(JIM GROANS)
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
You know, this is what I hate about the holidays.
There's no parking spaces anywhere.
Sounds like somebody could use a little Christmas spirit.
Oh, Cheryl.
(SINGING [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS)[/span]
Okay, okay, okay, I got the stupid spirit now.
Can you stop singing?
Oh, look, there's a lady with some bags.
Ask her if she's leaving.
Cheryl, I'm not gonna ask her anything.
She's old. She's gonna want to talk.
[span tts:fontStyle="italic"](WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS[/span] PLAYING)
All right, shut it off. Shut it off. I'll ask her.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Alan, is that you?
That birdhouse you built me fell down!
Well, don't worry.
I'll be over tomorrow to fix it.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you.
I don't know why I ever listen to anyone but me!
Oh, look! There's a spot. That guy's leaving.
Oh, good eye, good eye, good eye.
Hey! Hey, did you see that?
That jerk just took my parking spot!
I know, I know. We'll find another one.
No, but I found it first! It's mine, it's mine!
It's my spot! Mine!
Jim, it's Christmas. Let it go.
(SIGHS)
Fine.
But next Halloween, you're egging houses with me.
Hey! (GASPS)
Hey! He just hit my car!
He's a dead man!
No, no. No, honey, count to . Count to .
Ten!
Jim! Jim!
My territory. My territory, Cheryl.
Let's not make this the Christmas
I have to bail you out of jail.
Cheryl, that jerk just backed right into us.
I know, I know, honey. Honey, it's the holiday season.
This is the time of year to be our better selves.
Cheryl, why is it always my job to be the better self?
Why can't it be his job? Why can't it be the season
for him not to be a sucky driver?
Jim, I want you to be nice
because it's important to me.
Fine.
I'll be nice.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas...
Idiot! You backed into my van! Oh... Jim!
Hey, I'm sorry.
I was listening to Howard Stern.
He's got two strippers kissing.
You guys okay?
Do we look okay? Yeah, you look fine.
Well, then we're fine.
But my car's not fine.
You just banged the hell out of it.
Well, I'll have a look-see.
Come have a look-see.
Okay. You look, and you'll see.
I'll see.
Right there.
Oh, yeah, you're right. Looks like I kind of
tagged you a little bit there, didn't I?
Cheryl, that's an admission of guilt.
Note the time. Got it.
I'll just write out my insurance information for you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Insurance is for having, not for using.
I want cash.
CHERYL: No, no, no, no! Now!
Jim, that is not how it works. Cheryl...
But we'll take your insurance information,
and we'll be on our way.
Well, thanks for being so understanding.
And, hey, that's a really swell Christmas scarf you got there.
Oh, thank you. You know, I knitted it myself.
And wait, my brooch... My brooch, it plays...
Cheryl, don't.
Okay, so, uh,
you guys have a super-duper Christmas.
Aw, thank you.
"Super-duper Christmas"?
Who says something like that?
"Super..."
It's "Merry Christmas" or "Happy holidays."
Have a little respect for Christmas,
you jackass!
JIM: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] Oh, baby![/span]
So, Jacob Marley said to Scrooge,
"I am here this night to warn you.
"You will be haunted by three spirits."
What are spirits?
You know, ghosts.
(ALL GASP)
We don't like ghosts.
No ghosts!
Okay, um... What do you like?
Hilary Duff.
Lil' Romeo.
Ice cream.
Okay, you will be haunted by Hilary Duff,
Lil' Romeo,
and ice cream.
What flavor?
Oh! Do you guys want me to read this or not?
We told you we didn't.
Fine! A two-year old Christmas tradition is dead.
Well, the tradition of you boring people out of the room is alive.
Well, well, well, Cheryl, I hope you're happy.
Well, how could I not be? It's Christmas.
Although, I can't find my musical brooch.
Did you look underneath my hammer?
Cheryl, I just got off the phone with the insurance agent.
You know that guy that hit us in the parking lot?
He gave me fake information.
No! Yes, Cheryl.
Isn't that super-duper?
Yeah, Cheryl.
Once again, your blind faith in humanity
has bitten us in the ass! Well...
I should have just handled it the way I wanted to handle it.
Throw his shirt over his head and pants him?
Yes!
I should have married you.
Oh!
Now, Cheryl, it's gonna cost us five big ones to fix it.
$ , ?
Well, medium ones.
$ , Cheryl! We're out bucks.
Well, I hope you like love,
because that's all I can afford this year.
Well, it's better than that lawnmower you got her last year.
She got a lot of use out of that lawnmower!
Look, Jim, you're right, okay?
I am right. That guy was a jerk.
That guy was a jerk, and I'm really sorry about the money.
Money... But you know what?
I am not gonna let him or you
or anybody else ruin Christmas for this family.
Cheryl, I'm sorry, that's already happened. It's already done.
Hey, hey, hey! It's never too late for Christmas.
Now, I want you to take your kids down to the mall,
put them in Santa's lap,
and get some frickin' Christmas spirit, now!
You know, I'm the last one to point fingers here,
but it's pretty stupid of you
not to write down that joker's license plate.
I mean, what were you thinking?
Hey! Hey!
Uh...
That reminds me, I got to go order my ham.
Yeah.
[span tts:fontStyle="italic"](GOOD KING WENCESLAS[/span] PLAYING)
Daddy, how come we saw Santa outside the store
ringing the bell, and now he's here, too?
That's a good question, honey.
And even though I've explained it three times
since the parking lot,
I'm gonna tell you again.
All the Santas you see are Santa's helpers,
and they report to the real Santa,
because he signs their paycheck.
Is his pen a candy cane?
Honey, why don't you give Daddy a break
and just stand over there, huh?
JIM: Where you been?
Cruisin' the food court for hot moms.
And?
No bites, just some nibbles.
It's okay. I got nothing but time.
I wouldn't bet on it.
SANTA: Ho ho ho! Have a super-duper Christmas!
Super-duper Christmas?
That's him.
Who?
Santa!
No, it's Santa's helper.
No, no, that's the guy that hit our car
in the parking lot! He owes me money!
Well, you best handle your business, my man.
You watch the kids. I'm gonna talk to him.
Okay, next! Ho ho!
Whoa!
You're a little big to be sitting in Santa's lap.
Yeah, well, you're a little big
to be wearing those fruity shoes!
b*at it!
Ho ho ho!
Well, remember me, Santa?
Or do you need the sound of scraping metal
to jog your memory?
Ho ho ho!
Santa doesn't know what the hell you're talking about.
(CHUCKLING) I think you do.
You owe me five big ones to fix my minivan. Now come on!
Five... $ , ?
Five hundred. Since when did "big" mean , ?
Come on, cough it up.
Okay, okay.
Fake information! Give me my money!
I got my checkbook right here.
Give me the check! It better not bounce!
Oh!
Elves, att*ck!
att*ck!
[span tts:fontStyle="italic"](IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR[/span] PLAYING)
Uncle Andy, Daddy's fighting with Santa!
Anyway, I...
Wouldn't mind unwrapping you Christmas morning.
Wow.
My Christmas kitty plays rough.
Dana, would you give me some help here?
I don't know. You gonna knit me
one of your handmade Christmas scarves again this year?
Yes, I am.
I'll be inside.
Hey! How was Santa?
Daddy punched him and the cops came.
What?
Security guards.
Not any real authority, you know.
Now Santa's mad at us,
and we're not going to get any presents.
'Cause Santa's helpers are gonna tell him.
Now we're gonna get coal in our stockings.
What's coal?
Oh, honey, don't even worry about that.
Mommy and Daddy are gonna take care of everything.
Now why don't you go inside and see if Aunt Dana
will make you some cocoa, okay?
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yay!
Go ahead, yeah.
That's a girl, that's a boy.
You punched Santa in front of the kids?
Yes, I did. I certainly did.
You know who Santa turned out to be?
The guy who ran his car into our minivan.
What? Yeah, that crook, the criminal,
the guy who ripped us off. But...
Your macho man got five big ones.
Oh, honey.
Five medium ones, baby,
and I'm gonna go celebrate.
I'm gonna go celebrate and wait in line
for a little hot cocoa.
(CHUCKLES)
Have you heard nothing I've said?
Jim, this is a special time of year when
maybe we don't get into fistfights!
How about him? He should have the Christmas spirit!
He's Santa! I'm just a civilian.
Come on, Cheryl, give me a break.
Do you know that the kids think Christmas is ruined?
No, they don't. Maybe they think that... Yes.
...their father doesn't take crap from anyone, even Santa.
They don't care about that!
They care about Christmas.
Come on, don't you love seeing their little faces
light up with excitement when they think Santa's on his way?
Honey, their face lights up with excitement
when they pull a little toy out of their cereal box.
So does yours!
Jim...
You need to get in the car,
take those kids down to the mall,
and make nice in front of Santa.
Oh, Cheryl!
You know what?
That kind of thinking is why you married down.
Come on.
Come on.
I know Christmas Jim is in there somewhere!
All right.
I got to go down there anyway.
I left Andy in the food court.
A bit of a dust-up at the card shop.
Long story short,
if a big, angry husband comes over here,
you and I are a couple.
What happened to combing the newspaper for widows?
That seemed to work for a while.
Not really. They always cried during sex,
and that's kind of my thing.
Hey, kids!
You excited about seeing Santa?
Yeah, because Daddy and Santa
are gonna be friends again.
That's right, and you guys
are gonna get all your presents.
ALL: Yay!
ELF: Okay, next!
Okay, I'm gonna go talk to Santa. Watch them.
Hey.
Oh, no! It's you again!
No, no, I...
I'm gonna call security!
No, no, no, wait a minute. You don't have to do that.
I just want to talk to Santa, okay?
All I want to do is shake hands with him
and make everything cool for the kids.
Yeah, kids are great.
Mine need new shoes,
and they run about bucks.
All right, bucks.
You're short, mean, and cheap.
You must be catnip for the ladies.
Hey, Santa.
Oh, no, not you. Just go away.
Where's my elf? Elf, to the throne.
No, no, no, no, no! Wait a minute.
Please, please, I don't want any trouble.
I don't want any trouble at all.
Okay, I just want to shake hands
and wave to the kids,
and we'll be on our way.
Well, forget it. I'm not shaking your hand.
Santa's on a five.
Wait a minute, come on.
Dig down a little deeper, huh?
Try to find your better self. It's Christmas.
I'll find my better self at happy hour. Now get out of here.
Not until you shake my hand.
Hey, kids, look it. I fixed things with Santa.
Oh!
Ooh, ooh, my nose!
Oh...
[span tts:fontStyle="italic"](WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS[/span] PLAYING)
Andy, get rid of the kids!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, kids.
Oh, crap!
It's the big guy from the card shop!
Um...
Hey, you! Get off my man!
Oh.
False alarm. Wrong guy. As you were.
Hey, Jim, just think,
in a few months, you get to kick the Easter Bunny's ass.
I got no problem with the bunny.
He drops off the chocolate, leaves, nice and quiet.
Jim, it's not funny.
It's Christmas Eve, and you got into a fight with Santa.
You went to mall jail.
Look, I tried everything with the guy.
I tried talking with him,
I bribed his elf,
I even swapped spit with your brother.
Next time, no garlic pretzels for you.
Next time?
CHERYL: Hey, what are you guys doing up?
RUBY: Drinking coffee.
No, you can't have coffee!
Coffee's for grown-ups. Give me that.
You're gonna be up all night.
But we have to stay up and talk to Santa.
If we don't, he'll leave coal in our stockings.
I did not make my bed every day this month
for coal!
What's coal?
Guys, you don't have to worry about it.
Santa's gonna come, he's gonna give you gifts.
You'll have plenty of presents in the morning.
We can't risk it.
Give me that.
Yeah, Jim, you're right. They're gonna be fine.
But at least you got your money.
Merry Christmas. Aah!
Oh, God, it's you.
Hi. Yeah, just relax, okay?
All I want are your clothes.
What?
I mean your Santa suit. I mean, it's Christmas Eve.
I couldn't find one anywhere in town.
I don't care! I already gave you your dough,
so get out of my car!
Listen to me. It's for the kids.
Oh, for the kids. Yeah.
I hate kids.
Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll give you the Santa suit for bucks.
Are you crazy? I don't have bucks on me.
You still got my check.
(CHUCKLES)
There you go.
It's a pleasure doing business with you.
Hey, I hope you and the fat guy
and your three kids have a super-duper Christmas.
We will. Excuse me.
Oh! Oh!
Pardon me. Oh, sorry.
(GROANS)
I'll tell you what.
I'll put in a good word with Santa for you.
Yeah. And while you're talking to him,
you might want to ask him for a new distributor cap!
(LAUGHS GLEEFULLY)
(SINGING [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS[/span] TAUNTINGLY)
Ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho ho ho!
Ho ho!
Ho ho!
Ho ho!
Crap!
bucks for a Santa suit, and they're asleep!
Ah!
This thing is itchy.
I swear, if there's something crawling around in this thing...
Whoo hoo hoo!
A little leftover roast beef for Santa.
Isn't he lucky?
(HUMS)
Mmm.
Santa!
Oh! (SPITS)
Ho ho ho!
You caught Santa between bites there. Ha ha ha ha.
Don't you want milk and cookies?
Well, Santa's on Atkins right now.
Come on over here. Sit on Santa's lap.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
Now, Santa knows you,
and Ruby and, uh...
The little one?
Gracie. Gracie.
I know that you think you're not getting any presents this year.
Here's the deal.
That's not true.
You are getting presents.
Okay?
So...
Go upstairs now
and go to bed.
What?
What are you waiting for? I told you you're getting presents.
But could you give some of my presents to my daddy?
Your daddy? Why?
'Cause he got in a fight with your helper,
and I don't think he's getting any presents.
You mean you're willing to give up your toys
so your daddy has a good Christmas?
Yeah, but not the walkie-talkies.
I was pretty good.
Well, Santa's starting to get that better self thing.
You don't worry about your daddy.
He's the luckiest man in the world.
He's gonna get presents.
He won't get coal in his stocking this year.
What's coal?
Well, it's like a rock that burns.
Cool! I want coal!
(CHUCKLES)
Wow, who's this?
Mommy, this is Santa Claus.
Wow! It's very nice to meet you, Santa.
Nice to meet you.
You know, I named one of my reindeer after you.
Foxy!
Vixen?
Yeah, Vixen, Foxy, whatever.
Listen, sweetheart, Santa has a lot of work to do.
I really think you need to go to bed.
No, I want to hang out with Santa.
Did I just hear you say no to your mommy?
Where's my naughty list?
Okay, I'm going, I'm going!
(SIGHS)
Wow.
That kid is really good.
Yeah.
Where did that come from?
Me.
And his amazing father.
Mmm...
Well,
little girl... Hmm?
Would you like to sit on Santa's lap?
Oh, I would.
How would you like to be naughty and nice?
You know, Santa, my husband's gonna be pretty upset
when he sees you've eaten his roast beef.
He's gonna be more upset when he sees Santa in bed with his wife.
(WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS PLAYING)