01x06 - Pillow Talk

[bunniefuu]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah Abra-cum-dabra! Ha! Ta-da! - Whoo! That was amazing.

- So good.

Yeah.

I really unloaded in you.

- I love you, too.

- All right! I'm gonna go wash my d*ck off before school.

Wait, Jay, can I talk to you about something? Ugh.

Okay, listen, for the last time I am not gonna take you apple picking.

No, it's not that.

I don't know how to say this, but - I'm late.

- Late? You're a pillow.

- You have nowhere to go.

- No, Jay.

I'm pregnant.

What?! Nice.

I mean, how would that even be possible? Come on, don't be naive, Jay.

I told you to use protection.

What? No, I thought you meant from stains! - I'm not ready to have a baby! - Well, you better get ready.

Oh, man! Oh, man! This is Boys, wash your dicks and get ready for school! - Okay, Mom! - Already on it, Ma! sh*t, I'm late to wash my d*ck.

Wow, that was not good.

My whole thing is like, he's bad at clarinet.

- True, but nobody else auditioned.

- He's wearing a hat.

I also like his hat.

He reminds me of a young Woody Allen playing a surprise gig at the Carlyle Hotel.

Woody Allen.

Ho-ho.

That guy is 85 pounds of pure sex.

Woody Allen was accused of molestation.

He says he didn't do it, but he did marry his stepdaughter.

It is both very complicated and very simple.

- I say we let Andrew in.

- God help us.

Andrew, welcome to Jazz Club.

And on a personal note, I like your fedora.

It evokes jazz's colorful past and funky future.

That was the exact vibe I was trying to summon.

Good banter.

Now tell her you want to wear her ass as a hat.

- Really? Should I? - No, no, don't do that.

I'm off my game.

The Woody Allen stuff really threw me.

That guy's a hero.

Not artistically, just personally speaking.

Remember that girl from camp I told you about, Roland? Oh, yeah, Roland.

I was picturing an older man named Roland.

Right.

No, I didn't kiss an older man at camp.

- The heart wants what it wants.

- Anyway, she texted me last night.

Quote, "Come into the city tomorrow.

- We should hang out and whatevs.

" - Ooh! - Do you know what "whatevs" means? - Short for whatever.

No, I think "whatevs" implies that she wants to make out.

Making out with a city girl.

Wow.

Andrew, we are going to New York.

Me? Or, I'm sorry, is there a fun person behind me? Like a dumb idiot, wears a fun shirt? No, you.

You're fun.

Oh, no, Nick.

No, no, thank you, but I am not fun.

- I have many virtues.

I'm loyal.

- Uh-huh.

- I have a huge puffy winter coat - The biggest.

But fun? No.

I think you should go by yourself.

But I want to go with my best friend.

And Andrew, I didn't want to play the jazz card, but what about jazz? Andrew, jazz is about taking risks.

It's the only way you get better.

- At jazz? - At life! Jazz is like life.

It goes on for longer than you think, and then as soon as you're like, "I get it," it ends.

Oh.

And the next thing you know You're a ghost in a backpack Did someone mention necrophil Oh, hey, Duke.

Hey, Maurice.

You got that seven dollars you owe me? I, uh Andrew, you gotta listen to the Duke.

There's literally hundreds of blonde Puerto Rican women in New York City.

Yum, yum.

- Come on, Andrew, adventure! - Jazz! Puerto Rican blondes with large hoop earrings that you can stick your d*ck through.

Excuse me, has anyone thought about our parents? You know, they can track our cell phones.

That's why we're giving our phones to Jessi.

Hey, Jessi, what if you went with Nick and I stayed safe and fine? I've got bat mitzvah stuff all afternoon.

But I do think this is good for you, Andrew.

- I am so scared.

- Well, embrace it, girl.

- I'm a boy.

- Get out of your comfort zone.

Yeah, conquer your fears and do what I want.

How do we even get out of class? Well, these notes from your parents were obviously forged Oh, my God.

in the fires of good parenting.

- Yeah.

- Your folks understand the value of an unsupervised field trip to Manhattan, which doesn't sound suspicious to me at all.

I feel guilty exploiting this man.

I think he's really genuinely happy to have any human contact.

You know, I'll actually be in the city myself later.

Maybe we should I don't know, hang out.

- You want to hang out with us? - In Manhattan? No, no, deep Queens.

I'll be at the Patrick Ewing Brewing Company.

- Uh - Casual dining, ambience up the wazoo.

Okay.

Well, maybe.

Great! Possible hang sitch? Cool, all right.

How do you guys hold a pen? Like a fork, right? All right, Nick, let's go to New York! - That hat is hilarious! - It's my jazz hat.

Oh, boy, you're sincerely wearing that hat.

I bought it with the money from when my grandfather d*ed.

- Oh, no.

How much money? - $199.

Ah, yes, a fair price for a marvelous hat.

- Morning sickness, huh? - Yeah.

- Thanks for staying home.

- Of course, of course.

So, have you thought about what you wanna do? - About what? - You know, like, pregnancy-wise.

- Are you suggesting ? - No, not at all.

- Unless you wanna - I'm keeping it.

Of course! I'm keeping it, too, 'cause that's what we're doing, keeping it.

This might be my only chance to have a baby.

- I mean, I am 40.

- What?! - I'm from your grandparents' house.

- Holy sh*t! - What's the big deal? - Wait, how old do you think I am? - You're 40, right? - Why would you think that?! Ohh, I'm f*ckin' 40.

Ooh! I'm a famous 40-year-old magician.

I drive a bright red Tesla I bought with all my 40-year-old money.

Yeah, I'm also 40.

I know your grandparents.

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm 40! - So, wait, how old are you? - I'm 13.

What?! You're too young to be a dad.

I know! That's why I secretly want you to get rid of it! Well, this is Roland's building.

Glad you got here safe.

I'm gonna go possess people on the street.

You tell PriceWaterhouse I will Goodbye, businessman.

See you tomorrow at White People Work Are you nervous to hang out with Roland? - What? Why would I be nervous? - She's a city kid.

They're so cool.

I mean, remember on Gilmore Girls Also, before we go in there, you know me.

I'm on record as loving the hat.

I'm wondering if Roland will like it.

Does that make sense? - Is my tone reading? - Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas.

- This is the city where jazz flourished.

- Uh-huh.

- I am wearing a jazz hat.

- Right, but - I look like a jazz musician.

- Uh, sure.

- I'm not gonna embarrass you.

- Oh, good.

- Do you think they'll have Ezekiel bread? - What? Ezekiel bread.

It's an ancient grain bread.

I'd like to eat some soon so I can take my vitamin for dandruff.

I'll explain it all to Roland.

Hello? Roland? - Hi, Nick.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hi, I'm Andrew Glouberman.

Bridgeton Middle, first clarinet.

Look at you! You're fun to me.

You're the big joke.

- Thank you? - This hat.

It's like the mall but it's on your head.

Well, I'll have you know I got it at the mall.

So, how do you two know Roland? Are you dating her? - Andrew.

- I only ask 'cause I know Nick likes her.

Or, I'm sorry, are you two dating each other? Like, as gays, or maybe you're just people? Andrew, please, shut the f*ck up.

Yes! Mr.

Boring, you are my next art installation.

I don't mean to be rude, but what are you exactly? Shush down.

I'm Mint.

He is avant-garde artist.

I once put a question mark after every sentence in the Bible.

I hate my parents.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Is that a picture of you with Max Greenfield from New Girl? Schmidt, yeah.

I guess we're, like, friends now.

I don't know.

- He's too clingy.

- Cool, cool, we're cool.

- So what are you doing in the city? - You texted me to come in.

- So you just like, came in? - No, I was coming in anyway.

I wanted to go to the Freedom Tower and pay my respects.

You're like this little country mouse, huh? - Coming in from Westchester.

- Uh Well, this city cat's gonna corrupt you.

Okay.

Nick Hi, Roland.

- Uh, hi? - Nick, they're snorting pills out there.

That's fine, Andrew, 'cause we're cool, too.

They saw me take my vitamin.

For dandruff, Roland.

I take a vitamin for dandruff.

They thought I was into pharmaceuticals.

Cool, Andrew, that's funny.

I'm gonna rat 'em out to the doorman.

I'm gonna rat out everyone.

- Andrew, you're panicking.

- Oh, the heli's here.

Of course, a helicopter.

Yeah.

It's the only way to go to Montauk.

Mint is doing an installation for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, - who's gonna be there, I guess.

- You know The Rock? He's so clingy.

- Nick, I'm not getting on a helicopter.

- What do you mean? We came to the city for an adventure, now we're gonna meet The Rock.

Right, and as tempting as that is, I can't fly.

I have an inner ear thing.

What about when your family flew to Europe? That was a lie.

We drove.

- To Europe? - To Clearwater, Florida.

Come on, Andrew.

I got so close with Roland just now.

I need this.

Andrew, Mint's dolphoodle's gonna sit on your lap, 'kay? Mint's dolpho-what now? Dolphoodle.

It's a cross between a dolphin and a poodle.

- Andrew, you know him.

- I promise you I don't.

Oh, dear God in heaven.

- Hi, boy.

- No, don't, my friend.

Kevin eats fingers.

He thinks they're baby corn.

- Who's Kevin? - The dolphoodle.

- You have amnesia, you know him.

- So, Nick, are you coming? I genuinely don't care, but just make a decision.

Look, I'm not getting on that helicopter.

The kid I'm with can't fly.

Is there any way we can meet you there? Yeah, sure, whatever.

It's Dwayne's place, it's on the beach.

Great.

We'll see you there, no problem.

Andrew, remember what I never told you, a scream can be music.

I will, Mint.

Oh, no, no, my hat! Oh, sh*t, no! Oh! It's gone.

I'll never forget the day I got that hat.

That'll be $199.

Um It's a chip, man.

You gotta stick it in.

- Yeah, it's not working.

- f*ck.

Let me see it.

Oh, f*ck me.

James? Tanisha! - Nick, we have to find my hat.

- We have to go to Montauk.

We're not going anywhere until we find my hat.

Fine, okay, we will find your jazz hat and then we will go to Montauk.

And at some point I actually am going to need that Ezekiel bread.

- Right, for your dandruff vitamin.

- Yeah, it's a twice daily.

Babe! Babe, unlock the door! What's going on in there? Are you okay? Jay, I felt it kick.

What? Who kicked you? I'll kick his ass! - No, the baby.

It's moving.

- What? So just to clarify, that means the aborsh is completely off the tabes? - Yeah, Jay.

- Okay, good, yeah, yeah.

'Cause technically you can do it up until the baby's crowning.

Stop quoting your dad's law commercials.

Come here and feel it.

- Whoa.

- Yeah.

Holy sh*t, babe, we created a life.

- We did.

- This might be my greatest magic trick.

- We did it together.

- It's like I'm the magician - and you're my trusted assistant.

- Maybe we're both the magician.

Pam, will you make me the happiest magician on Earth? Oh, Jay.

- No.

- What?! I will throw myself down the stairs and frame you for the m*rder! All right, it's clear what happened here.

The pillow, in a fit of rage, threw the sexy child magician down the stairs, he dies.

She took him down.

Goose down.

Have you seen my sunglasses? Are these your sunglasses? Whoa! The kid's magic.

Um, excuse me, have you seen this hat? Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen a lame jazz hat that's keeping me from my ultimate goal? Sweetie pie, have you tried looking inside your own butthole? - Pardon me? - Nick, it's me.

Duke? Did you know I've been inside 11 different people today? That ties my record from when I was alive.

Wow.

How those dicks hangin' You tiny cr*cker honkies? - You're drunk, Duke.

- No, you're Duke.

- Drunk.

- Duke, we lost my jazz hat.

Well, then, let's go and find it.

We can't just go running around the city.

- Of course you can.

- We could get lost.

That's nonsense.

You're never lost in New York City.

If you're lost in the Apple And can't get found Just hop the subway to Chinatown Oops, I guess we're Brooklyn bound But you're never lost in New York City In Williamsburg all the old-time Jews Have rented their buildings To hipster dudes With their waist-length beards And their buckled shoes Still you're never lost In New York City Over there.

In Little Odessa With the right tattoos Chances are you won't get sh*t And the vibe is shitty In Long Island City But it's one of old Duke's Favorite spots Flushing, Queens Is some messed-up jive Those mahjong ladies Will eat you alive There's poets and punks And hookers and creeps It's f*cked-up and beautiful And it never sleeps Yeah, it's weird and wonderful Gorgeous and gritty But you're never lost In New York City - Is he gonna be okay? - He's famously dead.

I'm not too worried about him.

We, on the other hand, are completely lost.

Oh, my God, look.

My jazz hat.

Come on.

Oh.

- Oh, my God.

- What is this? Two girls, one hat.

In flagrante de lesbo.

It's a whole scene, man.

- Oh, me, oh, my.

- That's Jessi's mom.

She saw us.

We're gonna be in oh so very much trouble.

Let's all disappear.

- Nick? - Oh, my God.

- Andrew? - Just to be clear, we didn't see you kissing a lady who's not your husband.

This is obviously very awkward.

- Is it? - It is.

- Look, I'm in the midst of something.

- Great.

I met this person who happens to be a woman.

- No judgment.

- And I've really connected with her.

- And truthfully Greg and I - Your husband.

haven't been happy in a really long time.

And, you know, he's checked out, I'm trying to check in.

- Does Jessi know? - No, and - I don't want her to know yet.

- I see.

But I also know I can't ask you to lie.

So you need to do what you think is right.

Oh, honey, your poor tummy.

I'm done.

Wait He speaks for both of us.

Wait a sec, why aren't you two in school? - Why are you kissing a lady? - Yeah.

- Maybe I should just walk away.

- Maybe we will, too.

Let's just be normal when we see you, Seder second night.

- Why won't you marry me? - Honey, you're still a child.

How would you even support us? I don't know.

I'll do whatever I have to do.

We're in this together, Pam.

I f*ckin' love you.

I love you, too, Jayvid Blaine.

- What'd you say? - Jayvid Blaine.

- Oh, yeah.

- Jay, put it in.

Okay.

Damn it.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

It's just It hasn't happened to me before.

Hold on.

I'm just gonna cram it in soft, hope it gets hard inside.

- You think I'm disgusting, don't you? - What? No, no, no! - Of course not.

- I'm huge! - No, you look beautiful.

- I'm bursting at my seams, Jay! No, you look gorgeous, are you kidding, babe? Honestly, I think I'm just worried about, you know, hurting the baby with my huge d*ck.

Don't worry about the baby.

The baby's fine.

I want you inside me.

- Yeah, say that again.

- I said I want you inside me.

- Mm, yeah! - Oh, now you're hard.

I'm hard as like, ice.

- Jay, put it in.

- Oh! I'm 40! - Yeah.

- My penis is next to the baby's head.

I'm rich! That was crazy.

Shannon is having an affair with a woman.

Poor Greg.

God, poor Jessi.

Kinda puts things into perspective, huh? Remember when your hat was important? Not that it isn't.

- The jazz hat is gone.

- Yeah.

- So let's just go home.

- To Montauk.

- What? - What? - You can't be serious.

- Andrew, I looked for your hat, so now we go to Montauk.

That was the deal.

Uh, no, I never explicitly agreed to go to Montauk.

- Oh, my God, you're such a weasel.

- Excuse me? Yeah, you're a scared weasel with a bad ear, dandruff, and the worst hat in America.

- What is with you and the hat? - It's embarrassing! It's embarrassing or I'm embarrassing? - Forget it, just forget it.

- No, no, I want to hear it.

- What do you want to hear? - You think you're cool and I'm a loser.

- Oh, please.

- Well, I've got news for you.

- You needed me.

- Oh, really? Yeah, because you were too afraid to go to the city alone.

Am I out of my mind here? We could be at The Rock's house, who you got a boner for, which I never bring up - because I'm such a nice guy.

- Look, why don't you go to Montauk.

I have 20 bucks, I'm gonna take a cab home.

Oh, sorry.

Kid, you made me drop my cocaine.

You're gonna have to pay for that.

Uh, well, I don't understand what's happening but I apologize.

You gotta pay me for the cocaine you just spilled.

Please tell me you're the ghost of Duke Ellington.

Duke who? f*ck you.

Gimme that.

- Oh, this is a mugging.

- No, you're being scammed.

Mugging is more like Gimme all your money, fucko! Here you go, sir.

Sir, you forgot your cocaines.

It's cocaine, Andrew, and it's not real.

Oh, man.

Sorry for farting.

I'm just so relaxed around you.

No, I like the smell of your farts.

- They turn me on.

- Cool.

Ooh, what is this, a delayed orgasm? Oh, yeah, baby, cum.

No, Jay, it's a contraction.

I'm going into labor.

Wait, wait, okay, where do we go, the hospital? A seamstress? Bed Bath & Beyond? I don't know.

- There's no time, it's coming! - What?! Already? How long is the gestation period of a human-pillow hybrid? This is so bad.

- We have no idea where we are.

- It's getting so late.

Our parents are probably freaking out right now.

I would've done so many things differently.

- I would've wiped better.

- What? It's not like I didn't wipe, but I should've wet the toilet paper and just really gotten in there.

You didn't wipe well? Roland had one of those stupid Japanese toilets - and I didn't know how it flushed.

- Oh, my God, we really are children.

That's what I've been telling you all day.

We're children.

We'll figure it out, okay? - What are we gonna do? - Why does that building have kneepads? Um, excuse me, we're looking for Steve.

He's a regular.

No, no Steve here.

Hey, boys, over here.

Over here.

For some reason everyone here calls me pendejo.

Oh, my God, Coach Steve, you're a bartender? Oh, you flatter me.

No, barback.

My job is to get the egg smell onto the water glasses.

- Coach Steve, we lied to you.

- There's no field trip.

- We were ditching school.

- And then we got robbed, and we have no idea how to get home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me get this straight.

You looked me dead in the eye and you lied to me? That's a very intimate act between friends.

- Can you help us get home? - Please? You come to me, your mentor - "Mentor" is a strong word.

- in your hour of need and you think I'm gonna turn you away? No chance.

Patrick, set my boys up with some of your Jamaican Me Crazy jerk chicken wings on the house.

Pendejo, man, you do not work here.

One more time and I'm calling the cops.

Oh, he'll do it.

We should go.

And stop rubbing those damn eggs on the glasses.

All right, Pat.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- I'll bring my own eggs.

- The hell you will.

Oh, God! Just breathe, babe, just breathe.

You're doing great.

- I can't do this! - Yes, you can.

I'm right here.

We're doing it together.

- You and me? - You and me, always you and me, Pam.

It's coming, I can see the tag.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, he's beautiful.

He looks just like you.

Does he? He kinda looks like my brother.

No, he doesn't look like Curt.

Why would you say Curt? - Just - You lying bitch.

- You f*cked my brother? - I thought we had an open relationship.

What would give you that impression? We have an open relationship.

Oh, yeah.

You can f*ck anybody you want, even my brothers.

Okay, yeah, I might have sent some mixed signals.

Oh, Jay, Curt meant nothing to me.

With him it was just sex.

But with you, it's magic.

You say such good stuff out of your mouth.

I f*cking love you so much.

I don't care if it's not my baby, I'm gonna raise him.

Oh, my God, you're amazing.

You're just so generous, and you have the best body in your grade.

- Come here.

Yeah.

- Really? - In front of Scorpion? - Is that his name? - I love it.

- f*ck yeah, it's his name and I love you.

I love you.

Mm.

- Baby, baby Be gentle.

- Oh, yeah.

I'm so sore.

But I want it so bad.

Oh, my God I'm 41! Today's my birthday! Holy stromboli, you guys had an adventure today, huh? It reminds me of that classic The Doors song "Riders on the Storm".

- You mind if I play it? - Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead, Coach Steve.

- Oh.

Oh, okay.

- What a day.

- God.

- I know.

Nice to be sitting in a car - Storm - Well, not this car, but in theory, yes.

- But we got through it, right? - Well, we got out of it.

- Born - Yeah.

I'm sorry about the hat.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry that I found you embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed by me all the time.

Ray Manzarek with the haunting keys, huh? And Andrew, those city kids, they're not cooler than you.

Oh, Nick, thank you.

But they are Storm I know, I thought that was the thing to say, you know? Hey, I've been thinking, and maybe we should tell Jessi - about her mom.

- I know.

It's gonna suck.

Hey, it stopped raining.

That was one hell of a Storm! I'm very disappointed in you, Nicholas.

But even more disappointed in myself, and there's gonna be consequences.

I'm taking away my credit card and giving it to you.

Here you go.

In case you ever get lost in the city again.

- And you wanted to be the bad cop.

- Yeah, that was my bad cop.

Honey, your punishment is six weeks, no Netflix.

- Six weeks? - Mm-hm.

You're gonna take away Netflix, Mom? This is so unfair! What am I gonna do without Netflix? What were you thinking? You could have been lured into an electronics store by a pushy Israeli and forced to buy a camera you don't want.

Worst of all, why would you go to Patrick Ewing's Brewing Company? That bum! All he did was take fadeaway jumpers and sweat profusely.

You should've gone to Kiki Vandeweghe's Tiki Hideaway.

That's a restaurant! Babe, I'm finished washing my d*ck if you're still psyched to blow me.

Babe? Babe? My darling Jay, by the time you read this I'll be gone.

- What?! - And I've taken Scorpion with me.

You shouldn't have to raise a child that isn't yours.

f*cking bitch.

And I bet you're calling me a f*cking bitch right now.

That's so you, telling it like it is.

I'll miss that.

But most of all I'll miss your great d*ck, your ripped abs, all of it.

You're the whole package.

Plus you're rich? What am I doing? You're a king.

No, no, I must go.

Goodbye, Jay.

I love you.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do? - Ooh.

Hello there.

- Put a rubber on, junior.

- I got athlete's foot all over me.

- Oh, I don't care one bit.

Ooh! You're already wet.

- Hey, guys.

- All right, here she comes.

- We're telling her.

- That her mom is cheating on her dad - With a lesbian woman.

Right.

- who is not her father.

So how was your big adventure in New York City? Anything crazy happen? Oh, um Do you want to tell her, Andrew, or ? No, I think you're better at opening your mouth and saying things.

- Why don't you do the telling? - Okay.

Well Jessi - What? - Um - Jessi - Guys, what is it? - Well - We saw There is someone out there cross-breeding dolphins with poodles.

- I'm not following.

- A dolphoodle! - Its name is Kevin.

- And he eats fingers - He thinks they're baby corn.

Yes.

- They're baby corn.

Eww.

People are sick.

I'm glad I didn't go with you.

Yeah, me too, 'cause we saw some things you wouldn't have wanted to see.

All right, well, hasta la vista.

I blacked out.

Did we tell her? - Jesus, Andrew, we blew it.

- I'm sorry, I couldn't do it.

- What couldn't you do? - Oh, nothing.

- What's your problem? - Whoo! My d*ck is on fire.

- Wanna know why? - No, I do not.

- I'm f*cking my bath mat.

- What?