Hey, Daddy? Yes, my dove?
Can we hold umbrellas and jump off the garage?
No, you can't do that. That's too dangerous.
Then can we have popsicles?
All right, all right, I see what you're doing here.
You're opening with something big
so you can get something smaller.
I invented that.
So can we? Absolutely. Well played.
James.
Andrew.
(CHUCKLING) What, what?
Have I got some good news for you. What?
You and I are spending a glorious weekend
at Fritz Kruer's cabin up in Wisconsin.
Wow, that place is supposed to be great.
How did you get it?
Oh, Fritz and I ended up in a high-stakes dice game last night.
You playing craps with one of our clients?
Craps? Please. We're not roustabouts.
We played a gentleman's game of skill.
Dungeons & Dragons.
Uh-huh.
Well, you better be careful out in the woods.
You know, it's still nerd season.
It's okay. They give us special vests.
Uh-huh.
All right, so when are we going?
And don't say next weekend. Next weekend.
Oh, no. What?
Cheryl's never going to go for that.
Next weekend is when Aunt Kunka is coming to visit.
Aunt Kunka?
Is she the one with the unibrow
who soaks her underwear in the sink?
Yeah, she doesn't trust washing machines.
Or toothpaste from what I remember.
So stick her with Cheryl.
What's the point of having a wife?
I get to sleep next to a beautiful woman...
Instead of staying up all night playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Don't knock it. Try it once, you'll get hooked.
Yeah, try mine once, you'll get hooked, too.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
Okay, Cheryl, come on. Come on, up.
Out of my chair, out of my chair. No, no!
You've been watching TV for an hour.
If you wanted more time, you should have put it in the wedding vows.
Let's go. Jim, no, no, no.
Dr. Ted's almost over. Only one more minute.
Yeah, he's about to give us his word of the day.
Yeah!
DR TED: (ON TV) Now, until tomorrow,
I want y'all to think about this word...
Gratitude.
Gratitude. Gratitude.
You know what my word of the day is?
My. My TV, my chair, my remote.
Hey, hey, hey.
My... Small word, so much power.
Mmm-hmm.
MAN: (ON TV) Attention, Chicagoland viewers.
Dr. Ted will be in your area this weekend for his two-day seminar,
Making Good Marriages Great.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Dana, write down that address!
We should go down there and have Dr. Ted sign our books.
Oh, that's brilliant.
It'll be just like when we met Journey.
Remember, you made out with the security guard,
and we were backstage in no time.
What?
Oh, just the once, honey.
Look, if you really want to see Dr. Ted,
why don't you just sign us up for his seminar?
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, I'm serious.
You want to spend the weekend at a marriage seminar?
Why... Why is it so odd that I want to work on our marriage?
What?
Well, Jim, it's on a weekend,
and... And you'd have to get up early.
And shower.
And change who you are.
Fine, if you want to talk me out of it, that's just fine.
No, no, no, no, no! No, I mean, if... If you're serious,
then I'm going to call and get us tickets before you change your mind.
Oh, Cheryl. Get me a ticket, too.
Oh, Dana, it's... It's a marriage seminar, and, well...
If you liked the Journey story,
ask her about Whitesnake.
And Def Leppard.
And Debbie Gibson.
Jim...
You beautiful, sensitive man. Oh...
Oh, I didn't think I knew you, but...
Come on, you don't know me. You don't know me at all.
Come here. No, no, no, get away from me.
(CHUCKLING)
That little performance just bought me a fishing trip to Wisconsin.
How? Well...
I just made a deposit in what I call the marriage bank.
I deposit something Cheryl wants, a seminar,
and I withdraw something I want, a...
Fishing trip. Nice. Uh-huh.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're going to make Cheryl babysit Aunt Kunka?
Well, it is a big check, but I just covered it.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, honey, it was so great of you to suggest this.
I mean, we already have such a good marriage,
but anything good can always be better.
Well, then why do you get so upset when I put ketchup on your meatloaf?
There's already ketchup in it!
Oh, yeah, you're here 'cause your marriage is so great.
Hey. Hey.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, you know how much I love Dr. Ted,
but as the darling of every s hair band reminded me,
I'm still single, so I got me a husband.
As if she could ever trap this piece of man steak.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Dr. Ted!
(WOMAN SHRIEKS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Are you people ready to...
ALL: Set things right?
Yeah, give yourself a big round of applause.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You know, during my many years of counseling couples,
I have uncovered the hidden danger in every marriage.
It's in my new book, Making Good Marriages Great,
available in the lobby, $ . .
And I have given this danger a name,
and I call it... Tova, please.
The Marriage Bank.
Now, the Marriage Bank is a place
where couples deposit and withdraw favors.
Now, the thinking is,
"I will only do something for you if you do something for me."
Now, is that starting to sound familiar to some of you people?
Come on, raise your hand if it does.
Raise your... Come on, folks!
I thought we were here to...
ALL: Set things right!
Yeah.
The key to a successful marriage,
is to avoid tit-for-tat behavior.
I am so glad we don't do that.
(LAUGHING) No. I'm just glad that I don't even know
what the hell he's talking about. Hmm, I know.
Oh, honey, thank you so much
for going to that seminar with me.
Oh, you're welcome, baby.
You don't have to thank me
or, you know, do anything in return. Oh!
'Cause I just want to set things up.
Yeah, honey, it's "Set things right."
That, too. That, too.
I love you.
I love you more.
(LAUGHING)
Crap!
Now I can't trade that seminar in for a fishing trip.
Hold on a second.
Did you see how proud Cheryl was of you?
Yeah, so?
So, Jim, the deposit's been made.
You just have to be creative about how you make that withdrawal.
You have my attention. Continue.
If I bring up the fishing trip now...
Hmm.
If I bring up the fishing trip now in front of her,
she'll think it's a brand-new idea,
and she'll still think that you wanted to go...
Ow!
And she'll still think you wanted to go to the seminar
just because you love her.
You know, Andy,
if you didn't have such a long history of being an idiot,
I'd say you were a genius!
Follow my lead. I'll follow it.
Here, honey. I brought you a beer
for no other reason than I love you.
Oh, you are so sweet. Aw.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Go up to your place this weekend?
You, Fritz Kruer... Go up to your cabin,
up on the Iron River in Wisconsin next weekend?
Well, I'll tell Jim, but there's no way
he's going to pass up this golden opportunity.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hey, Andy.
What was that about?
You're never going to guess.
Fritz Kruer invited us to use his fishing cabin
in Wisconsin next weekend. Oh!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, next weekend?
Yeah.
Rats.
That's the weekend my Aunt Kunka is coming to visit.
Oh, right. But, Jim, come on.
No, no, Andy. No, no, no, no, no.
This is not fair to Cheryl, and...
And our marriage is more important
than a once-in-a-lifetime fishing opportunity
(LAUGHING) up in Wisconsin.
Jim!
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
Case closed.
(SIGHS)
You know, honey...
Yes, my young bride?
You love to fish.
You should go.
I mean, you did this whole marriage seminar for me, right?
Well, honey, Dr. Ted said we should avoid
any tit-for-tats in a marriage.
I don't expect anything in return for letting you go.
I mean, did you expect anything from me for going to this seminar?
Well, Cheryl, yes.
An even better marriage.
Oh, honey.
Look at you two.
Boy, did I marry the wrong sister.
So...
When you sow seeds in the garden of marriage,
you harvest a salad of love.
(SOBBING)
Kiss! Kiss!
ALL: (CHANTING) Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
DR TED: Go on.
Give it to her. Give her one.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Maybe they're not there yet.
Thank you, thank you.
Guys, we're going to take a quick ,
and then we're going to do a fun little exercise on intimacy.
Ooh, intimacy.
Whoa, I hope you're wearing your good underwear.
Oh.
Whoo, all that talk about salad
put me in the mood for a burger.
Jim, it's only a -minute break.
Can you really find a burger that fast?
(SLURPING) Sounds like a challenge to me.
Oh.
That, uh, that t-shirt looks great on you.
Of course, it'd look a lot better off you.
(GRUNTS)
What are you doing?
We're married.
It's okay. I told her we're swingers.
Oh!
No, we're not.
We are a loving couple.
We have adorable twins Max and Maddie,
and we listen to books on tape in our hybrid vehicle... Oh, okay.
And he makes me laugh and laugh... Stop. Stop it.
Just stop it. I want a divorce, all right?
These walls... They're closing in on me!
This birdie's got to fly!
Fine, but I'm telling our Mother,
that you were the worst husband ever!
We have different fathers, so it's cool.
Hey.
Oh, can you believe that jerk?
Well, to be honest, I'm kind of surprised
you got him to come at all.
Oh, we made a deal.
I said I'd housesit for him while he's fishing in Wisconsin.
They didn't find out about that trip till last night.
Sure they did.
No, I was there when they got the call.
That's weird.
No.
No, it's not.
I bet Jim knew about that
when he offered to do the seminar with me.
(SCOFFS) 'Cause he loves me.
My ass!
You got all that from that one little thing I said?
I've been married to Jim for a long time.
The one thing that always trips him up is time lines.
Well, that and Velcro.
So what are you going to do?
I'm going to make a good marriage petty and vindictive.
Excellent. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
Okay, okay. I got my burger.
Well... What was my time?
I wasn't timing you.
What? Why did I buy you that nice watch?
Oh, you mean my Folex?
Well, I can't take it back. The guy drove away.
Mmm-hmm.
So you must be pretty excited about that fishing trip.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, I am, although you know what?
I'm going to miss you, as I oft do.
Oh, you sweet, sweet man. (CHUCKLING)
Oh, my sweetie pie.
Okay, people, break's over.
Time to do-si-do, huh?
So grab your partner,
line up in front of some piece of equipment.
As you see, what we got here set up,
is what I like to call...
The Love Walk.
Now, the Love Walk is a trust exercise,
because one of you is going to be blindfolded,
and you are going to have to trust your partner
to lead you through this course
using only words.
No touching.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, honey. You know what?
We're not going to be very good at this.
I mean, touching is my best thing.
And listening is way low on the list.
But, you know, why don't we start with you? You start.
No, I insist, honey. You go first.
(SIGHING) All right, all right.
Oh, come on... Oh, nice.
Hey, you nervous?
Well, yeah. I mean, I can't see a darn thing.
Well, honey, you don't have to be nervous.
You know you can trust me,
just like I know I can always trust you.
Okay, now, take one more step... Hey, hey, no touching.
Oh, okay.
Okay, one more step. One more. Right.
One more. Okay, now step up and over,
over, up, up, over.
Great. You did it. Yes! I did it! I did it! Yes!
Good job, honey. We can do it!
Let me ask you something. Keep walking.
What prompted you to take this seminar with me?
Oh, lots of things, honey.
Uh, unselfish love being one of them.
Aw, that is so sweet.
All right, go ahead, honey. Step.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Step.
(GRUNTING) Oh!
Oh, honey... Oh, my bad. My bad.
(GRUNTING)
I'm sorry. I meant to say ramp. I'm sorry.
That hurt, Cheryl.
I know, baby, but you're good, you're good.
Now you got clear sailing, okay?
I trust you. I know, honey, and you should.
You're good, see?
You're doing so great, honey.
And there's only one guy who's actually faster than you,
but in your defense, he's much younger.
(GRUNTING)
Cheryl!
I know you're only here 'cause of that fishing trip!
I'd like a new partner, please. No. No.
Anybody want to trade? You put your arm down.
All right, how did you figure it out?
How do I always figure it out?
Damn. Time lines.
I don't believe you.
You didn't come here out of love.
You just wanted to stick me with your creepy Aunt Kunka.
Okay, fine, it's obvious you're in one of your moods,
so why don't we just cut our losses and go home?
No, no.
You want to go fishing, you are staying here till the end.
This marriage bank check hasn't cleared yet.
Fine. But I don't need your help.
I'm / th Cherokee.
I'll let the voices of my ancestors guide me.
See?
(GRUNTING)
I'm fine!
Hold on. Hold on, everybody.
I want everybody to focus on Jim and Cheryl right back here.
Everybody, I want you to take a look at this man.
Thank you!
No matter how many times his wife led him into a wall
or just abandoned him,
he dusted himself off and tried to...
ALL: Set things right.
With his marriage.
Let's give Jim a big hand.
No, no, no, no, no, no applause!
Please, please, please. I didn't come here for applause.
I came here to work on my marriage, and to...
ALL: Set things right!
No, no, no, no, no applause!
He doesn't deserve it.
Shame on you, Cheryl. Shame. Oh.
And shame on you, Jim, for being such a doormat.
Oh, you got a real problem, friend.
You're going to have to find out what it is you want.
Jim is going to have to find out
what Jim loves,
that Jim doesn't get to do anymore.
(JIM SNIFFLING)
Jim likes to fish.
No. I am not taking care of your Aunt Kunka while you go fishing.
Ooh.
Looks like Cheryl the accountant's
trying to cook the books in the marriage bank.
What...
She does that a lot.
I bet she does.
People, this man is what I like to call,
one-half of a good marriage.
Now, how many of you agree with me?
Oh, thank you. No, no, it's not necessary.
It's not necessary.
Please, please. Oh, all right. Everybody needs a hero.
(LAUGHING) Yes.
How are you? Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
(MOCK CRYING) "I want to go fishing."
I should have married Andy.
Oh, hey. Hey!
Come on, Cheryl.
You're tearing us apart here.
How long are you going to hold onto this?
It happened half an hour ago.
Come on, honey.
I don't know what upsets me most...
That you embarrassed me in that seminar,
or that you only went 'cause you wanted something in return.
Cheryl, it's the way of the world. No.
Everybody does it, including you.
Oh, I do not.
(SCOFFS) Really?
How come every time you feed me lasagna,
all of a sudden, we're going antique shopping?
(GASPS)
How dare you?
Please, it's a total bribe.
You're throwing some noodles and meat on my plate,
and then we're looking at dead people's furniture.
Well, that is just a coincidence.
Oh, really, really?
Is it a coincidence that every time
you put on your cheerleading outfit,
I end up going to some co-ed baby shower
or a wedding or someplace you're going to show me off at?
Fine.
Fine, maybe... Maybe...
Once in a while, I... I do the marriage bank thing.
You happy?
Well, I'm not happy, but...
I'm a lot more smug than I was a minute ago.
Aw, this is so sad.
I thought we were better than this.
I certainly thought I was better than this.
Well...you're not.
You know what? We're not.
But who cares, Cheryl?
This works.
We've got a good marriage.
I know.
It doesn't mean anything coming from my husband.
(LAUGHS)
I really wanted to hear it from Dr. Ted.
Why? Dr. Ted doesn't love you like I love you.
In fact, he doesn't really even like you.
(LAUGHING) Come here. Come over here.
Oh.
Come on. I have a little...
(SIGHS) Intimacy exercise we could try.
Oh, hey.
You know, I'd love to,
but first, you have to mow the lawn.
Cheryl, you can't trade sex for lawn care.
Why not? I traded it for this house.
That was a good trade.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, pick up the kids?
Steak for dinner?
Take out the garbage? Carrot cake for dessert?
Done. Love you.
Love you more.