03x06 - Evil Never Sleeps

[bunniefuu]

- Oh, sorry we had to
leave the carnival early.

I just really didn't like the
look of those troublemakers.

- You mean the clowns?
[laughing]

Don't worry, our next date
will be clown free.

- [sighing] Okay.

- NORA, CHLOE & BILLY:
Ooooooh!

- [laughing]
See ya, buddy.

- Yeah!

- FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Alert! Alert!

Incoming transmission from
Super President Kickbutt.

- NORA, CHLOE & BILLY:
Ooooooh!

- Okay, how does that
even make sense?

- PRESIDENT KICKBUTT:
Hello, Phoebe.

The Hero League needs
you to investigate

one of our most dastardly
super villains.

You must tell no one.

- This is so awesome.
My first big take-down.

Who's the unlucky,
soon-to-be-defeated jerk?

- Evil Man.
- Well, he is goin' down.

I'm sorry,
did you say Evil Man?

As in Link's Dad, Evil Man?

- Even though he claims
he's retired,

we have evidence that suggests
he's up to his old tricks.

- Okay, um, if it's
all right with you,

before I investigate my
boyfriend's dad for being evil,

I'm gonna have to see
some of this so-called evidence.

- Guess who has two thumbs
and just got hired

by Evil Man to be
his evil protégé?

This guy!

Viva la evil!

- Did you hear that?

Evil Man just hired
Max to--Oh...

- So we're good here?
- Yeah, we're good.

- ♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is not what you get ♪

♪ Livin' our lives
with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in ♪

♪ Bet you never guessed ♪

♪ 'Cause we're
livin' our lives ♪

♪ Just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture
perfect family ♪

♪ Is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer,
you might see ♪

♪ The crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't
make believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal
and stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Livin' a double life ♪

- Look, Phoebe,
I'm a superhero, too.

I'm Popper Fingers.

- Oh, sorry, Cherry,
I'm just, um...

I'm distracted thinking
about something.

- What's up?
Maybe I can help.

- Well, it's just that--

unh, I probably
shouldn't tell you this.

Um, okay, I have a superhero
friend named "Fiona"

whose boyfriend's dad

is a huge villain named,
um, "Evil Stan."

- That Stan sounds
like an evil man.

- He's retired now but,
if he's up to no good again,

"Fiona" has to turn him in.

- Fiona better turn
that man in.

- But what about
her boyfriend--

"Crink"?

- Crink, schmink,
she's a superhero.

Besides, what if his dad does
something horrible--

like erases November?

My birthday's in November.

- You're right, Fiona
has to do what's right.

Also, your birthday's
in December.

- ♪

- MAX: Yeah, yeah, got it.
All right.

Thanks again for
bringing me on

to teach me your
evil ways, Evil Man.

- Hey, hey, hey.
Here, I'm Mr. Evilman.

- Right. Your cover.

Mild-mannered owner of this
family mattress store.

- First of all,
thanks to bedbug season,

we're doing quite well.

And, second,
I only hired you

because a tiny lady
just quit on me

and you look like
you'll fit the uniform.

- You're doing a great job at
pretending you don't like me.

- Really? You brought
your daddy

to wipe your boom-boom
on your first day?

- Hey, I handle
my own boom-boom.

And I thought he left
after he dropped me off.

- [sighing]

Hank!
- Oh, hey.

- Well, I see your butt
has good taste.

You found the couchtress--
part couch, part mattress,

all comfort.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- How much?
Oh, ho, ho, ho!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Comfort ain't cheap.

- Ah, I'm gonna have
to sleep on it.

- When he wakes up,
I'll close the deal.

- Whoa, whoa,
that's not your job.

That is your job.

Any time someone comes
in or leaves,

you make sure those
doors get closed.

All the cold air's
gettin' out!

- Oh, I get it.

Keeping the doors
shut teaches me

to keep my mouth shut
if I'm ever interrogated.

- Wink at me again and I'll
take your eyelids.

- Come on, Chloe,
we're leaving for the park.

- [whooshing]
Let's do it!

- Let's un-do it.

- What are you
talking about?

She looks adorable.

Come on, sweetie, let's go
put on some sunscreen, hm?

- We cannot let her go
to the park like that.

Everyone will laugh at her.

- I know. She went to
the zoo last week,

and she got more looks
than that chimp

chewing on that
poor kid's ear.

- How is your ear?
- Better.

- All right, let's go.

- Uh, yeah, about the park.

I bet it's really crowded,
don't you think, Billy?

- I'll check.
[zooming]

It is packed.
A ten-kid pile-up on the slide.

- Oh, well, I guess we'll
have to go another time.

Come on, Chloe.

- We just saved Chloe
from total embarrassment.

- Up top.
- [powers zapping]

- Ow! That's not
how it works!

- ♪

- Tie clip cam,
meet Max's ugly tie.

Together, you are
gonna show me

what twisted shenanigans
Evil Man is up to.

But, first, extreme close-up!

Whoa! Whoa!

- [groaning]

[grunting]

[thunderous kicking]

- Hey, are you okay, Dad?

- I can't find anything
comfortable in the whole house.

[groaning]

- Hey, looking good, Max.

You, uh, on your way
to a dweeb rally?

- What about you?
You goin' to a--

you're a dweeb rally?

- Hey, Max, do you need
a ride to the couchtress?

- You mean work?

- I'm aware of what I said.

Meet me at the car!

- Uh, Phoebe, have you
seen my tie?

- Oh, yeah, it's right
over there.

Mom said she left
a gift on it for you.

- Oh, fancy.

I'll be the best-dressed
guy at my new evil job.

I mean, regular job.

- Did you just wink at me?

- Oh, it's become
a problem.

It was a bed
and like that...

it's this thing.

- Whoa, the future is now.

I'll take one.
- Awesome.

Uh, pull your car around,
we'll get you taken care of.

- Max.
- Uh, sorry.

I'll get back to the doors.

- No, no, no, no.
I'm impressed.

I'm promoting you
to sales trainee.

- Is that code for
"evil deputy"?

- You can call yourself
whatever you want,

so long as you keep
pushin' the cushion.

[laughing]
- HANK: [laughing]

- Come on.
You brought your dad back?

Hank?
- HANK: Mm?

[laughing]
- Hank!

- HANK: Ah!

- Come on.

You just can't sit
on the couchtress all day.

- This is a big decision.

I need to simulate my exact
nighttime routine.

Can you rub my feet and let
me talk about my day?

- Uh-oh. Oh.

Hey! Ho! Ho!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Sorry, sorry, sorry,
this mattress isn't for sale.

How about some, uh, some
stickers for the kid?

There we go.
So... so cute.

I'm...I'm so sorry.

You cannot sell
this mattress.

It's my nap mattress.

Okay? So don't go
near it again.

You got it?

Go rub your dad's feet.

- He sure is acting weird
about that sad little bed.

I'm sensing twisted
shenanigans.

- Who are you talkin' to?

- No one.

Where are you going?

- Nowhere.

- All right, then.
- Don't wait up.

- ♪

- That feeling you're
experiencing right now,

Chloe, is awesomeness.

- My head itches.

- What in Bikini Bottom
is happening right now?

You two look exactly alike.

- You're right, she looks great
and she's lovin' it.

- My head is on fire.

- Girl, your whole look
is on fire.

- ♪

- [sighing] Thanks for
coming with me, Cherry.

- Well, it was either this

or stay at home and watch
my dad clip his toenails.

- Yeah, well, here you
can watch my dad do it.

- [blows air]

- So, bet you didn't know
that the actual

Mattress Mike worked
here, did you?

- From the commercials?
- Yeah.

And I hear he needs
dancers for his next one.

- I'm gonna go show
him my moves.

Yo, Mattress Mike!

And a-one, and a-two,
and a-three,

and a-four and a-five!

Hatcha! Hatcha! Hatcha!

- Thank you, Cherry.

- Isn't there
a Mr. Old Lady

that can be helping
you out with this?

- Okay, mattress,
reveal your secrets.

Sleep speedometer?
That's a thing?

[turns dial]
- [mattress rumbling]

- And then there
was a m*ssile.

President Kickbutt, please?

It's a national crisis.

No, don't put me on hold.

Oh, ho, ho, I love
this song.

- Hey, Phoebe, I didn't know

that Mattress Mike
is Link's dad.

He just walked in.

- What? Link is
in the store?

- Uh-huh.

And so is this m*ssile.

- Okay, just don't freak out.

I'm on the line with
the Hero League right now.

- This is just like
your friend Fiona

who has that boyfriend
whose dad is a bad guy and--

[gasping]
Oh, my gosh!

You're Fiona, Link's dad
is Evil Stan,

Link is Crink and that
special is a m*ssile.

Why didn't you just tell me?

- Because I'm not allowed to
tell you Hero League secrets.

That's why I was doing this...

- I thought you were just doing
buddy puppets to help me focus.

Wow, Link is gonna be crushed,
if you turn in his dad.

- Well, hey, I'm just
doing the right thing, remember?

This was your advice.

- That advice was
for Fiona, not you.

If you go through with this,
Link is gonna break up with you.

- PRESIDENT KICKBUTT: Phoebe,
did you find something

at Evil Man's mattress store?

- Um...

Never mind.

- I have to turn Evil man in.
I have to.

But I don't wanna
break up with Link.

I don't wanna.
What should I do?

- I shoulda knew.

- [phone beeping]

- Uh-oh, that's Link.

I forgot we're supposed
to hang out tonight.

- Oh, before you
arrest his dad,

will you ask him how
I did on my dance audition?

If it comes up.

Good luck.

- [front door opens, closes]

- Hey, Link!
You on your way?

- Actually, I have to cancel.
My dad's still at work,

so I'm watching
my little brother.

- But isn't the store
closed at night?

- Yeah, but he's staying late--
some top secret project.

- Top secret?

- Yeah, it sounds like he's
about to launch something big.

- I know what he's launching.

- Also, Cherry's banned
from the store.

- It wouldn't be
the first time.

Talk to you later
Gotta go.

- Woo! Ha! Ha!

What a day I had,
Colosso!

I sold three mattresses

and saved Evil Man
$ on his electric bill.

- Listen to yourself.

Evil Man's not teaching
you anything about being evil.

- Oh, sure he is.

It's all part of
his master plan.

Little by little,
he's grooming me

to become the next
great super villain.

- He's groomin' you to be
his weekend manager.

Look at yourself.

- Holy suburban sales nerd,
what happened to me?

My hair is parting itself?

And is that
a cellphone holster?

- [holster hits ground]

I have to go down to
that mattress store

right now and quit.
[groaning]

- That's my Max.

Now make sure you get rid of
that cellphone holster.

- I already did.
Stop doing that!

- [holster hits ground]

- And the finishing touch...

a beautiful bow.

Now when Mom and Dad
take us out to dinner,

you won't look ridiculous.

- I feel like
a birthday present.

- That's right, Chloe.

With that bow, you're
a gift to the world.

Look, Billy, I fixed her.

- What?

Let it go!
- Give it!

- Never!
- It's mine!

- Whoa! Whoa!
What's goin' on?

- Nora dressed Chloe
up like a doof.

- Only because Billy dressed
her up like a chucklehead.

- I don't wanna be
a chucklehead.

[whooshing]
- [sighing]

Look, I...I know you're
trying to help

your little sister,

but she likes the way
she dresses.

- Mom, people are
gonna laugh at her,

if she's out there dressed
like a lost and found box.

- Chloe doesn't care about
what other people

think about her clothes,
so why should you two?

You know, maybe you
should care less about

what she's wearing and more
about what she's feeling.

Chuckleheads.

- I think we just got Mom'd.

- BARB: Yeah, ya did.

- Good evening, Evil Man.

- Phoebe, how did
you get in here?

Did your brother leave
those doors open again?

- Yeah, it's about
the m*ssile you're hiding

under that mattress
over there.

- Would you believe
that was there

when I bought the place?

- Look, the Hero League
sent me to bring you in,

but I'm worried what
that will do to Link.

- He's a good kid.

Do you know he and I have
really been bonding lately?

We flew a kite the other day.

It was a ladybug.

- I think you should
turn yourself in.

- Hm...

it doesn't sound like
something I'd do.

- Just think about Link.

He would hate me,
if I turned you in,

and he's really
gonna need somebody

when you're rotting in jail.

- Well...

Since you put it that way!

- PHOEBE: [gasps]

- [high-pitched laugh]

- What are you doing?

- Who? Me?

Changing the m*ssile's target

from Hiddenville Central Library
to the Hero League.

- PHOEBE: [straining]

- Now I hate them
more than books.

- Please! At least put me in
a more comfortable bed.

This one's all springs.

- Suffer!
[high-pitched laughter]

- Chloe, we're going
to Splatburger now.

You should get ready.

- I don't wanna go.
- [can rattling]

- We're sorry about what
happened today, Chloe.

We were wrong to tell
you what to wear.

- Yeah, you're not
a chucklehead.

We're the chuckleheads.

- And doofs.

- Huge doofs.

You should just be yourself
and dress how you want.

And we promise to love it.

- Do you forgive us?

- Not yet.

Now I forgive you.

- I am so pulling this off.

- I don't know what's
happening here,

but I like it.

And don't let anyone turn you
into a suburban sales nerd.

- What's with
the cellphone holster?

- You are not
a part of me!

- [holster hits ground]

- Three minutes...

till the Hero League
is a pile of rubble and spandex.

- [computer beeps]
- [high-pitched laughter]

- [straining]

- ♪

- Aw, nuts.

- ♪

- [chest clatters]

- Nice try.

Maybe if you give up now,
they'll go easy on you.

- I'm Evil Man!
Nothing can stop me!

- [blowing icy air]

- I can't believe
you stopped me.

Well, too bad you haven't
the guts to turn me in.

You couldn't do that
to your precious Link.

He'd never forgive you.

- Hey, Dad, I'm here.
What'd you need?

Is this for a new
commercial or...?

- It sure is.

We're freezing prices and
blowin' up the competition.

Lie, Phoebe.

This is where you lie to
save your relationship.

- Link, your dad is trying to
destroy the Hero League

and I have to stop him.
- What?

- You're probably gonna
break up with me for this,

but I have a job to do.

[sighing]

President Kickbutt, please?

I have Evil Man.

- PRESIDENT KICKBUTT:
Well done!

[applauding]

- Well, that was quick.

- Congratulations.
You passed the test.

- Test?

- The Hero League
needed to make sure

you were willing to put
your superhero life

ahead of your personal life.

- And again I say... test?

- I know it wasn't easy.

But you just took
a huge step toward

becoming a full-fledged
superhero.

- Okay, as much as I love
passing tests,

that is messed up!

Also, I hope that outburst
doesn't affect my grade.

Link, I'm so sorry I had
to turn your dad in.

I'd completely understand if
you wanna break up with me.

- Why would I do that?

- 'Cause I chose my job
over our relationship.

- It's called
doing the right thing.

And, besides, who would
I have to lean on

while my dad was rotting
away in jail?

- No jail can hold me.

I can break out
of anything.

[straining]

A little help, Phoebe.

- [blowing hot air]
- [ice cracking]

- Ha!

Out of anything.

- MAX: Hey, Evil Man!

- [thunderous expl*si*n]
- [doors clattering]

- Try closin'
your doors now.

- My doors!

My couchtress!

- Couchtress!

- Wait a minute.
What's everyone doing here?

- Our friend Evil Man
came out of retirement

to help us test your sister.

- You were helping
the Hero League?

- Yeah. They bought a ton
of those flip-up beds.

And they also got
me a fishing boat

you can't tell
your mom about.

- You may have gone
suburban soft,

but I haven't.

Say goodbye, whatever
this is aimed at.

- [computer beeping]

- [power surging]

[m*ssile backfires]

[ice cream truck music]

- Way to go, Max.

That ice cream was supposed
to be a surprise for Phoebe.

- Look at that--they have all my
favorite flavors and toppings.

- Or do they?

Viva la evil!

Viva la sprinkles!

- Was he wearing
a cellphone holster?

- ALL: [talking at once]

- It should have been me.

Nooooooo!
[sobbing]

Is that an ice cream rocket?

- ♪

- ♪