Oh, what a great brunch. Mmm.
Emily, I gotta say,
You are the best girlfriend andy's ever had.
Oh. It's not a big field, but you are definitely out in front.
Are you saying that because I made you belgian waffles?
No, I'm saying that because you offered
To... Clean up afterwards?
Oh. (Laughs)
No, i-i-i mean it. Oh.
Don't be silly.
That's what kids are for. (Jim) aw.
Alvin, simon, theodore,
Show my girlfriend how we scrub dishes.
So you really like him? Yeah.
You know the man keeps emergency candy in his shoes?
Please, I showed her that at our first date.
(Giggles) I had a craving for caramel,
And there it was, warm and soft.
Mmm, just like my girl.
(Both laugh)
Except bits of sock aren't stuck to you. No.
Mwah. Mwah.
I'm gonna be honest.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
It's all right, son. You did your best.
All right, emily, you're up.
Oh. (Laughs)
No. I mean it.
Oh.
♪♪♪
And my friend nicole kept telling me
That I should try internet dating.
I-i just can't believe that it worked out. (Laughs)
Internet dating. Yeah.
Oh, 'cause I always thought that was for losers.
-Inch waist. Serious mother issues.
Picture of mr. Sulu by my bed.
Two kids. Scared of the dark.
Last seven husbands d*ed mysteriously.
Oh. You're both losers.
I thought it was just andy. Yeah.
Hey. (Door shuts)
How's the whale doing? I'm sitting right here.
I meant the pregnant whale upstairs.
(Loudly) whale?! How dare you? That's my wife!
She's enormous.
When she goes into labor,
We're gonna have to take her out the window like a piano.
I spent an hour last night rubbing her back
Before I realized it was her thigh.
Anyway, I brought her some magazines, so...
Oh, dana, I can bring those up to her.
She was sleeping earlier,
And I didn't get a chance to say hello. Oh, that's really sweet of you.
Yeah, that, and I want to take my picture next to her
So that I look thinner. (Laughs)
I hear that. I got a couple of wallets with her myself.
(Laughs) felt like I was years old again.
You know what, andy? I really like her. (Laughs)
I don't get it.
What is she getting out of this relationship?
Every woman's dream. Yeah. What?
A man who has unbridled passion and very little stamina.
(Laughs)
You know, jim's right. She's really great.
I'm gonna miss her. Oh, dana, don't remind me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you two talking about?
The -week curse. Yeah.
(Jim) what? All of andy's girlfriends dump him at six weeks.
You never noticed that? Well, you assume I pay attention to people besides myself.
Well, at least I have another week with her.
No, you don't. Today's the th.
No. Yeah.
Oh, god, no! Yeah.
You've only got until tonight. (Sighs)
You better savor every beautiful moment.
Yeah, and maybe try to get her to do it with me in public.
Cheryl has a craving for black licorice.
I told her that andy had some in his shoe,
But she said she ate it yesterday.
Oh, yeah, I snagged that for her.
(Sighs) it was red licorice,
But I think it was in there a little too long.
Anyway, I'm gonna run to the store for her. (Laughs)
Um, yeah, uh...
I...
(Voice breaks) I guess this is it.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
It... It is the time I'm going to the store.
Bye! (Breathes heavily)
(High-pitched voice) bye.
(Laughs)
(Normal voice) damn it!
She's not coming back! It's the curse, I tell ya!
Relax, andy. She's just going to the store.
Oh... Or mexico.
Andy, calm down, all right?
She--she left her coat. She's gonna come back.
A coat? A coat is nothing, jim.
You remember jennifer? I'm still driving her car.
Oh. (Laughs)
Oh, thankee. I forgot my coat.
Ohh!
Bye!
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!
Must be chilly down in mexico.
Oh, andy, don't be ridiculous.
There's no such thing as a -week curse. There is with andy.
All his relationships are great for five weeks,
But at six weeks, bam!
It's over, and he's crying on my couch,
Sucking on a lollipop he found in his shoe. I don't know what happens.
Well, is six weeks the first time
You take your shirt off?
No. No.
They just dump me for no reason at all.
No reason? Come on.
No reason, jim.
You remember that girl gloria?
Mm-hmm. Mmm. (Laughs)
Mmm. (Laughs)
I love your letterman's jacket.
What sport do you play?
Uh, nothing.
I'm on the committee that orders the jackets.
Oh. (Laughs)
(Laughs)
Oh, this has been the best six weeks of my life.
Oh, mine, too. Mm.
Gloria...
I want to ask you something.
(Sighs) would you...
(Inhales deeply)
Yes?
Go on a diet with me?
What?!
Well, i-i think we could both stand to lose a few.
Oh. You think I'm fat?
No, no, no, no, no.
You're just big-boned, like me.
Oh!
The next day we were supposed to weigh in together
At the student health center, but she never showed up.
To this day, I still don't know what happened.
What happened?
You called her fat!
You know, I remember that girl, gloria.
She really spiraled after she dated you,
And then she did get fat.
They called her "gloria feed me more-ia.&Quot;
See? See? Told ya.
It's not me. It's the curse!
Okay, okay. How about carmen, huh?
? St of april to mid-may?
Mm-hmm.
(Sighs)
Oh, andy, this has been the best six weeks of my life.
Oh, and it's only gonna get better tomorrow night
When we finally get to see
&Quot;star wars: episode i--the phantom menace.&Quot;
Oh, I can't wait.
I already marked it down in my calendar.
Oh, look.
A hello kitty datebook.
Don't you think it's cute?
No. I think it's stupid.
What are you saying?
That you're the biggest nerd on the planet.
Me? You're the one that's obsessed with "star wars.&Quot;
Which is the coolest movie ever!
You keep a toy lightsaber under your car seat.
That is for protection.
(Imitates lightsaber hum)
Prepare for light speed.
This date is over.
See? We had a little difference of opinion,
And the curse took over.
You called one girl fat, and another a nerd.
That's not a curse.
That's chronic dumb-ass!
Okay, okay.
All right. How--how--how about rhonda from last year?
How was that my fault?
Mm-hmm. Mmm.
Andy, this has been the best six weeks of my life.
Do you want to get away next weekend?
I know a little place in wisconsin.
We could canoe, hike, pick fresh berries.
Translation-- have nothing but sex.
Is that all you think about?
Sex, sex, sex?
What are you talking about?
I really care about you.
All you care about is getting me out of these pants.
Whore.
Blindsided again.
Totally out of the blue. No reason at all.
You're the curse, you idiot!
You're sabotaging your relationships.
Why would I do that? Well, maybe you're afraid
That they're gonna break up with you.
You know, 'cause you're a fat, nerdy sex maniac.
What are you reading into this?
Andy, you suffer from low self-esteem,
And you project traits
That you don't like about yourself onto others.
It's a preemptive strike against rejection.
Well, I had court-ordered therapy for six months.
Some of it stuck.
Like I'm gonna listen to a guy
Who wears g.i. Joe underoos to bed every night.
Oh, my god, that's me!
I do that. I'm projecting my underwear.
Okay, okay. Now you gotta help me.
What do I do?
Well, first of all, you know that wearing g.i. Joe underwear
Does not mean you're going commando.
All right, listen, now that we've figured out the problem,
Maybe we can fix it. Well, we gotta do it quick.
We're supposed to meet tonight, and I don't want to blow it.
Although I am getting pretty sick
Of her hairy man-boobs.
Oh, my god! I did it again!
I need help!
Hey, where's andy?
Oh, he's in the bathroom shaving his chest.
I hope he uses scissors first,
Because fur like that can get really stuck in a--
(Andy) aah! Stupid razor! I'm cursed, I tell ya!
All right, listen.
I think I've come up with a way to fix andy. Yeah?
You remember when I used hypnotherapy to quit smoking? Again, you're assuming
That I pay attention to people besides myself.
All right. Well, it really worked for me,
And I think I can put andy under. Oh, come on, dana,
You gotta be trained for that kind of stuff. Not really.
There's a certain suggestible, weak-minded kind of person
That you can hypnotize like that.
Andy?
Andy?
Oh, my god. He's got a brain of a leaf. Mm-hmm.
All right, we've got to boost his self-esteem
By installing positive messages into his subconscious. Okay.
But first, let's make him dance around
And cluck like a chicken. No, listen, all I care about
Is that he has a great girl like emily. Wow, that's unusually sweet of you.
And then we can fill up a pail of corn
And watch him eat it like a pig. Okay. (Laughs)
All right, andy, I want you to think about the first girl
Who dumped you at six weeks.
Jodi.
Who's jodi?
That is that girl that he dated
At that astronaut program for husky teens.
Fat space camp?
Yeah, andy begged to go.
(Lisping) "i want to spend the summer weightless.&Quot;
(Whispers) okay.
(Normal voice) andy, are you thinking about jodi right now?
Hi, jodi.
What?
God, you look super totally hot tonight. Whoa! I'm outta here.
Come on, jodi. Don't be a tease. After six weeks of space camp,
I need to get more than a base hit. Oh, I don't like where this is going, girl.
Jim, do you want to help andy or not?
I don't wanna get a booster rocket
Where it doesn't belong.
No. Listen, this could be a crucial clue.
No! Jodi.
Not, not! (Whispers) jodi.
Ugh. Fine!
(Grunts) go ahead. Squeeze 'em.
Keep your hand over the shirt.
Oh... Yes!
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Three, two, one, liftoff.
(Laughs)
Mmm.
No, wait.
Wait.
Jodi, before this goes any further,
I-i need to tell you something.
I love you.
Why are you laughing? I'm not laughing.
Why are all your friends here? What--
Oh, is this some kind of sick joke? (Jim) no.
Oh, god! Oh, god!
I'm the biggest loser at a camp full of fat space nerds!
Well, this is a dead end.
Ask him about another girlfriend. (Scoffs) jim, this is where it started.
We have to fix this.
Stop laughing!
Say something, jodi.
(Sobbing)
Andy--
(High-pitched voice) andy. Good.
Andy?
Hi, andy. Come on over here and talk to me.
Andy...
The reason all my friends are here
Is because I want them to hear
What I wanna say to you.
And that is I love you, too.
You do?
Yes.
Oh.
Andy, you are the greatest guy ever.
Any woman in the galaxy would be lucky to have you.
Oh. (Cries)
(Grunts) oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
(Normal voice) hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's enough. Oh, you're a big girl, aren't you?
Okay, all right, that's enough.
Come on, jodi. Let's do this. Okay, dana, uh, uh, now what?
Well, I'll just leave you two alone-- yeah?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dana, snap him out of it. Just see where it goes.
Jodi... I know where it's going! Snap him out of it!
All right, all right, all right. You feel that, jodi?
Get off me! One, two, three, snap out of it!
(Grunts) how do you feel?
Like a million bucks.
And unusually close to jim.
Hey, keep your eyes up here.
You know what? We fixed you. Well, you did somethin',
'Cause, uh, I feel great about myself. Aw.
That's great. Now there's no more -week curse,
And you don't have to worry about emily dumping you.
Emily dumping me? Please, I'm dumping her tonight.
(Both) what?
Yeah, I'm way too good for that thing. (Laughs)
Any woman in the galaxy would be lucky to have me.
(Grunts)
We've created a monster.
And I gave up second base for nothin'.
Andy, this has been the best six weeks of my life.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Whoo! Hey, doll face. Huh?
My name's andy, as in "sweet as candy.&Quot;
You ready for a sugar rush?
Huh?
Are you okay?
(Laughs) are you kiddin'?
Look at me. I'm fantastic. (Chuckles)
You just seem a little different tonight.
Ah, cool it.
Oh, I'm getting a vibe
From this four top of honeys over here.
Yo! You ladies work for the post office?
'Cause I need you to check out my package.
(Grunts)
Uh-oh, okay.
Nice little hard body making a beeline for the andyman--
Ooh, that's my sister.
Hi, jim. Hi, dana.
(Laughs)
What are you guys doing here?
(Gasps) oh, right. Uh...
What are we doing here? We were driving around,
And she had to go to the bathroom, so, uh-- oh, boy, do i, so, um...
Hey, can you come with me? Oh, i-i just went.
Um, I need you to go again. I'm pretty sure the well is dry.
(Laughs) okay, well, here's the thing.
I can only pee when I have company.
It's, um, it's the opposite of shy bladder.
It's chatty bladder. We'll be right back. Okay.
Oh, thank you, brother james,
For getting rid of that ball and chain. What?
This dog's got to hunt.
(Howls)
Ow-ow-ow-ow!
Andy! Mm?
The only reason you're acting cocky like this
Is because earlier today I told you that I love you.
Uh, it was the last day of space camp, and...
And it was magical.
(Laughs) hey, uh, uh, brother james... Yeah.
Do me a favor and hang around long enough
For me to drop the b*mb on emily. What?
You're much better with the boo-hoo than I am. (Groans)
You know what, uh, andy? I can't take this anymore.
I'm not gonna let you mess this up with emily. Aah.
Come here, come here, come here.
Ladies, ladies, can I have your attention, please?
Is there anybody in this room
That would even consider going out with this guy?
Raise your hand.
Uh-oh, look what time it is-- quarter till catfight.
Anyone? Come on. How about you,
Chick eating alone on the wrong side of ? No?
How about you, clearly married to a gay guy? Huh?
You want a piece of this? No? Anyone?
I didn't think so.
Wait. Seriously, nobody?
Okay, guys...
How many of you
Would like to spend some time with his date?
Wives, girlfriends, close your eyes.
Thank you. Enjoy your meal.
Sit down, andy.
Huh.
Andy, I think I've made my point.
You got a hell of a girl there in emily.
(Gasping)
Is this chicken?
Oh, god. Oh, god, jim.
She's gonna dump me. She's way too good for me.
Of course she's way too good for you, andy.
Just like cheryl's way too good for me.
But you know what? They don't know that.
Well, what if one day she comes home
And figures it out, jim? She ain't never gonna figure it out, andy.
You see, there's this terrific flaw
In women like cheryl and emily.
They love guys like us who aren't perfect.
Why?
I don't know why.
They... They want to fix us.
I mean, you know, they don't got jobs.
They gotta do somethin'.
Wait, wait. Really?
Yeah, but here's the really cool part of it.
We can't be fixed,
So they spend the rest of their lives trying
And we get to keep 'em forever.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That--that's crazy.
(Laughs) yeah. That's women.
Come on. Seriously, is this chicken?
I can't tell with the sauce on it. Um...
Thank you, emily.
You really chatted out every last drop. (Laughs)
Don't be so modest.
You--you really did most of the work. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Oh... Did somebody eat my veal?
Veal! Of course!
Well, we're gonna run off,
Uh, leave you two lovebirds alone.
Thanks, jodi-- I mean, jim.
That was weird. Yeah.
Everybody is acting very strange tonight.
Hmm, no, I haven't-- haven't noticed anything. Really?
Like--like what?
Well, you've been hitting on every woman in here tonight,
Including your sister, who,
And I can't believe I'm saying this,
Just made me watch her tinkle.
Yeah, um...
Emily, i-i--there's something I gotta tell you,
And this... This-- this is not easy for me.
(Sighs)
I love you.
Ha! (Laughing)
All right. That's it. I'm done with women.
Sir, may I buy you a drink?
Come on, buddy. No one's buying the beard, huh?
(Mouths words)
(Continues laughing) I'm so...
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, andy.
I don't mean to laugh. It's just that...
Oh, you're... You were acting so strange tonight
That I thought you were gonna break up with me.
Oh. (Laughs)
Oh. (Sighs)
I love you, too.
You do?
Yeah.
I mean, it's a little strange
That you keep a lightsaber in your car, but you know...
I'll get over it.
Yeah, it's for protection.
I get it.
Oh! (Laughs)
(Both) mmm. Mm-hmm.
(Deep voice) well, robin, our work is done here.
Yeah. Hey, would you like to go out and have a little dinner?
Actually, I already took the liberty of ordering.
(Sighs)
Does piggy want some corn? (Snorts)
Does piggy want some corn? Eat, piggy! Eat, eat!
Attaboy, piggy. (Grunts)
Is piggy still hungry?
Ohh!