01x04 - Streicheleinheit

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Pitch Perfect: Bumper in Berlin". Aired: November 23, 2022 - present.*
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Spin-off television series following the Pitch Perfect films.
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01x04 - Streicheleinheit

Post by bunniefuu »





Enjoy this.

It might be worth something someday.

Well, I don't know. We'll see.

It's an honor to meet you, Bumper.

I'm really obsessed with your song.

The pleasure's all mine.

I couldn't have done it

without the support of my fans.

And my songwriter. Maybe she signs it?

- Sure.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Oh, this is so exciting!

I've been practicing my signature

since I was a little kid.

God damn it. "G?"

There's no "G" in Heidi.

What were you thinking?

See you, man.


- Oh, no.

- Oh, no, what?

So last night when I didn't

have sex with Gisela

Wait, what?

I said I didn't have sex with her.

She came on to me after we had drinks.

- But I denied her the cake.

- Oh, why?

Because I'm focused on you, Bumper.

This currywurst gets no mustard

until your career is bing, bang, b*mb.

You know you didn't have to do that.

I knew she was gonna lose her poops

when I didn't give her the pudding,

and I was right

because she just texted me this.

You can't tell me when to sing ♪

Can't tell me what to do ♪

So watch me sing right now ♪

I sing when I want to ♪

Ooh ♪

I sing when I want to ♪

I sing when I want to sing ♪

And now's when I want to sing ♪

But it's 'cause I wanna

sing, so it's not for you ♪

I sing when I want to ♪

Boys, don't feel like you can't sing ♪

If to sing's your

thing, then go off, King ♪

Lest your voice has no cred ♪

Is it catchy to you?

Your whole head's a loaf of bread ♪

You're a corncob-looking corny fella ♪

You love milk and a cappella ♪

Don't try to sing,

just drink a gallon ♪

Milquetoast, corn boy, Bumper Allen ♪

I sing when I want to ♪

Ooh, talkin' about you, Bumper Allen ♪

Oh, it's really not good to me.

Bumper Allen ♪

This isn't about you, Bumper Allen ♪

I sing when I want to ♪

It's a diss track.

And even worse, it's a bop.

You should have given her your pudding.

I should have given her the pudding.

Yeah, the song is

surprisingly empowering.

Man, I feel like a woman

in a way that only "Man!

I Feel Like a Woman!"

makes me feel like a woman.

I'm not like what she said

in the video and catchy song.

I'm not, like, a corny a cappella guy.

I'm cool, right?


Right? Hey, I'm cool, right?

Of course you're cool, man.

My mom and I listen to

your song every night

on the way back from

birdwatching excursions.

Oh, God.

I'm not cool.

The only thing dorkier

than birds or excursions.

Hey, that's why people like you.

You're relatable.

And besides, the world

was built by dorks.

You think a cool guy

invented Stonehenge?

No way, dork central.

Total virgin stuff.

Yeah, that's where I'm gonna agree

to disagree with you, Heids.

This is an emergency.

We have to fix my image

if I'm gonna be a star.



I mean, I love all 11 fans we just met,

but I want cool people to like me too.

It can't be that hard for

Berliners to accept me.

I've been in Germany

for what, a month now?

I have to reinvent myself.

Go from Bumper to Humper.

I've had sex.

He has a point.

Unity Day is as much

a popularity contest

- as it is a talent contest.

- Yep.

It couldn't hurt for Bumper to

appeal to a wider demographic.

Gisela clearly is.

Maybe he needs a flashy

video to outdo her.

That's what I'm talking about, videos!

All the greats have videos.

Madonna, the girl from "The Ring."

But how do we make it cool?


I have an idea.

- Okay.




We get Klaus to direct the video.

If Unity Day committee sees

Bumper in Klaus's orbit,

you'll be guaranteed a spot.

And let's just say aloud, who is Klaus?

Only the most famous avant-garde

artist and director in Berlin,

and no one knows his real name.

He just goes by Klaus, like Banksy.

Like Wario.

Whoa, okay.

Wario, "I'm-a gonna win."

He loves to work with musicians.

When Ed Sheeran wanted

to reinvent himself

into a bad boy, he went to Klaus.

Ed is actually a

brunette from New Jersey.


I mean, this Klaus guy seems perfect.

- You think we can land him?

- We can try.

Can't wait for this guy to

help me achieve my dreams

and crush my nemesis.

Oh, my God, that is so cool.

I have a nemesis.

I'm basically Lord Voldemort.


[GASPS] There's Klaus.

You must impress him if you

want him to direct your video.

My God, he looks so epic.

Looks like a wizard or a warlock.

- Let's just go say hi.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You don't just go say hi to Klaus, okay?

Why don't you grab some paper towels

for Bumper's very shiny forehead

while the rest of us try

to come up with a plan.

Da, da, da, da, da, da,

looks good, just don't

you can look, but you better not touch.

You know that song?

It's fine. It just

looks we'll fix it.


You can't tell me when to sing ♪

Can't tell me what to do ♪

So watch me sing right now ♪

I sing when I want to ♪



- What the

- Yes.

Welcome to me.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, gets so hot in this outfit.

Over 40 degrees Celsius,

which, as you know,

is a hot temperature.


So you like my single, eh?

I have to admit, I do.

The song is very empowering.

It feels like it was

written just for me.

Well, I have to say,

I also like your song,

Miss Heidi Miller.

Wait, you remember me?

Of course.

You are Bumper Allen's

talented little songstress.

Now I want you to be mine.

You have been working

for Pieter for years,

and where has it gotten you?

Well, I guess the bathroom.

But to be fair, he is a good boss.

Has Pieter even given you a

salary increase, a promotion,

- paid sex leave?

- I can get paid for that?

Oh, with me you can.

Come and be my songwriter, Heidi.

My star is rising,

whereas Bumper Allen

is two octaves short

of a children's keyboard.

He does not have the range.

Uh, I've never really thought

about it like that before,

but I don't think I can work for you.

Not for me, Heidi.

With me.

Next to me.

Under me.

Under there.

Under where?

You see?

I made you say "underwear."

Already our working

relationship is so



[GASPS] I should go.


They're probably wondering where I am.

[CHUCKLES] Ah, ah.




Oh, Heidi, we forgot you left.

Okay, when you talk to

Klaus, remember to "smose."

Smile with your nose.

Okay? Am I doing it?

Oh, quick, he's coming. Look cool.

Hey! Do not touch my art.

The art should only touch you.


And you both should know better.

BOTH: Sorry, Papa.



I wish I could say it was a pleasure,

but then what is pleasure?

What is pleasure?

So our plan for my future was

to get your dad to help me?

I have worked for you for seven years,

and you have never told me

that Klaus is your father.

Klaus doesn't like us to

tell people we are related.

It's just too complicated for him

to be a father and an artist,

so he's mostly just an artist.

He never really did normal

father stuff with us.

I've still never been

to an amusement park.

Only to Marfa, Texas.

But all the sacrifices

he made in fatherhood

has made him that much

better of a director,

so lucky us.

You're right. He is the best.

We need to land him.

If you say so.


- Speak.

- Okay.

Mr. Klaus, it would be an honor

if you would direct my music video

and fully reinvent me.

Reinvent me?

I don't think so.

It seems like you like

to take things apart

and make them cooler.

That is exactly what I need.

Just think of me as

one of these mannequins.

I am blank, pliable,

and completely hairless.

Like a Barbie.



What are you doing?

I'm a Barbie girl

in the Barbie world ♪

Life in plastic, it's fantastic ♪

You can brush my hair,

undress me everywhere ♪

Imagination, life is your creation ♪

Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪

Bow, bow, bow ♪

Make me walk, make me talk ♪

Do whatever you please ♪

I can act like a star,

I can beg on my knees ♪

Come jump in, be my friend ♪

Let us do it again ♪

Hit the town, fool

around, let's go party ♪

ALL: You can touch ♪

You can play ♪

If you say, I'm always yours ♪

ALL: I'm a Barbie girl

in the Barbie world ♪

Life is plastic, it's fantastic ♪

You can brush my hair,

undress me everywhere ♪

Imagination, life is your creation ♪

Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪

ALL: Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪

Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪

ALL: Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa ♪

Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪

ALL: Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪

Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪

ALL: Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa ♪


- Yeah!

- Bravo.


Bravo, bravo.

I liked it, very strong.

We start work tomorrow.

But you must give your

whole self to my vision.

Of course. Yeah, absolutely.

See you tomorrow.

See you!

Goodbye, Leah.

Goodbye, Penis.

Did he just call you penis?



That's the one.



Oh, splendid.

An offering to the purple hamburger god.

Bumper and I have America night

where we eat fast food

and we watch our favorite

American reality show,

"I Gave Birth at the Circus."

They were on the trapeze ♪

Now they're having babies ♪

BOTH: I gave birth at the circus ♪

Wait, what happened to you?


Ciao, darling. [KISSES]

This is the look that Klaus gave me.

Aw, he got rid of your cowlick?

It reminded me of my first crush,

Dennis the Menace.

The cowlick was a nerd antenna.

It had to go bye, bye.

Snip, snip, bitch.

- Okay, you can stop.

- Okay.

Well, I'm very excited

that we're hanging

'cause I've had a confusing week,

and I need to decompress by finding out

if they caught the baby before it went

through the ring of fire.

- Spoiler alert, they didn't.


I know. But I do have some good news.

Klaus had a few thoughts about the music

and lyrics to your song.

Instead of the chorus how we have it,

he wanted it more like

wordless Gregorian chanting

over the metal screams of the U-Bahn,

so of course I said yeah.

What the hell?

You can't just change my song.

I finally thought that

we were on the same page

about our partnership.

I barely recognize you.

And that's a good thing.

This was the team's genius plan.

Okay, can I be real with you?

In college, I was the

king of mouth music.

Der Konig der Mundmusik.

But now, I'm der konig

der big fat nothing.

Even you said I was a dork.

Klaus can change all that.

He's my one shot to make

all my dreams come true.

Well, it's your career.

And if you're realizing that maybe

there's more for you out there,

then maybe you should

consider the options

that were presented

to you in the bathroom.

Are we still talking about me?

Because I haven't gone

to the bathroom in hours.

Klaus makes me hold it

until I can taste it.



Gisela? Let's meet up.

I'd like to talk to you.

Okay, Heidi. That was great practice.

Now let's call her for real.



Have you seen Heidi?

She was being weird last time I saw her.

[GASPS] Papa.

Look, Papa's here.

- You look amazing.

- Thank you.

Like my friend Trinity

from "The Matrix."

You think so?

And before we start talking,

I want to say Pieter, Thea,

thank you so much for

bringing him to me,

my new friend.

Also, Pieter, what a big boy you become.

It's okay.

That's literally everything

I've ever wanted to hear.

I know.

But I don't trust it.

Let's walk to my vision.

Bumper is singing,

and then he meet his doppelganger.



And step him over, and over, and over.

k*lling his past.

- What?

- Ryan.


Howdy, do you like my stripes?

I'm getting into character.

Yeah, we like your stripes.

I don't look like that.

Do I look like that?


Bumper, are you okay with this idea?

He's condemning everything

you've ever done.

Well, it was your idea

to work with your dad

'cause you didn't

think I was cool enough.

And yeah, no, I trust Klaus's vision.

Yeah, Thea, it's not so bad.

Okay, sure, Bumper's getting stabbed,

but he's doing the stabbing.

Pieter, I know it's

Papa, but this is wrong.

[SCOFFS] Let's not rock the boat.

Papa called me a big boy.

Well, are you a boy-ager

or a manager?



Say, Papa?


Maybe we should dial this back a bit.

It is cruel, okay?

You're making fun of a friend.

You do this thing where your work comes

before anyone else's ideas.

Or wanting to go to the amusement park.

You know, Pieter, I

am the most respected,

most expensive artist in Berlin,

and you are an outcast.


[SIGHS] Okay, first you bully Bumper.

Now you bully Pieter?

I knew this was a bad idea.

Come on, Bumper. This isn't you.

Guys, I mean, come on.

This is Klaus.

This is the only way I

could become someone else

and prove Gisela wrong.

You said so yourself.

Without this video,

I'll never be the person

I need to be to be a star.

I mean, Ed Sheeran, you guys.


He chose me.

Send them home.

Say goodbye to your friends.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.


Also, I actually drank

a lot of water today.

- Do you mind if I use

- No.

I told you not to drink so much.

- I'll just pinch it shut.

- Yep.


I am just so excited that

this is all working out.

Thank you.

Oh, Heidi, I'm so happy

that you are leaving Bumper

to become my songwriter.

I already feel like we are two

best friends at summer camp,

exploring each other's bodies, you know?

Yeah, it, uh it was a tough decision.

But in the end, like your song says,

break every rule if the rule is wrong.

So here I am being wild.


I'm sorry, was that too loud?

Oh, no, I like it loud.

Okay, good.

With our two talents combined,

that newcomer slot will be mine,

and you will be offered

your paid sex leaves

that I promised you.

Ooh. I wonder who the lucky guy is.

Or girl. Who knows?

Well, I have jotted

down a list of 30 themes

we could explore that really push

the girl power message in your music.

"Sing When You Want To" could

be the tip of the ice-herg.

And yes, I said "herg,"

as in "herstory."


- Okay.

Just a little wordplay for you.

Yeah, wow.

I, uh that is really impressive.

And I appreciate your work ethic

and your penmanship,

but I'm not really looking

for, like, song ideas right now.

Uh, what do you mean?

Isn't that why you hired me?

Well, I actually think

you might be most valuable

on a more, like, micro level.

Like, perhaps providing

insider information

that could help me, um

[CLEARS THROAT] take Bumper down.


Well, if you have great songs,

then you will take him down.

Yes, but I don't just

want to beat him, Heidi.

I want to destroy him.

This is personal.

He humiliated me live

on my own social media.

- Yeah.

- And then Pieter rejected me.

Rejected me!

Even after I German kissed him.

It's like a French kiss,

but your mouth tastes like sauerkraut.

It's actually really good.

But I just want to stick it to him!

Since he wouldn't stick it to me.


[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah, well, I

I don't know if this

is what I signed up for.

Oh, sure it is, Heidi. Come on.

You're tired of the way

they are treating you.

Otherwise, why would you

even be here meeting with me?

You gotta learn how to assert yourself.

If you don't, then [SCOFFS]

Who will?

I'm super pumped that

my friends are gone.

Do you think they're

eating sandwiches right now?

I love sandwiches.

Time to k*ll your doppelganger.

Uh, yeah, okay, right now? Okay, yeah.

It's time to k*ll my doppelganger.

You know, maybe after we do that,

you text Pieter and Thea

and apologize, and say you're sorry,

and make up or whatever.

I don't apologize, and I don't text.

I send my messages with an evil pigeon.


Let us begin.


You can go all out with me.

I stretched beforehand.


They don't know my name ♪

Witness your old self.

They don't know my name ♪

They don't know my name ♪

Now, k*ll him.


k*ll that loser.

[ECHOING] Loser, loser.

- Oh!

- Thanks, Bumper.

To Bumper!

k*ll that bastard!

k*ll that loser Bumper!



Durr, I'm Bumper Allen,

and I couldn't have done

it without my team, ugh.

k*ll him!



Yeah, I'm not gonna do this.

I can't sh**t this video.

Bumper's out.

How dare you walk away from me?

Good luck getting on to

Unity Day without my help.




How am I ever going

to find these guys

Hey, there they are.

Oh, my God, whew!

And you guys are eating sandwiches.

I knew it.

Well, if you're going

to drown your sorrows

in delicious meat on the street,

Berlin is the place to do it.

Bumper, what are you doing here?

- I thought you made your choice.

- Yeah, the wrong choice.

I fired your father.

You guys are right.

I never should have

turned my back on who I am.

The who I am is who got me

to Germany to meet you guys.

I was so focused on being cool,

I just I got lost in the sauce.

I'm sorry.

Well, we are sorry we introduced you

to him and his sauce.

I think deep down, I

just wanted an excuse

to talk to him.

Part of me keeps hoping he'll change

every time I see him, but he won't.

Too much sauce.

He's a d*ck.

Oh, my God. I can finally say it.

- My daddy's a d*ck!

- Yes!

- And I greatly dislike Marfa!

- It sucks!

- I've been there.

- Wow.

Bumper, I'm impressed.

Pieter never said anything mean

about Papa before he met you.

I bring out the worst in people.

Well, it wasn't just Bumper.

You had my back today.

At least I have one

family member that does.


Okay, not always, but from now on.

- That's fine.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

- Aw, that's cute.

- But shut up real quick.

- Okay, shh!

- Just please be quiet.

- Oh, so

- You're still talking, though.

- I should

- Quiet, just be quiet.

- This a quiet time?

Okay, could we just do the same thing?

Make up, be all cute and

stuff, but with Heidi?

Where do Americans like to

go besides the Oregon Trail?

Chuck E. Cheese?

I think I have an idea

of where she might be.


- Heidi?

- Oh, uh

- Cute place.

How do you know about it?

I actually told her about it

because I play bar trivia here.

- Huh.

- You do?


The other day you sucked

when we all watched Jeopardy.

Okay, well, since when

is Prince Albert a person?

Anyway, Heidi,

I wanted to tell you

that I finally stood up

for myself, and I fired Klaus.

And I should have stood up for you too.

I love our partnership,

and I shouldn't have let

him get in the way of us

and change our song.

While we're admitting things,

I have one for all of you.

Wait, are you the one who's

breaking into my drawer

and taking little bites out of my socks?

- What no.

- Okay.

Well, they're still out there.

Bumper, it's never mind.

- Gisela tried to recruit me.

- What?

- She's diabolical.

- Yeah.

She told me that she wanted

me to be her songwriter.

What did you say?

To be honest, I considered it.

You know, I felt like I've been

treated like an afterthought,

and you guys didn't see me as a peer.

Oh, Heidi, I do see you as a peer.

If I was on trial for m*rder,

you could be in the jury.

- You'd make a great juror.

- Aw.

That's sweet of you guys to say.

But, no, I realized something

after saying no to her.

I'm not working for Gisela

because I care about you guys.

And she goes after what she

wants for better or worse,

and I have been an assistant

for a very long time

and that is not your fault, Pieter.

A lot of my insecurities

came from my own fear.

But if I don't take a

risk, I don't grow, so


work for you anymore.

But do you want to work for me

and be my manager as a songwriter?


This is an obvious no-brainer.

[EXHALES] Awesome.

- Yeah, shake on it, cool.

- Wait, so is that a yes?

- That was a yes.

- Okay.

- Ah, group hug!

- We shook on it.

Let's hug right now. Oh,

this is our group hug.

Oh, my God, I love being

dorks who group hug.

I wish we had a video, though.

Klaus was supposed to help us

take attention away from Gisela.


I just came up with another plan.

- Again?

- I know!

How does it keep happening?

It actually hurts a little bit.

It's all in my head ♪

It's all in my heart ♪

The light always finds a way

to shine through the dark ♪

It's way too late now ♪

But turning around ♪

I'm right at the edge ♪

But I'ma figure it out ♪

They don't know my name ♪

Today I'm gonna make

it out this room ♪

I don't have nothing to lose ♪

I'll be patient 'cause

I know it's on the way ♪

But they don't know my name ♪

They don't know my name ♪

I think we did a really great job,

even without Klaus.

I am so glad you didn't

go work for Gisela.

I would have really missed you.

I would have missed you guys too.

But now that I'm a songwriter,

and Pieter's over Gisela,

as long as we don't make

it complicated again,

it should all be smooth sailing.


See you Thursday for

"Birth at the Circus?"

Uh, duh.

Last week was such a cliffhanger.

- I got to know if

- BOTH: The lion ate the placenta.

- I know.

- Great.

Oh, my God. 'Cause he's going for it.

- But it's a lion.

- Cliffhanger.

- See you Thursday.

- See you.


God, she is so great.

She's so great.

Oh, she's so great.


Oh, no.

I'm in love with Heidi.

I'm in love with Heidi ♪

I'm in love with Heidi ♪

I'm in love with Heidi ♪

I'm in love with Heidi ♪

I'm in love with Heidi ♪

We're in love with Heidi ♪

He's in love with Heidi ♪

She's in love with Heidi ♪

I'm in love with Heidi ♪

She's in love with Heidi ♪

I'm in love with Heidi ♪
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