(Tv playing)
Oh!
All right, what's the deal, doc?
This is my third beer, and I haven't even had a sip.
You know, it's nothing, jim, really.
It's just, with the baby coming, I'm feeling a little...
You know--i'm totally freaking out, is what I'm...
Okay, okay. Just relax, doc.
Look, all you need to know is one thing--the swaddle.
The swaddle? Yeah, as soon as the baby starts crying,
You wrap 'em up real tight in their blanket,
And everything's fine. You know what?
I'd show you if I had a baby and something to wrap him in.
Hey, guys. Guess who just got back from the white sale?
With these sheets, I'm gonna sleep like a baby.
Ugh!
All right, the key is to restrain the little bugger...
Because they're gonna fight you.
Ow. Aah, stop it! I hate this.
Oh, I feel so safe.
That's amazing. Yeah, and if they start crying,
You just stick a bottle in their mouth.
Okay, hey, my feet just fell asleep, huh?
You gotta get me outta here, jim, i--
You're a natural, doc.
♪♪♪
What, children?
We're bored.
Well, I am very, very, very busy right now.
Hey, kids, when I was your age and I would get bored,
You know what I used to do?
I'd make my own friends...
Out of felt...
Or I'd take a sock-- yawn.
Okay, okay, okay. I'll tell you what.
We'll play hide and go seek, all right?
All right, you guys go hide, and I'll count to ...
Thousand. Oh.
Hey, everybody, it's mr. Pickles.
Hey, mr. Pickles, would you like to play hide-and-seek?
(High-pitched voice) oh, put a sock in it!
(Normal voice) sock, get it?
Mr. Pickles, you're a scamp.
I'm not being selfish. I'm trying to be professional.
I'm done talking to you about this.
Hi. We came here for an impartial opinion.
Cheryl, tell ryan he's an ass.
Oh, ryan, what did you do?
I agreed to deliver a baby, just like I do every day.
In africa, with me days away from having his child.
You're not due for five weeks. I'm gonna be back in two.
Well, ryan, she is your wife, and it is your first child.
He wouldn't even be considering this if it wasn't a celebrity.
A celebrity? Oh, my god, who?
It's anina harper. (Gasps) anina harper.
I love her. You know, she sings, she dances,
And she has a line of gluten-free pasta.
She also gets $ million a picture to take off her shirt.
(High-pitched voice) hotchie motchie!
And with all that money,
She does a lot of charity work in africa.
That's why she wants to have her baby in djibouti.
Uh, doc, I think that's physically impossible.
Oh. Look, jim, djibouti is a country in africa.
Yeah, sure it is. It's just north of dji-legs.
I don't want him to go there.
Doc, you should know better.
Women hate it when you head toward djibouti.
You know, this is a great opportunity for you, ryan.
It really is. You should pay attention.
I mean, delivering a celebrity's baby is gonna be great
For your practice. Yeah, but he's gonna miss the birth of his child.
What is the big deal, dana?
I mean, I missed the birth of my two children. Three.
Three. Look, a job came up.
It was very important for me to do it and earn a living.
That's what men do for their families--they earn a living.
See, babe, look. Your impartial audience is agreeing with me.
Ryan, why don't you just admit it?
Your job is more important than I am. That's not what I'm saying.
That's exactly what he's saying.
His job is more important than you are.
Jim, if this wasn't about a celebrity,
I'd be really upset with you right now.
Ryan's work is his higher purpose.
A woman should never stand
Between a man and his higher purpose. Okay, you know what, dana?
If you really don't want me to go, just give me the word.
Yeah, yeah, just let him walk away
From the biggest career opportunity of his life.
Because you know, dana,
Resentment is the very foundation
Of a healthy relationship.
All right, I'm--
If you're sure that you're gonna be back in time.
I'll be back. I guess you... You can go.
Mr. Pickles, who's in charge of djibouti?
(High-pitched voice) I think it's a shake...
Shake djibouti.
This is the third gift basket I've gotten
From anina in the last two weeks.
Oh. It's getting really hard to hate her.
"Dear dana..." She knows your name!
"Thank you for allowing your husband to join me in africa.
"Will call attention... Blah, blah, blah...
"Orphans... Blah, blah, blah...
"Human suffering"...
(Gasps) oh, my god, she sent pasta!
Hey. Hey, where are the kids?
Oh, we're playing hide-and-go-seek again.
Ugh. Wanna see if they're hiding at the cubs game.
Quick, turn on the news. Anina harper just had her baby.
Oh, my god! All right, all right.
I guess that makes djibouti about pounds heavier. Oh.
Oh, there's ryan. Turn it up, turn it up.
Uh, I'm happy to report
That everything went according to plan,
And mother and child are doing very well. (All cheer)
Before I go, I'd like to thank someone very special
For allowing me to make this trip.
I love you. I really do.
I love you, too, man.
I think he meant me.
Oh, the woman that wanted to squash his career?
I don't think so.
I'm the one who put mr. Pickles in his luggage
To make him smile.
He meant me. I'm his wife.
It doesn't matter. This is all happening because of me.
The booming business--me.
The international attention-- me.
The free pasta--me.
All me. Me!
(Man) we interrupt this program for breaking news.
Civil w*r has erupted in djibouti.
Why you looking at [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]me?
Oh, my god.
Oh, dana, honey, he's gonna be fine.
He's with a celebrity.
Apparently, actress anina harper and her baby
Were able to escape in a private plane
Before the fighting started... (All cheer)
But unfortunately, not all of ms. Harper's entourage escaped.
(All) oh...
However, her medical team was on the plane...
(All cheer) (jim) all right.
But not her obstetrician, dr. Ryan gibson.
Oh.
Hold on.
There's one more piece of news...
A second source now confirms
That dr. Gibson was definitely not on the plane.
Hey, hey!
Sorry, I lost track.
Hey, you guys.
We got a video e-mail message from ryan.
Oh.
Hey, I just wanna let you guys know that everything's fine.
We've got m*llitary protection, plenty of food and water,
And on thursdays they've got dung beetle races.
He better be careful.
That's an easy way to lose grand.
So don't worry, sweetie. I'm doing fine.
(Man speaks african language) guys, guys, guys!
I'm sort of in the middle of something here.
Look, I'll be at home as soon as I can, and I love you.
Oh, I love you, too, man.
He was talking to me!
Well, the important thing is he's fine,
And everything's gonna be all right.
No, everything is not gonna be all right.
I am eight and a half months pregnant,
And my husband is trapped in a w*r zone!
Dana, dana, I know you're very upset... Ugh!
And frankly, this is all my fault.
No, this is all your fault. What, what?
I told ryan to follow his higher purpose,
And things got screwed up,
And now it's my turn to step up and follow my higher purpose.
Jim, this is no time to go bowling.
No.
My higher purpose is taking care of this family,
And that includes you, too, dana,
'Cause you're practically family.
Family? Please. I once waited on the side of the road
For two hours for you, and you never came.
But you learned how to change a tire.
I gave you a gift. Ugh.
You know what, jim? This is serious.
Don't promise anything you're not gonna follow through on.
Hey, lookit. This is crunch time,
And when it's crunch time, I follow through.
Dana, while ryan is away,
I want you to move in here with us.
What's the catch? You gonna sell my baby?
No, no catch.
Wow. I'm impressed. I mean, this really isn't like you.
Cheryl, heroes aren't born. They're cornered.
Thank you, jim. I... I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
All you have to do is go home,
Pack up your pretty little things and haul them over here.
And maybe on the way over,
Pick up some dinner for the rest of us.
Hey, uh, stevie b's has fried chicken now. That's downtown.
All right, well, then you better hurry up,
'Cause it gets very dangerous after dark.
Hey, jim? Yeah.
Did you know there are almost , people
Living in djibouti?
Hey, look at this.
You know what djibouti's leading export is?
Natural gas.
All right, all right, all right. We know this is tough.
We're just trying to lighten it up a little bit.
Well, don't. It's not funny.
My husband's stuck in djibouti, and he can't get out.
Stop it!
There is a civil w*r going on.
Djibouti could be split down the middle.
(Both laughing)
All right, that one-- that one was a little funny.
Hey, jim, are you ready to go to the baby store?
Uh, no, I'll just stick around here
And build the crib for dana. I'll go.
Why would you wanna go to the baby store?
Hello, plus-sized hotties.
Andy, they're all pregnant.
Ha, my kind of ladies.
Can't get knocked up 'cause they already are. Oh.
Hey, thanks for sticking around.
Mm, mm, no problem.
No problem at all. Here.
I'm gonna give you this. (Bell jingles)
Oh! I want you to ring that bell when you need something,
And I'll come back in, and I'll give you whatever you need.
Oh, thank you.
All right, then.
(Bell jingles)
Yes?
Oh, I just wanted to see if you could hear it.
I can hear it. Okay.
Building a crib.
(Bell jingles)
I can still hear it.
Actually, I was kind of thirsty.
Would you mind getting me a soda?
Absolutely. Oh, thank you.
I can do that, young dana, absolutely.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Now is there anything else I can do for you
While I'm still here?
Nope, I'm good.
Okay.
(Bell jingles)
I thought you said you already had it! Aah!
What? What is it?!
I'm lonely... Oh.
And sad.
Well, you better pick one of 'em,
'Cause I can only deal with one at a time.
Okay, I'm sad.
My husband's gonna miss the birth of our child.
All right, you know, we don't know that.
You still have three weeks.
All right.
(Bell jingles)
Are you kidding me?!
This better be good! What is it?
My water just broke.
Hey, you are wrong. Maybe it's just a little mommy tinkle.
You're not having the baby for three more weeks.
Well, tell that to the baby, because he's coming... Now.
(Bell jingling)
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Jim!
Call cheryl!
(Bell jingling)
Cheryl! Cheryl! Cheryl!
On her cell phone!
Her cell phone! Her cell phone!
I'll call cheryl on her cell phone.
Ow! Whoa! So that's what a contraction feels like. Ugh!
Cheryl, cheryl, cheryl. (Cell phone rings)
Grab that. That might be her.
(Ring) hello?
Oh, cheryl, you gotta get back here right away.
Dana's having a baby!
I know. I'm dana.
(Spluttering) she forgot her cell phone?!
Okay. Okay. (Bell jingles)
Okay, okay, this is bad. This is bad.
This is really bad, bad, bad, bad!
All right, jim, jim. I need you to drive me to the hospital now.
I'm not gonna drive you to the hospital.
Yes, jim. Get the keys to your truck. I'm not gonna--
Now! All right, all right, all right, all right.
We'll take my truck, but you gotta sit in the back. What?
I got new floor mats.
I don't want your baby goo to get all over it.
Jim--all right, come on. All right.
All right. We're here.
Reception's right down the hall.
Pick you up, what, two or three hours?
Look, jim, obviously, you are the last person in the world
I wanna be with right now.
I'm the last person in the world? Yeah.
I would think the last person in the world
Would be a baby cannibal.
Yeah, would that be a cannibal that eats babies,
Or a newborn cannibal?
Dana, it doesn't matter. They're both higher on the list than me.
Aah! All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
Jim, I am in labor. I see that.
And you said anything I needed, you'd be there for me.
Well, guess what? No one else is here, and I need you.
(Panting) please.
Okay, fine. I'll stay.
Thank you. All right.
Can you get me a wheelchair?
Wheelchair? Yeah.
They charge extra for that.
Oh, no, no. I got a dolly in the back of the truck.
Get out. Come on.
Whew. Okay, let's move this thing along.
I got about an hour on the meter.
What do I do?
All right, hold my hand, feed me ice chips
And stay north of the mason-dixon line.
Trust me, the last thing I wanna do is see the land of cotton.
Aah!
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
Mrs. Gibson, I'm dr. Patel.
Everything is gonna be fine. We'll take good care of you.
Can I just say we're all very jealous of your husband?
This trip's gonna do amazing things for his career.
Thank you very much.
That's what I've been trying to tell her [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]the whole time!
Well, your cervix is fully dilated,
So as we say in the medical profession,
It's go time.
Okay, go time. So, time for me to go.
Wait, jim, you can't go.
(Sighs) well, you know what, dana?
I just realized I got a big job I'm bidding on tomorrow,
And I left the blueprints at the office,
And I gotta go pick 'em up, so I gotta go.
For god sakes, jim, I'm having a baby. I know that,
Because you've been yapping about it
For the last nine months. Now, dana, this is
Very important to my work, and work is my higher purpose.
I thought your higher purpose was taking care of your family.
I have several higher purposes, dana. I gotta go!
Hey!
(Grunts)
My god, you're scared.
I am... I am so not scared.
You're shaking worse than I am.
I am not!
Sir, you are shaking.
You keep your mind on her hoo-ha.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You didn't have to work when cheryl was in labor.
You were just too scared to be there.
(Splutters) i-i really was really scared.
You're damn right I was scared.
I mean, this whole thing freaks me out.
I mean, there's a person sh**ting outta you,
For crying out loud!
I gotta go, I gotta go-- jim--
I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go!
I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go!
B.p.'S falling. Oh...
We're not gonna make it to the o.r.
Oh, uh, you know, I don't wanna get in the way here,
So I'll just scooch by here for a second... Okay, let me get this off. Hold him down.
(Screams) we're gonna have to open him right here.
You're gonna open him?! You're gonna open him?
I gotta go. I gotta go, I gotta go!
Oh, my god. You came back.
Yes. Yes, I did.
Wow. At crunch time, you really do pull through.
Well, like I said,
Heroes aren't born. They're cornered.
Okay. So you're gonna stay here as long as I need you, right?
Well...
I'm never leaving this room,
Even if I have to sleep here tonight.
Holy crap on a cr*cker!
Does this baby have antlers?
Oh, my god, is that possible? Hey!
All right, all right, all right. Just breathe. (Groans)
Breathe. I am breathing.
I'm not talking to you.
Okay, look, jim, if cheryl did this three times by herself,
You and I can do this once together.
Thank you, dana. That really helps.
Okay, what do you need, honey?
What can I do for you? Okay, I need, um...
Oh, I want my music.
I made--i made a cd of soothing birth songs.
I would love to hear the carpenters right now.
Carpenters?
Yeah.
Oh--oh, you know what? I left it in the truck.
Truck? Yeah.
Okay.
♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ Every time ♪
♪ You are near? ♪
♪ Just like me... ♪
Tanner, as soon as your daddy gets back from africa,
We're gonna have a good laugh about this...
But not for a very long time.
Oh, he is so sweet. Can I hold him again? Yeah.
Oh, oh, ta-- oh, tanner.
I know. Look at you. You are just the cutest boy.
(Laughs) I'll tell you, I love him already.
Cheryl, "extra" is showing pictures of anina harper's baby.
Oh, my god. Take this thing. Take him, take him, take him. Oh...
Hey, sis. I know it's gotta be rough
With ryan being away and all,
And I just want you to know if there's anything you need--
Anything at all--
(Cheryl) anina's breast-feeding!
(Bell jingles)
Yes?
I'm kind of in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich...
And "time in a bottle" by jim croce.
How long is this nonsense gonna last?
Oh, you're right. Let's tell cheryl the real reason
You missed the birth of your kids.
Swiss or cheddar?
Cheddar. Oh, but first, tanner needs to be changed.
Glad to do it. Tanner, your new name is jack.
Jim, he needs a new diaper.
Again? Yes.
I just changed him yesterday.
All right, fine.
Come here, young lad. Look at you--so strong.
(Laughs) okay, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna change you,
Which gives us some time for some man talk, huh?
Yeah... Jack.
All right, first lesson is uncle jim is always right.
Second lesson is, there are no other lessons. Jim.
And when you hear that voice, ignore it.
That's what your uncle jim does.
Now sports.
The cubs, the bears, the bulls, the blackhawks.
Every eight years, the white sox.
Oh, and skating. The only skating you watch is hockey.
Music--the blues.
There is no such thing as a flute.
Don't yawn. This stuff's important.
My beautiful young boy, jack.
I'm gonna walk you outside,
And we're gonna take your diaper off...
In the yard...
'Cause it really stinks.