03x13 - Led Zeppelin Boxed Set

[bunniefuu]

Bill, Bill, Bill,
Bill, Bill, Bill...

Matthew.

Hey, guess what.
I saw it.

Agent Zero. I finally
saw it this weekend.

Oh, how was it?

In-credible.

The whole thing started out
with this expl*si*n.

It was like:

[MAKES EXTENDED
EXPLODING NOISE]

You don't say.
Yeah.

And, um, so I guess
Agent Zero, right,

was on the run from the, um,
government or something.

I didn't really
follow the plot.

That was confusing.

But the car chase
they had was like:

[MAKES CAR NOISES]

[MAKES g*nf*re NOISES]

No, watch out!

Run, run!

Ricochet.

Nooo.

You really bring
the movie to life.

The final scene
was hand-to-hand.

It was like:

[MAKES PUNCHING
NOISES]

And the other guy knew
"tai can do,"

or whatever it's called.

And he was like:

[MAKES EXCLAMATIONS]

Oh, God, my back.

Then what happened?

Uh, I just threw
my back out,

seriously, right now.

Oh, here, here. I know
how to treat this. Ahem.

No, I--
No, no.

Cross your arms
behind your back.

Aw, Bill.
Good.

Now grab
your elbows.

[EXHALES]
okay. Right.

Now cross
your legs.

Yes, there.
Excellent.

Now arch
your back.

I can't.
I really--

Just arch your back.
Way back. Way back.

Perfect.

Now,
you trust me?

Of course.

Ooh.

Hey, it worked.

[♪]

Ah, David, I'd
like to say something,

if you're finished
with all your business,

and all that.

Haven't actually
started yet.

Oh. Oops.
Mm. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

MATTHEW:
Good.

Anyways, I'd like
everybody to come

to my house
on Friday.

Aw, you're having
a party? Excellent.

It's like
a party.

It's really just a meeting
of my book discussion group.

No, seriously,

me and-- And a bunch
of the older members

of the apartment building,

we all get together,
and we just talk books.

Sounds like a rager.

Yeah.

Yeah, some of the discussions
do get out of hand, but...

every argument ends
in a handshake or a hug,

And that is my policy.
And I do enforce that.

So who's in?
Joe?

What's the book?

This week, it's Moby d*ck,
by Herman Mel-- Read it.

Oh, good. Perfect time
to discuss it.

Dude, the only reason
to discuss a book

is to prove that
you read it.

And I read it.

The whale eats Gregory Peck,
end of discussion.

Catherine?

I'll go.
MATTHEW: Oh, good.

If Beth goes.

Great.
Hey, thanks, Catherine.

Um, I came last time,
and it's-- I know.

--not my thing. Remember?
No, no, no.

The last time it was--
It was crazy.

It got out of hand
because of that damn book.

What book?

Little Women.

[MATTHEW SIGHS]

Whatever.

You know, you guys don't know
what you're missing.

Hey, you forgot to
ask me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Would it please
the good

Sir Lord Bill of McNeal
to join us?

Let me think.

Friday night: See a movie
or sit around spaz' kitchen

sipping tea with a bunch
of shut-ins.

Tough choice.

[SIGHS]

They're not shut-ins,
okay, Bill? They're just--

They're the kind of people
that like to stay inside.

All the time.

Well, it's hard to get out

when you're taking care
of 16 stray cats.

Each named after a child
you never had.

Fine.
Don't go.

I don't--
Just don't go.

Oh, come on, pal,
I'm only kidding.

I'll be there.
Really?

Yeah, I mean, depending
on the weather, of course.

Yeah, okay, Bill,
stop it.

Well, it's supposed to be crisp
and clear on Friday, so...

Oh, I'd been told hell
was going to freeze over.

I must have been misinformed.
Count me out.

Unless, of course,
the forecast changes.

[SCOFFS]

You know what, Bill?

I was just trying--

[CLEARS THROAT]

I was just trying--

[CHOKING UP]

Never mind.

Way to go, Bill.
What's wrong with you, Bill?

Oh, people, please!

There was blood in the water.
You all smelled it.

I just did
something about it.

He'll be fine.

Well, Bill, thanks for
that little preview

of your Nobel Peace Prize
acceptance speech.

Ah. Yeah, well,
meeting adjourned.

All right, I'll take Matthew.
You take Bill.

No, no, no. You--
You take Bill.

I'll take Matthew
this time.

Why?
Well, you-- You always get Matthew.

It's my turn.
You think Matthew's easier?

Than Bill?
Yes. Enjoy.

All right.

Uh...
It's locked. Oh.

Matthew?

[COMFORTING MOM VOICE]
Matthew, my little honey bunny.

Beth, what are you doing?

Shh-- Stay quiet.
Matthew,

my funny, honey, sunny bunny,
with tons of money--

Okay, Beth, that's enough.
I'll take care of it.

All right, fine.

Thanks.

Matthew?

It's Dave.

Matthew?

Honey bunny.

Matth-- Matthew,
bunny hon. Matthew. Hon--

[SNICKERS]

Joe, do you think you can
help me get this door open?

Yeah. Yeah.

Funny honey bunny.

[CHUCKLES]
Thanks.

Hey, Mr. James.

Hey, sweetie, where's, uh--
Where's Garelli?

Who?
Joe.

What's up, chief?
Hey.

Your last name's
Garelli?

Yeah.
Yeah. What up.

What up is I just took
the subway

for the first time
in years,

and I got ripped off.

Tell me about it.

A dollar-fifty for a token.
It's outrageous. Not the fare.

What I'm talking about here
is I lost 40 bucks

playing three card monte.

I want you to show me
how to win this thing.

Oh, Mr. James, you can't
win at that. It's a scam.

Oh, I don't know.
It looks like a game to me.

You can't win.
It's a scam. No.

The phony nuns with the buckets
at the airport is a scam.

This thing is a game,
I'm telling you.

Look, when I was a kid, I worked
an entire summer as a shill

for my uncle's
three card monte game.

I know how it works.

Ah, you lie.

JOE:
Oh, wow.

You do not lie.
Thank you.

Whatever I allegedly
said to Matthew

was meant with love.

We're like a family here.

It's not like my family.

No, but very much
like my family.

Full of love and humor,
and good-natured ribbing.

Why, our family dinners were
a regular Algonquin Round Table

of ribaldry and wit.

Oh, okay, Bill, look,
wit is one thing.

But, you know--

Oh, I remember
one time

my father came home
from a night on the town,

which, of course,
had turned into a week.

And my mother said,

"John, is there anything
you won't drink?"

And my father sh*t back,
"Poison! I'm saving it for you!"

[LAUGHS]

Jeez. Really?

And I, and my brother,
who's now an alcoholic himself,

just about d*ed laughing.

[CHUCKLES]

A-and this is
a happy memory for you?

Of course.

Another time, I was cut from
the high school football team,

and my mother said,
"Central's lost a fullback,

but the McNeals
have gained a daughter."

Jeez.
And in front of the other players too.

Priceless!
Ha, ha.

[CHUCKLING]

Good times.

Good times.

You have to stop letting Bill
get to you like this.

Yeah, I know, I know.
When he does this,

it's just Bill being Bill.

Exactly.

That's why it hurts so much.

I mean...

[CLEARS THROAT]

To me, Bill is like...

the greatest person I know.

Bill McNeal is the greatest
person you know?

Yeah. He's smart, he's funny,
he's successful.

Don't get jealous
or anything,

but I'm not the only one
in the office

who kind of hero-worships him.

Yes, you are.

I said don't get jealous.

I-- I am not jealous.

You know, I will admit
begrudgingly

that Bill does have, you know,
his winning qualities, but he--

No, no, no. You don't
know him like I do.

No, I guess I don't.
No, you don't.

You don't know him like I do.
I guess not.

Don't tell anybody
about this, but...

One time he got really,
really drunk at a bar,

and he--
He opened up.

He shared a lot of things
with me that he doesn't tell

other people, because
he's-- He's very modest.

Oh, he's modest also?

Yeah.
Oh.

Did you know that
on weekends,

he-- He volunteers
at local hospitals?

I did not know that.

And on weeknights he makes
little toys for orphans.

I guess he's got some kind of
wood shop in his basement.

Matthew. Matthew, Matthew.
What?

Listen to me, listen to me.
What?

Bill...
Yeah.

...tells you lies, because
he thinks that's funny.

I don't see what's funny
about that.

That's kind of
the point.

Ha-ha-ha, yeah, actually,
I do think that's funny. Good.

See, Bill's-- Man.
Mm-hm.

He reminds me a lot
of my older brother.

Really? What was
your brother like?

Oh, I didn't have one...

till I met Bill.

Check it out, check it out.
Find the queen, get the queen.

Where she going? Where she been?
Twenty gets you 40.

Forty gets you 100.
Find that lucky lady. Oh!

Mr. James,

you got no sh*t.

It's a scam.

Yeah, that is
scam city.

Shh. Where's
the lucky lady?

I don't know.
Show it to me.

I'm not sure.
Yes, you are.

I can see it
in your eyes.

You're way ahead of me
on this one, my brother.

All you got to do
is just point it out,

take your money, and we'll
go double or nothing, a'ight?

That one.

Boom.
You lose.

Oh, I see, I see.

So, uh, if we had been
playing for real money,

I'd be out like
160 bucks, right?

Okay.

Okay, how does this deal
work again? Okay.

You say, "Matthew, I'm sorry
I hurt your feelings."

Matthew, I'm--
What was it again?

Oh, come on.
Please?

Fine.
Thank you.

And every Monday
we come in, and we--

We discuss the movies that
we've seen over the weekend.

Okay, fine.
Bill is great.

The greatest.
The greatest.

Really.
But he did hurt your feelings, right?

But he didn't mean to.

Yes, he did mean to.
[SIGHS]

And unless you want it
to happen again,

you're gonna have to
stand up to him.

Yeah, I know you're right.

I just don't wanna
hurt his feelings.

He'll only respect
you more if he knows

when he pushes,
you're gonna push back.

You really think so?
I know so.

Okay.
And besides,

think of all the cool secrets
he's not telling

because he doesn't think
you're man enough.

Right.
Mm-hm.

You're right. You're right.
Yeah.

And when you're right,
you're right. Mm-hm.

I am man enough though, right?
More than man enough.

Let's do it.
All right.

What are we waiting for?
Let's just--

Matthew, I have something
I'd like to say to--

[GRUNTS]

Huh.

[TIMIDLY]
Oh, my God.

Well...

That went better than
I could have possibly imagined.

BILL:
Is that what you were looking for, Lisa?

Something like that?

Dave, what the hell
did you say to Matthew?

I just told him he should
stand up for himself.

Well, Bill was all set
to apologize.

Bill McNeal?

Yes.

Yes, and this is
the thanks he gets?

A fist in the face
that drops him

like a sack
of potatoes?

Ahh!
Sorry.

Bill, I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]

Well--
[BOTH MOUTHING]

No.

[MOUTHING SILENTLY]

You okay?
I'm fine.

A little humbled. But if anybody
can use it, it's yours truly.

Am I right?
He-he-he. Right.

Now, uh, for the sake
of peace in the office,

I need you not
to retaliate, all right?

I have no intention
of retaliating.

I appreciate you going to
the trouble of lying to me,

but I need you to
actually not hit him.

Why would I?

Matthew and I are even.

I made him cry,
he punched me.

I've learned a lesson about
how far you can push people.

Really?
Sure.

Same thing happened
when I was a kid.

I was mouthing off
to my brother

when we were getting
ready for school.

I'm telling you,
he punched me so hard

I was out for half an hour.

Jeez.
And when I came to,

I was on
the school bus.

Completely nude, of course.

[LAUGHS]

I remember the one Christmas,
he stripped me naked

and locked me
out of the house,

just when the carolers
were arriving.

Talk about a merry Christmas.

[LAUGHS]

Good times.

Matthew.

Matthew, it's okay.

I know you overreacted,

but Bill was just
being a jerk, as usual.

There is no reason
to b*at yourself up about it.

Yeah. No, I'm not b*ating
myself up about it. I--

I b*at Bill up.

Are you upset?
Uh-huh.

Yeah. Actually...

I am upset about it.

I'm upset because
it felt so...good.

Good?

Did I say good?

I meant delicious.

[SIGHS]

Oh. It's as plain
as day, Lisa.

Looks like
I've got the power.

What power?

Let's face it,
sweet thing.

I overthrew Bill McNeal.

I am now the king
of the office.

I can do
what I want

and say what I want,
and...

Mate with whom I want--
All right, wait a minute,

wait a minute.
Come on. Relax there, sugar.

You're gonna get
your chance, hm?

[CHUCKLES]

[CACKLES]

[♪]

CATHERINE:
Jimmy, you cannot win. It's a scam.

I know.
I know it's a scam.

It's just that
I never walked away

from any kind of deal
or negotiation,

any scam even,
without coming out ahead.

Just leave it alone, okay?
Just walk away.

No, no, no.
No dice.

See, I got a plan.

Wonderful.

Gentlemen...
Ah, look who's back.

Mr. Donald Tr*mp himself.

Hey, uh, find a lady,
you get the gravy.

All right.

Cash
in a flash.

Cash plays only.

That's my policy,
and I do enforce it.

You want
the honey,

you get the money.

This one right here.

Damn.
You got it.

You got it.
Ah, you the man.

Put the money down,
and I'll match it. All right.

Heads up, five-0.

Transit cop,
transit cops.

What?
Just be cool, everyone.

The game will resume
momentarily.

So, what kind of trouble
can I get for playing here, hon?

Flat misdemeanor,
mandatory five bills,

30 days upstate lockdown.

But I wouldn't
worry about it,

because there's
really no cop.

It's just a trick
so they can run away.

Really?
Mm-hm.

You could turn around
now, honey.

They're gone.

[TRAIN STOPPING,
MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT]

Hah.

Joseph, how we
holding up? Hm?

What we got
going on here?

Need any help?

What?

Good to hear,
good to hear.

Well, look who's
looking mighty fine today.

Oh, thank you.

I just bought
these pants yesterday.

Mm, not the pants I'm
interested in there, honey.

What?

I-I think you ought to
talk to Matthew.

Why? What's
the problem?

Something's happened to him,
and he's, uh, different.

And how could that
possibly be a bad thing?

MATTHEW:
Jimbo.

Huh?

Hey, sexy.

[MAKES g*nsh*t NOISE]

Well,
well, well...

Look who it is.

Hi, bitch.

Hi, Matthew.

Say, do you know,

is the computer network
still down?

I don't know. Why don't you
grab me a cup of coffee,

I'll check it out.
You got it.

Cream and two sugars?
That's your call, genius.

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna
check you out later.

Ooh.
Ha-ha.

Looks like ugly ties
are back, aren't they?

Matthew...
Not now, honcho.

What did you do?
Get him drunk?

Ah, did we try to
mate with you too? Well--

Dave, Matthew just told me
to go fetch his lunch.

Uh-huh.
And what did you say?

No. Duh.

But I think you should
talk to him

before he does
something stupid.

Well, like what?

Matthew just told me
to go fetch his lunch.

Oh.
Like that.

Is he still
breathing?

For now.

I'll talk to him.

Matthew, can I talk
to you for a moment?

Not right now. I gotta catch
up on my Playboy party jokes.

That's sort of what
I wanted to talk about.

You think-- You think you
could take it down a notch?

Take what down a notch?

The new you.

You-- You're
disrupting the office.

Well,
I'm just being me.

I mean, what could I
possibly change?

Yo, yo, yo, Beth.
Lunch does not fetch itself.

Come on. Chop, chop!

Uh, Matthew...
Yeah?

I'm gonna level
with you, okay?

Mm-hm.
Matthew...

All ears, chief.
What up?

You-- You are on the verge
of alienating

all of your friends here.

Well, that's the price
we pay for leading the office,

am I right, Dave,
huh?

Me and you.
People might not like us,

but they sure as hell
are gonna respect us, huh?

Or at least
they better.

Hey, check it out.
Tony Danza Jr., huh?

[MOUTHS]
No.

Dave, can I talk to you
for a second?

I'm right in the middle
of this, Joe.

Yeah, the grown-ups
are

kind of talking
right now, thanks.

On the other hand,

Joe, maybe now would be a good
time for you and I to talk.

All right?

Hey, who's the boss, huh?

Who's the boss?

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

All my sweet b*tches,
hard at work.

DAVE:
All right. Now, uh, tomorrow,

we're gonna be
a little, uh--

[CHUCKLES]

Matthew, please put
the Playboy away.

When I'm done, chief.

If you know
what I mean. Oh.

That's-- That's
enough for today.

Yeah, you're right.

So unless somebody's
got something

other than the usual
boring crap, meeting adjourned.

Sit down.

Okay. More boring
crap, boss.

Matthew, I don't know
what happened in there,

but this isn't you.

Hey, check it out.

She's a natural redhead.

Are you?

BILL:
Joe, Joe, Joe.

LISA:
Matthew,

you are skating on very,
very thin ice, okay?

Dave, you should really
talk to your little lady

about mouthing off
to the higher-ups, huh?

People. People.

Matthew here,
whether he's the old Matthew

or the new Matthew,
is my friend.

Matthew, I'd like you
to hear this.

Now, we all go through various
stages and phases in life,

but one thing
never changes.

Friendship.

And this young--
Oh!

I'm sorry. I--
No.

I--

[WHIMPERING]

Yay. Way to go, Bill.

Yeah.
[ALL APPLAUD]

BILL:
Didn't mean to hit him, really.

Good for you,
Bill. Good sh*t.

[SIGHS]
Thanks, Bill.

Poor little guy.

Good times.

JAMES:
No. Uh-uh.

Now, remember,
no playing this time.

You promised.
No, I'm not gonna play them.

I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna
talk to them, you know?

These gentlemen bested me,

and the honorable thing to do
is to admit defeat.

JIMMY: Hey, guys.
Hey. Mr. Donald Tr*mp.

And his lovely
lady friend. Oh...

Look, look, look. I-I just
wanted to congratulate you guys.

Yeah?

You b*at me and--
And my--

My hat is off
to you gentlemen.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, well, you--
You got my respect.

Now, now, come on.
Hey, tell me here--

How-- How--
How's this thing work?

Uh, it's a scam.
Yeah.

Basically, uh...
But I can't tell you.

Ah, all right.
Trade secret, right?

I respect that.
I respect that. All right.

Okay. Well, we're--
We're, good though, right?

Oh, yeah, we're good.
All right. All right.

Now, you take care.
I will take care.

And you gentlemen,
you keep up the good work.

All right.

Now, I've never
heard you

admit defeat before, Jim.
Just keep walking.

Why?
I got their wallets.

Dave, I'm--
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I was just crazy.

I was so mean
to everybody out there.

That's okay. Just as long as
we have the old Matthew back.

Yeah. He is.
He is. I--

Believe me, I've seen
my dark side, and it is yucky.

I couldn't agree more.

Yeah. And oh, oh...

I'm not gonna really
have sex with Lisa.

Hey, man, thanks.

You want me
to break it to her?

BILL:
Hi, guys.

Dave, I spilled some coffee
in my desk drawer,

and it left a gross,
sticky residue.

I need somebody
to clean it up.

Oh, oh, I'll do it. I'll do it.
Unless you... No.

Well, no, okay. I'll-- I'll--
Thanks, Matthew.

You're too good.
Oh, no, you are.

No, you are.
Oh.

Hey, did I ever
tell you about

the work I did
for the CIA?

No. Tell m--

Wait a minute. Is this one
of your crazy, funny lies?

No, no. This one is true.

Okay, tell me. Tell me.
The year was 1968.

A gentleman by the name
of Fidel Castro

was causing
a bit of a headache...

Boom! Right in the head.

And-- And-- And so he was out.
And-- And Agent Zero came down.

He unhooked himself, and...
[MAKES sh**ting SOUNDS]

Just for no reason. Just
sh**ting this laser in the air.

[MAKES sh**ting SOUNDS]

And-- And--
And just going crazy, really.

Kind of like, uh, Pacino in--
in-- Scar-- Like...

[MAKES sh**ting SOUNDS]
Gah, goh, goh. Goh, oh...

It was just-- It-- It--

We should go see it
next weekend maybe.

Well, anyways, if, um...
Because I'd--

I'd see it twice, if--
If you don't mind.

Well, if you get
this message, uh, Bill,

call me back. Um...

Bye.