01x09 - Mole Hunt (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

[somber music playing]

[Robe 1] The turning has started early.

Another must join our ranks.

The dark initiation is nigh.

[display beeping]

- [tires screech]
- [gasps] Sweet baby Jesus.

The corn made a picture!

[Robe 1] The time has come.

[Shadow Board] The time has come.
The time has come.

The time has come. The time has come.

The time has come.

The time has come... [exhales]

- ...for year-end bonus o'clock!
- [party horn blowing]

- Great news, guys.
- [upbeat music playing]

I know I can be
a real cabal-buster sometimes.

But the numbers are in,

and we have finished
this year's missions in record time.

So these gifts are from J.R.
to express his thanks.

Ooh, what's it gonna be?
[gasps] A private island?

Please be the nuclear codes.

- [tense music plays]
- Tote bags? Again? Son of a bitch!

[Myc] I don't need a bag to carry sh*t.

- [yells] I got six f*cking arms.
- Uh-uh.

Wait. There could be
a check inside of it or... [gasps]

...a commemorative tinfoil hat.

[Myc] That's just actual garbage.

- Oh man.
- [Myc] Oh my God.

- I want gifts.
- [Reagan] Guys. Hey, guys.

You know what? You're right.

You do deserve more than tote bags.
I'm taking this to J.R.

- [Myc] Give it to him!
- [Gigi] Yeah, girl!

J.R., my team has worked harder than ever
to deliver on our missions, and...

[J.R.] And it has finally paid off!

After a lifetime of kissing every ass
up the ass ladder,

I have finally become top ass!

The Robes are initiating me
into the Shadow Board!

- [owl hooting]
- Wow, very Hogwarts.

And there's blood on my hands.

Join the club. [laughs]

[inhales] All my life,
I've had a humble dream

to be the most rich
and powerful person in the universe.

And now it's happening,

and I want you to be the next CEO.

Oh my God.

- I'm gonna run Cognito?
- [triumphant music playing]

I thought this day would never come!
[gasps] I'm so unprepared.

Yeah, are you gripping a binder
called Reagan's Inevitable Takeover?

Wow.

This is so much to take in.
I feel like celebrating.

Ooh, you wanna disappear someone
for funsies?

[laughs] It's hilarious. They get sent
to Shadow prison and erased from history.

I should probably wait at least a week
before going mad with power.

Ah, you remind me
of when I had more hair and values.

- [man yells]
- You want my advice?

- [glass shatters]
- You gotta be ruthless to run this place.

Once you're actually sitting
in this chair, everything changes.

With all due respect, sir,
that's what I'm counting on.

- [hip-hop music playing]
- Hell yeah, Mole-Man!

What up, 3Pac?

Stem Cell Steve, have you gotten younger?

That's what I do.

[grunts]

What up, Deep State?

Today I control you!

[laughing madly]

[Myc] Well, this will go well.

[electronic music playing]

[hip-hop music playing]

Dad, I've got some good news
and some good booze.

- Ah! Intruder!
- Ow! Ooh, Rea... Kiddo! Kiddo, it's me!

Whoa. Sorry, Dad.

I wanted to surprise you
for your promotion

by cleaning up the place.

[whirring]

[party horn toots]

[whirring]

I almost got my vomit stains
out of your diploma.

Wow, that's weirdly thoughtful of you.

Hey, Dad, can I run a work problem by you?

Are you kidding?
I was a work problem for years. sh**t.

Do you think, in order to be a CEO,
I have to be a ruthless psycho like J.R.?

f*ck J.R., Reagan.

You've been preparing for this job
since you were six years old.

I'm proud of myself for raising you.

So by the transitive process,
you're saying you're proud of me.

Eh, something like that.

Aw, Dad. Distant hug.

Ah.

- Yeah, how's that?
- It's something.

It's tolerable.

Today, I finally leave Cognito Inc.
and ascend to the Shadow Board.

I want you to know I love you all

like a random group of people

I was contractually required
to spend 40 hours a week with.

To quote Christian Bale's meltdown
on the set of Terminator Salvation,

"We are done professionally."

Thank you, and enjoy the shrimp.

- [inspirational music playing]
- [whirs]

Today, a new dawn is dawning.

Look, let's get real.

This company has been
an old boys' club for years.

I mean, really old.

- You take that back.
- [g*n cocks]

For far too long, this company
has run on lies, selfishness,

and a lust for money
that borders on the sexual.

[Myc] Hell yeah!

Well, no more.

- I present Cognito 2.0.
- [crowd gasps]

We're gonna make the world a better place,

starting with chairs
with improved neck support

for our Easter Island population...

- Oh, very ergonomic.
- [grunting]

...to increased media spending
for the subliminal messages that matter.

[giggling]

[narrator in sinister voice]?Recycle.
Health care is a right. Delete Twitter.

I even created an ethics bot

to ensure that our missions
are morally acceptable.

[ethics bot] Congratulations, Cognito Inc.
You are 51% not evil.

- [whistles]
- Booyah!

But best of all, no more shitty tote bags.

Task force, you're getting crew jackets.

[crowd exclaims]

Ah! It's me. I'm on a jacket.

I'm so excited I can't breathe. [panting]

[Myc] Huh, jackets?

Unlike these chumps,
my loyalty isn't for sale.

Oh, I also upgraded
Myc's weird jerk-off machine

so we can milk all six tentacles at once.

[machine] Slay me, mushroom daddy.

[Myc] I would both k*ll and die for you.

Reagan, 2024.

[crowd cheering] Reagan! Reagan!

Hell yeah! My best friend is my boss.

This is gonna be so uncomplicated.

Whoo!

- [crowd cheering]
- [laughs]

Finally, it's gonna be
a Deep State you can trust.

- [alarm blares]
- [Reagan grunts]

Trust no one.
There's been a security breach!

[crowd screaming]

[J.R.] sh*t! Crapping-ass! Damn it!
Pants full of f*cking sh*t!

There's a mole in our midst.

They've broken in
and stolen the unspoken file.

- [all gasp]
- [dramatic music plays]

What's the unspoken file?

The one we don't speak about.
You got a brain under that hot face?

It's the master dossier

of every conspiracy
we have ever committed.

If that gets exposed,
the whole company goes down.

Someone here is trying to personally
f*ck me over, and I won't have it.

If the Robes find out about this,
the only place I'll be promoted to

is Shadow prison X.

The place we disappear people to

that's so secret
even we don't know where it is?

That's where we sent
the third Olsen triplet.

[Myc] Pour one out for Stacey May Olsen.

Okay, let's just all stay calm
and be reasonable about this.

I'm filling the atrium
with sharks trained in Krav Maga!

[people gasping and screaming]

[grunts]

[screaming]

I'm going to my coronation ceremony
come hell or shark water.

Reagan, you wanted to be boss.
Here's your first task.

Find the mole by end of day,

or I'm disappearing every one of you!

[all gasp]

Oh, and Reagan, congrats on the promotion.

Thank you.

I hope you survive yours as well.

[laughing awkwardly] Hey, Cognito.

It's your new CEO here,
thanking you for your cooperation

with this whole friendly,
mandatory screening.

[ethics bot] Warrantless searches
are unethical.

- [powers off]
- Okay, Reagan, no pressure.

You have ten hours to find the mole,
or everyone dies.

This job is my dream.
I will not give up on my utopia.

I can't go to Shadow prison X.

I created all their t*rture devices

with the express understanding
I'd never have to experience them.

Okay, whoever did this
wanted to take down J.R.

and didn't care about the fallout.
But why?

Who in this company
would be such an assh*le?

[tense music plays]

[Myc] Oh, come on.

No, there's
only one truly vengeful traitor

in the building,

and I know because it's basically
all he talks about.

It is not. Besides, I can't be your mole.

I've been trapped in a glass tomb
for a reason we've all forgotten.

Attempted global genocide?

[laughs] Do us all a favor,
build a bridge and get over it.

[laughs] Am I right, folks?

[Myc laughs] This guy is a p*stol.
Why don't we hang out more, man?

His casing is intact.

There's no way
he could've stolen the file.

Ah, but I saw on the security log

that J.R.'s door was opened at midnight
by someone with department-head clearance.

Wait, but wouldn't that mean
that the mole would have to be...

[all] Someone in this room.

[tense music plays]

[in singsong] Drama.

[mysterious music playing]

[J.R.] It's fine, J.R.,
the Robes don't know about the leak.

Don't lose it.
Just schmooze it. [chuckles]

- [door creaking]
- Oh, hello!

How's my favorite Shadow Council doing?

[laughing] You cryptic bastards
still keeping it shady, or what?

[Robe 1] Hello, J.R.

We've been watching you.

[clears throat] So is this
where we're doing my, uh, robe ceremony?

[Robe 1] We didn't bring you here
to give you a robe, J.R.

Ah, okay, you caught me.

Look, I can explain![elongated]

[grunts]

[Robe 1] We brought you
to compete to the death for one.

So this isn't Shadow prison?

[Robe 1] No, it's an insidious maze

filled with deadly traps
and sinister creations.

Wow.

What a diabolical twist.

You guys are good!

I love the decor, by the way.

[Robe 1] May the first person
to exit the maze win.

Let the games begin.

Okay, crusty old guy, crusty old guy...

J.R. Scheimpough,
the most entitled person I know,

and I've had Tom Cruise
jump on my furniture.

Well, well, well. Oprah. Hey, how are
things over at the Illuminati, by the way?

You still tryin' to scramble up
to the top of that greasy pyramid?

[laughs] You're not
the only rich sociopath

I'm going to leapfrog
on my way to the top.

Ah!

I knew God didn't exist. Ow!

It's too many snakes.

Booby-trap floor. That's cute.

You seem calm for a man
who's one puzzle away from certain peril.

A maze is just a building full of lies
designed to make everyone miserable.

I've been running one of those
for 40 years.

[suspenseful music plays]

Okay, we're still a team,
except for the one of us that's not.

Can't Myc just tell us who did it?

[Myc] My, uh, psychic powers
are tapped out.

I might have gone a little overboard
test-driving Reagan's new spank t*nk.

That sounds like
something a leaker would say.

Look, he's leaking right now.

[Myc] You're quick to point a flipper.

I say Glenn's the mole.
His backstory doesn't make any sense.

He's a human who became a dolphin,

but his last name
has always been Dolphman?

- I'm calling bullshit.
- [Brett] I have an idea.

Maybe we can share the blame equally,

like best bros.

You'd love that. Maybe Brett's the mole,

and he did this to force all of us
to be best buddies in prison forever!

[Reagan] Everybody calm down.

Don't forget, this is Cognito 2.0.
I'm gonna solve this humanely.

None of us have left the building,

so the unspoken file
hasn't left the building.

We'll search office by office.

We find the file, we find the mole.

- [employees screaming]
- It's every Mothman for himself!

That's right, I'm taking all the lamps!

Social order is breaking down!

Well, Brett's creepily clean.

Is that an entire drawer of Purell?

Mm-hmm. That's some American Psycho sh*t.

I'm a blank slate,
and I have nothing to hide.

- [ethics bot] Concealed item detected.
- [coworkers gasp]

[sucks teeth] Ooh.

- [Myc] He's got a wire.
- Oh, my God.

My hunch about you from day one was right.

You're some kind of sleeper agent
created in a lab by Abercrombie.

- [Myc] Quick, test his reflexes.
- Ow! [grunts] Ah!

Guys, okay, I can explain.

- This is my audio journal.
- [beeps]

[Brett's voice] Dear diary,
how are you? I'm Brett.

Sometimes I wonder,
do trees have feelings?

My therapist recommended that I keep one

because I feel
emotionally gaslit by you guys, a lot.

[ethics bot] Scan complete. Area cleared.

Look, search all you want.

The only thing you'll find looking through
my personal possessions is jealousy.

Jealousy and dozens
of rejected job applications

to work for the Illuminati?

[coworkers gasp]

[Reagan] Maybe you sold out J.R.

in exchange for a cushy new gig
with Oprah at our rival company.

You're leaving us, Gigi?

Dear diary, abandonment issues
rearing their ugly head again.

That's none of your g*dd*mn business.

If I wanted J.R. canceled,
I'd have done it with a tweet.

I got cancel tweets
locked and loaded for all y'all,

so watch your ass. [gulps]

[Brett] Did someone already ransack
Andre's office?

What? No.

This is how I keep my office.

[electricity crackling]

Or did you destroy your lab
in a fit of rage

after J.R. refused
to let the FDA approve your truth serum?

Look, I'm hooked on truth serum, okay?
Regular dr*gs don't work anymore.

The only thing
that gives me a rush are harsh truths.

Harsh truths?

If you survive 40,
I hope you find peace with yourself.

Yes! Harsher.

Oh God, he's enjoying this.

I'm no traitor. You can cavity-search me
if you want. Go ahead.

What's inside the vault?

Hmm. Nothing.

- [thumping]
- No, no, no, no!

What the hell?

A wig? Fidget spinners?

[Myc] A secret identity!

You're a double agent with double chins!

I am not!

The truth is,
I've been working undercover at Georgetown

under the alias of 19-year-old
liberal arts major Chad Dallas.

Only thing Chad loves more
than vaping on his electronic cigarettes

is signing up his fellow teens
to become drone pilots

for the US m*llitary.

Thanks, bros.

Sacrificing yourself to the state is bae.

- [ethics bot] Area cleared.
- Booyah! Exonerated.

[Myc] Well, I guess that's everyone.

[Reagan] It's Myc then.

Myc's the g*dd*mn mole.

- [Myc] Ah! It's not me.
- [ethics bot] Unethical.

- Unethical.
- Whoa, Reagan. A little timeout.

- [Myc grunts]
- [Reagan] Ah!

[groans] You are acting
cheugy right now, Reagan.

Things are, uh, getting
a little heated in there, Ray-dawg.

[sighs] How does running
this company ethically help

if I can't even find one lousy mole?

Maybe the mole isn't one of our friends.

I guess I'm just
an atrium half full kind of guy,

but I think they're telling the truth.

That's it, Brett, truth.
I know how we're gonna find the mole.

We're gonna slip those shady bastards
a little of Andre's truth serum.

[laughs] Whoa, Reagan,
doesn't that seem a little...

[ethics bot] Unethical. Unethical.
[quietly] Uneth...

In a perfect world,
we wouldn't have to drug our friends

to avoid being eaten by sharks.

But we live in America in the 2020s,

and all bets are off.

It's time for you
to stop thinking with your heart

and start thinking with your head.

But...

For the g*ng.

[inspirational music playing]

Okay, let's drug our friends
to save our friends.

Let's see, we've got a pharaoh, Aristotle...

Ronald McDonald? Was he a real guy?

- Can a god become a man?
- [dramatic music plays]

Look, let's skip the banter
till after I'm a Robe and you're dead.

[laughs] No, you simple sentient forehead.

You're going to get me that robe.

And why would I do that?

[in singsong] 'Cause Cognito has a mole.

And unless you want the Robes to know
you can't keep your house clean,

you're going to do
exactly what Oprah tells you.

g*dd*mn it.

Fine. But only because
you gave me a car that one time.

Out of curiosity, how the hell
did you find out about the leak?

Let's just say your extraction team

was looking
for new employment opportunities.

Is this about me
using them as a death squad?

[whimpering]

g*dd*mn millennials
just won't put the work in.

Sorry, guys.

I said things would be different
with me as CEO.

If we go down, we go down together.

A toast to the best group
of coconspirators anyone could ask for.

[sinister music plays]

Huh. I have a weird urge to tell someone
whatever the opposite of a lie is.

Wh... what is that called again?

That's because I put
Andre's truth serum in your drinks.

- [Myc] You truth-roofied us?
- [dramatic music plays]

I prefer tru-fied. It's more playful.

Now you're all gonna talk.

- Gigi, are you the mole?
- No!

Then why were you applying
to join the Illuminati?

Because they're the Prada
of secret societies,

and you all ignore me.

I don't think any of you
even know what my damn last name is.

[Myc] I wanna say Luigi?

Gigi Luigi?

I'm gonna kick whatever you have
instead of an ass.

This is good.
We're talking, letting out our truths.

Myc, are you the mole?

[Myc] Hell no.
But we're telling the truth?

Well, I got some truth bombs for you.

I've been in your minds all year.

I know all your dirty little secrets.

Gigi hooked up with Andre
at the company Christmas party.

Brett thinks Reagan's mom is hot.

Reagan has a Carl Sagan fetish,

and Glenn has had sex dreams
about all of us.

- Oh my gosh!
- Jesus Christ.

No, no, no, no.

[yells] Damn you, mushroom!

This is why I've been secretly trying
to get your fungal ass deported

back to the center of the Earth.

- You've been trying to deport Myc?
- [laughing]

Dolphin versus mushroom.
This is like watching Planet Earth.

[Myc] Shut your bong hole, Tommy Chong.

Everyone here just uses you to get dr*gs,
and you're definitely the mole.

I... I'm not the mole.
I'm not even a real doctor.

[coworkers gasp]

I flunked out of med school my first year.

My PhD is photoshopped
from an episode of Doc McStuffins.

Andre, you did my dolphin surgery.

You literally said the words,

"Trust me, I'm a doctor."

That's just a turn of phrase.

"I'm a doctor." "Where's the beef?"

"Gigi, I wasn't kind of frightened
by our sexual encounter."

[all shouting and arguing]

[shouts] Hey!

You know what?

If J.R. wants to k*ll me,
tell him to go ahead and try it.

Hidden weapons!

Stop! Stop!
Reagan, the truth is tearing us apart.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's not like some other perfect suspect
is gonna just, like, fall out of the sky.

- [all gasp]
- [Myc] What?

[coughs] Congrats
on the promotion, sweetie. [coughs]

- [dramatic music plays]
- What the entire f*ck are you doing here?

Look, I know what this looks like.

I'm a former disgruntled employee

mysteriously sneaking
into a company I swore "vengeance" on.

However, you know, f*cking...

Man, this one really got away from me.

Point is, #RandInnocent.

It all makes sense! Rand hates J.R.

Conclusions jumped. Hand over the file.

Dad, I want the truth, and if you lie,

I swear I will have Bear-o
smother you physically and emotionally.

Truth is, I just snuck in this morning

to bring you a little surprise
on your big day.

Well, it used to be cupcakes,

but I got lost in the vents
and started boredom eating

listening to you assholes
Agatha Christie each other.

But you're banned from the company.
How do you have clearance?

- I borrowed Reagan's.
- [coworkers gasp]

He's got the motive.
He's got department-head clearance.

[Myc] Feed him to the sharks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not make
any rash decisions here, guys.

Guys, wait. Wait.

The file has been gone for hours,
and it still hasn't been leaked.

It's like whoever did this just wanted
to turn this team against each other.

And take this in the best way possible,

my dad just doesn't care about you guys.

It's true.
I don't even know most of your names.

Reagan, I try to give everyone
the benefit of the doubt,

but what's more likely,
that this was done by one of our g*ng

or that it was done by your dad,
who's a psychopath alcoholic?

I know him, Brett.
He is an assh*le, but he's got a good...

Heart? What did you say
about listening to your heart?

[ethics bot] Ethical conundrum detected.

Who to trust,
your work family or your real family?

You know, lording
your ethical superiority over people,

it's not very ethical.

[ethics bot] Ethics aren't ethical?

[glitches] Error.
Moral relativism detected. Error.

We can still find the mole,
save your job and this office.

[Brett] It's him or us, Reagan.

Hand over your dad.

[tense music playing]

Sorry, Brett. [grunts]

Bear-o.

[Bear-o] Does Reagan need a hug?

- [Reagan] Dad, jump!
- [Rand] That's my girl.

Reagan, no.

[Rand] #RandInnocent.

Oh no, they don't.

- Come on, I know where we can hide out.
- What?

[dramatic music playing]

[Gigi] Oh my gosh. Is there
a secret tunnel in the Mayan calendar?

How do we have sh*t like that
but no paid maternity leave?

- We gotta follow them.
- Into that shark-infested water?

Watch out. I'm about to open a can
of dolphin-safe whoop-ass.

- [Reagan yells]
- [Rand grunts]

[both coughing]

- Ah, thanks for saving me, kiddo.
- Do not make me regret this.

We have to prove that you're right,
or we're all getting fired,

disappeared, and/or eaten by sharks.
Kind of a stakes overkill.

- Yeah, a lot of redundant stakes.
- Stakes a-poppin'.

And, uh, where the hell are we?

Behind here is a surveillance feed
of the entire office.

I built it during the height
of the cocaine crisis

to weed out any squares.

This is how we're gonna find that mole.

You built a secret surveillance state
within a secret surveillance state?

Ain't she pretty?

Back in my day,
the cameras never stopped rolling,

and the fear flowed like wine.

- [beeps]
- [inhales] Ah.

I wish I could go back
for the steady stream of groveling alone.

- [Reagan exhales]
- Kiddo?

I thought I was gonna be
different from J.R.

On my first day, I had to drug my team

and ride a robot bear
through a shark t*nk.

Don't forget you made
a morality robot self-destruct.

Maybe I'm... maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Hey, you made it further
than your old man.

If I'd gotten
complete control of the company,

I'd have spent my first morning,
I don't know,

disappearing anybody
your mom's ever dated

and just k*lling people for fun.

[laughs]

Be a dear and access
the surveillance tapes.

Daddy's gonna rustle up
some black cherry Tab.

[mysterious music playing]

[Robe 1] Welcome to the final room.

One door rings true, one door spells doom.

Choose a Robe's most favorite beast

to ride to your coronation feast.

Last trap, J.R.

A Robe's most favorite beast.

It's the bull.

You wouldn't be tricking me
into mortal danger, would you?

Why, I'd have to be a complete snake
to do something like that.

Good point.

- [dramatic music playing]
- Once a liar, always a liar.

Now, to accept my robe
and have you banished to a black site.

- [buzzes]
- Ah!

[grunts]

You're right, Oprah. I'm a liar,

which is why
the only way I could deceive you

was to tell the truth. [laughs]

You truth-telling son of a bitch.
How did you know the answer?

The Robes love a bull market.

And I should know. I'm about to be one!

- [laughs]
- [grunts]

- [screams]
- [door creaks]

[dramatic music plays]

Jesus, I've seen potato clocks
with more RAM.

- [Brett] Reagan, we know you're in there!
- Guys, we need some time to find the mole.

I don't wanna hurt anyone.

You already have, Reagan.
You already have!

I'm gonna need something to hold them off.

Dad, is there anything in here

that is not a computer
the size of a house?

The animatronic cryptids.
Our first generation of conspiracies

just had that charm
of practical effects, huh?

[yells] Freedom!

- [computer beeping]
- Try me, dolphin.

[cryptids screaming and growling]

You don't know who you're f*cking with.
I'm the man who k*lled disco.

- [disco music playing]
- [all grunting and yelling]

- [grunts]
- [shrieks]

- [grunts]
- Go for the jugular, Reagan.

Show no mercy.

- ♪ Come on and dance ♪
- [disco song ends]

Dad, these are my friends.

I'm Brett's emergency contact.

Maybe he could call you
after you m*rder him. [grunts]

I'm not murdering anyone!

I am not that kind of boss!

[cryptids power down]

I'm the mole.

[all] What?

I mean, not really.

But we're all about to die
because we can't find the mole.

I have to take this one for the team

so there can be a team.

[sighs]

Take me to Shadow prison.

- Reagan, no, sweetie.
- There's gotta be another option.

Well, I can't choose
between my family and my friends.

I'm choosing to be a good boss
the only way I know how.

[beeping]

The surveillance footage.

You'll see I wasn't the mole.

The mole was...

[all gasp] Holy sh*t.

[dramatic music plays]

Bear-o's the mole?

- [electricity crackling]
- [Bear-o] It's okay, Reagan.

Do you need a hug?

[dramatic music crescendos, ends]

[mysterious music playing]