05x10 - The Dog Days of Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Oh, come on. How hard is it?

There's three letters left.

"Walk in the pool".

- [Ding]

- "Walk in the park"?

The club we were playing at

had bad electrical and a

a leaky roof.

Yeah.

As soon as my bass player

started screaming,

I thought he was just rocking out.

Turns out he was being electrocuted.

No. No, he's fine. He's fine.

He kind of enjoyed it.

Okay, Mom, I gotta go. Bye. Bye.

- You had to be talking to my mom.

- Your mom is dead.

Still more likely to call you

than your mom.

Yeah, it's like once every 10 years.

But, you know, ever since

my brother Aaron d*ed,

she's been reaching out more.

Wish I'd gone first.

Then she'd be bugging him.

I'm glad your tour brought you

home for a couple of nights.

I've been missing you

the last three weeks.

Yeah.

I can't believe it's only half over.

And the next eight weeks are all

these clubs in the boonies.

Wow.

I've never heard you complain

about the road before.

Usually, you come home

all jacked up from performing

and try to have your way with me.

[Sighs]

- Where's that Louise?

- [Chuckles]

She's b*rned out.

You know, I still love playing music,

but being away from home

and driving all those miles,

trying to get deadbeat

promoters to pay us

- it's getting old.

- Doesn't sound like any walk in the pool.

It's a very common expression.

Oh, God.

I haven't seen you in weeks,

and I come in

and the first thing I do is complain.

Hey, honey, you don't have to apologize.

You've been out there busting your ass

most of your adult life.

- Everybody hangs it up at some point.

- Mm.

Not Willie Nelson.

Well, Willie doesn't even

know where he is.

He thinks there's 3,000 people

in his living room.

[Chuckles]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

"The Conners" is recorded

before a live studio audience.

Where'd you get all these decorations?

I stole them from Dad's house,

'cause that's what Christmas

is all about.

It's the season of giving,

even if you don't know you are.

Well, next time you're at Dad's,

steal something good for

Emilio's wedding this weekend.

I haven't gotten him a gift yet.

Oh, well, do you think his new bride

will like an old heating pad

or a chipped bowling ball?

Look, since you're going,

just put my name on

whatever crap you find.

Oh, but wrap it nice.

He's the father of my child.

Just you showing up should be enough.

You got him a green card and a kid.

You're not gonna top that

with an air fryer.

I'm sending Beverly Rose

to go without me.

It's humiliating going to

your ex-husband's wedding

without a date.

If I did go, you know that that bouquet

would hit me right in the head

and everyone would say,

"Maybe she won't die alone after all."

I threw mine at you hoping

that they would say that,

but all they said was,

"The hot one should be marrying

Ben, not the sad one."

People are still saying that.

Beverly Rose, come on!

- Time to go to school!

- [Panting]

- Why are you dressed like that?

- Woof! I'm a dog.

And you're a cute one, but you

can't wear that to picture day.

Woof!

I'm serious, Beverly Rose.

You gotta go change.

[Growls] I'm not Beverly Rose.

I'm Pancake.

Aww, that is such a cute dog name.

- Good girl.

- Stop that!

Look, this is your first

school picture, sweetheart,

and it's got to tell the world

that Mommy's doing

a great job raising you.

Otherwise, there's no point in it.

I thought the point is that Pancake

will have an enduring memory

that she can show her puppies

when she's older.

- Beverly Rose, go change.

- [Whimpers]

- Beverly Rose, we're going to be late.

- Not her name.

Fine. Come on, Pancake.

Let's go for a ride.

Open the window

so she can stick her head out.

They like to feel their jowls

flap in the wind.

This was so nice. Thank you.

That candle smells really pretty.

When did you get it?

- It's my bathroom candle.

- [Knock on door]

Who the hell knocks on the door

at this time of night?

[Groans] If it's a burglar,

stall him until I can

get renter's insurance.

Oh, my God. It's worse than a burglar.

It's my mother.

Surprise!

Mom, what are you doing here?

You sounded so down about your career

that I thought you might just need

a little bit of Mom's famous

Apple Brown Betty

to cheer you up!

[Chuckles] Well, okay. Uh, come on in.

Dan, this is my mother, Doris.

Uh, Mom, this is Dan.

He's the guy I married at that

wedding you didn't come to.

I wanted to, but your father

wouldn't let me.

He said, "If we're gonna

drive all the way to Chicago,

we're going to go see the Bean

and not Louise shacking up

with some drywaller."

Charmed, I'm sure.

It really is nice to

finally meet you, Doris.

And Betty and I go way back.

So, Mom, w what what's going on?

You didn't drive all the way

from Wisconsin

just to bring me dessert.

Well, I can't just stop by?

Uh, it's only a few hours away.

I know my night vision is

not as good as it used to be,

but I find if I stay to the right

of the oncoming headlights, I'm fine.

What about pedestrians

and bicycle riders?

- You feel any bump-bumps on the way over?

- [Chuckling] No.

I could drive over a marching band

- and not feel a thing in that RV.

- You and Daddy got an RV?

I mean, you were having

so much trouble on the tour

that I made him buy it so that I could

make your life a little bit

better on the road.

- You're giving me an RV to drive on tour?

- No.

I'm gonna keep you company.

I'm driving so you can relax.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Nothing more soothing than a blind woman

trying to keep a small house

out of oncoming traffic.

Yeah, so, uh, after all this time,

you and Daddy are finally

okay with my career?

Well, I am. He's not. I don't care.

After your brother d*ed,

I did some soul-searching

and I realized I should have

stood up to your dad and supported you.

And if he didn't like it, too bad.

Just think, no more crummy hotels,

and you won't have to

worry about promoters.

I'll make sure you get paid.

[Laughing]

That's a sweet thought, Doris,

but some of those club owners

can be pretty rough.

How are you gonna get

the money out of them?

[Chuckles] No problem.

[Exaggerated elderly voice]

"Oh, somebody help me.

Oh, this man won't give me my money,

and if I don't have money

for my medicine,

they're going to take my foot."

Whoa. That was really good.

I really thought she was

gonna lose her foot.

- [Chuckles]

- You know, this is crazy.

Dan and I were just talking

about me getting off the road.

Yeah, Louise is kind of over it.

Unfortunate timing.

Yeah, but if I could

just play and not hassle

with all this other stuff,

it might go back to being fun.

Y You know what's super fun?

Is caroling and

Christmas puppies and rum.

I could get a candle that

just stays in the living room.

- You wanna see the RV?

- Yeah, I do.

Honey, don't worry.

I'll take a break from the road

and come home for Christmas.

This is crazy. I got my mom back, Dan.

[♪]

- [Knock on door] Hi.

- Oh, hey, Jackie.

- [Door closes]

- Wow.

Word of mouth really got out

about this place.

Well, Lunch Box is closed on Mondays

and Neville's at a vet conference.

He's presenting a new tool

for expressing a**l glands.

So if you still use your fingers

now, you're just a weirdo.

What are you doing here?

I'm avoiding our mother-in-law.

Oh, man. Oh, she must be

some piece of work,

'cause Neville would rather

squeeze a dog's ass

in Des Moines than be here

while she's here.

All I know is Louise has

only talked to her mother

like four times in three decades

since they fought about her music,

then out of the blue,

the woman shows up with an RV

to go on tour with her.

That's weird, right?

- Oh, yeah. Something going on there.

- I don't know.

I've seen you ever day for years

and you never get me anything.

Some people would say that's weird.

There you go. Dry your eyes with that.

Where's Beverly Rose?

I got her a flower girl dress

for the wedding.

Look how cute it is.

Yeah, that's really sweet.

I don't know if she's gonna put it on.

She's still a dog.

I think when she sees this, all

that dog nonsense will be over.

Pancake! Come here, girl!

- [Whistles]

- [Panting]

Hey, sweetie.

Look what I bought you to

wear to your dad's wedding.

- Isn't it gorgeous?

- [Sniffs]

You want to try it on?

- [Growling]

- Beverly Rose, stop that!

- Pancake! Leave it!

- [Growling]

Leave it!

Sorry, I'm just trying to

work with what I got here.

You cannot be a dog at

your father's wedding.

You're a little girl, and it's

time for you to act like that.

- It's enough now.

- [Whining]

Anybody want a kid?

She's been doing this for days,

and the wedding's this weekend.

I don't know what to do.

Worst comes to worst, she doesn't go.

Tell people you left

the gate open and she got out.

Would you guys knock it off?

It's really upsetting when

you can't control your kid.

She could have distemper.

Has she had her sh*ts?

[Laughter]

- Aw.

- I think we might have crossed the line.

Well, yeah.

That's where all the fun is,

on the other side of the line.

[♪]

Boy, that is some beautiful

RV you got out there.

That's a big investment for eight weeks.

You and Louise could go

for months in that thing.

Mm-hmm. From your mouth to God's ears.

Every parent's dream.

I hope you don't mind, but

I got the keys from Louise

and went inside and took a look.

I really like that captain's chair.

I felt like a white trash

Captain Picard.

I also found something

interesting in there.

It's the registration for the RV.

You said you and your husband

bought it together,

but it's only got your name on it.

It's the 21st century.

Women are allowed to own things, Hagar.

Yeah, but why did you put

it in your maiden name?

Oh, God, tell me what's on your mind.

It couldn't take long.

You're lying to Louise.

You didn't come because you

wanted to support her music,

and you never stood up to your husband.

You're here because you k*lled him.

I love cop shows.

I just always wanted to say that.

Seriously, what the hell's

going on, Doris?

Okay, if you have to know,

my husband left me, and it's

none of your business.

I know that you and her dad splitting up

is definitely Louise's business,

and you got all up in my business

by trying to take my wife away

so you wouldn't be alone.

I'll admit it.

I tried to make

the wrong relationship work

and now I'm alone.

You've had her for a few years, Dan.

I haven't had her for 30.

Can't you spare a few?

I get being alone. I lost a spouse.

But at my age, time is precious,

and I want to spend all of it

that I can with Louise.

At your age?

Did you have your third birthday party

ruined by the Hindenburg disaster?

Did you ever try to get kids to

pin the tail on the donkey

when some yo-yo on the radio is

yelling, "Oh, the humanity"?!

Look, we both know what's going on.

Do the right thing.

- Hey.

- If you have more jokes about

what a terrible mother/dog owner I am,

- save them.

- I know.

Look, I just wanted to let you know

that every parent goes through

something like this.

I mean, Mom went through almost

the same exact thing with me.

Remember when I kept barking

in fifth grade?

Yeah, I remember.

I kept asking people,

"Who's that weird only child

that happens to share

my very common last name?"

Well, I remember Mom

asking me why I was doing it

and I said it was because I was

bored in class, but I lied.

About what?

Well, everybody had to get up

and give an oral report

on what their family did

for summer vacation.

Was that the year that Dad

put the plastic liner

in the back of the pickup

and filled it with water?

Yeah, and then he drove it

to the park and said,

- "You kids enjoy the lake."

- [Laughs]

So I pretended to be a dog

to avoid having to get up

in front of my entire class

to tell everybody that my family

spent their summer vacation

- in the back of a truck.

- Okay.

So what's Beverly Rose avoiding?

I don't know. I just had the story.

A good mom would figure that out.

Alright, it wasn't school,

because she went and took the picture.

- Mm-hmm.

- Um, she's never had more playdates.

The only thing that she didn't like

was the flower girl dress. Holy crap.

- It's Emilio's wedding.

- Hmm.

She doesn't want to see

her dad get married

- to someone other than her mommy.

- Oh, my God.

It would k*ll Emilio

if she wasn't there.

I got to talk to her.

I gotta tell her it's okay

to have two mommies.

One that loves her,

and one that's Daddy's sad

little consolation prize.

And that's when Louise

almost got on "Star Search".

[Laughs]

Wow, Doris, we have really taken

a stroll down memory lane.

But I would love to hear that story

- you started telling me earlier.

- Oh, that old thing?

I I don't think anyone's

really interested in that.

- Uh, I am.

- I could tell it,

but I don't think I could

do it as good as you.

Well, now that you've built it all up,

I don't think it could possibly

measure up to that hype.

Okay, um your father left me.

- You know, Elvis bought me a Coke once.

- W W Wait.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Dad left me for a woman

with both her original hips.

She also does Pilates,

which is kinda slutty.

- Well, w when did this happen?

- Last year.

Yeah, but we've been talking

on the phone, and you

you've been here for two days

and you've said nothing.

I I was going to tell you

when we were out on the road.

You mean in the RV you used to trick me

into thinking you were

supporting my music career?

I do support your career.

And now that Dad's gone,

I've got the time to show you.

No. This isn't about me.

It's about you.

And now that Dad's gone, you're lonely.

That's the only reason you're here.

Look, I know I handled this badly,

but I believe that you and I

You and I are nothing,

just like we always were.

Okay, why don't we take a breath?

I made a mistake.

Can't we move past it?

A mistake is, "Oops,

I spilled something on the rug,"

not "I'm disowning

my 18-year-old daughter

for wanting to play rock 'n' roll."

Here, let me return the favor.

Pack your stuff and get out.

Honey, I know you're upset,

but do you really want to

throw your mom out?

What, now you're taking her side?

No, I'm remembering how excited you were

when you thought you had her back.

You only get one mom.

I regret to inform you that that's her.

Wow, Dan. I'm speechless.

Maybe you go on tour together

for a few months and

and work everything out.

[Sighs]

Y You know what makes

your wife happy?

Keep it G-rated. Your mom's right there.

You.

And I want to spend as much

time as I can with you.

But you're right.

I'm gonna finish the tour.

But then it's you and me forever.

Oh, back off. You're so clingy.

And if you wanna drive me around

and cook for me on tour, fine.

But you're gonna have to

carry my amps, too.

Sure.

If you're good, I'm good.

- I'm good.

- Yeah.

Maybe when you come back for Christmas,

you could stay at the house.

It's usually a lot more festive,

but my daughter stole

all of my decorations,

which is weird,

because she's an atheist.

They don't want anybody to be happy.

Oh, uh, I thought you were at work.

Ah, Darlene, this is Doris,

Louise's mother.

- Hi.

- Hi.

What's in the box?

I brought you some

Christmas decorations.

[Imitating Joseph Welch]

Have you no shame, Senator?

Nah, not much.

That's the beauty of being an atheist.

I don't have to follow

your commandments.

I can lie, I can steal, I can

covet till the cows come home.

Merry Christmas and goodbye.

I think I know why you're a dog.

- You do?

- Yeah.

A dog can't wear a dress

and go to a wedding.

Are you upset about Daddy

getting married?

Kind of.

Are you afraid that Gabriela

is gonna replace Mommy?

- No.

- Are you sure?

Because Mommy had a big speech planned

about how no one can replace Mommy.

It's a great speech.

No.

Then why don't you want to

go to the wedding?

Because I heard you say you didn't

want to go to Daddy's wedding

- because it would make you sad.

- Oh, sweetie.

I didn't say that.

I didn't want to go

because I don't have a date.

But the most important thing is,

Daddy wants you to be there

on his special day.

- I'm not going unless you go.

- [Sighs]

This is why people take dogs

back to the shelter.

I'll go.

But you know what I want you

to whisper really loudly

when Gabriela walks down the aisle?

"You're so much prettier than her"?

I am raising you right!

Welcome to The Lunch Box.

We're having a special

today for the holidays.

It's a sandwich that we call

the Ho-Ho-Hoagie.

- Jackie?

- Yeah.

- I'm Doris. I'm Neville and Louise's mom.

- Oh. Okay.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

I don't know whether Dan told you,

but I'm going on tour with Louise,

and I thought when I'm done,

Neville might be interested

in going on a road trip to

see all the zoos in America.

Mm-hmm. Um

Don't you dare try and pull

that crap with me, honey,

'cause I have danced with

the devil in the pale moonlight.

You mess with my marriage, I end you.

So, uh you want me to

call you "Mom" or what?