04x14 - I've Got a Secret

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat theme playing )

So, Lowell, I haven't heard
you mention Melissa lately.

Are you two still dating?

Oh, yeah.
We're really hitting it off.

Gee, I'm kind of
surprised to hear that.

Why, considering how religious
Melissa's family is,

I would have thought there
might be some small objection

to your not being Jewish.

Oh, no problemo.

Her father said
we can continue dating

as long as I get a bris.

You guys know
where I can pick one up?

Let me guess.

You don't know what her father
was talkin' about, do you?

You don't even know
what a bris is.

It's a wheel of cheese,
isn't it?

Uh, didn't he explain
that it's a religious ritual?

Lowell, it's a circumcision.

Wait a minute.

Isn't that where they...?

Excuse me a minute,
I have to make a phone call.

I mean, I really like Melissa,
but give me a break.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, doll, how about
I buy you breakfast?

No, thanks.

And I'd rather
you didn't call me "doll."

Don't tell me you're one of
those liberal chicks.

Don't call me "chick" either.

Have it your way, babe.

I can see I'm gonna have
to lay this out for you.

Women are not "dolls"
or "chicks" or "babes."

We work. We serve
in the m*llitary.

We can even vote.

So in the future, if you find it
necessary to speak to me,

it's Alex, or ma'am,
or Ms. Lambert.

Nothing else. Got it?

You're not wearing a bra,
are you?

Come on, come on.
It'll be great!

Brian, we can't just
pick up and leave.

Yeah, of course we can.
That's the point.

Be spontaneous.
Listen, listen.

Just gas up the plane,
lock the door and: Boom.

In two hours we're standing
ringside in Atlantic City

watching the fight
of the year, okay?

And-- And don't worry
about flights.

I've checked.
There's no reservations.

Ah, well,
maybe you're right.

You know, I never do stuff
on the spur of the moment.

I always over-analyze.
I always over-think.

Why do I do that? What is it
about me that makes me--?

Spare me, please.

Lowell, Lowell,
Lowell. Hey.

What do you say about dropping
everything this second

and just goin' off
to Atlantic City?

That's a good idea.

I'll see you guys
on Monday.

Hey? Lowell can do it.
Come on, come on, why--?

I-- I still have all this
paperwork I gotta do.

You're just trying
to find a reason not to go.

But I'm telling you,
there is no reason.

I'm gonna prove it to you.

Fay, Fay.

Can you think
of any reason

why someone would need to stay
here at Sandpiper

instead of goin' off
to Atlantic City

to watch a championship fight?

Oh, you two!

I'd love to go!

You know what
a boxing fan I am.

Heh, heh. That's great.
That's great. But, you see--

Is there a problem?

No, no, no.

There's not a problem.
There's not a problem.

It's just we--
We want you to know

that there's gonna be
a little more than boxing

going on there, okay?

There's gonna
be gambling, drinking,

rude and reprehensible
behavior--

You don't have to convince me.
I already said yes.

I'll just run downtown
and cash in a CD,

and I'll be ready to go.

How did that happen?

You're asking me?
All right, forget it.

We'll take care of Fay.

We'll just drop her off at a
nickel slot machine

and pick her up
on the way back home.

All right, what the hell.
Let's go.

Let's grab something to eat for
the plane, and get outta here.

Hey, Antonio.

Wanna come with us
to Atlantic City?

Ah. I would love to, but tonight
I go to traffic school.

I thought
you went last month.

I did.

But I've got kind of
a crush on the teacher.

I'm hoping that tonight
she'll sit next to me

when they show
Pavement, Bloody Pavement.

Looks like
it's just the four of us.

Hey, how you doing, Alex?
Fine.

JOE:
Helen, how about
whippin' us up some BLT's?

Sure. What's the occasion?

Ah, we're going to Atlantic City
for the weekend.

Boozing, gambling
and a perfect opportunity for me

to use my new business cards.

"Beau LaFontaine, talent
coordinator for Star Search"?

Yes.

Don't worry, Joe,
I thought of you too.

You are "Dr. Aaron Ginsberg,
ear, nose and throat."

Wait, Brian, we had plans
for this weekend.

Martha Stintson's party,
remember?

Was that this weekend?

Oh, you knew. You've been trying
to weasel out of it all month.

Helen, come on--

If you don't go,
I'll have no one

to talk to but Martha
and her miserable husband

and those whiny kids.

Why do you wanna go?

Oh, she's one of
my dearest friends.

Well, you know what? I don't
have any plans this weekend.

I'll go with you
if you want me to.

You're kidding. Really?

Why not?
Might be a few laughs.

Oh, yeah, right.
Around about 8:00

you'll wanna slit your wrists
with a Triscuit.

You know, I was out there
sitting in the plane

and a thought
occurred to me, Joe.

What? That you couldn't
go anyplace

unless one of us flew it?

( laughing )

Okay. That's two thoughts.

No, well, listen, I mean,

as long as I'm goin'
to Atlantic City,

why don't you guys
come with me?

I mean, maybe we could get
some tickets to a boxing match,

hotel room,
do a little gambling?

Even better.
Why don't we ask Fay

to come with us
for the weekend?

Whoa! Pinch me!

( upbeat theme playing )

( door unlocking )

Okay, Alex,
hurry up before it gets cold.

Hope this is good.

Oh, what difference
does it make?

It can't be any worse
than the food at that party.

Think anybody saw us
sneakin' out?

Only all the other people
sneaking out.

You know, because of you,
I'll probably never get invited

back to their house again.

How can I ever thank you?

Open up a bottle of wine,
and we'll call it even.

You got it.

Mm.

This is a really nice place,
Helen.

Thank you.

Is this you on the sled?

Uh-huh.
( cork pops )

No offense, but you
were kinda porky as a kid.

Who's this behind you?

Hm. Also me.

Your parents
live on the island?

No, they moved back to Texas

to be closer to my sister.

The married one.

That's what they call us:

"Poor Helen"
and "the married one."

Well, according to my parents,

my name is "You're not getting
any younger, Alex."

Why is it they think
we need a man to make us happy?

Who knows?

I'd rather be alone than be
with that loser we met tonight.

Oh, what was that on his head?

A toupee or a piece of sod?

I want that guy's mirror.

You know, the one that
talks back to him and says,

"Hey, lookin' good."

( laughing )

I know.

Men are so weird.

Like that thing they do
when they watch a ball game--

Wait. I-I know
what you're gonna say.

They always call you in
from the other room

to watch an instant replay.

Give me a break.
If I wanted to see it,

I would have been in there
in the first place.

I know, but that's not
what I'm talkin' about.

It's this thing:

They all do that.
What is that?

Maybe they know something
we don't.

( knocking on door )

ANTONIO:
Helen, it's Antonio.

Oh, come in.

Oh, hi.

There a ball game on?

What are you doin' here?

Oh, well, uh-- I was just--

I was on my way home.
I saw your lights were on--

Oh, hi, Alex.

Hi, Antonio.

So I-- I just wanted
to return this.

Mm. My Cindy Crawford
workout tape.

Yeah.
How was the workout?

Oh, it was very good.

The-- The ab crunches.
The thigh flexes.

Cindy got better
in every scene.

Listen, as long as you're here,
how about a glass of wine?

Oh, just the three of us?
Uh...

No, no, no, no, no.

I just, uh-- I just came by
to return the tape.

Oh, come on.

Why don't you stick around?
Nah! No.

I don't want to intrude.

If you have something
else to do--

Okay, maybe just one.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, my God!

What? What's wrong?

I just finished
this entire carton.

It serves six.

Yeah, but a serving's,
like, two ounces.

I mean, there's that much
stuck to the lid.

Oh, right. The lid.

ANTONIO:
Helen? Helen,
where is the corkscrew?

Oh, it's in the drawer
under the microwave.

You know,
I really like Antonio.

Yeah.
How often do you meet a man

that can blend
right into a girls' night?

I know. Most guys would just
act macho, and try to take over.

It really ends up
making 'em look ridiculous.

Red or white?

What goes best
with marble-fudge ice cream?

Uh, rosé, I think.

Okay, Antonio, it's time
to take that stuff off.

Okay, you're the boss.

So, what do you think
of your first facial mask?

Ah, well, I had no idea
what to expect,

but I like it.

My face feels tingly,

but at the same time,
quite relaxed.

You know, most guys
wouldn't let us do this to 'em.

They would think
it's too feminine or something.

Ah, well,
that never bothers me.

Any doubts
about my masculinity

were confronted
at a very early age.

ALEX:
Oh-oh.

Here comes one of those
manly Italian stories

about how his dad got him
a woman when he was 15.

Fourteen,
but that's another story.

No, I was thinking--

I was thinking of the time
I-I was a young boy.

Uh, my sister
was getting married

and, uh, well, I guess

I was jealous of all the
attention she was receiving.

( sighs )

So one day,

I noticed her wedding dress
hanging in the closet.

And, uh, well, I suppose
I wanted to feel special too.

Uh-oh.

You didn't put it on,
did you?

Well...

...not the veil.

Unbelievable.

Well, so there--

There I was,

admiring myself in the mirror,

and glanced out the window

and I saw my entire soccer team
looking at me, laughing.

For years after, they taunted me

with the cruel nickname
"ragazzo con veste."

Well, what does that mean?
"The boy in the dress."

Boy, Antonio, if I were you,
I would still be embarrassed.

( chuckles )

That's nothing.

I mean,
at least you were a kid.

There was this one time
when I was in college that I--

Never mind.

What did you do?

Doesn't matter.
It was a long time ago.

Well,
then let's hear it.

I mean, it's not gonna leave
this room, is it, Antonio?

You think "the boy in the dress"
is going to go blabbing?

Promise?

Oh, please.

All right.

It was my sophomore year.

Playboy came through to do
one of their pictorials.

You know, "Girls of the
Southeast Conference"?

Anyway, a couple of girlfriends
of mine wanted to go down,

so I thought, "What the hell,
I'll go with 'em."

You posed naked?

Well, it was--

Please, a moment.

Antonio,
drinking the wine so fast,

doesn't it give you
a headache?

Yes, it does. Go ahead.

Well, I figured it was going
to be a tasteful little picture

in the library, you know,
wearing shorts and a t*nk top.

Well, I guess
I kinda got caught up

in the spirit of things,
and next thing I knew,

my Dad's poker buddies were
showing him a picture of me

rolling around on the beach
wearing nothing but a suntan.

( Helen gasps )

How do you ever get over
somethin' like that?

If I ever do,
I'll let you know.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well,
that's the last time

I'm going to Atlantic City
with you guys.

Give us a break, Fay.
We had to sleep sometime.

Why? You'll have plenty of time
to sleep when you're dead.

What happened?

The woman was unbelievable.

Okay?

Running from table to table,

show to show, okay?

Finally found her standing,
6 a.m., by a craps table,

blowing on some Japanese guy's
dice for luck.

Well, all I know is I had fun.

I won $42,
I learned to play baccarat,

and I have a place to stay
in Osaka whenever I want.

Listen, Joe, thanks again for
inviting me to Atlantic City.

Hey, my pleasure, pal.

How'd you do, Lowell?

Well, they cleaned me out.

The important thing is,
being the gambler that I am,

I only took as much
as I could afford to lose.

Mm. How much was that?
Eleven thousand dollars.

Oh, Antonio,
here's your sweater.

I wore it home
the other night by mistake.

Ah-ha-ha. Thank you, Alex.

Thank you.
I had a lot of fun.

Uh, it's probably
not my business,

but how'd you wind up
in his sweater?

You know how things happen.

You have a few drinks,
tell a few stories.

Next thing you know, your
clothes are all over the floor.

Well, see ya.

ANTONIO:
Bye.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa,

wait a minute, okay?

You were with Alex?

No, no, no, no.

I was with Alex and Helen.

Even better.

Okay, okay, tell us what
happened, exactly what was said.

Oh, well, Helen was--

Helen, we know about.

Well,
I was talking about--

You, we don't care about.

What'd you find out about Alex?

Well...nothing.

You hear that?
A pause.
Pause.

Definitely a pause
right there.

No, no, uh,
I don't know anything.

And what I don't know
I can't tell you.

All right, we've established
you know something.

No, I don't.
Oh, come on.

It's written all over your face.

By the way, your--
Your pores look great.

Wh-What did you use,
a cleansing lotion?

A moisturizing mask.

BRIAN:
Avocado or mint base?

Uh, mint base.

Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.

I believe we're here
to talk about Alex.

Well, I'm afraid
you're wasting your time.

Come on, I'm in
a lousy mood right now.

I lost 500 bucks
in Atlantic City,

and I had to share a room
with Lowell.

Look-- Look, just so this
weekend isn't a total bust,

come on, tell us what you know.

I can't. I won't.

There is no way you're
ever getting this out of me.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay,
this is the last of 'em.

Every Playboy
from '85 to '89.

And, listen, we have to have
these back in Roy's office

before he gets back from lunch.

All right, now, remember,
we're looking for

"Girls of the
Southeast Conference."

No stopping
for centerfolds.

Not stopping. Just rolling
through the intersection.

Whoa,
look at these Winnebagos!

What? What?
Let's see. Let's see.

Now, in this picture
you can actually see

the chemical toilet
and full kitchenette.

You realize
if we find this picture,

our relationship with Alex
is gonna change forever.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Once you see somebody naked,

you never look at them
the same again.

I saw my grandfather naked once.

Right after that
I had the uncontrollable urge

to iron everything in sight.

Your attention, please.

Gentlemen. April, 1986:

"The Girls of the Southeast
Conference."

( smacks lips )

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Fay. How you like
my new earrings?

Got 'em down
at Marsha's Boutique.

Uh, well, you know,

they look kind of like
nuts and bolts

hanging from little wires.

No, Fay, these are made
in New York by this new artist.

They're the latest thing.

Marsha says
she's selling 'em so fast

she can't even
keep 'em in stock.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that,

because I understand
her husband's hardware store

isn't doing at all well.

I really thought
it was gonna be weird

seeing a naked picture of Alex.

Why should it?
We're adults.

We've seen a lot of
naked women in our day.

More than a lot.
It doesn't faze us one bit.

Hi, guys.

Hi.
How you doing?

Hey, Helen,

I just checked out
that new burger joint downtown.

Good news.

You're no longer the worst
restaurant on the island.

Where is it?

Where's what?

My April, '86 Playboy.
It's missing.

Roy, you were only in there
for two seconds.

How could you know that?

The same way a mother knows
when her child is sick.

You just know.

Did you say April, '86?

Afternoon, everybody.

You just couldn't keep
your mouth shut, could you?

What?
I kept your secret.

I didn't tell anyone about you
prancing around

in your sister's
wedding dress.

Thanks a lot.

I-- I did not tell anyone
about the picture.

How could you do that,
Antonio?

Yeah, if you knew,
why didn't you say anything?

Brian,
quit covering for him.

No, I'm not covering for him.

We heard it from...Phil
down at the gas station.

Oh, Phil? How's he know?

He heard it from his wife.

Oh,
and how does she know?

Well, apparently she heard at
work, down at Marsha's Boutique.

M-Marsha's Boutique?

Oh. Well.

What's the difference
who told who?

The point is...

Is, I better
go see if Alex is okay.

Wedding dress?

( chuckling )

Well, not the veil.

Hey, Alex, are you okay?

I just can't believe
he told them.

Well, you know, it's possible

that it's not Antonio's fault.

Oh, come on, he was
the only one who knew.

Funny thing about that--
Heh-heh.

--is that he wasn't.

I didn't do it on purpose.
I only told one person.

Someone who doesn't even know
you. She doesn't know anybody.

I don't know how
it got back to you.

On an island the size
of a postage stamp?

You sneeze and the guy on
the radio says, "God bless you."

Damn it, Helen!

Uh,
am I interrupting something?

Because if I am,
I can come back later.

Not much later, but I can.

I would appreciate it, Fay.

I-I'll be right outside.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do it.

I was just
buying some earrings,

and I think I just
mentioned it in passing.

Like, "I'll take the gold hoops
and speaking of naked women,

did you hear that Alex Lambert
posed in Playboy?"

I'm really sorry.
I made a mistake.

So did I.
I trusted you.

Damn it! Every time
this thing gets out,

it makes my life miserable

Not with these guys.
They'll forget about it.

Oh, yeah. They're probably
down there right now,

drooling over that picture.

Gee, Alex, "drooling"?

They probably have it
tacked up out in the hangar.

Well, don't we have
a high opinion of ourselves?

Just what's that
supposed to--?

Oh, wait a minute.

I know what's going on here.

You're jealous.

Of what?

Do I have to say it?

If you want me to understand
what it is you're speaking of.

Fine. You're jealous
of all the attention

I get around here.

Oh, please!
Let's face it:

From the day I got here,

Joe and Brian have been
following me around

like lovesick little boys,
and you hate it.

Look, I came in here
to apologize, and I did.

Now I'm outta here.

Finally!

You think I told your secret
'cause I'm jealous?

Oh,
for crying out loud!

Yeah, I do.
I think you're jealous of me.

I think you're jealous
of the life I've led.

Well, sister,
I have news for you.

I have led
a very exciting life myself.

When I lived in New York,
I worked in a strip joint.

You were a stripper?

A waitress,
but there was stripping going on

in the building.

Granted, I haven't flown
a helicopter in Desert Storm,

or I haven't lived
halfway around the world,

or I haven't dated
all kinds of interesting men,

but let me tell you somethin'--

Oh, my God. I am jealous.

( tsks )

Which means...

...I could have told
your secret outta jealousy.

Which means, I probably did,
which means--

Oh, for goodness sake.

You were jealous,
and you tried to get back at her

by spreading all that gossip.

And you?
Shame on you

for even posing for those
pictures in the first place.

Now both of you say "I'm sorry,"
and be done with it.

Hurry up.

Hurry up.

I'm sorry.

Why do I have to apologize?

Because that's what friends do.

All right. I'm sorry.

I guess I shouldn't--
Uh, that's enough.

You have anything else
to say, take it outside.

Boy, where'd she learn how
to handle people like that?

She'd k*ll me if she knew
I was tellin' you this,

but before Fay
was a stewardess, she...

( upbeat theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )