01x06 - The Good Room

[bunniefuu]

Whoo!

You OK?

Ah, I just...
I just need a second.

OK.

Sorry, my Mum drives me insane
and you know, you've met her.

Yeah. I have.
And she's a lot, but she's alright.

Um, she's not,
and this is her home ground.

So, she has home-ground advantage.
OK.

Also, Lee
is the creepiest fucken man

I've ever met.

But you know,
whoo, thanks for doing this.

I honestly can't face them alone.

It'll be fine.
Parents are my speciality.

Don't worry.

Yeah, they won't be after tonight.

Challenge accepted. I'm pumped.

I fucken hate birthdays.
I know.

OK, let's go.
Let's go.

Alright, just breathe. It'll be OK.

No. No, it won't.

(THEME MUSIC)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Happy birthday, my darling girl!
Hi, Mum!

Oh!

Oh, this is different, isn't it?
Checks! You're brave.

Just the girls.
Hello.

Just the girls, yeah.

No, Lynelle just open...

What are you doing, Mum?
..yourself to me a little bit.

Can we just stand normally?
That's it.

Act natural,
as though you've just met.

That's it, and breathe.

Excellent.

Hello.
Anyway.

Um, this is Gordon...
Another one. Another one.

Just Ashley this time.
Oh.

I'll just...
Sorry.

..get the ISO in position.

..get the ISO in position.

The dream-like quality.

That's it, just part your lips
a little bit more, Ashley.

Terrific.
OK.

Anymore? No? Good, alright.

Anyway, so Gordon, this is Lee.

Hello.
Lee, Gordon.

Fantastic. Oh, OK.

Hello.
I!

You're taller than I remember,
aren't you?

Oh, I'm wearing kitten heels.

He's like a big strong oak tree,
isn't he, Lee?

Mum.

Oh, it's good
to see you again, Ms Steinhart.

Just stop it. Call me Lynelle.
Lynelle.

Ah, and hello, Professor.

Oh, the famous Mr Colin.

A-ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff.
Ruff-a-ruff-ruff-ruff.

Herro, Mr Corrin.

Welcome to our rhome.
Cripples are rost relcome.

Ooh! He does tricks!

Ah, he does.
Now, sit.

Oh, you can't.

Lee, stop it.
You're scaring the poor thing.

Anyway, hello. I'm Gordon.

Ahh! The boyfriend.

Ah well, I mean...

What are your intentions
with my daughter, young man?

Not your daughter, Lee.

No, yeah. I know.

No, yeah. I know.

Alright, everyone,

let's move into the good room,
shall we?

Ah, yeah.

We've got hors d'oeuvres
and bubbles.

Strap yourself in,
we're going to the good room.

Shall I just...

Not too many Cheds for you, Ashley.
You know, how your skin breaks out.

Fucken hell.
Mm-hm.

What's this?

A voucher?

It's a five-week cleanse.
It's called Me Foods.

All organic and delivered right
to your door.

Fiona's daughter lost kg.

Can you believe that?

Not really.

Happy birthday, darling.

The thermostat's on a timer, Ashley,

so, if you're cold,
I've got jumpers.

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, Lee.
Yeah.

I'll probably be able to tell
when you're cold.

So, um, Ashley says
that you're a professor, Lee.

Is that right?
Mm.

What do you profess?

Well, Linguistics,

Well, Linguistics,

with a special interest
in Asian languages.

Though recently I have fallen
in lust

with another muse.

Photography.
Ahh.

The pen may be mightier
than the sword,

but the camera shits on the lot.

Wow.

Oh, he's such
a dear little thing, isn't he?

He's a cutie, isn't he?

He won't wee on the rugs, will he?
We had them steamed last week.

No, it's fine Mum. Thank...

We need new rugs anyway,
don't we, Lee?

These are revolting.

Lee.

Hang on.

Ruffy-ruff-ruff-ruff.

He's a sensual little creature,
isn't he?

Sensual?
Mmm.

Um...

So...
Yes.

Gordon.
Any medical issues in the family?

Mum, come on!

The boyfriend interrogation begins.

No, he's not my...

Well, we're not, yeah...

Oh, I just assumed,
bringing him tonight...

Oh, I just assumed,
bringing him tonight...

No.
Well...

We... we...
We're...

We're keeping it to ourselves.

Mm.
For now.

Alright, suit yourselves.

Yes, retain the mystery.

The red velvet curtain.

OK.

Well, I should get back
to the kitchen.

Where you belong.

(LAUGHTER)

Check on the roast.
I hope you're hungry, Gordon.

Very. Love a roast.
Is it lamb, or...

My specialty, gooducken.
Oh.

Chicken, in duck, in goose.

Wow.
Very tidy.

But first, a toast.

years ago,

I was going
through the most intense pain

I'd ever experienced in my life,

and that includes
Ashley's teenage years.

hours I was in labour.
Wow.

...

hours.

It was not hours.
..of the most excruciating...

I'm sorry, darling,
it was hours and minutes.

Oh, I think
you add an hour every year.

Oh, I think
you add an hour every year.

You weren't there, darling.
Wasn't I?

You know, what I mean.

OK, What's your point, Mum?
Come on.

Oh, they rip away
the best years of your life,

but God forbid I talk about it.

Did I? Did I rip them away?

Anyway, it's... Yeah, God.
It's traumatic for both, you know.

Being in labour, so hard
and I can imagine, in childbirth.

You know, we've all been there.

So...
Sure.

They don't call it
the axe wound for nothing.

Childbirth?

The vulva.

Anyway, I just wanted to say,

happy th birthday, my big girl.

And to Gordon,

it's wonderful for Ashley
to have a mature man for a change,

whether you're together,
or keeping it to yourselves,

whatever it is.

To the happy couple.

Happy birthday, Ash.

Probably that, yeah.

Cheers.

Oh, and I'd also like
to raise a little glass

if nobody minds,
to a very special person

whose birthday is also today.

Oh.

My Goppa,
Ashley's great-grandfather,

My Goppa,
Ashley's great-grandfather,

who would have turned today.

Miss you every day, Goppa.

But he wouldn't have turned
today

unless he was one
of the oldest people on the planet.

Ashley.
No, it's fine.

Like toast him, but don't say
that he would have turned today

like he was taken away from us
too soon or something.

Like that's just not true.

Like there's no version of reality

where he would have turned
today.

Goppa.

No, not Goppa. No, sorry.
She does this every year.

He d*ed in his s,
like before I was born.

There's just no way
it's still sad, Mum.

This is my birthday,
and I'm still here.

It's alright, Gordon.
She's still young.

People of our generation
understand the fragility of life.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Can I help you
in the kitchen, Lynelle?

No...
Oh, lovely!

Right.
No, you stay there, darling.

Lee's been dying to talk to you.

Is that a pant-suit?

Aren't you thoughtful,
bringing beer?

Oh, it's just a little,

you know, hand-picked selection
from the microbrewery.

A bit of something for everyone.

Are you a lager girl or...

Me?
Mm.

No, I'm more
of a dry Chenin Blanc girl.

Oh, OK. Alright.

Well, I might actually have a zippy
little scrumpy in there

that you might like.

Maybe.
Yeah.

Oh, wow.
Oh!

Wow.
They're all my babies.

Can't choose a favourite.

But this one here, Helen,
she's been with me the longest.

Likes the finer things in life,
like her Mum.

Wow. That's amazing.

And are they...
All of them are girls?

Always wanted a girl.

Lee and I dream of flying to Uganda

and meeting them all.

My daughters.

You should come with us!

To Uganda?

Lee and I bought a goat
for the village

for Ashley's birthday.

Oh, I've heard of that.

You could buy two chickens
in Ashley's name if you like.

Yeah.
Or a duck.

Yeah.
Or a duck.

Ducks are only $ .

Do they do geese?

We could send tonight's dinner.
Package deal.

All my babies.

Well, this is nice.

I like your buttons.

My...
You know.

Oh. Thank, thanks.

Mm, what colour are they?
Is it fleshy?

Ah, not noticed them before.
I would say that's pink.

Pink. Pinky bits.

Yeah.

How are they attached?

Cotton.

Oh, that's new. Oh.

You're only... Did you make that?

Ah, yes, I crafted that.

That is my mantra.

You know, the key
to a strong relationship

like your mother's and mine,
is open and honest communication.

No, secrets.

No, secrets.

That's the secret.

Definitely, yeah.

Yes.
Yeah.

Yes, you just tell it all
and you hide nothing.

Love that.

That's why I come across
as an open book.

Because I am.

Yeah.

Hey, I think maybe enough photos
for today?

No, I quite agree.
OK.

Ohh.

What's this?

Observe.

This allows me to change the film

in complete darkness.

Oh, cool.

So, as not to compromise
the integrity of the roll.

Takes some practice...

but the rewards are manifold.

Mm-hm.

Ooh, there it is.

Put it in there.
Mm-hm.

Very good.

Is that horse reiki?

Mm... I work with rescue horses.

I feel such a kinship with them.

Wow.
Do you follow the horses at all?

Horse-racing?

It should be banned.
Yeah.

I mean, I... I...

Oh, that's a lovely sh*t.

Isn't she beautiful?

Such a gorgeous girl.
I'm so incredibly proud of Ashley.

Oh, Lynelle.

Oh, Lynelle.

Not that I'd ever tell her that.

Don't want her
getting a big fat head.

Did she ever tell you

what happened with James,
in the end?

She never tells me anything.
No.

I mean, I didn't ask,
but you could ask her.

Could you encourage her
to exercise more?

She won't listen to me.
Oh.

She had her bum
from her father's side.

It'll blow up if she's not careful.

You don't want her having
a big fat wobbly bottom.

I had the most wonderful dream
last night.

Oh, yes, please.

I was sitting in the room
of this house.

It was a carpeted room

and I was
with these two gorgeous women.

And they had flowing blonde hair

and I think one was my girlfriend.

And the other, her twin sister.
Hm.

And we were just enjoying
each other's company,

and it was so natural.

Suddenly, I felt the carpet
was just lifting up,

just rising up.

Just rising up.

It was then I realised
it was a magic carpet as well,

and it just kept rising and rising,

and the girls way down below.

And I got to the roof,
and the carpet was just pressing

and pressing me into the roof.

And the girls were just scratching
the underside of the carpet,

and... and the pressure was building,

and building
and... and then I woke up.

And I just felt so relaxed

but also sad
that those women weren't real.

So, it was a wet dream, yeah?

Right, the vegies
need a few more minutes,

so, it's time for the video!

No, no Mum, not the video.

Oh, come on, darling,
Gordon hasn't seen it.

You're in for a treat.
Ashley, give him a hand.

Oh, not in front of everyone,
I hope.

Jacob Murray.

He was so much better than you.

Yeah. Yeah.
Nuh, we can all see that, Mum.

Could have gone professional,

but he looks after his mother,
Trish.

Early onset Parkinson's.

Oh.
So, sad.

Sad.

Gay, of course.

Here it comes.

Oh!
(LAUGHTER)

I know, what that face means!

Yes, because you've watched it
, times, Mum!

I'm gonna feed the dog.

Oh, come on, Ashley. Lighten up!

Oh, look at her, Gordon.

Look at that chubby little
pudding face!

Oh!

There'll be tears!

Ooh, vegies are ready.

Oh, I might wash
my hands before dinner.

Someone was raised well.
That's right.

Lee! What are you doing?

Big breaths, you're OK.

I'm not. I can't.

You are. You can.

Uh-uh.
Yes...

I told you this was gonna be f*cked.

I know, and I didn't believe you
and now I'm getting it.

She's supposed to be my Mum.
Do you think she even likes me?

She actually loves you.

I don't think she loves anyone.

Look, she is a particular lady, yes.

Do you know
that I had to sit in there

with that f*cking serial k*ller

while he described
his wet dream to me?

He fucken what?
Yes! I can't.

I can't.
OK. OK, OK, OK.

But the good news is, alright,
we've done the video,

we've done the good room,
we've done the weird fucken toasts.

Yes, we have.
Right?

And as f*cked up
as gooducken sounds.

It smells delicious. OK?

So, all that we have to do now
is get drunk.

I'm driving.
OK.

So, eat all the birds,
and we get out of here.

So, eat all the birds,
and we get out of here.

Easy.

OK.
OK?

OK. OK.

Where...

It's vodka. For sweat stains.

Hit me.
Yep.

Oh, no, no.
Mm.

Really?
Yeah.

Thanks, coach.
Alright.

Let's do it.
Yeah.

We've got this. We've got this!

Well, we don't, but you know,
your optimism is adorable.

This is supposed to be stout, is it?

That is stout, yeah.
And what's this supposed to be?

That's double IPA.

Oh, that's, very hipster.

And what's... what does IPA mean?

India Pale Ale.

And what's double about it?

Ah, it's very, very hoppy.
It's quite bitter.

Yeah, it's not for everyone,
but you might like it.

Well. Bottoms up.

Oh.
Oh, Lee!

I was just... just testing.
Sampling it.

It's the way you do it
with the wine.

Not back into the glass! Honestly!

It's fine, it's OK. No, worries.

Might have some red.

Right, so neither of you
are going to have the beer?

You know, Gordon made that himself.
It's OK.

Well, I don't drink beer, darling.
Sorry.

NO, no, no,
it's totally, totally fine.

No... No, ah, yeah.
Mm!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no pressure.
So, you were saying, Lee?

What's that?

You were saying before about...
Oh, yes. Right.

No, it's just such a wonderful
social instrument, Snapchat.

Opened up a whole community
of people

I would otherwise
never have had access to.

Like who?

Oh, international friends.

We stay in touch.

People of all ages.

All colours.

Creeds.
Mm, and it's so ephemeral, you know?

You just send your message,
they read it,

and then it disappears.

It's the closest thing
to actual conversation online,

It's the closest thing
to actual conversation online,

without all those websites
owning your words and your photos

and taking them out of context.

But you do know that
when you get a Snapchat,

you can record it.

No, no, no.
No, they're gone after ten seconds.

Yeah, but you can screenshot them.

What's that?

You can screenshot them,
and then they can be circulated.

Well, I... Ah, well...

Ah, there... there you go.

Oh, I've had enough
of this chatsnap rubbish.

A toast.

Mum, enough with the toasts.
My gosh.

I thought it might be nice

to spare a thought
for dear Alejandro.

Mum, what are you doing?

Might just pop to the loo
for a widdle.

What? It's eight years today.

Have I said the wrong thing?

Why would you?
Sorry, I... I'm not um...

I'm sorry, Gordon,
I thought you knew about Alejandro.

I'm sorry, Gordon,
I thought you knew about Alejandro.

No, I... Should I?

No. No. No, it's not, um...

A boy who d*ed
at Ashley's birthday party.

Drowned.

Oh, I'm really sorry, Ash.

He's not a boy.

It was a group tour thing
in Barcelona

and um...

Oh!

Why the f*ck
would you bring this up?

Well, today is the day
he passed away.

I thought we should commemorate him.
You die twice, you know.

Once in the physical sense,

and once again when people stop
saying your name.

Well, I won't. Alejandro.

Yeah, I'm sure that he has
plenty of family and friends

that say his name.

I'm sorry, darling.
I didn't mean to upset you.

I was just thinking about him.
I'm an empath.

I feel things very deeply.

Oh, do you? Do you, Mum?

Do you feel
that there's anything wrong

with your fucken boyfriend?

Ashley!

Oh, I'm sorry,
do you not want to talk about that?

He is so inappropriate.

He is so inappropriate.

Oh, he's joking.
Now, you listen to me.

Lee is very good to me,

and after what I put up
with from your father,

I deserve that.
After what you put up with?

He finally realised
that you're batshit crazy,

and he left you.

That's enough.
No, it's not.

And you have been poking me
all night.

The constant digs,
the obsession with my weight.

I mean, look at the food portion
I got given.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

You can help yourself
if you must have more.

And then to bring up Alejandro?

Why did you do that?

Why?

I mean, you're supposed
to be my Mum,

and you know, you're supposed
to just love me.

I do love you!

And that's how you show it?

Just humiliating me
in front of my boyfriend?

It's so f*cked up!

Oh, no, quick, quick,
he's doing a wee.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Is that on the Monterey Oak?

Oh, f*ck off, Lee, ya creep!

I think she might be
a bit overwhelmed.

It's OK.
OK.

It's OK.
It's OK, Colly.

It's OK.
It's OK, Colly.

Sorry about that.
You alright?

He's... he's OK.

No, I'm so sorry.

I have to leave.
I'm gonna sit in the car.

Ashley, sit back down.
You're ruining everything.

No. No. I'm out.

Come on, Colly, we're going.

Well...

Well, I'm not letting this get cold.

Three birds in one.

Lucky me.

Hope you can handle
that temper, Gordon.

I never could.
Comes from her father.

Imagine living in a house
with the two of them.

Don't know, how I did it.

Hey, should... I should probably...

Oh, no, don't be silly.
No!

Oh, no, she'll be back
in a few minutes.

She always does this
on her birthday.

It's a vicious circle, you know?

I told her,

you keep scowling
your way through life,

you're going to look like an angrily
little Miss permanently.

Her face is going that way.

Noticed that.
Dreadful.

Why did you bring up
that boy, Lynelle?

It happened on her birthday.

I thought it might be nice
to have a little toast to him.

Did you?

I'm sorry, but I do feel things,

and I think that life is too short
not to say what's in your heart.

Except for what you said to me
about being proud of Ashley.

You said you didn't want
to say that.

Oh, she knows I'm proud of her!

She got into medicine.
Of course, I'm proud of her...

Lynelle, I completely...
I completely understand

showing me
the embarrassing home videos

and making jokes
about how hard labour was

and you know,
I get all that, completely.

But you don't...
you never balance it out.

At all.

I mean, apart from what you said
privately to me in the kitchen,

I haven't heard a single
positive thing about Ashley,

or to Ashley, the entire night.

Do you realise that?

Well, you're very sweet for caring.

But I'm her mother,
and no matter how upset she gets,

But I'm her mother,
and no matter how upset she gets,

she knows I love her.

I don't think she does.

Well, I think
I might know her better.

Yeah, look, I... I don't know

what the story
is with the Spanish boy.

Argentinian.
Those very festive people.

They were in Barcelona,
in a nightclub.

Yeah, I don't need
to know the story.

That's not important,
what's important is

it's clearly upsetting
for Ash to talk about.

But as an empath,
I'm sure you know that.

I liked her last fella better.
Did you?

Hey, why don't you catch up
with him on Snapchat?

I'm really sorry about tonight.

I... I struggled with it,

as a veteran people pleaser,
but yeah, that's... so, sorry.

Yeah, that's OK.

I'm sure we can give all of this

to the homeless people
at the soup kitchen.

Yeah. That's... Yeah.

He had a ratty face.

Thank you, darling.

We were all going out
for my nd birthday.

We went out
to this Eurotrash nightclub

We went out
to this Eurotrash nightclub

with a pool on the roof,

and um, I was...

I got drunk,
but I was supposed to be in charge.

And Alejandro, he...

he was just the sweetest guy,

but he was on pills or something,

and he was in the water...

and I looked over and I could see

that he was... he was pretty wasted,
but he was... he was OK.

And then when I looked back,
he was just not there.

He'd gone under the water,
but I think nobody saw it.

And by the time I went over there
he was unconscious and...

and we pulled him out of the water,

but nobody knew CPR
and everyone's staring at me.

You know, I'm the one in charge.

I'm the one
who's supposed to know CPR,

but I... I just didn't.

I'd done some,
like, bullshit training

ages ago
that I barely paid attention to,

and I'm...

I'm like pumping away at his chest

and I'm trying to remember
what to do.

But it just wasn't working and...

And so he d*ed.

Ash, you were a kid.

I know,
but it should not have happened.

You were .
Yeah.

It was an accident.

It f*cked me up so badly
for such a long time.

Ash, I'm so sorry.

You know, I don't think
I've ever told that story before,

to someone I'm seeing.

Someone you're seeing?
Yeah.

Someone you're seeing?
Yeah.

In there you said
I was your boyfriend.

What the f*ck.

Did I say that?
Yes, you did.

Well, you know,

that might have been
for dramatic effect.

Well, you're right.
I mean, I'm not your boyfriend.

No?
No.

I'm more of a manfriend.

Manfriend's great.
I've never had a manfriend.

You got one now.

I mean, it sounds a little sinister.

Yeah, I can be a little sinister.

That's true.

But I can also listen to anything
that you wanna tell me.

Like anything.

Thank you.

So, tonight really sucked.

Like exactly how I said it would.

I will never doubt you again.
Yeah, don't.

But um, seeing as you
were so good tonight...

Do you want to be
my manfriend at um,

Do you want to be
my manfriend at um,

my birthday drinks this weekend?

Wow. So, I passed the audition?

You've passed the first round.

Oh, OK.
There is so...

And that's the easy round.
Oh, really?

Yeah, my friends
are f*cking animals.