09x22 & 09x23 - The Most Dangerous Game / Bone Hunters

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[Beavis and Butt-Head laughing]

- And then he told me that
when you're on a camping trip,

if someone's asleep
and you put their hand

in a bowl of warm water, they,
like, pee in their sleep.

- Uh, really?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
like, right in their pants.

It really works.
They pee their pants, yeah.

[both laughing]

- Are you feeling
sleepy, Beavis?

- Yeah, yeah, a little.

- Uh, wait here.
[chuckling]

[door opens]

[objects clattering]

[water running]

[water stops]

Let me help you get
comfortable, Beavis.

- Oh, thanks, yeah.

- You can use this bag
of potato chips as a pillow.

- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, it's pretty cozy.
Yeah.

Oh, still some stuff
in there, too.

Wow, good stuff.

- There we go, Beavis.

You just relax.

- You know, I think I will.
Yeah.

- Nice deep breaths, Beavis.

- [sighs] I might just rest my
eyes for a little bit,

if that's okay.

- You go right ahead, Beavis.

Relax, deeper and deeper,
way down.

[chuckles]

Count backwards from--

Uh, never mind that, Beavis.

Just relax.
[chuckles]

- Okay.

What a day, what a day.

[chuckles, sighs] Hmm.

Hey!

Are you trying to make me
pee my pants?

- Perhaps.
[chuckles]

- Um, wait here.
[chuckling]

[objects clattering]

[water running, Beavis humming]

Pee his pants.
[snickers]

- Well played, Beavis.

- We'll see who falls
asleep first, Butt-Head.

- Yes, we will, Beavis.

Yes, we will.

We are playing
the most dangerous game.

And the loser pees their pants.

[snickering]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Whoa!

- I can't tell you
how easy that was.

- Did you see that?

- I sure did.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yeah.

- Boy, this guy really hates bamboo.

- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I hate it, too.

Yeah, yeah, chop it off.
Yeah!

- Yes, get it.

both: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Get it. - Yeah.

- This guy must score so hard.

- That's what I love about
this Chinese w*r sword.

- I want this job right here. Yeah.

Do you think you need,
like, good grades

to be a sword chopper?

- Uh, I don't think so.

He looks pretty stupid.

- Stupid people kick ass.

- I love it.

The Chinese w*r sword
by Cold Steel.

- The Chinese w*r sword, yeah.

- [chuckles] Who's this doofus?

- Yeah, yeah, really.

I think that's, like, that guy's son or something.

[chuckles]

- He's a disgrace
to the family.

[both snickering]

- Well, son, if you get fired from Subway,

there's always a place for you here slicing cow heads.

Don't worry about it.

- That basketball k*lled his entire family.

[chuckles]

- They ought to k*ll all
the sports, you know?

Yeah, they should k*ll,
like, baseball and football

and stretching and climbing
that rope, you know?

Whoa, whoa, look!

Yeah. Yeah, there you go. There you go.

Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

- This is the coolest video

I have ever seen in my entire life.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they should put a thing
at the beginning that says

"Definitely try this at home."

- "And do not ask
your parents' permission."

- 'Cause it kicks ass. Yeah.

- Good morning, Beavis.

- Um, yeah, good morning.

- You were up all night.
You must be feeling very tired.

- Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, in fact, I'm so tired
that if you go to sleep first,

I'll go to sleep, too,

and I will not put
your hand, like,

in this bowl that's on my lap.

Yeah.
[chuckles]

- Oh, really?
- Absolutely, yeah.

And that's the truth.

And it's not just me, like,
lying or something, you know?

It's completely true,
from the bottom of my heart.

[chuckles]

- Nice try, Beavis,
but the game continues.

- Okay, there are how many kinds of rocks?

Three kinds of rocks, okay?

There's igneous...

sedimentary,

and meta what?
- [snickering]

- [shouts]

- Anybody?

Meta...?

Okay, it's metamorphic.

Those are
the three kinds of rocks.

[school bell ringing]

- Ugh!
[chuckles]

[both groaning]

[both groaning]

Damn it, Beavis,
this has gone too far.

We've been up
for two nights in a row.

That's, like, ten
straight hours or something.

- Yeah, I'm getting
kind of tired, Bergman.

What's your name, again?
- Uh, I don't know.

That sounded right.

- Cool.

- Beavis, it is time for peace.

Let's pour out our bowls
of warm water

and have, like, one
of those truce things.

- Yeah, truce thing.
Yeah.

- Eh...

one, two, three.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles, groans softly]

I am kind of tired
or something.

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

Me too.
[chuckles]

- [snoring]
- [chuckling]

- Yeah.

[snoring]

- [chuckling]

Eh...

- Damn it.

- Um, Beavis?
Butt-Head?

- [muttering]

Sounds reasonable.

- I'm beginning to get
concerned that the two of you

aren't getting
enough rest, okay?

It seems like you're coming
to class fatigued,

and it's affecting
your ability to concentrate.

- [muttering]

- Beavis, where are you going?
- Just go over--

- Beavis?
- [muttering]

[body thuds]
- I think he's sleepwalking.

- [muttering]
Ah!

[locker clangs]
- Yes!

I'm going to make
him pee in his pants.

[chuckles]

- [muttering]

- Hey!
- Yeah, sorry about that.

- [snickering]

- [muttering]

[tires screeching,
horn honking]

- Come back here with your hand

and, like, stand
in one place, dumbass.

- They don't stand
right there, you know?

Ah!

[muttering]
[whistle blows]

[continues muttering]

- Damn it, stay in one place,
dumbass.

Hold still.
[chuckles]

- Now, it's dangerous to wake
a sleepwalker, so we need--

Oh.
- [muttering]

See bed, yeah.
There we go.

- Ah, finally...

[chuckling]

Victory is mine.

[chuckles]

[both sigh]

[liquid trickling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Today we're talking about fossils.

Okay?

And a fossil, class,
is really just another name

for an ancient bone.

[Beavis and Butt-Head
snickering]

But what you may not know

is that these bony messengers
from the past

can be found
in our own backyard.

Recently, not far from here,
a Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton

was found
by amateur bone hunters.

- Beavis' mom
is an amateur bone hunter.

- Shut up, Butt-Head.
That's not funny.

- And while they may not have
the glitz

of popular youth culture,

dinosaur exhibits bring in
millions of dollars

for the American
Paleontological Foundation--

- Uh, sir?
Sir! Hey!

What was the part
about a million dollars?

- More like millions,
Butt-Head.

You know, a good research
project would be to find--

- Beavis, our hard work
in school is about to pay off.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, finally.

Jesus.
[chuckles]

- Eh, sorry, Butt-Head.

Anderson only had one shovel.

- One is all we need, Beavis.

Now start digging.

Van Driessen said we'd find
them in our own backyard.

[chuckles]

[shovel clanking]

- [grunting]

- Um, I don't see
any bones, Butt-Head.

- Beavis, you wuss.

You're not digging good.

Step aside.

You got to put your back
into it, dumbass, like this.

Beavis, we'll find
no dinosaurs here.

If it's this hard
for us to dig,

there's no way the dinosaurs
could have dug their houses

with those wimpy little
kangaroo arms.

- Oh, yeah.
[both chuckling]

[shovel scraping]

- Uh, those dumbass bones got
to be in somebody's backyard.

- Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, a bone!

It's just like that
dinosaur bone we saw in class

but newer.

That butt-munch dog
stole our idea.

Damn it.

Come on, give it.
[dog growling]

It's mine.

What are you going to do

with a million dollars,
butthole?

[dog growling]

- Whoa, bones.

- Yeah, we don't
even have to dig.

- That stupid dog did
all our work for us.

He even put them in bags.

- Yeah, there's still
some dinosaur on this one.

Not bad really.

Wait, what's this show called?

- Uh, this is "Ghosted."
[chuckles]

- So is there a ghost on that chair?

[chuckles] - No.

That dude there, he like, ghosted her.

And so now they're going to like, find out why

and then work it out
or something,

or settle it in the cage
or something.

- Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you like,
spend the holidays with me?

I was your girlfriend.

- Boy, she must have done something

really bad for him to ghost her.

- Yeah, she probably like, k*lled his dog

and slapped his mom and stuff, you know?

And even then though,

I still don't think
I'd ghost her, Butt-Head.

- [sighs] - Yeah, this better be good.

- This is really embarrassing.

- We got to pay attention.

- The real reason
I ghosted you, Giovanna,

is because you're a sex addict.

- What?

- Uh, what? [chuckles]

- Wait, wait, wait a second.
Whoa, whoa. [chuckles]

You know, it almost
sounded like he said

she wants to have sex too much,

and that's why he broke up with her.

- Uh, that can't be right.

- Girl, you're like
a [bleep] rabbit.

Like, you just [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep], [bleep],

[bleep], [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep].

- Wait, he is!
He is complaining!

- You're pathetic. - What?

- You're for real pathetic. - He's complaining about that?

- This is the dumbest dude
I've ever seen in my life.

- Oh, he's not just dumb, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

He's a lousy son of a bitch!
Yeah.

- He sure is.
- How dare he!

I mean, some of us,
you know, like me,

don't have any sex, ever.

And he's sitting there with his man bun

and complaining about
having too much sex?

- Jesus Christ.

- Multiple times
a day, every day.

- I don't know what
number multiple is,

but it's better than zero.

- Exactly.

- There's starving kids
in poor countries,

and they probably get to score,
but I don't.

And look at this guy. Who does he think he is?

- For once, I'm not going to say settle down, Beavis.

You're absolutely right.

- I hate him!
I hate him, Butt-Head!

[screaming]

[glass shatters]

Shut up!
- That's right, Beavis.

- Shut up!
[screams]

Shut up, you butt monkey!
- Kick his ass.

- [screams]

- Lousy son of a bitch.
Teach him a lesson.

- [grunting]
- There you go.

- You don't want to score?

Well, how about not scoring
with some of this?

- Yes.
- [grunts]

[sighs]

- That's how you
take care of that.

- That'll teach him a lesson.

- [chuckles]
That was cool.

- Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, I just really hated him,
Butt-Head, you know?

[both chuckle]

- We don't have a TV anymore.
[chuckles]

- Why not?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[metallic scraping]
[both grunting]

- So let's, like,
assemble the bones.

[chuckles]

- Um, are there instructions
or something?

- I don't see any.

- They must have fell out
of the bag or something.

- We don't need instructions,
asswipe.

I know plenty about dinosaurs.

Now, this is an ass bone.
[chuckles]

[both chuckle]

- How's it look?
[chuckles]

- Uh...

pretty realistic.

Hmm, it feels like
it's missing something though.

- Like what?

- Uh...

oh, yeah.

[both chuckling]

I shall call you Bonersaurus.

- The mighty Bonersaurus.

[both chuckling]

- Beavis,
it's going to be hard for us

not to make a million dollars.

[chuckles]

- Come see the dinosaur.

It's a real skeleton
of a dinosaur monster.

Yes, sir.
[chuckles]

- And then, like,
visit the gift shop.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

We've got a t-shirt
that says "Bonersaurus"

and then like,
Butt-Head's retainer,

and that's, like, a bra
I found in a parking lot once.

- Come see the
ancient Bonersaurus.

- Oh, my God.
Pull over, pull over.

Look at this.

- Step right up.
- Hey, you.

- That is too perfect.

- Let's get a picture,

and then we'll
get the hell out of here.

- Come see the Bonersaurus.

- Come check out our museum
that's going to make us rich.

- Did you make this?

- Uh, yeah,
this is Bonersaurus.

Would you like to see it
for $ ?

- Yes, we'd love to see it.
Here you go.

- Welcome to our museum.

Hundreds of years ago,

Bonersaurus walked the land,
k*lling everything in sight,

and scoring
with chick dinosaurs.

- Yeah,
its name was Bonersaurus,

which means saurus
that has a boner.

[chuckles]
- And this ends our tour.

Please exit through
the gift shop.

- And buy some stuff.

[camera shutter clicks]

- I have to post this
right now.

[both chuckling]

- Um, how much money have
we made so far, Butt-Head?

- Uh, let's see here.

One, two--uh...

it's like $ or, like,
a million or something.

- Kickass.

What are you going to
buy with your half?

- Half?

Boner-saurus was my idea,
Beavis.

- No way.

It was my idea,
and I built most of it!

- Well, I stuck on the boner.
[chuckles]

And that's what everybody's
here to see.

- Damn it, Butt-Head.

Now, I'm going
to take the boner...

- No, you're not.
- And build my own Bonersaurus!

And mine is going
to be all boners

with none of that dumb stuff
like arms! Yeah.

- Beavis,
if you touch my boner,

I swear to God I'm going--
- This boner is mine!

- Beavis, get your damn
hands off my boner.

[fist impacting]
- Make me!

[both grunting]

[chuckles]

[wind blows softly]

I guess the museum's closed,
Butt-Head.

- The age of the mighty
Bonersaurus is over.

Perhaps in a hundred years,
people will find these bones

and say, "Once long ago,
there was a dinosaur

that had a boner or something."

I don't know.
[chuckles]

This is stupid.
[chuckles]

Why did we even do this?

- Makes you think. [chuckles]
It really makes you think.

[both chuckling]

[dog growling]

- Chirp.