01x02 - Torschlusspanik

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Pitch Perfect: Bumper in Berlin". Aired: November 23, 2022 - present.*
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Spin-off television series following the Pitch Perfect films.
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01x02 - Torschlusspanik

Post by bunniefuu »

[BOAT HORN BLARES]

[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]

[DANCE BEAT]

B-U-M-P-E-R, Bumper.

Berlin to Atlanta, one-way.

Well, no, I don't have my

credit card information,

because I'm sitting in a dumpster.

You know what? Agent.

Agent.

Wow, press seven for English?

This really is a different country.

- Ah.

- Bumper, there you are.

- Okay, no.

- I was so frightened.

I haven't been this scared

since my mother read me

a normal German fairy tale as a child.

I don't remember inviting

you into my dumpster, Pieter.

There's not enough room in here.

Actually, there is.

Dumpsters here are way nicer and cleaner

than dumpsters in America.

Look, I know you're mad at me for lying.

- Mm-hmm.

- Please talk to me.

You're supposed to be

on stage in two minutes.

It's just Gisela, man.

"99 Luftballons" and "Take On Me"

are my someone else's song.

I was just so petrified

to get on stage by myself,

but I at least had a song to sing.

Listen to me.

It might seem easy to hide from failure,

but you thrive when

presented with a challenge.

I've never seen anyone

improvise like you.

This is no different than

an a cappella riff-off.

You are the front man, and

Heidi and I are behind you.

Yeah, I guess I did

kinda own in college.

- Yeah.

- You didn't know me in college,

but I was really cool in college.

Man, God, I was cool in college.

[GASPS] I know what you need.

[WILDLY VOCALIZING INTRO

TO "SWEET CHILD O' MINE"]

Okay, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Stop doing this!

Ugh, God.

She's got a smile

that it seems to me ♪

Reminds me of childhood memories ♪

Where everything was as

fresh as the bright blue sky ♪

- Sky ♪

- Sky ♪

Sky ♪

BOTH: Whoa, oh, sweet child ♪

[MUTED] Of mine ♪

[BOTH VOCALIZE INSTRUMENTAL]

Where do we go? ♪

- Okay, yes.

- Where do we go now? ♪

This seems important for them.

BOTH: Whoa, oh, oh,

oh, sweet child of mine ♪

[HARMONIZING NOTE]

Yes.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo!

That felt good.

That did. That felt good.

Go get 'em, sweet Bumper of mine.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[DRAMATICALLY SLOWED FOOTSTEPS CLANKING]

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]



[MIC FEEDBACK]

ALL: Oh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Whoo!

- [CLEARS THROAT]

- What's up, Berlin?

- [MIC FEEDBACK]

ALL: Oh!

[CROWD BOOS]

[WHISPERS] What would Bumper do?

- [CROWD BOOING]

- Boo!

[NORMAL VOICE] Sir, would you

mind repeating that, please?

Of course. Thank you

for asking so nicely.

Boo! Du bist scheisse!

[ALL BOOING]

[ECHOING] Du bist scheisse.

- Boo!

- [BEATBOXES]

[DEEPER] Boo! [ECHOING] Bist scheisse.

- Boo!

- [BEATBOXES]

Boo! Bist scheisse.

[VOCALIZES TAYLOR SWIFT'S

"MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE"]

Bist scheisse.

[A CAPPELLA OF "MESSAGE

IN A BOTTLE" LOOPS]

[CONTINUES LOOPING] Bist scheisse.

I know that you like me ♪

And it's kinda frightenin' ♪

Standing here waitin', waitin' ♪

And I became hypnotized ♪

By freckles and bright eyes ♪

- Tongue-tied ♪

- [CROWD CHEERS]

You could be the one that I love ♪

Scheiss-scheisse.

I could be the one that you dream of ♪

Scheiss-scheisse.

Message in a bottle is all I can do ♪

Standin' here hopin' it gets to you ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you!

[ACCORDION MUSIC]



Yeah! [LAUGHS]

Bumper, that was unreal!

God. Oh, did I just crush it?

- Yeah.

- I had a complete red-out up there.

That's when you black out when

you're singing Taylor Swift.

BOTH: Oh.

Look, I don't love

what happened yesterday,

but you got me out of my comfort zone

for the first time in a long time,

and it actually paid

off, so you might not be

such a bad manager after all.

[SIGHS]

- Thank you.

- Don't sweat it.

The past is the past.

That's why we call it the present.

Well, I overheard a reporter

say that they're going

to give you a great write-up

in the German version of "Variety,"

"Uniformity," so yay!

- [GAGS]

- [GAGS]

Oh, my Go

[BOTH GAG]

- [LAUGHS]

- Oh, man.

And honestly, thank you

for the advice last night.

Thea!

If it wasn't for you, I'd

be halfway home by now.

Oh, don't mention it.

Seriously, do not mention it,

the whole Karen Fraren thing.

- Don't.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Cool.

Hey, guys.

So have you changed your

mind about producing Bumper?

Well, your client can sing,

but can he also write new material?

He has the emotional depth

of a Cheesecake Factory.

Okay, well, that doesn't make any sense

'cause I've cried in so

many Cheesecake Factories.

The artists I connect with

don't just mimic other people's

emotions through covers.

Look, I wanna help

you. You're my brother.

But the road to Unity Day is hard,

even for the most seasoned performers,

let alone for this.

Goodbye.

Hey, uh, just hold on. Give me a second.

Okay, good. Please explain to her

that the Cheesecake Factory's amazing!

Thank God we have an

American on the team.

[FESTIVAL MUSIC]

[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]

Hello! Uh, Thea?

Hi, I'm Heidi. I'm Pieter's assistant.

Um, I am a huge fan of yours.

I really, really love

that one song you do

that goes pew-pew-pew

beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.

That song's, like, the story of my life.

Every young woman experiences

pew-pew-pew at some point.

Yeah. Hey, look.

Just wanna let you

know, I think you made

the right choice not

working with Bumper.

Um, thank you?

Yeah, I, uh, I think it's really savvy

to stay away from unfamiliar artists.

Don't wanna work with anyone that is

too fresh or too risky.

[LAUGHS AIRILY] Firstly,

I take many risks.

I will take any pill that

I will find on any floor.

Secondly,

I know what you're doing.

I know what I'm doing too.

I've spent time with Bumper now,

and I can tell you, there's a lot

bubbling under that surface.

He's not just any old TikTok star.

I mean, he is an old TikTok star,

but he has depth.

[TENDER MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

Okay.

I have Bjork coming in on Tuesday,

but Monday is free.

I'll give Bumper one day

to show me something

lyrics, a melody,

a bribe at least.

You know, you're refreshing.

Most people are too scared

of me to confront me.

Well, I'm not like most people.

[SQUELCHING]

[INTENSE POP MUSIC]



Wow, you look like a sexy yak.

Oh, Pieter, it must be so hard for you

to show your face in public.

It's so brave of you to be here.

Ugh, and, Bumper, I'm so sorry.

I completely forgot that

that was your mash-up.

Oh, it would have been so terrible

if I had ruined your performance.

Your butt must be so empty after

pulling that stunt out of it.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah, well, his empty butt

is going to get us to Unity Day!

Yup.

You're going to try to play Unity Day?

You got that right.

[LAUGHING] I'm sorry,

but that is just

that is so cute.

Aw, what an adorable little dream

that you will never realize.

[LAUGHS]

Why do you say that?

Oh, I just meant that you are like

one of those cute

little dogs on Instagram.

You know, they're wearing

their little football jerseys.

And they are so excited

to play, but, of course,

we know that they

won't because, you know,

they're just dogs.

They don't know how to kick a ball.

[SCOFFS]

Well, it sucks to be you, Gisela.

- Oh, does it?

- It does.

- Mm-hmm?

- Because I actually

already have an original

song for Unity Day.

- BOTH: You do?

- Yeah, I do,

and when it drops, it'll be

number one in all of Germany,

and you will be old news

like Sully on the Hudson,

and I'll be one of the little birds

getting all up in your

engine to take you down.

[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

- That's right?

- Yeah.

You are like one of

those little ducklings

just sh1tting yourself in the water.

Perhaps I should go and

work on my original song.

Until next time,

woof, woof, Bumper Allen.

Woof, woof.



[WHIMPERS]

Ah, why did I say that?

It's okay. I totally get it.

She always throws me off my bearing.

Gisela makes me flustered.

I wanna give her the custard.

But don't worry, you have time.

Thea says she'll give you one day.

- [SCOFFS]

- Okay.

Well, how long is a day

in the metric system?

- BOTH: It's the same.

- Oh, that's bad.

[A CAPPELLA SCALE]

Ah, everybody here is

really good at soccer.

- Yes, Bumper, focus.

- Okay.

Are you ready for this?

Thea's expecting you to come prepared.

Okay, well, if by prepared you mean

having eaten breakfast and

wearing clean underwear, then

I am half prepared.

[SIGHS] Okay, ha-ha-ha.

But also, you came up with

some ideas for her last night,

like, even just half ideas?

Nah, I work better under pressure.

Don't worry. I'll pull this off

just like I did Pretzel Fest.

We just have to break

it down into steps.

Step one, write a song to impress Thea.

See? It's easy.

It's just one step.

Anyone can do one step.

Yeah, that's the right attitude.

It's high-pressure but fun,

like a bidet.

Okay, here we are.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]



Let's do it.

[SPANISH ACCENT] Let's do it.

- [CROW CAWS]

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

[METAL ROCK PLAYING]

Hey.

- [MUSIC STOPS]

- What's up, you honking bitch?

[LAUGHING] I am so sorry.

I tried to do the thing

that you liked before,

where I'm really

confident, but I overshot.

No, it worked. And in

fact, I love it, shithead.

Wow, gorgeous apartment, Thea.

It it looks like

a like a grocery store

the day before a snowstorm.

You've never been inside your

sister's apartment before?

Oh, well, uh, I mean, it's

a pretty new apartment

- Hi, you.

- And she and she's very busy.

- Hi.

- [CROW CAWS]

Our schedules don't really align.

We've been meaning to go to

a dinner for my birthday

for three years now.

Well, it's not my fault Pieter goes

to sleep every night like a dork.

I go to sleep whenever the pill

I found on the ground wears off.

- Very cool.

- But hey,

uh, if today goes well,

this could be a great

opportunity for us to

start hanging out again.

Cool. So it's just up to me

to repair the relationship

between two siblings.

No presh.

Oh, is it time to music now?

All right, Bumper, you got this!

Yoo! [CLEARS THROAT]

Does he got this?

I believe in him, but I also believe

my sister is very

scary and hates posers.

She thinks Halloween should be outlawed

because almost none of

those kids are real goblins.

I'm sure Bumper has

something up his sleeve.

Poopie balls!

Poopie balls!

Yeah, I'm gonna need a pop

filter for my Ps and my Bs.

I don't know what's

gonna come into my head,

but poopie and balls are

pretty big in my vocab.

This is your man?

You said you'd give him the whole day.

Let's see what he can do.

I think we're seeing it, but okay.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

Recording track one.

Track one.

Ha Right now?

We're doing it right now?

- [DEVICE BEEPS]

- Yes.

[POP BEATS PLAYS]

Uh-oh ♪

Bumper's got a tambourine ♪

- [CHIMES TINKLE]

- [GRUNTS]

Track two.

Wa walls ♪

- Three.

- Big glass walls ♪

- 15.

- There's a keyboard ♪

Track 36.

Power chord! Then you quiet it down ♪

- It's fine.

- [VOCALIZING]

So versatile, right?

I feel like the snare

is too loud in here.

There is no snare,

and you aren't even wearing headphones.

Gonna have to speak up, Thea.

I can't hear you over the snare.



Ich bin one week ♪

- [ALL SIGH]

- Since you looked at me ♪

Take it from the top.

[SCREAMING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Today has been such a waste.

I could have been making art

or juggling the sexual desires

of my many girlfriends and boyfriends.

We're done here.



[DOOR OPENS]

Sorry, I'll I'll

try to go get her back.

Heidi, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

I don't think I'm doing that well.

What? No!

Oh, my God, no!

You just I can't

come up with anything.

I'm a very bad liar.

Yes, you are blowing it.

Hey, let's get some fresh air.

I'm gonna show you what I do

when I need to get inspired.

[SCOFFS]

Please let it be whippets.

[FRENCH HORN PLAYING]

Ever since I got to Berlin,

everything's just happened so fast.

I feel like I can't keep up.

If I don't impress Thea,

I don't get Unity Day.

If I don't get Unity Day,

I have to go back to my boring life,

and I'll never get

this mole checked out,

'cause I am not paying for

an American dermatologist.

Well, you know what? Don't

think about all of that.

I mean, has the mole

grown since you got here?

Heidi, I didn't have it when I got here.

Just relax.

Making music is about

getting out of your own head,

like what you did at Pretzel Fest.

It's about expressing something

you feel in the moment.

But I can't get out of my own head.

There's just too much riding on this.

I I had nothing to

lose at Pretzel Fest.

But now, everything just really matters,

and I'm choking.

I just want people to like me too much.

Yeah, join the club.

I want people to like me so much

that I can't even perform under

my own name in case I'm bad.

You wanna perform under

the name Bumper Allen?

You'd have a credit score

of 400 because you got deep

into an energy drink pyramid scheme.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- I almost won a Mustang though.

- That's cool.

For real though, you have

nothing to worry about.

I meant it when I said you're great.

You shouldn't be afraid to

show exactly who you are.

That's sweet, but, uh,

easier said than done.

I'm not from here. I moved around a ton.

I always felt like an outsider.

It's hard for me to be social.

That's why I started songwriting.

It was the one thing in my life

that was stable and consistent

and just for me.

I didn't have people to confide in,

but I could put all of

my emotions into my songs.

Yeah, I thought I found

my people in college,

my a cappella group.

They all moved on.

Makes me sad or whatever.

That! That!

You should use that!

Okay, um [CLEARS THROAT]

I thought I found

my people in college ♪

- Like that?

- Uh

Skiddley doddely doodley deedly dee ♪

In college ♪

Scatman.

Work in progress.

Let me teach you how I write a song.

- Come on.

- Okay.

So it's this way.

I always do my best songwriting here.

It makes me feel less lonely.

You know, sometimes, I I

look around at all of the people

and I think, they might not know

the woman at the piano

could be a star one day.

- I believe.

- [LAUGHS]

[PIANO PLAYS]

Are we supposed to be here?

Oh, it's fine. He'll be back in five.

Okay, so you wanna start

out with chord progressions,

- so let's say this

- Okay.

No, I don't like that.

- That's okay.

- Yeah, that sounds good.

We can work with that.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay.



[HUMMING]

It's all in my head ♪

It's all in my heart ♪

The light always finds a

way to shine through the dark ♪

It's way too late

now to turn it around ♪

I'm right at the edge,

but I'ma figure it out ♪



[PIANO LINE BUILDS]

One day they'll know my name ♪

I like that.

BOTH: One day they'll know my name ♪



One day I'm gonna

make it out this room ♪

I don't have nothing to lose ♪

I'll be patient 'cause

I know it's on the way ♪

BOTH: One day they'll know my name ♪

Oh, my God, Heidi ♪

That was incredible.

You just made that up right now?

Yeah, it's whatever, blah.

No, it wasn't blah.

If anything, it was mm-hmm.

It had feeling, and it

made me feel something.

Now I feel like I know more about you.

Well, yeah. Yeah, and honestly,

it wasn't that bad.

I think I might work on that later.

Thanks, Bumper.

Turns out you inspired me

as much as I inspired you.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Now go up to Thea's and crush it.

What the hell is goin' on here?

Oh, no. Run!

No epiphanies on the piano!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Sorry! [LAUGHS]



[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[SIGHS] Can you please just come back?

What are you even doing?

The helmet makes me

Vitamin D-deficient,

so I sun myself every day

for 30 minutes like a lizard

or American sorority girl.

And no, Bumper is terrible.

You say you want to help me,

but you only care about your reputation.

You're just like Papa.

Dude, you're just like Papa!

[BOTH ARGUE IN GERMAN]

[SIGHS]

[HUFFS]

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't come here to pick a fight.

I came here to work.

See? You only came

because you need something.

And that's insulting.

You know, I'm not just an incredible DJ,

music producer, model,

activist, and X Games medalist.

I am a person with feelings.

I was just scared that you wouldn't want

to see me unless I

had something to offer.

I should have checked on you more,

and I'm sorry we haven't

gotten the birthday dinner.

But I do really care

about you as a person.

[TENDER MUSIC]

[CELL PHONES CHIME AND BUZZ]

[SIGHS]

- Oh, scheisse.

- What's this?

Gisela just released

a new original song.

Oh, Bumper bragging about having a song

must have spurred her

on to release one first.

- Okay.

- [SPEAKS GERMAN]

They'll always know

when you're a bad farmer ♪

Bad, bad farmer ♪

- Ugh.

- Sad goats ♪

Bad, bad, bad farmer ♪

Oh, God, sauerkraut, it's good.

We have to come back

with something quick

or else he'll fall behind,

and then Gisela will get

the newcomer spot at

Unity Day and then

oh, God, I taste metal.

[INHALING RAPIDLY]

- Okay.

- I can't get oxygen through my nose hairs.

[SINGS IN GERMAN]

[BOTH SING IN GERMAN]

- [SIGHS]

- Better?

You haven't sang that for me in years.

I never liked that girl.

She was bad for you, and she n

I'm sorry, what?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

She never let you shine!

Fine, I'll say it.

Oh. You think I'm shiny.

[LAUGHING] Shut up.

[HUFFS]



I'll finish the day with Bumper.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Thank you, Thea.

Everyone else hates me.

Yes, but let's not forget

that I hated you first

before it was cool.

- Accurate.

- And now, I need

eight more minutes of that sweet D,

and I'll be back down.

Oh, yeah. Okay, please.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Heidi and I will leave you two to it.

[SIGHS]

[CROW CAWING]

All right, how did she do this?

[PIANO PLAYS]

One day they'll know my name ♪



One day they'll know my name ♪

Mm.

One day I'm gonna

make it out this room ♪

[MURMURING SONG]

God, Heidi is so good.

- [DEVICE BEEPS]

- Don't stop.

- [SURPRISED PIANO]

- That's our song.

- What are you doing?

- Listen.

[STAMMERS]

One day they'll know my name ♪

[POP BEAT PLAYS]

One day they'll know my name ♪

- [DEVICE BEEPS]

- Okay, it's rough,

but once you finish

recording your parts,

I'll give it a proper mix.

So just keep playing.

Yeah, no, I don't think

we should use that one.

- It's not really even my

- [FEEDBACK WHINES]

Keep playing!

[PIANO PLAYS]

One day I'm gonna

make it out this room ♪

[TRAIN RUMBLING]

Perfect. Oh, fantastic.

Send it over.

[SIGHS]

Whatever you said to Bumper worked.

He wrote a song, and Thea loves it!

She just wants to add

a few more pew-pew-pews,

and then she'll send over the demo.

That's great, you big ol' bitch!

I am so sorry. I'm still in Thea mode.

Please ignore that.

You know, I'm sure Heidi will understand

once I just explain it.

It's not my fault!

I'm just stupid.

What do you think?

I think that we lost our humanity

when we agreed to let

industrialization become king.

- For sure.

- [CELL PHONE DINGS]

Oh, great.

Heidi wants me to come to the

office and listen to the song.

You're right, Ursula.

I need to go and explain myself

before Heidi hears it

and hates me forever.

You're right! You're right, Ursula!

There he goes,

another piglet of capitalism.

- Whoo!

- [GIGGLES]

- Oh.

- Oh, look at that.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Ah, the star is here!

Oh, the star? Before

we listen to the song,

I really need to tell you something.

- Okay.

- Me first.

I misjudged you.

I thought you were all

voice, no substance,

but you're not.

And if you ended that with,

"And the guacamole is free,"

you literally would have said everything

- I ever wanted to hear, but first

- To Bumper,

whose new song is going to

be our ticket to Unity Day.

And blow Gisela's out of the water.

Will it though? 'Cause I think it sucks.

It's a bad song.

Let's just sit on it,

marinate on whether

or not this is the one.

What? You're being silly.

- Thea says it's perfect.

- It is.

- It's not.

- To Bumper!

- To Bumper.

- To Bumper.

- Yeah.

- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Oh, dang!

That just slipped right out of my mitts.

Oh, we should really clean this up.

Maybe put a pin in this

until we get the glass

situation figured out.

Don't worry. There's more!

- But the shards?

- Heidi,

please debut Thea's finished demo.

But the shards though, Pieter!

Sister, may I have the honor?

But the shards!

[DRAMATIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[SLOW-MOTION] But the shards



Now no one can listen to it.

Why'd you turn off the lights?

It's all in my head ♪

It's all in my heart ♪

The light always finds a way

to shine through the dark ♪

It's way too late now ♪

Heide, I

- I gotta go.

- I can explain.

It's

Heidi!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Somebody get the mash because

Bumper's song is a banger.

One day they'll know my name ♪

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