02x05 - Let's Play with Matches

[bunniefuu]

What
the actual f*ck?

You need to stop them!

How? With magic beans?

I... I don't know. Uh, tear gas.
Rubber b*ll*ts. b*llet b*ll*ts!

Do we have any of that?

It's a cruise ship.

We have a scented
candle shop and a spa.

We used to.

Let it burn, baby. Let it burn.

Everybody
to the bridge!

Where's Ryan?

Let's smash down the doors!

Let's use her as
a battering ram!

No! Hey! Hey!

I just ate.

I'm gonna throw
up if you don't...

What are you
doing? Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no. No need!

I'm right here.

Oh, come on. P...
put Karen down.

She looks even
sadder horizontal.

I'm sorry, again.

But I know that sorry
is... is too small a word.

- Here's a small word. f*ck you!
- Yeah!

- Well that's actually two words.
- Oh, let's pull his teeth out!

- No, no, no, no!
- Wait! Everyone, please stop!

Okay, who's this talking to me?

Can you patch me ship-wide?

It's not allowed, but sure.

It's your hearts that p...

Oh, what the...

I hate to be presumptuous...

Who's this prick?

But can I suggest a
more peaceful solution?

- I like him.
- Let's not punish a guy

who should never have
been put in charge.

I mean, he's just one
step up from animatronic.

It's true.

- Actually, I hate him.
- Hmm.

I say maybe we take charge.

- Yeah!
- Okay!

- Come on!
- Yeah!

I can't hear you!

I smell a shake-up, Iris.

This might actually
be a good thing.

Yeah! Let's do it!

You do realize this
is an uprising?

You are not seeing
the bigger picture.

I am and it's called "Still
life of you being strung up."

"Passengers" contains
the word "ass"

'cause that's how they see us.

Well, not anymore.

I see people with two eyes.

You know what else has two I's?

"Citizens."

He means the spelling!

All right, opaque wordplay!
Never a bad time for it.

You know what else has two I's?

Whiskey on the rocks.

- Yeah!
- We need ideas from everyone.

Yeah!

As citizens, I say we
form a citizens' assembly

and run this ship!

Yeah!

Who's with me?

Together there are more of us.

Yeah!

The twilight of the
moron-tyrant is upon us!

- Sorry, Ryan. It's over.
- Oh, thank f*ck for that.

I mean, obviously
it'll be a loss,

but snap my neck and bury me in
a shallow bog, what a relief.

Security, take Ryan below decks.

- Mm, smart move, Iris.
- Him too.

f*ck you, Iris.

This is treason,
that's what this is.

This is for your own good.
So they don't chop off

your hands and turn
them into soap dishes.

There's a word for
people like you.

- Treasoners.
- That's...

Oh my God, will
they be tortured?

No. They'll just be held
in the same room. So, yes.

Isaac Davis,
ladies and gentlemen!

Because not all
heroes wear hats!

Together there are more of us!

Yeah!

Then what's your
least favorite color?

I don't know. Whatever
color you are, I suppose.

No, stop that. We're not
gonna do this.

You understand those
f*ckers want us

to have a horrible time.

Well, I say we prove them wrong
and get along out of spite.

I say we sit here in
silence and wait for death.

Pray for death.

Some combination of
sitting and death, I say.

This is you.

I want to show you what
you look like to me.

"I'm Captain
Ryington Misery-ford.

I'm... I'm a British
space-gentleman..."

"and manic-depressive

without the manic.

All I wanna do is sit naked

and suck up marmalade."

There's that smile.

There's that little
pretty laugh.

See, we can do this.

Oh, God. I have
to hand it to you.

You are the most positive
idiot I have ever met.

That's sweet. A lot
of people tell me that.

You know what? I think
you're ready to connect.

How about we
cover everything in glitter?

Skipping
ropes in every room!

Ginger is not an ethnicity.

I got three suggestions.
Gold, food tokens, or teeth.

The Engineering Committee
has unanimously voted

against allowing you to join.

But I'm the ship's
chief engineer.

And you're an aromatherapist.

Okay. Next up is food shortages.

Oh, the cannibal.

Okay, go ahead, say it.
We all eat each other.

No. We could use the
arboretum to grow vegetables.

That's a... That's actually
a really good idea.

It's perfect for when you
have a friend for dinner.

This f*cking guy.

When I was five,

I stole my father's
ride-on lawnmower

and drove it into our
compound's electrified fence.

That was the first time
I ever saw him cry.

He loved that fence.

Okay, your turn.

When I was 27,

I had this small vineyard
just outside Dundee

with my best friend Phillip.

And in the evening,
summer's evening,

I would sit there
with a glass of wine

and just look at the vines

and think, "My God, these
vines, they just grow.

I don't have to do
anything. That's the dream."

Amazing. You
really are such a lazy f*ck.

And then the vineyard went bust

and Phillip sh*t himself
in the head. But he missed,

so he spent the next 20
years as a vegetable.

On Sundays, I
would take his kids

to see him and they'd say,
"When will Daddy wake up?"

Really?

No. I just made it up.

Why would you do that?

Seemed like fun?

Dude, there's something
wrong with your brain.

You belong in the Museum

of Depressed British
f*cking Assholes.

That is my favorite museum.

Why is that your
favorite museum?

Because it's quiet.

Uh, welcome to the first meeting
of the Education Committee.

We think that the kids
should be grouped by ability.

What if your kid isn't academic?

Why would my kid
not be academic?

Well...

Excuse me?

- What, you think I'm dumb?
- No.

I think mixed ability
sets for all subjects.

Well, why should my kid suffer
because your kid can't find

- his ass in a sleeping bag?
- Thank you.

Hey, don't talk about
my kid like that.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want
to go to school right now?

- 'Cause I'll take you to school.
- Doug, no.

You ready for lunch, buddy? 'Cause I got
a sandwich for you! I got two of them!

Order!

Here's the f*cking playground.
And here's the f*cking...

Okay. The safety
committee are drunk.

The logistics committee
have locked themselves out.

And the crimes committee
want to outlaw pool shoes.

Oh my God! Shut up!

And that's the
welfare committee.

People, can't you see
yelling diminishes us all!

Can I swap my gavel
for a sledgehammer?

My group is out of control.

No, there's just
too much democracy.

It's like fifth-century Athens.

We need
a strong leader.

- Yeah, true.
- We need a tough decision-maker.

- Yes.
- We need a dictator.

What?

But a benign dictator.

Yeah, let's play with matches.

Did the ship just
lurch to the right?

You'd think I'd hate bronze,

but it's actually
a kick-ass color.

I mean, it's essentially gold
with balls and a machete.

Oh, people are coming!

Quick, laugh, so they think
we're having a good time.

And I said, "I'm hilarious."

Which is hilarious!

Oh, we didn't know
you guys were coming.

Mi amor! I've come
to rescue you!

- Oh, great.
- No, not you.

Well, I don't need
to be rescued.

Wherever I am is the
best place to be.

Oh my God, Elena, you are
a sight for sore ears.

And Charles, what...
What are you, the muscle?

No,

I'm... I'm the horse
you... You ride off on.

Giddyap.

Oh Christ, what is this?

It's chaos up there, so
you have to do something.

Oh, so you're rescuing
me by taking me

out of the panic room
and into the panic.

A lot of people still
see you as the captain,

especially when
you wear the hat.

I'm not wearing the hat.
It's a stripper hat.

All the more reason to wear it.

Come on, just do
something. Be brave.

Be a bit more like TV Ryan.

Wait a minute, you...

You don't like me just because
I'm the captain, do you?

- No. No!
- Course she does.

It's for the passengers.

People, the system
isn't working.

There's too many I's...

in the citizens' assembly.

Oh, he means the spelling but
also the number of people.

I agree.

Hi.

That exceptionally smart
passenger is correct.

This ship needs a
strong singular voice.

Yeah, that comes out of a
mouth, not from an assh*le.

Right. Yes.

That is why we need an election.

Yes, to elect our dictator.

A benign dictator. Right, Isaac?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

The nominations are open!

- No!
- Yes.

- Engage thrusters!

- Which thrusters, Captain?
- All the thrusters!

Any thrusters you can find!

Oh, this again?

God's sake.

Together there are more of us.

But as I cannot
nominate all of you,

I am nominating myself.

I will be that "I"
in your benign.

- This guy's a f*cking wordsmith.
- Right?

Okay, any, uh, any challengers?

I don't want to, but Isaac
is the false prophet.

And I will be your Jesus.

But without the
abdominal strength.

Well, okay. Well, obviously we
can't have a free jazz sociopath

as the only other...

Okay, is there anybody else?

I'd prefer a w*rlord
to either of these two.

- I am honored...
- Hey!

To announce the candidacy
of Mr. Frank Kelly.

Kentucky Fried Bollocks.

It's Mr. Fondue In A Pedal Bin.

Who's next? The ship's cat?

Isaac is weak. I am strong.

I will lead, you will follow.

Iris!

I can protect you from
a position of power.

Oh, good. Okay. Got it. Got it.

This woman supports child labor!

I'm just pretending I don't
want you to be in charge.

Um, Iris is an
inflexible power monger.

I have a friendly,
human interface.

Um, and I like tennis. Vote Rav!

I'm... I'm Rav.

Okay, anybody else?

Yes, s... um, so, I... I'd
like to put myself forwards.

Literally anybody else?

Yes. Me.

I will stand.

Billie, I like you. But you
are not universally loved.

Yeah, but it's not like
it's a popularity contest.

That is exactly what it is.

So, I guess I'm the winner.

Should I just declare
me the winner?

Iris cannot be in charge of me.

I'm six-foot-two,
good-looking, great complexion,

and I've heard I'm about
to become a proud father.

Thus, I will stand.

Well, I am almost alarmed

by the quality of
the candidates.

All right, well, if that's it,

then, uh, I declare
the polling is open.

And may God have
mercy upon our souls.

When God judges us for what
we've done here tonight,

and he will,

what will you say to him?

Hmm?

Will you bow down and
grovel like a child?

Or will you stand up
and fight like a dog?

Sometimes dogs grovel.

And sometimes children fight.

You know...

Ugh, I
was enjoying that.

If you elect me,

I will tell you the truth
about everything, okay.

World w*r II never happened.

Mass media conspiracy.

I have pamphlets.

So why vote for me?

Well, I'm newish here, so,
you know, fresh pair of eyes.

Yum, actually.

Hi, everybody. I'm Karen
Kelly, not standing.

But my husband is "Frank Kelly,
nobody's puppet."

What's your headline policy?

- Oh, tell them about the...
- Hey.

I'm just gonna take
the good we have

and make it gooder.

Engooden everyone!

You have sad eyes.

I'm intensely competent.

So vote for me unless
you're incompetent.

Swans breaking a human's arm?

It's lies. They break
your will, not your arm.

I've seen the videos, okay.

How's it going?

It's frankly a
tsunami of the subpar.

We've scraped the bottom
of the barrel so hard

we've clawed our way through it
into the first circle of hell.

Wait, TV Ryan
is a candidate now?

Surely that's a protest vote.

Well, if we can vote for
fictional characters,

I mean, that just
throws it wide open.

I'm torn between Dumbledore
and Anna Karenina.

There's not one good option.

Basically I run the ship...

Well, there is one person
who is smart, sane,

unlikely to die in office.

Yeah. Packing a lot of sinews.

Platelets too.

You... Oh, Billie.

Why don't you go and
build Billie better?

And so that's why
the four pillars

of my campaign are
en-gin-eer-ing.

- Engineering.
- I'll take the gin.

Hmm? You'll what?
Take the what?

Yeah, I... can I
have this? Hey.

I... I'm actually talking to
my base right now. So I...

f*ck those virgins.
We need to broaden your appeal

to include literally
anyone else.

- What?
- So you drink coconut water now.

Vote
for me and I promise you

I will use proportionate
force when necessary.

And by no means am I ruling out
disproportionate or unnecessary.

She should use proportionate
force on herself,

am I right?
This is fun.

She should k*ll herself!

I'm just running with
it. I'm running with it.

Hello. Hello.

Uh, I'm Rav.

Wow, this is exciting, isn't it?

Not really.

Well... well, not
exciting, but obligatory.

Ooh, that can
be my campaign slogan.

"Not exciting, but obligatory."

Only half of us

will survive Ryan's litany
of terrible choices.

This will be a series
of rolling tragedies

in which each false glimmer
of hope is succeeded

by a much more real
and crushing despair.

I am Matt Spencer.

I'm running on a ticket
of radical honesty.

I think I preferred
being violently deposed.

It was less stressful.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, uh, I want to talk to
you guys about engineering.

I'll be honest,

I am not interested
in engineering.

Keep it... keep it nice.

Oh, what I wanted to say
was, do you have a child?

Or more than one child?

A daughter, yes. She's nine.

And how much does it weigh?

"I love what
you're wearing."

And I love what you have
put your bodies in today.

Thank you.

- You've got my vote. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Great, thank you.
- Thank you.

Oh my God, is that it?

You just say what
they want to hear

and try and hide your
contempt, that's it?

Yeah, that's politics.
And also dating.

Together there are more of us.

Well, together we
want less of you.

Yeah, you...
You started this here.

You... you opened
some bitch's box!

Pandora's box. She has a name.

It's a shame about Isaac.

But I gotta tell you,
I'm kind of into Nathan.

Nathan, the man
who ate other men?

That... Hey, we all got baggage.

You ate ostrich that time.

He eats people.

Okay, but if you didn't
know that about him,

he'd be quite impressive.

But I do know that about him.

And I find it to be his
defining characteristic.

We need change.

I love you, Nathan! Eat me!

Eat me too!

Oh, no, no, I'm
watching my figure.

And yours. I mean, it's lovely.

But seriously, there
is an important issue

I would like to
raise. Mental health.

Yeah.

Who's left?

Well, Rav's still hanging
about like an inert gas.

Anybody else like tennis?

No?

TV Me is forging ahead.

Pity he's fictional.
God, I envy him.

But it looks like we're
going to end up with someone

who think that fingers
are finger food.

Who we talking about? Nathan?

God, he's good.
Reminds me of my dad.

Have you lost your f*cking mind?

Or has he eaten it?

No, he has some good ideas.

He thinks we should
adopt a corporate model,

run the ship as an
employee-owned partnership.

That is... That is... Yeah,
that's quite a good idea.

No that's communism,
which is illegal.

Okay, we need to discredit
him and start a rumor.

Saying what?

He's an alcoholic?

He's already a f*cking cannibal.

Yes, sorry. I forget
that sometimes.

Formed in the wake

of the third att*ck on Congress,

the Office of the
Other President

is a constellation of America's
brightest legacy CEOs.

Beth Bezos, Amazon.

Mike Zuckerberg, Reality Whack,

formerly Meta,
formerly Facebook.

And Dusty Musk, SpaceX.

Together they ratify all the
President's key decisions

along with this
quantum computer.

My
decision has been ratified.

The Office
of the Other President.

- Mr. Sato?
- Yeah?

We're here to make
challenging decisions.

Like when we dropped the
word "book" from "Facebook"

because people feel like
books look down on them.

Yeah, you're really
making the tough calls.

Avenue 5.

The lithium disinformation
has become problematic.

We think it's time to
sunset the Avenue 5 project.

Sure. Cut comms.
Don't prioritize them.

Avenue 5 currently exists.

We say let's 180 that reality.

What, you mean you want
to destroy Avenue 5?

Okay, so this is where you say,

"That's absolutely not
what we're saying."

That is absolutely
not what we're saying.

I am gonna work my socks off

to protect this little
guy's future. Yeah.

Yeah. 'Cause I'm not a quitter.

And there is no problem that
I won't sink my teeth into.

Don't eat the baby.

Oh, no, I'm not going
to eat the baby.

That would be a red line.

- Now remember, keep it short.
- Short.

Smile. And don't
thr*aten them with death.

- Go. Go, go, go.
- Okay, I'm going.

Ha!

Hi, guys. So...

- Why you?
- Why me? Well.

Training, uh,
intelligence, and...

Okay, but if you're so good,

then why haven't
we gotten home yet?

Why haven't you used warp speed?

Because it
doesn't exist, babe.

Then why can't you invent it?

- Yeah.
- Because even if it did,

it would probably
smear everybody

into a molecular paste.

Wow, are you...

Are you threatening to k*ll us?

This is the one thing
I told her not to do.

Guys, you are booing...

You are booing physics.
So that's stupid.

Am I the only one here
with half a brain?

Oh!

Okay, now you're
booing competence?

Okay, you know what?

All of you morons
deserve everything

that is coming to you.

When death visits upon
you, may you see my face.

Okay.

Okay, listen. I almost had it.

Down she goes!

Oh, Christ, we're gonna get
the cannibal, aren't we?

"Here lies Ryan Clark.

Freed a cannibal,
captured a cannibal,

elected a cannibal, was
eaten by a cannibal.

May he rest in a cannibal."

- Who else have we got?
- Frank?

Could we have Frank?

- No, it can't be Frank.
- No, he's a human donkey sanctuary.

Frank couldn't lead himself
down a one-way corridor.

- Rav?
- People say that I'm cold.

But does a body need
a heart to function?

I mean, yes. But
does... does it really?

Um, okay, okay, still yes.

But cold? Do you know
who else was cold?

No, sorry, I started that
without anyone in mind

and I just thought
it would come to me.

- That was... that was silly.
- No.

Okay, it's time to reach
for the nuclear football

and turn the... the twisty keys.

Oh, please, God, no. Not Karen.

- Please.
- No, don't feed the beast.

That is a very
complicated issue and...

And I don't have
an answer for you.

Sorry, excuse me, Frank.

Uh, Karen, we need you to run.

Oh, God.

I knew it. You want me.

Uh, well, we need you.

Come on.

It's okay to say you want
me. Say it. Say you want me.

I... ...want you.

And, um, what exactly is it
that you want me to do, Captain?

- Okay, is this really necessary?
- Yes, it's necessary.

I need clarity.

Karen, I... want you to rule me.

I want to be ruled by you.

Governed by you. All of us do.

We all want to be
governed by Karen.

Not just today,
but for all time.

I know.

I guess I've always known.

I just wanted to
hear you say it.

Frank?

Excuse me, people.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Make a hole, people.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I am humbled...

You know what, just eff
off, you effing eff-heads!

No, we can't just be stuck
with Edward Eat-my-hands.

Actually, I...

Isaac. Yes.

He's been right in front
of us all this time.

I was the fifth
Canadian on Mars!

What's that got to
do with anything?

Isaac, bad news.

- We need you to save us.
- No, I... I can't.

I'm not cut out for this.

I'm just a patent attorney.

Oh, come now.

There's no such thing as
"just" a patent attorney.

Look at me, I... I
can't handle this.

These people scare
the sh*t out of me.

It's like a nest
of vipers developed

a sense of entitlement.

Okay, take off your diapers

and put on your big-boy
panties 'cause Daddy's home!

Vote me!

No!

Why are you booing? Because
I didn't stand earlier?

No, 'cause we don't want
you to stand at all.

Okay, I won't stand. I'll
just campaign manage Mads.

I'll just tell you
to vote for Mads.

- No!
- I'll recommend Mads.

No!

- I'll just say the word "Mads."
- No!

- I'll stay out of this.
- Thank you.

Wow. Wow, bud.

They hate you so much
they took it out on me.

Listen, I'm... I...
I know, I'm sorry.

Look, uh, you're a loser.

And, um, I hate losers.

So I'm gonna end this here.

- Yeah.
- Uh... and, uh, yeah.

I delete you. Boop!

Look at it this
way. If you win,

you get a lovely
apartment to cry in.

And you'll probably
be deposed in a year.

Come on, let's go.
Come on, Isaac.

- No, I really don't...
- No, no, no, come on.

- Please don't make me...
- It'll be fun.

In four years' time,

we will all be at each
other's throats, okay?

That's just facts.

And I will help you to survive.

I've made a crossbow...

um, out of, uh,

steam-pressed ply...

And... and eel gut.

I'm gonna teach you to survive.

I'm gonna teach you
how to make your own.

And you'll be safe. You'll
all be safe with me.

Except for Ryan Clark.

He will suffer immensely
and be shown no mercy.

The only question is,
how will we k*ll him?

Will he be fried
or eaten or sexed?

Well, yeah. Right now
it's unstable up there.

But once they elect a president,

then we'll have a clear
line of communication.

Well, it looks like they're
about to elect a cannibal.

Hello again, everyone. Uh...

Um, look, I... I realize

that he's not as
exciting as someone

who might k*ll you,
but we need someone

with natural authority
and charisma.

We need someone like TV Ryan.

- Yes!
- Absolutely!

How is TV Ryan gonna work out?

He's fictional, and
he's not on the ship.

- Because he's fictional!
- This man.

He can be our TV Ryan.

He picked me up when I was down,

and he can do the same
thing for this ship.

No... no, I can't.

I've tried that and
I was sh*t at it.

- That's why you deposed me.
- He was sh*t!

So, so sh*t.

And that's why he'll
be so great this time!

That is literally meaningless.

He could be the
best of both worlds!

Together there are more of him!

No!

This is insane!

He brought a pedophile on
board, followed by a cannibal.

Vote for Ryan!

He doesn't eat people and
he looks hot in a hat!

And without the hat! Whoo!

Okay, let's put it to a vote.

No, Spike, let's not
put it to a vote.

No, no, no, no. We are...

Do not put it to a vote. We
are not voting on... on this.

- Don't...
- Eighty-six percent.

That's more than the
Jonas Brothers got

for their second term.

- Oh...
- Let's make Ryan

president for life!

No, no, no, no, no!

Jesus Christ.

- Ryan! TV Ryan!
- No! No!

Let's make him look
more like TV Ryan!

No!

This makes zero sense
constitutionally.

We literally just deposed him.

My f*cking chair.

TV Ryan! TV Ryan!

-Guys, that's not me! That's not me!
-TV Ryan! TV Ryan! TV Ryan!

That's not me!

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

I lied.

- I liked you being the captain.
- Oh, me too.

We voted for you!

Oh... oh, actually
I voted for Nathan.

I didn't vote.

If you need a first lady,
you know where to find me.

He already has a first lady.

Well, I could be the
second first lady,

- in case you get sh*t.
- Well, I would take a b*llet.

If it helps.

I'm offering you my
guidance and support.

And you'll need my advice to,
uh, counterbalance her advice.

I like winners. And
you're a winner.

I'm really sorry
about this whole...

I will make your reign
a reign of blood.

Billie! Help me!

Uh, for the first
time in my life,

I have no idea what to do.

Okay, people,
step away. Step away.

Our supreme leader.

And so it begins again.

Right.
What's first up?