It's not gonna work. It's definitely gonna work.
It won't. I'm telling you,i saw it on tv. It works.
Only in cartoons. No, I sawreal people do it--
Laurel and hardy,abbott and costello,
The three stooges...shh, shh, shh. Here he comes.
Hey, g*ng.
The andy-manis in the hizzy.
Hey, there's cakein the kitchen.
On my way.
Hey! Aah!
You're right.it works. I told you.
Is there milk in there, too?
♪♪♪
Invisible.
Kyle, where'd you go?
What are you doing?
(Coughing) tricking him.
Mommy, gracie's choking.
No, sweetie, she's fine.she's tricking kyle.
So I'm not invisible?
Who said that?
Mommy, my tummy hurts.can I stay home today?
Really? Honey, didn'tyour tummy hurt yesterday?
(Coughing) he's faking.
All right, girls.
Why don't you you go getyour stuff ready for school?
Come here,my sweet baby boy.
I bet I canmake you feel better.
Come on. Oh.there, is that better? Mm.
Now who'smommy's little mousy? (Squeaks)
That's right. Oh.
Where's mommy'slittle kitty cat?
(Meows)
Oh! Eskimo kisses!
Butterfly kisses!
That's it! That's it.stop that.
Stop that right now.
What?
What? He--he just wentfrom a mouse to a kitty
To a butterfly.
Jim, we're hugging.there's nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with hugging? No.
What are we raising here,a man or a mouse? (Squeaks)
(Groans)
Jim, did it everoccur to you
That maybe if your motherhad hugged you more,
You wouldn't haveturned out this way?
My mother hugged me plenty,
Especially when she wasbeing dragged to the cop car.
Oh, honey, is that makingyour tummy feel better? Yeah?
Tummy? He hada tummy ache yesterday.
What's going on?
You got a problemat school?
Invisible.
Uh-huh.what's going on, kyle?
It's mike murphy, a third graderwho keeps punching me.
(Gasps) oh,my little baby boy--
Unhand that boy. What?!
Go. Go get your stuffready for school. Go on.
Can you see? What?
Can you see howyour affection and hugging
Is twistingthat little man?
Little man? He's .
Cheryl,he's getting punched.
Why? Because mike murphydoesn't see a little man--
He's sees a littlesqueaky mouse-kitty.
Oh, fine. Fine.i'll call his teacher.
She can help himand this other little boy
Practicetheir conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution?
Oh, that's fantastic!
And then we can invitethe bully over
For some tea and cookiesthat you and kyle baked,
While you are hugging him and hewas giving you butterfly kisses!
You know,he is a really good baker.
That's it! That's it.i'm taking him.
Taking him where? I am claiming him.
You've had the boyfor six years,
And it's a complete fiasco.
What? Well, ch--cheryl--
You guys fighting?
Yes. No.
Great. No need to start over.just continue where you are.
Let's get it on.
No, no. No, no.
No, there's no fight here.no fight here, baby,
Because I am invoking
The special powers clauseof the fatherhood act now.
I was led to believe
That special powersdidn't kick in until puberty.
I know mine did.
There is an exceptionto the rule--
If there isan act of aggression
On an internationally recognizedplayground.
I invoke!
Revoked! You can't revoke!
I just invoked.i have a witness. See?
No, no, no, no, no.i just need some cream.
Jim, if kyle is having a problemwith a bully,
He needs to use his words. Yeah, cheryl--
That's the school's rule,and it's our rule.
Cheryl, words don't sting likea good punch in the nose.
Au contraire.
My bruiseshave long healed,
But "lard-ass" rings in my earsto this very day.
I was nothing but niceto those boys.
All right, kids.come on, come on. Let's go.
We don't wanna be late.
Jim, I'm serious.
Do not teach my sweet baby boyhow to fight.
Cheryl, i--you know what?
I would take thisinto consideration,
But right now we're underthe special powers act.
My hands are tied. Oh, jim.
No, leave the boy to me!you can have him.
Oh.
Kyle. Kyle. Kyle. Kyle. Kyle.kid, come here.
Hey, show meyour best punch.
Woman, what have you doneto my boy?!
Kyle, that's not a punch.that--that's a high five.
Give me a little bitof a punch.
That's very good.do it again.
Okay. That is very good.
Now, if mike murphy punches you,i want you to punch him back.
Okay? All right?
So remember,if he punches you?
I punch back!
That's very good.if he punches you? I punch back!
That's it.if he punches you? I punch back!
That's it. Come on. Oh, boy. Nothing like a hugto heal the pain.
That wife of yours, jim,is a saint.
Oh!
(Grunts)
Kyle, that wasreally good form,
But if you're gonna doa nut punch,
You gotta say"sneak att*ck.&Quot;
(Jim) okay.
Come here. Come here.all right.
Which one's mike?
Over therewith the yellow backpack--
Cool. Be cool.be cool!
He's a big one.
All right. Don't you worry aboutit, 'cause you're a tough one.
No if he hits you,remember? I punch back!
(Grunts) boy, you're so strong.what a good punch.
(Chuckles) all right, son.
Mike! Hey! Wait! Wait!wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!oh, hey!
Hey, what are you doing?come on. Come here. Come here.
Kyle! Did I just see youpunch mike?
Punch? That wasn't a punch.that wasn't a punch at all.
That was...they were playing, uh, tag.
(Chuckles) mike, you're it.
Well, okay.
Great.
Oh! (Groans)
Okay.
That was a punch.
Hey, thanks for letting usborrow your truck. Oh, my god.
You should see the cribwe just got. It is darling!
Oh, there's this family of bearsdancing with ducks,
And rightin the center is a-- is a guy with a truckwho doesn't give a crap?
Good one, man. Like we evencare about stuff like that.
I told you it was adorable. It's darling.
All right, honey.we'll see you at home. Hey, will you help mepick out a rug?
Oh, is earl grey a delighton a rainy day?
Oh. (Giggles)
Earl grey's beer, right?'Cause I'm all dude.
Daddy, how longam I suspended for?
A week.
Does suspended meani have to live in a drawer?
When your mommy's here, yes,that's exactly what it means.
Here's lunch.
Vroom. Hey, you're not beepin'parking there, you beep beep!
Morning, jim.
Don't morningbeepin' me, andy.
Get your beepin' beep up thosestairs and get to beepin' work!
Andy!
What the beepare you doin'?
Just finish the model,will you?
Whee! Whee!
Are you gonnahide him here all week?
I have no choice. I invokedthe special powers act.
If she finds outhe's suspended,
She can declare a state ofemergency and take the boy back.
(Under breath)you guys are nuts.
What?
I said...i like big butts.
I said it under my breath'cause of the boy.
Come on, jim. You and I liketo get salty sometimes.
Listen, I can't do it,all right?
I mean, I ripped the boyfrom his mother's bosom.
See? Right there.
Before you would've said"boobs," "tatas,"
&Quot;juggety jugs," "balloons,""bazongas"--
You know,the adult stuff.
Can I top you off,uncle andy?
Huh. I guessi could use a warm-up.
This is exactlywhat I'm talking about now.
Stop playing waitress.
Refill daddy's cup,and then it's the last time.
Jim, why doesn'the just tell the principal
That mike murphyhit him first?
No, andy, no.
I'm not gonna raise my boyto be a snitch.
Gonna teach him thata man handles his own problems
In this world.
Every time you have a problem,you don't go crying
And running to the teacheror the principal.
Actually, you know what? There'sno crying at all for men.
You cry at the cubs gamesall the time.
That's a little different.that's more like manly sorrow.
What he's saying, kyle, is youcan't cry over stupid stuff,
Like sad movies.
What about the moviewhere the bears player dies?
&Quot;brian's song"?
Son, that's--that's not a movie. That's...
That's a portrait ofa true american hero
Is what that is.
&Quot;i love brian piccolo.&Quot;
(Both) "and I want youto love him, too.&Quot;
Oh, god, jim.here they come.
You see, son, it's like this--a man has gotta be brave.
A man has gotto be fearless-- here comes cheryl!
Hide! Hide from your mommy!no, not that drawer!
Not that drawer.over here! Over here! (Cheryl) jim?
Jim!
Come here, come here,come here,
Come here, come here,come here.
The mother-to-be has to drinkevery three and a half minutes.
Have a bottle of wateror something?
Sure, I'll haveour water steward bring you
A bottle ofour finest lake michigan.
(Chuckles) actually,the sprinklers start up
In about five minutes,
Or is that not good enoughfor you, princess?
Princess?what's your problem, lard-ass?
I'm nothingbut nice to you!
Pick outyour own damn rug!
You know what?i-i promised dana I'd give her
The old curtains from the girls'room, and that box is perfect.
Can I take that? This box?
Yeah. Sure. Why not?
I mean,it's a fantastic box. I know.
You know what? It's probably ourfinest box in the whole office. Oh.
Uh, I'll bring it homefor you. Oh, honey, that's silly.
I'm going there now.i can carry it. Of course you can carry it.why couldn't you carry it?
It's not that big of a box.
I mean, andy, can you seeany reason why
She couldn't take this boxhome with her right now?
I-i don't see a problem.
Can you thinka little harder?
(Knocks)
I love you.
I love you so much.
Oh, for--what's going on?
What? What?
Are you guys lookingat that internet p*rn?
Yes, cheryl,that's it.
Oh, jim. You caught us.
Listen, you know what?
It's a little embarrassingbecause andy...
Andy had some questions.
So I thought maybeby showing him some p*rn,
He would understandthe answers. Yeah, I told you.
They have all sorts of pamphletsfor that at church.
I know, but that is so clinicaland technical.
I thought andy could usethe romance of the p*rn.
That is ridiculous. Can I justtake that box so I can go home?
(Chuckles) this box? Yes.
Why didn't you say so?
Oh, god.you guys are nuts.
Ohh.
That was fun. If youbrought the box to school,
Maybe I can hidefrom mike murphy.
You still want to hide?
Haven't you learnedanything?
Uncle andylikes internet corn.
Well, in the old days,uncle andy used to
Hide his cornunder his mattress.
Hey, lou, how are ya? Good, jim. How you doin'?
Great. Good to see ya. Same here.
Whew. If anybody asks,
We're here to pick upyour books.
Have you seen mike?
Wait. Oh, yes.target acquired.
Where? You see him? No. Miss crawford.
Give me five minutes alonewith her,
And I'll square this thing. What?
I, uh, I just have toseduce her.
Clap your handslike I'm really busting a move.
Andy, for god sakes,there are children around here.
Girls like a guy who can dance.i'm going in.
(Scoffs) here's your lessonfor today, all right?
Don't turn outlike uncle andy.
Hey, mikey!
What's going on, man?
My name's murph. Is that so, mikey?
So you don't like itwhen I call ya... Mikey?
Does it make ya... Mad,mikey?
No, it's justnot my name.
Who are you?
I'm kyle's dad.
And, uh, it seems likeyou and I have a problem,
Because he's taking a rapfor something you started.
Kind of sounds like kyle's problem.
I don't think so,'cause as of right now
I am your problem.
And that'sthe kind of problem
You don't wanna have.
The kind of problemthat gets really... Mad.
I'm gonna walk home now.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.mikey, mikey, mikey, mikey.
Listen, I'll give youone chance
To come cleanwith the principal,
Or it's gonna get really...
Ugly.
You just spit a littleon my shirt.
Kyle, why can't you just talk tothis kid and make up with him?
You can learn somethingfrom him.
All he does is punch me.
That's 'cause you keep calling"time-out" during dodgeball.
I don't care what--there areno time-outs during dodgeball.
Mommy says there areif I say "pretty please.&Quot;
Yeah, it--it--it's his mother.
You know, uh,you know how women are.
Say no more.
Look, murph,
You seem like a tough kid,and you know what?
Tough guys--they don't letsomeone else take the rap
For something they started.
Tough guys own up to itand take the punishment.
Why don't you just tellthe principal I hit you first?
'Cause men don't snitch.right, dad?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Come on. Come on, huh?
You're feelingwhat I'm putting out.
These hips--they don't lie.
Okay. Okay. I gotta admityou do have some great moves.
So, um,what are you doing tonight?
All right. You know what?i don't need your pity.
No, i...
Please be a girl!
Turn yourself into a girl!
Don't listen to them!
Be a boy!
You can be a boy!
Just not like him!
(Whispering indistinctly)
What did he just say?!
Well, that's great.thank you. Jim! Yeah.
You're not gonna believe it. What's that?
Mike murphy confessed.
Kyle's suspensionhas been lifted!
Yes! I knew it! I knew it!
You know,that murph is a good kid. Yeah.
I know. He really is.say, jim...
When the helldid kyle get suspended?
Invisible.
Jim, you invokedspecial powers,
And kyle got suspendedfrom school.
I am this close to declaringa state of emergency,
And you knowwhat happens then?
You got a problem,and I'm that problem,
And that's not the kindof problem you want to have.
Cheryl, there is no emergency.
I got the suspension liftedby using words, cheryl--
Your precious little words.
I saw conflict,and I resolutioned it.
Are you happy?
No, I'm not happy.
Very few first gradersget suspended, jim.
There's kyleand that kid who smokes.
Oh, that was murph.
Yeah, he's a good guy.he's down to gum now.
I specifically asked younot to do this.
Cheryl.
A man has to teach a boyhow to defend himself.
Jim, I don't want my kidpunching his way through life
Like some drunken sailor.
I told you,it was one sip of beer,
And he didn't even like it.
When did he have beer?
I've got to writethis stuff down.
Cheryl, please. You gottatrust me here a little bit.
Oh, come on.
You gotta trust the factthat god gave a boy a father
To teach himhow to be a man.
But, jim, he's not a man.he's a baby.
No, he's a first grader.he's not a baby.
He is.he's my last baby.
(Clicks tongue)
Oh, cheryl, I get it.
(Scoffs) no, you don't.
When kyle grows up,
You won't have a babyto fuss over anymore
And then you don't know whatto do with yourself.
Crap!
(Sighs) you do get it.
I hate when you get it.
I mean, cheryl, you gottalook at it this way--
I mean, dana's gonna havea little baby soon.
Yeah, I guessi can hug that baby.
Yeah. And seriously,
What's the over/under on graciegetting pregnant? ?
(Chuckles) jim.
And you'll always have me.
I mean, I can sometimes...kinda...
Be a bit of a baby.
Sometimes?
Kinda?
A bit?
My mother never hugged me. (Laughs)
And that's why we're together,you know--
Because you love giving hugs,and I'm so... Huggable.
That's true.
You do knowi'm still gonna hug kyle?
Good. You should hug him.
Good.
Just don't hug him like a baby.hug him like a boy.
And I'll give him to yousometimes. Oh, thank you.
I mean, god gave a boya mother for some reason.
Guess what?
(Panting) I got a datewith miss crawford.
(Chuckles) what do I do?
Well, andy,let's go in the garage.
I got some cornin there for ya.