02x05 - The Egg Is Pipping

[bunniefuu]

I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, and I'm sorry, but many people with his diagnosis end up living productive, fulfilling lives.

I don't see why Sam should be any different.

I mean, I just think it's a relief, really.

I mean, now we know.

Now we can do things.

You know, like, I was reading that those noise-cancelling headphones, they can really help in situations where he's feeling overwhelmed.

I mean, it's so simple, but I would never have thought it, you know?

It makes so much sense.

So I'm gonna go to RadioShack, and pick some up, and then, there's other things, there's early interventions.

There's other therapies we can do.

There's a therapy they do with horses.

And it's called Equine Therapy.

- Well - Isn't that sweet?

Maybe we can get a second opinion.

- That was a second opinion.

- Maybe we get a third.

sh**t.

Do you remember which of my cousins is married to the speech therapist?

Is it Andy or Allen?

[ELSA]

I'm just gonna call them both.

Kids! Lunchtime! Hey, Andy?

It's Elsa.

You know exactly which Elsa, you little stinker! [ELSA]

Yeah, great.

Thanks.

Okay, your prescription's ready.

- I'll be back in a jiff.

- You don't have to do that.

Okay, I don't need meds.

It's not that big of a deal.

A panic att*ck is a big deal.

It's a warning sign.

It's your body saying, "Hey, mister, slow down.

" Panic att*ck.

It wasn't a panic att*ck.

That's just an overly dramatic way of saying I got stressed out.

I used to watch my father collapse, fall on his face once a month.

He's still kicking.

He's gonna be 85.

The doctor was very clear.

You need to take it easy.

- Reduce your stress.

- Speaking of reducing my stress, isn't it time you should be going back to Luisa's?

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

You can be grumpy with me all you want, but I think I should move back in for a few days.

No.

Thank you.

Honey, you're doing too much.

The house, the kids.

I looked at your schedule.

You're working three nights this week.

It's fine, I can handle it.

Think of all that I could take off your plate.

I could go to the store.

I noticed we're low on a few things.

I mean, someone bought the wrong bread.

We're not a sourdough family.

You know, I like sourdough.

Okay?

We're fine.

Everything's under control.

I can sleep on the couch.

Please stop.

Please.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm just going to make the beds and I'll go.

Still gonna pick up your meds.

Dad.

You hear all that craziness?

You got to let her come back.

Want me to have a real heart att*ck next time?

Dad, I watched you collapse in the front yard.

You scared me.

Just let her take care of you, and be her annoying self just for a while.

Alright, well, just for a few days.

And if it helps, I'm still going to t*rture her.

- Promise?

- Yeah, I promise.

[SAM]

One of the first rules of nature is like finds like.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

There you are.

I need you.

My mom's loser ex-boyfriend just moved back in.

Where've you been?

Life stuff, dude.

You don't want to know.

[SAM]

You would never see an emperor penguin and a south polar skua hang out together.

Sure, they're both birds Gotta love a guy who brings only the clothes on his back and a trash bag full of drug paraphernalia.

- Jeez.

- Yeah.

[SAM]

but a penguin lays an egg and tries to protect it, while the sneaky skua just wants to make it his dinner.

What's up with you?

Well, we thought my dad had a heart att*ck.

Turns out it was just a panic att*ck caused by my mom being a tramp.

It's a freaking miracle the two of us are still alive.

I know.

I knew you two were going to fall in love.

Hey, if you guys ever hook up, don't forget to include me.

- [NATE]

Okay.

- Yeah, okay.

[SAM]

Polar animals know that if they want to survive, they need creatures like them.

But if I woke up one day, and I was a skua, I'd probably fly headfirst into an iceberg.

What is he even talking about?

Sam, I'll confess, I got a little lost there, myself.

How does that relate to today's topic, "resources"?

Even if you find a group of like-minded penguins, it doesn't guarantee survival.

You still need resources like fish, or krill, or a nice mating rock.

Oh, well, that actually does relate.

So as I was saying, the combined unemployment, or underemployment rate for young adults with autism is close to 90%.

I know, it's a scary number, but that is why you're here.

We are going to change those statistics.

Does anyone in here currently have a job?

I work at Techtropolis, but I do have one strike.

What do you do with your money?

I'm saving mine to buy a defibrillator.

Well, every other Thursday my manager Bob gives me a check, and then I take that home, and I give it to my mom, and she deposits it.

So you don't have your own bank account?

What a baby.

Amber.

Okay, Sam's an adult, he's 18.

Would you like to rephrase your question in a more respectful manner?

No.

Okay.

Well, I'm sure when Sam's ready to have a bank account, then he will.

But not a defibrillator.

I need a bank account.

Oh, and good day to you, Mr.

Rockefeller.

- Because he's rich?

- Yes.

And I'm talking about money?

The more you make me explain it, the less funny it gets.

Whatever.

I can't learn to manage my own money if I don't have my own account.

But you already have an account at the best bank in town: the Bank of Elsa.

You don't have to wait in line because I deposit all your checks.

You can avoid all those beeping ATMs because I always give you cash to spend.

And you get a free hug with every transaction, or even without one.

I'd like to close my account.

Honey, you want your own bank account.

I get it, but I don't think it's a good idea.

Handling money, it's a lot of responsibility and it's stressful.

- It's fine, let him get a bank account.

- Thank you, Mr.

Rockefeller.

- Really?

- Yeah, he's more responsible than most eighteen-year-olds, more than most of the adults I know.

It's true.

I once saw my vice principal cross the street when the red flashing hand was on two.

Two! It'll be good, I'll take him to the bank tomorrow.

Okeydoke.

I'll come with you both.

- No, we got it.

- Yeah, Dad's got it.

- Chocolate?

- Blueberry.

I'm still starving.

Frankie talked me into ordering the quinoa bowl.

I feel like I just ate two pounds of air.

Should have ordered pizza.

Dude, the pizza here tastes like a stale cr*cker with ketchup on it.

Wow, I think we finally found something Newton's a snob about.

I'm spoiled.

Our pizza place, Don's, is the best.

- Then maybe we should go there.

- What now?

- Get a chance to try out Webster.

- No.

- Yeah.

- We shouldn't.

Friday after practice.

I'll tell the team.

Well, Friday it gets a little crowded 'cause there's, like, a lot of families.

So maybe like another time, or never?

- No, Friday works.

- Yeah.

Friday works.

We're excited to see where Newton comes from.

- Ooh! - It'll be fun.

Or sad.

Either way, I'm getting breadsticks.

I once saw a rat there.

No, I didn't.

The lobby's nice.

It's nice and calm.

Yes, you probably won't have another panic att*ck here.

Yeah.

Probably not.

[BANK PHONE RINGING]

You know I'm fine, right?

I just I got a little stressed.

When I'm stressed, I recite the four species of Antarctic penguin.

Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor and Gentoo.

- Yeah, I know you do.

- It helps.

Mom taught me when I was little.

You should try it next time you think you're dying.

Except, if you really are dying, it won't help at all.

Alright, I will.

Mom helped you come up with that, huh?

Yeah, she put Emperor first, but I prefer alphabetical order.

Mr.

Gardner?

Want me to come with you?

No.

It's quiet in here and it doesn't smell like anything so I should be fine.

[WOMAN]

Right this way.

Okay, Mr.

Gardner, you're good to go.

If you have any other questions, you just give me a call.

I actually do have more questions.

Should I call or can I ask you them now?

Oh, go for it.

[SAM CLEARS THROAT]

I'm okay with the panda checks, but could you notify me if you get any Arctic animal options?

Oh, absolutely.

Did you know it actually costs 1.

5 cents to produce a penny?

I did not.

Does it always smell like nothing in here or is it just sometimes?

- Always.

- Good for you.

Can you adjust the volume of the ATM machines?

- I'm sorry, we can't.

- That's very disappointing.

I hate touching the pens at the bank.

That's not a question.

Something I thought you should know.

Me too, people are kinda gross.

How many lollipops am I allowed to take?

Go nuts.

This is way better than the Bank of Elsa.

Don't you just love pie charts?

This one shows you the smartest way to spend your money.

There's a wedge carved out for food, rent, utilities, entertainment - even 10% for charity.

- Propaganda.

What?

You got me a lollipop, so I'm trying to be nice, but, dude, I can't believe you were dumb enough to entrust your hard-earned cabbage to a corrupt government-backed bank.

FDIC?

More like, "FDI-see you later, money.

" It didn't seem corrupt.

They have panda checks.

[ZAHID LAUGHS]

Look, I know what goes on in those places.

I've seen Mary Poppins.

You got to get your green off the grid and invest incryptocurrency, ASAP.

I didn't see that mentioned in the packet.

Of course you didn't.

When the great financial collapse comes, cryptocurrency will rule the world.

Rule with me, Sam Gardner.

Well, how much cryptocurrency can I buy for $7,000?

You have $7,000?

! Damn, never mind.

You gotta keep that sh*t in the bank.

Can I have a loan?

No.

That's probably the right call.

I would 100% buy a peacock.

[POP MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]

[GROANS]

This isn't comfortable at all.

That's because your hamstrings are too tight.

How do I stretch out my hamstrings?

By sitting like this, doofus.

[SIGHS]

Well, since that might take a while - [CHUCKLES]

Stop.

- [ELSA]

Door.

Hey.

- Huh.

I missed your mom.

- [MOBILE PHONE BUZZES]

- Oh, God.

- What?

It's Oh, God, just Izzie has the whole team excited to go to Don's this Friday.

They're coming all the way out here?

That's cool.

Not cool.

These are people who go to Aspen every weekend.

Don's is great, but they use sugar packets to level the tables.

- - Who's going nuts with the pizza slice emojis?

Nate.

He's Izzie's boyfriend.

Boyfriends are coming?

Can I come?

- Yeah.

Do you Yeah, if you want to.

- Of course I want to come.

These are the people you're around all day.

Just like I'm sure that you're curious about the people that I go to school with.

How come you never ask about people I go to school with?

I do.

I don't.

But I will.

I - If you want to come, you should come.

- Okay.

Then I'll come.

Hah, they're gonna love me.

[TYPING]

[FRAME CLATTERS]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[HEART BEATS INTENSELY]

Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor, Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor - Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor - [ELSA]

Gentoo.

- Hey, are you okay?

- I'm fine.

I I can't find my uniform.

I'm late for my night shift, and I washed it.

- I don't know where the heck it is.

- I'm sorry, it's right here.

I put a little lavender oil in with it, it was smelling a little ambulance-y.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, and did you see a stack of bills on the kitchen table?

Saw them, paid them.

Bank of Elsa.

Well, thank you.

[DRAWER CLATTERS]

[ARLO]

Booze fund for my Saturday night party.

The more you give, the better the beer.

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, I know how you like to party, Sammy.

Want to make a donation?

I don't like to party, but I do have $700 set aside for charitable donations.

Is this a worthwhile cause?

Yes! A time-honored Newton High event.

With a contribution of that size, our class will talk about you for years.

You'll be a legend.

- Well, like Sir Ernest Shackleton?

- Bigger.

Wow! [LAUGHS]

That's impossible.

In 1909 he was the most famous man on the planet.

- Cool egg.

- It's been 33 days.

It could hatch at any moment.

If we're lucky, it'll hatch at the party.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

Yes.

We could all watch it together in my home theater.

Oh.

That would be better than watching it on my computer.

- You know, pop-up ads.

- Totally.

[CHUCKLES]

You know what?

I actually just got this dope new subwoofer.

It'll be like you're right there in the egg with him.

Or her, we don't know yet.

[LAUGHS]

Listen For $700 we could even do a penguin theme.

Okay snow cones and a big ice sculpture, all-you-can-eat fish sticks.

I do love stick-shaped foods.

All I need is a receipt for my records.

- Hi, how was school?

- Great.

There's an official senior class event happening on Saturday at Arlo's.

- Class event?

- Yes.

It's penguin-themed, we'll watch the egg and I'll be attending.

The whole class will be there.

Huh, it's not on the senior calendar.

Why wasn't I sent an email?

God only knows what will be left on the sign-up sheet.

I'm going to have to call Arlo's mom.

Knowing her, I'm going to be stuck bringing the cutlery.

I swear, sometimes I feel like the PTA is punishing me.

Thanks again for doing this for Amber.

- She's loving it, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

Mom, look, it's a portable defibrillator.

Isn't it cool?

Wow! - I'm so sorry.

- Oh, come on.

I get it.

If you need, like, 500 penguin facts, - I can help you out, I'm your guy.

- [LAUGHING]

So how are you?

Really?

I'm good.

I'm fine.

Elsa is trying to weasel her way back into the house.

She's doing the laundry, and paying bills, and cleaning the bathroom, and Well, could you send her to my house?

I could send her to your house.

I don't know why it bugs me so much, but it it bugs me.

[CAR HORN]

Well, for what it's worth I used to try to keep my kids away from my ex as much as possible at first.

He wasn't a monster.

I was just hurt.

And now, as crazy as it sounds I'm sad they're not closer with him.

And that's my fault.

Mostly.

Let's be clear, he's still a pain in the ass.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Yeah, I hear you.

Just remember you're not going to be this angry forever.

And she's always going to be Sam and Casey's mom.

Look at all these needles! Let me see what's going on in here.

Gotta be careful with needles.

Put those back, please.

Hey, I I made too much food.

You hungry?

Your famous chop suey?

The only thing I know how to make.

Um Yeah, sure.

Just give me a sec.

Okay.

''Hey, what's up?

'' ''Hey, what's up?

How's work?

'' ''How's work?

'' Nice.

Very good.

Doug?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my God.

[CHATTER]

Hi.

[EVAN LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]

Hey.

Newton, is this him?

Yeah, this is Evan.

Evan, this is everybody.

- Hey, everybody.

- Welcome.

Anyways Hey, what's with the "Newton"?

That's just what they call me.

Yeah.

Come on.

[IN ITALIAN]

Mi chiamo Don e faccio un grande penne! [EVERYBODY LAUGHING]

- Aren't they the best?

- Yeah.

Especially me.

Hey, you know that I was her first friend at Clayton?

Oh, really?

I thought that Izzie was.

No.

No, I was wicked mean to her.

You were so mean to me.

I know.

I'm sorry about that, but I'm so nice now.

Yeah [GIRLS CHUCKLE]

Casey's a really cool girl.

Yeah.

I know.

So, how's Newton without Newton?

Oh, Newton I don't know, I don't go to Newton.

I actually go to the technical school.

But he's really smart.

We'll take your word for it.

Ew, hey! What?

You grabbed the last slice.

[SAM]

All species have their bullies.

Like that jerk, the south polar skua, who eats penguin eggs.

Arlo.

Look, the egg is pipping, the egg is pipping.

Cool.

Can I see?

Wow! - [STUDENT 1]

Dude, what the hell?

- [STUDENT 2]

Oh, my gosh.

Why would you do that?

Your mom called my house last night and told my mom about the party.

Yes, she was worried about having to bring cutlery.

My parents were going to be out of town.

They weren't supposed to know about it, you idiot.

Stupid freak.

It literally takes a precious egg, and smashes it on the ice.

What a creep.

- [SAM MUTTERING]

- [PHONE RINGING]

[ANSWERING MACHINE]

The mailbox you are trying to reach is full.

Please try again later.

But sometimes a bully takes you under her wing.

Arlo's an assh*le.

Here.

The egg is pipping.

Rad.

Yes, exactly.

Other than Don not wanting to split the bill six ways, that went pretty well.

Oh, I don't think so.

But then again, I'm not very smart, am I?

Oh, sh*t.

Evan, I'm really sorry.

That was such a shitty thing to say.

I just I was nervous and I Hey, but we we made it through, you're in.

Yay.

- Evan.

- Casey, you're laughing at jokes that you don't normally laugh at.

And all your friends at Clayton know a bunch of personal stuff about you that even I don't know about, and then I just watch some rich douche eat a pepperoni right out of your mouth.

That's just Nate.

Well, I don't know Nate.

And I don't know this "Newton" either.

- What does that mean?

- You're just different around them.

You're someone that's embarrassed of me.

And you're pretending like you speak Italian, and you're getting drunk at school.

Okay.

Well, I think that you're overreacting.

They're really cool, you have to get to know them.

I don't [LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY]

I don't want to get to know your friends.

They kind of suck.

Well, then maybe you should just leave.

Casey.

No, it's fine, seriously.

I can get a ride with someone else.

Okay.

Fine, yeah.

No, I bet you can.

Bet you can.

It'll probably be a much better car, too.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Hey.

Oh, it's you.

Do you live here again?

Well, I [DOUG]

Yeah.

She does.

There's leftovers in the kitchen if you're hungry.

Okay.

I do?

Like, for good?

Yeah, well, it's better with you here.

I know I really messed things up.

But this whole panic att*ck has made me realize that I never made you a priority.

You know?

Like, even when Sam was diagnosed, I never listened.

I just jumped right in, head first.

And we never dealt with the difficult stuff, or the scary stuff together.

But I was thinking we could start couples counseling, really try to fix this.

[STAMMERS]

I meant it's better for the kids if you're here.

It's nice to have you around in a regular way, but this doesn't change what happened.

Okay?

And this is it's too broken.

So, let's just think of ourselves as roommates.

Until they graduate.

[SAM]

It's hatching! - It's hatching, it's hatching! - Oh, yeah?

["I'M STUCK" BY NOAH CYRUS PLAYS]

[SAM]

It's a rough world out there.

Even if a penguin egg survives the south polar skuas and the leopard seals and the sea lions, and the k*ller whales it still only has a small chance of making it through its first year alive.

Three out of four don't make it.

Three out of four.

Can you imagine what it would be like if they didn't have their group to protect them?

I don't want to think about it.

What a great day.

I mean, except for when I lost $700.

- What?

- What?

Best day.

Oh, no, no Oh, no, no Oh, no, no, no, no I'm stuck, I'm stuck I never liked that kind of guy Who picked up the bill The kind of guy who ate dessert Before he had the meal When you come around In your skinny jeans I don't know how to feel But now I know the drill I'm stuck, I'm stuck That boy, he messed me up I'm a fighter, I'm a champion But I'm hanging up the gloves 'Cause I'm stuck, I'm stuck 'Cause your love has tamed The devil out of me