01x03 - I'm a Hand Model

[bunniefuu]

Six months extra journey time.

Max.

Come here!

He really exaggerates
his numbers.

This is a designated
good-news area.

No downers, no frowners, missy.

NASA extended a hand,
and you shat in it!

Suck on that, NASA!

Oh.

Joe inspired us all.

May he rest.

He's orbiting us.

This ship is so large that it
has its own gravitational pull.

That's a good thing, right?

I mean, nobody wants
a little wussy ship.

The three injured passengers,

they're dead.

Zombies!

Those aren't zombies;

those are just the dismembered
corpses of our dead friends.

No more will we be treated
like cattle.

- Yes!
- Come on! Right?

- Eat the rich!
- No, not that.

Listen to my breathing.

You hear how relaxed
my voice is?

Relax.

Relax.

Your whole being is soft
and frail and boneless. Shh.

It's so quiet in here. Shh.

Your mind is loose and free...

Morning. Stand easy.

Okay, boys and girls.
Updates, please.

Let's keep our eyes
on the prize.

Mads, trajectory calculations.

We're flying safe, Cap.

Fly true.

Good. Nadia.

Orbital dynamics
and subsystems...

What are you having for lunch,
do you think?

I haven't decided.

I was thinking of chili, but...

Mads, all systems MEKO?

Yes, sir. Of course.

Good. Sarah...

Auxiliary sensors engaged.
Rear antenna primed.

Hello, Mia. How are you?

Oh, hey, Rav. How am I?

I'm in a mixed prison cell.

My back is... You know,
sleeping on the floor

is not as comfy
as dogs make it look.

Maybe we could... take turns?

I sleep on the floor? No way.

I haven't heard anything
you said yet

because of the delay,
but I'm guessing it's something

along the lines
of what I can go do to myself.

Housekeeping.

What? Wait. I'm sorry
can you come back...

- No.
- Welcome. This is my wife.

She likes to sleep
with masseurs.

He's a reflexologist, Doug.

- It's a medical science.
- Of course.

They give Nobel Prizes for that,
don't they?

I'm sorry, wait, what's that?

Don't tell me,
I know this one. Is... Is it...

- Is it a towel?
- Oh, that's very funny.

No, it's usually folded into
like a...

a swan or a saggy rabbit.

It looks like a human anus.

Yeah, that's a sphincter.

I've got a bit
of a catastrophe to deal with

as you know
because you're in it,

so I'm... I'm gonna go.

No! Rav! We're not done with...
Don't!

Hey, guys. I've been informed
by your rat-fink neighbors

that you're still having loud
and sexually graphic arguments.

f*ck those guys.

Is there anything I can do
to help?

Well, your housekeeper just put
an assh*le on our bed.

My bed.

No, I think that's a r...
No, that's an assh*le.

The puckering's beautiful.

- Okay. I can help you later.
- Great.

Um... He ordered the omelet
with a sausage on the side.

Well, this is
a different dead animal

with different shaped eggs.

Well, different is not
as ordered, is it?

Maybe eat it
with your eyes closed.

Mystery bites.

Before we know it, we're gonna
be eating swill from a trough.

It's delicious.

And wrong.

Captain. Come here.

I can see that you see me.

Matt.

Can I wear you
as an insult-proof vest?

- Of course.
- Mrs. Kelly.

How can we help?

Frank, tell this pair
of empty smiles

about your double chicken.

So, I got served chicken
and eggs.

Which came first?

They came together, actually.
Yummy!

That made you happy.
Frank, you are enchanting.

You know what's not enchanting?
Your huckleberry tone.

Yes, and I am seething
with anger.

Okay, you ready for this?
Max, talk at them.

I found gum on my pillow.

So, in some cultures,

that's actually considered
good luck.

- Yeah.
- Tim, hit him.

Physically if you want to.

The lady at the nursery,
she called my son a pig.

Well, to the Chinese,
which is most people,

the pig represents wealth
and hard work.

They're not the fat,
filthy scavengers

- that everyone thinks they are.
- Are you kidding?

Okay. Thanks, Matt.

- Thanks. You can stand down.
- Unbe-g*dd*mn-lievable.

Go and play with Judd,

because you've been a wild kind
of useless.

Max, I am disgusted

at the vision of you
being stuck to a pillow.

If you let me have the gum,

I will run it
through the dental records

for our housekeeping staff
and action will be taken.

He will get fresh linen
and a spa pass.

Also that.

Karen, could I just have
a quick word?

Hey, what about my pig son?

- You know, I can...
- Hi.

I can't help noticing that
you have a very special way

- of handling passengers.
- Thank you.

Maybe you and I could talk about

how we could harness
those people wrangling skills.

Well, that is intriguing.
I am intrigued.

Well, you know where to find me.

Oh, I will find you.

You were incredible!
That was incredible!

You were like Joan of Arc!

Honey, Joan of Arc d*ed
on a stake in a fire.

- Well, baby, you were on fire.
- Oh, come on.

You may eat that.

Come in.

My door's always broken.

So, if trajectory p*rn
is your thing,

prepare to get your rocks off.

Ta-da. That is
your new course projection.

Isn't she luscious?

Turns out Cyrus isn't just
not a pretty face.

Wow. So it's confirmed.

Bravo, youngling.

Only thing I need now is for
someone to fix my cocking door!

Doors are Matt's remit.
Blame Matt.

Let's all blame Matt.

We can heap blame onto Matt
like he's an empty plate

at an all-you-can-blame buffet.

Don't worry,
in six short months,

you're never gonna have
to see Matt

or any of the 4,500
other cellmates ever again.

- Five thousand. Yeah.
- Is that what it is?

Feels like five million.
Karen feels like most of those.

I'm gonna go and fondle these
lucky numbers one last time,

and then we're all set.

Godspeed,
my sweaty little friend.

Just d... don't let it feel
your fear.

Oh, one more fun thing.
Remember Johann? Portuguese?

- Tall, dead, out there?
- Yes.

Well, his arm froze
and the top part shattered,

and now, his hand and his elbow
are orbiting his coffin.

Wow, come on,
even you've got to admit

that space is
pretty f*cking cool sometimes.

Is it? 'Cause apparently,
it's frightening the children.

Also, the women. Also, the men.

The ship is already
18 percent self-sufficient.

We turn our waste fluids
into drinking water

and our garden grows
basic fungi.

It's incredibly bland,
but it's very filling.

It's like eating
a lightly seasoned mattress.

I see the tape worm moved out
of my ass and bought a suit.

Matt is here because I need
more brains around the table.

Last time I left you
to solve a problem,

I looked outside my window
and saw three dead customers

- waving back at me.
- They weren't waving.

Are those protein balls?
Can I have one?

No, absolutely not.
I need them for my show.

- Show?
- Yes!

I would like to go over
the rescue mission,

how we're gonna get every one
of the 5,000 souls off the ship.

So, imagine that
this protein ball is Earth,

and this protein ball
is a rescue shuttle.

So then, Earth
and the rescue shuttle

are the same size.

- What? No? Ah, Jesus.
- N...

Did you just launch
one of the ships

or did you destroy Earth?

Hey, brains trust. Use your mind

to make one thing seem like
it's another thing.

See? She can do it.
Hey, welcome back, Iris.

We are gonna circle round
like this. Hold Earth.

And then, we're gonna
come around closer,

and then, eventually,
brush against Earth. Correct?

Well, we'll be half a million
kilometers away.

Yes, so close and yet,
absolutely nowhere near.

Close enough
for a space shuttle.

But... science!

We're only gonna be this close
to Earth

for like a day or something.

Forty-eight hours
in reachable range.

It's a very tight window.

Goddamnit Iris!
Stop being so negative!

Technically,
that was just the truth!

But yes, you did
sort of say it in a minor key.

Now, each rescue shuttle
can only hold ten people,

so... we're gonna need
more than one shuttle.

- Because there are actually...
- Actually...

...more than ten passengers

- on board this ship.
- Onboard...

T-minus, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.

T-minus? What is that,
your rap name?

Is this what depression
looks like, Iris?

'Cause if so, get that stuff
away from me.

But also, uh,
get me 500 rescue shuttles.

I don't know about y'all,
but I am feeling jazzed.

Teamwork is fun.

If he wants 500 ships,

he needs to change his attitude.

I have a thick skin, Rav.

I mean,
I fought in the Huawei Wars,

but that man, I'm telling you,
he is one seriously...

- Is that here? Is that outside?
- That's the vigil.

It's Earth-based families
of the passengers.

That's us, is it?
That's our tiny vigil? I...

Yeah.
Also, there's been a surge in...

don't worry about it.
It's not your area.

If it's on Avenue 5,
it is my area.

Susan, I happen to know
that Mr. Judd

respects you vehemently.

Alan, what's my area?

There's been a surge
in complaints about towels.

Some are just dirty,
others are being fashioned

into obscene parts
of the human anatomy.

- That's not my area.
- Yeah, I thought not.

Towels? On behalf of NASA,

let me say, "Seriously?"

Okay, I should go.
Bye-bye for now, Susan.

Susan's f*cking funny,
isn't she?

Isn't Susan f*cking funny?

So, what we're gonna do
is you're gonna let out

all this toxicity
between you two.

Then, we're gonna trap it
in here, and then let it go.

Like a beautiful
poison butterfly.

Okay. Who goes first?

- I'll go.
- Oh, sure. Okay.

Oh, lord! Am I married to this?

Stan, baby, you look amazing.
I love those glasses.

You look very clever.

When I put mine on,
I just look like a welder.

Oh, hi, Ryan.

Hey, Rav. I am feeling
really undervalued

by your decision
to imprison me in space.

Rav had no clue
this was gonna happen.

Uh, it's her job,
so she should have had a clue.

Jeez, give her some time.

So, I look him in the eye,
best I can.

You know, given the...
and I say,

"You'll never get me
inside that helmet."

Ah.

Just wait for that one to go.

I have exciting news.

You know I told you that
it was gonna be...

it was gonna be three years.
It's not. It's six months.

Are you drinking again?

No, this is tomato juice.

It's mostly tomato juice.
It's dynamite for the prostate.

Anyway, you should be hearing...

It's six months.

- Wait, six months?
- There we go.

I only have a couple more years
before everything falls apart...

- Good.
- ...and I'm stuck here with you.

Your biological
clock is ticking. Yes!

She's a little self-absorbed
for kids. Good!

- Oh, oh, oh, and yet, I am stuck with a 36-year-old one.
- Good.

One who could get himself
adopted anytime.

Six months is still too long.
Eight weeks was too long.

Oh, for f*ck's sake, Stan.
It's basic physics.

You've worn the same pair
of jeans for longer than that.

Shoehorns.
Pretty funny, aren't they?

She doesn't think they are.
Um...

- Oh! There he is.
- There she is!

Oh, Stan, our husband's
in space.

- You two look so amazing.
- You're drinking.

Yeah, he just said
that he's got a bad prostate,

and he's self-medicating
with vodka.

- He also said that it's gonna be six months.
- Not quite what I said, Stan,

- is it?
- Six months?

Your marriage is like
the f*cking Hindenburg, Rav!

Just a flaming dirigible

with dead Nazis falling out
of the bottom.

Oh, for f*ck's sake,

- Stan. It's basic physics.
- Oh!

I do understand the physics,
Ryan.

Maybe I'd change my jeans

if you were here
to do the washing.

Have you finished?

This has to be
the last trip, Ryan.

Let's not do
the eight-week thing again.

You don't mind the money,
let's be honest.

They're miserable.
Everyone hates them.

They wish
they'd never been born.

I can't do this anymore!

What are you gonna do now, Rav?

How are you gonna fix this now?

Now send.

What?

And that's it, sent.
All good.

What are you...
What, you sent that to Rav?

Ah, I gotta go.

They found a rat
in the clementines.

Hey, Martina, the rat's back.

We need more money
than there is money...

- How many times...
- Twenty-seven.

How many times have you said
that and I got the money?

Twenty-seven.
But this is the first time

five thousand human lives
have been on the line.

I think. Wait.
No, yeah, it is.

We need people to care.
We need a vigil.

Th... There is a vigil.

Oh. Ah, that is sad.
For the wrong reason.

Remember that vigil
for the children who d*ed

in the French famine.
Uh... La Famine?

Très tragic.

We need to sh*t on that vigil.
How do we do that?

I don't know. How do we do that?

No, I'm asking you, Iris.
How do we do that?

Actors.

To play real people.

Oh, but that would be very...

- dishonest.
- Mm.

- Unless it worked.
- I'll hire the actors now.

They gotta be sad looking
and non-union.

One thing usually means
the other.

There she is.

Oh, boy.

I was expecting you
about half a bottle ago.

This isn't a cabin,
it's a basketball court.

Mind if I, uh...

- No, you can help yourself.
- Wow.

Oh, this is how
the other half lives.

And dies. This room
belonged to dead Mary.

- Oh.
- She's gonna be coming around

in about 25 minutes.

Yeah, this is our, uh,
Executive Stargazer Suite.

Beautiful.

Curious. This... This is just
a little p*rn.

Well, we could get rid of that,

you know,
if you were to move in.

This is an accommodation fitting

for the Passenger
Liaison Officer.

Okay. I mean, that sounds
a little like salty talk.

No, I just mean
you speak passenger.

I mean,
you solve their problems,

whereas Matt just...

turns them into balloon animals.

I think we should formalize
that role.

Oh. Okay.

You would be
Passenger Liaison Officer.

- It's interesting.
- Fantastic.

You want me to come over there?

Yeah. This is a, uh,
2024 Pinot Meunier.

- Excellent year.
- Hottest year on record.

The fish in our pond
boiled to death.

Let's drink to the fish.
Let's drink like fish.

Let's just drink.

Okay, look,
I should make it clear

that coitus is not on the menu.

That's a very odd menu,
but sure, absolutely.

Great.

Tickle my ring piece,

that is absolutely exquisite.

- What is that?
- What's what?

Does drinking champagne
turn you British?

What you mean? You...
But you know.

I mean, you knew, didn't you?

What? You are British?

You're from actual Britland?

Oh! No.

I get so confused.
I'm sorry.

I just get... I'm sorry.
I really am sorry.

Whoa. That's three sorries.
You really are British.

I'm pretending to be American
to one lot of people.

I'm pretending to be a captain
to another lot of people.

- I'm pretending to care...
- What? Sorry, what?

sh*t, I've done it again,
haven't I?

Done what... what have you done?
I don't really...

- Nothing.
- Okay.

You said pretending
to be captain?

Yeah.

Okay, where is the real captain?

He's... out there.

- About ten minutes behind Mary.
- No, no, no. No. No.

- I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh-uh. No.

That's not happening.

- Not funny. Not funny.
- Karen. This is... Listen.

You know what?
You need to shut up!

Okay. Shutting up.

Oh, no. This is so... You...

We're...
And you're a lying D-head!

I was hired to be like
a ceremonial captain. Okay?

What? What does that mean?
So you're an actor. Yeah?

Oh, okay. Right,
in the last ten seconds,

you just changed continents
and careers.

No, actually, my first career
was in the wine trade.

So, we're just up here
in this giant tin can

with a boozehound driving!

To be fair, most actors
are boozehounds.

Oh, big fat Buddha.

I am hyper-effing-ventilating
here.

What are you doing now?

I need to invert
because I do not wanna pass out

before I finish yelling at you,
you mother-effing C-sucker!

When other people find out
about this...

No, they're not going...
Oh, "cock." Got it.

They're not going to find out.
That's the whole point.

- That's...
- Okay, yeah.

Because your head is gonna be
on a spike in the Atrium.

Oh, wind your neck in, will you?

Look, who do you think
people want to see in charge?

They wanna see a captain
or a vintner?

I think a captain, don't you?

The point is, we are trapped
here on a branded dildo

hurtling through space,
full of panicky animals

who are gonna start painting
the wall with their turds

and eating each other's feet
unless I show leadership,

and I need you
to help me do that.

Give me one of those.

Okay. I also get this cabin,
right?

The cab... Oh, absolutely.

I was actually... I was gonna
give you a...

an envelope
with a mini bar key in it.

I was... which is by the way,
not so mini.

I can't do this anymore.

Are you enjoying this, Rav?

Two words. Worm holes.

If they exist,
they can be created.

I miss drizzle.
I miss dogs barking.

I miss toilet paper
without a J on it.

Yeah, I can get myself adopted
anytime!

I can't do this anymore!

I can't do this anymo...

Okay, Captain.

Chief Passenger Liaison Officer
on duty.

So. Screwing the stowaway now,
huh?

No, I am not. Not... What?

What is that? I...

No, Karen is helping
with passenger services.

Right. "Karen."

I bet you're feeling
pretty pleased with yourself.

- No. I'm not.
- Well, you shouldn't.

'Cause I've never seen
that woman happy.

Well, that has nothing to do
with me.

Yeah, I believe you,
Mr. Bad in Bed.

Well, I really enjoyed
this little talk,

but I'm off to the bridge now.

Ooh, when the bridge
comes a-rockin',

don't come a-knockin'.

See you and the little fuckatee
later.

Hey, Cyrus.

My knight in shining shorts.
What do you got?

You're gonna love this.
Uh, slight snag.

I didn't factor in
the ship's extra weight.

Those 500 extra lottery winners.

You're gonna number-f*ck us,
aren't you?

You didn't factor...

meaning you didn't count.
Just to be clear.

Right. Yeah. So, my numbers
are actually adding six months.

Six months more
than the six months

that you estimate.

Six months in addition
to the three years.

Um, you're saying the voyage
is now gonna take

three and a half years,
just so we're appallingly clear.

- Yep.
- "Yep"?

You can't say "yep."
This isn't a time for "yep."

Uh, "yes." Affirmative.

Cyrus, you're like Santa Claus
with a sack full of sh*t.

Do you have any options
that you can suggest?

Well, there's the one.

You know what I'm talking about.

I know you know
what I'm talking about.

No. I don't... I'm not fluent
in facial expressions.

- You should try words.
- Okay, okay.

It could be shorter...

if we lose
those extra 500 people.

Lose?

They're not a set of keys,
you f*cking psychopath.

Oh, Captain,
we have a laundry issue.

Oh, do we?

For a man with such epaulettes,

you look remarkably rattled.

Well, now, Karen.
Today may be the day

you justify your title.
We have a new journey time.

Okay. Oh, no.
I don't like the way

your mouth is shaping up.
Is it a big number?

- Three and a half.
- Mm-mm.

No. F me. F me with a... CB.
No!

- Years?
- No, hours.

Are we gonna do this every time?

- Yes! Three and a half years!
- Okay.

When are you gonna tell them?

I'm not. That's the point,
Karen. You're gonna tell them.

You're gonna do the telling
and the selling.

And what the f*ck is a CB?

Oh, um, uh, cheese baguette.

Okay. Well, this is classic
passenger liaison, Karen.

You've gotta go out there,
and you've gotta liaise them

up the A
with a very cheesy baguette.

Okay.

I've got some actors' faces

for you for the vigil.

- Oh, she's got a great look.
- Yeah.

She screams "donate some money."

I'd give them tens of thousands
of dollars. I mean, I wouldn't.

I don't believe in charity.
But someone could.

He looks like a cat.

Oh.

Oh, she keeps her mom
in the basement.

Twins. That's a great idea,
actually.

Let's book 'em
for two 12-hour shifts.

- The, uh, media are here.
- Right, good.

I love press conferences.
Let's do this!

Yes!

- Are you okay to do this?
- Yeah, no problem.

Uh, one thing, the delay
has been recalculated

- to three years and six months.
- No!

One question at a time. Yes.

What's the new debris?

The most tragic form of debris,
the remains of people,

um, orbiting the ship
and our hearts.

Okay, bridge crew. Listen up.

I need a new course
back to Earth. Anybody.

None of these people
are gonna be able to help you.

- What do you mean?
- Cyrus...

Billie? You didn't tell him
about the crew?

Tell me what?

Not yet, okay?

Um... back to work.

Do you notice anything

about this oddly
good looking group of people?

- They're attractive.
- They're very attractive.

Almost like they're actors.
They're actors.

Billie.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Billie, this is
the greatest crew in the galaxy.

- Well...
- You're saying the crew's not real?

- That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Uh, Nadia.

- Systems update.
- All systems are nominal, sir.

That's a scripted response.

Nadia,
how's the flitter emitter doing?

The flitter emitter?

It's, uh, completely nominal.
Hundred percent nominal, sir.

- One hundred percent nominal.
- Yes, it is.

No, it's not. It's not
a real th... I made that up.

You... You're an imposter?

- Actor.
- They all are.

- They're all actors.
- No, no, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No, no. No way. Mads.

What is the quickest course
back to Earth?

Uh. We head
downwards, uh, through, um...

Event Horizon.

Oh, you are sh1tting me.

You're sh1tting me. Mads!

- Rav!
- Okay, uh, yes. One of... Yes.

You, little lady.

How much
will the whole operation cost?

- Uh, yes, sir? You at the back?
- Rav! Rav!

A little while ago,
we were all told

that our journey time
was going to be six months.

There's been an update.
I was just told five years.

What the... What?

Does anybody here know
what the f*ck they're doing?

Yeah, I, uh, control the lights
with this button here.

Watch. Normal. Dramatic.

Normal. Dramatic.

- You get the idea.
- What?

No, this... this is
a state-of-the-art bridge,

not some crappy piano
that plays itself.

Looks at this. Look.

No, okay, now,
take your hands off.

Take your hands away.
And it...

Oh, for... f*ck's sake.

- So, all you can do is...
- Yeah, there is a skill to it.

So, if I just... do my thing.

Yeah, leave it like that.
It just suits my rage.

The engineers said
that it would be five years.

And I refused to accept it.

She simply refused.
It was a very exciting moment.

And eventually, they caved.

Rav, what's the impact
on the voyage?

Three years...
plus some more months. Six.

Six months.

As soon as we know
anything more,

- you will be the first...
- Second.

Second to know.

What is the collective noun
for idiots? A thick?

Non mais merde!

I did three years' training
as an actor.

Yeah, and I'm a hand model,
so I am... qualified actually.

And if we are all airing
our grievances here,

I've been in character
for four weeks now.

It is taking its toll
creatively.

What about you?
In line for a Tony?

Me? No, I'm a model.
I'm just good looking.

But I thought
you were flying the ship.

Well, we thought
you were flying the ship.

You've got the steering wheel.

This... I... That's not...

You feel anything?

No! Because this
is a Magritte, Nadia.

Ce n'est pas un steering wheel!

I don't even know how it goes
up and down.

Oh, I do that as well, actually.
Just this button.

Ah, you see?
How could you not know?

How could you not know?

I feel you're attacking me!

I am attacking you.
That's why you feel that.

I'm attacking you.

They said, "Karen, for you,
we're gonna make it four years."

Incredibly irritating.

I said, "Four years?
If you can't come back to me

with three and a half years,
we're done here."

So, you know what they came back
to me with?

Three and a half years, people.
Boom!

Eighteen months less. Hardball!

You get 'em, chief!

Yeah, hi, I'm sorry.
I don't understand.

Why would they tell you
five years if, uh...

if they could do it three
and a half? It makes no sense.

You don't understand.

- I don't understand.
- Right.

She's the only one who does.

Yeah.

A king's ransom for anyone

who knows
what the f*ck they're doing.

Okay, okay. Cyrus, come on.

What?

What is this?
A betting syndicate?

Hey, man.
Uh... Captain.

Meet your real engineers.

This ship is mainly automated,

but we do need
a few crew members

just to keep up
with maintenance,

keep us afloat.
So, this is like front of house,

- and that's... backstage.
- When she says afloat,

that's sort of
a skeuomorphic construct...

Hey, you. Shut all of that.
Right now.

Is nothing real, Billie?

Yes, I'm real. I'm very real
in every sense of the word,

it's just that Judd wanted
hot crew,

and there's just no intersection
in that Venn diagram.

Yeah, just you and me, Billie.

Another miscalculation.

Does Judd know about this?

Does he strike you
as a details kind of guy?

Okay, he can never know.

He cannot know.
Everybody get that?

Judd must operate
on a never-need-to-know basis.

Okay?

Passengers on the bridge.

Welcome to the bridge.

It's gonna be fine.
It's all gonna be fine.

Our course home has been set.

There's a lot of people
counting on us

to get them there.

Sarah, lights.

Are they still f*cking there?

Yep.