure so I am
starving let's find a real waitress how
your parents really think you work here
yeah it was the perfect scam to get out
of my mom's holiday chores now brian has
to be your christmas off but the loser
even has a costume so after we eat you
want to go back to my house and see how
we're doing on rate your butt org yeah i
bet we both scored a know your
family here what the hell are you doing
here well we had to take a little trip
to the emergency room there was a slight
electrical missed half while Brian was
hanging the Christmas lights he got all
shaky it was hilarious good news is I
took a picture and I'm fine
so we are in the neighborhood we thought
we'd see our girl at work aren't you
gonna see them uh yeah yeah they say me
I'll take it from here I understand you
accept competitors coupons yeah it's not
a coupon you just broke free steak on a
piece of paper actually I'm not going to
be waiting on you guys they already have
me training a new girl and don't mention
me because she's a little insecure
yakshi the movies welcome to platters
where service matters the specials are
on the board don't make me read them
you can come out now they're gone oh
that was close under there forever you
know it looks sister h croutons off the
floor can't believe I pulled it off my
friends think Brian's the smart one and
they're right your button ah oh where
are you talking about I am just waiting
on Becca would you like to see our wine
would okay dropping your little scans /
I saw a picture of your new be on the
wall she was Employee of the Month in
1959 gonna rat me out to mom and dad
actually no I had another idea oh god
Brian let's go live to him that night
gown i bought for Grandma and you're her
size oh sorry mom I can't help you
anymore i just got a job here too but
you're supposed to be helping me but
when do they need you to start your at
me happy birthday right now happy okay
from your friends at letters
[Music]
hey there you are I've been looking all
over you you're not in line to see Santa
Claus all right now if you're gonna bet
vibe me anyway I took your advice and
bought Judea CD right now you're all set
in case your Springs and president on
you yeah I just hope I gotta the right
thing Wow look at that is a beautiful
ray ok TV never expect me to buy
something like that all of these only
come around once you're here you know
what you're right i'm buying myself a
think you might just love the feeling of
Christmas there's just something in the
air smell of 5,000 people in overcoats
bad that I pretend I laser vision and
every time I blink my eyes and blowing
somebody's head up Judy Betty's got the
Christmas you're trying to float my head
aren't you not working dholna jewelry
store what's he doing in to you looks
like i'll tell him to go to ring and
sweet sweet man we said no presence but
he couldn't resist come on I gotta go
find him something special he's just
when you think he's only thinking about
himself and does something generous like
that what the hell I'll take the one
with the bigger stones I'm worth it
[Music]
Tina Marie ah we're leaving for Grandma
and Grandpa's three hours in the car did
you go to the bathroom yes already stop
treating me like a baby I was talking to
your father all set let's go I love you
what was that for no I just love you I
don't like the sound of that have a good
time at Grandma and Grandpa's it tells
me that you two aren't going with us I
should call your boss and tell him how
important it is to spend Christmas with
your family No you'll get us fired yeah
if I get blacklisted as a waitress what
kind of future am I gonna have mah I
guess not much of one thank you I think
okay well you to be safe and don't
forget the most important thing no more
mincemeat I don't care what anyone says
it's not a pie by what you see you know
who needs Christmas anyway we're way too
old for that besides we have the whole
house to ourselves I'm gonna invite
Becca over we're gonna crank call all
the dweebs in our school oh great and he
keeps coming over for a jam session
since when are you guys in a band no
silly we're making jam oh sounds cool
I'm going to need yours and high King's
phone number shirt
[Music]
well he's got off the phone with her
team of course you're spending Christmas
Eve with his family so you can't make
jam no he's the one with the double
boiler Becca's hanging out with her
parents too loser LOSC are it's both
loser which I guess also applies well I
just don't know the fun at their missing
when they're wasting time with their
family they sure don't do you want to
crank call me again you were way too
happy just to be getting a phone call
you know what let's kick this party up a
notch I know just the thing I already
told you once i am not going to help you
set up your Star Wars nativity scenes
beer party time wow this must be the
kind of needs an opener oh and that must
be our pizza pizza beer it's good to be
grown up huh wrap up its mom and dad
we're supposed to be work quick to the
basement let's get my sick baby up to
bed I can't believe we're not gonna make
it to your folks house be sure and find
out exactly what she ate so we can give
it to her again next year bill fish
sticks this week stop for dinner I'm
starving
you know least it's a Christmas miracle
dad's eating our pizza how do you know
well he's making those creepy moans and
that can only mean two things I don't
hear mom saying hurry up so it's got to
be the pizza suck come on I'm cold and
hungry we just go out there and tell
them the truth no you have to wait till
mom and dad policy they'll just sent
that we got in late from walks you're
right yeah I can do this oh no dad's
modes are getting louder you know what
that means you found the cheesy branding
well Tina has a fever but she managed
fall asleep did you order a pizza no but
I thought about it technology is amazing
well I have to say don't mind missing
the trip to indiana but now we have
nothing planned for christmas or do we I
know we said we wouldn't but I couldn't
help myself i bought you a little
something I couldn't help myself either
I bought you something too no stop you
didn't I don't believe it you big crazy
present guy we are still have you think
Christmas I'll put on some music you
start a fight off we need something to
burn hey where's Brian's cape and that
stupid hat here found the Christmas tree
skirt to keep warm are they doing a
little bit I put on music and I think
they'd let a fire like like we do every
year we open presents do you remember
last year for breakfast mom made those a
little pancake shaped like snowmen and
sure what I love you in syrup yeah
stupid pancake stupid I love you in
syrup
Merry Christmas honey a watch Wow and
it's got those fancy Super Bowl numbers
on it you mean Roman numeral you'd be
the Super Bowls American well you
deserve it now show you how much you
mean to me a CD issue paper more tissue
paper here it is I mean what's really
what is it you do in free with purchase
no more broken fingernails for you my
lovely lady where the hell's my ring
what I signed the mall buying a ring
who's it for who do you want more than
me you bought yourself a pinky ring it's
my birthstone well I hope you and your
hand will be very happy together Judy I
don't know what you're so mad about
you're the one who said no president I
know but then I saw you in the mall and
I don't know I thought you know what
you're right thank you wait why because
I did this to myself I lost the
Christmas spirit i turn the holidays
into a big list of chores and now I'm
paying the price for it look at this
lousy christmas no tree no dinner Tina's
sick and the worst part is Brian and
Lauren aren't even here just feel kind
of weird especially since this is the
last Christmas before Brian goes away to
college do you realize this may be the
last time we're all together for the
holidays wow I really thought of it that
way
stupid college know why I'm making such
a big deal of her stupid ring what I
really really wanted our family to be
together Christmas isn't about present I
I still get to keep the watch right the
only present that would make me happy
right now is it Brian and Lauren we're
here I really miss them we're here home
well we were hiding in the basement
because we lied about having jobs we
didn't want to spend our whole Christmas
vacation during a bunch of boring
Christmas chores are going to Grandma
and Grandpa but we heard all the
wonderful things you said so we're
giving you the present that you really
wanted all of us together Merry
Christmas mom what can't believe you
lied to me there's a job for you trying
to survive without TVs phones computers
and possibly food now get upstairs Just
Answer come yet honey what are you doing
out of bed I'm feeling better now can we
open presents not your brother and your
sister they've been very bad and they're
being punished so there's no Christmas
mommy oh you know what get down here all
yeah really yeah I'll be mad tomorrow
tonight it's Christmas we may not have a
lot but we have each other and really
what else do you need the presents are
ruined at exactly 11 35
I'm feeling better no wait a minute
[Music]
wouldn't have it any
away cause you back
[Applause]
04x09 - Still Avoiding Christmas
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Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.
Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.