05x18 - Timmy the Barbarian!/No Substitute for Crazy!

[bunniefuu]

♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky

♪ Always giving him commands

Bed, twerp!

♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

♪ Wands and wigs

♪ Floaty crowny things

♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

♪ Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice ♪

♪ Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake ♪

♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

Yeah, right.

Ah-ah-ah-choo!

Jorgen von strangle: aha! There you are.

Binky, my old friend.

I heard you were sick, so I made some of my world-famous

-Pound chicken soup.

Aah! My tiny fairy spine!

You are welcome. And now I am going to forcibly

Read you a bedtime story,

Whether you want it or not.

It is a story that will magically happen

As I read it, called, uh...uh...

"Timmy the barbarian."

Once upon a time, there was a human child named timmy turner,

Who--oh, this is so boring.

Hey, what the heck?

Oh, no. We're trapped in another jorgen von strangle bedtime story.

Is that bad?

Yes. The last one was called

"The wolf that ate cosmo a lot."

Jorgen: oh, blah, blah, blah. It is already boring.

Oh, let's just skip ahead.

Something important is taken from timmy.

Timmy: something important was taken from me.

What do I do? What do I do?

Jorgen: he is too puny to get it back himself.

I'm too puny to get it back.

What do I do? What do I do?

Jorgen: so he wishes the whole world was like this barbarian movie he saw,

Because barbarians get to take what they want, kick butt,

And never apologize.

Timmy: awesome!

I wish I was timmy the barbarian.

Jorgen: and this is where it gets good.

Timmy: uhhh!

I'm timmy the barbarian!

I take whatever I want, kick butt, and never apologize!

And I am your trusty whip-cracking sidekick nagulese!

And I am cosmodius, the scrawny, cowardly human pack mule.

Even though I'm the smallest and weakest,

I have to carry everything.

Move faster, dirty one!

And comb your hair. And nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.

Jorgen: and so timmy the barbarian,

Cosmodius the human pack mule--

No, wait. The mule-faced human pack mule...

Cosmodius: hating this.

Jorgen: and nagulese...

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.

Went in search of timmy's missing object,

The precious chalice of mome.

Cosmodius: what's a chalice?

Jorgen: but first cosmodius tripped on a bug.

Aah!

Ha ha! I love it! Let us read that again.

Cosmodius tripped on a bug.

Aah!

Stop that.

Jorgen: ok, let's see.

They travel, they travel,

They're roaming and traveling, blah, blah, blah,

Until finally they come upon...

Cosmodius: a bridge?

Timmy and jorgen: it's not just any bridge.

Jorgen: hey! That is my line.

It was the bridge guarded by francis the thundertroll.

Ok, ok, I get it. Let the story tell itself for a little while.

He lives under that tiny bridge?

Oh, I'm scared.

Thundertroll. Bring it on!

Pay my toll, or pay with your lives!

Aah!aah!

Ooh.

Go, timmy!

Rrruah!

Go, francis!

Aah!

Ooh! Aah!

Victory!

Ew.

You win by a nose.

Get it? A nose? Hee hee hee!

Now to get back the chalice.

Jorgen: ha ha. Alas, the troll did not have it.

Darn it. I can't believe

I crawled up a troll's nose

To not get a stupid chalice.

What's a chalice?

Oh, well. Too bad. Nice story. Time to go.

Not so fast.

Realizing francis did not have the chalice,

Timmy began his quest to find vicky,

The evil harpy on mount fluffybunny.

Wait. No, that's not right.

How about mount disco?

[Disco music playing]

No, no. That will never do.

Ooh! I've got it. Mount pain.

Our heroes and cosmodius...

Cosmodius: hey!

Jorgen: climbed the treacherous mountain

Until cosmo tripped over another bug.

Cosmodius: hating this!

Oh, I'll get him.

Can't you climb a simple mountain of pain?

Nag, nag, nag.

Nag! Nag!

Jorgen: finally they reached the harpy's nest.

Look at the size of these eggs.

All right! The easter bunny is coming.

Jorgen: as cosmodius closed his eyes and waited

For the easter bunny who would never come,

The harpy att*cked.

Twap!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aaah!

Ha ha ha ha!

Uh.

Ugh.

Uh!

You should work out more.

Nag, nag, nag.

Jorgen: ooh. It was a ferocious battle that he could not win.

What?

Jorgen: and then vicky crushed

The barbarian in her claw,

Destroying him forever!

Aah!

Binky: wait. What kind of bedtime story is that?

That's not a happy ending.

It is for me.

Oh, ok.

You got any s?

Nuh-uh.

Jorgen: now, where were we?

Oh, yes, yes. Right.

Aaah!

But rather than destroy him with her claws...

Aw.

Jorgen: don't blame me. It is binky.

Curse you, binky!

Jorgen: she chose to drop timmy the barbarian into...

Yeah? Yeah?

Jorgen: uh... The forbidden valley

Of the really pointy rocks!

Of pain!

Works for me!

But not for me.

Sorry about this, honey.

Why?

Whoa!

Wow. These rocks really are pointy.

Uh-huh. And painful.

Way to go, nagulese.

Now to get that chalice.

Jorgen: but unfortunately, vicky did not have the chalice either.

All: oh, come on.

Fine. Now what?

Jorgen: now let me see here.

The island of beautiful mermaids that all look like trixie tang.

Cool.

Jorgen: skipping that.timmy: what?

Timmy's long march through the forest of tasty candy canes.

No, we don't need that either.

Uh.

Which brings us to the fiery, the awful, the horribleness of

The cave of crocker!

Uh, the volcano lair of crocker--of pain!

I'll bet he has the chalice.

Jorgen: mm-hmm. He does.

Ha ha ha!

Jorgen: and so timmy, cosmodius, and nagulese...

And tie your sandals. And wash your face.

And straighten your canteen belt.

Jorgen: travel deep into the bowels of the volcano,

Uh, where, uh, they met, uh...

Aah!

The evil wizard crocker.

So, barbarian, you think you can defeat me

And get this chalice of mome?

Myself, I think you'll fail!

Aah!

Ow! This ends badly for the donkey man.

Jorgen: I like the way this guy thinks.

Aah! Your breath is terrible.

Is it too much to ask you to brush your teeth?

Nag, nag, nag.

Ha ha ha!

[Growling]

Your brawn is an equal match for my magic,

So I'll defeat you with your greatest enemy--

Learning!

Aah!

What's the capital of tibequador?

Uh, pittsburgh?

What is x ?

? Or more?

How many bushes in a peck?

Name the types of triangles.

Uh!

You've failed. Looks like you're going to be held back...

Forever!

On second thought, turner,

I am going to pass you...

Through my digestive tract!

Nagulese, quick, nag. Nag like you've never nagged before!

Mwah.

Crocker, stand up straight.

You're giving yourself a hunch.

And what are you doing with your ear?

Get that thing off your neck and put it back on your head

Where it belongs.

But--

Look me in the eye when you're talking to me.

Didn't your mother tell you to take off that hat?

You'll poke your eye out.

And when was the last time you trimmed your fingernails?

Never?

And would it k*ll you to clean up these skulls?

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.

Seriously, how do you put up with that?

I'm sorry. What is it?

Uhhh!

In retrospect, it may not have been worth it.

Happy mother's day, mom.

I made this at school.

Thanks, timmy. Why does it say "mome"?

That's your name-- mommy.

Wow. Learning really is his enemy.

Aw. Well, spelling aside,

It was a nice thought.

Jorgen: and they all lived happily ever after.

Aw.

[Snoring]

No, it's not just the flu.

Women: ♪ boom boom la la la la la ♪

♪ Boom boom la la la la la

♪ Boom boom la la la la la

♪ Bam bam bam bam bah

Well, children, school is almost over.

Let's see. I've destroyed your lives and your dreams.

Come on.

Humiliated you all in a specific and unique way...

Except you.

You have a voice that sounds like a can-opener

Opening cans of cat food.

It is true lu lu lu lu.

[Meow]

What am I missing?

Timmy, didn't he forget about the pop quiz?

Oh.

I don't know who said that, but you're right.

Pop quiz.

I've got to distract him for two minutes.

There's only one way to do that.

Thanks. Mr. Crocker. I'm gonna ace this.

What? The only way you can ace a pop quiz

Is with the help of fairy godparents!

I guarantee I'll get an "a."

What? A guarantee? Also the work of...

Fairy godparents!

I'm gonna pass that test like magic.

He's practically rubbing my face in the fact

That he has fairy godparents, fairy godparents,

Fairy godparents, fairy godpar--aah!

Who dug this well?

[Ring]

Finally.

[Cheering]

Timmy, you are my hero lu lu lu lu.

[Cats meow]

Timmy, have you met omar?

[School bell rings]

Good morning, students.

Mr. Crocker broke his baling hand when he fell out of the window

And into the new well yesterday,

So he won't be in today.

[Cheering]

Please welcome your substitute teacher,

Mrs. Sunshine.

All: ooh.

Keep her away from the window.

Hello, children.

I'm mrs. Sunshine.

What are these? Gigantic heavy fs?

Oh, not in my classroom.

Mr. Crocker: ooh! I'm still down here!

Children, in my class, as long as you try,

You will never fail.

You don't know who you're dealing with.

If anyone can fail, it's timmy turner!

Mrs. Sunshine: come on, elmer.

You can solve it.

I can't. I can't do it!

And for admitting that, you get a gold star.

Yee-ha. There's a new sheriff in town.

Howdy, howdy.

♪ Tra la la la la la

♪ Sunny, she's so bright and so ♪

♪ Sunny, it's just not even ♪

♪ Funny, how bright and sunny she is ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ Sunny

Ha!

♪ Bunny, can't compete with how ♪

♪ Sunny, bright and sunny she is ♪

♪ Tra la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la, she's so sunny ♪

Well, I hope you all had an educalala learnirific teachyalydocious day!

You bet!

Well, then, I bid you a fond farewell.

I will miss you all.

What?

There, there, omar.

I'm just the substitute.

If only there was a way someone could just--

Oh, I don't know, wave a magic wand

And magically make me your permanent teacher.

Oh, I wish.

Cosmo, wanda, make it so.

This is awesome.

My first day with mrs. Sunshine

As my permanent teacher.

Hi, timmy.

[Meowing]

I can't resist him, either.

Ha ha ha!

Mr. Crocker, you're the crossing guard now?

Yes. Since that female ball of sunshine took my job,

The school board no longer thinks I can be trusted

Molding young minds.

Aah! You call that a lane change?

"F!"

[School bell rings]

I can't wait to see the fun things

Mrs. Sunshine has in store for us.

All: good morning, mrs. Sunshine.

Aah! My ears are bleeding.

Do I get a gold star?

Children, as you know, I'm your permanent teacher now.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

No, not yay. I would like you all to call me

By my professional name...

[Thunder]

Ms. Doombringer.

Ha ha ha!

What was the name? I didn't catch it.

Hoo hoo ha ha ha!

[Kids screaming]

Guys, what's going on? I'm confused.

Me, too.

Yeah. Now she sounds superkillafragavicious angstagavadocious.

Wow. That's pretty good.

And now it is time for a pop quiz of my own.

Question number one--

Which one of you has a fairy godparent?

[Gasps]

Wait a minute. What is she, some sort of fairy hunter?

What was your first clue-- the severed wings

Or the detached crowns?

Or the big fairyhunter mobile out in the parking lot?

My little fairy-detecting stars have registered miniscule traces

Of fairy dust.

Fairy-detecting stars? So they weren't rewards?

No. They were snaratrappercatcharific cageaprisondocious.

Ok, now you're just showing off.

[Whistling]

No.

No.

No.

[School bell rings]

Fine, then. You're all excused.

Whew.

What, is every teacher in this school

Obsessed with fairies?

Except for you prime suspects.

Prime suspects?

You hang around these guys so much,

Some of our fairy dust must have rubbed off.

Your lockdown begins now.

Ha! Bars on the windows.

Locked doors. No problem.

Now we've got a problem.

One of you is harboring a fairy,

And this net will make sure it doesn't go anywhere.

Even if there were fairies--

And I'm not saying there are--

Cosmo: you go, girl.

How can you be sure there is one in this class?

Child, that's what I do.

I come to a school as a substitute,

And if all of a sudden I'm made permanent,

I know it was wished for by some dimwitted child

With a fairy godparent.

Ha ha ha! It's the oldest trick

In my fairy hunting book.

I am going to find that fairy

And rip its wings off with my bare hands,

And nothing will stop me.

Ha ha ha ha!

[School bell rings]

Oh, lunch. I can't hunt fairies on an empty stomach.

[Door opens]

Going somewhere?

Uh, we have to go to the bathroom.

Curse their tiny bladders.

Ok, we've got to plan our escape.

I've got an idea.

Actually, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Me, too.

Elmer, old buddy.

I need your help.

Uh, are you sure this will make me

Your third best friend?

Oh, sure. You're gonna zip right past sanjay

On the turnertastic friendship scale.

Get moving!

I smell magic.

I have you now! Ha ha ha!

It worked.

But what is she smelling?

Pencil shavings.

Magical pencil shavings.

Is it cold in here to you?

We've got to get out of here.

To the crocker cave!

All we have to do is get out through crocker's secret exit,

And then we can undo this wish.

Cosmo: it's damp in here.

Yes! We're safe!

Ms. Doombringer: so you're the one with the fairy.

You almost escaped me.

Next time pick a decoy who doesn't get his boil caught

In the revolving door.

Aah!

Cosmo: ah-choo!

What? A green pencil that sneezes?

And a pink pen that looks really annoyed with him?

Two? You have two fairies?

Hey, that's extra credit.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

Cosmo: ah-ah-ah-choo!

Sorry. It's really damp down here.

And my pants have been shaved off.

Aah!

They always run.

[Car horns honking]

I've got you now.

Nothing can stop me. Ha ha ha!

Oh, no. I'm trapped!

We're doomed!

What?

Turner, cross the street

If you wish to continue your existence!

Aah!

Ha!

Thought you'd steal my teaching job, eh?

What?

Aah!

I'll be back, turner-- someday!

But not someday soon.

Wow. Thanks, mr. Crocker.

But why did you save me?

Have you ever heard of the phrase,

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend"?

No.

Then you get an "f" tomorrow!

But today, you get this--a gold star.

Aah!

They always run.

After him!

Aah!

[School bell rings]

Boy, I sure am glad that's over.

I'll take the crazy idiot fairy hunter

Over the cold, ruthless, efficient one anytime.

Ok, children. Pop quiz.

No problem. For once, I'm ready.

What's that? Timmy turner--ready for a pop quiz?

That can only be the work of...

Fairy godparents.

Aaah!

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

This is a whole new level of pain.

Did mr. Crocker hurt himself again?

Oh, bring in the new substitute.

'Ello, children.

I'm hunting monsters.

What? There aren't any--

[Whistling]

You're gonna want to get out through the cave.