04x10 - The Customer's Usually Right

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat piano theme playing )

I am sorry.

I wish I could help both of you,
but there is nothing I can do.

I'm sorry,
but this is the only seat left

on our last flight to Boston.

But all the other airlines
are booked.

It's Christmas Eve.

I have to be on that flight.
So do I.

Oh, well, let's see, uh,

you both came up
at the same time,

neither of you
had a reservation. Uh...

I wish I could figure out
some fair way to decide. Uh.

I'll give you 25 bucks
more than the price.

I'll give you 30.
Thirty-five.

Fifty.
Sixty.

Price of the ticket plus...

one hundred dollars.

I really gotta get there.

That's too rich for me.
You can have it.

There you go.

Have a nice flight,
and a very merry Christmas.

Yeah, yeah.

How was I?

Perfect, doll. Perfect.

God, I love Christmas!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Buon Natale, everybody.

Merry Christmas, Antonio.
Where are you off to?

To Boston to share
a Christmas Eve dinner

with my cousin, Giacomo.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

Oh, yes. It will be just like
when we were boys in Italy.

First we decorate the tree.

Then Giacomo puts the baby Jesus
in his grotto below.

Right.
Then for dinner,

I will carve
the traditional Christmas eel.

Hey, whoa, whoa,
back up a second.

Christmas eel?

Uh, yes. When I was a child,
we would--

We would buy the eel
months before

and keep him in the tub.

See? Then we would feed him
and nurture him and love him.

There's nothing quite so special
as the relationship

between a boy and his eel.

Silly me.

I just had a Barbie doll.

My favorite eel was Giancarlo.

I still remember
his cute little face.

How it pained me to stick
the ice pick in his neck.

Oh! Gosh!

You ate your pet
for Christmas?

Of course not.

We saved him for Easter.

( drumming )

What on earth
is all that pounding?

Oh, good,
you hear it too.

I thought my blood pressure
medicine was wearing off.

Lowell, was that you?
Yes.

I got Lowell Junior
a set of drums for Christmas.

I'm gonna take them over
to him in Boston tonight.

What made you set them up here?
This is a place of business.

Uh, Fay, he's only 6.

I mean, what kind of parent
would I be

if I didn't check
his toys out first for safety?

I did the same thing last year
with that skill saw I gave him.

Won't all that drumming

just drive your poor ex-wife
out of her mind?

Yes. I hadn't thought
about that.

Ah, I guess that makes it
a gift for me too.

Hey, Brian, look what I made
for our Christmas Eve.

Helen, why--?
Why do you always do this?

Every year you make
a gorgeous gingerbread house,

and every year
you won't let us eat it.

Well, 'cause it's so cute.

Let me just have a little taste?

No.
Come on,
come on, come on.

I'll chew you a skylight.

No. You know
how the tradition works.

Every Christmas Eve
we go to my place,

we have a nice dinner,
we watch videos.

And then after
you and Joe leave,

I realize another year
has gone by and I'm still alone

and that's when Hurricane Helen

comes and sucks the roof
off this baby.

You must've had a real bad year.

I see you've added
a second story.

Hey, hey.

All right, Joe's here.
Let's get this show on the road.

What movie did you rent?

Well, uh, before you guys
get too excited,

I think I should warn you

that the holiday selection
was pretty lean this year.

Ooh, second story.

Wow, breaking up
with that lawyer

must've hit you
pretty hard, huh?

No, I'm completely over him.

( sighs )

So, what'd you rent,
Miracle on 34th Street?

No, no, they were all out.
Even the David Hartman version.

Psycho?

It's, uh,

more of a Mother's Day film,
isn't it?

Hey, would you look at this?

They charged me
a 50-cent rewind fee

for the movie
that I returned.

I-I-I know
I rewound that.

Yeah, so they made a mistake.
Let it go.

Aw, yeah, yeah, you're right.
It's only 50 cents.

So, what time are you guys
coming over?

Well, how about 8:00?

Great.
You know what?
This is wrong.

I-I-I'm sure
that I rewound that movie.

I'm gonna give them a call
and straighten this out.

Oh, I know how Joe feels.

I once got overcharged
for a pair of pumps at Filene's.

The advertisement said
30 percent off,

but the sales clerk
only gave me 20.

Now that I think of it,

I'll bet that clerk
just pocketed the difference.

That was almost 30 years ago,

so the 10 percent compounded
daily adds up to...

Well, enough to buy her
a closet full of shoes.

And all I've got to show for it
is a callous on my little toe

those lousy pumps gave me.

Oh, I'm--
I'm sorry.

Was that out loud?

I cannot believe this!
What?

You know, I-I-I called this kid
at the video store

and asked him very nicely
if he would please refund

the 50-cent rewind fee.

He laughed
and hung up on me.

Joe, now relax.

We've got
a nice evening planned.

Just let it go.
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're right.
You're right.

I mean, what am I gonna do,

go down there
over a measly 50 cents?

No, no, I'm not gonna let this
get under my skin.

Ah, who are you kidding?

Thank you.

I think I'll go down there
with him.

Uh, I'll return
this stupid tape.

I mean, they've gotta have
a copy of Fatal Attraction

or Basic Instinct.

Brian, it's Christmas!

Can't you think of anything
that doesn't have sex in it?

Yeah. Our lives.

Come on. We'll eat this
in the car.

Antonio?

Uh, I just spoke
to my cousin Giacomo.

Is everything all right?

No. He's coming down
with the mumps.

He's very contagious.

For the first time in our lives,

we will not spend Christmas
together.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess tonight
it will just be Soup for One

and A Perry Como Christmas
in Caracas.

Hey, uh, if you want to,

you can join Mother and me
for Christmas Eve dinner.

What? You think I got
a lump of coal for a heart?

No, no, really,
it's a very generous offer,

especially since otherwise
I would be so alone.

Oh! I'd invite you
to my house,

but I'm going to the Berkshires
with my seniors group.

Hey, come on.
What's it gonna be?

I need to know how many
turkey pot pies to defrost.

I suppose
I could go to Giacomo's

and risk catching
a contagious disease.

Big swollen glands.

Roy's house.

Possible sterility.

Roy's house.

Come on! Come on.

Please,
I just need a moment.

You're terrible!

You only take your mother
out of that nursing home

once a year on Christmas Eve.

I know you're inviting Antonio

just so you'll have someone
to talk to.

Oh, Fay,
you couldn't be more wrong.

I'm inviting him so Mom
will have someone to talk to.

Okay, Roy, I've decided.

I would love...to join you.

Fine. Don't be late.

Dinner hits the table at 7.

And Mom's head's
never far behind.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( mellow piano theme playing )

Okay, I'll take care of this.
Now, you guys can try,

but you're not gonna find
a better movie for Christmas.

Oh, excuse me,
the line forms at the end.

Oh, I-I'm not--
I'm not cutting in.

I just got
a little problem.

Yeah, so do I.
You're cuttin' in.

Okay, who's next?
I am.

Uh, look, I've just got
a quick question here.

Oh, you know what?

You need to be at the end
of the quick-question line.

Uh, where's that?

It's at the end of this one.

( chuckles )

Kid, look, I called earlier

about this 50-cent rewind fee.

And you actually came down here?

( scoffs )
Not too sad.

Why don't we make this easy?
Just let me talk to the manager.

Okay, fine.
I'll get the manager.

( shouts ):
Hey, Carter, do you know
where the manager is?

Well, yeah, Carter,
you're the manager!

And whatever you say goes.

Well, I say he goes
to the end of the line.

Sorry, man.

I went to bat for you.

End of the line.

I don't believe this.

Oh, what's Joe talking about?

There's plenty
of good movies here.

Here's one, Trading Places.

Hey, perfect.

Yeah, comedy,
Christmas theme,

just the right amount
of nudity.

Look, Brian, there's no nudity
in this film.

Excuse me.
Approximately 45 minutes in,

Jamie Lee Curtis
takes her top off.

Not tonight she doesn't.

Oh, you know, I wouldn't mind
seeing this one again,

Kramer vs. Kramer.

You know, it's family,
it's loving, it's--

It's JoBeth Williams naked
in the hallway.

Is that all you remember
from a film, who's naked?

Well, some people go out
humming a theme song.

I'm sort of a nudity savant.

Go on, test me. Test me.

Ah, that is, um,
Melanie Griffith,

vacuuming topless,
73 minutes in.

Okay, Demi Moore,
kitchen scene,

backlit by
the refrigerator light.

Ned Beatty,
scrambling up a hillside.

Whoa, talk about
a mood breaker!

Okay, who's next?

Ha! It's Mr. 50 Cents.

Should I get the manager
for ya?

No, no, no, I just need you

to take this charge
off my bill.

Well, it says right here
you didn't rewind Sea of Love.

I don't care what it says.

I rewound it. and,
uh, you owe me 50 cents.

( laughs )

Look, I know in your day
50 cents was a lot of money--

Well...

"In my day"?
Come on, I'm in my 30s.

So's my dad.

Oh, come on! Come on!
It's not my fault!

This guy's freaking over
50 cents.

Look, it's not the money!

Look, if I give you
the 50 cents,

will you get the hell
out of here?

Hey, hey, hey, lady,
it's not about the money.

It's about his attitude.

You want him talking
to you like this?

Absolutely.
It means you'd be gone,

and I'd be at the head
of the line.

Look, I am
a regular customer here,

and I demand some satisfaction!

What's the matter? Sea of Love
didn't do it for you?

You listen to me,
you little twerp--

No need
to make a scene here, Pops.

You call me "Pops"
one more time,

and I will make a scene!

Well, fine! Well, fine!
Then I'll get the person

out here who rewinds the tapes.
Hey, Debbie! Come out here!

Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, bring Debbie out here.

While you're at it,
bring out Tawny and Tammy

and the whole rewinding team!

Hey, Joe--

Look, look, look,
this is important.

I am doing this for all of us.

( groaning )

That's right. That's right.

Okay, man, this is Debbie.

Go ahead, unload on her.

Hello. Is there a problem?

Yeah, well,
he says he rewound the tapes.

He says
you screwed up, Debbie.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm usually very accurate
with these things.

I know this won't make
it right, but please--

Oh, oh, no, no, no, I don't want
to take your money. I-I--

No, here, here.

I don't need to take the bus.

My doctor says
I can use the exercise.

Look at that!

He's taking her bus fare!

What do you want from her, Joe,
a pound of flesh?

It's practically all she's got.

Look, look, look,
I-I don't want your money.

Listen, Debbie, I've had
problems with you before,

and I said I'd give you
one more chance.

Well, that was it.
You're fired. See ya!

What? What? Come on!

Are you satisfied now?

( grumbles and boos )

Come on, I didn't mean for--

I didn't want--

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( banging )

Lowell Mather, get in here.

I don't know why everyone thinks
they can play the drums.

I mean, let any fool
get near a drum set,

suddenly he thinks
he's Buddy Rich.

but nobody walks
into an operating room,

picks up a scalpel and says,

"Oh! Open heart surgery!
Allow me."

Uh, merry Christmas.

Hi. Did you call, Fay?

Oh, Lowell,
I asked you to stop that.

What do you think
you're doing out there?

Uh, that was the drum solo
to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

How did it sound?

Distracting, irritating,
and brain-numbingly loud!

All right,
I finally nailed it!

Joe, quit blaming yourself.
You didn't fire the lady.

That stupid kid did.

But if I hadn't gone down there
and stirred things up,

that woman would still have
her job.

I feel terrible.

Tell you what, Joe,
after the holidays are over,

we'll make a few calls
and we'll see

if we can't get her
another job.

Maybe she can get something
around here.

Tonight,
there's nothing you can do.

So let's just try
to have a nice evening.

Yeah, the way we do
every year.

You'll eat too much,
I'll drink too much,

we'll lie on the floor,
loosen our pants--

I'll be disgusted.

Right! It's Christmas!

Yeah. So, what video
did you guys end up renting?

We didn't.

I don't blame you after that dog
you rented last night.

Sea of Love.

Ugh, derivative plot,

Pacino at his worst.
And Ellen Barkin. Sexy?

Uh, she looks like
one side of her face

has been asleep
on a bedspread.

Lowell, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You watched that tape?

Yeah, I mean,
I couldn't sleep last night,

and it was lying there
on the coffee table.

So I just popped it
in the old VCR.

You never rewound it,
did you?

No, they do that
down at the store.

Eh, sure, it costs 50 cents,

but it seems to bring
a little joy

to that adorable old lady
who works there.

Oh, unbelievable!
I gotta call this Carter.

Maybe if I apologize and explain
to him what happened,

he'll let her
have her job back.

( drumming )

Lowell! Stop that drumming
and come out here now!

Fay,
I'm right here.

Oh! Well, then, who's d--?

Oh.

Sorry, Fay.
Those drums are like a magnet.

Oh, so everybody
and his brother knows

how to play the drums,
right?

Well, I'm putting a stop
to that right now.

For what it's worth,
Roy, really dug your set.

( excellent drumming )

USO all-girl band, Korea,

1952.

( upbeat drum and piano theme
playing )

Joe's been on the phone
an awful long time

with that kid, huh?

Must be awful having
to beg and grovel

at the complete mercy
of some 17-year-old airhead.

Just like his first date.

Hey, Joe.
What? What's wrong?

Well, uh,

after we left,

Debbie was so upset
about being fired

that she collapsed.

Oh!
What?!
Is she all right?

I don't know. They had
to take her to the hospital.

Oh, my gosh.
That's awful.

It's not bad enough, it had
to happen on Christmas Eve.

And I-I feel responsible.

I mean, what--
What if she's down there alone?

I'd better go and see
if she's all right.

We'll go with you, Joe.
Oh, no, no, no.

That's all right.
I'll catch up with you later.

Do you think he really
wanted us to go with him?

Nah. I mean, if he did,
he'd be out in the parking lot

stalling, wearing that dopey,
hangdog expression on his face.

Yeah, you're right.

Just to play it safe,
let's go out the back.

Yeah, let's do.

Okay, Roy,
I'm ready to experience

a traditional
American Christmas dinner.

Of course,
minus the loved ones.

Fine. Let's go pick up Mom
at the home.

Hey, what's that?

Uh, it's a gift for your mother,

a box of Perigellis chocolates.

Hey, what are you trying to do,
show me up?

Give me that.

Didn't you get your mother
anything for Christmas?

Sure I did. I paid for her
hip replacement. Come on.

( crying )

( mellow piano theme playing )

WOMAN ( over PA ):
X-ray technician on call,

please call the Emergency Room.

X-ray technician,
call the Emergency Room.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

I thought this was
Deborah Murphy's room.

This is her room.
Come on in.

Oh, uh, no, no, no.

I can see she already has
plenty of visitors.

Aw, never too many.
Come on in. Really. It's okay.

Oh, you must be
a really good friend of Mom's

to come down here
on Christmas Eve.

I'm her son, Mike.
Hi, Mike.

I guess you heard about,
uh, what happened

down at the store
with that customer.

Customer?

Yeah, some guy came in
and took out

all his holiday anger
on poor Mom.

I'm sorry,
I didn't get your name.

Uh, Joe-- Ed--

Jed.

Jed. You know, like, uh--
Like the Clampetts.

Look, I gotta get going.

Aw, Jed, you can't leave
without meeting

the rest of the family.

This is my wife,
Jeanette.
Hello.

This is our boy Danny.
Hi, Danny.

You must be excited
about Christmas, huh?

All I want for Christmas

is for my Gammy
to be okay again.

Well, I'm sure that that's what
we all want for Gammy.

And this is my sister Linda
and her husband Jerry.

Hi.
How you doing?

Their two kids,
Mike and Kim.

Uncle Mel
and Aunt Adele.

Hey, there.

Ah, my mom's neighbors,
the Fergusons.

Oh, hi, everyone.

And I guess
if you're a friend of Mom's,

I don't have to introduce you
to this dear lady.

You certainly don't.

Well, you know, I just came
to see if your mother was okay.

Uh, i-is she?

Doctor said
it might be her heart.

Or maybe even a small stroke.

Then again, she could sit up
at any minute

and ask for tapioca.

She just loves tapioca.

Well, you know what?

Um, I have a lot of other
shut-ins that I gotta visit,

so I'm just gonna--

Oh.
Oh, Jed!

Can't leave
without having some eggnog.

Oh, wh-- You know what,

I'd better not
because I'm driving.

It's alcohol-free.

Yeah, but I've got this, uh,
high cholesterol thing, and--

No eggs either.
It's Mom's recipe.

All right,
I guess I'll have some.

Great!

Hey, like the tree?

Mmm.

We brought it in
from home.

We're just trying to make this
Christmas like every other year.

Except Mom's unconscious,
and we're in a hospital.

Jed, would you mind
talking to Mom?

Talk to her?

Yeah, this might
sound silly,

but we've all been
talking to her

in the hope that it might help
bring her around.

Why don't you give it a try?

Nah, I wouldn't know
what to say.

Oh, what you say
is not important.

The idea is, is just hearing
a familiar, friendly voice

might do the trick.

Oh, please, Jed,

wouldn't it be something if,
when she wakes up,

yours is the very first face
she sees?

Yeah, yeah,
that'd be something.

You know what?
I really have gotta take a--

Please, Jed, talk to Gammy.

Uh, okay. Okay, yeah.

Uh, Mrs. Murphy.

No, no,
closer, closer.

Mrs. Murphy?

Debbie?

It's me...

Jed.

I just wanted to say...
I'm sorry.

( mumbling )

She spoke.
MIKE: What did she say?

Jed, you gotta tell us,
what did she say?

Gur-gel-ga-gingin.

It's a miracle!

Oh, yes, it is,
Danny!

I think this calls for a carol.

Yes!

How about Mom's favorite?

Oh, yes,
"Joy to the World."

Joy to the world
The Lord is come

Let Earth receive her king

Gammy, you're back!

Mom!

We're all here,

your whole family.

Even your friend, Jed.

Jed. Jed!

Where did he go?

He disappeared.

Oh, my God, Mike,
it's like he was sent here,

like an angel!

( bell rings )

Listen, Daddy, a bell.

Maybe Jed just got his wings.

( soft piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )