04x19 - Mama on Jeopardy!

[bunniefuu]

Now, come on, Bubba.

Think hard. This is easy.

What was the name
of Macbeth's wife?

Uh, Mrs. Beth?

No, Bubba, Lady Macbeth.

Honey, your English
final is tomorrow.

You better get with the program.

Oh, this is hopeless,
Aunt Naomi.

I'm never gonna learn
all this stuff by tomorrow.

Well, it's your own damn fault.

Mr. Hanson told
us all about this final

three months ago in class.

Instead of bein' out
tomcattin' every night

you should have been home
like me crackin' the books.

Hey, mama, you're
lucky, you got no social life

to get in the way
of your studyin'.

And, Vinton, you're
lucky you've got no brain

to clutter up your head.

Come on, grandma. Help me study.

You're the smartest
one in night school.

You know this Shakespeare
stuff forwards and backwards.

Oh, now, Bubba,
there's no need to make

"Much Ado About Nothin'."

Please, it's gonna take a
genius to get me through all this.

Oh, well... "As You Like It."

What is it you need to know?

Well, I couldn't make anything
out of this "Romeo and Juliet."

Oh, I just love that movie.

Do you remember, baby?

Those naked teenagers
and that Johnny Mathis song.

I thought that was "How
To Stuff A Wild Bikini."

Well, thank you,
Siskel and Eggbert.

Now, Bubba, you can
learn a very valuable lesson

from "Romeo and Juliet."

It is about two spoiled,
rotten teenagers

who will not
listen to the advice

of their wise, lovin' parents.

And they wind up
payin' for it in the end.

Okay.

What about "King Lear?"

Oh, that's the story of my life.

How ungrateful children
can drive you nuts.

- Tell me about how...
- I don't have time for this.

Iola and me are goin' to
the year-end white sale.

They're givin' away
a free toilet t*nk cover

with every $20 purchase.

Well, while you're
down there, Miss Harper

would you pick Vinton and
me up a new set of sheets?

Yeah, our old ones
are all worn out.

Again? Lord, I think you
two ought to give up on sheets

and just cover your
mattress in AstroTurf.

Knock, knock! Come quick.

Oh, everybody. I have
the most exciting news.

You can tell me about it
on the way to Niedermayer's.

Well, that's just it. I
can't go to Niedermayer's.

And why not?

I may be a contestant
on "Jeopardy!"

You?

You mean that quiz show on TV?

Um-hmm, the contestant
coordinators are in Raytown

and I made an
appointment to audition.

- Ha! Wow!
- Hey!

Well, that's real nice, Iola

but what about the white sale?

Well, Thelma, how
can you compare

a-a free toilet t*nk cover

to a chance to meet Alex Trebek?

Iola's right. He is pretty cute.

Oh, I think Alex Trebek
is the best-lookin'

quiz show host on television.

I've been in love with him
ever since he did "High Rollers."

Earth to Iola.

What makes you think
they're gonna put you on?

You gotta be real smart
to be on "Jeopardy!"

Miss Boylen, those questions
they ask are pretty tough.

Yeah, I can't even answer 'em.

Vinton, you can't even
answer the questions

on "Sesame Street."

Well, I am an
expert on "Jeopardy!"

Mother and I play along
with the show every night.

She hadn't beaten me once.

They're not gonna put you on TV

just 'cause you can b*at
a shut-in on Percodan.

You cannot talk me out of this,
Thelma. My mind is made up.

Nothin' is gonna stop
me from auditioning.

- Well, fine.
- Oh, Thelma, please go with me.

- I'm scared to death.
- Forget it, Iola.

- I'm goin' to Niedermayer's.
- Well, this won't take long.

We can go to the white
sale when I'm done.

- Well...
- Please.

If Alex Trebek's there,
I'm gonna need somebody

to catch me when I faint.

- Oh, alright.
- Oh, thank you, Thelma.

- Oh, you're an angel.
- Yeah.

You're gonna wind up an
angel if we miss that sale.

Ha! Wow, can you imagine
it? Miss Boylen on "Jeopardy!"

No, I can't.

What do you think, baby?

Mom was wrong.

The only time Big
Bird ever stumped me

was with a silent "K."

When am I gonna play
the damn game already?

Please, have
patience, Mr. Herkle.

We can't start until we have
someone for you to play against.

I can't sit around
here all day waitin'.

I got pigeons to feed.

Cheryl...

this is pathetic.

We haven't found
one qualified contestant

in the whole Tri-State area.

Come on, Fred,
maybe the next person

who walks through that
door will be a genius.

Hey, Iola, I found it.

Get your skinny butt in here.

Hmm, hello, ma'am. Are you
here to try out for "Jeopardy!"?

No, I'm waitin' to
go to my white sale.

Iola's the one who's tryin' out.

I'll sit here in the corner.
You won't even know I'm here.

Thank you for coming, Miss...

- Oh, Boylen.
- Boylen.

Uh, now, there's nothing to
be nervous about, Miss Boylen.

Just relax and have fun.

Okay.

Before we start, do
you have any questions?

Uh, just one. Where
is Alex Trebek?

Alex is back in
Hollywood, Miss Boylen.

Well, darn. I wore
my best dress too.

Okay, let's get started.

If you'll have a seat
next to Mr. Herkle

we're going to play a
mock game of "Jeopardy!"

Hiya, toots. Mwah, mwah.

Hey, Iola...

looks like you didn't
waste that dress after all.

The first category
we're going to cover is...

Shakespeare.

Say, snookums, how about you
and me take a ride in my DeSoto?

Please, Mr. Herkle,
I'm tryin' to concentrate.

The first answer is Mercutio.

I know that one.

Who was...

uh, oh, Mer-Mer-Mercutio?

W-who, uh, Mercutio? Who, uh...

Come on, Iola. You can do this.

- Who was, uh...
- Up!

Sorry, Miss Boylen,
your time's up.

Iola, everybody knows
Mercutio's that friend of Romeo's

that got croaked.

- That's correct.
- Of course, it is.

Now, hurry up, sonny.
I ain't got all day.

The next answer is...

"eye of newt, toe of frog,
wool of bat, tongue of dog."

Well, that is disgusting.

I've never heard
anything so vile.

Iola, what is the
matter with you?

That's the recipe
them weirdo witches

were cookin' up in "Macbeth."

- She's the one...
- I know...

Excuse me, ma'am.
What's your name?

Uh, Harper. Uh,
Mrs. Thelma Harper.

I'm sorry. I promise I
won't say another word.

Mrs. Harper, how
would you like to be

a contestant on "Jeopardy!"?

Me?

- Her?
- Yes.

You're knowledgeable, outgoing,

and the only one
in the Tri-State area

who's answered more
than one question correctly.

What do you say?

Oh, uh, uh, no,
I-I don't think so.

Wouldn't you rather have Iola?

I would.

It's alright, Thelma.
They don't want me.

If I can't meet Alex Trebek

at least, I can say
my best friend did.

Plus, you could win a
lot of money, Mrs. Harper.

Oh, that's right. Many of our
winners have made over $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars?

Oh, go for it, Thelma.

Oh, what the hell? I'll do it.

Oh, wonderful, Mrs. Harper.

Alright, now we can
get out of this hick town.

I never saw so many
American made cars in my life.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I can't believe you're
gonna be on "Jeopardy!"

This has been quite a day.

We still have time
for the white sale.

Are you nuts? If
I win that ten thou

I'm never goin' to another
white sale ever again.

Hurry up, Skeeter.

"Jeopardy!" is startin'
in a few minutes.

I'm coming.

Hmm, boy, popcorn.

Yes, Bubba, and it's fresh too.

I just opened the bag myself.

Knock, knock!

Oh, you're just in time, Iola.

Wh-what are you
doin', Miss Boylen?

Well, I want Thelma's
television debut to be dust-free.

Oh, get away from there,
Iola. It's about to start.

Hmm, here it comes. Uh,
turn up the volume, Bubba.

This is "Jeopardy!"

Now entering the studio
are today's contestants.

They are Cynthia Lane...

Thelma Harper, and...

- There's mama.
- Boy, they're right.

The television does add
ten pounds to your figure.

And now here comes the host
of "Jeopardy!", Alex Trebek.

The man just gets more
handsome every day.

Did you know that he lives
with his mother, just like me?

Hi, folks, and welcome
again to "Jeopardy!"

As is usually the
case on our program

we have two
excellent challengers

to face our champion today.

First of all, there
is Cynthia Lane

a very attractive and quite
accomplished young lady

with an extensive
educational background.

Cynthia, can you tell
me about yourself?

Well, Alex, I'm the chairman of
the Dead Language department

at Hayworth University.

I have an IQ of 175.

And just a few of the
degrees I've earned

are a BA, an MFA, and a PhD.

Yeah, but do you have an M-R-S?

Our next contestant is the
very charming, Thelma Harper.

- Where are you from, Thelma?
- Hi, Alex.

- Hi.
- I am from Raytown.

The jewel of the Tri-State area.

I see. What do
you do in Raytown?

Well, for one thing, I don't
have a high-powered job

or any fancy college degrees.

I'm just a poor, old widow woman
from the heartland of America

tryin' to take care of my
family the best way I know how.

Bless you!

Would it be okay if I
say hi to my family?

Thelma, I'm not sure
we've got enough time...

Hi, Naomi. Hi,
Vinton. Hi, Bubba.

- Hi, mama.
- Hi, Miss Harper.

- Is that it?
- Uh, no, actually.

Uh, my friend, Iola
Boylen, is watchin' also.

And, Alex, we read all about
you in "People" Magazine

and, uh, if you have not yet
found your significant other...

Iola is the girl for you.

- Oh, honey.
- Iola.

Oh, Iola.

Thelma, may I move on now?

- It's your show, Alex.
- Alright, then.

Let's say hello to our returning
champion, Ludlow Baxter.

And as you may recall,
ladies and gentleman,

Ludlow is a
thermonuclear physicist.

That is correct, Alex.

But we haven't learned
anything about your private life.

Do you have any
hobbies, for instance?

Oh, uh, yes, I do, Alex.

Uh, to unwind, I like to
play chess with my computer

and, uh, memorize encyclopedias.

Well, get down, Ludlow.

Alright, players,
good luck to you all.

I know you're eager to get
going so let's play this first round

of "Jeopardy!"

As the board goes into
motion, I'm going to remind you

about the one daily
double in this round

which will be found in
one of these categories...

"'Mathematics, Football,
Astronomy, Rivers, Opera"'

and finally, "Famous Eds."

What, no Shakespeare?

Sorry, Thelma, no
Shakespeare in this first round.

Ludlow, as returning champion

you get to make
the first selection.

That is correct, Alex.

Pick a category.

I'd like to try
"Mathematics" for $100.

The answer is, "The
square root of 5,329."

- Cynthia.
- What is 73?

- You're right.
- I was gonna say that.

Cynthia, select.

Um, I'd like "Astronomy"
for $100, please.

The answer, "The
planet closest to the sun."

Ludlow.

- What is Mercury?
- You're right.

I should've known that. I
just saw it on "Star Trek."

You get to pick again.

Alex, I'd like to try
"Famous Eds" for $100.

The answer this time,
"Johnny Carson's sidekick."

I know this one.

My damn light's not workin'.

That's because Cynthia
pressed her button before you.

Cynthia, your response, please.

- Who is Ed McMahon?
- You're right.

Alex, I think I'll stick with
"Famous Eds" for $200.

This time the clue is...

"The first man to
conquer Mt. Everest."

Ah ha! I b*at you.

So you did, Thelma.
Your response, please.

To what?

The first man to
conquer Mount Everest.

- The first, uh...
- Hurry, time's running out.

Uh, well, the only Ed I
can think of is Ed Higgins

my daughter Eunice's husband.

I would love to push
him off Mt. Everest.

Ed Higgins is
not right. Cynthia.

Who is Sir Edmund Hillary?

Right again.

Gee, grandma
ain't doin' too good.

No, nothing to worry about.

She's gettin' faster
with her button.

Yeah, but dumber
with her answers.

Shh, shh, there's
a close-up of Alex.

Yell, "Me, me, me."

Yes, sir, Alex.

Ludlow, it's your turn to
make the next selection.

Alex, uh, I'd like
"Rivers" for $500.

The answer is, "The longest
river in the United States."

- Thelma.
- Um, what is the Ray river?

Oh, I'm sorry, Thelma.
That is wrong. Ludlow.

Uh, what is the Mississippi?

You are correct for $500 more.

And that sound means
that we have come

to the end of "Jeopardy!"
Let's see the scores.

Ludlow, our returning
champion, in the lead with 3,200.

Cynthia Lane with 2,800.

And Thelma bringing up
the rear with minus 1,200.

Well, don't worry,
Alex. I'm not givin' up.

Us Harpers have
always been slow starters.

Problem is we're
also slow finishers.

Darn! Mama just
goofed up another one.

- I'm sorry, Thelma...
- Poor grandma.

Poor grandma? She is
humiliating our entire family.

Poor us.

Poor Alex, I never seen
him cringe so much.

Players, with just about
one minute to go in this round

I wanna remind you that
only players in the plus column

at the end of the round
will be allowed to compete

in Final Jeopardy!

- Uh-oh.
- Yes.

Ludlow, would you make
our next selection, please?

Alex, I'd like
"Science" for $1,000.

The answer there is

"Electrical power is
measured in these units."

- Thelma.
- Uh...

I-I think I must have just
had a cramp in my hand, Alex.

Sorry about that, Thelma,
but I'll need a response.

Go ahead, Thelma.

What's-what's...

That's right. Watts is correct.

That was right?

That's not fair.

She didn't even know
what she was saying.

Oh, go sit on a tack, you drip.

Thelma, you get to
make the next selection.

With pleasure, Alex.

I will take "Comedy
Teams" for one thou.

The answer this time is

"Of Moe, Larry and Curly

"the Stooge with
the curly hair."

- Oh, sh**t, I know this one.
- Yes, but Ludlow rang in first.

- Who is Moe?
- No, that's wrong.

- Cynthia.
- Who is Curly?

No. That too is incorrect.

Then why did
they call him Curly?

Alex, I believe my light is on.

It certainly is, Thelma.
Your response, please.

- Who is Larry?
- That is absolutely right.

That puts you on the
plus side with $100.

Yahoo, I'm out of the poorhouse
and on my way to the top.

And that sound
means you're all out

of Double Jeopardy! Let's
take a look at the scores.

Our champion, Ludlow,
8,700, Cynthia, 4,400.

And, Thelma, that was a
sensational comeback you made.

And because you're
now on the plus side

you will be competing
in Final Jeopardy!

That is correct, Alex.

I won't let you down.

And our Final Jeopardy!
Category today is this.

- "Shakespeare."
- Hot damn!

Thank you, Lord.

Eat my dust, four-eyes.

Hang onto your hats

as we move into Final Jeopardy!

Woo-hoo-hoo! Way to go, grandma.

She's still got a chance.

Oh, I always knew
she could do it.

Final Jeopardy! Category
is "Shakespeare."

Our three contestants
have made their wagers.

In a moment, I'm going to give
you the Final Jeopardy! clue.

You'll then have 30 seconds
in which to write your response.

Please be sure it is phrased
in the form of a question.

Our Final Jeopardy!
Answer today is this.

"The name of
Shakespeare's only son."

Good luck, players.

Alright, time's up.
Put your pens down.

Thelma, since you finished
with the lowest score,

we're going to begin with you.

- Do we have to, Alex?
- I'm afraid so.

Let's take a look and see what
you put down as your response.

"What is Bubba?" I'm
afraid that's not right.

I had a feeling it wasn't.

Let's look at your wager.
How much did you bet?

$99. That leaves
you with just $1.

sh**t, that isn't even
enough to buy a cocktail

on the plane ride home.

Let's move on to Cynthia.

Let's see if she came up
with the correct question.

"What is Marlowe?"

No, I'm afraid that's
wrong, Cynthia.

And what did you bet?

All of it, Alex.

Oh, what a shame.

That leaves you with nothin'.

Well, now we come to
our returning champion,

Ludlow Baxter.

Did he get the right question?

"What is Henry?"

No, that too is wrong, Ludlow.

The correct response
is, "What is Hamnet?"

And that means it's going
to cost you some money also.

How much did you bet?

All of it, please. All of it.

- Two hundred dollars.
- You gutless wonder.

Ludlow, that leaves
you with 8,500

but today that's enough for you
to remain "Jeopardy!" champion.

- That is correct, Alex.
- Congratulations to you.

And, Johnny, tell
Thelma what she gets

for coming in second.

Lee press-on nails, huh, Johnny?

No, Thelma, you've won
a trip for four to Hawaii.

Hawaii? Are you kiddin' me?

I'm goin' to Hawaii.

Bless your heart. I love you.

Oh, you too, Johnny.

Th-Thelma, who-who
are you gonna be

taking on this trip to Hawaii?

- Oh, take me, please.
- Take me, grandma.

I can't believe Thelma
got to kiss Alex.

Alex, I would just love
to take Paul Newman

and Robert Redford
and Tom Selleck

but I'm sure they're all busy,
so I guess I'm gonna take

my worthless family.

Wooh!

We're goin' to
Hawaii. Oh, awesome.

Aloha, y'all!