07x11 - Honey, We Broke the Kid

[bunniefuu]

( knocking )

Hey, Joe, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure.

What do you think

about having a child
this weekend?

Okay, honey, but don't put
too much pressure on me.

Remember what happened
the last time.

Come on, honey, we both agreed
that was the cold medicine.

No, what I meant was,

Bob and Linda are going to
Chicago for this weekend,

and they wanted to know
if we'd take care of Emily.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
that's a big responsibility.

What do we know
about children?

I'm about to take off
for Boston.

Have you seen my flight case?

I swear you'd lose your head

if it wasn't screwed on.

Helen, I don't know
the first thing

about taking care
of a child.

Where is your jacket?

It is very cold outside.

Forgot.

( sighs )

Here, take mine.

Helen, kids
are a lot of work.

I know it's work, but someday
we're gonna have kids,

and it wouldn't hurt
to be around them.

Besides, it might be fun.

But are you sure
we're ready for this?

Hey, I forgot to go
to the bank today.

You got a 20?

What happened to the 20
I gave you yesterday?

Spent it.

I told Linda I'd call her back
and let her know.

What do you think?

Well, I guess it's okay.

I just hope I know
what to do.

Thanks.

Well, don't run
in the terminal.

They just waxed
the floor in there.

Is flight eight from Boston
arriving on time?

Yes, it is.

Oh, great,
'cause I'm expecting someone,

someone kind of... famous.

Well, it's on time.
Oh!

You know, I may not be Assistant
Director of Tourism for long.

Getting someone this famous

to come do my
"Come To Nantucket" commercial

is a pretty big coup.

You know, Casey,

I'm really not that impressed
with celebrities.

When I was a stewardess
on the New York-L.A. run,

I met them all--

Marlon "Extra Macadamia Nuts"
Brando...

Warren "Mile-High Club" Beatty,

Michael "Could you reach up
and put this

in the overhead
for me?" J. Fox.

Okay, Fay, when Deke
Hathaway gets here,

I won't bring him
over to bother you.

Deke! Deke Hathaway
is coming? Oh, God.

Austin Houston, P.I.
is my favorite show.

I love at the end, you know,
when he nails some sleazebag,

and he says, "This
party's over, Paco."

Hey, Roy, Roy

Guess who's coming?

Austin Houston,
P.I., himself,

Deke Hathaway.

Oh, that guy's a wuss.

There hasn't been a good
detective on TV since Kojak.

He was tough.

Austin Houston
is tough and tender.

You think it's easy
catching the bad guy

and being a single dad?

You think it's easy
saying "Freeze!"

with a Tootsie Pop
in your mouth?

Bud, come here, bud.

Who's the toughest
detective ever on TV?

Oh, that's easy.

Police Woman,
Pepper Anderson.

( chuckling ):
Pepper Anderson...

Not only was she tough,

but she had a body
that'd make a bishop

kick out
a stained-glass window.

( jet engine roaring above )

Oh. Joe, don't forget.

Linda's bringing Emily by
tonight at 6:00.

Okay.

Wow. We're actually going
to be taking care of a child.

Yeah. Makes me feel
so mature and grown-up.

Deke Hathaway!

Ha-ha!

Mr. Hathaway,
hello.

We spoke
on the phone.

I'm Casey Davenport.

This is my sister, Helen.

Oh, it's a pleasure
meeting you both.

( cackling )

We are thrilled

that you took time out
of your busy schedule

to promote
our little island.

Oh, I'm happy
to be here.
( cackling )

If you could just
come this way.

Sure.

( cackling )

Stop it!

( yelling )

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Do you
know who you are?

You're Deke Hathaway,
Austin Houston, P.I.

Yes, I am.
Ah!

Can I... can I
just tell you...

I-I loved
the episode

where you busted
those evil oilmen,

and then you delivered
the baby goat.

God, I was so moved.

Well, any time
you can entertain

and give a message...

Deke, I'm sure you'd love
to get to your hotel room

so why don't I
call you a cab?

( yelling )

I'm a cab!
I'm a cab!

I'm... I'm a driver.

I'm a cab driver.

Taxi?

Well... okay.

Antonio, why don't you
just go get his luggage?

That would
be so cool.

Um, Deke?

I have to get back
to the office,

but if there's anything
you need tonight,

you just give me a call.

I'll be happy to put out.

Myself... put myself out.

Oh, you know what I mean.

( seductively ):
Don't you?

Yes, I do.

Oh, man. Would you
look at that?
Yeah.

JOE:
I wonder what it
would be like

to be Deke Hathaway
for one day?

He's rich, he's
famous, he's...

Gay.

What, what?
He's what?

He's not a heterosexual.

He just plays one on TV.

How do you know?

I read it
in an interview he gave.

He's actually
very open about it.

He's also
a strict vegetarian.

Wow. That's hard
to believe.

A guy like that,
a vegetarian.

So, uh... I bet
you'll be going

to some big party
tonight, huh?

Close. I was going
to order room service

and dial up a movie.

Austin Houston alone
on a Friday night?

No.

Well, actually, yes.

Wow. Look, I...
I don't mean to be pushy.

Feel free to say "no,"

but, well, I, I, I know some
little out-of-the-way places

most tourists
don't get to see, so, uh...

if you, if you like,
you know, I, I could take you.

Why not?

Sounds like fun.

You're on.

Really? Ha!

Great, great. You just
put yourself in my hands.

Trust me.

This party's just
beginning, Paco.

( doorbell chimes )

Hi!
Hi.
Hi.

Come on in.

We can't thank you enough
for doing this.

You are lifesavers.

You're going to have lots of fun
with Joe and Helen, right?

Mommy and Daddy are going
to be back on Sunday.

We love you.

Oh, now,
her clothes,
her dolly,

everything she needs
are in the suitcase.

And I put our number
in Chicago in there, too.

We'll be fine.
LINDA:
Oh, thanks.

Bye, sweetie.

Bye, Mommy.
Oh...

Mm...
Be a good girl.

Okay.
Okay.

Bye, Mommy.
Bye, Daddy.
Bye-bye.

Have a safe trip.

All right, thanks.
We'll call you.

( sighs )

So...

So...!

Would you care
to sit down?

Okay.

Well, what do you think
of our place?

It's nice.

Well, it's
a really funny story.

This isn't really my house.

My house was way on the
other side of the island,

but there was
this awful fire.

It b*rned down; there was
nothing left but...

Helen, Helen.
What?

Sidebar.

Uh, I think the
story of a fire

might be... too scary
for a little girl.

She's just a kid.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Yeah. What was I thinking?

So...
So what would
you like to do?

I'm hungry.

Oh, well, then let's get
you something to eat.

We've got cookies,
cake, ice cream...

Joe.
What?

Sidebar.

You don't feed a child
stuff like that.

You don't?

No. That's what
my mother used to do.

She gorged me
every minute
with sweets.

It got so bad
that the only part

of my brownie uniform
that fit was the beret.

Okay, Helen,
good point.

It's a good point.

So, you're hungry.

So I'm going to go
into the kitchen

and I'm going to
make you a yummy plate

of fruits, nuts
and lowfat cottage cheese.

But he said there was ice cream.

Oh, you don't want
to eat that stuff.

You know what happens
to little girls

that eat ice cream?

They become big fatties.

And then on prom night,
they don't have a real date,

they have to go
with their cousin Stewie.

So you wait here,

and Joe and I will go get
those low-cal treats.

Wait, wait.

You're going to
leave her here alone?

It's just
in the kitchen.

Helen...
What?

Sidebar.

Helen, her parents
just left.

We can't leave
her here alone.

She'll feel abandoned.

Joe, we're just going
for fruit.

Yeah, my mother was just
going for groceries.

Next thing I know,
I'm in therapy

talking to a
mommy puppet.

Trust me.

You walk out
on a child--

something they
never forget.

Okay, I guess
you're right.

Emily...

how about you, me and Joe
going in the kitchen

and make a good,
healthy snack

like a big,
happy family?

Look at us, Joe.

We're naturals.

CASEY:
Oh, there you are!

Antonio, you were supposed
to have him here

like a half an hour ago.

Oh, Casey, it's
completely my fault.

I've been looking
for a shaker rug
for my dining room,

and there was one
in a shop window
that looked perfect.

I loved it,
but, uh, too much teal.

Well, I'm sure if Deke
didn't think it was right,

it wasn't right.

I mean, he seems like a man
who knows what he wants.

Thanks. Listen,
Casey, do you think

we'll be sh**ting
right through lunch?

Oh, um, I mean,
I guess I can arrange it

so we're free
for a few hours.

Great!
So, what do you say

we check out
that seafood place?

Yeah. Sure,
it's a date.

Um, Deke,
director's all ready,

and the camera's
all set up.

All they're
waiting for is...

( girlishly):
you.

Later, Antonio.

Gotcha.

Oh, wow.

You know, in my
wildest dreams,

I never thought
I would have a buddy

like Austin Houston, P.I.

Listen, last night after
you two dropped me off,

did Deke ask about me?

Ah, let me see...

uh, when we left
your place, we, uh...

we went for a stroll
on the beach, and...

we... we had
a frozen yogurt...

then we went, uh...

window-shopping
on Main Street.

Nope. Your name
didn't come up.

Oh, sh**t! I bet
he's got a girlfriend.

Nah, he didn't
mention one.

But, I mean...
let's face it,

a guy like Deke can have
whatever woman he wants.

All he has
to do is call.

Any girl would
come running.

Hey, Antonio,
come watch this.

Sure, Deke.

You see here, Emily?

This is the terminal
where we work.

Now, you see that plane
right out there?

See that?

That's what I fly,
right there,

and Helen works
right over here.

That's right.
You know, these days,

women don't just
cook and clean,

they have careers.

So what do you
want to do now?

I don't know.

Um... hey, would
you like to see

how an airplane
goes up in the air?
Yeah.

All right! Okay, well,
it's a simple matter

of lift, thrust
and drag coefficient.

Now, just imagine that the
value of drag coefficient

is equal to "X" and...

Joe, Bud has a question
for you in the hangar.

Oh, okay. We will
finish this game later.

The fun's not over.

All right. Oh, Fay, can you
watch her for one minute?

Oh, sure.
Okay.

Emily, this is Fay,
She's our ticket agent.

Hi, dear.

You're pretty cute.

Thanks.

Do you have any children?

Uh, well, no, dear.

Uh, my first husband, George,
was a dentist,

a bit of a renegade.

He refused to wear the lead
apron and, well... zap.

My second husband, George,
could have children, but...

apparently only
with my neighbor.

Uh, my third George
was also able-bodied,

but by that time it was...

Listen, kid,
you make choices in life.

Sure, they gnaw at you,

but you get a cat
and try not to be bitter.

I'm back, Princess.
Thank you, Fay.

Oh, we had fun, didn't we?

Here you go.

Dried prunes and figs,
the fiber fruits.

I'm supposed to wash my hands
before I eat.

Oh, okay. I'll
go with you.

My mommy lets me go by myself.

Sidebar.
Sidebar.

I don't know, Joe.
What do you think?

It's your call.
It's a tough one.

We're supposed to
watch out for her.

On the other hand, we don't want
to stifle her independence.

Maybe we should
let her go?
Okay.

I think we made
a good decision.
Yeah I think so, too.

Okay, sweetie, you can go
by yourself, but remember,

we'll be right here
when you get back.

Yes, I know.

It's right up
the stairs there.

Oh, wow, she is
having a ball.

Time of her life.

What are we worried about?
We're going to be great parents.

We sure are.

Although, you know,

if you're open to just a little
constructive criticism--

you know this whole thing

with the fruits
and grains and sprouts?

Right.

You might want to ease off
on that just a bit

because it's... well,
it's a little loony.

Okay, honey. Thanks.

Well, you know,
now that you mentioned it,

you know that lecture
that you gave Emily last night

on, you know, the emergency
safety procedures

in case we get separated?

Well, I think that's sort of
a little, I don't know...

psycho?

Uh-huh.

Psycho. Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, now that we're talking,
you know that mung bean compote

you made last night
as a fun dessert?

Well, that was neither fun
nor dessert.

It was just plain mung.

Joe, what are we doing?

We're nitpicking.

She's having
a very good time.

That's all that matters.

No, she's not laughing or
giggling or... or smiling...

She's just not
that kind of kid.

I mean, she, she's quiet.
She's shy.

She's sort of reserved.
She is.

Oh, oh, oh! Stop persecuting me!

Stop persecuting me!

I see you
met Brian.

He's my brother.

No way.

( yawning )
So, is she all tucked in?

Yep. Boy, you know,

they say putting a child
to bed is hard,

but not for us.

She ran upstairs,
closed the door,

turned out the lights

and said, "See you
in the morning."

What a great kid.

Uh-huh.

So you tired?

Oh, yeah. You?

Huh, exhausted.

Well, they say having
a kid's a lot of work.

They're right.

They also say your sex life
is the first to go.

So, you in the mood?

Are you?

Always.

Me, too.

Helen, Joe...

Hello!

I don't feel very good.

You don't feel very good?

She doesn't feel very good.

What, what doesn't
feel very good?

My tummy.

Her tummy.
He tummy doesn't feel good.

Feel her head.

I'm feeling her head.
I can't tell anything.

Well, feel your head
and then feel her head.

Still can't tell.

Then feel my head,
and then feel your head

and then
feel her head.

I can't,
I still can't tell.

I can't tell.
All right, all right.

Okay,
I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to call my old
pediatrician, Dr. Jim.

Oh, Dr. Jim is dead.

Dr. Jim is dead?

He wasn't that old.

Not only is Dr. Jim dead,
but Dr. Jim's son is dead.

What are we going to do?

Sidebar.

No, enough of the sidebar.

We gotta get her
to the hospital.

The hospital?

Oh, no. Did I say
the hospital?

No. I meant...
the circus.

Get dressed.

Hurry up, Joe.

I'm hurrying.

I am hurrying.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

What? What now?

I caught myself in my fly.

It's a good thing we're
going to the... circus.

Well, Emily, your mom and dad
will be back from their trip
in a few minutes.

What would you like
to do until then?

Would it be okay

if I waited for
them over there?

Well, uh...
I think that...

I promise I won't eat
anything fattening

or talk to strangers

or feel unloved
or hitchhike to Vegas.

Honey, when we said
those things, what we meant...

Joe, give it up.

Gosh, it usually
takes 18 years

before you hate
your parents.

She doesn't hate
her parents.

She hates us.

Oh, I just can't
help but believe

that this is all...

I don't know...

well, your fault.

My fault?

You kept following her
around. You smothered her.

I'm not the one
that crammed her
so full of fruit,

she had to be hospitalized.

The doctor said it was
a nervous stomach.

Yes, aggravated by
50 pounds of grapes.

I didn't give
her that much.
Oh, please.

The doctor said he'd never seen
a child with so much gas.

He's writing an article.

Mommy! Daddy!

Mommy! Daddy!

Did you have fun?

Mommy! Daddy!
Mommy! Daddy!

Hi.
Hi.

What happened
to your heads?

Oh... Well, uh...
Oh...

Last night Emily
had a tummy ache,

and we were
scrambling around

trying to get her
to the hospital...

Wait... you took her to the
hospital for a tummy ache?

Well, yeah, yeah. What
should we have done?

Well, usually we just give
her some ginger ale,

rub her tummy, and
she goes back to sleep.

Oh. Well, we'll remember that
for the next time.

Mommy! Daddy!
Mommy! Daddy!

It's okay, sweetie.

We got you
a treat, honey.

Look-- it's a chocolate
replica of the Sears Tower.

Thanks so much
for everything.

Yeah.

Wait. I want to say good-bye.

Aw...

Bye, Brian.

I'll miss you.

And I'm going to miss
you, too, monkey face.

What do you say
to Helen and Joe?

See ya.

Bye.
Bye.

Well, Deke, I can't thank you
enough for doing the commercial.

I know it's just going
to turn out great.

Hey, it was fun.

I had a great time
this weekend.

Antonio, why don't you

take his bags out
to the plane?
Sure thing,
yeah.

I'll be back
in a minute.

Um, listen...

now that our professional
relationship is over...

Oh, how can
I say this?

I have been sensing
a certain vibe from you.

You have?

Yeah. Well, I just
want you to know

we are of like mind,
if you know what I mean.

Really?

Yeah, I kind of
got that from you.

Okay.

Well, uh, this is
my number, okay?

Until we meet again.

Hey.

Your ticket's all set,
Mr. Hathaway.

Thanks.
Okay.

You know, Antonio,

I just want to tell you
I had a great time this weekend.

You had a great time?

Oh! For me,
it was magical.

I really hope I get
to see you again.

Hey, this party
ain't over, Paco.

I'm going to miss
this face.

You Hollywood people.

If you have some time
around summer,

I'd love it if you'd
come visit me in L.A.

You mean it?

Yeah.

But I'll understand
if you can't make it.

Don't you worry, Deke.

This summer, I'm coming out!