01x07 - Me-Time

[bunniefuu]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Rachel? Hi.

What are you doing here?
Didn't you move to New Jersey?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Do you think she's gonna win?

People really hate her.

Rachel!

What happened?

- What do you mean?
- You've been gone.

You left...

Toby has been looking for you.

Y-Your kids have been looking for you.

You disappeared.

Uh... Can I ask you something?

Yeah. [SIGHS]

I can't find my phone.

- And...
- Okay.

I keep trying to ascertain...

How many days are in July?

I always forget that.

Um... [PHONE UNLOCKS]

I'm just... I'm gonna call Toby.

No! Don't!

No. I'm... I feel like...

You know what? Let me just...

Let me just eat something. [CHUCKLES]

Um, I feel like I need some protein.

Right. Um...

Ri... Just one... one second.

- [PHONE CLICKING]
- LIBBY: "Delayed further."

Be home later. Sorry. Will explain."

[MESSAGE BLOOPS]

Um...

Why don't I just take you home?

Okay, sure. Yeah. No. It... It'd be...

It'd be good to catch up. [CHUCKLES]

♪

♪

Uh...

I-I wasn't expecting anyone.

RACHEL: Um...

You know what it's like. Heh.

♪

Uh, do you... do you want some coffee?

I'm fine.

[OBJECTS SHUFFLING]

♪

[CRASH]

I'm okay! [SIGHS]

Sorry. I just dropped it. [CHUCKLES]

Um, I haven't used it in so long.

Um, I-I haven't been
drinking coffee, so...

Uh... What is going on?

There are so many parts to this!

Rachel.

I-I also have all this tea.

It might be easier.

I, um... I bought all this tea

'cause I was having
a hard time sleeping,

but all it did was just keep me
in the bathroom all night.

I feel like I-I don't know
where my toaster is,

but... but I do have some bread.

Rachel.

I want to be honest with you.

I don't think I-I can make you
coffee right now.

That's okay. Uh...

Do... Do you want to sit down?

Okay. Let's...

Why don't you just tell me
what's going on?

W-What do you mean?

I won't tell anybody
if you don't want me to.

I just... I want to help.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I got dumped.

Yeah. By who?

By everyone. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I g-guess
I got dumped by everyone.

I don't understand.

So she started talking.

At first, she didn't make sense.

And she wasn't always coherent.

She definitely did not tell me anything

in the correct chronological order,

and it started a lot earlier
than three weeks ago.

But in the end, I understood it.

What happened was that Rachel was busy.

She was busier than she'd ever been.

It was last year...
Months before Toby started

asking Rachel for a divorce,

back when they were still holding on.

Yeah? Here's my counter. [HEADSET BEEPS]

[DOOR OPENS]

SIMONE: Sam Rothberg on the line?

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES] To what do I owe
this rare pleasure?

SAM: Hey, you! [CHUCKLES]

I have a huge favor to ask.

Uh, my nephew is dying to get an agent.

And he just... Look,
he just played Judas

in Godspell at Wesleyan.
He was really good.

- Oh, wonderful.
- That is not true.

He was... fine.

[CHUCKLES] Well, Godspell is terrible.

[CHUCKLES] It is.
Anyway, I was wondering...

Be honest if I'm asking too much here...

Do you think you might
be able to meet with him

and talk to him about the business?

It would just be huge for him.

Oh, sure I will.

Um, I-I also know a casting director

he could maybe go and sit with
for a while.

Uh, why don't you give him my number?

That's so great. I guess
it's like everything else.

It's... It's who you know, yeah?

LIBBY: So she said yes,
because she always said yes.

She didn't have time to be on committees

and she didn't come
from prestigious stock

and she didn't have a house
in Zermatt or whatever,

but she was useful.

Useful had worked for her so far.

Then, a month later...

I just honestly feel like I'm
wasting my time at this point.

Why don't you circle back wh...

No. I'm in the middle of...

Hi, there.

Um, I-I gotta go, Joe.

Circle back when you start making sense.

[HEADSET BEEPS]

Uh, what are you doing here?

I had to thank you myself.

Ohh! This is totally unnecessary!

Are you kidding me? You just
helped that kid leapfrog, like,

entire steps in his career.

Much to his parents' disappointment.

You're amazing. No. Really.

I know so few people who could
get something like that done.

I rarely see that kind of efficiency.

Well, Toby says if medicine

were as well-run a machine
as this office,

"doctors could afford
to be doctors again."

Heh. Totally.

You know, doctors are the real heroes.

Yeah.

Um, come. Sit down.

Hm!

Wow. Look at this view.

I just had a thought.

We're trying to find a doctor to
run our new cannabis division.

You did this great thing for me.

I could push Toby to
the head of the line easy.

Toby?

Salary starts with a mill,
then the bonus.

You get the keys to the Vail house.

Oh. Um, I don't know.

Um, you should ask him.

He's got this whole thing
about "patient interface."

He's not likely to say yes.

I'm gonna ask him. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, are you... almost done for the day?

You want to get a drink?

Was it weird that her best
school-mom-friend's husband

was at her office?

Um... [CHUCKLES] I can't.

I've... I've got too much to do here.

Was it weird that he wanted
to go out with her?

Do you have a curfew? [CHUCKLES]

Yes.

Good, crazy, but...

Yes, it was. Yeah.

Rachel had met Miriam Rothberg

in a Mommy and Me Class
six years earlier.

After a lifetime of shallow
friendships that never endured,

Rachel had been determined
to play it cool

so that the stench of her desperation

could no longer be detected.

MIRIAM: She should
have been the nominee.

Sam says he doesn't like her voice,

but, what, you need to like her voice?

Honestly! [SCOFFS]

We flew with them private
to the Tennessee fundraiser that fall...

Miriam had the line on nursery schools,

on the concierge pediatrician
who gave you his cell.

She was on the board of everything.

Her family fortune came from a
dubious pharmaceutical company.

They're pretty litigious.
I shouldn't say their name.

Well, I was going to send her to Spence

because I went there,
but then I had a boy

and I want them to go
to the same school,

so I was thinking Lois Francis
instead maybe?

Miriam was so far ahead of the game

that private-school applications
were just a formality.

What are you doing right now?

[SIGHS] I have to get back to work.

I have an agency. I'm an agent.
A theater agent.

What?! [CHUCKLES]

That is so interesting!
Actors, writers, what?

Oh, everyone. Yeah.
I-I represent the team

- Lindenblatt, Silberman and Wadler...
- Okay.

...from Camps Come Here.

And Loenberg, the singer.
Do you remember Alejandra Lopez?

- Remind me?
- The Suffrage Monologues?

Yes! Right! What's she doing
now? I love the theater.

Yeah, no, she's, um...
She's developing something.

It's pretty incredible.
I shouldn't say more.

God, I just want to blow
off the rest of the day

and go see something.

Come with me.

Well... [SIGHS]
I should get back to work.

- The agency...
- You work every day?

I do. I work every day.

And the time I don't work
goes to the kids, so...

You need some you-time.

Ugh. Yeah.

You know, on an airplane,
the thing's going down,

you put your own oxygen mask on first

before you put it on the kids.

So... are we blowing off today or what?

I could get us tickets right now.

To anything you want.
Uh, yeah, let's do it.

Yay! Yeah.

Uh, let me just unplug a few things.

Okay. Great. I'll go home and change.

- Okay.
- Yes!

And suddenly, Rachel and Miriam
were friends.

WOMAN: Good. And lifting up.
Don't let that tailbone come up.

And then Miriam's friends
were Rachel's friends.

Pull together. [GRUNTS]

Three more times. And open wide.

Rachel had this whole little
Upper East Side g*ng.

[PHONE BUZZES]

It was a second full-time job,
but she was willing to work it.

[PHONE BUZZING]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Her mother had d*ed, and her grandmother

had sent Rachel
to a fancy Catholic school

even though they were poor
and her mother had been Jewish.

Everyone there was named Catherine,

and they took tennis lessons
and all seemed to know

each other from Nantucket or St. Moritz.

She understood that it wasn't
her lack of money and proximity

that made her an outsider.

It was that her lack
of proximity and money

created an outsider's
desperation in her.

But, also, sophistication is a language.

You're either born speaking it...

or you always speak with an accent.

But then... she met Toby.

[RACHEL LAUGHING]

So, I was, like, maybe
thinking that this would be

a good time for us to kiss?

Yeah? You want...

Toby couldn't hear her accent.

♪

So, where's your family from, Rachel?

RACHEL: We're from Baltimore.

But I don't have a lot of family.

My mother d*ed when I was young.

Um, cancer. She was a single mother.

That's so sad. Who raised you?

My grandmother.

SHARON: Ugh! That's terrible.

- No, it's okay.
- No.

It's too young to not have a mother.

I lost my mother last year.

I had her all this time,
and I still feel like an orphan.

I'm sorry.

You know, uh, you won't believe
who I ran into.

- Who?
- SISTER: Stu.

- Which Stu?
- Stu and Jessica.

SHARON: Stu and Jessica?! Oh, no!

Rachel had been saying
it was okay for so long.

Um, where's your bathroom?

SHARON: It's through there, dear.

You have to understand...
Rachel never had a family.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

You okay in there?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪

I'm great. [CHUCKLES]

RACHEL: You're doing amazing.

No, I know that. Yeah. You too. You too.

No. Okay. [LAUGHS]

- Wait.
- Yup.

- No. We need to take it that way.
- No. Wrong.

Nope, nope, nope. Wrong direction.

This is much heavier
than it looks. Okay!

This is the way to move forward
in life from here on out.

♪

It was true. She was great.

♪

[SIGHS] And then she wasn't.

I don't know. If you're not
progressing, if it were me,

I'd talk to the doctor
about pulling the plug

on this induction. Right?

No, I think we should
take a second and...

And catch our breath, okay?

Tell him you'll stay in the hospital.

Just tell him you'll do what he says.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hello in there!
- We heard you were here!

Get them away.

Yeah. Hi, guys. Hey. Come with me.

Yeah.

Um, did you hear from Dr. Goldberg?

I told you. I'm covering.

I've done this at least
five or six times before.

Okay. I... Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

My husband is... is, um, gonna, um...

D-Do you think that maybe
we should stop the induction?

Because my... my blood pressure is...

Is lower now, I'm not progressing,

I'm exhausted from the Stadol.

Um, it made me hallucinate
all night last night.

I didn't want the epidural yet.

Let's just see what's going on in there,

and then, if you're still
not progressing, we'll talk.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

Ow! [GASPS] Ow! Ow! Ow!

I-I-Is this... Is this
just supposed to be a...

Ow!

This is not an exam.

There is some leakage here.

Ow! Ow! Get me the hook.

What is he doing?! What are you doing?!

[GASPING]

Ow! Ow! f*ck!

What the f*ck are you
doing to me?! Stop it!

Hey, hey, hey! What the hell
is going on in here?!

RACHEL: [SOBBING] Stop it!

[SOBBING FADES]

♪

DR. ROMALINO: Scalpel.

♪

There she was, paralyzed...
Literally paralyzed...

Splayed out like she'd been crucified.

Everything in her told her
to get up and run,

to make a break for it.

But she couldn't.

Any power she ever thought
she had was suddenly gone.

TOBY: You're doing great, honey, okay?

♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ECHOING]

♪

TOBY: You're almost there.

♪

[BABY CRYING]

Oh, my God! It's... It's a girl!

Rachel! Rachel, it's a girl!

It was the worst day of her life.

[BABY COOS]

I think you should hold the baby

I still can't feel my legs.
It's not safe.

What if I have to run?

Okay.

Give her to me.

You want to go to Mommy now?

Okay. Okay, honey.

Okay. Your mommy.

Rachel looked down and knew

that the baby knew
what she was thinking.

[BABY COOS]

She knew... and would never forgive her.

♪

This was Rachel's introduction
to motherhood.

♪

[MAN ON P.A. SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪

You can go. I'm fine. Really.

[BABY COOING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪

♪

[RACHEL SOBBING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Ahh. Hey.

How... How was your day?

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

Hey, I'm not...
I'm not telling you what to do,

but I think you should...
I'm not going to a therapist.

...speak to someone. Okay.

[SIGHS]

I-I don't... I don't feel sad.

Just... crazy.

Like I'm a car stuck in a gear.

But awareness that I'm a car
stuck in a gear doesn't help.

See? I just... Just crazy.

Yeah, therapists deal with crazy.

So do psychiatrists.

That's, like... That's
their whole thing.

What's that?

Oh, yeah, somebody, uh...

Somebody from the agency
dropped this off.

These are so weird.

I'm glad they're already
training our daughter

for the fighting arts.

Hey. Come on. How about getting in touch

with one of your friends?

Everyone's working.

Those are not your friends.
Those are your colleagues.

What about the women
from the prenatal yoga?

You liked them, right? Why don't
you get in touch with them?

Get a coffee with them.

I'm gonna take Hannah for a walk, okay?

She had taken a prenatal yoga class,

and all the women kept
in touch on an e-mail chain.

Those had to be her friends. Right?

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

She had searched their e-mails
for signs that the birth

they'd had was the same
kind of nightmare she'd had.

But there was no indication.

The women joked that their
vaginas needed to bounce back,

their breasts needed to bounce back.

Would their abdomens ever bounce back?

[PHONE BEEPS AND BUZZES]

YOGA MOM # : "Can't.
We're in the Hamptons."

[PHONE BEEPS AND BUZZES]

"YOGA MOM # :" We're sleep-training.

I can't go anywhere. Sleeping emoji."

LIBBY: The phrase "bounce back"

seemed like it existed
to make fun of her.

There was no bouncing.

There was no back.

[HUSHED] It's Rachel.

Hey. We just got back from the Hamptons.

Oh, right. Well, we should...
We should get together.

We'll find a window.

It's just been so crazy
since she was born.

Well, I'll... I'll...
I'll see ya. [CHUCKLES]

YOGA MOM # : Okay. Bye.

The rejection nearly knocked her over.

♪

In the afternoons, she had a good hour

of Hannah sleeping
before Toby came home.

♪

She called that her me-time.

♪

[RACHEL SOBBING]

♪

But she was being funny.

I ruined her.

No, no. Don't say that. This is normal.

A lot of mothers go through this, honey.

♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Please, come in. Welcome, dear.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪

I kept trying to explain it

to my mother, but I couldn't.

She knew she hadn't been r*ped,
but when she saw that sign,

she knew that inside that room
would be people

who understood what
she'd been through...

Far more than the people
in a postpartum depression

support group would.

Would you like to share
anything with the group?

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

[STIFLED SOB]

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

[SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY]

You're okay.

[SOBBING CONTINUES]

It's okay.

[SOBBING SLOWS]

We understand.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hey. How was it?

It was fine. It was good.

You wanna talk about it?

Cannot do any more talking.

Now, there's my wife. [CHUCKLES]

♪

For a while, the world seemed
to have some light in it again.

♪

[WOMAN ON P.A. SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[BUTTON CLICKS]

But then, one day,
on the way to her group...

[BUTTON CLICKS]

[RACHEL BREATHING SHARPLY]

♪

"She had four floors to say
to him, "Look what you did.

Look what you did
to a perfectly good person!"

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

♪

But she didn't say anything.

What was it that he'd seen in her

that would make him think
that she would tolerate that?!

[BEEP]

[BEEP]

How had he looked at her... at Rachel...

And thought, "Now, there's
someone I can victimize"?

[DOORS OPEN]

♪

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

♪

[BEEP]

She wasn't a victim!

[THUD]

She was Rachel f*cking Fleishman!

♪

It fits, m*therf*ckers.

♪

She is so cute.

So when do you go back?

Funny you should ask.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

Remember when I met you?

That Edith Wilson musical
you wanted to do?

I can't stop thinking about it.

I see.

Crappy bar, far from
the theater district.

Secret meeting formed
without the use of assistants.

Rachel Fleishman,
are you leaving Alfooz?

[CHUCKLES] Matt is gonna sh*t himself.

You have so much talent
and such a singular vision,

and they put you in TV writers' rooms.

It's where the money is.

That's where the money is for
an agency that thinks small.

If you have a hit, that's
where the actual money is.

But a person has to believe
you have a hit.

And you know what?

She was right.

Every day, there was a new demand,

- a new client, a new assistant.
- I'm sorry.

You wouldn't have to apologize
if you'd been paying attention.

Someone had to be trained
or fired or poached

or visited in rehab.

It took up all her streams of attention

so that when she finally got home...

RACHEL: Hey, cutie.

TOBY: I thought you'd be home at : .

Oh, I was delayed.

Yeah, well, you didn't answer me today.

Oh, God. I don't even know
what happened today.

I-I'm sorry. What was it?

TOBY: [CHUCKLES] Passover.

Oh, well, y-you could have
called Simone.

I shouldn't have to call my wife
through an assistant.

She's got the schedule up.
H-Honestly, Toby.

Okay, well, you don't have to
call a nurse to get me on the phone.

TOBY: Well?

We can't go to your family's
for the whole week.

I've got previews. Maybe we
could just go for the seders?

You're like a s dad.
Like, you come in,

you pat the kids on the head,
and then you're gone.

What the f*ck kind of thing
is that to say?

I-I can't take a whole week off.

- Most people can't.
- No, I know. I know.

You can't do a whole week at my parents'

because we need more money.
You know what?

Why don't I call down
to, like, the concierge

and the doorman and the assistant

and tell them that we don't
have enough money yet?

Toby, what would you do
if you couldn't pretend

that you didn't enjoy our money?

What would it be like for you
if you couldn't live like a king

and pretend it was
a moral failing of mine

to force you to live
this terrible existence?

Sorry. That...
You're talking about me now?

Yes! Okay.

Yeah, you get to sit back
like a martyr and...

And pretend you're an angel.

"No, I only love the...
The patient interface.

I don't need to live on
actual money. I hate money."

No, I don't hate money. I just
don't choose it over everything.

- I choose money over everything?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

No. I choose... I choose
safety over everything.

I choose acceptance for
our kids over everything.

Oh, please. Stop.

The only reason you can't see that

is because you've always
had those things.

- I mean, don't... don't you see?
- Yeah, we have enough, Rachel.

Like, at some point,
like, it has to be enough.

Look. It's not...
It's not just about money.

It's about their friendships.

Oh, it's their friend... Let them
choose their own friends.

What?! What, you think
you just sit there

and friends come to you?

Sorry. Do you have any idea how
f*cked-up what you just said is?

Like, any idea? Because, yes, of co...

Sorry. Yes, of course, I do.

Because we are networking them,
aren't we? No, right.

Why don't we have, like, their
possible friends' agents call

so we can, like, get
the ball rolling on them?

Would that be a good idea?

- You're mimicking me?
- No, I'm...

Toby could set up a playdate, sure.

He could offer to take
the kids to the doctor.

But he wasn't a mother.

The system was run by mothers,
for mothers.

People talk about the expectations

that are heaped upon mothers,

but the expectations come from
the mothers themselves...

The moms' nights out, the fundraisers,

the book drives, the yoga
classes, the friendships.

Well, that's a relief. [LAUGHTER]

Forgot the nose.

- Oh.
- Ohh.

Hm.

- Honestly?
- Go! Go!

- Sam?
- Have fun, ladies.

Bye, Sam.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I wish I'd had a third.
But Toby said no.

He said I work too much
for another child.

Well, we all work.

God, I wish I had a job.
It sounds like a vacation.

Seriously. Someone, employ me. Right?

Can I go on maternity leave
from motherhood?

[LAUGHTER] And there it was.

The hideous thing that divided
the two kinds of women

there were in the world
that Rachel lived in.

The working mothers
and the stay-at-home mothers.

Rachel knew the truth,
which was that the culture

was so condescending
to stay-at-home mothers

that we allowed them the
fiction that being a mother

was the hardest job in the world.

Well, it wasn't.

Having an actual job and being a mother

is the hardest job in the world.

You don't have to say it. It's obvious.

It was two full-time jobs.
It's just math.

Keeping track of your kids
from afar is not easier.

Entrusting them to a stranger
is not easier.

Nothing makes it easier.
That's what Rachel knew.

But you know what she also knew?

That these friends of hers
could be gone in a minute.

Hardest job in the world.

Ahh. Cheers to that.

♪

It wasn't an insult.
I mean, it was a job offer.

Are you paranoid? What...
What you do is good enough,

but you should always take the
meeting. Everyone knows that.

Oh, it's "good enough" to be a doctor?

Why, thank you so much for approving

of the full-time job
I've had for years.

God, what planet am I on?

No, I-I'm not saying you should...

You know what? You have
no respect for me.

- Respect?!
- Yeah.

He said the base salary's
a mill. That's respect.

Oh, you have a nickname
for a million dollars, too?

Wow. Congratulations. That is adorable.

- No, don't do that to me.
- You know, I'm sitting here

wondering if we're gonna
look back on this

and wonder why we hung on for so long.

Wha... What are you talking about?

Come on. You can't possibly
think this is working.

Toby, do you understand
I don't even have time to get a divorce?

But the truth was, every time
he brought up divorce,

she felt the phantom limb
of abandonment,

her age-old wound.

[RACHEL SIGHS]

This is exactly what I'm talking
about. She makes no time for us.

Toby. I'm here. Is this not time for us?

Yeah, so, we used to take
these long walks together.

Now I cannot remember a time
we took a walk together.

Toby, for all your love of physics,

you can't quite grasp
that if we walk to dinner

blocks away instead of
letting me finish the e-mail

in the cab on the way there,

I will be finishing
the e-mail at the table.

The e-mail isn't optional.
The e-mail is the entire thing.

I don't know. I think some
people would say it could all wait.

What could wait? No. Tell me...

Tell me what I do that could wait.

Anyone who has ever been
to just one session

of couples therapy could tell you

that beyond your point of view
lies an abyss

with a bubbling cauldron of fire

and that just beyond that abyss

lies your spouse's point of view.

Rachel and Toby tried to fix it.

I will be finishing the e...

Wait while you say hello to your family.

- That's all!
- But the thing wasn't broken.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪

Yeah. Sorry.
Do you see how angry she is?

It was gone.

And then... it was over.

She had spent so much
time hyperventilating

and terrified of him leaving,
of the actual

one-day-he-wouldn't-be-there of it all,

that she was shocked to find out
that when it finally happened...

[SPITS]

...it was... fine.

It was... good.

She started to think that marriage

was a section of your life

that you now see
was always meant to end,

like childhood or puberty.

It's just a phase.

But maybe it was also fine

because of one additional
mitigating factor.

Months before, while
all this was going on...

Well, then. I will
bring that to Alejandra.

I have a feeling she will be amenable.

Oh, get me Alejan...

Uh, good, Richard. Uh, thank you.

Yeah. I'll circle back soon.

Hey. Are you looking for a job here?

'Cause we start people in the mailroom.

[CHUCKLES] Okay. I just
wanted to thank you, again.

Uh, Josh got cast in a car commercial.

Yeah, I heard! That's great. He's great.

Yeah, it's one of those ones
where the kid wakes up on

Christmas and the parents have
given him a car or something?

You okay?

No. I'm sorry. Um, it's just, uh...

Things are a little hard now.

Let me take you for a drink.

You look like you could use a friend.

I've got a ton of calls to return.

One drink. You're getting there.

Cut to the part where you're there.

So they cut to the part
where they were there.

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, God, it's good.

f*ck, that's good. That's good.

[BOTH MOANING]

It was supposed to be temporary...

Quick nooners at hotels.

But then Toby left for his new place,

and now she could see him
anytime she wanted

when the kids were with Toby.

And once or twice
when the kids were asleep.

[BOTH MOANING]

Sam loved that she worked.

Sam wanted to hear about her
deals, about the drama at work.

And Jeff told Reyna, "No, you can do it.

I just can't hear you doing it."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I'm only happy when I'm with you.

Um, I mean, how do we
figure that part out?

Well...

let's game-plan this and
break down the practicalities.

I've been thinking I might
want to open an L.A. office.

Fendant has an L.A. office.

[CHUCKLES] I love it
when you talk like an agent.

I love it. I love everything
you have going on in your head.

I just... love you.

♪

Sam accepted her.
He was impressed with her.

She began to wonder
if she didn't have to choose

between love and acceptance.

[CHUCKLES]

[TELEVISION PLAYING]

♪

I think it's time.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, God!

It's so gross!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay. It's time to go to bed.

Come on!

No, I let you stay up this late.

Mwah!

She realized that some people
are miserable after a divorce.

Not Rachel. She was free.

She could do whatever
the hell she wanted.

Well, not everything.

Trust me... if Rachel
could have moved to L.A.

without having to talk to Toby
about it, she would have.

Every conversation
was a terror with him.

Hey. Is now a good time?

Uh, sure. Yeah. Are the kids okay?

Yeah, they're fine.
How's your new place?

[SCOFFS] What is it, Rachel?

Honestly, your whole thing
is that we're supposed to have

great co-parenting communication

and be captains of this divorce
team together, but every time

I say something nice to you,
you have a meltdown.

Yeah, I would not call this
a meltdown, okay?

So, I've been thinking.

The Presidentrix! movie is about to go.

The agency is doing really great.

Yeah. Yeah. Congratulations.

Um, I'm thinking I want
to start an L.A. office,

expand my business.

Sure. Great. Congratulations.

It would mean that
I'd have to go, set up shop,

and... and be there a while.

Yeah, okay. Well, Hannah
goes to camp in two weeks.

And Solly... I don't know.

Maybe you want to take him
for a week or two?

Well, I'm thinking of doing it
for longer than the summer.

Um, maybe I would
have to be there longer,

like, uh...

move there for a while.

I'd keep my place here,

and I'd still come back all the time.

And what? Like, leave the kids?

No, no. I...

[SIGHS] I would take the kids.

Are you f*cking kidding me?! You are

not taking the kids anywhere. I will...

I will literally... Rachel,
I will sue you before you...

No, I'm... I'm saying I need a change.

Oh. Oh, you need a change? Okay.

No, no. Please don't make this ugly.

You know what?
Go to California. Seriously.

But you are not taking the kids, okay?

Honestly, t-they wouldn't even
notice if you were gone.

[PHONE LOCKS]

[CALL DISCONNECTS]

LIBBY: It was the meanest thing
anyone had ever said to her.

And he had said some mean things.

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE UNLOCKS]

SAM: I have great news.

Just got a last-minute spot
at Everglade for the weekend.

You there?

Hi. Uh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

So, I'm telling Miriam
I'm getting super into yoga.

We can finally do a weekend.

Uh, right. Um, I'm...

I'm in the middle of Alejandra's deal.

We're... We're trying to close.

Did you know the cellphone
had been invented? Come on.

Cut to the part where you're there.

Great. Be outside at : .

[CALL DISCONNECTS]

[KEYS JINGLING]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

There's a silent mindfulness
nature walk at :

that you're just in time for.

Can we just cut to the massage part?

Rach, you want a facial?

Sure. Cool.

- I can facilitate that.
- Thank you.

[BOTH MOANING]

[MOANING SLOWS]

[CHUCKLES]

♪

[VAPE HISSING]

[LAUGHS]

Hey, you okay?

Yeah. Work stuff.

Why don't you get an early massage?

Let's wash it all off, okay?

Hey. I brought something for us.

Edibles.

It's the good stuff. Medical.

Mm!

Very romantic.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah. I... I can't do that stuff.

They gave me this thing
when I had Hannah

that made me hallucinate all night,

and now I just... stay away.

Mm-kay.

Let's begin. Deep breath.

Here's the thing about
consciousness-raising and awareness.

Let's start. Deep breath.

You should avoid it.

Let's start. Deep breath.

I'm sorry. I just... I just
have to sit up for a second.

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

I have an idea for you.

Try closing your eyes.

[LAUGHS]

I-I can't close my eyes.

Now breathe.

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

You breath keeps getting caught
in the same place.

What does that mean?

It means you have to clear out
the pipes a little.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Now... scream.

Trust me.

Haaaa!

Don't worry. No one can hear you.

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

HAAA!

You're getting it.

HAAAAAA!

What if I told you that
inside you are tiny particles

and attached to that

are all the worry
and the anxiety you have,

all your problems,
and that if you gather them

and push them out of your body,
they won't be there anymore?

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAM CONTINUES]

And so she screamed.

One of her screams was for Hannah,

who had Rachel's disease of the
desire for love and acceptance.

One of them was for Solly,
who thought he was allowed

to be himself in this world

and didn't realize there
would be consequences to it,

no matter what Mr. Rogers said.

She screamed for her mother,
who was, perhaps,

her last chance
at being a normal person.

[SCREAM CONTINUES]
She screamed for Toby,

who promised that he would never leave

and spent their years together

threatening to leave her...

and then finally did.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

She screamed for the family she
worked her whole life to get...

but then only had so briefly.

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

This place is so f*cking weird.

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

What is it with you?

I don't know. I'm just... I don't know.

I can't seem to calm down.

Here. Take an Ambien.

Isn't that a prescription?

Still a doctor's wife.

Phar-ma-ceuticals.

[GROANS]

Sam liked to take Ambien before
they had sex. God knows why.

Rachel thought about taking one,

but she'd read these stories
about people

who do crazy things in
their sleep when they take it.

[SOBS SOFTLY]

[SOBS] f*ck.

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

[SOBS] f*ck.

What, you're leaving?

I don't get that much time
to myself, you know?

I was hoping this would be... fun?

You were supposed to be fun.

- I was supposed to be fun?
- You know what I mean.

It's not supposed to be this much work.

I don't think this is good anymore.

You should pack.

But we were supposed to be here
for... for another two days.

I don't want to leave yet.

[DOOR THUD ECHOES]

♪

Rachel was left unsure
of what had just happened.

Had there been a progression
that she'd missed?

All she thought is,
"There goes another one."

And then it hit her... Holy sh*t!

She was divorced.
The bottom had fallen out.

There was no net. She was alone.

She was alone, again, when
she had taken such measures

to make sure she'd never be alone again.

It must be that she was unlovable...

An illegitimate kind of person.

There were so many
people in the world...

Dumb ones, ugly ones, bad ones even...

And there were people who loved them.

Why not her?

She couldn't be loved
by her grandmother.

She couldn't be loved by Toby
for being herself.

She couldn't be loved by Sam
for being herself.

Who she was was unacceptable.

"SIMONE:" Sutton called and
was asking for clarification

on the final deal point.
And Toby called.

"He's saying you have to
pick up the kids."

RACHEL: "Just one
f*cking weekend, Simone."

♪

[PHONE BUZZING]

[BUZZ ECHOING]

OVERLAPPING VOICES:
Can you look at this script?

Marsha says we should circle
back when we have more.

Did you hit the final deal points?

- Final deal points?
- Where are you?

- Where are you?
- Where are you?

It's time to get the ball
rolling on Alison's deal.

- Hey.
- Hey, give me a call back

because you said alternate,
not understudy.

- Alternate, not understudy.
- Can you circle back?

- Alejandra...
- Alejandra called again.

MAN: Hey. Are you getting these?

[RUMBLING] WOMAN: Circle back.

[RUMBLING STOPS]

LIBBY: Time was a flat circle back.

Well, she couldn't go to sleep
while her phone was nearby.

It was alive. She could feel it b*ating.

[SIGHS]

♪

♪

Mrs. Rothberg?

[CHUCKLES] I'm not Mrs. Rothberg.

We were wondering
when you'd be checking out.

Oh, I want another massage
and then do more screaming.

Right. But your reservation.

We have a large group coming.

Well, can I have a late checkout?

Sure.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

RACHEL: Just get me a car home,
okay? And send me a new phone.

No, Simone! It's just one weekend.

Let me be, please.

[HORNS HONKING]

Mrs. Fleishman. Long time, no see.

[SIGHS]

She was home. Finally.

Sleep.

Maybe she was hungry.

She'd only eaten vegetarian
bullshit for the past few days.

Maybe if she had some iron
in her she'd be able to sleep.

[KEYPAD DIALING]

She'd had a roommate in college
who used to diet all the time,

but when she gave up on her diets,

which was basically every week,
she'd order beef lo mein.

You've never seen someone
so happy while eating.

Uh, yeah, hi. C-Can I get an order of...

I'll have the beef lo mein.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Mrs. Fleishman.

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪

Lo mein is gross.

Why would you eat spaghetti
from a Chinese place?

What she needed was exercise.

Exercise always tired her out.

Wait. What was she doing in the bedroom?

♪

She'd had a roommate in college
who used to diet all the time,

but when she gave up on her diets,

which was basically every week,
she'd order beef lo mein.

You've never seen someone
so happy while eating.

Um, are you still delivering?

Yeah, I-I'll have a beef lo mein.

Delivered to East th Street.

Apartment A.

[BEEP, DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Mrs. Fleishman.

♪

Disgusting. If you want pasta,
you go to Tony's.

♪

She had this idea that maybe it was

that her clothes were too tight.

She never wore sweatpants anymore.

They reminded her of
her postpartum breakdown.

But either Toby or Sam
had left some behind,

and she thought maybe the sweatpants

were what healed her last time.

She thought of those women
who wore sweatpants all day

and slept in the park
because they had nothing to do.

Maybe she could be one of them.

But, man, she was hungry.

Rachel thought about
her college roommate

who had an eating disorder
and who would,

once a week, order beef lo mein

because that's the food you eat
when you've just given up.

Can I get an order of beef lo mein?

East th Street. Apartment A.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Mrs. Fleishman.
- Thank you.

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

It was totally gross!

Why would you eat spaghetti
from a Chinese place?

Maybe she could get, like,
a supplement or something.

♪

A hamburger.
Um, no onions. Uh, no cheese.

Um, do, uh... do you have pickles?

Do you... Do you
still have that fusilli?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That... One... One of those.

Oh, you want two?

Yeah, no. Make that two. [LAUGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Go away! I don't want it!

[BANGING ON DOOR]

[BANGING ON DOOR CONTINUES]

[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]

[DOOR OPENS] Toby?

Oh. Hannah. God, you scared me.

I know. I was at the office.

I have to tell you something.

Can you listen?
I have to tell you something.

I'm busy! I'll circle back.

No, no, no. No.
You have to hear it from me.

I didn't stand a chance.
I never stood a chance.

Do you hear me?

I have to circle back on that!

Can you tell Solly?

I left word. You're not listening!

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS] No, honey. The joke
is that the eyes are open.

TOBY: I find the patient
interface particularly rewarding.

[GASPS]

Mom, we're late! You have to get us!

I can't move, Hannah.

Mom. Mom, please!

I can't move.

I love you! I love you! Y-Y-You know.

You know that I love you.
But they're coming.

They're coming for me,
and I can't even move!

I'm in L.A. I'm in L.A.

C-Come see if...
If you can find me, okay?

We'll... We'll order
room service. [SOBS]

She had to get out of there.

[DOG BARKING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪

ROXANNE: Ahem!

MIRIAM: Rachel Fleishman.
Asleep in the park.

As I live and breathe!

We're going to Soul. Are you coming?

Oh, um...

I forgot to tell you.

Um, I'm waiting on a call, so I can't.

- Ohh.
- Oh, it's okay.

Ohh. You work too hard.

Are you o-okay?

Sure. Yeah. Uh, just...

taking some me-time.

- [GASPS] Proud of you.
- Ohh.

- Yes!
- You go, girl.

Yeah, that's good.

♪

Did something come for me?

From my assistant?
I ordered a new phone.

And, uh, I've been without
a phone all weekend.

She delivered, uh, something
for you a few weeks ago.

What do you mean? What...

[TABLET CLICKING] What...

Wait. Sorry. She...

She delivered it on... on Sunday?

It's Thursday.

It's Thursday?

But it wasn't just Thursday.

It wasn't even the next Thursday.

It had been weeks.

Oh, sh*t.

She found herself in front
of Toby's apartment,

but she was afraid to go in.

Not because she was scared
of him yelling at her,

which she was, but because she knew

that whatever it was he said,
he would be right.

And she could not bear further
information right then

about what a piece of sh*t she was.

♪

She couldn't figure out
how much time had passed.

She had so much apologizing to do.

So she did the first thing
that seemed manageable.

♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

♪

- Rachel.
- Hi.

I was just in the neighborhood
and I wanted to see my favorite.

Uh, I come... I come bearing gifts.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll... get Alex.

Alex!

Rachel.

It's me. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, I, um... I brought you something.

Uh, so... so, I-I think...

I think we have all our...
Our deal points done.

They're still being a little...

Rachel, what are you talking about?

I haven't heard from you in three weeks.

Wow. Do you...

Do you ever get déjà vu?

Rachel, are you okay? It's : a.m.

[STAMMERS] Uh, no.
I-I-I had to go out of town.

It was a... It was a family emergency.

Simone said you were in meetings.

I called you.

My lawyer called and said
you weren't returning.

I called Matt.

Wait. My Matt?

My Matt.

I went back to Alfooz.

You disappeared!

I couldn't let it fall apart.

I worked too hard to let it fall apart.

No, no, no, of course.
No, y-you did the right thing.

Absolutely.

Uh, let me... let me know

if Matt needs any help
with the transition.

Rachel... Wait. Is
it... Is the deal done?

Did he handle it?

Yeah, he got it. All of it.

It's fine now.

Rachel, are you...

I-I'm... I'm fine. Yeah. I mean...

No, it's been a...
It's been a rough week,

but, you know, it's... it's fine.

I am so p...

I'm so proud of what you achieved.

I'm very sorry I let you down.

Rachel had discovered her.

She'd believed in her when
Matt was still calling her

a diversity hire
for TV rooms behind her back.

See? Unacceptable.

And then I realized I was hungry

and if I saw them when I was hungry

I was gonna have to leave
to get something to eat,

so I-I went looking for carbs
and I got a bagel

and then... and then I saw you.

Are you sure I-I can't get you anything?

Her story was all over the place.

There were several days
she just couldn't account for.

And half of it didn't add up.

I don't really remember putting
newspaper on the windows.

I think you need some help, Rachel.

Come on.

I'd spent the whole summer
listening to Toby's story,

seeing it through his eyes alone.

I'd forgotten an essential
truth of reporting,

which is that you should always wonder,

when you're hearing
someone's version of things,

what the other person in the story...

The one who wasn't there...
Would say if he were.

I'd forgotten that lesson,
which I had learned

on every story I ever did.

It was that there are
no real villains in life,

not really.

There are no real heroes, either.

Everyone is great
and everyone is terrible

and everyone is flawed,

and there are no exceptions to that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Just try to sleep. Okay?

I'll sit here with you.

And I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.

You know, I always liked you.

I just thought you didn't like me.

♪

♪

TOBY: Hey. I'm sorry about before.

I hope you're not mad.

It's just that I've been
going through a lot lately.

♪