02x07 - The Smudging

[bunniefuu]

[VOICEMAIL BEEPING]

Hi, it's Sam, Sam Gardner.

It's Monday at four o'clock, our scheduled appointment time.

I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call.

Now it's 4:01.

Today, if we had a session, I would tell you that I'm very confused about Paige because of what happened in the igloo.

Then you'd tell me what to do.

Anyway, Paige gave me a hand-job, but now she won't even hold hands with me.

A hand-job is when a girl [VOICEMAIL BEEPING]

Hi, it's Sam, Sam Gardner?

I had a plain turkey sandwich today that had very stale bread, and I had nothing to wash it down with.

It was an aggravating lunch.

Also, I got hit by a car.

It was slow moving, so I'm fine.

Okay.

[VOICEMAIL BEEPING]

Hi, Julia, it's Roald Amundsen.

That's correct.

The Roald Amundsen, who led the first successful expedition to the South Pole.

Obviously, buddy.

[CHUCKLES]

That's Sorry, it's not Roald Amundsen.

It's Sam Gardner, your former client?

- No kidding.

- I'm practicing lying.

Did you know colleges frown on application essays about boobs?

Even very nice ones.

Okay.

[JULIA]

I'll see you next week.

Okay?

[BEEP]

Hi, it's Sam Gardner, AKA Sam.

I had my first sleepover the other night in the Dragon's Lair.

That's what Zahid calls his bedroom.

And later I was apprehended by the police on the street.

They thought I was using dr*gs.

Okay.

- [VOICEMAIL BEEPING]

- Sam.

[SAM]

Knowing your strengths is key to surviving.

[SAM]

A minnow is tiny and good at hiding.

But if a minnow thought it was huge and tried to face off against, say a beluga whale, that would be the end of that minnow.

- Hi, Paige.

- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Hello, sir.

Can I interest you in a baked good?

I'm raising money for the senior gift.

I'm in purgatory right now on the waitlist for Bowdoin, so as I always say, "Don't cry, just fly.

" - Okay.

- You want carrot cake?

They're made from baby carrots, you can tell the difference.

My mom and I stayed up almost all night making them.

They're not a hit.

What's the senior gift?

He asks, inadvertently admitting to not reading any of my emails.

It's all good.

It's a hydroponic garden.

I started gardening when I was four, my therapist suggested it.

- Okay.

- And I found a reformed drug man selling his on Craigslist for only $4,000, so Paige, I came here to tell you that, after having successfully spent a night in the police station, I feel confident that I can come with you to the senior lock-in, - and observe you in case you sleepwalk.

- Really?

Yes.

At least until 12:07.

I may be able to push it to 12:08.

Sam, that's amazing.

Thank you.

I feel like we're able to successfully move our relationship to a platonic place.

Did you say the police station?

Yes, how much are the sugar cookies?

For you?

Fifty cents, friend.

Well, that's only 7,999 more sales and you'll have your water garden.

Yep.

Hey.

So I've been thinking about the stuff with Sam and the police Yeah, me too.

It's all I can think about.

The kid must have been terrified.

Yeah, I know.

So, I drafted a really strongly worded email to the chief of police, and every other important person that I could think of, including Oprah.

- Wait, you really included Oprah?

- Of course, she can do anything.

- But, then, I had another thought.

- Okay.

What if you handled it?

- Yeah?

- Well, I mean you're a first responder.

You get these guys and you get Sam.

Wait.

So you're asking me to help out with Sam stuff?

Yep.

I'm asking you to help out with Sam stuff.

You'll do it better than I can.

- Wow.

- I'm just, I'm I'm trying not to make the same mistakes, and think I have to do everything by myself.

I'm trying.

I think it's I think it's a good idea.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Good.

- I'll see you later.

- See you later.

- Did you write me a love note?

- Oh, hey, Izz.

What is that?

You know, maybe later.

- Let me see it.

- No.

- It's not anything.

- Give it.

- It's nothing, really.

- I want to read nothing.

I love nothing.

Nothing's my favorite.

[CHUCKLES]

Please I was going to tell you in person, but I chickened out.

So I wrote it.

Obviously.

- You and Nate kissed?

- No, he kissed me.

- That assh*le.

- I know.

I can't believe he did that.

I'm going to k*ll him.

Do you want to go talk about it?

Nope.

I just need time to think.

Sorry, I'm not good at this.

Yeah.

[MS.

WHITAKER]

Let's talk about what we're good at.

Our homework this week was to make a list of all our strengths.

Who wants to read their list?

- Sam, go for it.

- Yes.

Strengths: I'm great at folding t-shirts, but not sweaters.

I never, ever forget to feed Edison.

I know pretty much everything there is to know about every species of Antarctic penguin.

- I'm a great dancer.

- Prove it.

[MS.

WHITAKER]

Noelle, he doesn't have to Oh! [RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

There he goes.

Oh, yeah.

Work it.

Work! You were right.

I won the 8th grade science fair in 7th grade.

I won the 7th grade reading challenge in 6th grade.

And I never miss an appointment.

And your teachers say that you're excellent in biology.

- True.

- I'm excellent in biology too.

Which is a good thing.

I want to be a dentist.

- We know.

- Okay, Amber.

Thank you.

Okay, guys.

We've talked a lot about asking for help and knowing when you need extra support, but it's also really important to know what you're good at.

That will help you make decisions in terms of what kind of job to get, what to major in, where to go to school who to date.

Like, I'm smart and my boyfriend's not, so we balance each other out.

I've been there.

Okay, who else wants to read their list?

Me! Finally! [CHATTERING]

I'll see you later.

Hey, Sam, can you hang back one sec?

If you're wondering who took the cookies, I saw Noelle dump, like, ten in her bag.

Narc.

No, actually, I wanted to talk to you about colleges.

I told you, I want to go.

And I'm so glad, but the application deadlines have mostly passed.

So I think I can convince a couple of them to make an exception, but I need some guidance from you.

[LAUGHS]

You need guidance from me?

You're a guidance counselor.

That is ironic.

I see that.

Look, I just need you to do some research, come up with about five places, and meet me in my office, maybe day after tomorrow, and we'll go over them?

[SIGHS]

And nice dance moves.

I liked those.

WANTED STOP DOMESTIC v*olence Dougie Doug.

Hey, Steve.

How are you?

You get taller?

You look taller.

You come down here just to bust my balls?

When you coming back to the basketball team?

We could use a new center ever since Gomez got the gout.

- He got the gout?

- Yeah.

That sucks.

No, I [OFFICERS CHATTERING]

[EXHALES]

Last weekend you picked up a kid, a teenager [STAMMERS]

You thought he was on dr*gs, turned out he was autistic?

Yeah, that was weird, man.

He was super messed up.

Yeah, but that was my kid.

Oh.

sh*t.

Gardner, of course.

Yeah, his His name is Sam.

He's 18.

He was diagnosed when he was four.

He's a great kid, he gets good grades.

He works really hard.

He's funny as hell and - smarter than I'll ever be.

- Okay.

And he's autistic.

Which means he gets very uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations.

He was doing a twitchy thing with his hand.

Yeah, he does that, it's soothing.

- Mumbling to himself?

- Probably reciting penguins.

That's also soothing.

There's other ways to deal with this besides confronting him - the way that you did.

- Okay.

Look, I hear you.

Doug, I really do, but, you know, put yourself in my shoes.

He was wigging out.

He wouldn't answer me when I gave him a direct question I know, but he had the crap scared out of him.

But we have to make split-second decisions, Doug.

So no one gets hurt.

It's not a perfect system, but most of the time we get it right.

Except, you didn't get it right.

If you had you would have known that he wasn't on dr*gs, you would have found out who his parents are, and you would have called.

So you didn't get it right.

Alright.

Here's what I'm going to do.

Put your number right here.

- [PHONE RINGING]

- [OFFICERS CHATTERING]

Okay?

I'm going to put it up here, so everybody can see it.

So next time we'll know, alright?

Next time, we'll remember who he is, and we'll give you a call.

Okay?

- I appreciate it, Steve.

- No problem.

Good to see you.

[SAM]

This sucks.

I have no idea where I want to go to college and Ms.

Whitaker's making me decide right away.

But how?

There are so many colleges.

How does anyone decide?

Easy.

Pick the school with the best chick to dude ratio.

Doy.

I made a list of my strengths.

That was supposed to help me decide, but it's worthless.

"Dance moves, good at feeding turtle.

" [CLICKS TONGUE]

Oh, my sweet summer Sam.

You really think these are your strengths?

- You're being too modest.

- I am?

For sure, dinosaur! For one, you're super focused.

Especially at work.

Remember when you saw that punk stealing an Xbox in the reflection of my glasses?

Yes, and then you tackled him.

Brains, brawns.

Two: you're dependable as heck.

Catch.

See?

I knew you'd catch that.

Three: even though you're so skinny, you're an excellent source of body heat.

I leave my space heater at home when we're working together.

- Thank you.

- You're very welcome.

Look, I know you're scared about where to go to college, but cuddle up and listen to Papa.

Life always works out.

Usually.

I think someone's stealing something again.

Son of a bitch.

Freeze, assh*le.

What?

Uh-oh.

Oh, sugar beans.

Aren't I a good boyfriend for not saying "I told you so" about that Nate guy?

[FAINT POP MUSIC]

'Cause most boyfriends would say, "I told you so about that Nate guy.

" Yeah, you're being really cool about that Nate guy.

Thanks.

You know I didn't do anything to make him kiss me, right?

- Yeah, I believe you.

- Alright.

It's just that we were joking about it happening, - and then it actually did happen.

- Yeah.

So, you know any other guy would be, like, a little bit insecure.

But not you.

- Oh, no.

- No.

Good.

'Cause you know I don't care about Nate at all.

And I think that Izzie and I can get through this.

I just I know I haven't known her for that long, but I, like, love her.

Like, we just got so close so fast.

Yeah, girls are weird.

Yeah, we bond quickly or not at all.

And I just feel like we're supposed to be friends.

Like, we're so alike.

I think we'll be okay.

I hope we'll be okay.

- You'll be okay.

- Stop.

I promised Beth that we'd meet her at Don's Pizza.

Because, as she puts it, she has a Casey-shaped hole in her heart, which is a very sexy-shaped hole.

That just sounds so gross.

That did sound grosser than I expected.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN]

helps with putting it on flat - What are you doing?

- Oh, nothing.

I'm doing a DIY.

I'm fixing the hole.

- With a hammer?

- What?

- No, not anymore.

- Let's go to Don's.

Come on.

- You sure you're okay with this?

- Don's! Don's! Don's! Yes, I'm absolutely fine.

And if all else fails, there's always Google.

That's alright.

I'll get that later.

Don't worry about it.

Shoo! Go, go.

I hate you.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Sam! I'm a polar bear! What?

No, you're not! No, it's the Bowdoin mascot.

I got into Bowdoin! - Oh, that's good.

- Oh, it's amazing! And it came at the perfect time.

I was really bummed that we only raised $45 at the bake sale.

It's the first time my snickerdoodles have ever let me down.

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's all good in the 'hood.

No shade on my parade because I'm going to Bowdoin! I still have to decide what college I want to go to before my meeting with Ms.

Whitaker.

I have no idea how to choose.

Well, I have an idea.

Why don't you just go to Bowdoin?

You get really good grades, I'm sure you could get in.

And we could be there for each other, and support each other, in a totally platonic way, of course.

- Really?

- Yeah.

And if it's too late for the fall, you could start midyear.

A lot of kids do.

Just think about it, okay?

Okay.

Did you know that a group of polar bears is sometimes called a sleuth?

No, I didn't know that.

But it looks like I'll have a sleuth of new friends next year.

- Am I using that right?

- No.

Hey.

I've been looking for you.

I flicked a freshman in the ear, I thought it was you.

I had to pretend it was hazing.

- Is everything okay?

- Yep.

[ZIPPING SCHOOLBAG]

- Did you break up with Nate?

- No.

No?

That's what I said.

Izzie, what's up?

I asked Nate about what happened.

- He said you kissed him.

- What?

No, I That is not true.

I don't know what to believe.

Believe me.

I've known him longer.

He's my boyfriend.

I've seen you guys flirt.

I just thought you liked the attention.

- Izzie, I didn't do anything.

- That's not what he said.

So just back off, Casey.

Casey?

What happened to "Newton"?

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]

- Come in.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Casey's not going to be home for another 45 minutes.

Yeah, I know.

I came to help you with the hole in the wall.

Oh, that's very sweet, but I'm okay.

Huh?

You kidding me?

This is my way of paying you back for all the dinners you feed me.

I'm sure I can figure this out.

[MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE]

Your wall is ringing.

Yeah.

You should probably get that out and then you can get started.

Tea?

Yeah.

[MOBILE PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Ow, it hurts.

Can you see bone?

I think I see bone.

You can't see bone, you big baby.

It's a scrape.

You don't have to call 911 for a little scrape.

- [MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE]

- Here.

Hold on.

JULIA - SAM THERAPIS I have to take this.

Rollerblading was a terrible idea.

I'm gonna stop trying to lose weight.

Maybe you should try something more low-impact like walking slowly to your couch.

- Hello?

- Doug?

Hi, it's Julia Sasaki.

I'm sorry to call.

I tried to call Elsa, but there was no answer.

No, it's all good.

What's up?

[GUY WHIMPERING]

- Are you okay?

- It's not me.

It's Tony Hawk over here.

I just thought maybe you were still upset with me about what happened with - you know - No, I'm good.

- It's all in the past.

- Okay.

Well, I'm calling because I keep getting messages from Sam.

He calls my phone every week, never misses an appointment.

- Jesus, really?

- Yeah.

At first, I thought it was harmless, just something he had to work through.

But the most recent one was about him being arrested?

Oh, no, don't worry.

He's good, Julia.

It was just a big misunderstanding.

They thought he was on dr*gs, and he wasn't, and everything is okay.

There isn't enough training for first responders - on how to deal with people with autism.

- I know.

I know, nobody cares about anybody anymore.

There's a fly in it.

 There's a fly in it.

Quiet.

Listen, Julia, I I gotta go, okay, but I appreciate you calling me about Sam.

Yeah, no problem.

Bye.

Listen, when you're 40, you should you know, embrace the chub.

[SCRATCHING]

Wow! That looks good.

I think the paper plate would've worked too, but this looks really nice.

Yeah, believe it or not, not the first time I've had to clean up after somebody punches a hole in the wall.

[CHUCKLES]

Not that I know that Mr.

Gardner punched this, or, you know, that anybody punched it.

Never mind.

I don't even know what I'm saying or [WHISPERING]

God, stop talking.

We must look like terrible parents.

What?

No, you just You just seem like, you know parents.

You know?

Like, people.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Izzie went all nuclear on me.

Come on.

Wow, that looks really good, Mom.

Yeah.

She crushed it.

I'm going to be a polar bear.

Totally normal thing to say when you walk into a room.

Well, I'm going to Bowdoin.

What do you know about Bowdoin?

- Well, Paige said that - Paige, of course.

Look, Sam, I know this is a hard decision, but you literally just replaced Mom with another bossy lady who's telling you what to do.

Yes, but I have to pick a college.

You gotta stop listening to other people.

What do you want to do?

What do you think I should do?

Sam, if you're going to go away to college, you have to start making decisions for yourself.

I tried.

I've done so much thinking today, I've thought myself out of thoughts.

I have no idea what I'm going to tell Ms.

Whitaker tomorrow.

Okay, whatever, no pressure.

It's just your future at stake.

Sorry, that was mean.

I just had a hard day.

My new best friend dumped me.

- The one who knows about turtles?

- Yeah.

That's too bad.

[SAM]

I thought one of my strengths was never missing an appointment.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

[SAM]

It turns out like a minnow, it's hiding in small spaces.

[PUFFS]

- What you doing?

- Hiding from Ms.

Whitaker because I don't know what college I want to go to.

Please leave me alone.

Cool.

Wow, dude this is really good.

Can you give me a tattoo of that?

I don't have the appropriate training or equipment for that.

And this room is definitely not sterile.

I think I saw a cockroach the other day.

Tat me up.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

["SINFUL" BY RHYE PLAYS]

Tell me when you know When you know Or do you acquire it for me Just lying low I tell you when I know When I know - Or would you quiet by me - [STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Shadows grow [STARTS WHIMPERING]

Perfect.

[EXHALES]

It's not a garden, but it'll do.

[SIGHS]

Paige Hardaway, this is your legacy.

[GIRL CHUCKLES]

Well, this is a bizarre twosome.

Hey, Peg.

What do you think of my little dude?

It's not a real tattoo.

It's just marker.

[PAIGE COUGHS]

Oh, my God.

Fire! [FIRE ALARM]

And it's Paige! [FIRE ALARM CONTINUES]

I was just innocently painting my bench, which is the senior gift, by the way.

You're welcome.

I didn't raise enough money for a hydroponic garden.

But I made lemonade out of those lemons in the form of a "Live Love Laugh" bench.

But I did not set a fire.

Paige, relax.

Have a jelly bean.

[PAIGE SIGHS]

Thank you.

These are not good.

I know.

I eat all the good ones first.

- Anyways, you're not in trouble.

- Really?

Yeah, really.

However, as for you two Unfortunately, we never recovered whatever it was that caused the smoke.

So either Paige was mistaken in what she saw or someone disposed of it.

She may have been hallucinating.

Paint fumes do that.

- I was not.

- Don't push it.

Okay, Sam, Bailey, you'll both be doing community service hours.

- [SCOFFS]

- Me?

What did I do?

You skipped out on our appointment.

What were you doing in the art room?

I was just hiding because I felt bad for missing our appointment.

I was drawing.

He's actually really good.

Look.

That's not even my best work, you kept moving around.

Sam, these are amazing.

Why didn't you list art as one of your strengths?

I don't know.

I didn't think of it.

- Can you go to school for that?

- Yes, you can.

- Why are your shoes all wet?

- Joined the swim team.

[WASHING MASHINE TUMBLES]

What in the world?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Laundry?

- Yep.

- That's a dumb question.

- Yeah.

So I was thinking, you know, we should do a training for first responders about how to deal with people with autism.

I think that would be incredible.

- Wait, we?

- Yeah.

I know the first responders, you know about all the autism stuff and I think we'd do a great job, as a team.

I agree.

Okay.

Alright, cool.

Mom?

I was going to write "screw you, b*tches" on the toes, but I wasn't sure there'd be enough room.

I hope they fit.

[BIRDS CAWING]

It's the lamest senior gift ever.

For a bench, it's actually very comfortable.

There's a nice amount of flex in boards three and four.

They call that rebound.

[LAUGHS]

You're so random.

[BIRDS TWEETING]

Sam?

Wow! Don't tell anyone.

[SAM]

Life always works out.

Usually.

["LIFE TO FIX" BY THE RECORD COMPANY PLAYS]

I got this life to fix Threw it all out in a ditch Broken down when I was sick Gotta build it back up brick by brick I got this life to fix Threw it all out in a ditch Broken down when I was sick Gotta build it back up brick by brick I left my home today I didn't have that much to say This time alone is all I got Singing my song in the parking lot Every day I wake this way Some the days I just can't take Get that money, get that break You ain't gonna win If you ain't gonna play