01x11 - Tall Men with Feelings

[bunniefuu]

Don't f*cking touch it.

We'll take care
of it from here.

This shit better be
spotless when I get back.

Here you go. It's okay.

Wow. It's tight in here
with three people, huh?

Tell me how it's also dark at
night and cold in the snow.

Hey, hey, you're gonna need
to clean that up.

That's all you gotta say to
the mother of your child?

You have to be quiet, please.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Can I do anything or...

So what do you want? Hurry it up.
It f*cking stinks in here.

I have a plan. It's
a pretty good one, I think.

You see, I told you.

So there's this
thing called furlough,

where they grant an inmate
temporary leave...

I know what furlough is.

They don't actually give
that shit to anyone. Ever.

It's rare, yes.
But my uncle knows the warden.

I think we can make an appeal.

For the love of your poor,
long-suffering grandma.

Mama Lourdes?

Ay, Mama Lourdes is so mean,
she's gonna outlive all of us.

He's talking about a fake
abuela, who's really sick.

Then fake abuela fake dies.

And you get to leave for the
weekend to go to her fake funeral.

What's that have to
do with the baby?

Ay, Dios mio, between
the two of yous,

this child's gonna be
100% ret*rd. I swear.

When you start to show
and we can't hide it anymore,

we tell everyone
that you got your p*ssy

f*cked while you
were on furlough.

Peg-leg Pete here gets to keep his
job and no one knows shit. Get it?

Yo, that shit is smart.

Thanks.

But it ain't never gonna work.

Like you're the first person
who ever tried this game.

Well, it's all we have, right?
So, I'll submit it today.

Just do your best
to hide the puking.

Hi.

Larry Bloom. I'm here
for Urban Tales.

Great. You can have a seat.
Maury's not quite ready for you.

Can I get you anything while you wait?
Water? Coffee?

Sir?

Sorry... Yes. Water,
please. Would be great.

Got to keep the vocal
chords hydrated, you know?

Too eager?

Just a little.
Okay. Thank you.

You here for Urban Tales?

I am, yeah. Ben Palmer.

Larry Bloom.

Does your boyfriend
live far away?

My fiancee is in prison.
She's a she. She's a girl.

The cardigan threw me.

So, prison? That's gotta be
some rough stuff, huh?

Yeah.
It's very difficult.

How about you?

My husband's a scientist down
at McMurdo in Antarctica.

So, it's a different
kind of prison.

Jeez. Yeah, that's like, as
long distance as you can get.

Haven't seen him
in almost two years.

Where's your fiancee locked up?

She's upstate.

I get to see her,
you know, pretty often.

Ready, guys?

It's gonna be a great show.

I'm sorry...
Okay. Thanks.

Hey, heard your dude's
gonna be on the radio tomorrow.

What? Where did
you hear that?

Well, a little birdie who listens to
NPR in her transport van told me.

You didn't know?

No, I had no idea.

I have not been able to get
in touch with him for a week.

Maybe he's cheating
on me with Maury Kind.

Oh. Then you'd both be gay.
So post-modern.

You know, it's like
the sole purpose

of these things is
to end up tangled.

Why has no one
figured out a solution yet?

All right, Seinfeld.
Calm down.

You in a hurry to
hang yourself with it?

Less than 24 hours
and you're making a joke?

Someone is dead.

Jesus Christ. You having
your red dot special?

Communists in your
funhouse? Crimson tide?

Okay, perfect.

By all means, attribute my legitimate
feelings of sadness to menses.

You really just say menses?

That's gross.

You're gross.

Great comeback.

Excuse me, inmate?
What did you say to me?

Hey, Chapman. Oh!
Pick your battles.

Didn't your vacation on the sunny
island of SHU teach you anything?

Are they really not gonna
have a memorial for her?

Are you kidding?

The administration cares about
burying the story, not her.

Well, f*ck that.

Everybody deserves a funeral. I'm
gonna organize something for her.

You barely knew her.
What are you doing?

I'm untangling.

Have you ever seriously
considered su1c1de?

What are you?
One of those hippy-dippy docs?

Like, if I told you I was
dreaming about a pineapple

you would ask me if I wanna
have sex with my mama? Hmm?

Have you experienced
any of the following

during the last two weeks?
Anxiety?

Of course I've
experienced anxiety.

You think this is an easy job?

Having to heal the whole world
with just these 10 fingers.

It's a lot of pressure.

Loss of appetite?

What does that have to do with anything?
Hmm? Doc?

You know, it's people like you
that give America a bad name.

You all go squawking around talking
about g*ns being dangerous,

when all you want to do is shove
pills down people's throats.

When all they need is
just a little bit of faith.

Ask me about my appetite. Why? Because
I'm just naturally kind of skinny?

Miss Doggett, if you could
please just answer the question.

I have answered the question.

I'm not crazy. I'm chosen.
There's a difference.

Now, if you just let
me out of this cage,

we can both get
back to our jobs.

Please?

You've stated that you believe God is
speaking to you and allowing you...

I don't have
to believe, Doc. I know.

Why don't you just go ask
some of the other girls?

They're all gonna tell you.

I've been healing ailments left and right.
Miracle. There's proof.

These hallucinations
you've been having...

I'm not having
f*cking hallucinations!

I don't belong in here!
Come on!

Miss Doggett...

I'm not a freaking animal,
get me out!

Miss Doggett,
when you calm down

I will get you on a sedative,
take you to a nice room...

I don't need any sedatives!
Jesus has my back!

Please! Doc!

Doc, come back!

An inmate is dead and a crippled
delinquent was att*cked.

What happened yesterday
was an epic fuckup, people.

All of you better get
on your knees tonight

and pray that none of those kids'
families sue the shit out of the DOC,

because we're all out
of a job if they do.

You think she's gonna get
on her knees tonight?

Something funny, gentlemen?

Hi. I was just wondering,

is there gonna be an investigation
into Miller's death?

Our manual says that
the FBI is supposed

to be informed
anytime there's...

This was
a clear-cut su1c1de case.

There's nothing to investigate.

The body was cremated.
May she rest in peace.

So, the warden has asked us to draft
a memo to distribute to the inmates,

telling them that we care, the
services that are available, etc.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm sorry, but how is this a
good use of our time, exactly?

Excuse me?

I don't know about the rest of
you, but I've got real work to do.

Sit down.

Unless you want me
to tell the warden

that you refused
to participate.

So, who wants to begin?

We should offer our
condolences, right?

Insurance companies
always tell you not

to apologize when
you're in an accident.

Admits fault.

Just say,
"Being locked up sucks.

"But that's no
reason to hang yourself,

"slit your wrists or chug
10 bottles of NyQuil."

Mendez out.

You think a dead prisoner
is a joke, Mendez?

Something to make light of?

Let me be clear.

When these women are at
Litchfield, they're in our care.

And yesterday, we failed.

A girl died because of us.
All of us.

So quit f*cking around and
show some g*dd*mn humanity.

Heavy stuff, huh?

Yeah. It's so hard
to believe.

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing. Probably gonna watch
some SportsCenter, hit the hay.

You want to...
Want to get a drink?

You know I would,
I have a thing...

Come on.

Don't be a p*ssy. One drink.

You can watch your gay
sports show tomorrow.

Yeah. All right. Cool.

See you in the parking lot.

Hey. I wanna order some of that ginger gum.
I got some commissary credit.

There's ginger
ale at commissary.

No, I tried that shit. I got
a really bad stomach thing.

What's my name?

What?
I said, what's my name?

I don't know.

Exactly. All day long it's,
"Get me this, get me that."

There are,
what, 250 women in here?

Is it that hard to know my name?
I bet you know Red's name.

We can't help you.

What?

Look, I don't mean no problems.

Gloria said I
should ask in here.

No problem. Gina's a sensitive little
squirrel when she's on the rag.

Your daughter's pregnant, yes?

What? No.

There's this stomach
thing going around.

She hasn't eaten in weeks.

She's nauseous all the time but
still has a glow on her skin.

It's none of your business.

You bring it into my kitchen,
you make it my business.

Okay, Sherlock.
Yes. You got it.

You're out
of bounds, inmate!

Get the f*ck out of here.

Hey, what's your sign?

Yo! My sign is get your ass up
and help me with this shit.

You don't wanna know what the
planets have in store for you,

that's your business.

Man, the planets have
jail in store for me.

And some more of the same
tomorrow, and the day after that.

Yeah.
Aries.

All right.

"It might be an excellent
time to take a trip

"or see a new
part of the world.

"Expand your horizons,
dear Aries."

Yo!
Expand your horizons, boo.

Stupid.

This is for the birds.

Hate to break it to you, son,
but we the birds.

If you want me to read yours,
all you had to do was ask.

What's your sign?

Taurus.

Oh, yeah, you a stubborn bull,
all right. Okay.

"The news that
you've been waiting for

"might be
delivered in a few days,

"and will likely be positive.

"Gather your loved ones around,

"in case you need extra support
for the changes to come."

Yo, your appeal.

I don't think that's
any of your business.

Excuse me.

So, what's up? You really
believe in all that stuff?

Sure do. But this
paper's eight months old.

What?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

Okay. Here's some advice,

when a girl makes you cum
the way that I do,

you should always act
thrilled to see her.

Stop it.

Okay. You're not in the mood
to banter, I withdraw my bant.

Mmm.

I asked some of the girls to come
help me plan a memorial for Tricia,

nobody showed up.
I don't get it.

I guess I'm the only one who
cares if there is a funeral.

Okay. That's not the most self-involved
thing I've heard you say,

but it's definitely up there.

Please. Alex, will you stop
pretending like nothing happened?

Pipes, you can't force people to
mourn the way you want them to

just because it'll
make you feel better.

That's not what I'm doing.

Really?
No!

'Cause I think we both know that
dealing with emotional chaos

is not one of
your strong suits.

Which is why we're not having an
affair, we're just being human.

And why you are
planning a memorial

for a girl that
you barely knew.

We talked. I did know her.

Did you know her better
than you knew my mom?

That's not fair.

None of it was fair.

Look, life gets
messy sometimes.

You know, you gotta learn
you can't always fix it.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho.
It's off to work I go. Oh!

Don't mind me, ladies. Just
gonna do a little buffering.

All in a day's work.

♪ Vanilla and vanilla

♪ Swirl, swirl

♪ Swirl, swirl ♪

You know, I don't actually think it's
a swirl if it's the same flavor.

You know, if you
were still my wife,

I would tell you all the time
how much I like your titties.

'Cause girls like that.

And that is
a tip from me to you.

Alex, I miss you.

I don't have time
to wander around

flea markets and drink
cafe au lait with you.

But I'm so cute.
Look how cute I am.

Babe, I'm sorry.
I'm so f*cking stressed.

But you're always
so f*cking stressed.

I feel like
a pathetic housewife.

Is this our life now?

Hey. Hey.

Let me take you out tonight, okay?
Anywhere you want to go.

Okay?

Okay.

Hey,

would you be up for a trip
to Istanbul this weekend?

Yes! Of course!

Oh, babe, that's great.
Thank you.

I think you should be able to
get there and back in a day,

so you won't even
have to stay overnight.

I'm gonna call and set
up your ticket for you.

Oh, my God.

I thought for a second you
meant we would go together.

Like a vacation.
Like normal people.

I need you to do this.

I wouldn't ask if I
had any another option.

I specifically told you that
I would never do that again.

Jesus, I am so stupid.

I really am. I'm just
another drug mule to you.

You are such
a naive assh*le sometimes.

I'm an assh*le?

I'm drowning right now and you
won't even consider helping me.

I am done. I can't do this anymore.
I can't be with you.

Are you serious?
Where are you gonna go?

I don't know
where I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go
back to the States,

where I'm not your errand girl.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.
How did I not see this...

You know what, I did see this coming.
Years ago.

Rule number one. Don't ever fall
in love with a straight girl.

Is that what you think this is about?
That I like d*ck?

You know, I guess that
is easier than facing

the fact that you
are a drug dealer.

And it is ruining
everything good in your life.

Don't you dare push this on me.

You knew exactly
what you were getting into.

I thought we were a team.

This shit is weird. Why
aren't we playing dominoes?

And what's she doing here?

You gotta f*ck Pornstache.

What the f*ck? What are
you even talking about?

If you want to keep your baby and
Bennett, this is the only way.

Otherwise, you don't get both.

You just gotta
get him to f*ck you.

Then you go to Caputo, and tell
him that Pornstache r*ped you,

you got the proof.

The proof is in the pudding,
as they say.

You let soldier boy
dream about his furlough.

It ain't gonna happen.

Girls in here miss
their own mother's funeral.

And I think we all know
your mother's doing just fine.

I don't care.

I won't cheat on John.
I love him.

Of course,

which is exactly why
this is your only option.

We've all known
girls in your situation,

and do you know
what happens to them?

They get punished.
Sent out to the SHU.

Transferred to
maximum security.

And when it comes out that
Bennett is the father,

he'll be arrested
and convicted as

a sex offender and
he'll go to prison, too.

This is bigger than you.

Every decision you make now
affects your family.

Welcome to motherhood.

Even if I say yes, and I'm not,
how would I get him to do it?

You're good at getting guys
to sleep with you, no?

No. Toss those.

Here, I'll take that.
Used it on her corn rows.

You called her "corn hoes"
when she and Mercy started dating.

Yes, well,
that was before she was dead.

Besides, I told Mercy
I'd keep a few things for her.

You talked to Mercy?

Yeah. I mean,
somebody had to talk to her.

That was good of you, Boo.

Yeah.

Remember when Danita tried
to do Trish's corn rows?

Even Black Cindy couldn't
fix that shit. Yeah.

Poor kid. She walked
around looking like

Ursula from
The Little Mermaid for weeks.

You eat.

Thank you.

f*cking Chang.

Who would've thought it, huh?

Yeah.

Hey!
Fresh out of the microwave.

Gracias.

Always thought
Tricia seemed nice.

I mean,
I never talked to her much

or nothing,
but she had a good vibe.

Yeah.

Sucks she hung herself.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Yeah. Gracias.

Let me smell.

What do you think?

What's up?

Thought y'all could use some
comfort food.

Oh, shit!

You know, I talked to her once
in the food line.

Man, we both hated goulash day.

She pulled off them
rows really nice, too.

Yeah. Well, for a white girl.

Thanks for all of this.

Oh, also...

This.

Holy shit.

Looks like they forgot to turn
these potatoes into chips.

Open that up, shawty.

Shit!
You gotta check this out.

What? Let me see.
What? No f*cking way.

f*cking check it out!

You gotta pour one
out for her, right?

Thanks, son.

Yeah.

Looks like we throwing a party.

f*cking-A.

We were having our coffee,
reading the paper.

And all of a sudden there are two huge
guys with badges at our front door.

Piper wasn't even dressed.

You never expect to
be in your pajamas

the moment your
life changes forever.

That's true, isn't it?

At the very least you'd have
underwear on, hopefully.

And how did you feel
once you started to understand

that she'd actually
committed the crime?

That your fiancee was
an indicted criminal?

I was blindsided,
that's for sure.

But it's like anything, eventually
it starts to feel normal.

You figure out the right words to
say to other people. You adjust.

I have to assume that
Piper is much more fortunate

than a lot of
the women in there with her.

You're able to drive up to see
her, you have resources, family.

Yeah. Yeah. We're very lucky.
I see her a lot.

What are your visits like?

Oh, you know. She catches me up
on all the latest prison gossip.

Which is actually
highly entertaining.

Really?
Yeah.

Can you tell us some
of your favorite stories?

Oh, man. Well, I think my
favorite is one of the first.

Ow!

Dandelion! You okay?

No touching.
No touching, okay? I'm fine.

I'm real sorry about that.

There used to be a sign that
said, "Caution. Wet floor."

Really told people
what was going on.

Suzanne, do you think
you could help me up?

It's okay.

Okay. Man. Okay.

Here we go. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

This is my fault.
This is my fault.

My fault. My fault.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Please, don't,

please, please,
please, don't do that.

Please... It's okay.

Thanks.

I'm gonna make sure
you get home okay.

No weird stuff.

Thanks.

You know this doesn't mean
I'm your wife, right?

I'm in much more of a
loving-being-single phase, anyway.

I don't wanna be tied down.
You feel me?

Oh, I feel you.

Thank you, Suzanne.
Thank you very much.

Ah!

Suzanne, would you
mind taking this pillow

and putting it
underneath my knee?

You're not gonna pee, are you?

No. When I get angry sometimes
I can't control myself.

That's why I go to Looney Jail sometimes.
Psych. But not like "psych!"

I gotta work on self-control.

I can come back up
here when I'm in control

'cause Mommy and
Daddy and the lawyer

have an agreement
with the warden.

Yeah. I like it up here.
I just gotta use the signal.

What's the signal?

Yeah. Helps the guards
know it's cool.

Otherwise, back down.

Is Psych worse than the SHU?

Way worse.

Scary.

It's bold. Cold. Old.

It's real bad. I wouldn't
wish it on the worst gremlin.

But they give
you a therapist...

No.

Nope. I mean, they give me
medication and make me calm.

But that just makes me sleepy.

Sometimes when I'm real upset,
they tie me down.

Like a balloon.
So I don't fly away.

That sounds horrible.

Yeah. Nobody comes
back from Psych.

Except me.

Once you go to Psych,
you get lost in Psych.

It's like that place with the three corners?
In the ocean?

The Bermuda Triangle.

We should play charades
sometime, Dandelion.

We'd make great partners.
Not wives. Just partners.

Oh, can I ask you
one more question?

Yeah, of course.

How come everyone
calls me Crazy Eyes?

Oh! God, no!

Another five milligrams
of diazepam for Doggett.

I don't need any more.
I don't need no...

Hey!

I'm not crazy.

Jesus, where are
you when I need you?

No! Please.
I'm not crazy, I swear.

If you weren't crazy, you
wouldn't have to work so hard

to convince
everyone you're sane.

To Tricia.
May she rest in peace.

Hey, Boo!
Hey!

Oh, f*ck off!

Got to pour one out
for our girl, huh?

Shit.

Take it, take it.

I thought you said they
weren't doing rounds today.

Oh, it's just you.

Yeah.

Girl, get your ass in here.

So this is what you
guys decided to do

instead of come
to my memorial? Huh?

Get drunk?

Which looks like more fun?

Point, Nun.

No, I can't.

Hey, hand it over.

Used to be a lady
in here who made

the best toilet
hooch you've ever had.

Shame she got out.

Mmm!

Why is having a drink
so cathartic sometimes?

Booze helps you process.
At least where I come from.

My family just yelled at
each other when they drank

and then pretended
like nothing happened.

Ah.

This explains the wide-eyed,
ice-princess uptight thing.

I'm not uptight!

Really? Is that funny?
It's really that hilarious?

No, it's fine.

You're awfully quiet, Nichols.

It's been a long day, you know?

Look at this shit.

Still kept track of everything
she owed everybody.

How's that for karma,
huh? Yoga?

That girl, she was good.

Better than any of us. Too f*cking
good for this f*cking place.

Well, f*ck that. We all are.

To Trish.

To Trish.

Hey, come on, Benny.
sh**t one back with me, bud?

Nah, it's all right.
I'm driving.

Suit yourself.

Hello, ladies.

How are we doing this evening?

Buy us a drink?

Are you serious?

That's the first thing you say
to me, buy us a f*cking drink?

You believe these
f*cking sluts, Bennett?

What the f*ck is
wrong with you?

I'm sorry.
We just had a long week,

we're letting off
some steam here.

He didn't mean it.

Yeah,
'cause we work at the prison.

No shit?
That's gotta be scary.

A girl died yesterday.
Hung herself.

Should've seen how her eyes f*cking bulged
out of her head.

Like that actor, that...

Oh, come on, the
one with the big eyes...

Oh, come on! You know, the f*cking...
The ugly one.

All right. I think, maybe we
should get you home, man.

Oh.

You know what pisses me off, Benny?

These f*cking
b*tches look at me like I'm

some g*dd*mn piece
of meat, you know?

Like a f*cking sex toy.

But I'm a human being, man.

I'm a person, you know,
with feelings and emotions.

Does anybody ever ask me
how my day is going?

No.

We practically live with these girls.
We know everything about them.

Do they ever for a second think
about our life outside of work?

It's like we cease to exist
outside of those f*cking walls.

What the f*ck is that?

I'm sitting here, right?
Yeah, I exist!

They think I'm so tall,
my feelings don't get hurt.

All right, yeah.

You are tall, buddy.
Come on. I'll drive you home.

All right.

All right, all right.

Still a lightweight, huh, kid?

Hooch is a little stronger
than Pinot Grigio, you know?

You're looking very nice today.

Better than you, at least.

Are you off to
see you-know-who?

Perhaps.

Well, don't forget Larry's
interview is at 11:00 a.m.

I wouldn't miss it.

Well, you two are like
real butt buddies these days.

What do you think about that thing
that Big Boo said last night?

About Tricia's karma?

I think that we were all drunk
and bullshitting.

What if it's not bullshit?

I don't think that Pennsatucky
deserves to be in Psych.

Look, you're just hung over
and feeling emo, all right?

She's exactly
where she belongs.

We basically
performed a public service.

It's pretty horrible, Alex.

You thought it was hilarious.

That was before I talked to Suzanne
about what psych was like.

Who's Suzanne?

Crazy Eyes.

Are you cheating on me and
Larry with Crazy Eyes?

'Cause there is not
room for the four of us.

Shut up. This is not funny.

She said that Psych
is even worse than the SHU.

And I can't even begin...
I can't.

You know,
you really shouldn't have

started this whole
gaslighting thing.

Whoa, what is with the blaming?

You sent her
into that bathroom.

Do not project your
conscience onto me.

Especially before
I'm barely awake.

You know, you're absolutely right.
You're absolutely right.

I am gonna go to
Caputo's office

and I'm gonna tell
him that it was my fault

and that he should let her out.

Okay, I get your point,
Pipes. I get it.

You think that
it was wrong. Cool.

I am so tired of running away
from my shit, Alex.

You said it yesterday.
I compartmentalize

everything to make
myself feel better.

I mean, I'm having
an affair with you.

And we did not play a prank
on Pennsatucky, we were mean.

I cannot let her
stay in Psych. I can't.

Okay,
I would like to stress that

I think this is
truly f*cking stupid.

It was me that
started this whole thing.

Then I'll take this
one for the both of us.

Are you off
the phone now?

It wasn't in the bathroom,
either.

Did you look at
all while I was out?

Alex,
I understand you're upset,

but could you at least acknowledge
I'm a person who is speaking?

If I miss this
flight I'm screwed.

Alex! Passport! Hello?

My mom died.

What?

My aunt just called up. It
happened this morning, I guess.

Oh, Alex.

I'm so sorry.

My first instinct was
to call her to talk about it.

What happened?

An aneurysm.

I don't know. My aunt said so many
things I don't even remember now.

What can I do?

I don't know.
I mean, I need to fly home.

I need to figure
out the funeral

because there's no
one else to do it.

Okay.

Will you see if you could find us
two seats out on a flight today?

Al, I can't go with you.

What?

I am so sorry about your mom.

But this doesn't
change anything.

You're still leaving?

Right now?

My mother just died.
I can't f*cking believe you.

I can't be your
girlfriend anymore.

Yeah, and apparently
not even my friend.

Top drawer,
underneath my T-shirts.

Jesus, Alex!

You f*cking hid it?

Please don't leave.

Not now.

You shouldn't
really be out here.

It's okay.
I wanted to see you.

How are you feeling?

Okay. A little better. You
heard anything from the warden?

No. I'm...

To be honest,
I think I might have

underestimated
how long it'll take.

They said it could be weeks,
or maybe even months.

We don't got much time.
I know.

Daya, look, I'm really starting
to freak out a little.

I mean, I'm trying to be cool.

But, you know,
I could be arrested for this.

It's not just my job.
It's my whole life, you know?

And I know it's yours,
too, of course.

I don't know how
we're gonna fix this...

It'll be okay.
I know it will.

We'll figure
something out, okay?

Okay.

You know,
would you have liked me

if we would have met
out in the real world?

Yeah.

For real?
Of course.

I would've bought you a drink.
Chatted you up.

I don't know if we would
have been in the same club.

Who knows?
You know, I ended up

in a skeezy dive bar
with Mendez last night.

Never thought I'd be in a place like that.
Oh, man, he was so drunk.

Really?

Wasted, Daya.
Oh, it was hilarious.

These two nasty girls
started hitting on him,

then he went on this whole rant

about how women
treat him like meat

and never ask him
how he's doing or anything.

Who knew he was
such a delicate flower?

I wish you could've seen it.

Me, too.

Mr. Caputo?

What do you need, Chapman?

I'd like to talk to you
about Tiffany Doggett.

We took care of her. She
won't be a problem anymore.

It wasn't her fault.
It was mine.

And I would like to fill out a report.
Officially.

Have a seat.

What the f*ck are you doing?

You are out of bounds. Get back
behind the line immediately, inmate.

Sorry, I was just... I wanted to talk.
Is that okay?

You must get bored in here.

It's not stimulating, no.

You like other posts
more than the bubble?

Cafeteria's my favorite.

More to do, keeps you busy.

f*cking hate that intake.

The g*dd*mn ID machine's
always broken. Why?

No reason.
Just curious about your day.

Well, it's
important to stay occupied.

That's why I work on
these brain exercises.

You know, a job like this,
you gotta stay sharp.

You gotta stay on
top of your game.

You gotta stay a step ahead.
Quick like a snake.

In case any crossword
criminals jump out at you?

You know, the other day I just
read this article about Sudoku.

Turns out, the Japanese
did not invent it.

Some American,
some guy came up with it,

originally called
it Numbers Place.

Now I don't know what
Sudoku means in Japanese,

but I find it a little bit odd that
it came out right before 9/11.

You are glowing.

Am I?

Jean, I don't want to jinx it, but I
think I'll hear about my appeal soon.

Where would you like to go?

What do you mean?

On your first night out.
Where should we go?

Anywhere you like.

You must believe, lanmou mwen.
Believe and it will happen.

You remember that
little Italian place down

in the basement,
on Montague Street?

The one with the fresh bread.

Of course I do.

I'd like to go there.

And after?

Anywhere, with you.

Attention all officers,

intake for new
prisoners will be in one hour.

Come in. She's family.

I'll do it.
I got it all set up.

You're sure? Did you tell
him you wanted dr*gs?

No, I just talked to him.

Simple.
It's clean. I like it.

I didn't want to be this graphic
in front of your mother.

But you know he needs to...

Cum inside of you.

Or on you.

Right. Okay, if... At the very least,
you got to Lewinsky this shit.

Get some splooge
on your uniform.

Anything that'll
be concrete proof.

After you're done, you go
straight to the medic's office.

Tell him you've been r*ped. Have
him do an exam immediately.

Don't stop to pee.

Don't wash anything.
Understand?

Go get 'em, tiger.

Well, you're not in the SHU.
Mmm-mmm.

Janitorial duty.
Night shift. Two weeks.

You're lucky.

You better be
careful for a while.

No, no, no, no, no.

I think that looks like the exact
opposite of being careful.

Regnery is on duty again.

Come be my little spoon.

Gosh!

Ow. How do you
sleep on this thing?

Not well.

Hey, I am proud of you.

Yeah?
Yeah.

That was really brave. I mean,
it was dumb, but brave.

You know,

I don't think that anyone has ever
used that word to describe me

in the history of the universe.

I'm glad we have
each other in here, kid.

Yeah, me, too.

I mean, I'd rather be on a beach in
Tahiti, but this is a close second.

Why do you always
feel so inevitable to me?

I heart you.

You heart me?

Yeah.

What is that? Is that like
"I love you" for pussies?

Say "p*ssy" again.

I heart you, too.

Hey, not-lesbians.
It's 11:00.

Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

Do you have a radio?
Yeah.

Are you gonna be okay to
listen to this thing together?

I mean, I don't think
it's against the rules.

Okay.
Okay. Here.

Chances are,
most of you have been there.

It starts with
two people in love.

You make a lot of promises, tell each
other you're different from the rest,

the exception.

For a month or two,
the long, meandering

conversations feel
foreign and exciting.

A chance to get to know one
another in a more intimate level.

And then, slowly, so slowly
you might not even notice,

conversations are replaced by missed
calls and resentful voicemails.

And then finally,

the day comes when
the two of you admit

that you aren't,
in fact, the exception.

That being far away from
the person you love most

is difficult on the good days
and impossible on the bad ones.

Today, we're exploring
long-distance relationships

and talking with
a few New Yorkers

who are currently navigating
these treacherous waters.

I'm Maury Kind,
encouraging you to take

a break from life
and join us, won't you?

Can you tell us some
of your favorite stories?

Oh, man.

Well, I think my
favorite is one of the first.

This insane girl,
like, actually insane,

the kind of person who belongs in a
psychiatric hospital not a prison,

but that's a whole
other discussion.

She decides that Piper
is going to be her wife.

She followed her around for days.
Wrote her this horrible poem.

Do things like that concern
you in terms of Piper's safety?

Of course.
Yeah, of course. Absolutely.

I know she can handle herself,

but when you're dealing
with unstable women,

you have no idea what they're
actually capable of.

I mean, when your fiancee says
that she sleeps with one eye open

because her
roommate is rumored to be

a m*rder*r and might
shiv her in her sleep,

it's impossible
not to be scared.

And I don't want to imply that
they're all crazy and dangerous.

There's one girl who
should've been a track star.

She was actually gonna start training
again while she was in there,

but they shut the track down
because of budget cuts.

There's the girl who has been
planning her wedding for months,

just like everything is normal.

Oh, but she is also sleeping
with the hot, lesbian junkie.

How's that for a prison cliche?

I mean, the cast of
characters goes on and on.

There is the Russian woman who runs
the kitchen, totally terrifying,

but she takes so much pride
in feeding everyone.

You really have
to admire the way

these women find
meaning in their days.

How they take
care of each other.

I'd like to
talk about the idea

of female prison tropes,
if we could.

It certainly seems
that sexual abuse

and r*pe are very real threats.

And then, of course,
there's the consensual sex.

Did you and Piper make any
agreements before she left?

Agreements?

Well, pardon the pun, were any "get
out of jail free" cards handed out?

No. I'm very
committed to the relationship.

How about for her?

No.

No, we never
discussed any agreements.

Which was probably naive of us.

You know,
it's funny, whenever we

talked about
cheating in an abstract way,

I always said I wouldn't
care if she had sex

with someone else,
if it's just sex.

But suppose, theoretically,

that someone she loved
was in there with her.

Someone she had history with.

Someone who could understand
her life in there

in a way that I'll
never be able to.

It would be
devastating to think that

that person could give her
something that I can't.

It would be way
worse than just sex.

It would be...

It would be a betrayal.

He knows.

It's not phone
hours yet, Chapman.

This is an emergency.

Go eat lunch. You can deal with
your emergency in a few minutes,

just like everyone else.

Nice radio play.

Oh, my God.

He used a condom.

Do you have it?

No. He took it with him.

We went over this.

I know, but...

I couldn't do
anything about it. I...

Well, you're just
gonna have to do it again.

Better hope you were good
enough for him to want more.

Oh, f*ck!

I am so, so, so sorry.

I had no idea that
he was gonna say those things.

Is that what you think of me?

An inmate from Litchfield Federal
Prison is attempting to contact you.

To accept the call,
please press one.

So what did you think?

How did you know?

Know what, Piper?

I know that you know.

I want to hear you say it.
Tell me you had sex with her.

Please don't do this.

Are you still
having sex with her?

Yes.

Your counselor called me.

Freely, Healy, told me he was
concerned about your behavior.

He told me that you
had to spend some time

in the SHU for
lesbian activity.

So was this your revenge?
Trying to get me k*lled?

Wait, wait, so, so, you're
the victim in all of this?

They're just people, Larry.

They're just women who are
trying to do their best.

And you made them
sound like they were...

Criminals?

Jesus!

Who are you?

Who... I can't believe... You're
the one asking me that right now?

I can't believe that...
No, actually,

actually,
actually, of course, I can.

I totally can,
because, because God forbid

I would get to dictate
the conversation, ever!

There hasn't been any
conversation to dictate, Larry.

You haven't picked up the
phone in over a week!

Do you have any idea what it
has been like in here for me?

Do you have any idea
how lonely I've been?

Lonely? Lonely, really?
You've been lonely, huh?

That's... Okay,
that's interesting, because,

you know,
I just assumed you were okay,

because you have Alex now.

Do you love her?

No, that's...
It's difficult.

Do you love her?

Yes.

She named you, you know?

She's the whole f*cking reason
you're in there.

How does it feel
to be in love with

the woman who ruined our lives?

You lied to me?

Guess that makes us
perfect for each other.

I didn't mean for
any of this to happen.

I think I need some time.

What does that mean?

I don't know.
I just... I need...

I need some time, okay? I
need some time away from you.

You have to let me fix this.

I don't know if you can.