10x09 - Clark Laser/Married to the Mom

[bunniefuu]

[jazzy music]

- ♪ Timmy's still an average kid ♪

♪ That no one understands

♪ Chloe's his new neighbor

♪ And she's ruining all his plans ♪

- Ahh!

- ♪ All the wishes

♪ In the world

♪ So why should he care?

♪ Jorgen has reported there's a fairy shortage ♪

♪ So Timmy has to share

♪ His OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

- More than one? - This should be fun!

- ♪ OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

♪ Feather suit, nature boots, laser sh**ting, rescue ♪

- World peace, kale treats,

bunny feet, real neat!

- What? No! Leave me alone!

My fairies! Get your own!

- ♪ OddParents, fairly OddParents ♪

♪ Timmy, beware, you'll have to share ♪

♪ Your fairly OddParents

- Yeah, right!

[heroic theme]

♪♪

[upbeat music]

- Well, the school week's over and I'm just itching

to do something selfless and kind for a stranger!

- Maybe I'll share my nuts with a stranger!

- Oh dear.

- But not my almonds.

And I'm definitely keeping my pistachios.

And everyone better just keep their filthy hands

off my fancy cashews!

Don't even look at them!

- And resetting. Ooh!

Maybe we could save a troubled animal species!

- It's the weekend, Sally Saverson! Relax!

- Aah! Save the puppy!

[heavy metal music plays]

- This isn't even a real puppy.

It's Dark Laser's stupid toy dog, Flipsie!

- Oh, I hope Dark Laser isn't around.

He's dedicated his life to destroying Timmy!

- Well, a lot of people have.

Timmy's inspirational that way.

Stop staring at my nuts!

[electronic whirring]

[ominous music]

♪♪

- I will destroy you...

[all screaming]

- Is what I will say when I find

the fiends who nearly ran over my beloved Flipsie!

Oh, Flipsie!

Please be able to flip!

I don't want to have call you

Mister-Just- Lays-There-With-Dead-Eyes!

Also, that name would never fit on your doggie dish.

[sobs]

[barks]

Oh, he flipped!

It's a miracle!

[giggles]

Wow!

I was just gonna chill

with my best bros Foop and Mr. Crocker,

and possibly, but not necessarily

destroy you, Timmy,

when Flipsie suddenly flipped out of my spaceship!

That's the last time Daddy lets you ride

with your handsome little face out the window, Mister!

[laughs]

[snarling]

♪♪

[roars]

♪♪

- Um, Mr. Laser sir, may I ask what was that horrifying beast

with eight rows of teeth?

- Oh, that was a Depravulak, little blonde one.

The most vicious predator in the galaxy.

I was transporting it to a scary zoo on Carniveron .

You don't have a pig, do you?

- Uh, no. - Good!

'Cause that thing can eat a Christmas ham

in the blink of an eye.

- You're not going to destroy Timmy, are you?

- No, strange talking squirrel.

Timmy and the blonde one saved

the thing that is most dear to me, Flipsie!

According to the Cyborg Code of Honor,

I must now devote my life to protecting them

from all threats to their happiness.

- As long as you keep your grubby paws

off my fancy cashews, I don't care what you do.

- Wait! Whoa! Wait! So you're like our bodyguard?

Count me in, Dark Laser!

- Why don't you call me by my given name, Clark?

I changed it to "Dark" during my emo teen years.

I was quite the handful.

[chuckles]

- Timmy, do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life

guarded by a highly unstable man-machine

with plasma cannons for arms?

- Uh, yeah! Who wouldn't? Trust me!

This is gonna be awesome.

- Oh, Timmy!

If you want your allowance,

stop lollygagging with your terrifying metal friend

and mow the lawn!

- Uh, Clark? The lawn thing is a definite thr*at to my happiness.

- Terminating thr*at.

- [screams]

Here's your allowance!

And take these bars of gold I keep in my pockets,

both in case of an emergency

and because they make my thighs look muscular!

- Whoo hoo!

- I feel a sense of impending doom.

- Does it feel like the hot, sticky breath

of a space monster?

'Cause I'm feeling that.

[growls]

[upbeat music]

♪♪

[screaming]

- You seem tense, little blonde one.

- Do I?

Perhaps it's because people are scattering in sheer terror

at the very sight of us.

- You know, I like the scattering.

Makes me feel macho.

But if it bothers you, all we have to do

is give Dark Laser a little makeover.

Cosmo?

- Oh wow, I am too good!

Now I can't tell Timmy and Dark Laser apart.

- Honestly.

I don't think anyone else is going to have that problem.

- Timmy, I'm sorry for being a Wendy Whateverwart,

but there's no upside to having a homicidal cyborg

as my bodyguar--littering alert!

Hooligans are befouling the fragile ecosystem of our park!

- Terminating thr*at.

[all shriek]

- Take that, enemies of nature!

Booyah!

I have to admit, I enjoyed that immensely.

- Cosmo, do you smell Christmas ham?

- Oh, whenever possible.

Why?

[cell phone rings]

- Excuse me.

[both giggling]

- Throw the toilet paper!

Hey, bestie! Where you at?

You wanna help me and Foop TP Turner's house?

And maybe demolish it afterwards?

[laughing]

- Love to. But alas, I cannot.

Also, if you guys TP the house,

I will be forced to annihilate you both.

- Whoa! Mood swings much?

Did we say something to offend you?

I hope not. He has a Death Laser.

- It's not you. It's me.

I am duty-bound to protect Timmy

because he saved Flipsie's life,

and since you guys are a thr*at to Timmy, we--

Just say it, Laser.

We can no longer be bros. [sobbing]

- Yeah, I'm gonna skip right over the fact

that Flipsie was never alive to begin with and say...

that really stings, man!

- Don't make it harder than it already is, Denzel.

You and Foop just have to move on.

- If--if that's what you want.

- You know it isn't!

- Wait!

- I love you!

- Are you okay, Clark?

You look even more unstable than normal.

Which is alarming.

- All that matters is that, thanks to you and Timmy,

I still have my Flipsie!

Who's Daddy's little life partner?

[coos]

- All right, let's not spoil a great day with icky emotions.

Let's just celebrate

that thanks to the Cyborg Code of Honor

things are awesome for me and they're only going

to get better!

[both scream]

[snarling]

- [yelps]

Hey! Honey!

Call our insurance guy.

I think I just hit an invisible bear!

- It's been a fun day, but I'm having second thoughts

about this whole thing.

- Well that's because you're a Cindy Secondthoughts,

Wendy Worrywart!

- You have nothing to fear, little blonde one.

To assure your safety during feeding time,

or as you call it, night,

I will encase you in a nuclear force-field.

- Oh yeah! Check it!

You're in a crackling nuclear bubble.

What kid wouldn't want that?

Say it with me:

Everything is awesome!

[grunts]

- Uh, it's just not the same without him.

- Cosmo! Wanda! Where were you guys?

- We were chased away by a terrible thing

with ham breath!

- Ah! It could be anywhere.

Or everywhere.

- No need to fear, strange talking fish.

The Depravulak is nowhere nearby.

But if it does eventually catch you,

take solace in the fact that the end will be quick.

- Well, that's a relief. Wait, what?

- Sleep tight and don't let the Depravulaks bite.

Remember, they have eight rows of teeth.

[chuckles]

- Uh, wait a minute.

I thought you said the Depravulak

was nowhere nearb--Clark?

- [snores]

[chuckles] Flipsie.

[cell phone rings]

- What is it now, Kelly Callerson?

- I can't sleep, Timmy.

My bubble is buzzing

and I can't reach my juice box through the force-field.

Help.

- Everything is awesome!

[snores]

[rooster crows]

- [screams]

- [screams]

- The world is ending!

I'm late for school! For the first time ever!

I overslept! The bubble fried my alarm clock!

- No worries!

I can get you to school on time.

Even if you're already late.

Isn't that right, Flipsie?

[babbles]

♪♪

Hang on, kids.

In order to get to school on time,

we'll be traveling through a wormhole.

- Is that like a manhole for worms?

No, that's stupid.

- A wormhole is a distortion in space

that can reverse time

and get us to school before the bell,

or tear us into a gazillion pieces.

A risk I am willing to take.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

[both screaming]

♪♪

- Where are we?

I just saw a mosquito the size of a bus!

- We're at school.

Or the place where school will eventually be built.

We went just a touch too far back in time,

so class won't be starting for another . million years.

- What? - Whoa!

both: No!

- We can pass the time

by telling knock-knock jokes with Flipsie.

Knock knock.

Flipsie takes a little time to answer.

But relax, we have . million years.

[giggles]

[bright music]

- Ah!

So glad to be home!

Wilma! Chasmo!

I missed you so much! I really did!

Flipsie! Knock knock! What's the answer?

- Who's there? Answer me, Flipsie!

[frantic gibberish]

- The big mosquito ate a caveman!

Flipsie! There was a lot of blood.

It was really gross.

- You two need a sec? [both screaming]

- Yes. Chloe, I was so wrong

about the whole bodyguard thing!

I was Ricky Wrongface and you were Rita Righterson!

both: Whisper whisper.

- Clark, what would it take to end our arrangement?

If we did, in fact wish to end it, that is.

- Which we do!Flipsie!

Knock knock! Please end now!

- All you have to do is ask.

both: Whoo hoo!

- Consider it over!

Soon! Pronto! Now! Get out of here!

- Flipsie! We're free!

You two kids have my eternal thanks!

Now I must go while I can still resist

the urge to destroy you, Timmy Turner.

♪♪

- You did the right thing, Sport.

- But only after doing the wrong thing.

That's our Timmy.

[car tires squeal]

- Hey!

- BFFs, I missed you so bad!

- Hop in, bestie!

We have enough toilet paper

to TP the principal's house!

Grab a roll and let's roll!

- Wait a minute. What's that music?

- It's my favorite band, Prison Bus!

- We like to listen to it real loud

and drive recklessly through the streets of Dimmsdale!

[cackles] And hit small dogs!

[heavy metal music plays]

♪♪

- Uh-huh...

Hey BFFs, heh, maybe I'll just meet you

at the principal's place.

In the meantime, allow me to gift you

this Christmas ham I happen to be carrying. Hmm?

- Yay! I love un-refrigerated meat!

[all laughing]

♪♪

- I feel a sense of impending doom.

- I just feel hot, sticky breath on the back of my neck.

And I gotta say, I like it.

[snarls]

[both scream]

♪♪

[upbeat music]

♪♪

[school bell rings]

- Red alert!

According to my Crocker Cranky Meter,

Mr. Crocker's at Level Grumpy Old Man!

Oh no!

When Crocker's in a bad mood he blames everything on me.

- Timmy, you take Mr. Crocker's

delightfully dystopian world view way too personally.

He doesn't really blame you.

- It's time to play Wheel of Blame!

Where I spin the wheel

and blame the pathetic farce that is my life on Timmy Turner!

[all cheering]

My flat feet!

My podiatrist says it's genetic, but I blame Turner!

Detention!

- Timmy, I might have been a smidge wrong

about the blame thing.

- Mother, I'm a grown man.

I don't need my Mommy barging in on my place of business.

- I brought your lunch.

- Yippee!

Thank you, Mommy!

Kisses!

Gah! You didn't cut my pimento loaf sandwich

into the shape of a feral wolverine

the way I like it!

- I blame Timmy Turner.

- Oh, come on!

- Detention to infinity!

Thanks to you, I'm in no mood to teach today.

So I'm gonna to put on this video of paint drying.

[all groaning]

♪♪

You don't like it? Blame Turner!

Works for me.

- Ooh!

I love this movie.

The characters have so many layers!

- Layers of paint! Drying!

- Timmy, my internship at the cuckoo hospital

leads me to believe that Mr. Crocker

might be blaming you because he's unhappy.

- No kidding, Dr. Duh!

- He needs a heart-to-heart talk

with one Chloe Carmichael.

I'm like a gondolier guiding people

through the troubled waters of their lives.

Mr. Crocker, I know I'm just a student

and you might not feel entirely comfortable

sharing your feelings but--

- I'm so lonely!

I'm a middle-aged man with a hump, weird hair,

and an obsession with fairies and cat figurines

who lives with his mother.

Newsflash!

I'm not a chick magnet!

I'm too miserable to even blame Turner.

Which I blame on Turner!

- Good talk.

I don't want to be a gondolier anymore.

So I think if Mr. Crocker gets a girlfriend

he'd be happier and stop blaming you for everything.

-The only way we can get Mr. Crocker a girlfriend

is with a Taser and a net and I think that's illegal.

- Or, we could wish one up for him.

Cosmo, Wanda, it's time for Operation Build-A-Babe.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

- Okay, we have to make her attracted to Mr. Crocker.

But one small problem: she has eyes!

- What if we just give her really bad eyesight?

- It's gotta be really bad.

- Oops!

I hit the wrong button and "Paint Dry Two" is in Spanish.

Now I don't know what's happening!

- If we're going to create Mr. Crocker's dream girl,

they have to have things in common.

Hmm, what does he enjoy besides misery?

- Uh, well, cat figurines, baton twirling,

and telling really, really bad jokes.

- And if our cupid's arrow is going to hit a bull's-eye,

we can't forget the most important thing of all!

Mr. Crocker's girlfriend

should really, really, really, reeaallly like him!

- Oh boy, that's going to take a lot of power.

We're going to need our back-up batteries.

- Oh, and she catches flies with her tongue.

A little somethin' for me.

- Wait, what?

- Hiiiiiiiiiiii!!!

[laughs]

- [yelps]

- It's alive!

- Why did the chicken cross the road?

It could be for a variety of reasons.

[laughs]

- Wow, that's not even a joke.

We've created the most annoying woman on Earth.

She's perfect!

- You're going to like Mr. Crocker.

He's a bundle of fun!

- [Mr. Crocker weeps]

So lonely!

- Get ready to meet the man of your dreams.

- Human contact!

I'll get it!

Stop laughing, Mother!

It could be for me.

Turner, I blame-- you gotta be kidding me!

Hello!

- Mr. Crocker, I'd like you to meet my Aunt--

we forgot to give her a name.

- Hummanuh, hummanuh!

- Yes! How did you know?

Her name is Hummanuh Hummanuh.

But you can call her...Hummanuh?

Aunt Hummanuh, say hi to Mr. Crocker.

- No, that's a ficus.

And that's a jar that says, "Broken Dreams."

- Never mind that!

- This is Mr. Crocker.

- Hiiiiiiiii!

[laughs]

- I must be in heaven because I just heard

the voice of an angel.

- Wow, I heard the voice of a dying raccoon,

but hey, if it works for you.

- Care to join me in a love montage?

I blame you, Turner...

for finding the love of my life!

both: Yeah!

- ♪ Love, love, love

♪ Crocker's in love, love, love ♪

♪ Like a flock of brain-dead doves ♪

♪ Crocker's in love

♪ Love, love, love

♪ Crocker's in love, love, love ♪

♪ Whooooo

♪ They're in love

♪ Love, love

♪ Love, love

♪ Love, love, love, love

♪ Mr. Crocker's in love

♪ Love, love, love

♪ Yeah, they're in love

- It's a school night, Sport.

Shouldn't you be doing homework?

- Don't have to.

Ever since I set Mr. Crocker up with Hummanuh,

he's so happy he stopped blaming me for everything.

And he automatically gives me As!

- Oh, Timmy!

Who's the lady living here

with a voice like someone put a trumpet in a blender?

- Aunt Hummanuh.

Uh, your sister.

- I don't have a sister.

- Yes, you do. - Okay!

Hey, sis!

Noogies!

- Stop it!

I'm tellin'.

- Ow! Mom!

Hummanuh pinched me!

- Do I have to separate you two again?

- Dearest Hummanuh, I brought you a bouquet of batons.

I sprung for the full dozen.

And I never spring.

I'm not a springer!

- Okay, now why don't you two spring on out of here?

- Oh! They're beautiful.

Knock knock.

- Oh, I know how to play!

Who's there?

- I don't know.

You knocked.

Wait, I did.

Never mind.

[laughs]

- [laughs]

k*ller looks and k*ller punchlines!

I'm the luckiest man alive!

- Uh, a little room, people.

- ♪ Hummanuh and Crocker sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-P-P-I

Aaah!

I'm telling!

- You're my schmoopy, boopy, floopy,

doopy, moopy, poopy, zoopy.

- No, you're my schmoopy, boopy, floopy,

doopy, moopy, poopy, zoopy.

- No, you're my --

- Make it stop!

- Get used to it, Turner, because I'm never leaving

my schmoopy, boopy, floopy, doopy,

moopy, poopy, zoopy's side.

- My life's worse than when Mr. Crocker was blaming me.

- Oh Timmy, you just don't appreciate romance.

Love is a beautiful thing.

[Crocker and Hummanuh laugh maniacally]

Okay, that's nuts.

Make it stop!

- Cosmo, Wanda, I wish Aunt Hummanuh

would go away-a-nuh!

- Sorry Sport, but as weird as it is,

Mr. Crocker and Hummanuh are in love

and we're not allowed to unwish true love.

[Mr. Crocker and Hummanuh scream]

- Uh oh.

Something happened to schmoopy, boopy, floopy --

- I get it! Let's go!

- Turner!Chloe!

I'm as giddy as a teenage girl!

Hummanuh just proposed!

- Nice rock!

- Oh, we're going to spend the rest of our lives

in Mother's basement!

- I'm so happy for me, uh, you!

- Oh, I'm too classy to live in a basement.

I want our own place.

- Good idea.

I'll tell Mother to pack up

her collection of celebrity hair.

We're all moving to new digs!

- I'm not living with your mother.

- What? No Mommy?

- That's right.

You have to choose.

Me or your Mommy.

- Sweet, dear Hummanuh, I can't lose the love of my life.

The choice isobvious.

I pick Mommy!

- That's a good one.

- I'm not joking, Hummanuh.

You're great, but Mother and I share a history.

Sure, it's checkered and chronically unhealthy,

but it's ours!

It's been fun Hummanuh, but I'm done-a-nuh!

- I feel strange.

I've never been dumped before.

- Because she's only two days old.

- Hummanuh mad!

Hummanuh smash!

♪♪

[snarling]

♪♪

[all screaming]

- Mom!

Hummanuh broke the house!

- She's turned into a girl-zilla!

- Because she's been rejected by her true love.

It's so romantic!

- I inspire rage in women!

That's neat!

[screams]

Mommy!

♪♪

- Our plan better work

or it's back to the wheel of blame for me!

Oh, and Dimmsdale will be destroyed.

- The best way for Hummanuh to get over Mr. Crocker

is for us to wish up someone new.

- Ooh!

Especially if he's a hunkadoodledoo!

♪♪

- Aunt Hummanuh!

This is our friend...

We forgot to give him a name.

- Yowza!

- That's right! His name is Yowza.

♪♪

- [laughs]

- [grunts]

- [giggles]

♪♪

- [screams]

- Mommy's got you, Denzel.

♪♪

- Your training as a stunt pilot finally paid off.

- I know, I know.

You blame me.

- Yes, I do.

For helping me see that I already have

the woman of my dreams,

and her name is Mother!

A feral wolverine!

You remembered!

And a real wolverine.

Gah! Ah.

Mother.

- I love playing cupid.

- [Hummanuh laughs]

- Yowza.

- Mom!

[jazzy music]

♪♪

- Billionfold! - Inc.

- Frederator!