Good night, you guys. See you at work.
Gwen, thanks so much for coming.
Don't forget your goodie bag.
Bet you never got a goodie bag
at a bachelorette party, huh?
Not with homemade salad dressing.
You know, if you want the recipe...
Yeah. Good night.
Good night! Whoo!
That was some party, huh?
Great! Yeah, thank you for throwing it for me.
Oh, honey. Hey, what was your favorite part?
Uh... Well, let's...
Well, we knitted tea cozies.
Yeah.
We painted pottery. Right.
We sat on balloons and made them pop.
Don't make me choose.
(YAWNS)
I am b*at.
Oh, I know. It's been a long night.
God, it's already... : ?
Whoa, : ?
Man, I better clean up in the morning.
We're meeting with the caterer tomorrow,
and we have the final fitting for your dress.
Oh, you are gonna be such a beautiful bride.
Oh, good night.
Good night. Hope I can sleep.
God, I'm so wired from the party.
It's hard to come down off that knitting high, huh?
Yeah.
Love you.
Love you!
Hate this.
(SIGHS)
Hey!
Hey.
What's going on here?
Where'd the cattle go? Huh?
Sorry, party's over.
BOTH: What?
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
No naked pillow fights?
No JELL-O wrestling?
No "let's kiss just to see if we like it"?
Damn!
You mean I taped over Gracie's dance recital for nothing?
Wow. Lame party.
Yeah, well, when you start with a lesson
from the origami lady, you burn out quick.
You know, unless you're or , Cheryl's parties suck.
JIM AND DANA: Yeah.
Even in fast forward, this party is slow.
Well, at least I have this little paper bird
to remind me of this night.
It doesn't even fly! What the hell?
Dana, Dana, wait a second, wait a second. Hey.
You looking for a little fun?
Because I happen to know a gentleman
who has a Master's degree in "fun-ology."
He studied at the Royal Academy of Fun, did he not?
Yes, he was in charge of "fun-raising."
Yes, yes, yes. And his jolly old sidekick who goes by the name of Fun-dy.
Yes!
Ok, I get it. It's you two,
and you're both fun.
Exactly. And Mr. Fun-dy and myself
would like to take you out and give you a proper sendoff.
I'm gonna go out for my bachelorette party with you two?
No, thanks.
Fine! Fine! Go home and pout.
Or you can come out with us
and have a night you won't remember
the rest of your life.
Booze? Lots.
Music? Loud!
Strippers? Oh, yeah!
She means male strippers.
Ow.
What the heck? Let's do it! All right! Come on!
We're gonna need a chauffeur for the evening.
Andy, call us a cab. You're a cab.
Trust me, in three hours, that's gonna sound real funny.
Come on, let's go.
Get the cab.
JIM: Oh, baby!
Shh! Be quiet.
I can't believe you did that.
I know!
I know! I can't believe it myself.
What exactly did I do?
No idea.
But it sure was funny.
It was. It really was. (LAUGHS)
Ooh, I'm hungry. I want eggs.
Yes! Eggs and breakfast.
(RATTLING)
Shh!
You're gonna wake up breakfast!
(LAUGHING)
You said "wake up breakfast."
I did!
(LAUGHING)
All right. Eggs it is.
And pancakes. Yes.
Hey, let's have a bucket of hash browns.
And we'll smother it with spaghetti!
Aw...
Hot spaghetti.
Shh! Andy!
Shh! Shut up!
What is going on down here?
Ow!
Honey, uh...
Andy and I, we woke up early,
and we're gonna make some breakfast.
Cajun style!
Down in the bayou!
(BOTH SINGING)
Guys, shut up! You are so drunk! Shh!
Shh!
It's : in the morning.
What were you doing?
Drinking.
And wrestling gators.
On Bourbon Street.
Down in the bayou! Shh! Shh!
Where were you guys all night?
It's a little fuzzy, ok?
But I know we were definitely...
Not here.
We were in a cab. I know that.
I have the receipt.
What other receipts do you have?
Let's see...
Oh, we were at Antlers.
Ooh, I managed to get a number.
Ooh!
Any chance Gus is a girl?
I thought you guys were over at Andy's watching a Karate Kid marathon.
Instead you were out getting blasto?
Excuse me, Cherie...
It's blotto.
Oh!
And we were in total control.
(PATRONS SHOUTING)
(CHEERING)
You call that in control?
Hey, at least we didn't fall off the bar.
Ah!
And, Cherie, let me tell you,
a lot of people had fun.
Jim!
Mmm...
You should have seen how much Dana made.
Whoo!
What?
She dancin' Cajun style!
Just like down in the bayou!
That's where we got that.
Ahh!
Hey, hey, hey. Focus!
What was Dana doing there?
She was having a bachelorette party.
I gave her a bachelorette party.
You gave her a tea party.
We actually gave her a party where there was fun.
You mean, Cajun-style fun!
Down in the bayou!
(BOTH SINGING)
Hey, hey, hey!
My party was fun! We made s'mores!
Shh!
Cherie, you're gonna wake up Cheryl!
I'm gonna call Dana to make sure she made it home ok.
You did take her home, right? You got her home?
I don't think I have a receipt for that.
Oh, my God! You lost my sister!
Hey!
She's my sister, too.
Yes, we did lose her.
But I think I know where she is.
Don't you dare say it!
Got to. She down on the bayou!
And the gator's got my baby!
♪ Chomp, Chomp Pajama chomp... ♪
Don't worry, Carol.
We'll find Dana.
Absolutely. We got a paper trail right there.
Yep, we just go through these retrace
and we'll receipts our steps.
Or I could call her cell.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh, my God.
I hear some kind of a grunting sound.
Cheryl, it's probably Ryan,
and they're in the middle of... Hang up!
I'll have a listen.
No!
It can't be Ryan. He's in Milwaukee at an OB/GYN conference.
Honey, it sounds like some kind of wild animal.
Listen.
(GRUNTING)
Ah. It's Bobo.
Oh, right. Bobo.
Bobo, Bobo, relax. Calm down.
You're not making any sense.
Who the hell is Bobo?
He's the chimp at the zoo.
She's in a cage with a chimp?
(LAUGHS) No!
She must have just dropped her cell phone there, that's all.
What were you doing at the zoo?
I think I had a hankering for some peanuts.
What about Dana?
Oh, she was laughing.
She had a ball sliding down the penguin slide.
No! Where is she?
Mm. Okay, well, according to this timeline,
the zoo was before the male strip club. Mm-hmm.
And Dana was definitely with us there.
Oh, yeah. That's where I made my classic toast.
(CHEERING)
Holy crap, that guy's junk can't be real.
I got to make a toast.
I'm not gay, but I'll drink to that.
For Dana.
All right, ladies.
Ladies! Ladies!
Pipe down, you horny hens.
Take it off or sit down!
Yeah!
(CHEERING)
DANA: Hey, Jim...
(WOMEN CHEERING)
To Dana!
Yes.
To this beautiful young bride-to-be.
Whoo! That's me! Thank you. Rock on.
Thank you, Chicago.
Yes.
Here, Dana. To your last gasp of freedom ever!
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
No, I'm serious, Dana.
You know, marriage is like a prison.
You got to check in with the warden,
you're on permanent laundry duty,
and you can only have sex with one person for the rest of your life.
Actually, Jim, I'm not sure
that's technically true of prison.
Dana, you will now be one of the many mothers in carpool,
sitting home quietly and drinking and wondering,
"Where did it all go wrong?"
So say good-bye to briefcases
and Armani, and say hello
to apron strings and babies.
Whaa! Whaa!
Hey, I like kids.
Well, you better,
because they'll put your body through hell.
So here's to Dana,
who once was alive and free,
and now who's trapped and practically dead.
(CHUCKLING) Hear! Hear!
Ahh! Ahh!
Marriage is like a prison?
Is that what you think about us?
No, of course not!
I love being married.
I got a good deal.
Must be hell on you.
Yeah.
It's just drunk talk, Cheryl.
That's what guys do at bachelor parties.
Guys, not girls.
We talk about shoes and dresses
and seating arrangements, not silly things
like what the rest of our lives are gonna be like.
No, we focus on the big day.
Well, you should focus on the day after.
That's what guys do.
Yeah, because it's a test.
If they can take it, then they're ready to get married.
And if not, then we got a runner.
God. You must have scared her to death.
Oh, she was laughing and having a great time.
Yeah, think. Was there any point at which
she wasn't laughing and having a great time?
She got a little quiet...
At that bar with all the trains.
That was a train station.
Dana's on the : AM. To mil-wa-ukee.
What? Milwaukee?
Ryan's in Milwaukee!
Yes.
That's right.
She said she was so moved by my speech,
she wanted to go up and see Ryan
so she could fall off the bedding with him.
What?
No, Jim!
Fall off the bedding. You know that...
Crawl off to Redding.
No, no...
Fall off the bedding doesn't make any sense.
She said, "Fall off the bedding."
You must have been hammered.
I certainly was.
Hey, guys!
What did Dana say?
I have to call off the wedding.
I have to call off the wedding!
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh! ANDY: Ah!
Well, that makes sense.
Jim.
Jim, I think we got ourselves a runner.
Ok! You guys, it's : .
If we hurry, we can stop her from making
the stupidest mistake of her life.
Wait, second stupidest.
The stupidest was letting you two jackasses
throw her a bachelorette party!
Cheryl! Hold it!
Where's the parmesan?
You are coming with me.
And you're gonna tell her that I love you
and you love me,
and how damn wonderful marriage is!
And while the risk of ectopic pregnancy is rare,
our double-blind study indicates that there is...
All right, listen up, you gynos!
Ryan? Where are you?
Excuse me, ma'am...
I know you're out there.
All right, listen to me, listen to me.
The wedding is off!
Because I don't want the kind of marriage
that's a prison with baby strings and aprons!
I have a career and I need good shoes for it.
And I want romance,
and I want sex.
I want a lotta, lotta sex!
Hey! There's writing on my boobs.
And if you don't like my body
after it's been ravaged by birth,
there's a lot of guys out there who would.
Show of hands!
What's the matter, lady? You don't like what you see?
And I do not want to drive a minivan
in a carpool and then just be dead.
Hear me, and hear me good, Ryan Gibson.
You will not oppress me!
Oh, Dr. Gibson? He left early.
He said he missed his fiancee.
Aww.
Well...
While I have your attention,
those instruments
are cold.
You think about it.
Oh! Dana! Oh, thank God!
Don't do it. Don't call off the wedding.
It's ok. I never found Ryan.
But I did find a roomful of gynecologists.
Tough crowd.
Maybe I should have had my legs up in the air.
Bobo, I'm roaming. Stop calling!
Where's Ryan?
He left the conference early.
Apparently he missed his fiancee.
Oh... I'm such an idiot.
Oh, Dana. You are an idiot.
Jim!
She is, for misunderstanding
what I was trying to say last night.
All right, look, you're right.
I might have skewed it a tad on the dark side.
You mean when you compared marriage to prison and hell?
Yeah, that's it.
But the fact is, Ryan is a great guy.
And I was just trying to make sure
that you were ready to take this big step.
And, look, I would do it for any guy I cared for.
And I did it for you because I...
Care for you, too.
A lot.
I appreciate that.
I'm just so mixed up.
Sure. Sure, you're having a lot of feelings right now.
Yeah.
You're having a lot of emotions.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl?
Tag me out?
Yeah.
How could I be so stupid to let Jim get to me?
He said things were gonna change,
and I actually believed him.
Yeah, about that changing thing...
It's kind of true.
They are gonna change?
Yeah.
Marriage is like prison?
No, no. Marriage is not like prison.
(FARTS)
No, you know, actually in a lot of ways, it's worse.
Why are you telling me this?
Well, because I didn't before and maybe I should have.
We've been spending all this time
talking about the wedding, but we didn't talk about
what happens when you go from being a single girl
to a married woman.
It's a big change,
and sometimes it really is hard as hell.
(SIGHS)
So Jim's right.
Oh, no, he's out of his mind. No.
But what guys do that's good
is they give each other an out.
I mean, I've been working so hard on your wedding
because I really want it to be a great day for you,
but if for any reason you need an out,
I am behind you all the way. I am.
I know. No, I don't need an out.
It's just...
What?
I'm finally Dana.
You know, and it took me a long time to get here.
And I don't want to just...
Just turn into somebody's wife or somebody's mother.
I don't want to lose me.
Oh, honey.
Just 'cause you're married, you don't lose the "me."
It's just that the "me" becomes a part of "us."
(BURP)
And sometimes "us" Is really gonna get on your nerves.
So why does anybody do this?
Oh, because, honey, if you find the right guy
and have a good, loving relationship,
then you get a chance to be more you than you ever dreamed possible.
Wow.
That's good. I'm gonna use that in my vows.
Great. Gotta come up with another toast.
(SIGHS)
Come on, let's get out of here.
Yeah. I better go wake Jim.
(FARTS)
Do you still have that train ticket?
Yeah.
Let Amtrak deal with him.
(DANA LAUGHS)
I love it!