07x05 - Hooker, Line and Sinker

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

Is that one of those

"Draw this dog, go to
art school" dealies?

No, I'm just sketching.

I found it's a great way
to relax and unwind.

(whistles softly)
Boy, those are good, Casey.

I didn't know you had
hidden talents.

You know, I do, too.

Come here.

What?

Come here. I want
to show you something.

I've never taken this out
in public before.

I call it... "My Big Buddy."

(screaming)

Shh! Will you shush? Relax!

It's a book.

Oh.

Oh, My Big Buddy,
by Roy Biggins.

You wrote a book?

It's a children's book.

It's the heartwarming story
of Ray Wiggins,

a husky, misunderstood youngster

who learns to overcome
the hurtful taunts

of his nasty
and emaciated classmates.

I sent it around

to a bunch of publishers.

They all said
it needed illustrations.

You draw pretty good.

What do you say?

Oh, no. I don't think I...
No, no, please, no.

Look, Casey, before you say no,
just read a couple of chapters.

Please?

Well, I guess it
wouldn't k*ll me.

Thank you.

Oh, hey. Oh, Casey, listen,

I was thinking of renting a
movie tonight. You interested?

No, I can't. I'm busy.

I'm reading a children's book
that Roy wrote.

Children's book.

Roy wrote.

Okay. That's great. That's fine.

Oh, I-I forgot.

I'm busy, too.

Fay's opening
on Broadway tonight in Evita.

Hey! Good morning, Antonio.

Morning.

What? What's wrong?

Nothing.

Oh, come on.

I've flushed goldfish
perkier than you.

Well, if you must know,

I went out with Edna last night.

The big-face girl?

Brian, stop
calling her

the big-face girl

just because her face
happens to be kind of big.

Okay, it's very big.

All right, it's the size
of a satellite dish.

But she has a name,
and it is Edna...

...the big-face girl.

Well, it doesn't matter
what you call her.

It's over between us.

So then what are
you so down about?

It must be like having
a great, great weight

lifted off your shoulder.

So, uh...

how'd you break
the news to her--

over the phone
or face to...?

Actually...

she dumped me.

She said I...

said I...

she said I didn't
satisfy her sexually.

She said that she
faked her orgasms.

Can you believe that?

She faked her orgasms!

Antonio...

I'm really sorry.

I really hate
to see you like this.

Well, I better go home.

I-I just want to get rid
of any trace of Edna.

Maybe one of you could help me.

She's got a retainer
that takes two guys.

Come on, buddy.

We're not going to let you
go home and just wallow.

That's right, that's right.
You, me and Joe,

we're going to hit The Club Car.

Come on, boys' night out.
What do you say?

Don't you think
I know what you're doing.

You don't really want
to go out with me.

You're only offering
because you think I'm pathetic

and you feel sorry for me.

8:00 okay?

Do you see Antonio here?

No. I guess
he's not here yet.

Oh, man,
what a meat market.

I do not miss
this scene at all.

Yeah. Me, either.

I was here
for happy hour.

How you doing?

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hi, honey.

How do they know?

They know.

Yeah?

Okay. Yeah. I'll
pick up... right.

Milk. Eggs.
Anything else?

Oh, come on.

I hate buying
those things.

All right. Okay.

I'll see you later.

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Excuse me. Are either one
of you guys named Dave?

No.
Speak for yourself.

Uh, I'm Joe, this is Brian.

I'm Heather.

A friend of mine set me up
on a date with this guy, Dave.

I've waited for over an hour,
but I guess I've been stood up.

Heather, how would you like
to meet a really great guy?

Don't over-sell me.

We've got this friend
named Antonio.

Antonio? What's he
got to do with it?
Brian...

You know, you were never
lucky for me here.

Just, listen, Heather,
um... Antonio's girlfriend

just broke up with him.

He's really feeling low

so, since you're alone,
he's alone

maybe you could just...

you know,
have a drink with him.

It would really
mean a lot.

Sure, why not?

I'm already here.

Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.

It's really nice of you.

Oh, listen, he's here.

Don't tell him it
was our idea, okay?

Got it.
Thanks.

Hey, there he is.

I just came in
to tell you

I'm not staying.

Come on, what are
you talking about?
What?

It's too depressing to be
all around these women,

especially knowing I don't
have a sh*t with any of them.

Hi.
Hi.

Anyway, I'm just going
to go home.

I've, uh...

I've started
a new Miss Marple,

and I want to see
how it turns out.

Excuse me.

I don't mean
to eavesdrop,

but I just love
your accent.

It's Italian, isn't it?

She talking to me?

I think so.

Please say something
in Italian.

Ho parcato davanti l'idrante.

Spero che non venga trainata.

That's so romantic.

What does it mean?

"I parked in front
of a hydrant.

I hope I..."

I hope I don't get towed."

I hope so, too.

My name is Heather.

Um...

Antonio.

Antonio.

Well, nice meeting you.

Antonio, would you
like to have a drink?

What do you mean?

Would you like to have
a drink... with me?

What do you mean?

Antonio. Antonio.

I think this lady would like
to have a drink with you.

You guys read into everything.

Come on.

Look at him over there.

(laughing)
JOE:
I know, man.

I haven't seen Antonio this
happy since he found out

he didn't make enough money
to pay income taxes.

All right, uh...
I'll just, um,

I'll just bring
the car around, then.

Okay. I'll be right out.

Right.

Uh, listen, guys, uh...

I'm going to
take off, so...

Heather and I are going
to go for a little, uh...

stroll on the beach.

Really.
Great.

What can I say?

I mean, you
saved my life.

We did a good thing.

We did a great thing.

We are good friends.

We're great friends.

Hi, guys.

Hey.
Heather,

we cannot thank you enough
for what you did for Antonio.

Yeah,
we really owe you.

Actually, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

What do you mean?

My rate is $300 a night.

Your rate for what?

You mean...?

You're a...?

(phone rings)

Hi, honey.

Well, what did
you think of...

My Big Buddy?

Come on, come on.

I can take it.

Roy, your book is
very, very touching.

Oh, I knew it!

Oh, I knew it was good.
I knew it.

You really captured
how painful it can be

to grow up as an
overweight child.

I'll never forget the part
where that bully Frank

made Big Buddy cry in front
of the whole school yard.

It's... It's...
oh, um...

"Though he tried
all he could

"to hold back his fears,

he just couldn't stop
the flow of his tears."

That is very moving, Roy.

I can't wait to
read the rest.

Thank you.
Oh.

I just hope that I can inspire

metabolically challenged
youngsters everywhere.

If I can bring a smile

to just one little
Hershey-stained face...

so, did you talk
to Antonio?

Is he in yet?

I haven't seen him.

Brian, I cannot believe
what we did last night.

We... we-we bought a woman.

Don't-Don't...
Don't say it like that.

We did not buy a woman.

We rented one.

Uh, Joe...

this $300 entry
in the check register

for a Heather James.

You didn't write down
what it was for.

Uh, Fay,
that's not "Heather James."

That's...

"heater jammed."

It's a repair bill.

Well, you got ripped off.

I could have unjammed the heater
for a lot less than 300 bucks.

I-I-I don't think so, Fay.

This particular heater
was really, really jammed.

Nonsense.

Next time, save your money.

Just call me.

Sometimes all it takes
is one good yank.

Hey!

Hey.
Hey.

Last night was unbelievable.

Antonio, we don't
need the details.

For once in my life,
I've got details

and you're going to hear them.

So, after Heather and I
left The Club Car,

we drove to the most romantic
stretch of beach on the island.

We walked and talked
till about 4:00 in the morning,

and then,
I took her back to my place.

And?

She went to bed,
and I crashed on the couch.

You mean, you-you...
you didn't sleep with her?

Please.
She's not that kind of girl.

We made a real connection
last night.

I think it's going
to be even better

when I see her again tonight.

Tonight? You're going
to see her again?

Well, I sure plan to.

Oh, in fact,
I need to use your phone

because I've got to
see if she's up yet.

Call her.

Antonio, you can't see
that woman anymore.

Why not?

Relationships
turn sour.

Love fades.

Exactly. Exactly.

You want to end this now while
it's still a beautiful thing

and everyone's
still in the black...

emotionally.

I get it.

You guys are just giving
Antonio the business.

Yeah, we're giving
everybody the business.

You heard what he said-- he's
going to go out with her again.

What are we
going to do now?

How am I
supposed to know?

It wasn't supposed
to happen like this.

Oh, yes, and what
were you thinking

shoving that woman
in his face?

Oh, come on...

How was I supposed to know
she was a hooker?

I'm married.
My radar's down.

Hi, Brian, hi Joe.

Shh.

No names.

I have to get back to Boston.

If you see Antonio,
say good-bye for me.

Heather, Heather, uh...

There's something I
think you should know.

Antonio wants to see
you again tonight.

As a matter of fact,

he's in there right now
trying to call you.

Sure, why not?

He's a nice guy,
and I'm free tonight.

Now when you say free...

you don't by any chance
mean no charge?

You're businessmen.
You own an airline.

Do you fly people
at no charge?

Well, we do have
a frequent flyer program.

Oh, Heather.

Heather, I was just
trying to call you.

There you are.

Listen, um, I-I had such a good
time last night, you know.

Me, too.

Really? That's great.

So then how about going
out to dinner tonight?

Tonight?

Oh, let me think.

Am I available tonight?

I'm sorry, Antonio.

I can't tonight.

Oh, okay. Uh...

Okay, well,
how about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night?

I'm sorry.

I see.

I... I understand.

Well, for a minute there,
I thought maybe...

But what was I...

what was I thinking?
I guess...

It was very nice to meet...

Good-bye then.

Joey, come on,
look at him.
I know, I know,
I know.

It's like...
Okay, okay, but
this is the last time.

Heather,

tell him it's okay.

Antonio,

I'm canceling my plans.

I would love to have dinner
with you tonight.

You would? Really?

That's great.

Then it's a date.

A date?

You and her?

I've got an idea--
why don't you two join us?

We could all go out together.

Sure, I'd love to.

No, no, no.

We don't want
any part of that.

I mean... you don't
want us there.

Don't be foolish.

Surely it'll be fun.

Heather, you up
for a foursome?

So, Heather, what do
you do for a living?

Honey, isn't that
a little bit personal?

I just asked her
what she did...

Whoa, what is this,
an inquisition?

It's okay, I'm very proud
of what I do.

I'm...

Come on.

...in public relations.

Are you on
something?

Public relations.

Wow, that sounds
really exciting.

How could I get into
something like that?

(coughing)

Start having relations
with the public.

(pager beeping)

Ooh. Oh, I have to get this.

Excuse me, Antonio.

Okay, well, don't be long.

I am so happy
for you, Antonio.

She is just lovely.

JOE:
I don't know, Antonio.

I really think you should
go back to the big-face...

to Edna.

Are you out of your mind?

Heather is beautiful,
she's... she's smart.

And when we walk on the beach,

her head doesn't affect
the tide.

In fact,
I'm thinking of asking her

to come with me to Italy
to meet my family.

Are you nuts?

I've got it all planned out.

I'm going to take her
to the mountains

overlooking my village

and there, as the sun sets
over the spire of Santa Lucia

I'm going to ask her
to be my bride.

Antonio, you are making
a big mistake.

I say go for it.
Push, push, push, push.

Lock it in.
Put a ring on her finger.

Have her sign a paper.
Just...

Hey, you finished
the book, didn't you?

Oh, great.
Let me see the pictures.

Roy, I can't draw
Big Buddy for you.

What?

Why not?

Well, in later chapters,

Big Buddy... tends to
get a little strange.

What do you mean, strange?

Like where?

Like... well, like...

here.

"Big Buddy could
take no more

so he split Frank's
skull with a 2x4."

What's wrong with that?

Roy, you're telling children

that they can solve their
problems with v*olence.

I mean, if Big Buddy is upset,

why doesn't he just tell
a school counselor or something?

Maybe he did.

Maybe nothing ever happens

when you go talk
to the counselor.

Don't you see that's what's
great about this book.

Big Buddy takes action.

Oh, yeah, he takes action,
all right.

"Then, f*ring up his trusty saw

"he slashed right through
the bully's jaw.

"They picked on Big
Buddy once too often

so he sent them all home
in a great, big coffin."

Roy...

...seek help.

Okay, let's see.

Uh, a month in Italy--

if Antonio doesn't
go too crazy--

comes to roughly 20 grand.

Great.
We'll just call the bank

and ask for one of their
low-interest hooker loans.

Listen, listen,
I know it's crazy,

but just imagine
what will happen

when we have to tell
Antonio the truth

about the love
of his life.

It will k*ll him.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless he meets
another woman.

What other woman?

We hire someone.

Do you just talk,

or do you ever actually
listen to yourself?

Usually just talk.

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

Hi, guys.

Got your page.

What's up?

Heather, Antonio
is going to ask you

to go to Italy with him.

Well, it can't be
before the 15th,

and I'll have to be
back by the 26th,

but it sounds like fun.

Well, here's
the really fun part.

Uh, he's going to ask you
to marry him.

Oh.

Heather, what-what
should we do here?

Have you got any ideas?

Look, you seem like nice guys,

but this really
isn't my problem.

I... I'm sorry.

There's my angel.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

Listen, I need to
ask you something.

Antonio, before you do,

Brian and I have
something we need to say.

Guys? Please.

All right,
but just remember--

everything we did,
we did out of love.

Uh, Heather, um, listen.

I-I-I-I know we haven't
known each other very long,

but, uh, you have
touched my heart

in a way no one has
for a long, long time,

which is why I want
to ask you something.

Um...

will you... uh, come with
me to my native Italy?

Well?

What do you say?

I'm a hooker.

(laughing)

Beautiful and funny.

What a package.

I'm a prost*tute, Antonio.

When-when-when-
when-when-when-

when you say
you're a prost*tute

you mean that,
as a PR person

you-you sometimes have
to compromise yourself.

Hey, it's the same
in the cabby game.

I mean that men pay me
for my services.

Me, too. Most of
my fares are men.

I have sex with them.

That's where we differ.

So, you...

You really are...

Yes.

Yes, I am.

(pager beeping)

Um, sorry, Antonio.

I... you know...

I got an appointment
in Boston.

I... I got to go.

Would that be...

uh... that be
a hair appointment?

You know what?

Maybe we'd better put off
that trip to Italy.

Wait. Wait. I-I just have
to ask you something

and be honest with me, okay?

In all the time
we've been together,

you never asked me for money.

Why you didn't
try to charge me?

You sure you
want the truth?

Yeah.

Because once in a while...

...I meet a guy
who is so sweet

he makes me forget
what I do for a living.

So, uh, Antonio,
what did Heather have to say?

Did our names
come up?

Why would they?

No reason.

It's, uh... it's over
between us, you know.

She's...
too career-oriented for me.

Huh. Well, geez, I'm sorry
that things didn't work out.

Well, you know,
in a way, they did,

because if I can get
a great woman like that,

you know what that means?

I'm back, baby.

Oh, you sure are.

Hey, you never left.

What do you say
we hit The Club Car tonight?

Hey, great idea.
I'm sure there's plenty of women

that would love to meet
a guy like you.

You're going to have
to fight them off.

I'll bring
the checkbook.